Irene Castle - Alias The Deacon

Summary

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Harold's Old Time Radio – "Irene Castle – Alias The Deacon"

Aired: June 18, 2026
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Theme:
This episode presents a radio performance of "Alias the Deacon," a comedy-drama originally produced for the Lux Radio Theater, featuring Bob Burns as the lovable but crafty Deacon Caswell and Helen Wood as Phyllis. Set in a small Midwestern town, the story follows the Deacon’s blend of charm and wits as he navigates card games, romance, small-town politics, and local corruption—always walking the line between trickster and hero.

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Episode Overview

• Main Purpose:
  To revisit and celebrate a classic Golden Age radio drama, "Alias the Deacon." The tale revolves around a folksy, smooth-talking gambler who uses his cunning (and heart of gold) to right the wrongs he encounters in a town blooming with opportunity, pettiness, and secrets.

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Act 1: The Deacon Arrives and Confronts Truxton (00:44–20:17)

Setting the Scene

• Cecil B. DeMille (Producer/Narrator) introduces the play, comparing the Deacon to a modern-day Robin Hood:

  "Even in the 20th century, there's no telling where you'll run into Robin Hood or under what name. Tonight...he doesn't carry a longbow, but a deck of cards." (00:51)

The County Fair Grift (03:39)

• Deacon Caswell entertains town folk with his mournful-looking instrument, then runs a three-card monte game.
• Despite his gentle humor, he cons a few players—until the chief of police exposes and ejects him:

  “Oh, that’s too bad. How much did I clean you for?” (05:28)
  “Sixty cents.”
  “Well, brother, you wasn’t very dirty, was you?” (05:32)

Bus Station Encounter (06:32–08:10)

• Delayed bus forces Deacon and Phyllis to improvise travel; Phyllis is independent but vulnerable. Johnny Sloan, the local truck driver, is cajoled into giving her (and eventually the Deacon) a lift to Shelton.

Arrival in Shelton (09:40–11:44)

• Johnny shares his dream of owning a garage, underscoring the town’s hardscrabble but ambitious character.
• The Deacon checks in to the Clark Hotel, a struggling family business. The hotel’s mortgage, held by the shrewd Mr. Cunningham, is deepening the Clark family’s troubles.

Early Character Dynamics

• Cunningham is established as the local power broker, while Mrs. Clark and Phyllis are quietly resisting his encroachments.

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Act 2: Card Games, Reform, and Romance (22:14–39:04)

Unexpected Success (22:14–25:27)

• The Deacon, claiming ignorance, wins back Mrs. Clark’s mounting bridge losses through “beginner’s luck.”
• Phyllis finds work at the hotel, strengthening her bond with Johnny Sloan.

Johnny’s Ambition & Sweetheart Moment (22:56–23:39)

• Johnny reveals his plan for the junkyard business to Phyllis:

  “Sure, planning things out is fun, but. Well, it’s more fun if you do it with someone. You feel that way, too?” (23:23)

Tensions with Mr. Cunningham (24:46–25:45)

• Cunningham grows wary of the Deacon’s influence, especially as the Deacon stirs up the Ladies League against a local prize fight that Cunningham is promoting for profit.

• Classic Exchange:

  “Brother Cunningham, you do concern me. I remember what my Uncle Confucius used to say: ‘It's wise to remember that the teeth that smile also bite.’” – Deacon Caswell (25:06)

The Ladies’ League Speech (26:10–27:45)

• Slapstick humor as the Deacon leads two-faced arguments—first against, then for, prize fighting—depending on his current interests and alliances.

• Memorable moment:

  “Ladies, we are here today to discuss bringing something to this town...reform!” (26:24)

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Act 3: Fights, False Accusations, and Justice (42:01–56:19)

The Prize Fight Substitution (29:08–31:11)

• Johnny is set up as a last-minute substitute fighter (“the champ!”) for the injured Knockout Blake, lured by the $250 needed for his business and future with Phyllis.

Conflict and Blackmail (31:18–33:08)

• Phyllis blackmails the Deacon to stop his anti-fight campaign (she’s spotted his packs of cards), so he pivots to support the fight.
• The big fight scene is quick and comic; Johnny just barely survives the ten rounds.

Theft, Suspicion & Framed Justice (34:54–38:38)

• Cunningham accuses Johnny of stealing his wallet post-match. The Deacon opposes Cunningham’s half-truths and expresses faith in Johnny’s character:

  “When a man tells only half the truth, Brother Cunningham, it’s just the same as a lie.” (35:47)

• Phyllis, frustrated and desperate, believes both Johnny and the Deacon may be guilty at different times.

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Resolution: Outwitting the Villains, Restoring the Family (44:01–54:48)

Final Game and Table-Turning (46:29–52:20)

• The Deacon lures Cunningham and Sullivan, the real villains, into a poker game where his “beginner’s luck” bankrupts them.

• The card sharp ruse exposes Cunningham’s cheating and unmasks the real thief. The Deacon cleverly regains Mrs. Clark’s mortgage note, restoring her future.

• Key exchange:

  “There’s my hand. The flush, brothers. All the same color.” – Deacon Caswell
  “Hey, wait. They’re all the same color, but one’s a diamond.”
  – Table erupts in confusion and comic protest. (49:33–49:41)

Justice and Exoneration (52:00–54:00)

• The Deacon returns the stolen money and exposes Cunningham’s misdeeds as sheriff and townsfolk witness the truth.
• Mrs. Clark’s hotel (built on oil-rich land, as it turns out) is saved. Johnny and Phyllis can start their life together.
• The Deacon, ever the wanderer but now an accepted “hero,” prepares to move on.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• "If you try to pick all the flowers, you’re bound to get some poison ivy."
  — Deacon Caswell’s folksy wisdom, warning against greed (19:59)
• "If you suspect a man, don't play with him. And if you play with him, don't suspect him."
  — Deacon Caswell, before a pivotal poker hand (47:36)
• "The only people that ever change their mind are them that has 'em."
  — Deacon, on redemption and forgiveness (54:14)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Intro/Setup by DeMille: 00:51–02:14
• Three-Card Monte Scene: 04:13–06:09
• Arrival in Shelton/Hotel: 09:40–11:44
• Ladies League Card Game: 13:04–19:03
• Moonlight “dream-sharing” at the Junkyard: 23:00–23:39
• Deacon’s Speech & Two-Faced Reform: 26:10–27:45, 32:15–33:08
• Prize Fight: 34:17–34:54
• Arrest & Accusation: 35:31–38:38
• Poker Game / Villains Exposed: 46:29–52:06
• Happy Ending/Deacon’s Departure: 53:27–54:48

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Closing Thoughts

“Alias the Deacon” blends humor, con artistry, small-town drama, and morality plays from the old radio era. Full of classic one-liners, winking double-talk, and warm-hearted turns, the drama expertly balances slapstick and sentimentality, all led by Bob Burns’ unique style.

• Host’s Tone: Classic radio cheer and nostalgia, playful and warm, respecting the spirit of Golden Age drama.

• Universal Message:
  Wit and humor can be a force for good—if your heart’s in the right place, redemption is possible, even for a card sharp.

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For lovers of old-time radio, this episode delivers the wit, charm, and storytelling that filled American living rooms before the television era.

Transcript

[Announcer]

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[Narrator]

Hollywood.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

The lux radio theater brings you bob

[Narrator]

burns in alias the deacon with helen wood.

[Producer Cecil B. DeMille]

Ladies and gentlemen, your producer, Mr. Cecil b. Demille. Greetings from Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen. Even in the 20th century, there's no telling where you'll run into Robin Hood or under what name. Tonight, he's a long way from Sherwood Forest. He wears not a suit of Lincoln green, but one of modest black. He doesn't carry a longbow, but a deck of cards. And his name, known to every sheriff in the Middle west, is the Deacon. But don't be alarmed. Of all the gentry who deal cards with scientific knowledge instead of blind hope, the hero in our play, Alias the Deacon, is the most charming and the gentlest. His coat may conceal a pair of aces, but beneath it beats a heart of gold. It's a part for Bob Burns if ever there was one. And so we followed the inspired lead of Universal Pictures by casting him in this radio adaptation of the screen success. It took a little persuasion, though, to get him here. Bob said he'd promised some fellow to go fishing with him. We got him to postpone his trip only by revealing a very special rendezvous for Trout. I'd been reserving that spot for a holiday of my own after finishing the picture, Northwest Mounted Police. But I think Bob Burns and Alias the Deacon will be worth the sacrifice. Wherever the Deacon alights from his private car, any passing truck, injustice is on

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

its way to defeat.

[Producer Cecil B. DeMille]

And romance runs its proper course. And certain petty tyrants are apt to start running too. Any play with Bob Burns in it is a friendly play. But another kind of friendliness that we're very proud of is your loyalty to our product, Lux Flakes. You've never let us down yet, and I know Lux Flakes will never let you down. Now, I'm sure you're anxious to meet the Deacon, so we'll raise the curtain on the first act of Alias the Deacon, starring Bob Burns in the title role and Helen Wood as Phyllis. The Truxton County Fair, somewhere in the Middle West. It's Saturday afternoon and a holiday crowd jams the midway, gazing in awe at the world's greatest collection of freaks. Gasping as the high diver plummets into the tank. Meanwhile, clutching tightly to their breasts, their hard earned baby dolls and canes, in a secluded corner of the grounds, another attraction holds forth a quieter and more intimate form of enter. For here is where Deke Caswell, alias the Deacon, has set up his temporary stand to collect his crowd. The Deacon plays a mournful tune on a mournful looking instrument. And as the curious gather around, knowing farmers hold on to their pocketbooks, they've seen men like the Deacon before.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

All right, dear, we're going. We're going, darling. Wait a minute, lady.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

You don't have to leave.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

That baby ain't the star.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Oh, he ain't, ain't he? Well, you're disturbing him. Don't cry.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Well, I guess everybody ain't got the same taste for music, folks. But there's one sound that's music to everybody's ears. That's the music of jingling coins. Of course, you have to have the coins to jingle. Well, that's where I come in, gentlemen. I'm going to give each and every one of you a chance to win some of these coins.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Right now.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

I have here in my hand three ordinary everyday playing cards. The ace, the deuce and tray of diamonds. I'm gonna shuffle these cards a little and lay them face down here on the stand. Now, all you got to do, gentlemen, is watch where I put the ace. Why, it's a sample. Honestly, sometimes I'm right ashamed of myself. Here we go. Now watch it closely. 1, 2, 3. Which one is the ace? Anybody like to try it? I'll bet you half a dollar. All right, brother. No amount's too big or too small.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

That's the ace. That one there.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Let's see now. Well, I guess you wasn't watching very close that time you picked the trade.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

That's funny.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Who'll be the next red blooded gentleman? Watch it closely now, as many can players want to. Just put your money on the card and be sure it's the right one. I saw it right here.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

You too. There's my money.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Only one way to find out, gentlemen. Turn up the card you bet on. Well, well, what do you know about that? I win again. All right, now who'll be the next?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Just a minute. You.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

You're switching those cards around. You're crooked. I resent that. Do you deny It? No, I just present it. All right, gentlemen. Now who take a chance? It's a simple, honest little game. Come on, folks, come on. Don't let me stand here talking to myself. I've heard all this before. How about you, brother? Like to try it once more?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Hope you cleaned me.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Oh, that's too bad. How much did I clean you for?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

60 cents.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Well, brother, you wasn't very dirty, was you? I'll try it, mister. Thank you, brother. Step aside here, folks. Let a gentleman in with courage. And step right up, sir. Now all you got to do is take the right car. Sure, I know. All right, now watch it. 1, 2, 3, and away we go. Opportunities knocking, folks. A little risk and a big profit.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

I'll bet a dollar.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

A dollar? The gentleman bets a dollar. And which card is the ace, brother? That one right there. Oh, I'm sorry, brother, but you guessed wrong. My, my, I sure thought you had me that time. Want to try it again? You're a real sport, brother. No, I ain't. I'm the chief of police. That's what I was.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Huh?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

The chief of police. Uh huh. Well, brother, I guess that's one time I guess wrong.

[Producer Cecil B. DeMille]

All right, mister, you see that sign over there?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Where? Oh, you are now leaving Truxton. That's the sign you mean? Yeah, and the sign means you. Now go on.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Peterton.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Thanks. Gee, don't thank me. The roof of our jail didn't leak. You wouldn't be getting off so easy.

[Producer Cecil B. DeMille]

There's the bus depot right over there.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Now come on, the bus leaves in five minutes. Get on and stay on. Where does this bus go? If it's any of my business, next town is Shelton, the county seat. Well, does your jurisdiction extend that far? No, it don't. Well, then you wouldn't mind if I stop over there long enough to give one of my educational lectures. Why, no.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

I'll even wire my friend the sheriff

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

to reserve a nice room with a southern exposure. Why, Phyllis.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Oh, hello, Chief Davis.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

What are you doing here?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Waiting for the bus. I'm leaving Truxton.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

A fine night you picked for traveling.

[Producer Cecil B. DeMille]

What's the idea?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

My job folded up. There's no reason for my staying here any longer.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

I guess not. Well, I hope things break better for you wherever you're going.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Hey.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Hey, you folks here? Hey, you waiting for the bus?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Yeah, why? Well, I'm sorry folks, but the road's

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

washed out at the park.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

The bus will be about six hours late.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

You mean I have to spend six more hours in this broken down hillbilly? Town.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Why.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Why, it'll be a pleasure, chief. But maybe it's a pleasure. I can skip. Where does that delivery truck go? Anybody know? That's Johnny Sloan going into Shelton, probably. Shelton, huh? Well, maybe I ought to have a talk with Mr. Sloan. Evening, young fella.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Hello.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Kind of bad night all around.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

I'll say it is. I've been driving through floods for two and a half hours. Got water in my motor and my gas tank. I got it in the carburetor and ignition but not a drop in my radiator.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Say, I don't. I might ride along. No, I suppose not. Hey Johnny, you'd like to give someone a lift?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

I just told him no passengers come in the room.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Oh, I don't mean him. There's a young lady here that.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Sorry.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

I guess the age of chivalry is.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

There it is with the Crane Trucking Company.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Oh, come on, son. You can take a chance just this once.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Please don't trouble. I can wait.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

I'm sorry lady, but I. Or are you the person who wants a lift?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Yes, but don't put yourself out for me.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Why, no trouble at all. No trouble at all. Oh, You married?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Me?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

No sweetheart, no family.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Her father, Mr. District Attorney, and he's. He and I are very little of your business.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

All right, all right, if you want to be the mystery lady. But aren't you afraid riding through the night this way with me, a guy you never met before?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

No.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Oh, you're not, huh?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

No.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

What would you do if I stopped the truck on this lonely road?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

You wouldn't do that.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Wouldn't I though?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

No.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Uh huh. We'll see about that. Well.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Well, you.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

You haven't any protection now.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

That's right.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Well, why don't you scream?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

I'm hoarse from last night.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Okay, you win. But it's a good thing I have to be in Shelton by morning.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Me too, son. Let's go.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

What in the.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

How did you get back there?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Oh, I just figured since you changed your mind about taking the little lady, you might change it about me too. Of course, I ain't as pretty as she is.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

All right, all right, keep quiet about it.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Thanks, son.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Well, this is Shelton.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Thanks a lot, Mr. Sloan.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

It's all right.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Tell me you're married.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Me? No, sweetheart, no, I. No, I haven't. And I won't have him to lend my kick reposes another $250. The same being the rest of the purchase price. For the best little business opportunity in all Shelton.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

I see.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Yes'm. In front of You. You see, a guy who isn't gonna be a truck jockey all his life. Shelton needs a first class garage. And I got my eye on a place that with a little fixin will make the ones here now hang their grease racks in shame.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

I'm sure it'll be a success. Well, goodbye.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Hey, wait a minute. What are you gonna do?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Look for a job.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Oh, will I see you again?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Probably.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Well that's good. You see, there's a lot of things we ought to talk about.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Are there?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Sure. A lot of questions I'd like to ask you.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Questions? Like what?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Oh, like, well, say, where's the nearest barber shop?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Oh for the love. Are you still here?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Uh huh.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Well what do you want?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Just the nearest barber shop.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

That's all across the street.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Thanks son. And thanks a lot for the ride. How about it Sheriff?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

You want a little tonic on the hair, Sheriff?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Nope, just water. Sure.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

You're the boss, Sheriff.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

You're the boss.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Make it fast. Andrea. I'm a mighty busy man since oil was discovered in this town.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Morning. Good morning.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

You're next.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Thanks.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Yes sir, Sheriff.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

It'd be nice if we could have

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

an oil boom like this every year.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

I don't know. There's been an awful lot of riff raff drifting into town.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

I bet you're keeping your good eye on all suspicious characters, eh Sheriff?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

I'm keeping a special lookout for a card sharp. They run out of Truxton heading this way.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Is that so?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Yes sir. I got a wire this morning. No tin horned gambler better show himself around here.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Hey mister, where you going?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

I'll be back a little later.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

But I'm ready for you now.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Just a minute, mister. Don't believe I've seen you around here before. I'm Yates, Sheriff Yates. Well, how do you do, Sheriff? I'm Caswell. Deacon Caswell. Well, how do you do, Deacon, Eh? Oh yes, yes. I heard there was a lot of strange goings on in this town. I figured I could do some good around here. As a matter of fact, Deacon, I think you could. Now for instance, I happen to know there's a lot of gambling going on. Gambling?

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[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

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[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

tell me, Sheriff, where's the game? Well, I ain't sure yet, but I kind of got my eye on the Clark Hotel. You have, huh? Yeah, Elsie Clark's place, just down the street. If my information is correct, there's a bridge game goes on there pretty near every day. Ain't it awful the way some folks get into?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

The rest of the tricks are ours. You're down three, Elsie. My goodness. But you do get the cards, Mrs. Gregory. I play the ones I get, Elsie. You certainly do, Mother. Yes, and us along with them. Well, ladies, I. I don't like to break up the game, But I'm expecting Mr. Cunningham. How much do I owe this? A little less than $35, Mrs. Clark. $35? Oh, well, I'll get it out of the hotel safe. We'll go on with the game as soon as I've seen Mr. Cunningham. Dear me. Elsie's been having awfully bad luck, hasn't she? Of course I can afford it, but Elsie. Well, I don't know. She can afford it, too, with a hotel like this. Well, as a matter of fact, I think trying to hold it is the reason she plays. She mortgaged the place to Mr. Cunningham before the boom came, and he's one of those men who likes to be paid. Yes, I've heard that about Mr. Cunningham. Well, I guess I'll have to step across to the bank for a minute. I'll be back in a few minutes. Don't be too long, dear. I won't, Mother. Listen, now, be quiet. I won't. How much longer do we have to keep these bridge games up? I'm getting sick of these women. We're going to play until Mr. Cunningham gets this hotel. I don't see what Mr. Cunningham has to do. Well, I do. He happens to hold our mortgage, too. He told me that anything I could do to help him get this place. Well, he said he wouldn't Forget it. You mean he doesn't want Mrs. Clark to meet her notes, Mildred. Be careful what you say, dear. It might be misinterpreted.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Over there, Deacon. That's our hardware store. Jim Cunningham owns that. Cunningham, huh? That's the same Cunningham that runs the real estate office. Same feller. Cunningham's a pretty important man in this town, Deacon. Mm. You know, this is mighty friendly of you to show me around like this, Sheriff. Seems to be a right promising little town. Well, we've had so many undesirables drifting in lately, it's nice to meet up with a better class of newcomers. And that's nice of you to say, Sheriff. It is indeed. Oh, not at all, not at all. This is the Clark Hotel right here, Deacon. I'll see if we can get to your room. Go ahead, Deacon. Thank you, brother. Willie, customer here.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Hello, Sheriff.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Oh, where's your ma, Willie?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

She's in the office borrowing some more money from that old weasel Jim Cunningham.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Now, Willie, Mr. Cunningham's been a good friend to your master.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Sure. He was a good friend of Whitey Hoyt's ma, too. Now he owns our property.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

That so, Sheriff? Oh, you can't believe everything you hear.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Believe me, he wouldn't be coming around here with his promises to pay if my pop was still alive. Well, what kind of room do you want, Deacon? The $2 kind or the $3 kind?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Well, what's the difference?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Well, there's no difference. We've only got one room left.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Well, I kind of wanted the $3 kind of.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Gee, that's swell. Hey. Hey, kid, give me the key to

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

me room, will you?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Here it is. Ah, thanks, pal.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Oh, hiya, Sheriff. Hello, Bull. Hey, you gonna be down to fight Saturday? I'll kill that guy. Sure, I'll be there. Oh, swell, Sheriff.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

All right, Bull.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

All right, let's get going, huh?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Going where?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

We got some road work to do before lunch.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Oh, I was just gonna take a little nap.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Come on, come on. The guy that's promoting this match wants to see some action. Get going. Road work. Road work all the time.

[Narrator]

Road work. I'm.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

I didn't know you went in for prize fights in this town, Sheriff. Well, we don't usually, Deacon, but Mr. Cunningham is opening a new auditorium and, well, you know. I see.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

And this new note covers all I owe you, Mr. Cunningham.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

That's right, Mrs. Clark. You can tear the others up.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Morning, Elsie.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Oh, hello, Sheriff.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Hello, Tom.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Hi, Mr. Cunningham. Folks, this is Deacon Caswell, Mrs. Clark and Mr. Cunningham.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

How do you do, Deacon?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Pleased to meet you, ma'. Am. The Deacon's come to help clean up the town.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Oh, is that so?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Well, I think I can clean up a little anyway.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

That's fine, Deacon. Anything I can do for you, you just let me know now.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

That's very kind, Mr. Cunningham.

[Announcer]

I will.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Good morning, folks. Morning, Deacon.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Ma, the Deacon wants a room. The three dollar kind. Oh, certainly. Will you just come this way, Deacon? I've got a nice room on the 1st. While you're in town, Deacon, I'd like to have you meet our ladies Community league. I'm sure you have a lot of things to tell us.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Why, Mrs. Clark, you're a positive mind reader.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Elsie. Oh, here you are. We thought you were lost. Mrs. Clark. Deacon, this is Mrs. Gregory and her daughter Mildred. Deacon Caswell.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

It's a pleasure, ladies.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

How do you do? Well, are we ready to play? Oh, I'm. I'm sorry, girls, but Mrs. Hawley isn't here.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

And play.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Just a little bread, Nora. The Deacon will think we've been gambling.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Oh, not at all, not at all.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Perhaps you'd like to take Mrs. Hawley's place, Deacon? Oh, but I'm sure he wouldn't.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Well now, I must confess I have kind of puttered around with cards on several occasions. Just to make up a foursome, of course.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Then you will join us?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Me? You mean for money?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Oh, well, now, it needn't be. We can play for nothing.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Well, I don't. Oh, I guess I wouldn't mind playing for some trifling state just to be sociable.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Oh, that's so nice of you, Deacon. Well, it is indeed. We'll only be about an hour.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

An hour? Well, I'd say that should be just about long enough.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

That's our trick, deacon.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Is it, Mrs. Clark? Now ain't that lucky?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Lay your card please, Deacon.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Oh, certainly. You know, I guess we Caswells are all lucky. All except my Uncle Canfield. Caswell, that is. Whenever I had him for partner, I used to feel I was living beyond my means.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

If you don't mind, Deacon, this one is our trick.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Oh, I beg your pardon. I thought that was my ace. I did have one that kind of resembled it.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

10 of diamonds. Your play, Deacon. Mildred played the 10.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Mm. A red one, huh? Mrs. Clark, I'm awfully afraid I've messed this hand all up. I don't seem to have any more red ones left, see?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Why, why, you've got nothing but trump.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Is that good?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Fair, Deacon, Just fair. Don't you see, Deacon? All the rest are ours.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

They are? Oh, I guess I'll just never get to understand this game.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

How much do we owe? Um. Exactly $86.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

$86? Why, we've been gambling.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Not with your luck, Deacon. Come on, Mildred, let's go. Goodbye. And thank you so much for helping us out, Deacon.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

That's all right. I'm happy to have met you.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Well, here's your share of the winnings, Deacon.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Why, Mrs. Clark, I couldn't touch that money.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Oh, but you must.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Oh, no, no, no, I couldn't.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Well, it's hardly fair, but if you say so.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Well, now, maybe I could. That is, if I donate it to some charity. Or, say, the Deacon Caswell Fund.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

The Deacon Caswell Fund. How marvelous. Your own fund?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Yes, ma'. Am, my very own.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

My purse.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Oh, I'll pick it up.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Oh, it's all right.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Notes. Paying up your debts, Mrs. Clark?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Well, not exactly. I gave Mr. Cunningham one note to cover the whole amount. $3,000.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Oh, I guess he's the same Mr. Cunningham who's going to promote the prize fight, huh?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Yes.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Quite a busy man in this town, isn't he?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Yes. Why?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Oh, nothing. Only my Uncle Phineas once said, if you try to pick all the flowers, you're bound to get some. Some poison ivy.

[Narrator]

You have just heard Act 1 of Alias the Deacon with Bob Burns and Helen Wood. While we're waiting for Mr. DeMille to present Act 2, let's talk about vacations. What are you going to do for your vacation, Sally?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Why, I'm thinking of flying to New York, Mr. Ruick.

[Narrator]

How exciting. I suppose you're thinking a lot about clothes, aren't you?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Oh, I've got everything planned.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

What are you taking?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Why, a half a pound of under things. An ounce of stockings, three pounds of dresses.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Hey, hey.

[Narrator]

Have you lost your mind? What do you mean? Half a pound of under things. Three pounds of dresses.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

That's the way you pack for air travel, by the pounds.

[Narrator]

You know, I can't help thinking.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Thinking what?

[Narrator]

How easy it would be to tuck a box of new quick luxe flakes into your bag. It's mighty handy to have when you want to freshen up your things.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Hi, Mr. Ruick. I always travel with new quick luck. It's so easy to give my under things or blouses or dresses a quick dip in the suds.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

And it means you don't have to

[Narrator]

take along so many things, doesn't it?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

That's right. I take a few and freshen them often. With new quick luck. It's a grand way to stay fresh. And dainty.

[Narrator]

You know, that's a good tip for all our listeners who are planning vacations. Travel light and take along a box of Luxe Flakes as your daintiness insurance. Luxe removes every trace of perspiration from your washables and protects you against offending.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Undies should be luxed after every wearing blouses, dresses and accessories often, especially during warm weather.

[Narrator]

New Quick Lux is so easy to use so fast. In water as cool as your hand, they dissolve three times as fast as any of 10 other leading soaps tested. And New Quick Lux is thrifty to use, too. Ounce for ounce, it gives you more suds than the other soaps tested, even in hard water. Fast, thrifty and safe for everything. Safe in water alone. That means stockings, under things and all your washable dresses. Ask for New Quick Luxe tomorrow in the generous large box. It comes in the same familiar package and costs no more. Now our producer, Mr. DeMille.

[Producer Cecil B. DeMille]

Act two of Alias the Deacon. Starring Bob Burns as the Deacon. With Helen Wood as Phyllis. The quiet little town of Shelton is proving a gold mine for the amiable Deacon. For a gentleman so unfamiliar with bridge, his luck is astounding. And slowly but Surely, his partner, Mrs. Clark, is winning back all she lost. Through the Deacon's influence, Phyllis is now employed as a waitress in the Clark Hotel. From breakfast to dinner, she's on her feet. But she's never too tired at night to go walking with Johnny Sloane. On this evening, their walk has taken them to the outskirts of the town. At last, in the bright moonlight, Johnny comes to a halt right at the

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

edge of a junkyard.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Well, there it is, Phyllis.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

There's what?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

The junkyard. How do you like it?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Well, it's very pretty.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

I admit it doesn't look like much, but I can buy it cheap.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Buy it? Oh, Johnny, maybe we better sit down and rest. You've been working too hard.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

The idea is quicker in the eye. Lady, you see all those auto wrecks? I can salvage all the junk parts and start a little supply shop, strictly secondhand.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Oh, I see.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

They'll sell it for $250. All I'm short is 240.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

I wish I could help you.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

You can.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

I?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Sure, planning things out is fun, but. Well, it's more fun if you do it with someone. You feel that way, too?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Yes, I. I do.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Well, if I get the business started and things look better, I.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Yes, Johnny.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Oh, maybe you don't want to hear any more of this.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

But I do. A whole lot more.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Then get hold of yourself? Because I got an awful lot to tell you about us. I.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Hey, what's the matter?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

I just happen to think. You know, I don't even know your last name. How about a haircut this morning, Deacon? Fix you up all spruce?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

No, just finish with a shave, Andre, and don't make it too close.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Oh, don't worry about me. I haven't cut a customer in over a week.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

You know, the barber down home used to deduct a penny every time he cut somebody. You know, it was nothing to see a customer leave his shop a dime.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Winter.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Say, how's the sheriff getting along with his gambling crusade? Oh, fine, fine.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

No more gambling in this town.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Well, that's almost too bad in a way. What do you mean? I understand some people find a lot of pleasure in a friendly game of cards. Deacon, you ain't one of those people? Oh, no, no, no. I always remember what my uncle confused. Fuchsias. Caswell used to say, cards have either a bee or a bicycle on their backs. That means if you play with them, you either get stung or taken for a ride. Well, good morning, Mr. Cunningham.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

I've been looking for you, Deacon. What's the idea of your steaming up the Ladies League against holding the fight? I don't like it.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Well, to tell you the truth, Brother Cunningham, I didn't think you would.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

What's that?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

I'm just on my way to the Clark Hotel to address a special meeting of the Ladies League. Now, you're not going my way, are you?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

I certainly am not. Now, listen, Deacon, if you don't stop shooting off your mouth about things that don't concern you, I'm.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Oh, Brother Cunningham, you do concern me. I remember what my Uncle Confucius used to say. It's wise to remember that the teeth that smile also bite.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Hang your Uncle Confucius. I've got an uncle too. And he says a closed mouth catches no flies.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

That kind of makes good sense. Look, Brother Cunningham, now, if you was to make this bite of yours sort of a part for charity.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

What?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

I think that'd kind of lift the entire proceedings into something pretty finer, more aesthetic. Now, now, there's one little charity that's kind of in debt about $3,000. You know anything about it?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

You're not getting a quarter out of me or any information either. Remember what my uncle said.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

All right, Brother Cunningham. And if you see your uncle, you might tell him what my uncle said. He said that smart people always do in the beginning what darn fools finally do in the end. Now, if you'll excuse me. The ladies awaiting. Good morning, Brother Cunningham.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

And now, ladies, I am proud to present our esteemed guest and speaker, the good Deacon Caswell.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Thank you, ladies. Thank you, ladies. My, my, what a wonderful guest. I declare, I don't believe I've ever seen so many bright and intelligent faces. But as intelligent as I'm sure you are, I think I should take a few minutes to explain the subject of this meeting. Just in case there might be one sister among you that doesn't quite understand it. I'm reminded of one such case that happened in my hometown. It seems the Ladies Auxiliary discovered they had a surplus of $140 in the church treasury. And they called a meeting of the congregation to vote on whether or not they would spend $67 for a new chandelier for the church. They put it to a vote and everyone agreed. Except one man that was my own Grandpa Snazzy. Everybody surrounded him and they said, snazzy, we ought to make this unanimous. What are your objections to buying this chandelier for the church? Grandpa Snazzy says it's the silliest thing I ever heard of. Just like throwing $67 in the fire. He says after you bought the chandelier, there ain't a soul in town can play one of the durned things. But, ladies la, we are here today to discuss bringing something to this town that's far more important than that. And that, ladies, is reform. Thank you, ladies. That's why I've chosen to speak to you today on the evils of prize fighting. It isn't prize fighting alone that's objectionable. It's the element it brings to your fair city. After all.

[Announcer]

Save on family essentials at Safeway and Albertsons this week. Extra meaty pork back ribs bone in are $2.99 per pound limit, two member price. And sweet red cherries are $2.99 per pound Limit, 6 pounds member price with coupon plus signature select 80% lean ground beef sold in 3 pound twin pack bricks is $4.99 per pound limit, one member price with coupon. Fresh and delicious savings for every meal. Hurry in. This deal won't last. Visit safewayeralbertsons.com for more deals and ways to save.

[Commercial Voice]

You can never have too many tools.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Shop Dewalt deals at Lowe's. Get a free select Dewalt 20 volt max power tool when you buy a select 20 volt max 5amp hour battery kit.

[Commercial Voice]

Plus get a free additional Dewalt 20

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

volt max 8amp hour battery when you

[Commercial Voice]

buy a Dewalt, 10 inch, 20 volt

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

max, dual bevel, compounded miter saw. Our best lineup is here at Lowe's, valid through 624, while supplies last selection varies by location.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Johnny, come outside quick. It's important.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

All right, right away. What's the matter, Johnny? Has something happened?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Hello?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

What?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

I said, hello, Johnny.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Is that all you wanted?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Sure.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Why?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

I thought it was something important.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Well, I'm important, ain't I?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Yes, but. Well, I thought you had some news about the garage.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

I have.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

What?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

I made $3 this morning fixing a fellow's car. Now All I need is 237.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Oh, Johnny, you're crazy. Hot dog. Yippee. Really, what's the matter with you? Boy, am I happy. Troubles come home to roost. And old Cunningham and his pals.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Friendly little cuss, aren't you?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Now, with those guys, I ain't seeing that prize fight blow up. Tickles me clear down to my heels. You mean the fight's off? It will be unless they can get a substitute for Knockout Blake. He's in the clinker. You mean in jail? Well, what did I just say? I heard him inside. They're trying to dig up a substitute.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Will I pay him?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Sure, if they can find one.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Willie, I think they've got one right now. Come here. I got a great idea. Go into that room and tell them you know a fellow. I tell you, this fight has got to go on. I put a lot of money into this thing. I know, Mr. Cunningham, but is it awful if Blake gets pinched?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Hey.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Hey, you know what I think?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

What?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

What?

[Narrator]

I think we ought to get a substitute.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

I ought to hire somebody to listen to you.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Oh, Champ. Champ. Oh, excuse me. I was looking for the Champ.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

The who?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

The champ. Johnny Sloan.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Johnny Sloan?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Is he a fighter?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Is he? Sayoli over at the gas station told me Johnny once knocked out a guy bigger than the bull here. Huh? There he is outside. Hey, Champ.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Hello, Willie. Did you call me?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Oh, come here, kid.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

So you're a battler, huh? Sure, sometimes.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Battler nothing. He's a killer.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Well, how'd you like to kill the bull? Maybe. How much?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Yeah, how much?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

$100.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

$100? Hey, champ, he thinks you're still an amateur.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Sure sounds like it. Well, that's an insult. No, no, no. Take it easy. Take it easy.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

250.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

250 or nothing.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Oh, come now, be reasonable.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Be reasonable.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

You know, money ain't everything in life. Quiet.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Well, that's what you're always telling me.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

I'LL I'll make it 150. And an extra 100 if you stay the full 10 rounds. All right, you got a deal.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

And a five.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Well, that takes quite a load off my mind. Yeah, well, if I was you, I

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

wouldn't get too happy with that Deacon inside there stirring up the club women against our little wolves.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

The Deacon? Oh, I can handle him.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Yeah? How?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Excuse me, I'll be right back.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Pride. Fighting is the appeal to man's face or instincts. It encourages gambling. It sets men a feudin with each other. It brings a glass of peace.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Call for Deacon Caswell. Call for Deacon Caswell.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

I'll take it, son. If you'll excuse me, ladies.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Right over here. Deacon.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

What is it, son?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Listen, Deacon, you've got to cut out this anti fight stuff.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Oh, I'm afraid I can't, son. I can't explain just now, but Johnny's gonna fight.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

He's gonna get 250 for it. He needs the money badly, Deacon. You see, without it, him and Phyllis can't get married.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Oh, well, that's too bad, but I just can't get out of this right now. I just can't.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

No. All right, Deacon, remember the day I took your bag upstairs for you?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Yes.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Well, it fell open. There were six packs of cards in it.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

No.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Yes.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Oh, I see, I see. Well now, now maybe I can do something after all.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Sure you can, Deacon. Atta boy.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Yes, my dear. Ladies, ladies. I believe I've discussed one side of this question pretty thoroughly. But like all subjects, there are two sides to it. Now, where was I? Oh, yes, yes, yes. I was discussing the evils of prize fighting. Prize fighting is horrible. But prize fighting is also a form of athletics. And athletics is what builds our children into strong, healthy citizens. We don't want our boys to be strong and healthy, do we? We want them to be strong and healthy, don't we? Why, of course we do. And the manly art of self defense will help them to be. And that's why, ladies, I'm telling you now, anyone who opposes prize fighting in this community is a traitor to her country.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Johnny, is it almost time?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Almost. That's the last preliminary up there.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Now, Johnny, I just can't stay and watch the fight. I'm going back to the hotel.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Okay, I'll be there in an hour. We'll spend the rest of the night just counting that bill.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Hello, youngster.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

What do you want now?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Is that friendly? I just stopped in to see how you're feeling.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

I feel better if you keep away from me. You're a jinx.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Oh, you've got me wrong, brother. I hope you knock that bull so cold you'll have to carry him out with a pair of ice tongs.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Okay, I'll do my best.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Sounds like you're feeling pretty fit, all right.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Doesn't he look it?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Well, I like to know these things. Because while the race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, it's not a bad way to bet. Good luck, Johnny.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Thanks.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Okay, let's get going.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

All set. So long, darling.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

So long. Be careful.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Sure. See at the hotel you a little worried.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Worried a polar bear would have to wear mittens to shake hands with me. Oh, I hope it works out, Deacon. So much depends on.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Just remember that that dark cloud has got a $250 silver lining. Now, you run along now.

[Producer Cecil B. DeMille]

Don't worry about it.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

As long as hanging on for all he's worth.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

I don't see how he stuck it out for 10 rounds.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

But he has 10 rounds of terrible punishment. And he's still taking it.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

The bull took another hard riker with jaw. And another one.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

The kids need a buckling.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

He's going down.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

No, no, he won't go down.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Don't get smoke. Come on, Johnny, just for two more seconds. Ten seconds more.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Hang on.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Eight more seconds. Seven seconds. Six seconds. Five. Four, three, two, one. He did it. He did it.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

No use arguing about it, Sloan. 150 is all you get. Take it or leave it. Now, just a minute, Mr. Cunningham. You said an extra 100 if I stuck the full 10 rounds. Well, I stuck, didn't I? Yes, you stuck. You were out on your feet telling me you were a fighter. Why, you couldn't punch your way out of a paper bag. All right, then, this shouldn't hurt you. Come on, Sheriff. We'll probably find him in the hotel.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Right with you, Mr. Cunningham. Just a minute, Mr. Cunningham. Why, I've known Johnny for years. He wouldn't do a thing like that.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Sure, but he did it. There he is, Sheriff.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Do your duty.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

What's the matter here?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Is there anything wrong?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Sloane, you're under arrest.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Why, he had a right to hit Mr. Cunningham.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Maybe so, but he didn't have a right to steal his wallet.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

What?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

I didn't take any wallet. You knocked me unconscious in the dressing room. When I came to, my wallet was gone. You stole it. That's a lie. A lie. I suppose you didn't hit me.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Oh, sure, he hit you, but that's only half the truth. And when a man tells Only half the truth, brother Cunningham. It's just the same as a lie.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

We'll let the law decide that.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

A good sheriff ain't interested in low. He's interested in justice. That may be right, Deacon, but it looks like I'll have to take the boy along.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

All right. Do you mind if I. Can I speak to Phyllis a minute?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Sure. I'll be waiting outside.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Come on, deacon.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Come on. Mr. Cunningham, I'll need you to swear out the warrant.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

It'll be a pleasure, Phyllis.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

You shouldn't have done it, Johnny. Even though he promised you the money, you had no right to take it.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

But I didn't take it. You don't really believe I'd do a thing like that.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

You said you'd go with the sheriff.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

What else can I do? I've told you exactly what happened. I hit him, walked out, bumped into the Deacon and came right over to see you.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Bumped into the Deacon?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Yeah, right outside the dressing room door.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

The Deacon?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Better come along now, Johnny.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Okay.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

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[Announcer]

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[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Don't worry, Phyllis. It'll come out all right. So long.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Oh, Johnny.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Phyllis. I'm awfully sorry about the boy, Phyllis, but I did the best I could for you.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Yes, I'm sure you did.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Huh? What do you mean by that?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

You know what I mean. You were right outside the dressing room when Johnny hit him and knocked him out. Then Johnny left and you went in.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Oh, I see. You think I did it.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

I know all about you. I had a letter from Truck. You will run out of There. You may be fooling Mrs. Clark and a lot of other innocents around here. But I know you. And the whole town will know you. If that wallet isn't returned by tomorrow morning. Do you understand? Tomorrow morning.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

I guess you got a right to think that way you're thinking now. Phyllis, I've been on the wrong side of society for a long time. But I've always liked to believe that I ain't ever been mean. Not as mean as you're making me out to be. I guess it wouldn't do much good for me to tell you you're wrong.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

No, it wouldn't.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

I see. All right, Miss Phyllis. I'll still be around in the morning. Good.

[Narrator]

In just a moment, Mr. DeMille brings you Act 3 of Alias the Deacon. With Bob Burns and Helen Wood. During the short intermission, we bring you our friends, the Browning family again. Mother Browning is returning tonight from a trip. And Dot and Midge have planned a

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

little surprise for her.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

I've got dinner already. Midgie, you bow down with the table. As soon as I lay the spoons all around. There. Doesn't that look nice? Oh, divine. My goodness. I bet Mother will be surprised. Here she comes now. Doc. Midge, where are you? I'm home. Hi, Mother. Greetings, Mummy, darling. Have fun? Grand. How nice everything looks. We've got dinner all ready. All you have to do is eat. You, darling. The table looks lovely. Why, what's this? Surprise, surprise, surprise. These lovely spoons, where did you get them? They're our coming home present for you. How sweet. Just think, we got six of them. Six beautiful teaspoons for only 50 cents. And the top from a large box of new Luxe Quick Locks. It's a new offer the makers of Luxe Flakes are taking right now. And look, Mums, it's the Allure Pattern. Just like the silver we got before. And it's Original Rogers silver Plate. Doesn't it look lovely with our other silver? It looks beautiful, dear. That pattern's so simple. It would go well with any silver. And, Mother, a whole list of the other pieces we can get in. The Allure pattern came with the spoon Doll. And I want to send for the perfectly ducky. Beyond Knives and Forks. Oh, they're sublime. The cutest. Short blades and prongs and long handles.

[Narrator]

And yes, hundreds of thousands of women have been enthusiastic about the beautiful Allure pattern. And so many have asked for matching pieces of this handsome Original Rogers silver Plate. That the makers of Luxe Flakes. In cooperation with the International Silver Company. The World's largest silversmith are offering this amazing bargain once again. So you can get new matching pieces or start a new set. This new offer brings you six beautiful teaspoons in the famous Allure pattern. Guaranteed original Roger silver plate for only 50 cents and the top from a large box of new Quick Luxe. Send the large box top with 50 cents in coin. No stamps, please. And your name and address to Lux Meriden. That's M E R I D E N, Meriden, Connecticut. I'll repeat that address. It's Lux Meriden, M E R I D e N, Meriden, CT. This offer is good only in the United States. I'll tell you more about it after our play. We pause now for station identification. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.

[Producer Cecil B. DeMille]

The curtain rises on the third act of Alias the Deacon. Early the following morning, on the second floor of the Clark Hotel, Phyllis moves swiftly along the quiet corridor. With a nervous glance over her shoulder, she starts down the stairs. But suddenly a figure steps from the shadows and Mr. Sullivan stands in her way.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Good morning, Phyllis.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Oh. Oh, hello. You're up early, Mr. Sullivan.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Yes.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

So are you. Where you been?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

In my room.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Yeah?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

You weren't a minute ago. You were in Sloan's room. I saw you.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

You. You're crazy.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

No, I'm not.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Maybe you better hand it over, Phyllis.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Hand what over?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

That wallet you found.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

But I, I.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Come on. Come on. I saw you. It was under the mattress. You better let me have it.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

No. No. And you won't say anything?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Please, not me. But what about you?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

If they ever put you on the stand, your boyfriend sunk. Well, you couldn't lie either.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

I know he did it. Well, there's only one thing to do.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

You mean get out of town?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Yes.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Look. Beautiful.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

I'd like to help you. There's a bus leaving at 4 o'.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Clock. We could be on it.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

We could be on it?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Sure. You and me.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Thanks just the same. But I always like to travel alone. Deacon? Deacon, is that you?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

It's me, Mrs. Clark. I just came from the courthouse. Johnny will be released just as soon as the papers are filed.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

You're a very persuasive man, Deacon. I never thought I'd be putting up bail for a criminal.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

That boy is no criminal. Besides, helping young love is kind of good for you.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Yes, even if it isn't good for itself. Phyllis just left town. Didn't even want to say goodbye to him.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Left town? The older I get, the less luck I have figuring out any kind of woman.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

You must be Worn out. Deacon. Shall I send a cup of tea to your room?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Well, I'd sure like a cup of tea, but being a bachelor gets kind of lonesome. Maybe we could have it together.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Why, I think that would be pleasant as could be.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

They should have held him. They had no right to let him go. Now take it easy, Mr. Cunningham.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Something the matter, Mr. Cunningham?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Plenty's the matter. That crook has skipped town.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

What?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Johnny Sloan. Somebody put up bail for him and he skipped town.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Oh.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Oh, he wouldn't do that. He must have gone after Phyllis. Somebody must have told him.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Nevertheless, he's gone.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Oh, this is terrible, Mr. Cunningham. I put up the hotel as bail.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

You did what?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

The hotel. I put it up.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

But I counted on this place as security for those loans. I.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Why? Why?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

I'm putting up bail for the man that assaulted me. Elsie, how could you do a thing like that to me?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

I asked her to.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

You asked her to? Elsie, whenever you needed money, you turned to me. But when it came to using that money, my money, you had to turn to a stranger. A meddlesome, two faced hypocrite. Very well, us. As soon as that young crook is caught, I'm starting suit on my note.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

But I. I have six months to pay.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

You had six months. Maybe you didn't notice that the new note is on demand.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Demand?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Perhaps your financial advisor can straighten this out too.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Deacon. Deacon, what am I going to do?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

I'm sorry, Ms. Clark. I. I never thought this would happen,

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

but it's everything I own.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

I. I don't think Mrs. Clark is feeling very well.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

That's surprising when she has you around here to help her.

[Announcer]

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[Commercial Voice]

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[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Oh, Mrs. Gregory was telling me about those little card games, Deacon. Very interesting.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Oh, yes, well, I. I guess I shouldn't have played with those ladies, Brother Cunningham. I succumbed to a weakness. But to tell you the truth, if it wasn't that I didn't know one card from another, I'd be tempted to do it again. And that'd be dangerous because I've got my parish's money in my pocket. $2,500.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

What's that?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Uh huh. Yes, Mr. Sullivan. I got to be careful.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Well, I should say. You see, bridge is a very scientific game, but I'd be perfectly willing to give you a chance to even up at, let's say, a little draw poker.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Draw poker? What's that?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

You don't know? Why, we can teach you, can't we, Mr. Cunningham? Well, I'm kind of angry at the Deacon, but maybe I was a bit too excitable.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Well, that's mighty swell of you, Brother Cunningham.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Just step into the dining room, Deacon. We'll teach you in no time at all. No time. Time.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Now, let's see, gentlemen. You say a royal flush beats everything?

[Narrator]

That's right.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

You're catching on fast again. Come on, let's begin. I'll deal.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Wait. Don't you think I ought to cut the cards? Huh? Oh, not that I don't trust you, Mr. Sullivan. Well, I always say, if you suspect a man, don't play with him. And if you play with him, don't suspect him. Still, I think it'd be a little more friendly if I cut him.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Sure. We'll even cut for deal. Take a card, Deacon.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Well, now, that's downright brotherly.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

I have a 7, 10 here I got a king.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Who wins. Why, you do, Deacon. Already? Naturally.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Beginner's luck.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Beginner's luck. How true, brother, how true. Now let's see. I think you said five cards to each player, didn't you?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Five cards, Deacon.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Thank you. You're welcome. I'll open for ten. Hmm? Ten, eh?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

All right, I'll stay.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Let's see now. That's a lot of money. 10 cents. What do you mean 10 cents?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

$10.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

$10.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Just a sociable game, Deacon.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Oh, well, I'll play along just to see what happens.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Add up, boy. Three cards here and two for me.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Three. Two. I'll just take one.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Huh?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

I pass. Me too. Do we lay our hands down now, gentlemen.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

That's right.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Pair of kings.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

I have three twos.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Let's see now. Aces count as ones, don't they?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Well, yes, they do, but.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Then I guess you win, because that's all I have. Three little Betty ones.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Oh, well, now, that's too bad, Deacon. Better luck next time.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Well, that's the way I feel, brother. You deal. Mr. Sullivan, Is it my turn? I'll open also. I guess I can afford it.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

I'll say you can. Nine straight pots. You sure pick the game up fast.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Thanks to your wonderful tutoring, Brother Sullivan,

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

I'll bet 50 bucks. I'm in.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Well, now, to give you a chance to get even that 50. And 50 more.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

No. Trying to scare me, huh? Well, I pass. So do I. That guy does more raisin than a roller blind.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

There's my hand. The flush, brothers. All the same color.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Hey, wait a minute. They're all the same color, but one of them's a diamond. Yes, yes, one of them is a diamond.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Oh, yes, but. But now, you gentlemen threw your cards away. And when you throw your cards away, you lose. You told me that yourself, Brother Sullivan, remember?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Take that dough. Take it.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

I'm awfully sorry, brothers. In fact, I'm tempted to return your money on this one. But one must never yield to temptation.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

It's my deal. Give me the cards.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Wonderful game, Brother Cunningham. I don't know when I've had so much fun. The last pot I won. They'll save at least 100 heathens.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

If you save any more heathens, they'll have to chip in to save me. All right, all right. Who opens? Who opens?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Opens? Oh, yes, yes. I'll bet $20.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

I'm in.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

I'll stay too.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

How many cards, Deacon?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Well, now, I'll take four.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Four. That's fine.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Two here. Two.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

And two for the dealer.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Brother Cunningham, is it correct to deal from the bottom of the deck?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

I didn't deal from the bottom of the deck.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

I didn't say you did. I just asked if it was correct. Oh, play the game.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Play the game.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

I'll bet a hundred dollars.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Okay, okay, I'm in. 100, eh? All right. And I'll raise that 200.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

I'll raise that another 200.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

I'm out. I'll see that and throw in another 200.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

My goodness. How much money is in that pot, brother? Over $1,000.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

1360m.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Have you got that much cash?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Well, I got Mrs. Clark's note. Is that good enough?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

But lay it down, brother. What would you do with this hand, Brother Sullivan.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Listen, if I knew as little about cards as you, I'd write a book on it.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Oh, well, I'll see it, brother Cunningham.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Right.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Three kings.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

I win.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Oh, just a minute, brother Cunningham. I've got a full house.

[Narrator]

What?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Deacon, you're cheating. Brother Cunningham, how could you say that?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Because I know what cards I dealt you.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Why, brother, funny.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

I mean, it's all a mistake. You see, I, I. Well, all right, all right.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Caught you in the act.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

What is this?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Sheriff, I just got word that there's a card sharp in this room.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

There certainly is. An azure man, Jim Cunningham. What?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Charlie just admitted he was cheating. Oh, please give him another chance, sheriff.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Why, what's going on here?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Oh, Mrs. Clark, Mr. Cunningham has just donated this note of yours to the Caswell fund.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

You mean he's not going to sue?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

I'm afraid not. Are you, brother?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

No, no, certainly not.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Oh, Deacon, how can I thank you? I could just kiss you.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Well, that's a pretty good way. But there's one thing more, Mr. Cunningham. Just what were the denominations of the bills stolen from your wallet?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Four, 100 bills, brand new.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

That's strange. They tally exactly with the bills Mr. Sullivan donated.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

So what are you trying to do, pin it on me? Why, Phyllis even found a wallet in his room.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

I guess she did all right after you put it there last night. You're crazy. Maybe so, but I ain't blind. If you didn't put it there, then how did you get those bills?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Well, I. I can explain that. I.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

You'll explain it down at the jail. Come on now, wait a minute. Shut up. Oh, Deacon, it just occurred to me. Remember that other card sharp I was telling you about? Oh, yes. Well, I think I know who he is.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

I guess he'll be gone, though, by

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

the time I tend to these birds. Oh, I'm sure he will. Good morning, sheriff.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Deacon. Hey, Deacon.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Hello, Willie.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Where you going with that grip at this time of night? Shh.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

I'm leaving town. Willie.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

What?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Well, it's kind of a long story. Something to do with those six decks of cards you found, remember?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Yeah, but do you have to go?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

I guess I do. Good luck, son.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Well, so long. Good luck.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Hello, Deacon.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Well, if it ain't Johnny Sloan and Phyllis.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

We've been waiting here to see you.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

I knew you didn't run away, Johnny.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

I just went after Phyllis. When I got back, I found this in my room. It's a deed to that property I wanted.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Is that so?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

And I know who put it there.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

And who paid for it?

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Thanks, Deacon.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Oh, forget it or else. Go thank Brother Cunningham. It was really his money.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Deacon. Deacon, I just found out why Mr. Cunningham wanted this hotel.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

You don't say. I bet he thinks there's oil on

[Narrator]

this property or something.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Why, yes, he does. And there is too. I've just been speaking to a man from one of the big companies.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

Oil?

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Oh, why, Mrs. Clark, that's wonderful. Deacon, you did all this?

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Oh, listen, I did? You certainly did.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

I'm ashamed of the wrong way I had you pegged, Deacon.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Well, I'm glad you changed your mind about me anyway, Johnny. You see, my Uncle Sankey always used to say that the only people that ever changes their mind are them that has em. Well, I'll be getting on.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Deacon, you aren't leaving? Oh, you can't leave now, boy.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

I'm afraid I got to, Elsie. But it ain't a permanent pardon. I got a few things to take care of and a little thinking to do. When that's all over, I'll be coming back. Because I sure like this town and the people in it. Well, so long, folks. Good luck.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Good luck, guys.

[Narrator]

We bring to a close our performance of Alias the Deacon. In a moment, Mr. DeMille returns with Bob Burns. But first I want to tell you more about our spectacular new offer. Right now, for a limited time, you can get six beautiful teaspoons in the same handsome allure pattern we've offered before. And you can get all six spoons for only 50 cents. And the top from a large sized box of new quick luxe flakes. Why, that's less than 9 cents a spoon. It's a great value, a marvelous bargain. Every single piece is original Rogers silver plate made by the International Silver Company, the world's largest silversmith. That name stands for guaranteed quality. As a matter of fact, a written guarantee comes with the silver and says

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

in part, every piece of silverware bearing the name William Rogers Manufacturing Company is guaranteed to give satisfaction in family use and will be replaced without charge at any time. It does not conform to this guarantee.

[Narrator]

That's it. A guaranteed quality and beautiful workmanship. Besides, the allure pattern is a delicate wheat motif which is truly stunning, rich, graceful and so simple it will harmonize with other silver patterns you already have.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

How do I get these six teaspoons, Mr. Ruick?

[Narrator]

It's very easy. First, buy the thrifty large size box of Lux. When you buy it, ask your dealer for the handy order blank. Or just send your name and address and the top from your large box of New, quick luxe with 50 cents in coin. No stamps, please. Two luxury meriden. That's M E R I D E N Meriden, Connecticut. And you'll receive your six teaspoons promptly.

[Phyllis / Mrs. Clark]

Can I get as many sets as I like, Mr. Ruig?

[Narrator]

You certainly can. But for each extra set, be sure to send another 50 cents. And another large box top with the spoons. You'll get a full list of all the other pieces available in the Allure Pattern. Including the smart new Viand knife and fork. Now remember, you can't buy this Allure pattern in any store. It's exclusive with the makers of Luxe Flakes. So send for your six teaspoons right away. Mail the top from a large box of Lux with $0.50 in coin and your name and address to Lux Meriden. That's M E R I D e N, Meriden, CT. This offer is good only in the United States. Here's Mr. DeMille with our star.

[Producer Cecil B. DeMille]

The deacon is looking for new fields to conquer. But the man who made him real tonight is right here at our microphone, Bob burns.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Thank you, Mr. DeMille. I want to tell you, I enjoy coming to Deluxe Radio Theater. You always say such nice things about my acting.

[Producer Cecil B. DeMille]

Well, bye bye. I hope it was acting.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Now, Mr. DeMille, I don't want people to think if they come over to my house to play Old Maid. I'm going to deal from the bottom of the deck. You know, when we was rehearsing the other day. I got to thinking about my Uncle Fudd.

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

That's a good.

[Producer Cecil B. DeMille]

Exactly what we've been waiting for, Bob. For something to remind you of your Uncle Fudd.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Well, now, you may not know this Mr. DeMille, but he's my poker playing uncle. You know, he just wants to play poker all the time, but he never wins. The last time I was down in Van Buren. Uncle Fudd asked me to go along with him to a poker game. Well, I didn't get into the game, but I watched. And I want to tell you, Mr. DeMille, it was awful. The things they was doing to Uncle Fudd. Why, they dealt from every part of the deck but top. Well, I finally took Uncle Fudd out there after he'd lost 35 or 40 cents. And I said to him, I says, uncle Fud, this game is crooked. They've been cheating you. He said, yes, Robin, I know it. They've been cheating me right along. I said, well, what do you keep going back for? And he says, well, Robin, there ain't nothing I can do about it. It's the only poker game in town.

[Producer Cecil B. DeMille]

Uncle Fud's philosophy is certainly refreshing. I hope your relatives don't start that game on Monday nights until our play is over.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

What's your show going to be next Monday night, Mr. DeMille?

[Producer Cecil B. DeMille]

We're going to have one of the great actresses of our time or any other time in the Lux Radio Theater next Monday night, Ms. Helen Hayes. Our play is the delightful comedy by Mark Connolly and George S. Kaufman to the Ladies. With Helen Hayes we'll have Otto Kruger and they'll both be heard in the same parts they played in the Broadway production. And I serve fair warning that after hearing through the ladies you can never doubt that the hand that wields the skillet is the hand that rules the world.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Well, sir, I'm going fishing, but I'll take a radio along so I can hear that. Good night, Mr. DeMille.

[Producer Cecil B. DeMille]

Good night, Bob.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Come back with some fresh fish stories.

[Producer Cecil B. DeMille]

Our sponsors, the makers of Luxury Flakes, join me in inviting you to be with us again next Monday night when the Lux Radio Theater presents Helen Hayes and Otto Kruger in To the Ladies. This is Cecil B. DeMille saying good

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

night to you from Hollyw.

[Narrator]

May I remind you, ladies and gentlemen, the American Red Cross is appealing to all Americans for contributions to help the thousands of suffering women, children and aged in war ridden Europe. More help is needed. And now show your sympathy by sending a contribution to your local Red Cross chapter heard in tonight's play where Fred Mackay as Johnny. Dwayne Thompson as Mrs. Clark Lou Merrill as Cunningham, Arthur Q. Bryan as Sullivan, Griff Barnett as Sheriff. Bobby Winkler as Willie, Ralph Sedan as Andre, Wally Mayer as Bull. Martha Wentworth as Mrs. Gregory, Celeste Brush as Mrs. Howley, Maxine March as Mildred Gregory, Edward Marr as Station Master and Warren Ash as Police Chief. Bob Burns will soon be seen on the screen in the Paramount picture Coming around the Mountain. He appeared tonight to the courtesy of the Craft Music Hall. Bob has asked us to let you know that KMH will go on the air one hour earlier this Thursday. Our music was directed by Louis Silvers and your announcer has been Melville Ruick. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.

[Commercial Voice]

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[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

I'm here on a job site with Tim, who owns his own electrical contracting business.

[Announcer]

Three employees and two work trucks.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Tim traded up to Geico Commercial Auto Insurance. We're positively here where he needs us most. They sure are. With step by step help on all his insurance needs.

[Narrator]

All for shockingly low rates.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Shockingly low, huh?

[Commercial Voice]

Just a little bit of electrician humor.

[Deacon Caswell (Bob Burns)]

Do you get it? I got it. You know, it feels like we have a real connection. All right, I'll stop. Get a commercial auto insurance quote [e-mail]

[Johnny Sloan / Mr. Cunningham / Sheriff]

and see how much you could save.

[Announcer]

It feels good.

[Commercial Voice]

To Geico.