Irene Castle - The Show Off

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio

Episode: Irene Castle - The Show Off

Date: June 18, 2026
Host: Harolds Old Time Radio
Feature: Lux Radio Theater presents "The Show Off" (Starring The Great Gildersleeve, Una Merkel, and Beulah Bondi)

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EPISODE OVERVIEW

This episode transports listeners to the heyday of American radio drama, featuring a spirited production of George Kelly’s classic comedy The Show Off, as performed by the stars of mid-century radio and film, notably Harold Peary ("The Great Gildersleeve") as the blustering Aubrey Piper. Framed as a family listening event, the episode captures the interplay of earnestness and farce in a portrait of ambition, credulity, and the enduring bonds—and frustrations—of family life.

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KEY DISCUSSION & STORY POINTS

1. Setting the Stage (00:30–03:58)

• Introduction by Cecil B. DeMille:
  DeMille introduces the play and the cast, offering context for the story and celebrating radio’s golden era.
• Setup:
  The Fisher family is introduced in their Philadelphia home, with Wednesday night rituals and mounting anticipation for Amy’s suitor, Aubrey Piper.

"To show off the great Gildersleeve in a proper setting, we've co-starred him with Yona Merkel and Beulah Bondi. You'll find another name on Gildersleeve's birth certificate—Harold Perry, to be exact. But Mr. Perry has been swallowed up by Mr. Gildersleeve to the great enjoyment of the American people." — Cecil B. DeMille (00:50)

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2. Meet Aubrey Piper: The Boastful Suitor (03:58–15:08)

• Aubrey’s Arrival:
  Aubrey enters with theatrical self-assurance, much to the family's annoyance except Amy, who is besotted.
• Family Doubts:
  Discussions among family members cast suspicion on Aubrey's claims, questioning his job and intentions.
• Marriage Proposal:
  Under the romantic moonlight, Aubrey awkwardly proposes marriage, promising a bright—but questionable—future.

"Amy, do you think a married couple can be happy on a hundred dollars a week?" — Aubrey Piper (13:40)

"Oh, Aubrey. Yes, I will, Aubrey. Anytime you say." — Amy Fisher, accepting Aubrey’s proposal (14:53)

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3. Enterprising Schemes & Domestic Reality (16:31–21:27)

• Job Misrepresentations:
  Aubrey seeks a raise at work, exaggerates his prospects, and fails to persuade his boss.
• Amy’s Leap:
  Amy, in a display of commitment and frustration at her family’s interference, leaves home to be with Aubrey.
• Financial Troubles:
  The newlyweds struggle with mounting bills as Aubrey’s promises remain unfulfilled, and his get-rich-quick schemes falter.

"We've just got to get some money. We can't go on like this any longer." — Amy Fisher (20:26)

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4. The Invention: Promise & Peril (21:59–27:25)

• Joe’s Rust-Preventative Invention:
  Amy’s brother Joe develops an innovative formula, which becomes the focus of family hope and Aubrey’s ambitions.
• Aubrey’s Meddling:
  Aubrey tries, with bombast and bravado, to insert himself into the negotiations for Joe’s invention.
• Car Chaos:
  In a show of overconfidence, Aubrey crashes a borrowed car into a police vehicle—without a driver’s license.

"You slam right into a police car." — Amy Fisher (27:34)

"As you say. Broken arm. Well, how did that happen?" — Aubrey Piper, trying to downplay the accident (28:09)

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5. Family Confrontations & Social Embarrassment (29:04–36:00)

• Aftermath:
  Aubrey returns home battered and humiliated, having been bailed out by his brother-in-law, Frank.
• Matriarchal Fury:
  Mrs. Fisher berates Aubrey for risking the family’s reputation and finances.

"They can give you 10 years for a thing like that. And it'd just serve you right if they did, too." — Mrs. Fisher (33:34)

"You don't think they might do anything else to you, do you, Aubrey?" — Amy Fisher (36:31)
"Oh, they might try to take away my license." — Aubrey Piper
"You haven't got a license, have you?" — Amy Fisher
"That's where I fooled him." — Aubrey Piper (36:39)

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6. The Big Business Debacle (38:53–42:20)

• The Pitch:
  Aubrey confronts Mr. Miller of Miller Grant Company, making wild demands for Joe’s invention and ultimately sabotaging the deal.
• Fallout:
  Mr. Miller cancels the agreement after Aubrey’s bravado backfires.

"In the first place, we want $100,000 on the line as an advance…And number three, we want one half the net on every gallon sold as a royalty. There you are, Mr. Miller. That's our proposition. And a fairer one you couldn't find. Am I right or wrong? Shake it up, brother. Shake it up." — Aubrey Piper (41:24)

"The deal is off. We won't give you a lead nickel. No, no, wait." — Mr. Miller (41:55)

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7. Reckoning & Redemption (42:51–53:10)

• Courtroom Jitters:
  Aubrey faces trial for reckless driving, relying on Frank for support.
• Confession & Regret:
  Aubrey reveals to Amy that his interference ruined Joe’s original invention deal.
• Unexpected Triumph:
  Joe returns home, having closed an even better deal ($100,000), partly thanks to Aubrey’s unintentional hardball tactics. The family’s fortune turns, and grudging credit is given to Aubrey.

"Joe…They signed for it this afternoon…they had their contracts all drawn up and everything." — Aubrey Piper, reading from the newspaper (50:46)

"But Aubrey gets half the credit. He swung the deal for double the money." — Joe (52:48)

"Aubrey, it's wonderful. Darling, you're wonderful. Everything wonderful." — Amy Fisher (52:52)

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NOTABLE QUOTES & MEMORABLE MOMENTS

• Aubrey’s Braggadocio:
  "Laughing Louie. He's a first-class pest, that guy. Every time I'm working on something, he sticks his nose in it." — Aubrey Piper (06:34)

• On Love and Money:
  "I think when a girl cares for a man, loves a man, that's all that counts…even if he doesn't have a dime…" — Amy Fisher (14:03)

• On the Family’s Perception:
  "You never in your life heard anybody talk so much. I don't know how Amy stands him." — Mrs. Fisher (04:12)

• Aubrey's Optimism:
  "You just keep your eye on the boy from West Philly, that's all…I’m working on a deal right now that'll put us right up there…" — Aubrey Piper (21:10)

• Classic Aubrey Malapropism:
  "Nothing but a scratch on the medulla obligato." — Aubrey Piper (34:14)

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IMPORTANT TIMESTAMPS

• 00:30 – Cecil B. DeMille’s Opening
• 03:58 – Fisher Family Introduction; Aubrey’s Reputation
• 07:15 – Aubrey’s Entrance and Romantic Banter
• 14:53 – Amy Accepts Aubrey’s Marriage Proposal
• 16:31 – Aubrey Asks for a Raise
• 18:24 – Amy Leaves Home
• 20:15 – Financial Stress in the Marriage
• 21:59 – The Rust-Preventative Invention; Family Discussion
• 27:34 – Car Crash Incident
• 33:34 – Family Fallout Over Aubrey’s Arrest
• 39:15 – Aubrey’s Failed Negotiation with Mr. Miller
• 42:51 – Culmination at the Courthouse
• 50:17 – Joe’s Surprise: The $100,000 Deal Is Done

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TONE & STYLE

The episode is lively and brisk, with the quickfire dialogue and boisterous delivery so characteristic of radio farce. Aubrey Piper’s blend of bravado and ignorance provides humor, while the surrounding characters—Amy’s devotion, Mrs. Fisher’s no-nonsense sarcasm, and Joe’s quiet industry—ground the play in relatable family dynamics. The actors give breezy, comic performances that keep the mood light even through moments of crisis.

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FINAL THOUGHTS

The Show Off remains a comedic exploration of self-delusion, aspiration, and the chemistry—equal parts conflict and affection—of family life. This radio recreation, vibrant with period flavor and classic performances, makes for both a nostalgic listen and a sharp character study. Aubrey Piper may be a pest, but in the end he’s one the family can’t do without.

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Transcript

[Safeway/Albertsons Announcer]

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[Narrator/Announcer]

Clux presents Hollywood. Deluxe Radio Theater brings you the great Gilder Sleeve, Una Merkel and Beulah Bondi in the show on. Ladies and gentlemen, your producer, Mr. Cecil B. DeMille. Greetings from Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen. The night Fiber McGee and Molly introduced a new character into their show called Gilder Sleeve. I'm sure no one could have foreseen the fantastic success story to which we add another chapter tonight. Mr. Gildersleeve made a great hit with Fibber and Molly's audience and soon had a radio program of his own. Then came a series of pictures at rko. And tonight we've cast him in one of the great comedy hits of the American theater. It's George Kelly's famous play, the Show Off. And to show off the great Gildersleeve in a proper setting, we've co starred him with Yona Merkel and Beulah Bande. You'll find another name on Gildersleeve's birth certificate. Harold Perry, to be exact. But Mr. Perry has been swallowed up by Mr. Gildersleeve to the great enjoyment of the American people. In the show off he plays Aubrey Piper, A gentleman with a talent for getting into trouble witnessed the case of his brother in law's invention, which you'll hear more about in just a moment. Some inventors are remembered by everyone. The names of others are lost in the fog of time. The airplane, the electric light, the wireless. Any school child knows who was responsible for them. But nobody knows who invented the wheel or who invented soap. Yet someone did invent soap hundreds of years before it reached the level of perfection. That's called Luxe Toilet Soap. I leave it to you. How many modern inventions would you give up before you do without soap? In research for a picture about Cleopatra, which I made a few years ago, I discovered that she had several ladies in waiting whose job it was to help her keep beautiful. But all the wealth and power of the ancient queen of Egypt didn't serve her half as well as the queen of any American home is served by a cake of lux to itself. But now the show goes on with the show off. And here's the first act. Starring the great Gilder Sleeve as Aubrey Piper, Yuna Merkel as Amy and Beah Bondi as Mrs. Fisher. It's 8 o' clock on a Wednesday evening and Amy Fisher is a flutter with excitement. 8:00 clock Wednesday is a big moment in Amy's Life. For at 10 after, a certain party will ring the doorbell of the little frame house near Philadelphia. Hurriedly, she dabs a powder puff at her nose. And then, hearing the front door open, she rushes to the head of the stairs.

[Amy Fisher]

Mama. Mama was at the door. Yes, it was. It was your sister. Oh, Mama, when the bell rings, let me answer it. Hello, Clara. How's Frank? All right, Mama. Did you see my blue bar pin? It was in my drawer. Well, look in the drawer. I haven't seen it. What's all the excitement, Mama? Wednesday night. Oh, is that fellow still coming here? Oh, right on the dot. Such as he is. It looks like a steady thing, Clara. You never in your life heard anybody talk so much. I don't know how Amy stands him. Your pop can hardly stay in the room where he is. Well, doesn't she take him into the parlor? She does. Yes, but you might just as well leave him out here because he's not in there five minutes till he's out here in the kitchen again talking about politics. You'd think he knew something about it. And the investment business, he's always talking about that too. That's where he works, you know. The Billings Investment Company. He says he's head of the sales department. But I says to your brother Joe, I says, I don't know how he can be head of anything. From the talk of him. Joe says he's a nut. But you don't dare say anything to Amy about him. Oh, no. She thinks he's heaven's gift to the Fisher family. And for all she knows about him, he could be a tramp in the park instead of with the Billings Company. Well, that's where he works though. Mom, how do you know Frank knows him? You're Frank? Uh huh. He says he eats his lunch at the same place there at 15th and Archie. And does he say he knows him? Why, sure. He says he's seen him around there for a long time. Frank calls him Carnation Charlie. He says he's always got a big carnation in his buttonhole and carries a cane. That's the one he's always got it on when he comes here to. I believe in my heart, Clara. That's what's turned your sister's head. Did Frank say what his name was? Aubrey Piper. I think that's it. Aubrey Piper. Sounds more like a place than a man's name. What does he do at Billings? He's a clerk. A clerk? I knew it. Head of the sales department.

[Aubrey Piper]

Hello, Claret.

[Amy Fisher]

Oh, hello, Pop.

[Aubrey Piper]

Well, has that nut arrived yet?

[Amy Fisher]

Not yet, but he will.

[Aubrey Piper]

I hope to heaven he stays in the parlor tonight. I want to read my paper. And if he slaps me on the back once more, I'll kill him.

[Narrator/Announcer]

That laugh of his.

[Aubrey Piper]

Enough to drive a man crazy. What's that?

[Amy Fisher]

Must be Joe. He's down the cellar trying to fix the radio. Joe, is that you?

[Aubrey Piper]

Yeah. Give me a hand with a set, will you, Pup?

[Amy Fisher]

I thought you was gonna keep it downstairs.

[Aubrey Piper]

There isn't enough light.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Okay. Thanks, Pup.

[Aubrey Piper]

Well, is that screwball come in yet?

[Amy Fisher]

Well, he certainly is a big hit with his family.

[Aubrey Piper]

Laughing Louie. He's a first class pest, that guy. Every time I'm working on something, he sticks his nose in it. What are you doing?

[Narrator/Announcer]

What are you doing?

[Aubrey Piper]

You know that formula I've been working on to prevent rust? He got his nose into that the other night, too. Next time he does it, he's going to get sucked.

[Amy Fisher]

Oh, there he is now.

[Aubrey Piper]

Amy, put out the light in here

[Narrator/Announcer]

and shut the door.

[Aubrey Piper]

Maybe you'll think we've gone out.

[Amy Fisher]

Well, I've got to go. Well, go out the back door if you don't want to be here all night, Amy. Goodbye, Mom. Goodbye, Pop. Goodbye. Be quiet now. If he hears a voice in here, he'll pop in here like a jumping chair. There. Just a minute, Aubrey. Hello, Aubrey.

[Aubrey Piper]

Greetings on you, little girl. How's every little thing? Hitting on all three.

[Amy Fisher]

Come in, Aubrey.

[Aubrey Piper]

Right on the job, Amy. Ten minutes past on the dock. The pride of old West Philly never misses. No, sir.

[Amy Fisher]

I'll take your hat, Aubrey.

[Aubrey Piper]

Anything to please the ladies. Here you are. And the boy rode off with many thanks and many a backward bow.

[Amy Fisher]

Oh, come on in the parlor, Aubrey.

[Aubrey Piper]

One second, little gal. One little favor. Never again will I trouble the bell of old North Philly. How about a drink of the old Aquapura, huh? That's water to me.

[Amy Fisher]

Of course, Aubrey. I'll be right back. Make yourself comfortable.

[Aubrey Piper]

Don't you worry about me, little gal.

[Amy Fisher]

Amy. Amy. Shut that door. Well, what's the matter, Mom? I just want to get a drink of water. For Aubrey.

[Aubrey Piper]

Listen, Amy, I don't want that fellow popping in here. Good evening, ladies and gents. Yeah, stay right where you are, folks. Right where you are. Going right out on the next train. How are you, little mother? Evening, pop. Hi, Joe. Hello, Amy. Step on the gas with the old aquapura. Man's got to have a drink. How about it, pop? You'll stay with me on that a pop. Listen, I don't like to be slapped on the back. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I want to tell you this is a very pretty little picture of domestic felicity. Father reading, mother knitting. And little old Joe Edison Fisher there working 18 hours a day to make the rich man richer and the poor man poorer. What about it, popcorn? Am I right or raving? Will you let me alone and keep your hands to yourself? I never saw such a pest in my life. Well, what's the matter with popsy wopsy? Little office feed, eh, mother Fisher?

[Amy Fisher]

Here's your water, Aubrey.

[Aubrey Piper]

Ah, thank you, my dear. Blushing as she gave it, looking down at her feet so bare in her tattered gown. Yes, how's that, mother fisher? Can't beat that little old willie Shakespeare now, can you? No, sir. I'd like to tell the brothers that that little old Shakespeare party shook a wicked spear. Well, here's laughter. Ladies and Mr. Marconi, my best regards to you. Ah, very nice indeed. And a sweeter draft from a fairer hand was never quiet. Oh, you well, Mr. Joseph, what are you doing? What are you doing, Joseph? I am fixing something. At it again, eh? The young inventor himself. Well, Mr. Joseph, I want to tell you, you're wasting your time. When you're all through, they'll offer you 20 cents for it and sell it for 20 million. Take it or leave it. Sign on the dotted line. Yes, sir. That's exactly what they did. A little old. Yours truly here. 20 Lincoln anacondas for a formula that would have solved the greatest problem before the industrial chemical world today. What kind of a formula? Why, a formula to prevent the rusting of iron and steel. A solution of vanadium and manganese to be added to the metal in its molten state instead of applied externally. Where did you hear that? Here. What, my boy? About a rust preventative using vanadium and manganese. Little idea of my own. Yeah, you heard it right here in this room. I was talking about it last Sunday. Oh, you thought of it too, eh? Well, just goes to show you, Joe, great minds run in the same. Oh, shut up. You give me a swift pain. I love that boy. Yes, mother Fisher. That Little boy of yours has got some great ideas. I was speaking to some of the men who work under me just the other day, Mother. I said, gentlemen, the inventive genius in this country is. Where you going, Mother?

[Amy Fisher]

I got a touch of the same pain. Good night.

[Aubrey Piper]

Must be an epidemic around here.

[Amy Fisher]

Oh, Aubrey. Aubrey, let's go in the parlor, shall we?

[Aubrey Piper]

Yeah. You know, Amy, sometimes I get a funny feeling that your folks don't like me. Many brave hearts all asleep in the dark. So beware, be. Well. Little high, I guess.

[Amy Fisher]

Oh, yes. Mother, do you want something? I just wanted to tell you that it's nearly 12 o'.

[Aubrey Piper]

Clock.

[Amy Fisher]

We're all going to bed around here.

[Aubrey Piper]

I was just about to take my reluctant leave, little mother.

[Amy Fisher]

Well, I don't want to hurry you.

[Aubrey Piper]

Not at all, not at all. In fact, the recent outburst was in the nature of a farewell concert. A little old song at twilight. You know, Mother Fisher, to soothe the savage beast. Yes.

[Amy Fisher]

Come on, Aubrey, I'll walk to the gate with you.

[Aubrey Piper]

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. It's a beautiful night, all right.

[Amy Fisher]

Oh, isn't it?

[Aubrey Piper]

Look at that moon up there, Amy. Is that a moon or is that a moon? I say it's a moon.

[Amy Fisher]

Oh, it's beautiful.

[Aubrey Piper]

Yeah.

[Safeway/Albertsons Announcer]

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[Aubrey Piper]

We run the business on Shopify. Start your free trial on shopify.com. you know, it's times like this when a man gets to thinking, Amy.

[Amy Fisher]

Does he, Aubrey?

[Aubrey Piper]

Yes, sir. That old moon up there makes you think a lot of things. A man's got to be pretty careful. Oh, but when a man's knock around the world like I have A man gets pretty wise when a man meets the right girl. Man knows he's met the right girl. Do you follow me?

[Amy Fisher]

I. I think so, Aubrey.

[Aubrey Piper]

Amy, do you think a married couple can be happy on a hundred dollars a week?

[Amy Fisher]

Oh, Aubrey. Yes, I do.

[Aubrey Piper]

Be nice if they had it, too.

[Amy Fisher]

Aubrey, is there any. Is that how much you.

[Aubrey Piper]

Well, more or less. More or less? Right now it's a little less, but I'm thinking of putting over a deal, Amy. Just between us two.

[Amy Fisher]

You know, I don't think it makes any difference how much a man makes. I think when a girl cares for a man, loves a man, that's all that counts. The only important thing in the world, or should be, even if he doesn't have a dime. Don't you?

[Aubrey Piper]

Well, I got two nickels.

[Amy Fisher]

No, no. I mean, don't you think. Don't you think about love?

[Aubrey Piper]

Oh, sure. Ever since I was 14. Amy. Yes, sir. It's a little old Cupid dart that counts.

[Amy Fisher]

And after all, you can't buy happiness, can you?

[Aubrey Piper]

Definitely not. So they say. Well, well, well, Amy, what do you think? Huh?

[Amy Fisher]

About? You mean about?

[Aubrey Piper]

Yeah. What do you say? Is it a go? Say yes, Amy. Say you'll pool your coffee ration with me, Aubrey.

[Amy Fisher]

You mean, will I marry you?

[Aubrey Piper]

That's the general thought I'm trying to convey.

[Amy Fisher]

Oh, Aubrey. Yes, I will, Aubrey. Anytime you say.

[Aubrey Piper]

Amy. Amy. Piper,

[Amy Fisher]

I am not going to let you do it. I won't stand for it. Oh, Mama, stop it. I'm going to marry him, and that's all there is to it. But you don't even know him. You don't know what he does or how much he makes or anything about him. I don't have to. I know I like him, and that's enough. All right. But remember this, Amy. Be sure that he keeps you and you keep him. And don't be coming around here for your pop to keep you. Mama, don't make me laugh. Aubrey's got a wonderful position. He makes plenty of money. Who says so? I just know from the way he talks he makes at least a hundred dollars a week. Whoever heard of a clerk making a hundred a week? A clerk? Where did you hear that? From Frank Hyland. What does Frank Hyland know about it? He knows Aubrey Piper. And Frank says he's a clerk down there, just like 5 million others. Oh, that just shows how much he knows about it. Aubrey told me he makes a hundred dollars a week. And what's more, he's going to swing a great big Deal. Pretty soon the only thing he'll ever swing is that cane he carries. Amy, dear, I'm warning you once and for all. Mama, why don't you let me make my own life? You took who you wanted, didn't you? And Clara took the man she wanted. Well, I'm gonna take what I want. And I want Aubrey Piper.

[Aubrey Piper]

So you'd like a raise, eh, Piper? Well, that's the general idea I was trying to convey, Mr. Williams.

[Narrator/Announcer]

What for?

[Aubrey Piper]

Well, the way I figured is this. A man's gonna get married. Well, when a man gets married, he's got to have enough spirit for a wife, right? Right. And I figure about 100 a week, maybe a little more. How much do you make now, Piper? 35. Not very much, Mr. Williams. No, it isn't. But this investment business isn't what it

[Narrator/Announcer]

used to be either.

[Aubrey Piper]

Yes, sir. But 35 is all you're worth, Piper. But, Mr. Williams, from what I've seen of your ability, it's more than you're worth. Yes, sir. Now, would you like 35 or nothing at all? No, sir. What makes you think you're entitled to a raise? You don't have to get married, do you? No, sir. Then put it off for a while. Yes, sir, but I. That's all, Piper. That's all.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Goodbye.

[Aubrey Piper]

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Hey, Piper. Yes, sir. Yeah.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Huh?

[Aubrey Piper]

Look. How did it go? Did you get the race? Oh, the race. Oh, yes. We talked it over, the boss and I. He. He's gone to sleep on it. I hope he has nightmares. Gee, pretty lucky, Piper. Well, there's nothing to it, if you got the right approach. Fred, I got in a good word for you too. Yeah?

[Narrator/Announcer]

Oh, gee, thanks.

[Aubrey Piper]

Well, I'll go to lunch now. Gotta feed the old furnace, you know. See you around. Fresh.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Yeah.

[Aubrey Piper]

Hi, Aubrey. What'll it be? Hi, Sam. I'll have a ham on rye and a chocolate frosted. And don't spare the ice cream. Sam. Two scoops. Oh, two scoops. Sure. What do I care? That's a nickel extra, Aubrey. Slap it in there, Sam. You know Piper, the old sport himself.

[Commercial Announcer]

Sure.

[Aubrey Piper]

One ham on one frosted scoop. A double.

[Amy Fisher]

Aubrey. Aubrey.

[Aubrey Piper]

Amy, what are you doing way down here?

[Amy Fisher]

Aubrey, I have to speak to you.

[Aubrey Piper]

Say, I'm glad you came, Amy. You know that deal I was talking about? Well, it didn't go through, honey. I mean.

[Amy Fisher]

Aubrey, listen.

[Aubrey Piper]

So I was just thinking, maybe if we could postpone getting married.

[Amy Fisher]

Aubrey, I've got to tell you, darling, it's awfully important. I've done it Aubrey. Huh?

[Aubrey Piper]

Done what?

[Amy Fisher]

I've done it. I've left home.

[Aubrey Piper]

You left?

[Amy Fisher]

Oh, I just had to. I couldn't stand it anymore. And I just told Mama. I said, I'm leaving Mama, and that's that.

[Aubrey Piper]

You told Mama, huh? Well, I was just gonna tell you. Amy, that deal, I mean, where are you gonna live?

[Amy Fisher]

I don't know. I haven't even thought about it. I burned my bridges, Aubrey.

[Aubrey Piper]

You burned mine, too. Oh. Well, I. I guess we better get married pretty soon then, huh?

[Amy Fisher]

Oh, Aubrey, do you suppose we could.

[Aubrey Piper]

Oh, sure. You just leave everything to me.

[Amy Fisher]

Oh, Aubrey, that'd be wonderful. And it doesn't really make any difference, does it? I mean, we were going to be married anyway, and, well, you make so much money and all and. Oh, Aubrey, tell me it's all right.

[Aubrey Piper]

Oh, it's fine, Amy. It's fine. Just a minute. Hey, Samuel. Samuel. Yeah? Cancel that extra scoop, will you?

[Narrator/Announcer]

Act two of the show off. Starring the great Gildersleeve as Aubrey Piper, beulah Bondi as Mrs. Fisher and Una Merkel as Amy. Six months have passed, and the romance of Amy and Aubrey has blossomed into marriage. Amy is too proud to admit it to her family, but she has discovered, as wives sometimes do, that her mate is more talk than action. He's not the head of his department, nor does he earn the expected $100 per week. And now, in the Piper kitchenette, the financial question has again reared its ugly head.

[Amy Fisher]

Bills, bills, bills. Aubrey, what are we going to do?

[Aubrey Piper]

How's the coffee coming along? Amy? Boy can't be late to work, you know.

[Amy Fisher]

Aubrey, listen to me.

[Aubrey Piper]

Sure. What's on your mind?

[Amy Fisher]

Aubrey, we've just got to get some money. We can't go on like this any longer.

[Aubrey Piper]

Why not? We've been getting along fine.

[Amy Fisher]

Have we? Look at this. We owe $30 to the butcher, 23 to the grocer, 8, 10 to the milkman. And the janitor was here about the rent again.

[Aubrey Piper]

I'll speak to him on the way out.

[Amy Fisher]

On your way out is right. He's going to throw us out Friday.

[Aubrey Piper]

You mean he's threatened us? Why? He can't get away with that. I'll break the lease, that's what I'll do. How about a piece of toast, honey?

[Amy Fisher]

Aubrey, he can get away with it. We've got to pay up or get out.

[Aubrey Piper]

All right, we'll get out. I never liked this place anyway. The bathtub gurgles. Have you got any peanut butter?

[Amy Fisher]

Aubrey, how can I make you understand?

[Aubrey Piper]

Listen, honey, do Me a favor. Will you forget about it? Everything's gonna be fine.

[Amy Fisher]

Is it how?

[Aubrey Piper]

You just keep your eye on the boy from West Philly, that's all. Now, I didn't want to mention this, but I'm working on a deal right now that'll put us right up there on top of the. Where's the jelly?

[Amy Fisher]

What kind of a deal, Aubrey?

[Aubrey Piper]

Never mind. You'll see.

[Amy Fisher]

But I want to know.

[Aubrey Piper]

Well, it's a little idea I've had in the back of my head for a long time.

[Amy Fisher]

What idea?

[Aubrey Piper]

It's pretty technical, Amy.

[Amy Fisher]

Aubrey, tell me, what is it?

[Aubrey Piper]

Well, it's a rust preventative. A combination of magnesium and vanadium.

[Amy Fisher]

Oh, Aubrey, that's Joe's idea. That's the thing he's been working on for years.

[Aubrey Piper]

Oh, beat me to it, eh? Well, the more power to him. Good evening to you, one and all. Hello, Mother Fisher.

[Amy Fisher]

Oh, hello. It's you, is it?

[Aubrey Piper]

What's the good word, Mother? Been siphoning out any gas tanks lately? Where's Amy? Is she here?

[Amy Fisher]

No. Ain't she home?

[Aubrey Piper]

No, I just came by there.

[Amy Fisher]

Well, she ain't been here today.

[Aubrey Piper]

Yeah, she was saying this morning she thought she'd go out and look for a house today. I suppose she hasn't got back yet. I wanted to take her to the movies. I got the loan to Harry Albright's car.

[Amy Fisher]

Did you say she was out looking for a house?

[Aubrey Piper]

Yeah. We gotta get out of that place we're in the Acme machine People have bought the whole block. They're gonna put up a new factory there.

[Amy Fisher]

How soon do you have to get out?

[Aubrey Piper]

Friday. I mean, as soon as we can find another place.

[Amy Fisher]

I'm afraid you won't find it so easy to get a place as reasonable as that again in a hurry.

[Aubrey Piper]

I don't want a place as reasonable as that. I want a real home. Mamma mia. Something with ground around it. Or I can do a bit of tennis in the evening.

[Amy Fisher]

Well, if you do, you'll pay for it.

[Aubrey Piper]

That's exactly what I expect to do, Mother Fisher. Not giving you a short answer, of course. That's exactly what I expect to do. And no more of the old first of the month business for this growing boy. He's all washed up. Signed on the dotted line. I'm going to buy, Mother.

[Amy Fisher]

Buy? Buy what?

[Aubrey Piper]

A house, Mother Fisher. A real little home. You ought to go out along the boulevard some Sunday. Some fine little buys out there.

[Amy Fisher]

Well, there's no danger of your going out along the boulevard. Except for a walk.

[Aubrey Piper]

A lot of people out that way, Mother, and a man's gotta live someplace.

[Amy Fisher]

Well, if he's wise, he'll live where he's able to pay for it. Besides, you haven't got any furniture for a house unless you don't mind sitting on the floor.

[Aubrey Piper]

The matter of furniture nowadays, Little Mother, is a very inconsequential item.

[Amy Fisher]

It still costs money, don't it?

[Aubrey Piper]

Money? Money. That's something that never worries me.

[Amy Fisher]

I know, but it worries me. How are you gonna buy furniture when you haven't got any money to even buy a house?

[Aubrey Piper]

Don't fret, material. There's things in the wind. Things in the wind?

[Amy Fisher]

Well, there ought to be. There's plenty of it.

[Aubrey Piper]

Plenty of what, Mother?

[Amy Fisher]

Plenty of wind.

[Aubrey Piper]

Yes, right there with the old sense of humor, eh? Well, I guess I'll mooch along.

[Amy Fisher]

Yes, mooch.

[Aubrey Piper]

Oh, say, if Amy calls, tell her I got the loan of Harry Albright's car. Fred Meyers and I will meet her in front of the Rivoli at eight bells.

[Amy Fisher]

I suppose you mean eight o', clock, don't you?

[Aubrey Piper]

Give the lady a cigar, professor. Well, cheerio, Mrs. Whistler.

[Amy Fisher]

Who?

[Aubrey Piper]

Mrs. Whistler. Man's dream of an ideal mother.

[Amy Fisher]

Oh, shut up, you fool. Go on, mooch.

[Aubrey Piper]

Yeah, Cheerio, gal. Many brave hearts are asleep in the deep. Hello, Aubrey. Well, well. Jojo, the dog face boy. How's the lad?

[Narrator/Announcer]

Oh, I'm okay.

[Aubrey Piper]

Fine. What's the matter, Joe? You look excited. Well, I am in a way. Look, Aubrey, can you keep your mouth shut about something? You can trust me, Jose. Sphinx Piper, my friends call me. What? Sphinx. Sphinx. Oh. Well, Joe, what's the big secret? Well, I sold it. Sold it? Sold what? My invention. The rust preventative. No.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Yeah, I was down at the Miller Grant office all day.

[Aubrey Piper]

I went over the whole thing with them and we're going to tie it all up Monday morning. Nice work, Mr. Joseph. I hope you got yourself a good slice of the old Muller. I think it's all right. They're going to give me $50,000 for it. 50,000? Well, not bad, not bad. First offer, I suppose. First and last. I'm grabbing it. Don't be a sucker, Joe. Give them the old hard to get treatment. They'll come through with twice that. Oh, no, this is too good to fool around with. Anyway, I'm satisfied. You know, we can do a lot with that money. We certainly can. I was talking about the family. Oh, the family. Yes, of course. That's what I meant. But I still Think you could get more, Joe, what you need is somebody to go in there and talk to those guys. Somebody cut it out, will you? I'm satisfied. I'm sorry I mentioned it to you at all. Hey, Aubrey, what do you say? Right there, Fred. Well, best of luck, Joe, my boy. Don't forget now. Don't say anything about it. Mum's the word, Joe. Mum's the word.

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Aubrey Piper]

Hey, Aubrey, I thought you said you knew how to drive. What's the matter, Fred? We're getting there, aren't we? Yeah, but I hate to think what Harry's car's gonna be like. Don't you worry about the car, Fred. Everything's under control.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Yeah, so I hear.

[Aubrey Piper]

It's got a slipping clutch, that's what it is. Hey, that's a red light. You better stop, huh? Oh, boy, Aubrey, you're about the world's worst. I think I better get out.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Water.

[Aubrey Piper]

Oh, we'll be there any minute. Just let that little old light give me the go ahead, Fred, and we'll be zipping on our way. Here we go.

[Amy Fisher]

Hey.

[Safeway/Albertsons Announcer]

What?

[Aubrey Piper]

What's the matter? Look out for that car. Look out.

[Amy Fisher]

Look out.

[Aubrey Piper]

Did you see that guy? He cut right in front of me. Listen, Aubrey, that was a police car. A what? A police car. You slam right into a police car. All right, keep moving there.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Move along. Hey, you.

[Aubrey Piper]

Good evening, officer. Had a little brush here. Nothing serious, I hope, eh?

[Narrator/Announcer]

Oh, no, no. You just knocked three of our wheels off, that's all.

[Aubrey Piper]

I'd like to take a sock at that dope. Where is it?

[Narrator/Announcer]

Take it easy, Mike. You go along and have that arm fixed. I'll take care of this fellow. Go along now.

[Aubrey Piper]

All right, but you better report about the car.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Don't worry, Mike.

[Aubrey Piper]

Did that other gendarme get hurt?

[Narrator/Announcer]

Oh, no. I think it's just a little matter of a broken arm. Nothing serious.

[Aubrey Piper]

As you say. Broken arm. Well, how did that happen?

[Narrator/Announcer]

I'm not sure, but I think he was waving to a friend. He threw it out of joint.

[Aubrey Piper]

Very good.

[Narrator/Announcer]

All right, let's see your license.

[Aubrey Piper]

License? License? Oh, you mean my driver's license.

[Amy Fisher]

You know what I mean.

[Aubrey Piper]

Sure. Let me see now. That's not it. That's not it. Oh, my draft card. Four PH PH. Positively hopeless.

[Narrator/Announcer]

They ain't kidding either.

[Aubrey Piper]

It got me that time. Now, let's see.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Come on, come on, give me your license.

[Aubrey Piper]

Well, Officer, I'll tell you the truth. You beat me to it by three days. What are you talking about? Well, I've been meaning to get a license for some time. As a matter of fact, I was going down there for one next Tuesday. I.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Just a minute. Am I hearing things?

[Aubrey Piper]

Are you trying to tell me that you don't have a license? You got me again, Officer. I've got you all right.

[Amy Fisher]

Get out of that car. 10 o'. Clock. I can't understand it. I waited at the movies for over an hour. If he wasn't going to come, he would have called here, wouldn't he? Don't ask me what he'd do. I'm beginning to get worried. He says you've got to get out of that place you're in. Yes. Yes, that's what I was doing today. Looking around for something. Did you see anything? Oh, I saw a couple of places that were fair, but they want too much money. You're not really looking for a house, are you, Amy? Yes, if I can find one. Aubrey says he will not live in rooms any longer. And he doesn't want to pay rent. He wants to buy. Amy, I thought you had a little sense, but you're nearly as bad as him. You talk awfully silly, Mother. You'd think everybody that was married was living out in the street. Well, that's where a good many of them would be living, Amy. Only that somebody belonging to him is giving him a hand. You're everlasting borrowing as it is. Why? Always pay it back, don't I? You do when you get it. But that's not the point, Amy. It's that what you get, one week, don't last you till the next. Oh, Mother, let me alone. If you are trying to make me say I'm sorry I married Aubrey, well, I'm not. I'm glad I married him. And I wouldn't change him for anyone else I ever met in my life. So there. All right, Amy. But someday that man's gonna bring trouble on us. I can feel it in my bones. He won't bring trouble. And if he does, it'll be between him and me. You don't have to worry. All right. All right. Amy? Is that you, Joe? It's me, Mom. Oh, hello, Clara. What you doing here? Well, I. I don't know. Isn't Frank here? You're Frank? He called up the house and said I better get right over here. It was something about Aubrey. What about Aubrey? Well, I don't know. I couldn't understand what he was saying. Oh, I hear you moving, Amy. Yes, we are. We want a house. A house? Oh, Amy, if you can't pay your rent where you are, how do you expect to pay more? How do you know I'm not able to pay my rent where I am? Now, don't you start a fight, Amy. Oh, but I'd just like to know what business it is of hers, whether I can pay my rent or not. Nobody's asking her to pay it. Oh, no? Well, your husband's been to Frank Highland twice already to pay it. What? That's a lie. It is not. He's asked him twice and got it, too, till I put a stop to it. Mama, make her take that back. I won't. It's true. Now, you hush up, both of you. I guess if Clara says it's true, Amy, she must know. And it just goes to prove what I say. Oh, let me alone. Let me alone. I told her. I told her that man would start trou. Well, now, who should arrive?

[Aubrey Piper]

Oh, buenos noches, little mother. Is Amy here?

[Amy Fisher]

For land's sake, what's happened to you? What's that bandage on your head?

[Aubrey Piper]

Bandage? Oh, yes. Nothing to get upset about. Beginning to rain outside, Mother.

[Amy Fisher]

Never mind the rain. The rain didn't do that to you. I guess you ran into somebody, didn't you?

[Aubrey Piper]

Don't get excited, Mama. Just a little misunderstanding on the part of the traffic officer.

[Amy Fisher]

You don't mean to tell me that you ran into a traffic officer?

[Aubrey Piper]

Control. Now, little mother, I assure you there's no occasion for undue solicitation. Good evening, Clara.

[Amy Fisher]

What happened to your head?

[Aubrey Piper]

The various trifle, Mrs. Hyland. Just a little spray from the windshield.

[Amy Fisher]

Where's that car you borrowed? Smashed, I guess, ain't it?

[Aubrey Piper]

The car I borrowed, Mother Fisher, is now in the hands of the bandits of the law, the judicial gentlemen who collect fines for motorists by ordering them to go one way and then swearing they told them to go another.

[Amy Fisher]

Never mind your fancy talk. I want to know who you killed and where is the automobile that someone was fool enough to lend you.

[Aubrey Piper]

The automobile, Little Mother is perfectly safe, parked and pasturing in the courtyard of the police station.

[Amy Fisher]

So you got arrested.

[Aubrey Piper]

Well, I accompanied the officer as far as the station house, yes. And while I was there I told them a few things about the condition of traffic in this city.

[Amy Fisher]

I guess they told you a few things too, didn't they?

[Aubrey Piper]

Repeat the question, please.

[Amy Fisher]

Oh, shut up.

[Aubrey Piper]

Yes.

[Amy Fisher]

What did they do, fine you?

[Aubrey Piper]

Well, they were all set to find me when I got through with them. They didn't have a leg to stand on, so they trumped up a charge of driving an automobile without a license.

[Amy Fisher]

Did they take the automobile away from you?

[Aubrey Piper]

Nothing of the sort.

[Safeway/Albertsons Announcer]

Of.

[Aubrey Piper]

They simply complied with the usual procedure in a case of this kind. Which is to release the defendant on bond pending the extent of the victim's injury.

[Amy Fisher]

So there was somebody injured?

[Aubrey Piper]

The traffic cop that ran into me.

[Amy Fisher]

For heaven's sake, couldn't you find anybody but a traffic cop to run into?

[Aubrey Piper]

I didn't run into him, Mother. You don't understand the circumstances of the case.

[Amy Fisher]

Well, I understand this much. They can give you 10 years for a thing like that. And it'd just serve you right if they did, too. Borrowing people's automobiles and knowing no more about running them than I do.

[Aubrey Piper]

No time like the present to learn, Mother.

[Amy Fisher]

Well, you'll have plenty of time from now on. If that officer seriously injured?

[Aubrey Piper]

Yeah, he was faking a broken arm around there when I left. It's a wonder to me that poor goof wasn't signed on the dotted line. He ran head on right into me.

[Amy Fisher]

Did they take the cop to the hospital?

[Aubrey Piper]

I believe they did.

[Amy Fisher]

Aubrey. Aubrey, what happened to you?

[Aubrey Piper]

Well, the little woman herself. Hi, Amy.

[Amy Fisher]

What is it, Aubrey?

[Aubrey Piper]

Nothing in the world, baby. I had a little mix up on Broad Neary Avenue.

[Amy Fisher]

You didn't get hurt, did you?

[Aubrey Piper]

Nothing but a scratch on the medulla obligato. Just a little shake up.

[Amy Fisher]

He nearly killed a traffic officer, that's how much of a shake up it was. You didn't, Aubrey, did you?

[Aubrey Piper]

Certainly not. Amy, your mother's raving.

[Amy Fisher]

The man's in the hospital. I don't know what more you want. Is he, Aubrey?

[Aubrey Piper]

Do you think I'd be here if he was?

[Amy Fisher]

You wouldn't be here. Only that someone was fool enough to bail you out instead of letting you stay there where you couldn't be killing people. Are you out on bail, Aubrey?

[Aubrey Piper]

They always bail a man in a case like this, Amy. They got my car on their hands. I just got to call around for it Tuesday morning at 10 o'.

[Commercial Announcer]

Clock.

[Amy Fisher]

I guess you just got to go down there to a hearing Tuesday morning at 10 o' clock and pay your fine. I guess that's the automobile you've got to call for. How much did they find you, Aubrey?

[Aubrey Piper]

They didn't fine me at all.

[Amy Fisher]

They'll do that Tuesday.

[Aubrey Piper]

Time will tell that, Mother Fisher.

[Amy Fisher]

How much bail did they put you under, Aubrey?

[Aubrey Piper]

1,000 berries, Amy.

[Amy Fisher]

A thousand dollars?

[Aubrey Piper]

That's regulation. Little chicken feed for the stool pigeons.

[Amy Fisher]

Did you say a thousand dollars?

[Aubrey Piper]

That's what I said, Mother Fisher. 1,000 trifles. I wouldn't kid you.

[Amy Fisher]

You wouldn't kid anybody that listened to you for five minutes. And who did you get to go a thousand dollars bail for? You?

[Aubrey Piper]

Don't be alarmed, little mother. I saw that the affair was kept strictly within the family.

[Amy Fisher]

What do you mean?

[Aubrey Piper]

Your other son in law was kind enough to come forward.

[Amy Fisher]

Do you. Do you mean my husband?

[Aubrey Piper]

That's the gentleman, Clara. Mr. Francis X. Highland. Lady. Lady.

[Amy Fisher]

Aubrey, don't you think you'd better go to bed?

[Aubrey Piper]

In a minute, I'm thinking. Amy.

[Amy Fisher]

Is your head hurting you?

[Aubrey Piper]

I'm not thinking that hard. Besides, it's just a couple of little scratches.

[Amy Fisher]

Aubrey, what do you think they'll do to you down there Tuesday?

[Aubrey Piper]

I don't worry about that, sweetie.

[Amy Fisher]

Oh, but they're getting awfully. What if that traffic cop is hurt bad?

[Aubrey Piper]

Oh, it'll only be a fine for reckless driving. Even if they could prove it was reckless driving and I can prove it was the officer's fault. So they'll be very likely apologizing to me around there Tuesday morning instead of fining me.

[Amy Fisher]

Oh, I wouldn't care if they only find you, Aubrey, because I could go back to work until it was paid.

[Aubrey Piper]

You'll never go back to work, kid, while I'm on the boat.

[Amy Fisher]

I wouldn't mind it, Aubrey.

[Aubrey Piper]

Not while you're my wife, Amy. I'm the provider around here.

[Amy Fisher]

You don't think they might do anything else to you, do you, Aubrey?

[Aubrey Piper]

Oh, they might try to take away my license.

[Amy Fisher]

You haven't got a license, have you?

[Aubrey Piper]

That's where I fooled him.

[Amy Fisher]

Aubrey. Aubrey. What is it they send them to prison for?

[Aubrey Piper]

Look, Amy, everything's okay. I've got the whole thing worked out in my mind. Right now all I've got to do is pay that little old fine and I'm as free as the air. Why, it's a cinch.

[Amy Fisher]

How much will the fine be?

[Aubrey Piper]

Well, I can't tell. Maybe that thousand bearings.

[Amy Fisher]

Thousand dollars? Where will you get a thousand dollars?

[Aubrey Piper]

Now stop it. Stop it. Honey. Look, I'll have that thousand dollars Monday. It's a breeze.

[Amy Fisher]

A thousand dollars Monday?

[Aubrey Piper]

Sure.

[Amy Fisher]

How?

[Aubrey Piper]

Look, if a fellow was going to sell something for $10, see, and I knew it was worth at least $20, see. Well, if I went to the men who were going to buy it for 10 and I convinced them they ought to pay 20, well, I'd be entitled to a commission now wouldn't I? At least 2%. 2% of the difference. Sign on the dotted line and I got my thousand bucks.

[Amy Fisher]

But Aubrey, that would mean that you'd have to sell something for $100,000.

[Aubrey Piper]

That's the ticket, Amy.

[Amy Fisher]

You mean that somebody's selling something for 50,000 and that you can get 100,000 for it?

[Aubrey Piper]

Amy, it's a cinch.

[Commercial Announcer]

When you're a maintenance engineer in a beverage manufacturing plant, you keep production lines moving and quality on track because there is no room for slowdowns. With Grainger's vast selection of high quality motors, sensors, belts and hard to find parts, you can get what you need fast and all in one place. So nothing gets in the way of getting the job done. Call 1-800-GRAINGER Click grainger.com or just stop by Grainger for the ones who get it done.

[Safeway/Albertsons Announcer]

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[Aubrey Piper]

Well, what do you say, little lady? Mr. Miller, ready to see me yet?

[Amy Fisher]

Let's see now. You're Mr. Piper, aren't you?

[Aubrey Piper]

That's the name, little lady. Just tell him I'm here about Mr. Fisher's invention.

[Amy Fisher]

Oh, I told him that already, Ms. Piper.

[Aubrey Piper]

Oh, thank you, little lady. I don't know what I do without you.

[Amy Fisher]

Oh, you go on.

[Aubrey Piper]

No, you go on, Miss Gray.

[Amy Fisher]

Yes, Mr. Miller.

[Aubrey Piper]

I'll see Mr. Piper now.

[Amy Fisher]

Yes, sir. That door over there, Mr. Piper.

[Aubrey Piper]

Oh, thank you. Thank you. Many brave hearts are asleep in the deep, so be. Good morning, Mr. Miller. Morning.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Come in.

[Aubrey Piper]

Piper's the name. Aubrey Piper.

[Narrator/Announcer]

How do you do? Sit down.

[Aubrey Piper]

Thank you. Mr. Miller, I've come to see you about the rust. Preventative.

[Narrator/Announcer]

So I hear.

[Aubrey Piper]

Well, where's Mr. Fisher? He was going to be here at 11 to sign the papers, so I came at 10. The signing of the papers can wait, I think. Oh. Are you an interested party in this deal, Mr. Piper? Well, slightly, yes. I'm. I'm Mr. Fisher's business advisor. Oh, I see.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Well, he's a fortunate young man.

[Aubrey Piper]

Oh, very fortunate. And that's what I like to see, Mr. Miller. A young man getting someplace, pulling himself up by the seat of his pants. Yes, Mr. Miller. It's the American inventive genius that's put this country where it is today. And I'm here to state that every right thinking citizen has the duty, no, sir. The privilege of doing everything in their power to help the growing boy along. Am I right or wrong? Shake it up, brother. Shake it up. Just a moment, please. Now, now, let's not beat around the bush. I'm a man of a few words, Mr. Miller, and I can see that you are, too. Now, what I like to do is come straight to the point. Sign on the dotted line, wrap it up and take it away. Now, you know what this boy has done. Just one little idea, you say. One simple operation. That's true, Mr. Miller, but we can't pass it off like that. Oh, no. Now, you're a businessman, Mr. Miller. Your time is valuable and so is mine. So let's settle right down. Now, here. Just what are you talking about? Mr. Fisher's invention. What else? Well, you're a little late.

[Narrator/Announcer]

We went all over this with Mr. Fisher last week. We're giving him $50,000 for it this morning.

[Aubrey Piper]

Now you've hit it, Mr. Miller, right on the old button. $50,000. A paltry, measly, contemptible. Shame on you, Mr. Miller. What's that? Think of it. Put yourself in this boy's place.

[Narrator/Announcer]

$50,000 is a very fair price.

[Aubrey Piper]

Not for genius, Mr. Miller. Genius is priceless, and I'm here to stay.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Wait.

[Aubrey Piper]

Wait, please.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Am I to understand that you'd like

[Aubrey Piper]

to call this deal off now? Now, Mr. Miller, don't you jump to conclusions. We want you to have this invention, but at a fair price. All right, Mr. Piper, let's have your proposition. Thank you, Mr. Miller. In the first place, we want $100,000 on the line as an advance. Oh, really? A check will do, but cash won't hurt. Number two, the Miller Grant Company will have to sell it at their own expense.

[Narrator/Announcer]

I see.

[Aubrey Piper]

And number three, we want one half the net on every gallon sold as a royalty. There you are, Mr. Miller. That's our proposition. And a fairer one you couldn't find. Am I right or wrong? Shake it up, brother. Shake it up.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Mr. Piper, I'm afraid you're wrong.

[Aubrey Piper]

Yeah, Huh? I said you're wrong. Now listen here. I'll do the talking. Now who do you think you are walking in here trying to bulldoze me out of $50,000?

[Narrator/Announcer]

We made a fair price and we were ready to stand by it.

[Aubrey Piper]

But I don't like the way you

[Narrator/Announcer]

do business, Mr. Piper.

[Aubrey Piper]

And you can go back and tell

[Narrator/Announcer]

Mr. Fisher that he can thank you for this deal falling through.

[Aubrey Piper]

Now. What was that? The deal is off. We won't give you a lead nickel. No, no, wait.

[Narrator/Announcer]

I'm sorry, Mr. Piper. Good morning.

[Aubrey Piper]

But. But you can't do this.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Oh, yes I can. There were no papers signed and there won't be any papers signed. Now get out.

[Aubrey Piper]

Mr. Miller, you're making a terrible mistake. Will you please get out? Now let's be reasonable, huh? We'll come down a little bit. Make it 75,000. I told you I wouldn't make it 60.

[Narrator/Announcer]

No.

[Aubrey Piper]

55. No. 53. No. 52.

[Amy Fisher]

No.

[Aubrey Piper]

51.

[Amy Fisher]

No.

[Aubrey Piper]

You're a hard man, Mr. Miller. And just for that, we won't sell it to you at all. We'll take our product elsewhere and you'll regret this to the end of your days. Just remember, whenever you hear the Fisher Piper process that you could have been in on the ground floor and you missed your chance. Good morning, sir. This is one of my bad days.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Now the curtain rises on the third act of the show off starring the great Gilder Sleeve, Yuna Merkel and Beulah Bondi. It's the morning of Aubrey's trial. In the corridor just off the courtroom, the luckless show off stands, cracking his knuckles with nervousness. For the first time in his life, Aubrey is scared. With him is his benefactor, a sad faced, sad eyed man, his brother in law, Frank Hyland. Take it easy, Aubrey.

[Amy Fisher]

Don't try to tell the judge's business

[Narrator/Announcer]

if he finds you. Just keep your mouth shut.

[Amy Fisher]

I'll take care of whatever it costs.

[Aubrey Piper]

Gee, Frank, certainly a swell of you to stick by me like this.

[Amy Fisher]

Oh, it's all right.

[Aubrey Piper]

If I can ever do anything for you, just dip me off.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Yeah, things certainly been going awful lately.

[Amy Fisher]

Did you hear about Joe?

[Aubrey Piper]

Joe? No. What's the matter with Joe?

[Narrator/Announcer]

He had a deal all set for

[Amy Fisher]

50,000 for his invention.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Went down there yesterday and they wouldn't even see him.

[Aubrey Piper]

Well, how do you know? No explanation or anything?

[Narrator/Announcer]

No.

[Aubrey Piper]

Well, just goes to show you, you can't trust those fellows as far as you can throw them.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Yeah.

[Amy Fisher]

Wish I knew what gummed it up.

[Aubrey Piper]

So do I. Aubrey. Oh, hello, Amy. Glad you got here, kid.

[Amy Fisher]

Hello, Frank. Hello. Well, I'll see you later.

[Narrator/Announcer]

I gotta get some coffee.

[Aubrey Piper]

No refills, Frank. See you in court. Get that Amex gold cart ready. I'm way too tired to cook tonight.

[Amy Fisher]

You read my mind. With the gold cart, we can get up to $120 a year in statement credits. Are you feeling the Cheesecake Factory? Five guys. Either of those sound good?

[Aubrey Piper]

Yes.

[Commercial Announcer]

Which one? Both pay with the gold card to

[Amy Fisher]

receive up to $10 a month in statement credits of participating partners. Uncover more ways to reward [e-mail] Explore Gold enrollment required terms apply.

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Amy Fisher]

well, honey, Aubry, are you nervous?

[Aubrey Piper]

Nervous? Who, me? Yeah.

[Amy Fisher]

Oh, Aubrey, don't worry. It'll come out all right.

[Aubrey Piper]

It's not only the trial, Amy. That isn't so much. I got something else on my mind. Amy, I've just discovered I'm a terrible heel, Aubrey. That's right. It's an awful blow to me after all these years.

[Amy Fisher]

What are you talking about?

[Aubrey Piper]

Amy, listen. Remember. Remember that deal I was going to swing? That hundred thousand dollar thing?

[Amy Fisher]

Yes.

[Aubrey Piper]

It didn't go through.

[Amy Fisher]

Oh, that's all right.

[Aubrey Piper]

I hope Joe feels like that.

[Amy Fisher]

Joe?

[Aubrey Piper]

Yeah, it was his deal, the invention. I crabbed it for him.

[Amy Fisher]

Oh, Aubrey.

[Aubrey Piper]

All right, go ahead, give it to me. I deserve anything I can get.

[Amy Fisher]

But how did it happen? How? It was all settled.

[Aubrey Piper]

Well, yes, but I went there to talk for Joe.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Oh,

[Aubrey Piper]

I. I thought I could bluff him into it, Amy. And instead of that, they bluffed me out. I was only trying to do a good turn, that's all.

[Amy Fisher]

I guess you can't help it, Aubrey. Guess it's just the way you're built or something.

[Aubrey Piper]

Oh, honey, from now on, it's gonna be different. I'm gonna be a brand new heel. A man. You wait and see.

[Amy Fisher]

Oh, what are you gonna tell Joe?

[Aubrey Piper]

Joe? Oh, you think I ought to tell him, huh?

[Amy Fisher]

You've got to tell him. You've got to take your medicine, Aubrey.

[Aubrey Piper]

All right, I'll face him. I'll face him like a man. Joe. I'll say, Joe, my boy, I'd rather face my draft board.

[Amy Fisher]

Well, when the trial's over, we'll go up to the house. Both of us.

[Aubrey Piper]

Okay, Amy.

[Amy Fisher]

Of course, that's just assuming that they'll let you out after the trial.

[Aubrey Piper]

Aubrey Piper. Yes. Here I am. Who wants me, mister? The State of Pennsylvania.

[Amy Fisher]

Get in here.

[Aubrey Piper]

Oh, brother.

[Amy Fisher]

Here it is. Look, Clara, it's in the papers already about Aubrey. You'd know it was about Aubrey if they didn't even mention his name. Oh. What's it say? Mad motorist find $1,000. That's him, all right. I suppose Frank had to pay it, too. Aubrey Piper of 903 Lehigh Avenue was arraigned today before Magistrate Lister to answer to the charges of reckless driving, injuring a traffic officer and operating an automobile without a license. Magistrate Lister heard a plea of leniency and fined the defendant $1,000. Look. Look, there's his picture. Aubrey's picture. Carnation and all. I'd like to get my hands on that fool. I'd tell him a thing or two. Disgrace in the whole family. Well, here's your chance.

[Aubrey Piper]

Oh, hi, Clarabelle.

[Amy Fisher]

Come on in. Hello, Amy. Hello.

[Aubrey Piper]

Well, it's all over. Said and done. Sign on the dotted line. Greetings, Mother Fisher. You're looking very beautiful this afternoon. Pretty as a gangster's model. Yes, sir.

[Amy Fisher]

Shut up.

[Aubrey Piper]

What's the matter, Mother?

[Amy Fisher]

What'd they do to him, Amy? Oh, nothing much.

[Aubrey Piper]

I'll tell you what they tried to do.

[Amy Fisher]

You keep quiet. Nobody wants to hear what you've got to say about it at all.

[Aubrey Piper]

Well, I told them down there what I had to say about it, whether they wanted to hear it or not. I told them plenty.

[Amy Fisher]

And then they fined you, didn't they?

[Aubrey Piper]

A little, yes.

[Amy Fisher]

They fined you $1,000. It's all right here in the paper. Mad motorist fined $1,000.

[Aubrey Piper]

Is that what they called me? Why, I'll sue them. Let me see that. Not a bad picture, is it?

[Amy Fisher]

Oh, give me that paper. What do you want to do, put it in your scrapbook? Oh, Mama, let's not fight about it. We're in trouble enough right now. Let's forget it. Oh, sure, forget it. Is Joe here? No, he ain't. Well, Aubrey wants to see him about something. When he comes, then we're going home. I'll go make a cup of tea.

[Aubrey Piper]

Nothing for me, Amy. I couldn't eat a thing.

[Amy Fisher]

Who asked you to?

[Aubrey Piper]

All right, Mother. All right.

[Amy Fisher]

Is that you, Paul?

[Aubrey Piper]

It's me, Mom.

[Amy Fisher]

Oh, come in. You've got company.

[Aubrey Piper]

Who is it?

[Narrator/Announcer]

Oh, hello, Aubrey.

[Aubrey Piper]

Oh, hi, Joe. How'd you make out today, Aubrey? Well, I'll tell you.

[Amy Fisher]

They find him, he's lucky he isn't in the hooscaw right now.

[Aubrey Piper]

Oh, that's too bad. Joe, listen, I gotta speak to you about something. Not now, Aubrey.

[Narrator/Announcer]

I'm pretty busy.

[Aubrey Piper]

Yeah, but it's very important, Joe.

[Amy Fisher]

What could you have to say that's important? You know who he is, don't you, Joe? He's the mad motorist.

[Aubrey Piper]

You cut it out, Mother. What is it, Mom?

[Amy Fisher]

Right here in the paper. Look, I never thought I'd live to see a thing like this happen.

[Aubrey Piper]

You know, there's something else in tonight's paper, Mom.

[Amy Fisher]

What?

[Aubrey Piper]

Just cast your eyes on this right here.

[Amy Fisher]

Well, what is it?

[Aubrey Piper]

Philadelphia Youth makes important chemical discovery. Mr. Joseph Fisher of North Philadelphia perfects rust preventative solution. How do y' all like that?

[Amy Fisher]

Joe, did they buy that thing from you?

[Aubrey Piper]

$100,000, mother. They signed for it this afternoon in the lawyer's office.

[Amy Fisher]

What? Joe. Oh, Joe, that's wonderful. Oh, I'll go tell Amy.

[Aubrey Piper]

Wait a minute, wait a minute. What is all this? Here, read it, Joe.

[Amy Fisher]

I can't believe it.

[Aubrey Piper]

Let me see that thing. They sent for me to come over there this afternoon about 2 o', clock, and they had their contracts all Drawn up and everything.

[Amy Fisher]

What did you say? About $100,000, Joe?

[Aubrey Piper]

That's what they paid for it this afternoon on account. Then they had to market it for me from their laboratories and give me half the net.

[Amy Fisher]

What's the net?

[Aubrey Piper]

Whatever's left after all expenses are paid.

[Amy Fisher]

Did they give you any of the money, Joe? $100,000?

[Commercial Announcer]

Sure.

[Amy Fisher]

Not in.

[Aubrey Piper]

Oh, not in dollar bills, no. They gave me a check for it. Well, Aubrey, what do you say? Not bad, not bad. I guess we put it over, eh, Jose? Oh, what do you mean, we?

[Amy Fisher]

Yes, what do you mean, we? Who cut you in on this?

[Aubrey Piper]

Now, now, Mother, you never know.

[Amy Fisher]

Oh, shut up.

[Aubrey Piper]

You know, it was a funny thing, Mom. When I first talked to the Miller Grant people, I was only to get $50,000 advance.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Then they called it all off.

[Aubrey Piper]

But today they sent for me and said, okay, you win, 100,000. And they're getting away with manslaughter at that.

[Amy Fisher]

Keep still, you. You don't know anything about this at all.

[Aubrey Piper]

I made them think I knew something about it.

[Amy Fisher]

You made who think?

[Aubrey Piper]

The Miller Grant people. What are you talking about, Aubrey?

[Narrator/Announcer]

Do you know?

[Aubrey Piper]

Certainly I know what I'm talking about. I went to see those people yesterday. And what did you do up there? I told them they'd have to double the advance if they wanted to do business with us.

[Amy Fisher]

And what business was it of yours?

[Aubrey Piper]

Well, I'm Joe's relative, ain't I?

[Amy Fisher]

Who told you you were?

[Aubrey Piper]

Well, he's got to have somebody tend to his business, doesn't he? Mother, he's only a lad.

[Amy Fisher]

He doesn't need you to tend to his business for him. He tended to his business long before he ever saw you.

[Aubrey Piper]

He never landed $100,000, though, Mother, till he saw me, did he? Well, what did you say to them, Aubrey? Well, Joe, I simply told them I was acting in the capacity of business advisor to you. And that if this discovery of yours was as important as you led me to believe it was, they were simply taking advantage of your youth by offering you $50,000 for it. And that I refused to allow you to negotiate further unless they doubled the advance, sold it at their expense and gave us one half the net. Sign on the dotted line. Holy smokes.

[Amy Fisher]

I don't believe it.

[Aubrey Piper]

Well, I. I certainly have to give you credit, Aubrey. That's the way the contract reads. I told it to him, all right. Right from the shoulder. Yes, sir. Well, I'll. I'll have to give you a little present of some kind out of this, Aubrey. You'll not give me any present, Jose. Give it to your family. They'll need it more than I will.

[Amy Fisher]

Joe. Joe, is it true what Clara said?

[Narrator/Announcer]

Sure it is.

[Aubrey Piper]

Here's the papers.

[Amy Fisher]

Oh, Joe.

[Aubrey Piper]

But Aubrey gets half the credit. He swung the deal for double the money.

[Amy Fisher]

Aubrey. Oh, Aubrey, it's wonderful. Darling, you're wonderful. Everything wonderful.

[Aubrey Piper]

Nothing at all, Amy. Nothing at all.

[Amy Fisher]

Do you want some tea, Aubrey?

[Aubrey Piper]

A tea? Yes, I might, Clara.

[Amy Fisher]

And a sandwich. I'll fix you something, Aubrey.

[Aubrey Piper]

Sure. Anything he wants. Hey, Aubrey. Well, thanks, folks. Can I help, Amy?

[Amy Fisher]

No, no. You just sit down there, Aubrey, and rest.

[Aubrey Piper]

Rest. Thank you. Oh, Amy, that newspaper there. Just hand me the financial page, will you?

[Amy Fisher]

Heaven help me. From now on.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Ladies and gentlemen, next Sunday is the beginning of Boy Scout Week. This year marks the 33rd birthday scouting in this nation, a third of a century of service. Every Boy Scout is working for his country now, helping to win the war. And tonight, we join millions of other Americans in saluting their great work. Our sponsors, the makers of Luxe Toilet Soap, join me in inviting you to be with us again next Monday night when the Lux Radio Theater presents Edward G. Robinson, Gail Patrick and Laird Krieger in the Maltese Falcon. This is Cecil B. DeMille saying good night to you from Hollywood. The great gilder sleeve appeared tonight through the courtesy of of the Kraft Cheese Company. Beulah Bondi will soon be seen in the Warner Brothers picture Watch on the Rhine, starring Bette Davis Heard in tonight's play were Paula Winslow as Clara, Jeff Corey as Joe and Eddie Marr, Norman Field, Leo Cleary, Charles Kane, Arthur Q. Bryan, Ken Christie, Sharon Douglas and Fred Mackay. Our music was directed by Louis Silbert. And this is your announcer, John M. Kennedy, reminding you to tune in next Monday night to hear Edward G. Robinson, Gail Patrick and Laird Kriegar in the Maltese Falcon.

[Jake Stauch]

I'm Jake Stauch, co founder and CEO of Serval. We built Serval to automate the IT work that slows companies down. Onboarding password resets, access to applications. My laptop stopped working. While employees wait for help, their real work is put on hold. IT desperately wants to automate this work. And that's why they need Servil. You just tell Cerval what you want to automate in plain English, and it's built. No drag and drop workflows, no expensive consultants. Employees get unblocked and IT teams go from drowning in tickets to building what actually matters. With Cervel, it becomes the AI engine powering the entire company. This is a new way to run it. We guarantee you'll automate 50% of all tickets and we'll prove it to you in a free four week pilot. Go to serval.comtickets that's S E R V A L.com tickets.

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Amy Fisher]

Download the app today.