Irene Castle 1935-12-09 The Show Off

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Irene Castle 1935-12-09 The Show Off"

Podcast Information:

• Title: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Host/Author: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Description: Showcasing classic radio programs from the Golden Age of Radio, featuring beloved series and characters that captivated American families before the advent of television.
• Episode: Irene Castle 1935-12-09 The Show Off
• Release Date: May 8, 2025

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Overview

In this episode of Harold's Old Time Radio, listeners are transported back to December 9, 1935, to experience a dramatization of George Kelly's renowned play, The Show Off. Featuring the charismatic character of Aubrey Piper, portrayed by Gildersleeve, alongside Una Merkel as Amy and Beulah Bondi as Mrs. Fisher, the episode delves into themes of pride, ambition, and the complexities of family dynamics in a small Philadelphia household.

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Act One: The Introduction of Aubrey Piper

[00:00 - 06:00]
The episode opens with a vibrant introduction by Cecil B. DeMille, setting the stage for a night of domestic comedy. The narrator provides background on Aubrey Piper, a character who initially gained popularity from the Fibber McGee and Molly show before embarking on his own adventures in Hollywood and on the silver screen.

Aubrey Piper, also known as Harold Perry, is introduced as a gentleman with a knack for trouble. The scene shifts to the Piper household on a Wednesday evening, a significant night for Amy Fisher (Una Merkel). Amy is excited about a recurring visitor, Aubrey Piper, whom her parents have reservations about.

Notable Quotes:

• Mr. Gildersleeve (Aubrey Piper): "Aman's got to have a drink. How about it, Pop?" [04:50]
• Beulah Bondi (Mrs. Fisher): "That's the one. He's always got it on when he comes here, too." [04:50]

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Act Two: Financial Struggles and Marital Strain

[08:44 - 18:00]
Six months have passed since Amy and Aubrey's marriage. The Piper household is now grappling with financial difficulties. Bills are piling up, and Aubrey's promises of a substantial income fall short as it's revealed he only earns $35 a week, contrary to his claims of $100 a week.

Amy confronts Aubrey about their financial woes, emphasizing the mounting debts:

• Una Merkel (Amy Fisher): "Bills, bills, bills. Aubrey, what are we going to do?" [18:44]

Aubrey, undeterred, concocts a plan to secure a raise by negotiating with his boss. Despite his efforts, the negotiation fails miserably, leading to a traffic incident where Aubrey crashes into a police car while driving without a license. This incident not only strains his relationship with his family but also cements his reputation as unreliable.

Notable Quotes:

• Aubrey Piper: "When a man meets the right girl, man knows he's met the right girl." [12:09]
• Mrs. Fisher: "I don't know how Amy stands him. Your pop can hardly stay in the room where he is." [04:42]

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Act Three: The Failed Business Deal and Legal Troubles

[20:25 - 35:10]
Aubrey's desperation leads him to interfere in his brother-in-law Joe Fisher's (played by Jeff Corey) promising invention—a rust preventative solution. Aubrey attempts to negotiate a better deal with Mr. Miller from the Miller Grant Company, aggressively pushing for higher compensation and better terms. His manipulative tactics result in the deal falling through, leaving Joe disheartened.

Consequently, Aubrey's reckless behavior culminates in a legal battle. During his arraignment, it's revealed that Aubrey faces a hefty fine of $1,000 for reckless driving and operating an automobile without a license. His family is appalled by his actions, further highlighting the disconnect between Aubrey's ambitions and his inability to provide stability.

Notable Quotes:

• Aubrey Piper: "Well, if a fella was going to sell something for $10, see, and I knew it was worth at least $20... I got my thousand bucks." [34:04]
• Beulah Bondi: "Aubrey Piper of 903 Lehigh Avenue was arraigned today before Magistrate Lister..." [42:42]

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Act Four: Redemption and Family Reconciliation

[35:24 - 48:39]
As the morning of Aubrey's trial arrives, tension escalates. Aubrey, now facing the consequences of his actions, is supported by Frank Hyland (played by Fred Mackay), his brother-in-law, who stands by him despite the chaos he has caused. The court scene is pivotal, with Aubrey's facade beginning to crack as he contemplates the impact of his decisions.

Unexpectedly, Joe Fisher secures a substantial deal for his invention, earning $100,000 from the Miller Grant Company. Aubrey, recognizing Joe's genuine achievement, feels a twinge of guilt and acknowledges Joe's superior integrity:

• Aubrey Piper: "Amy, your mother's raving." [31:53]

The family dynamics shift as they come to terms with Aubrey's failures and Joe's success. The episode closes on a hopeful note, suggesting that Aubrey may seek redemption and a more honest path forward.

Notable Quotes:

• Frank Hyland: "Take it easy, Aubrey. Don't try to tell the judge's business if he finds you. Just keep your mouth shut." [39:53]
• Aubrey Piper: "I'm thinking. Amy. I've just discovered I'm a terrible heel." [41:09]

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Conclusion

The episode masterfully captures the essence of The Show Off, blending humor with poignant family struggles. Aubrey Piper's journey from a boastful, trouble-prone character to someone facing the repercussions of his ambition serves as a timeless commentary on pride and the value of integrity. Through engaging dialogue and compelling character interactions, listeners are left reflecting on the balance between personal ambition and familial responsibilities.

Closing Remarks:

• Narrator: "Things in the wind..." [22:32]
• Cecil B. DeMille: "Good night to you from Hollywood." [49:36]

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Key Takeaways

• Character Development: Aubrey Piper's transformation highlights the pitfalls of unchecked ambition and the importance of honesty within family relationships.
• Family Dynamics: The interactions between Amy, Mrs. Fisher, and Aubrey underscore the challenges families face when dealing with a member's flaws.
• Moral Lessons: The episode emphasizes the value of integrity over superficial success and the potential for redemption even after significant mistakes.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Aubrey Piper: "When a man meets the right girl, man knows he's met the right girl." [12:09]
• Mrs. Fisher: "That's the one. He's always got it on when he comes here, too." [04:50]
• Aubrey Piper: "Well, if a fella was going to sell something for $10... I got my thousand bucks." [34:04]
• Aubrey Piper: "I'm thinking. Amy. I've just discovered I'm a terrible heel." [41:09]
• Frank Hyland: "Take it easy, Aubrey. Don't try to tell the judge's business if he finds you." [39:53]

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This episode not only entertains but also serves as a reflection on the enduring themes of pride, financial responsibility, and the quest for personal betterment. Through the engaging portrayal of Aubrey Piper and his interactions with family and colleagues, listeners are reminded of the timeless struggles between ambition and integrity.

Transcript

[Cecil B. DeMille]

Lux presents Hollywood. The Lux Radio Theater brings you the great Gildersleeve, Una Merkel and Beulah Bondi in the show On. Ladies and gentlemen, your producer, Mr. Cecil B. DeMille.

[Narrator]

Greetings from Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen. The night Fiber McGee and Molly introduced a new character into their show called Gildersleeve. I'm sure no one could have foreseen the fantastic success story to which we add another chapter tonight. Mr. Gildersleeve made a great hit with Fibber and Molly's audience and soon had a radio program of his own. Then came a series of pictures at rko. And tonight we've cast him in one of the great comedy hits of the American theater. It's George Kelly's famous play, the Show Off. And to show off the great Gildersleeve in a proper setting, we've co starred him with Una Merkel and Beulah Bande. You'll find another name on Gilda Sleeve's birth certificate. Harold Perry, to be exact. But Mr. Perry has been swallowed up by Mr. Gildersleeve to the great enjoyment of the American people. In the show off he plays Aubrey Piper, a gentleman with a talent for getting into trouble. Witness the case of his brother in law's invention which you'll hear more about in just a moment. Some inventors are remembered by everyone. The names of others are lost in the fog of time. The airplane, the electric light, the wireless. Any school child knows who was responsible for them. But nobody knows who invented the wheel or who invented soap. Yet someone did invent soap hundreds of years before it reached the level of perfection that's called luxe toilet soap. I leave it to you. How many modern inventions would you give up before you do without soap? In research for a picture about Cleopatra, which I made a few years ago, I discovered that she had several ladies in waiting whose job it was to help her keep beautiful. But all the wealth and power of the ancient queen of Egypt didn't serve her half as well as the queen of any American. Home is served by a cake of Lux toilet soap. But now the show goes on with the show off. And here's the first act. Starring the great Gildersleeve as Aubrey Piper, Una Merkel as Amy and beulah Bondi as Mrs. Fisher. It's 8 o' clock on a Wednesday evening and Amy Fisher is a flutter with excitement. 8:00 clock Wednesday is a big moment in Amy's Life. For at 10, after a certain party will ring the doorbell at the little frame house near Philadelphia. Hurriedly, she dabs A powder puff at her nose. And then hearing the front door open, she rushes to the head of the stairs.

[Una Merkel]

Mama. Mama was at the door.

[Beulah Bondi]

Yes, it was. It was your sister.

[Una Merkel]

Oh, Mama, when the bell rings, let me answer it. Hello, Clara. How's Frank? All right, Mama. Did you see my blue bar pin? It was in my drawer.

[Beulah Bondi]

Well, look in the drawer.

[Una Merkel]

I haven't seen it. What's all the excitement, Mama?

[Beulah Bondi]

Wednesday night.

[Una Merkel]

Oh. Is that fellow still coming here?

[Beulah Bondi]

Oh, right on the dock, such as he is. It looks like a steady thing, Clara. You never in your life heard anybody talk so much. I don't know how Amy stands him. Your pop can hardly stay in the room where he is.

[Una Merkel]

Well, doesn't she take him into the parlor?

[Beulah Bondi]

She does. Yes, but you might just as well leave him out here because he's not in there five minutes till he's out here in the kitchen again talking about politics. You'd think he knew something about it. And the investment business, he's always talking about that, too. That's where he works, you know. The Billings Investment Company. He says he's head of the sales department. But I says to your brother Joe, I says I don't know how he can be head of anything from the talk of him. Joe says he's a nut. But you don't dare say anything to Amy about him? Oh, no. She thinks he's heaven's gift to the Fisher family. And for all she knows about him, he could be a tramp in the park instead of with the Billings company.

[Una Merkel]

Well, that's where he works, though. Mom, how do you know Frank knows him? You're Frank? Uh huh. He says he eats his lunch at the same place there at 15th and Arch.

[Beulah Bondi]

And does he say he knows him?

[Una Merkel]

Why, sure. He says he's seen him around there for a long time. Frank calls him Carnation Charlie. He says he's always got a big carnation in his buttonhole and carries a cane.

[Beulah Bondi]

That's the one. He's always got it on when he comes here, too. I believe in my heart, Clara. That's what's turned your sister's head. Did Frank say what his name was?

[Una Merkel]

Aubrey Piper.

[Beulah Bondi]

I think that's it. Aubrey Piper. Sounds more like a place than a man's name. What does he do at Billings?

[Una Merkel]

He's a clerk.

[Beulah Bondi]

A clerk? I knew it. Head of the sales department.

[Harold Perry]

Hello, Clara.

[Una Merkel]

Oh, hello, Pop.

[Harold Perry]

Well, has that nut arrived yet?

[Beulah Bondi]

Not yet, but he will.

[Harold Perry]

I hope to heaven he stays in the parlor tonight. I want to read my paper. And if he slaps me on the back once more, I'll kill him. That laugh of his. Enough to drive a man crazy. What's that?

[Beulah Bondi]

Must be Joe. He's down the cellar trying to fix the radio. Joe, is that you?

[Harold Perry]

Yeah. Give me a hand with a set, will you, Pop?

[Beulah Bondi]

I thought you was gonna keep it downstairs.

[Harold Perry]

There isn't enough light. Okay. Thanks, pup. Well, has that screwball come in yet?

[Una Merkel]

Well, he certainly is a big hit with his family.

[Harold Perry]

Laughing Louie. He's a first class pest, that guy. Every time I'm working on something, he sticks his nose in it. What are you doing? What are you doing? You know that formula I've been working on to prevent rust? He got his nose into that the other night, too. Next time he does it, he's gonna get sucked.

[Beulah Bondi]

Oh, there he is now.

[Harold Perry]

Amy, put out the light in here and shut the door. Maybe you'll think we've gone out.

[Una Merkel]

Well, I've got to go.

[Beulah Bondi]

Or go out the back door if you don't want to be here all night, Amy.

[Una Merkel]

Goodbye, Mom. Goodbye, Pop.

[Beulah Bondi]

Goodbye. Be quiet now. If he hears a voice in here, he'll pop in here like a jumping jack.

[Una Merkel]

Just a minute, Aubrey. Hello, Aubrey.

[Harold Perry]

Greetings on you, little girl. How's every little thing? Hitting on all three.

[Una Merkel]

Come in, Aubrey.

[Harold Perry]

Right on the job, Amy. Ten minutes past, on the dot. The pride of old West Philly never misses. No, sir.

[Una Merkel]

I'll take your hat, Aubrey.

[Harold Perry]

Anything to please the ladies. Here you are. And the boy rode off with many thanks and many a backward bow.

[Una Merkel]

Oh, come on in the parlor, Aubrey.

[Harold Perry]

One second, little gal. One little favor. Never again will I trouble the bell of old North Tilly. How about a drink of the old Aquapura, huh? That's water to me, of course.

[Una Merkel]

Aubrey, I'll be right back. Make yourself comfortable.

[Harold Perry]

Don't you worry about me, little girl.

[Beulah Bondi]

Amy. Amy. Shut that door.

[Una Merkel]

Well, what's the matter, Mom? I just want to get a drink of water for Aubrey.

[Harold Perry]

Listen, Amy, I don't want that fella popping in here. Good evening, ladies and gents. Yeah. Stay right where you are, folks. Right where you are. Good. Going right out on the next train. How are you, little mother? Evening, Pop. Hi, Jo. Amy, step on the gas with the old Aquapura. Man's got to have a drink. How about it, Pop? You'll stay with me on that, eh, Pop? Listen, I don't like to be slapped on the back. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I want to tell you this is a very pretty little picture of domestic felicity. Father reading, mother knitting, and little old Joe Edison Fisher there working 18 hours a day to make the rich man richer and the poor man poorer. What about it, Popcorn? Am I right or raving? Will you let me alone or keep your hands to yourself? I never saw such a pest in my life. Well, what's the matter with popsy wopsy? Little office feed, eh, Mother Fisher?

[Una Merkel]

Here's your water, Aubrey.

[Harold Perry]

Ah, thank you, my dear. Blushing as she gave it, looking down at her feet so bare in her tattered gown. Yes, how's that, Mother Fisher? Can't beat that little old Willie Shakespeare now, can you? No, sir. I'd like to tell the brothers that that little old Shakespeare party shook a wicked spear. Well, here's laughter. Ladies and Mr. Marconi, my best regards to you. Ah, very nice indeed. And a sweeter draught from a fairer hand was never quiet.

[Una Merkel]

Oh, you.

[Harold Perry]

Well, Mr. Joseph, what are you doing? What are you doing, Joseph? I am fixing something. At it again, eh? The young inventor himself. Well, Mr. Joseph, I want to tell you, you're wasting your time. When you're all through, they'll offer you 20 cents for it and sell it for 20 million. Take it or leave it. Sign on the dotted line. Yes, sir, that's exactly what they did. A little old yours truly here. 20 Lincoln anacondas for a formula that would have solved the greatest problem before the industrial chemical world today. What kind of a formula? Why, a formula to prevent the rusting of iron and steel. A solution of vanadium and manganese to be added to the metal in its molten state instead of applied externally. Where did you hear that? Hear what, my boy? About a rust preventative using vanadium and manganese. Little idea of my own. Yeah, you heard it right here in this room. I was talking about it last Sunday. Oh, you thought of it too, eh? Well, just goes to show you, Joe, great minds running the same. Oh, shut up. You give me a swift pain. I love that boy. Yes, Mother Fisher. That little boy of yours has got some great ideas. I was speaking to some of the men who work under me just the other day, Mother. I said, gentlemen, the inventive genius in this country is. Where you going, Mother?

[Beulah Bondi]

I got a touch of the same pain. Good night.

[Harold Perry]

Must be an epidemic around here.

[Una Merkel]

Oh, Aubrey. Aubrey, let's go in the parlor, shall we?

[Harold Perry]

Yeah. You know, Amy, sometimes I get a funny feeling that your folks don't like me. Many brave hearts are asleep in the deep. So beware.

[Una Merkel]

Be.

[Harold Perry]

Well. A little high, I guess.

[Una Merkel]

Oh, yes. Mother, do you want something?

[Beulah Bondi]

I just wanted to tell you that it's nearly 12 o' clock. We're all going to bed around here.

[Harold Perry]

I was just about to take my reluctant leave, little Mother.

[Beulah Bondi]

Well, I don't want to hurry you.

[Harold Perry]

Not at all, not at all. In fact, the recent outburst was in the nature of a farewell concert. A little old song at twilight. You know, Mother Fisher, to soothe the savage beast. Yes.

[Una Merkel]

Come on, Aubrey, I'll walk to the gate with you.

[Harold Perry]

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. It's a beautiful night, all right.

[Una Merkel]

Oh, isn't it?

[Harold Perry]

Look at that moon up there, Amy. Is that a moon or is that a moon? I say it's a moon.

[Una Merkel]

Oh, it's beautiful.

[Harold Perry]

Yeah. You know, it's times like this when a man gets to thinking, Amy.

[Una Merkel]

Does he, Aubrey?

[Harold Perry]

Yes, sir. That old moon up there makes you think a lot of things. A man's got to be pretty careful. Oh, but when a man's knock around the world like I have, a man gets pretty wise. When a man meets the right girl, man knows he's met the right girl. Do you follow me?

[Una Merkel]

I. I think so, Aubrey.

[Harold Perry]

Amy, do you think a married couple can be happy on $100 a week?

[Una Merkel]

Oh, Aubrey. Yes, I do.

[Harold Perry]

Be nice if they had it, too.

[Una Merkel]

Aubrey, Is that. Is that how much you.

[Harold Perry]

Well, more or less. More or less? Right now it's a little less. But I'm thinking of putting over a deal, Amy. Just between us two.

[Una Merkel]

You know, I don't think it makes any difference how much a man makes. I think when a girl cares for a man, loves a man, that's all that counts. The only important thing in the world, or should be, even if he doesn't have a dime. Don't you?

[Harold Perry]

Well, I got two nickels.

[Una Merkel]

No, no, I mean, don't you think. Don't you think about love?

[Harold Perry]

Oh, sure, ever since I was 14. Amy. Yes, sir. It's a little old Cupid dart that counts.

[Una Merkel]

And after all, you can't buy happiness, can you?

[Harold Perry]

Definitely not. So they say. Well, well, well, Amy, what do you think? Huh?

[Una Merkel]

About? You mean about?

[Harold Perry]

Yeah. What do you say? Is it a go? Say yes, Amy. Say you'll pool your coffee ration with me, Aubrey.

[Una Merkel]

You mean, will I marry you?

[Harold Perry]

That's the general thought I'm trying to convey.

[Una Merkel]

Oh, Aubrey. Yes, I will, Aubrey. Anytime you say.

[Harold Perry]

Amy. Amy. Piper.

[Beulah Bondi]

I am not going to let you do it. I won't stand for it.

[Una Merkel]

Oh, Mama, stop it. I'm going to marry him and that's all there is to it.

[Beulah Bondi]

But you don't even Know him? You don't know what he does or how much he makes or anything about him.

[Una Merkel]

I don't have to. I know I like him, and that's enough.

[Beulah Bondi]

All right, but remember this, Amy. Be sure that he keeps you and you keep him. And don't be coming around here for your pup to keep you.

[Una Merkel]

Mama, don't make me laugh. Aubrey's got a wonderful position. He makes plenty of money.

[Beulah Bondi]

Who says so?

[Una Merkel]

I just know from the way he talks he makes at least a hundred dollars a week.

[Beulah Bondi]

Whoever heard of a clerk making a hundred a week?

[Una Merkel]

A clerk? Where did you hear that?

[Beulah Bondi]

From Frank Hyland.

[Una Merkel]

What does Frank Hyland know about it?

[Beulah Bondi]

He knows Aubrey Piper. And Frank says he's clerk down there just like 5 million others.

[Una Merkel]

Oh, that just shows how much he knows about it. Aubrey told me he makes $100 a week. And what's more, he's going to swing a great big deal pretty soon.

[Beulah Bondi]

The only thing he'll ever swing is that cane he carries. Amy, dear, I'm warning you once and for all.

[Una Merkel]

Mama, why don't you let me make my own life? You took who you wanted, didn't you? And Clara took the man she wanted. Well, I'm going to take what I want. And I want Aubrey Piper.

[Harold Perry]

So you'd like a raise, eh, Piper? Well, that's the general idea I was trying to convey, Mr. Williams. What for? Well, the way I figured is this. A man's going to get married. Well, when a man gets married, he's got to have enough to support a wife, right? Right. And I figure about a hundred a week, maybe a little more. How much do you make now, Piper? 35. Not very much, Mr. Williams. No, it isn't. But this investment business isn't what it used to be, either. Yes, sir. 35 is all you're worth, Piper. But, Mr. Williams, from what I've seen of your ability, it's more than you're worth. Yes, sir. Now, would you like 35 or nothing at all? No, sir. What makes you think you're entitled to a raise? Well, I. You don't have to get married, do you? No, sir. Then put it off for a while. Yes, sir, but I. That's all, Piper. That's all. Goodbye. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Hey, Piper. Yes, sir. Yeah. Huh? Look. How did it go? Where did you get the race? Oh, the race. Oh, yes. We talked it over, the boss and I. He. He's gonna sleep on it. I hope he has nightmares. Oh, gee, Pretty lucky, Piper. Well, there's nothing to it if you got the. Fred, I got in a good word for you, too. Yeah? Oh, gee, thanks. Well, I'll go to lunch now. Gotta feed the old furnace, you know. See you around, Fred. Yeah. Hi, Aubrey. What'll it be? Hi, Sam. I'll have a ham on rye and a chocolate frosting. And don't spare the ice cream. Sam, two scoops. Oh, two scoops, sure. What do I care? That's a nickel extra, Aubrey. Slap it in there. Sam, you know Piper, the old sport himself. Sure. One ham on one frosted scoop. A double.

[Una Merkel]

Aubrey. Aubrey.

[Harold Perry]

Amy, what are you doing way down here?

[Una Merkel]

Aubrey, I have to speak to you.

[Harold Perry]

Say, I'm glad you came, Amy. You know that deal I was talking about? Well, it didn't go through, honey. I mean.

[Una Merkel]

Aubrey, listen.

[Harold Perry]

So I was just thinking, maybe if we could postpone getting.

[Una Merkel]

Aubrey, I've got to tell you, darling, it's awfully important. I've done it, Aubrey.

[Harold Perry]

Huh? Done what?

[Una Merkel]

I've done it. I've left home.

[Harold Perry]

You left?

[Una Merkel]

Oh, I just had to. I couldn't stand it anymore. And I just told Mama. I said, I'm leaving Mama, and that's that.

[Harold Perry]

You told Mama, huh? Oh, well, I was just gonna tell you. Amy, that deal, I mean, where are you gonna live?

[Una Merkel]

I don't know. I haven't even thought about it. I burned my bridges, Audrey.

[Harold Perry]

You burned mine, too. Oh, Well, I. I guess we better get married pretty soon then, huh?

[Una Merkel]

Oh, Aubrey, do you suppose we could.

[Harold Perry]

Oh, sure. You just leave everything to me.

[Una Merkel]

Oh, Aubrey, that'd be wonderful. And it doesn't really make any difference, does it? I mean, we were going to be married anyway, and, well, you make so much money and all, and. Oh, Aubrey, tell me it's all right.

[Harold Perry]

Oh, it's fine, Amy. It's fine. Just a minute. Hey, Samuel. Samuel. Yeah? Cancel that extra scoop, will you?

[Narrator]

Act two of the show off, starring the great Gildersleeve as Aubrey Piper, Bula Bondi as Mrs. Fisher and Una Merkel as Amy. Six months have passed, and the romance of Amy and Aubrey has blossomed into marriage. Amy is too proud to admit it to her family, but she has discovered, as wives sometimes do, that her mate is more talk than action. He's not the head of his department, nor does he earn the expected $100 per week. And now, in the Piper kitchenette, the financial question has again reared its ugly head.

[Una Merkel]

Bills, bills, bills. Aubrey, what are we going to do?

[Harold Perry]

How's the coffee coming along, Amy? Boy? Can't be late to work, you know.

[Una Merkel]

Aubrey, Listen to me.

[Harold Perry]

Sure. What's on your mind?

[Una Merkel]

Aubrey, we've just got to get some money. We can't go on like this any longer.

[Harold Perry]

Why not? We've been getting along fine.

[Una Merkel]

Have we? Look at this. We owe $30 to the butcher, 23 to the grocer, 810 to the milkman. And the janitor was here about the rent again.

[Harold Perry]

I'll speak to him on the way out.

[Una Merkel]

On your way out is right. He's going to throw us out Friday.

[Harold Perry]

You mean he's threatened us? Why? He can't get away with that. I'll break the lease, that's what I'll do. How about a piece of toast, honey?

[Una Merkel]

Aubrey, he can get away with it. We've got to pay up or get out.

[Harold Perry]

All right, we'll get out. I never like this place anyway. The bathtub gurgles. Have you got any peanut butter?

[Una Merkel]

Aubrey, how can I make you understand?

[Harold Perry]

Listen, honey, do me a favor, will you? Forget about it. Everything's going to be fine.

[Una Merkel]

Is it how?

[Harold Perry]

You just keep your eye on the boy from West Philly, that's all. Now, I didn't want to mention this, but I'm working on a deal right now that'll put us right up there on top. Where's the jelly?

[Una Merkel]

What kind of a deal, Aubrey?

[Harold Perry]

Never mind. You'll see.

[Una Merkel]

But I want to know.

[Harold Perry]

Well, it's a little idea I've had in the back of my head for a long time.

[Una Merkel]

What idea?

[Harold Perry]

It's pretty technical, Amy.

[Una Merkel]

Aubrey, tell me, what is it?

[Harold Perry]

Well, it's a rust preventative. A combination of magnesium and vanadium.

[Una Merkel]

Oh, Aubrey, that's Joe's idea. That's the thing he's been working on for years.

[Harold Perry]

Oh. Beat me to it, eh? Well, a more power to him. Oh.

[Una Merkel]

Oh.

[Harold Perry]

Good evening to you, one and all. Hello, Mother Fisher.

[Beulah Bondi]

Oh, hello. What you isn't.

[Harold Perry]

What's the good word, Mother? Been siphoning out any gas tanks lately? Where's Amy? Is she here?

[Beulah Bondi]

No. Ain't she home?

[Harold Perry]

No, I just came by there.

[Beulah Bondi]

Well, she ain't been here today.

[Harold Perry]

Yeah, she was saying this morning she thought she'd go out and look for a house today. I suppose she hasn't got back yet. I wanted to take her to the movies. I got the loan to Harry Albright's car.

[Beulah Bondi]

Did you say she was out looking for a house?

[Harold Perry]

Yeah. We got to get out of that place. We're in the Acme machine. People have bought the whole block. They're going to put up a new factory There.

[Beulah Bondi]

How soon do you have to get out?

[Harold Perry]

Friday. I mean, as soon as we can find another place.

[Beulah Bondi]

I'm afraid you won't find it so easy to get a place as reasonable as that again in a hurry.

[Harold Perry]

I don't want a place as reasonable as that. I want a real home. Mamma mia. Something with ground around it where I can do a bit of tennis in the evening.

[Beulah Bondi]

Well, if you do, you'll pay for it.

[Harold Perry]

That's exactly what I expect to do, Mother Fisher. Not giving you a short answer, of course. That's exactly what I expect to do. And no more of the old first of the month business for this growing boy. He's all washed up. Signed on the dotted line. I'm gonna buy, Mother.

[Beulah Bondi]

Buy? Buy what?

[Harold Perry]

A house, Mother Fisher. A real little home. You ought to go out along the boulevard some Sunday. Some fine little byes out there.

[Beulah Bondi]

Well, there's no danger of your going out along the boulevard except for a walk.

[Harold Perry]

A lot of people out that way, Mother. And a man's got to live someplace.

[Beulah Bondi]

Well, if he's wise, he'll live where he's able to pay for it. Besides, you haven't got any furniture for a house unless you don't mind sitting on the floor.

[Harold Perry]

The matter of furniture nowadays, Little Mother, is a very inconsequential item.

[Beulah Bondi]

It's. It still costs money, don't it?

[Harold Perry]

Money? Money. That's something that never worries me.

[Beulah Bondi]

I know, but it worries me. How are you going to buy furniture when you haven't got any money to even buy a house?

[Harold Perry]

Don't fret, Mater. There's things in the wind. Things in the wind?

[Beulah Bondi]

Well, there ought to be. There's plenty of it.

[Harold Perry]

Plenty of what, Mother?

[Beulah Bondi]

Plenty of wind.

[Harold Perry]

Yes, right there with the old sense of humor, eh? Well, I guess I'll mooch along.

[Beulah Bondi]

Yes, mooch.

[Harold Perry]

Oh, say, if Amy calls, tell her I got the loan of Harry Albright's car, Fred Meyers and I'll meet her in front of the Rivoli at eight bells.

[Beulah Bondi]

I suppose you mean eight o' clock, don't you?

[Harold Perry]

Give the lady a cigar, professor. Well, cheerio, Mrs. Whistler. Who? Mrs. Whistler. Man's dream of an ideal mother.

[Beulah Bondi]

Oh, shut up, you fool. Go on, mooch.

[Harold Perry]

Yeah, the Cheerio gal. Many brave hearts are asleep in the deep. Hello, Aubrey. Well, well, Jojo, the dog face boy. How's the lad? Oh, I'm okay. Fine. What's the matter, Joe? You look excited. Well, I am in a way. Look, Aubrey, can you keep your mouth shut about something. You can trust me, Jose. Sphinx. Piper, my friends call me. What? Sphinx. Sphinx. Oh. Well, Joe, what's the big secret? Well, I sold it. Sold it? Sold what? My invention. The rust preventative. No. Yeah. I was down at the Miller Grant office all day. I went over the whole thing with them and we're going to tie it all up Monday morning. Nice work, Mr. Joseph. I hope you got yourself a good slice of the old Muller. I think it's all right. They're going to give me $50,000 for it. 50,000? Well, not bad, not bad. First offer, I suppose. First and last. I'm grabbing it. Don't be a sucker, Joe. Give them the old hard to get treatment. They'll come through with twice that. Oh, no. This is too good to fool around with. Anyway, I'm satisfied. You know, we can do a lot with that money. We certainly can. I was talking about the family. Oh, the family. Yes, of course. That's what I meant. But I still think you could get more. Joe, what you need is somebody to go in there and talk to those guys. Somebody. Let me. Cut it out, will you? I'm satisfied. I'm sorry I mentioned it to you at all. Hey, Aubrey, what do you say? Right there, Fred. Well, best of luck, Joe, my boy. Don't forget now. Don't say anything about it. Mum's the word, Joe. Mum's the word. Hey, Aubrey, I thought you said you knew how to drive. What's the matter, Fred? We're getting there, aren't we? Yeah, but I hate to think what Harry's car's gonna be like. Don't you worry about the car, Fred. Everything's under control. Yeah, so I hear. It's got a slipping clutch, that's what it is. Hey, that's a red light. You better stop, huh? Oh, boy, Aubrey, you're about the world's worst. I think I better get out. Walk. Oh, we'll be there any minute. Just let that little old light give me the go ahead, Fred, and we'll be zipping on our way. Here we go. Hey. What? What's the matter? Look out with that car. Look out. Look, did you see that guy? He cut right in front of me. Listen, Aubrey, that was a police car. A what? A police car. You slammed right into a police car. Keep moving there. Moving on. Hey, you. Good evening, officer. Had a little brush here. Nothing serious, I hope, eh? Oh, no, no. You just knocked three of our wheels off, that's all. I'd like to take a sock at that dope. Where is It. Take it easy, Mike. You go along and have that arm fixed.

[Narrator]

I'll take care of this fella.

[Harold Perry]

Go along now. All right, but you better report about the car. Don't worry, Mike. Did that other gendarme get hurt? Oh, no. I think it's just a little matter of a broken arm. Nothing serious. As you say. Broken arm. Well, how did that happen? I'm not sure, but I think he was waving to a friend. He threw it out of joint. Very good. All right, let's see your license. License? License? Oh, you mean my driver's license. You know what I mean. Sure. Let me see now. That's not it. That's not it. Oh, my draft card for ph. Ph. Positively hopeless. They ain't kidding, either. Yeah, you got me that time. Now, let's see. Come on, come on, give me your license. Well, officer, I'll tell you the truth. You beat me to it by three days. What are you talking about? Well, I've been meaning to get a license for some time. As a matter of fact, I was going down there for one next Tuesday. I. Just a minute. Am I hearing things? Are you trying to tell me that you don't have a license? You got me again, Officer. I've got you all right. Get out of that car.

[Una Merkel]

I'm a clock. I can't understand. I waited at the movies for over an hour. If he wasn't going to come, he would have called here, wouldn't he?

[Beulah Bondi]

Don't ask me what he'd do.

[Una Merkel]

I'm beginning to get worried.

[Beulah Bondi]

He says you've got to get out of that place you're in.

[Una Merkel]

Yes. Yes, that's what I was doing today. Looking around for something.

[Beulah Bondi]

Did you see anything?

[Una Merkel]

Oh, I saw a couple of places that were fair, but they weren't too much money.

[Beulah Bondi]

You're not really looking for a house, are you, Amy?

[Una Merkel]

Yes, if I can find one. Aubrey says he will not live in rooms any longer. And he doesn't want to pay rent. He wants to buy.

[Beulah Bondi]

Amy, I thought you had a little sense, but you're nearly as bad as him.

[Una Merkel]

You talk awfully silly, Mother. You'd think everybody that was married was living out in the street.

[Beulah Bondi]

Well, that's where a good many of them would be living, Amy. Only that somebody belonging to Em is giving them a hand. You're everlasting borrowing as it is.

[Una Merkel]

Why? Always pay it back, don't I?

[Beulah Bondi]

You do when you get it. But that's not the point, Amy. It's that what you get one week don't last you till the next.

[Una Merkel]

Oh, Mother, let me alone. If you're trying to make me say I'm sorry I married Aubrey, well, I'm not. I'm glad I married him. And I wouldn't change him for anyone else I ever met in my life. So there.

[Beulah Bondi]

All right, Amy. But someday that man's gonna bring trouble on us. I can feel it in my bones.

[Una Merkel]

He won't bring trouble. And if he does, it'll be between him and me. You don't have to worry.

[Beulah Bondi]

All right. All right. Amy? Is that you, Jo?

[Una Merkel]

It's me, Mom.

[Beulah Bondi]

Oh, hello, Clara. What you doing here?

[Una Merkel]

Well, I. I don't know. Isn't Frank here? You're Frank? He called up the house and said I better get right over here. It was something about Aubrey. What about Aubrey? Well, I don't know. I couldn't understand what he was saying. Oh, I hear you moving, Amy. Yes, we are. We want a house. A house? Oh, Amy, if you can't pay your rent where you are, how do you expect to pay more? How do you know I'm not able to pay my rent where I am?

[Beulah Bondi]

Now, don't you start a fight. Oh, but I'd just like to know.

[Una Merkel]

What business it is of hers, whether I can pay my rent or not. Nobody's asking her to pay it. Oh, no? Well, your husband's been to Frank Highland twice already to pay it.

[Beulah Bondi]

Clark, that's a lie.

[Una Merkel]

It is not. He's asked him twice and got it too, till I put a stop to it. Mama, make her take that back. I won't. It's true.

[Beulah Bondi]

Now, you hush up, both of you. I guess if Clara says it's true, Amy, she must know. And it just goes to prove what I said.

[Una Merkel]

Oh, let me alone.

[Beulah Bondi]

I told her. I told her that man would start trouble. Well, now, who should arrive?

[Harold Perry]

Oh, buenos noches, little mother. Is Amy here?

[Beulah Bondi]

For land's sake, what's happened to you? What's that bandage on your head?

[Harold Perry]

Bandage? Oh, yes. Nothing to get upset about. Beginning to rain outside, Mother.

[Beulah Bondi]

Never mind the rain. The rain didn't do that to you. I guess you ran into somebody, didn't you?

[Harold Perry]

Don't get excited, Mama. Just a little misunderstanding on the part of the traffic officer.

[Beulah Bondi]

You don't mean to tell me that you ran into a traffic officer?

[Harold Perry]

Control. Now, little mother, I assure you there's no occasion for undue solicitation. Good evening, Clara.

[Una Merkel]

What happened to your head?

[Harold Perry]

The various trifle, Mrs. Hyland. Just a little spray from the windshield.

[Beulah Bondi]

Where's that Car you borrowed. Smashed, I guess, ain't it?

[Harold Perry]

The car I borrowed, Mother Fisher, is now in the hands of the bandits of the law, the judicial gentlemen who collect fines for motorists by ordering them to go one way, then swearing they told them to go another.

[Beulah Bondi]

Never mind your fancy talk. I want to know who you killed and where is the automobile that someone was fool enough to lend you.

[Harold Perry]

The automobile, little Mother, is perfectly safe, parked and pasturing in the courtyard of the police station.

[Beulah Bondi]

So you got arrested.

[Harold Perry]

Well, I accompanied the officer as far as the station house, yes. And while I was there I told them a few things about the condition of traffic in this city.

[Beulah Bondi]

I guess they told you a few things too, didn't they?

[Harold Perry]

Repeat the question, please.

[Beulah Bondi]

Oh, shut up.

[Harold Perry]

Yes.

[Una Merkel]

What did they do, fine you?

[Harold Perry]

Well, they were all set to find me when I got through with them. They didn't have a leg to stand on, so they trumped up a charge of driving an automobile without a license.

[Una Merkel]

Did they take the automobile away from you?

[Harold Perry]

Nothing of the sort. Of. They simply complied with the usual procedure in a case of this kind. Which is? To release the defendant on bond pending the extent of the victim's injuries.

[Beulah Bondi]

So there was somebody injured?

[Harold Perry]

The traffic cop that ran into me.

[Beulah Bondi]

For heaven's sake, couldn't you find anybody but a traffic cop to run into?

[Harold Perry]

I didn't run into him, Mother. You don't understand the circumstances of the case.

[Beulah Bondi]

Well, I understand this much. They can give you 10 years for a thing like that. And it'd just serve you right if they did too. Borrowing people's automobiles and knowing no more about running them than I do.

[Harold Perry]

No time like the present to learn, Mother.

[Una Merkel]

Well, you'll have plenty of time from now on. If that officer seriously injured.

[Harold Perry]

He was faking a broken arm around there when I left. It's a wonder to me the poor goof wasn't signed on the dotted line. He ran head on right into me.

[Una Merkel]

Did they take the cop to the hospital?

[Harold Perry]

I believe they did.

[Una Merkel]

Oh, Aubrey. Aubrey, what happened to you?

[Harold Perry]

Well, the little woman herself. Hi, Amy.

[Una Merkel]

What is it, Aubrey?

[Harold Perry]

Nothing in the world, baby. I had a little mix up on Broad and Erie Avenue.

[Una Merkel]

You didn't get hurt, did you?

[Harold Perry]

Nothing but a scratch on the medulla obligado. Just a little shake up.

[Beulah Bondi]

He nearly killed a traffic officer. That's how much of a shake up it was.

[Una Merkel]

You didn't, Aubrey, did you?

[Harold Perry]

Certainly not. Amy, your mother's raving.

[Beulah Bondi]

The man's in the hospital. I don't know what more you want.

[Una Merkel]

Is He. Aubrey.

[Harold Perry]

Do you think I'd be here if he was?

[Beulah Bondi]

You wouldn't be here. Only that someone was fool enough to bail you out instead of letting you stay there where you couldn't be killing people.

[Una Merkel]

Are you out on bail, Aubrey?

[Harold Perry]

They always bail a man in a case like this, Amy. They got my car on their hands. I just got to call around for it Tuesday morning at 10 o' clock.

[Beulah Bondi]

I guess you just got to go down there to a hearing Tuesday morning at 10 o' clock and pay your fine. I guess that's the automobile you've got to call for.

[Una Merkel]

How much did they find you, Aubrey?

[Harold Perry]

They didn't find me at all.

[Beulah Bondi]

They'll do that Tuesday.

[Harold Perry]

Time will tell that, Mother Fisher.

[Una Merkel]

How much bail did they put you under, Aubrey?

[Harold Perry]

1,000 berries, Amy.

[Una Merkel]

A thousand dollars?

[Harold Perry]

That's regulation. Little chicken feed for the stool pigeons.

[Beulah Bondi]

Did you say a thousand thousand dollars?

[Harold Perry]

That's what I said, Mother Fisher. 1,000 trifles. I wouldn't kid you.

[Beulah Bondi]

You wouldn't kid anybody that listened to you for five minutes. And who did you get to go a thousand dollars bail for? You?

[Harold Perry]

Don't be alarmed, little mother. I saw that the affair was kept strictly within the family.

[Beulah Bondi]

What do you mean?

[Harold Perry]

Your other son in law was kind enough to come forward.

[Una Merkel]

Do you. Do you mean my husband?

[Harold Perry]

That's the gentleman, Clara. Mr. Francis X. Highland. Lady. Lady.

[Una Merkel]

Aubrey, don't you think you'd better go to bed?

[Harold Perry]

In a minute. I'm thinking. Amy.

[Una Merkel]

Is your head hurting you?

[Harold Perry]

I'm not thinking that hard. Besides, it's just a couple of little scratches.

[Una Merkel]

Aubrey, what do you think they'll do to you down there Tuesday?

[Harold Perry]

I don't worry about that, sweetie.

[Una Merkel]

Oh, but they're getting awfully. What if that traffic cop is hurt bad?

[Harold Perry]

Oh, it'll only be a fine for reckless driving. Even they could prove it was reckless driving and I can prove it was the officer's fault. So they'll be very likely apologizing to me around there Tuesday morning instead of fining me.

[Una Merkel]

Oh, I wouldn't care if they only find you, Aubrey, because I could go back to work until it was paid.

[Harold Perry]

You'll never go back to work, kid, while I'm on the boat.

[Una Merkel]

I wouldn't mind it, Aubrey.

[Harold Perry]

Not while you're my wife, Amy. I'm the provider around here.

[Una Merkel]

You don't think they might do anything else to you, do you, Aubrey?

[Harold Perry]

Oh, they might try to take away my license.

[Una Merkel]

You haven't got a license, have you?

[Harold Perry]

That's where I fooled him.

[Una Merkel]

Aubrey. Aubrey, what is it they send them to prison for?

[Harold Perry]

Look, Amy, everything's okay. I've got the whole thing worked out in my mind. Right now all I've got to do is pay that little old fine and I'm as free as the air. Why, it's a cinch.

[Una Merkel]

How much will the fine be?

[Harold Perry]

Well, I can't tell. Maybe that thousand berries.

[Una Merkel]

Thousand dollars? Where will you get a thousand dollars?

[Harold Perry]

Now, stop it. Stop it, honey. Look, I'll have that thousand dollars Monday. It's a breeze.

[Una Merkel]

A thousand dollars Monday?

[Harold Perry]

Sure.

[Una Merkel]

How.

[Harold Perry]

Look, if a fella was going to sell something for $10, see, and I knew it was worth at least $20, see. Well, if I went to the men who were going to buy it for 10 and I convinced them they ought to pay 20, well, I'd be entitled to a commission, now, wouldn't I? At least 2%. 2% of the difference. Sign on the dotted line. And I got my thousand bucks.

[Una Merkel]

But, Aubrey, that would mean that. That you'd have to sell something for. For a hundred thousand dollars.

[Harold Perry]

That's the ticket, Amy.

[Una Merkel]

You mean that somebody's selling something for 50,000 and that you can get a hundred thousand for it?

[Harold Perry]

Amy, it's a cinch. Well, what do you say, little lady? Mr. Miller ready to see me yet?

[Una Merkel]

Let's see now. You're Mr. Piper, aren't you?

[Harold Perry]

That's the name, little lady. Just tell him I'm here about Mr. Fisher's invention.

[Una Merkel]

Oh, I told him that already, Mr. Piper.

[Harold Perry]

Oh, thank you, little lady. I don't know what I'd do without you.

[Una Merkel]

Oh, you go on.

[Harold Perry]

No, you go on, Miss Gray.

[Una Merkel]

Yes, Mr. Miller.

[Narrator]

I'll see Mr. Piper now.

[Una Merkel]

Yes, sir. That door over there, Miss Piper.

[Harold Perry]

Oh, thank you. Thank you. Many brave hearts are asleep in the deep, so be. Good morning, Mr. Miller. Morning. Come in. Piper's the name. Aubrey Piper. How do you do? Sit down. Thank you. Mr. Miller, I've come to see you about the rust. Preventative. So I hear. Well, where's Mr. Fisher? He was going to be here at 11 to sign the papers, so I came at 10. The signing of the papers can wait, I think. Oh. Are you an interested party in this deal, Mr. Piper? Well, slightly, yes. I'm. I'm Mr. Fisher's business advisor. Oh, I see. Well, he's a fortunate young man. Oh, very fortunate. And that's what I like to see, Mr. Miller. A young man getting someplace, pulling himself up by the seat of his pants. Yes, Mr. Miller. It's the American inventive Genius. That's put this country where it is today. And I'm here to state that every right thinking citizen has the duty, no, sir. The privilege of doing everything in their power to help the growing boy along. Am I right or wrong? Shake it up, brother. Shake it up. Just a moment, please. Yes. Now, now, let's not beat around the bush. I'm a man of a few words, Mr. Miller, and I can see that you are, too. Now, what I like to do is come straight to the point. Sign on the dotted line, wrap it up and take it away. Now, you know what this boy has done. Just one little idea, you say? One simple operation. That's true, Mr. Miller, but we can't pass it off like that. Oh, no. Now, you're a businessman, Mr. Miller. Your time is valuable and so is mine. So let's settle right down. Now, here, just what are you talking about? Mr. Fisher's invention. What else? Well, you're a little late. We went all over this with Mr. Fisher last week. We're giving him $50,000 for it this morning. Nah, you hit it, Mr. Miller, right on the old button. $50,000. A paltry, measly, contemptible. Shame on you, Mr. Miller. What's that? Think of it. Put yourself in this boy's place. $50,000 is a very fair price. Not for genius, Mr. Miller. Genius is priceless, and I'm here to stake. Wait, wait, please. Am I to understand that you'd like.

[Narrator]

To call this deal off?

[Harold Perry]

Now, now, Mr. Miller, don't you jump to conclusions. We want you to have this invention, but at a fair price. All right, Mr. Piper, let's have your proposition. Thank you, Mr. Miller. In the first place, we want $100,000 on the line as an advance. Oh, really? A check will do, but cash won't hurt. Number two, the Miller Grant Company will have to sell it at their own expense. I see. And number three, we want one half the net on every gallon sold as a royalty. There you are, Mr. Miller. That's our proposition. And a fair one you couldn't find. Am I right or wrong? Shake it up, brother. Shake it up. Mr. Piper, I'm afraid you're wrong yet. Huh? I said you're wrong. Now, listen here, I'll do the talking. Now, who do you think you are, walking in here trying to bulldoze me out of $50,000? We made a fair price and we were ready to stand by it. But I don't like the way you do business, Mr. Piper. And you can go back and tell Mr. Fisher that he can thank you for this deal falling through now. What was that? The deal is off. We won't give you a lead nickel. No, no, wait. I'm sorry, Mr. Piper. Good morning. But. But you can't do this. Oh, yes, I can. There were no papers signed and there won't be any paper. Sign or get out. Mr. Miller, you're making a terrible mistake. Will you please get out? Now, let's be reasonable, huh? We'll come down a little bit. Make it 75,000. I told you I wouldn't make it 60. No. 55. No. 53. No. 52. No. 51.

[Una Merkel]

No.

[Harold Perry]

You're a hard man, Mr. Miller. And just for that, we won't sell it to you at all. We'll take our product elsewhere and you'll regret this to the end of your days. Just remember, whenever you hear the Fisher Piper process that you could have been in on the ground floor and you missed your chance. Good morning, sir. This is one of my bad days.

[Narrator]

Now the curtain rises on the third act of the show off starring the great Gilder Sleeve, Yuna Merkel and Beulah Bondi. It's the morning of Aubrey's trial. In the corridor just off the courtroom, the luckless show off stands, cracking his knuckles with nervousness. For the first time in his life, Aubrey is scared. With him is his benefactor, a sad faced, sad eyed man, his brother in law, Frank Hyland.

[Beulah Bondi]

Take it easy, Aubrey. Don't try to tell the judge's business if he finds you. Just keep your mouth shut. I'll take care of whatever it costs.

[Harold Perry]

Gee, Frank, certainly a swell of you to stick by me like this.

[Beulah Bondi]

Oh, it's.

[Harold Perry]

It's all right if I can never do anything for you. Just tip me off.

[Beulah Bondi]

Yeah, things certainly been going awful lately. Did you hear about Joe?

[Harold Perry]

Joe? No. What's the matter with Joe?

[Beulah Bondi]

He had a deal all set for 50,000 for his invention. Went down there yesterday and they wouldn't even see him.

[Harold Perry]

Well, what do you know? No explanation or anything?

[Beulah Bondi]

No.

[Harold Perry]

Well, just goes to show you, you can't trust those fellows as far as you can throw them.

[Beulah Bondi]

Yeah. Wish I knew what gummed it up.

[Harold Perry]

So do I. Aubrey. Oh, hello, Amy. Glad you got here, kid.

[Una Merkel]

Hello, Frank.

[Harold Perry]

Hello.

[Beulah Bondi]

Well, I'll see you later.

[Harold Perry]

I gotta get some coffee. No refills, Frank. See you in court. Well, honey.

[Una Merkel]

Aubrey, are you nervous?

[Harold Perry]

Nervous? Who, me? Yeah.

[Una Merkel]

Oh, Aubrey, don't worry. It'll come out all right.

[Harold Perry]

It's not only the trial, Amy. That isn't so much. I got Something else on my mind, Amy. I've just discovered I'm a terrible heel.

[Una Merkel]

Aubrey.

[Harold Perry]

That's right. It's an awful blow to me after all these years.

[Una Merkel]

What are you talking about?

[Harold Perry]

Amy, listen. Remember. Remember that deal I was going to swing? That hundred thousand dollar thing?

[Una Merkel]

Yes.

[Harold Perry]

It didn't go through.

[Una Merkel]

Oh, that's all right.

[Harold Perry]

I hope Joe feels like that.

[Una Merkel]

Joe?

[Harold Perry]

Yeah, it was his deal, the invention. I crabbed it for him.

[Una Merkel]

Oh, Aubrey.

[Harold Perry]

All right, go ahead, give it to me. I deserve anything I can get.

[Una Merkel]

But how did it happen? How? It was all settled.

[Harold Perry]

Well, yes, but I went there to talk for Joe.

[Una Merkel]

Oh.

[Harold Perry]

I thought I could bluff them into it, Amy. And instead of that, they bluffed me out. I was only trying to do a good turn, that's all.

[Una Merkel]

I guess you can't help it, Aubrey. I guess it's just the way you're built or something.

[Harold Perry]

Oh, honey, from now on it's gonna be different. I'm gonna be a brand new heel man. You wait and see.

[Una Merkel]

Oh, what are you gonna tell Joe?

[Harold Perry]

Joe? Oh, you think I ought to tell him, huh?

[Una Merkel]

You've got to tell him. You've got to take your medicine, Aubrey.

[Harold Perry]

All right, I'll face him. I'll face him like a man. Joe. I'll say, Joe, my boy, I'd rather face my draft board.

[Una Merkel]

Well, when the trial's over, we'll go up to the house. Both of us.

[Harold Perry]

Okay, Amy.

[Una Merkel]

Of course, that's just assuming that they'll let you out after the trial.

[Harold Perry]

Aubrey Piper. Yes. Here I am. Who wants me, mister? The State of Pennsylvania. Get in here. Oh, brother.

[Beulah Bondi]

Here it is. Look, Clara, it's in the papers already about Aubrey. You'd know it was about Aubrey if they didn't even mention his name.

[Una Merkel]

Oh, what's it say?

[Beulah Bondi]

Mad motorist fined $1,000.

[Una Merkel]

That's him, all right. I suppose Frank had to pay it, too.

[Beulah Bondi]

Aubrey Piper of 903 Lehigh Avenue was arraigned today before Magistrate Lister to answer to the charges of reckless driving, injuring a traffic officer and operating an automobile without a license. Magistrate Lister heard a plea of leniency and fined the defendant $1,000. Look, look, there's his picture.

[Una Merkel]

Aubrey's picture.

[Beulah Bondi]

Carnation and all. I'd like to get my hands on that fool. I'd tell him a thing or two. Disgrace in the whole family.

[Una Merkel]

Well, here's your chance.

[Harold Perry]

Hi, Clarabelle.

[Una Merkel]

Come on in. Hello, Amy. Hello.

[Harold Perry]

Well, it's all over the said and done. Sign on the dotted line. Greetings, Mother Fisher. You're Looking very beautiful this afternoon. Pretty as a gangster's model. Yes, sir.

[Beulah Bondi]

Shut up.

[Harold Perry]

What's the matter, Mother?

[Beulah Bondi]

What'd they do to him, Amy?

[Una Merkel]

Oh, nothing much.

[Harold Perry]

I'll tell you what they tried to do.

[Beulah Bondi]

You keep quiet. Nobody wants to hear what you've got to say about it at all.

[Harold Perry]

Well, I told them down there what I had to say about it, whether they wanted to hear it or not. I told them plenty.

[Beulah Bondi]

And then they find you, didn't they?

[Harold Perry]

A little, yes.

[Beulah Bondi]

They find you A thousand dollars. It's all right here in the paper. Mad motorist fined $1,000.

[Harold Perry]

Is that what they called me? Why, I'll sue him. Let me see that. Not a bad picture, is it?

[Beulah Bondi]

Oh, give me that paper. What do you want to do, put it in your scrapbook?

[Una Merkel]

Oh, Mama, let's not fight about it. We're in trouble enough right now. Let's forget it.

[Beulah Bondi]

Oh, sure, forget it.

[Una Merkel]

Is Joe here?

[Beulah Bondi]

No, he ain't.

[Una Merkel]

Well, Aubrey wants to see him about something. When he comes, then we're going home. I'll go make a cup of coffee.

[Harold Perry]

Nothing for me, Amy. I couldn't eat a thing.

[Beulah Bondi]

Who asked you to?

[Harold Perry]

All right, Mother. All right.

[Beulah Bondi]

That you, Paul?

[Harold Perry]

It's me, Mom.

[Beulah Bondi]

Oh, come in. You've got company. Who is it?

[Harold Perry]

Oh, hello, Aubrey. Oh, hi, Joe. How'd you make out today, Aubrey? Well, I'll tell you.

[Beulah Bondi]

They find him. He's lucky he isn't in the hooscaw right now.

[Harold Perry]

Oh, that's too bad. Joe. Listen, I gotta speak to you about something. Not now, Aubrey. I'm pretty busy. Yeah, but it's very important, Joe.

[Beulah Bondi]

What could you have to say that's important? You know who he is, don't you, Joe? He's the mad motorist.

[Harold Perry]

You'll cut it out, Mother. What is it, Mom?

[Beulah Bondi]

Right here in the paper. Look, I never thought I'd live to see a thing like this happen.

[Harold Perry]

You know, there's something else in tonight's paper, Mom.

[Beulah Bondi]

What?

[Harold Perry]

Just cast your eyes on this right here.

[Beulah Bondi]

Well, what is it?

[Harold Perry]

Philadelphia Youth Makes important chemical discovery. Mr. Joseph Fisher of North Philadelphia Perfects Rust preventative solution. How do I like that?

[Beulah Bondi]

Joe, did they buy that thing from you?

[Harold Perry]

$100,000, mother. They signed for this afternoon in the lawyer's office. What?

[Una Merkel]

Joe. Oh, Joe, that's wonderful. Oh, I'll go tell Amy.

[Harold Perry]

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What is all this?

[Una Merkel]

Here, read it, Joe.

[Beulah Bondi]

I can't believe it.

[Harold Perry]

Let me see that thing. They sent for me to come over there this afternoon about 2:00. And they had their contracts all drawn up and everything.

[Beulah Bondi]

Oh, what did you say? About a hundred thousand dollars, Joe?

[Harold Perry]

That's what they paid for it this afternoon on account. Then they're to market it for me from their laboratories and give me half the net.

[Beulah Bondi]

What's the net?

[Harold Perry]

Whatever's left after all expenses are paid.

[Beulah Bondi]

But did they give you any of the money, Joe?

[Harold Perry]

$100,000?

[Beulah Bondi]

Sure. Not in money, though.

[Harold Perry]

Oh, not in dollar bills, no. They gave me a check for it. Well, Aubrey, what do you say? Not bad, not bad. I guess we put it over, eh, Jose? Oh, what do you mean we?

[Beulah Bondi]

Yes, what do you mean, we? Who cut you in on this?

[Harold Perry]

Now, now, Mother, you never know.

[Beulah Bondi]

Oh, shut up.

[Harold Perry]

You know, it was a funny thing, Mom. When I first talked to the Muller Grant people, I was only to get $50,000 advance. Then they called it all off. But today they sent for me and said, okay, you win, 100,000 and they're getting away with manslaughter at that.

[Beulah Bondi]

Keep still, you. You don't know anything about this at all.

[Harold Perry]

I made them think I knew something about it.

[Beulah Bondi]

You made who think?

[Harold Perry]

The Miller grant people. What are you talking about, Aubrey? Do you know? Certainly I know what I'm talking about. I went to see those people yesterday. And what did you do up there? I told them they'd have to double the advance if they wanted to do business with us.

[Beulah Bondi]

And what business was it of yours?

[Harold Perry]

Well, I'm Joe's relative, ain't I? Who?

[Beulah Bondi]

I told you you were.

[Harold Perry]

Well, he's got to have somebody tend to his business, doesn't he? Mother, he's only a lad.

[Beulah Bondi]

He doesn't need you to tend to his business for him. He tended to his business long before he ever saw you.

[Harold Perry]

He never landed $100,000 though, Mother, till he saw me, did he? Well, what did you say to them, Aubrey? Well, Joe, I simply told him I was acting in the capacity of business advisor to you and that if this discovery of yours was as important as you led me to believe it was, they were simply taking advantage of your youth by offering you $50,000 for it. And that I refuse to allow you to negotiate further unless they doubled the advance, sold it at their expense and gave us 1/2 the net. Sign on the dotted line. Holy smokes.

[Beulah Bondi]

I don't believe it.

[Harold Perry]

Well, I. I certainly have to give you credit, Aubrey. That's the way the contract reads. I told it to him, all right. Right from the shoulder. Yes, sir. Well, I'll. I'll have to give you a little present of some kind out of this, Aubrey. You'll not give me any present, Jose. Give it to your family. They'll need it more than I will.

[Una Merkel]

Joe. Joe, is it true what Clara's saying?

[Harold Perry]

Sure it is. Here's the paper.

[Una Merkel]

Oh, Joe.

[Harold Perry]

But Aubrey gets half the credit. He swung the deal for double the money.

[Beulah Bondi]

Aubrey.

[Una Merkel]

Oh, Aubrey, it's wonderful. Darling, you're wonderful. Everything's wonderful.

[Harold Perry]

Nothing at all, Amy. Nothing at all.

[Una Merkel]

Do you want some tea, Aubrey?

[Harold Perry]

A tea? Yes, I might, Clara.

[Una Merkel]

And a sandwich. I'll fix you something, Aubrey.

[Harold Perry]

Sure.

[Narrator]

Anything he wants, eh, Aubrey?

[Harold Perry]

Well, thanks, folks. Can I help, Amy?

[Una Merkel]

No, no. You just sit down there, Aubrey, and rest.

[Harold Perry]

Rest. Thank you. Oh, Amy, that newspaper there. Just hand me the financial page, will you?

[Beulah Bondi]

Heaven help me. From now on.

[Narrator]

Ladies and gentlemen, next Sunday is the beginning of Boy Scout Week. This year marks the 33rd birthday of Scouting in this nation. A third of a century of service. Every Boy Scout is working for his country now, helping to win the war. And tonight we join millions of other Americans in saluting their great work. Our sponsors, the makers of Luxe Toilet Soap, join me in inviting you to be with us again next Monday night when the Lux Radio Theater presents Edward G. Robinson, Gail Patrick and Laird Krieger in the Maltese Falcon. This is Cecil B. DeMille saying good night to you from Hollywood.

[Cecil B. DeMille]

The great gilder sleeve appeared tonight through the courtesy of the Kraft Cheese Company. Beulah Bondi will soon be seen in the Warner Brothers picture Watch on the Rhine starring Bette Davis. Heard in tonight's play were Paula Winslow as Clara, Jeff Corey as Joe and Eddie Marr, Norman Field, Leo Cleary, Charles Kane, Arthur Q. Bryan, Ken Christie, Sharon Douglas and Fred Mackay. Our music was directed by Louis Silvers. And this is your announcer, John M. Kennedy reminding you to tune in next Monday night to hear Edward G. Robinson, Gail Patrick and Laird Kriegar in the Maltese Falcon.