It Pays To Be Ignorant - What is a Reigning Beauty

Summary

Podcast Summary – "It Pays To Be Ignorant: What is a Reigning Beauty"

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Date: May 12, 2026
Host: Tom Howard
Panelists: Harry McNaughton, Lula McConnell, George Shelton
Episode Theme: A raucous, comedic quiz show from the Golden Age of Radio, lampooning classic quiz programs with witty banter, puns, and offbeat answers, alongside some light musical humor and era-specific advertising.

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Main Theme of the Episode

This episode of "It Pays to Be Ignorant" centers around its signature brand of satirical humor, with a panel of self-proclaimed "experts" answering listener-submitted questions as incorrectly and absurdly as possible. The show revels in its zany, rapid-fire exchanges and slapstick dialogue, parodying both sophistication and ignorance with equal delight. The segment on "What is a reigning beauty?" and quips about charm and beauty standards are stand-out moments, with the hosting cast turning every query into an opportunity for laughs.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Panel Introductions and Comedic Roasts

[00:31]–[02:23]

• Tom Howard introduces panelists with playful jabs:
  • Harry McNaughton: "The celebrated author, just written a book entitled 'how to kiss a girl without removing your cigar or hot lips I have known.'"
    • McNaughton responds with a comic poem about a man with "seven wives," satirically pondering, "I wonder what a man wants with so many cats."
  • Lula McConnell: "The belle of the brawl...so wide she could only walk down One Way street."
  • George Shelton: "So lazy he rolls under the dresser every morning and waits for the collar button to find him."

2. The Questions Begin

Tea Leaves

[02:23]–[06:37]

• The first question: "What beverage do we get from tea leaves?"
  • Panel sidetracks with stories and wordplay:
    • Ms. McConnell: Claims to have her fortune told by tea leaves.
      • "She said I was going to meet a tall, dark, handsome man and he was going to take me in his arms and kiss me."
      • Tom deadpans: "Ms. McConnell, that will never happen."
      • Lula: "I know, but think of it."
  • Multiple jokes about milk, "contented cows," and who among them drinks what.
  • Correct answer finally given: "Tea." – [06:29]

Musical Interlude/Jokes about Songs

[07:59]–[12:32]

• Corn Cobblers "play" a song – panel puns about music and voices.
  • Howard sings "Sunday, Monday or Always," queries which days are mentioned.
    • Lula McConnell: "Oh, was that singing?" (09:41)
    • McNaughton: Dismisses "always" as a day of the week.
  • Lula McConnell swoons for Frank Sinatra: "When I hear him sing, my goose pimples get goose pimples." (10:40)
  • Group jokes about Irish songs: "Kelly Fornia Here I come, Kelly in Technicolor."
  • Recurring banter about each other’s intelligence and singing ability.

3. Audience Participation Segment – Onstage Contestants

Joseph Crist, Machinist Mate

[15:39]–[20:09]

• Contestant background: Joseph Crist from Bloomfield, Connecticut, former construction worker.
• Question posed: "What kind of seafood do they make fish cakes out of?"
  • Panel takes the question in circles:
    • Ms. McConnell: "I've been fishing all my life and I have yet to catch a fish cake."
    • Jokes about cooking sponge cake by "sponging" ingredients from neighbors.
    • Tom: "I must say you have the lowest IQ I ever saw."
  • Correct answer provided: "Codfish."
    • Prize: $20 from Peel's Beer.

Mary Vale, WAC (Women’s Army Corps)

[21:46]–[24:56]

• Contestant background: Private First Class from Detroit, Michigan.
• Question: "What precious stone do we see in a pearl necklace?"
  • Panel's answers spiral through puns and miscommunications:
    • Confuses "lavalier," "chandelier," "chevonier," "auctioneer," "gondolier," and "engineer."
    • Laughter at ridiculous leaps of logic.
  • Correct answer (implied): "Pearl."
    • Prize: $20.

4. Crackpot Question & The "Reigning Beauty" Segment

[25:06]–[27:05]

• Ms. McConnell is mock-interviewed about her "beauty secrets":
  • "If he has any beauty, it sure is a secret." (Tom Howard, 25:37)
  • Ms. McConnell: "I would say a soft, well-cultured voice. Like mine." (25:41)
  • Tom: "Yes, if you intend to take up tongue calling for a career, Ms. McConnell." (25:57)
• Extended gag plugging Peel’s Beer attributes as "her secret" to charm and happiness.

Final Audience "Crackpot" Question

[27:12]–[28:05]

• "What president fought in the Spanish American War? Roosevelt Boulevard in Philadelphia is named after him. His first name is Teddy. What's his name?"
  • Ms. McConnell answer: "Teddy Bear."
  • Actual answer: "Theodore Roosevelt."
  • Prize money awarded regardless.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Tom Howard (to Ms. McConnell): "If you ever find a place where they give brain transfusions, be sure and get one." (02:41)

• Ms. McConnell: "I drink milk from contented cows." (06:03)

• On Frank Sinatra:
  Ms. McConnell: "When I hear him sing, my goose pimples get goose pimples." (10:40)
  Tom Howard: "Ms. McConnell, you're old enough to be Frank Sinatra's grandmother." (10:46) Ms. McConnell: "Well, tell him to come up and see Grandma sometime." (10:51)

• Banter about knowledge:
  Tom: "You can't get any better here." (05:52)
  Tom: "I must say you have the lowest IQ I ever saw." (19:32)
  Ms. McConnell: "Brains are loose too." (19:37)

• Beauty Secret spoof interview:
  Interviewer: "Ms. McConnell, what would you say was the first requisite of charm?"
  McConnell: "I would say a soft, well-cultured voice. Like mine." (25:41) Tom Howard: "Yes, if you intend to take up tongue calling for a career, Ms. McConnell." (25:57)

• "Crackpot" misfires:
  Q: "What president... his first name was Teddy. What's his name?"
  Ms. McConnell: "Teddy Bear." (27:12)

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Important Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment / Question / Moment | |-----------|------------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:31 | Tom Howard opens satirical introduction of panelists | | 02:23 | Ms. McConnell’s joke about California and two blankets | | 06:29 | ANSWER: "Tea" for "What beverage do we get from tea leaves?" | | 09:41 | "Oh, was that singing?"—music-based joke | | 10:40 | Ms. McConnell on Frank Sinatra and her "goose pimples" | | 15:39 | Audience participation begins: Joseph Crist | | 19:50 | ANSWER: "Codfish" for fish cakes | | 21:46 | Contestant Mary Vale, Detroit, begins | | 24:23 | ANSWER: "Pearl" for pearl necklace question (implied) | | 25:41 | Ms. McConnell’s beauty secret: "A soft, well-cultured voice." | | 27:12 | "Crackpot Question": "Teddy Bear" (answer: Teddy Roosevelt) |

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Tone and Language

Throughout, the panel maintains a jovial, madcap tone, riddled with puns, deliberate misunderstandings, wordplay, and self-deprecating asides. The humor is broad, occasionally barbed, but warm and never mean-spirited, characteristic of its era and heritage as a radio comedy staple.

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For New Listeners

This episode is a classic example of Golden Age radio’s irreverent approach to the quiz format, making it less about knowledge and more about quick wit, personality clashes, and laughs. The panel’s intentionally silly answers, mock insults, and ad-libs keep the pacing brisk. Not much is learned, but plenty is enjoyed—"It Pays to Be Ignorant" delivers on its promise!

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Transcript

[Liberty Mutual Announcer]

Liberty Mutual customizes your car and home insurance. And now we're customizing this rush hour ad to keep you calm, which could help your driving. And science says therapy is great for a healthy mindset. So enjoy this 14 second session on us. I think you've done everything right and absolutely nothing wrong. In fact, anything that hasn't gone your way could probably be blamed on your father not being emotionally available because his father wasn't emotionally available, and so on. And now that you're calm and healing, you're probably driving better, too.

[Mr. Elliott]

Liberty. Liberty.

[Tom Howard]

Liberty.

[Mr. Elliott]

Liberty.

[Tom Howard]

Dig down deep now, America. The deeper you dig now, the deeper the hole you put Hitler in. Back the attack. Buy war bonds till it hurts and then some. What is a raining beauty? A girl who's all wet. Correct. Pay that man $8. If four frankfurters cost 10 cents, what is 500? Correct. Pay that $9 because it pays to be. IGN. Once again, Peel's brewers of New York's own extra premium beer, bring you their special educational feature in Pays to Be Ignorant, presided over by that famous scholar, historian and Cracker Jack prize collector, member of the team of Howard and Shelton, Tom Howard. Thank you. Thank you, Bruce Hunting. And good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Well, here we are with that daffy quiz program again with a board of experts who are such bores they make termites look like amateurs. Because I'm too lazy to work, I have to introduce them to you. First we have the celebrated author, Mr. Harry McNaughton, who has just written a book entitled how to kiss a girl without removing your cigar or hot lips. I have known. Here he is, Mr. Harry MacNaughton. Thank you, Mr. Howard. I have a poem. As I was going to St. Ives, I met a man with seven wives. Each wife had seven cats, each cat had seven kids. Okay. I wonder what a man wants with so many cats. All right, all right. Imagine having to put all those cats out every night. Yeah, that's quite a job. But let's forget about it. Don't Worry about it, Ms. McNaughton. Next we have a woman who was known in her younger days as the belle of the brawl. A woman. A woman so wide. A woman so wide she could only walk down One Way street. Here she is, Ms. Lula McConnell.

[Ms. McConnell]

You know, Mr. Howard, I never realized until the other day how few people live in California.

[Tom Howard]

What makes you think there are so few people living in California?

[Ms. McConnell]

Well, my cousin Gertie's out there and I just got a letter from her and she says it's so cold out There Everybody sleeps under two blankets. You know, you can't get many people under two blankets.

[Tom Howard]

No, no. Ms. McConnell, if you ever find a place where they give brain transfusions, be sure and get one. Next we have a man who was so lazy he rolls under the dresser every morning and waits for the collar button to find him. A man who only works because he is too nervous to steal. Here he is, Mr. George Shelton. You know, Mr. Hart, I had a tooth pulled out today. See this one here? Right here. All right. Where? That one there. Can you see? I don't see it. Of course you can't see it. I had it pulled out all right.

[Ms. McConnell]

Well, no wonder I can't see it. Did you take gas?

[Tom Howard]

I should say not. I'm allergic to gas. Makes me dopey. Makes you dopey? You must have taken an overdose when you were a baby, Mr. Sheldon. Now we come to the most amusing part of these introductions. The part where I tell you we have music on the program. Then in the same breath I call your attention to the corn cobblers. Here they are. Thank you. Now. Now that we have all the cows in the barn, we'll get right on with the program. The first question tonight comes from a Ms. Davies of Bellrose, Long Island. Her question is, what beverage do we get from tea leaves? Did you get that, Mr. McGarten? McCarten, I say, did you get it? Was I supposed to get it? What do you mean, were you supposed to get it? Well, when you said what beverage did we get from tea leaves? I thought you were speaking to all of us. I mean, did you get the question? No, I'm sorry, I didn't hear the question. You didn't hear the. You just repeated it. I did. Wasn't that clever of me? Yeah, it was. Yes, very clever. Reminds me of the time I went fishing. What's fishing got to do with it? There I was out in the ocean. Always was a beautiful day. So there in the distance of the cool green water was a loan shark. You know, those guys were folly. Any place.

[Ms. McConnell]

Did he have the sheriff with him?

[Tom Howard]

No, no, this was a man eating shark. I guess that's what happened to the sheriff. That's what happened to the sheriff. All right, listen, you three civilian secrets. We have a question here. What beverage do we get from tea leaves?

[Ms. McConnell]

I had my fortune sold by tea leaves, Mr. Howard.

[Tom Howard]

By tea leaves? Uh huh.

[Ms. McConnell]

And you know what she told me?

[Tom Howard]

No.

[Ms. McConnell]

She said I was going to meet a tall, dark, handsome man and he was going to take me in his arms. And kiss me.

[Tom Howard]

Yes.

[Ms. McConnell]

Think of it.

[Tom Howard]

Yeah. Ms. McConnell, that will never happen.

[Ms. McConnell]

I know, but think of it.

[Tom Howard]

Thank God. Will you ever kiss Ms. McConnell?

[Ms. McConnell]

Oh, sure. Sadie Wright's little boy kissed me the other day.

[Tom Howard]

Yeah? He's probably teething and he has to buy something. Ms. McDonald.

[Ms. McConnell]

Oh, yeah. Well, listen, bonehead, I just wish I was your wife. I'd make you miserable for the rest of your life.

[Tom Howard]

Ms. McConnell, if you were my wife, I wouldn't want to live the rest of my life.

[Ms. McConnell]

You better look out what you say about me, or I'll bring my old man up here and beat you over the head with him.

[Mr. Elliott]

No.

[Tom Howard]

Beat you? No. The question is and was and always will be, what beverage do we get from tea leaves? Mr. Sheldon, do you drink tea? No, I never drink anything stronger than pop. I see. And pop will drink any. You don't get any better here.

[Mr. Elliott]

My words.

[Tom Howard]

I say, you. You people are making me thirsty. All right. Well, drink a glass of milk, Mr. McNaughton. It's good for your blood. Oh, I'm not blood thirsty. You're not blood thirsty?

[Ms. McConnell]

I drink milk, Mr. Howard. I drink milk from contented cows.

[Tom Howard]

Isn't it easier to drink it from a glass? Mind you, look at a cow out there. Say milk can't be much good when the cows give it away. Look, look, Mr. Honey, suppose we send Ms. Davies $10.51 for a question with

[Mr. Elliott]

love and kisses from Fields, dear Ms. Howard.

[Tom Howard]

Yes, you can say that also, Mr. Elliot, the question, the answer to it is, we get from tea leaves.

[Mr. Elliott]

Tea.

[Tom Howard]

Thank you. And now here is the next question.

[Mr. Elliott]

Mr. Howard, did you know that right here in New York there's a theater that puts on plays that have been pleasing people for thousands of years?

[Tom Howard]

Sure. Chinese Theater right over next to the Manhattan Bridge. Mr. Sheldon, how did you know there was a Chinese Theater next to the Manhattan Bridge? I used to go there to peek in. You used to go there to peek in? That's very good, you know. Yeah, I know. Peek skill. Yeah, that's a different place. Different place.

[Mr. Elliott]

Okay. Yes, but you didn't get what I was going to say, Mr. Howard. What I was going to say was that while Peale's beer hasn't been keeping people happy for thousands of years, it's been keeping them excellent happy for over 60 years. And that goes double today. You see, back in 1883, peels made the pledge to produce not the most beer, but the best beer to keep the quality up. Sticking to this pledge is a chief reason why peels has become known as New York's own Extra Premium Beer. And with that name to live up to, you can be sure Peels is more than ever determined to keep the quality up today. Gas. In spite of wartime conditions. Of course, war restrictions may leave your food store or tavern short of Peel's on occasion, but only on rare occasions. So always ask for Peel's beer by name. Then you're sure of getting beer that's extra premium for velvety smoothness and crisp, clean flavor. Have some Peels tonight, the beer that pays you extra premiums in pleasure.

[Tom Howard]

Thank you, Mr. Elliott. That was very well put. The next question, folks, is a musical question. It was sent in by a Mr. Minick of New York City. The Corn Cobblers will play a chorus of a very popular song. Mr. Minick wants you to tell them the days in the week that are mentioned in this song. To help you with the question, I will sing the song you're going to sing. Play Corn Cobblers. Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Howard, but we ain't got no music. Oh, well, that's all right. Just pretend you got the music that will satisfy me. Just pretend you sang it. That'll satisfy everybody. All right. Will you give me a corn. A cord. Corn cobbler, give him a rope. Okay. Won't you tell me when we will meet again? Sunday, Monday, always if you're satisfied. I say, that's a very pretty song, isn't it?

[Mr. Elliott]

I wonder how it would sound if

[Tom Howard]

someone was to sing it. That reminds me, I gotta have my valves ground this week. The world go round. You know, he has a lot of. He has a lot of timber in his voice, hasn't he? Sounds like splinters in his throat, too.

[Ms. McConnell]

Is he a pretending Andy Divine?

[Tom Howard]

Well, if he is, there's nothing divine about it. Monday and always. Mr. Howard, you dropped your teeth. Is that what it was? Never mind. Now, what two days in the week did I mention in that song?

[Ms. McConnell]

What song?

[Tom Howard]

What what song? The song I just finished singing.

[Ms. McConnell]

Oh, was that singing?

[Tom Howard]

Well, what did it sound like?

[Ms. McConnell]

Oh, it sound like hooping. Cough. Set your music hooping.

[Tom Howard]

Now, please. What days were mentioned in the song? Sunday, Monday or Always? Always. I never knew there was a day called always. Hello, Mr. McCarthy. Always is not a day in the week. What is it, a holiday? No, no, no, it's not a holiday. Maybe it's one of those days that February doesn't have. Mr. McNaughton, they say there's a fool born every minute. When you were born, your mother must have increased the birth Rate, I'm trying to find. Listen, haven't any of you ever heard of the song Sunday, Monday or Always? Oh, I have, Mr. Hart. I heard Jim Crosby sing it in Dixie. Oh, you were in Dixie. When'd you get back? I got

[Ms. McConnell]

all these big Crosby's. All right.

[Tom Howard]

Ah, but Frank Sinatra. Ah, he's my D. Frank Sinatra. Oh.

[Ms. McConnell]

Oh, when I hear him sing, my goose pimples get goose pimples.

[Tom Howard]

Ms. McConnell, you're old enough to be Frank Sinatra's grandmother.

[Ms. McConnell]

Well, tell him to come up and see Grandma sometime.

[Tom Howard]

You know, Mr. Howard, I've just written a new song. And I dedicated it to my butcher. Yeah? What's the name of it? I've got plenty of nothing. I got my smell of. You're telling me. You know, I heard a nice Irish song today. Oh, let me see now. What was the name of that? An Irish song?

[Ms. McConnell]

Yeah, but don't you know the name of it?

[Tom Howard]

Let me see. Don't rush me. Started with an Irish name. I know that. Now, what was that? Well, was it. Was it Mike? Mike? Oh, you mean Mike Country Tis of thee. No, that wasn't. It was another Irish name. Wait, I got it. Kelly. There. Started with Kelly.

[Ms. McConnell]

Started with Kelly. Well, what was the name of the song?

[Tom Howard]

Kelly Fornia. Here I come, kelly in Technicolor. Mr. Sheldon, please. Why don't you have your brain recapped? Won't that hurt us? Can I get the resemblance of an answer from you three cylinder heads?

[Ms. McConnell]

Well, maybe if I sang it, it'd help.

[Tom Howard]

Oh, yeah.

[Ms. McConnell]

You know, I'm having my voice cultivated.

[Tom Howard]

You are? You should have it plowed under, Mrs.

[Ms. McConnell]

Yeah? Why, I got a voice like Grace Moore.

[Tom Howard]

You have? Yes. Well, you better give it back to her. You're getting it all cracked. Mr. Howard, you shouldn't say that about Ms. McConnell's voice. Why? Why, she has a tremendous obligato. Yeah, well, why don't you buy a new girdle, Miss? You know, I'm quite a singer myself. I used to sing in Madison Square Garden. Well, wait a minute. What did you ever sing in Madison Square Garden? Peanut candy popcorn. Neal Bear. You can't tell a bottle cap without a program. Get your programs right here. Mr. Elliot, please. It like we just come to a dead end again. Suppose we send Mr. Minick $12.41 for his question.

[Mr. Elliott]

Will the Best Wishes Appeals beer, Ms. Howard?

[Tom Howard]

Oh, yes. Okay, Mr. Wright. With the best wishes of Peel's beer that they mentioned in the song that they's rather our Sunday Monday. I say, don't forget always. All right. And always. And now, for the benefit. For the benefit of our uptown society, the corn cobblers will play Beethoven's fifth symphony. Horsey, keep your tail up. Never mind about the flies. Well, your mane is long and your. Your hair is slick. You really got an awful kick your tail up. Keep the sun out of my eyes. Thank you. Okay, if that was Beethoven's fifth sympathy, he should never have written the other four. Well, folks, that brings us up to the part of the program where we have asked studio audience to take part. We have invited several members of the audience.

[Liberty Mutual Announcer]

Liberty Mutual customizes your car and home insurance. And now we're customizing this rush hour ad to keep you calm, which could help your driving. And science says therapy is great for a healthy mindset. So enjoy this 14 second session on us. I think you've done everything right and absolutely nothing wrong. In fact, anything that hasn't gone your way could probably be blamed on your father not being emotionally available because his father wasn't emotionally available, and so on. And now that you're calm and healing, you're probably driving better, too.

[Mr. Elliott]

Liberty. Liberty.

[Tom Howard]

Liberty. Liberty.

[Sleep Number Announcer]

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[Tom Howard]

Sleep up here in the stage. They can ask the experts a question. If they get an intelligent answer, we give them the entire output of the United States mint for one day. If they don't, and they won't, we just gave them enough to buy a war bond. Who was our first contestant? Mr. Elliot.

[Mr. Elliott]

Mr. Howard, meet Machinist Mate Second Class Joseph Crist.

[Tom Howard]

How do you do? Mr. Criss, we're mighty glad to have you on a program. It's nice to have you with us. Is this your hometown? New York? No. Where are you from? Would you mind telling us? Bloomfield, Connecticut. Bloomfield, Connecticut? What do you know about Bloomfield, Connecticut? My gosh, if that don't bring back memories. What do you mean? I used to work in that town. All right. You used to work in that town? Please. This is getting tiresome. No, no, I'm okay. I was a dentist in a victory garden. You were a dentist in the Victory Garden? Yeah, I used to pull out old roots. Never mind. I had a lot of nerve to pull. All right, we're getting away from our contestants. Would you mind telling us what you did before you went into service, Mr. Chris? Well, I used to work on construction work. Construction work? Shovels, bulldozers, jackhammer. Oh, I see. Building bridges or things like bridges. And dikes and roads. And dikes and roads. Does it ever make you cross? Never. All right, never mind. Do you like being in the service, Mr. Chris? Yes, very much. You enjoying yourself in New York? Oh, I'm enjoying myself immensely. Fine. Met any young ladies here that you thought you'd like? Huh? You don't have to answer that. What? What? What do you intend doing when you leave the service? Construction work? I suppose so. Yeah. Well, that'll be as good as any. Well, you certainly do make a fine looking sailor. I will say. Yeah.

[Ms. McConnell]

Don't he, though?

[Tom Howard]

Yeah, he does. You know, I was a spy in the last war.

[Ms. McConnell]

You were a spy? Well, I wouldn't like that.

[Tom Howard]

Oh, it's a good job if you don't lose your head. If you don't. Well, as I said before, we're glad to have you with us, and it's nice to have you here. And have you got a question for us? Yes. What kind of make a sign. What kind of seafood do they make fish cakes out of? Oh, that's very good. What kind of seafood do they make fish cakes out of? Is that right?

[Ms. McConnell]

That's right.

[Tom Howard]

Did you hear the question? I heard the question, Mr. Howard. You don't have to repeat it. Well, now, that's great. We certainly are getting along great here. We're improving. Mr. McNaughton, you heard the question and perhaps you can tell me the answer. Well, I say, Mr. Howard, isn't that expecting too much? After all, you know, there's a limit to everything.

[Ms. McConnell]

What was the question, Mr. Howard?

[Tom Howard]

What kind of seafood do we make fish cakes from? Fish cake. Do fish eat cakes? Fish eat cake. No, fish cakes. I'm talking about fish cakes. Oh, I never heard of fish cakes. And I've been fishing all my life and I've yet to catch a fish cake. You have yet to catch a fish cake, Mr. Sheldon. I sure do wish I had sore eyes. You would be a sight for them, Ms. McConnell. Do you do any cooking at home?

[Ms. McConnell]

Oh, sonny, today I baked a sponge cake.

[Tom Howard]

A sponge cake?

[Ms. McConnell]

Yep. I sponge the eggs off of Sadie Rice.

[Tom Howard]

Uh huh.

[Ms. McConnell]

I sponge the flour from Mrs. Goodman and I sponge the sugar from Mrs. Haynes.

[Tom Howard]

Yes. Sponge cake.

[Ms. McConnell]

Sponge cake.

[Tom Howard]

Sponge Cake? Oh, yes, that's very tasty. You know, 36.

[Mr. Elliott]

Yeah.

[Tom Howard]

You know, Mr. Howard, I went to a cooking school for two years. You went to cook? Did you graduate? Rather. I graduated with flying crawlers. Flying crawlers?

[Ms. McConnell]

Flying crawlers.

[Tom Howard]

I don't get it. I didn't think you would. You know, I went for lunch today and there was no one home, so I got my own lunch. You got your own lunch? Yeah, I cooked some cold boiled ham. I.

[Ms. McConnell]

You cook some cold boiled ham? Well, how do you cook cold boiled ham?

[Tom Howard]

You just take the ham and boil it in cold water. Ah, it's simple.

[Ms. McConnell]

That's your shot.

[Tom Howard]

Without a doubt. I must say you have the lowest IQ I ever saw. Can I help it if my suspenders are loose?

[Ms. McConnell]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Howard]

Brains are loose, too. The question is, what seafood do we make fish cakes out of? Now, let's get. I tell you what we better do, Mr. Audience. Suppose we pay our guests here for the question. Fish cakes are made from codfish.

[Mr. Elliott]

How much will I pay them, Mr. Howard?

[Tom Howard]

Well, I don't know. Are you going anywhere after the program tonight, Mr. Crisp? Yeah. You are, huh? Do you think $20 would make the evening more interesting? Think it would? You think it would? Okay, pay him $20, Mr. Elliott.

[Mr. Elliott]

Here you are, Joe Crisp. $20 with the compliments of Peel's beer.

[Tom Howard]

Thank you. Thank you a lot. Have a little music from the Corn Cob. Oh, my life and I live all alone In a little old cotton we call our own. She loves beer and I love rum. I'll tell you what, we've lots of fun. You enemy Cuddy in a round jug, how I love thee, you enemy.

[Mr. Elliott]

A little bound jug.

[Tom Howard]

How I love thee. Sam. Next it on here. Who is our next guest? Mr. Elliott.

[Mr. Elliott]

Mr. Howard, this is Mary Vail and she's a wax.

[Tom Howard]

Well, how do you do, Miss Vale? I must say it's very nice to have you with us, Miss Vale. Oh, yes, indeed it is, rather. Yes. Yes. Looks charming, doesn't she, Mr. Howell?

[Ms. McConnell]

Yes, she does.

[Tom Howard]

Very charming. And me with small eyes and no ambition. Yes, and don't forget your flat feet. Is New York your hometown?

[Ms. McConnell]

No, it isn't.

[Tom Howard]

Would you mind telling us where you're from? Detroit, Michigan. Oh, Detroit, Michigan. What do you know about that? Detroit, Michigan. Yeah, yeah. You know, I never worked in that town. You know, Mr. Howard, I played in that town. You played in Detroit? Oh, yes, Ms. Vale. I played in Shakespeare's as you like it with the original cast. Well, Mr. Man with the original cast by Mr. McCort, the original cast has been dead over 300 years. Oh, no wonder I got all the laughs. Do you like the service, Ms. Vale? Yes, I do, very much. I notice you've got a stripe on your arm. What does that signify? On my arm?

[Ms. McConnell]

That's a private first class.

[Tom Howard]

Oh, private first class. I wondered if you were ranked the same as the male portion of the army. Oh, I see. I didn't know that. I'm learning things every day here, Mr. Rich. You know that. Have you a question for us tonight? Yes.

[Ms. McConnell]

What precious stone do we see in a pearl necklace?

[Tom Howard]

Well, now, that. That's very, very good. Pleasure. Did you hear the precious gentlemen? What? What precious stone do we see in a pearl necklace?

[Ms. McConnell]

My old man bought me something nice for my neck.

[Tom Howard]

I see.

[Mr. Elliott]

What was it?

[Tom Howard]

A rope. A rope? No, it was your rope, love.

[Ms. McConnell]

Your lavalier.

[Tom Howard]

A lavalier for your neck? Why, we got one of them things hanging in the middle of our dining room. Mr. Sheldon, for your information, that's a chandelier. Oh, no, no, Mr. Howard. A chandelier is a piece of furniture with drawers in it. You put your ties and your clothes. That's a chevonier.

[Ms. McConnell]

Oh, no. A chevonier is a man who sells things to the highest bidder.

[Tom Howard]

That's an auctioneer. Are you crazy? You don't have to howler at it. I know an auctioneer. An auctioneer is one of those fellows that pushes boats around in the Venice Canal.

[Ms. McConnell]

Wait a minute.

[Tom Howard]

That's a gondolier. Oh, I beg to differ with you, Mr. Howard. A gondolier is a man who runs an engine. That's an engineer, Mr. Mc. That runs an engine.

[Ms. McConnell]

An engineer?

[Tom Howard]

What kind of an engine? What kind? An engine.

[Ms. McConnell]

An engine.

[Tom Howard]

One of those big, clumsy things that shoots off steam. Now, we're back to Ms. McConnell again. We have a question here.

[Ms. McConnell]

Yeah, What?

[Tom Howard]

What was the question? The question is what? What was the question, Ms. Vale?

[Ms. McConnell]

What precious stone do we see in a pearl necklace?

[Tom Howard]

Thank you.

[Ms. McConnell]

That's fine.

[Tom Howard]

What precious stones do we see in the pearl necklace? You know, my girl's birthday is next week. I think I'll buy her a necklace. Oh, great. I was going to buy her one last year, but I didn't want to break a dollar bill. Mr. Sheldon, don't be. Don't be so stingy. I mean, don't you know that for every single thing you give away, two come back to you?

[Ms. McConnell]

That's right. I gave my daughter away last August, and I got her and her husband back in September.

[Tom Howard]

Look, Mr. Elliott, I suppose we pay our charming guest here to $20 for a question. And thank you a lot for helping us out.

[Mr. Elliott]

Here you are, Ms. Vail. $20 and the best of luck from Peel's Beer.

[Tom Howard]

Thank you again, Miss Vail. Well, I. I see, staring me in the face the crackpot question.

[Mr. Elliott]

Oh, Mr. Howard, there's a young lady here to see Ms. McConnell.

[Tom Howard]

Well, that shouldn't be hard. On a clear day you can see Ms. McConnell from Coney Island.

[Ms. McConnell]

Oh, yeah? On a clear day she couldn't see you two feet away with a pair of binoculars. Send her in, Mr. Elliot.

[Tom Howard]

Now wait just a minute here.

[Ms. McConnell]

Good evening, Ms. McConnell. Are you ready to be interviewed?

[Tom Howard]

Interviewed?

[Ms. McConnell]

Yes, Mr. Howard. I'm being interviewed by a famous Dyson magazine. Vague, vague. Tell me, Ms. McConnell, have you any beauty secrets?

[Tom Howard]

If he has any beauty, it sure is a secret of it.

[Ms. McConnell]

You keep all this tall, stark and invisible, Ms. McConnell, what would you say was the first requisite of charm? Well, I. Now let me see. I would say a soft, well, cultured voice. Like mine.

[Tom Howard]

Yes, if you intend to take up tongue calling for a career, Ms. McConnell,

[Ms. McConnell]

if you don't shut up, I'm going to forget that I'm a lady.

[Tom Howard]

Why not? Everyone else has.

[Ms. McConnell]

Ms. McConnell, perhaps you'd care to tell your public to what you owe your happy nature. Well, I'd say I know just what you're going to say. Peel's Extra Premium Beer. Well, as a matter of fact. As a matter of fact, you are going to tell us about the crisp, clean taste of Peel's beer. Well, love. And how that super smoothness makes peeled beer all a thirsty person could ask for. And how for over 60 years Peels has been pledged to keep the quality up. And how Peel still stand by that name. Making beer with the same lip smacking quality today that made Peel famous as New York's own extra Premium beer for over 60 years. I was going to say. You were going to say how you would like everyone to try a glass of Peel tonight and taste that deep down satisfying goodness of Peel. Well, I thought. Thank you so much, Mr. McConnell. That was one of the most interesting interviews I've ever had. I know our readers will enjoy reading all the splendid advice you've just given them. Well, goodbye now. Goodbye.

[Tom Howard]

Goodbye. Well,

[Ms. McConnell]

say, Mr. Howard, what advice did I give her?

[Tom Howard]

Well, if you gave her any, Ms. McConnell, she didn't take it. Well, as I said before, that brings us right smack up against the crackpot question. Now, here it is. It was sent in by Mr. Dolezal. Here it is. What president of the United States States fought in the Spanish American War. The Roosevelt Boulevard in Philadelphia is named after him. He. He organized a Rough Rider Bear in mind. His first name was Teddy. What's his name? Teddy Bear. Teddy Bear. That is wrong. But Mr. R. Send Mr. Dole is all $15.18 for his question because it pays to be in. Well, that's it folks. 8 o' clock is about here, so we'll have to call it quit. Sorry we didn't get to the rest of our contestants. But Mr. R, suppose you give them each $5 for being good enough to come up here on the stage and help us out.

[Mr. Elliott]

Right, Mr. Howard. $5 to Edwin Myers and Plactor and Alamo.

[Tom Howard]

Thank you all and I'll be right back now with the thought of the week.

[Mr. Elliott]

The Face to Be Ignorant was created by Tom Howard and directed by Roger Bauer will be heard again next Monday night at 7:30pm Eastern.

[Tom Howard]

Wartime. Well, folks, I hope you've had as much fun out of this hodgepodge as we have had. This is Tom Howard again reminding you that the grass is always greener in the other fellow's yard till you have to mow it. So why don't I just say goodnight for Peel Brothers of Brooklyn, brewers of New York's own extra premium beer there. Good night, folks.

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