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It Pays To Be Ignorant - What is a Revolver
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It Pays To Be Ignorant - What is a Revolver
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I'm here on the job site with Dale, who's a framing contractor. Hey, good morning. Dale traded up to Geico Commercial Auto Insurance for all his business vehicles. We're here where he needs us most. Yep, they sure are. We make it easy for him to save on all his insurance needs, all in one place with coverage that fits his business and bottom line. Oh, I shouldn't have looked down. It's all right. We're so far up here. Look at me. Take a deep breath. I'm good. So good. Get a commercial auto insurance quote today@geico.com and see how much you could save. It feels good. To Geico. What is a revolver? A sure cure for common colds. Correct. Pay that $90. What is a wife? The bitter half. The bitter half. Correct. Pay that man $9 because it pays to be ignorant. And there's another half hour with radio's biggest collection of zanies, the incomparable wits, George Sheldon, Lulu McConnell, and Henry McNaughton. Our Doctor of music, Nat Novick, and the man who sticks his neck out every week at this time, our moderator, Tom Howard. Thank you. Thank you, Johnny. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Well, once again, we're here with that quiz program that has become an institution because that's where it belong. We have a board of experts who are so dumb, they think a steam fitter is a man who fits steam together. First we have the celebrated author, Mr. Harry McNaughton, who has just written a book entitled Inside the Aquarium or A Fish Gets in My Eyes. But Here he is, Mr. Harry McNaughton. Thank you. I have a poem, Mr. Howe. I know. Yes. I kissed her in the garden. Twas a moonlight night. She was a marble statue and I was a little bit tight. You know, her heart was made of stone. All right, so I took her for granted. You took her for granted. Next, we have a woman who speaks for herself and anyone else who happens to be around. A woman with such large bags under her eyes, you think she's peeking at you out of a kangaroo's pouch. Here she is, whispering, Lulu McConnell. You know, Mr. Howard, I went to my doctor over a month ago and he put me on a diet, and I don't seem to lose him now. Well, did you stick to the diet? Did you eat just what the doctor told you? Yes, I did. You didn't eat anything else? Nothing good, except of my regular meal. Oh, well, we like you back. All right, next we have a man who really should be hung, but he can't because he hasn't any head A man, a man who eats only a margarine. But although he has seen butter days, here he is, George Shelton. So you know, Ms. Todd, I was alone last weekend. So I took a trip down to Coney island all by myself. And you know the funniest thing happened? Uh huh. What happened? I took a ride through the tunnel of love. And when I come out, I was engaged to top scientist. All right, now that you met the experts, folks, we'll get right along with tonight's questions. Here's the first question this evening. In the poem, the village blacksmith, can you tell me the vocation of the man? The poem is about Mr. Howard, who wrote the poem. All right, never mind. We will just skip that. Skip it? Oh, shall we go on to the next. The next one? Next question. Well, wait a minute. We haven't tried to answer the first question yet. I thought you said we ought to skip it. I didn't say we should skip the question. I said just skip the writer of the poem. Why? Why, Mr. Howard? Ah, because that is not the question. All right, then what is the question? What do you keep us in? Suspended. Ah, suspended. Very cute. In the poem, the village blacksmith. What is the vocation of the man mentioned in the poem? What is your vocation, Mr. Shelton? Oh, my vocation? Oh, the last two weeks in August. The last. Ah, no, that's nice. Nice vacation, you nitwit. Vacation? My old man and I spent our vacation in Atlantic City. The clerk of the hotel said, do you want twin beds? I said, don't be silly. Me and my old man ain't twins. No. That wouldn't be too obvious. No. You know, you know, I went up to the mountains for my vacation, but I had a terrible time getting a room. The clerk at the hotel said the only room he could give me was with an Indian. Are you sure he said Indian? Well, he said the only thing he had was a single room with running water. Running water. Very nice. He was the father of rain in the face. All right. Well, listen, you three drips. The question's not about vacations. It's about the pole, the village blacksmith. Oh, I know that poem, Mr. Hartigles. It was a farmish summer evening and a goodly crowd was there that. Well, Knight, build your corner of the square. That's the place on the bar room floor. Oh, no, no, no, no, Mr. Howard. No. The face on the bar room floor goes like this. Under the spreading chestnut trees. Look, look. That's the village blacksmith. Now, what was his occupation or his vocation what was he doing under the chestnut tree? Picking chestnut. He was picking chestnut. Mr. Sheldon, if you take real good care of yourself and get plenty of sleep and eat the proper food, you have excellent chances of becoming an idiot. Yes. Oh, thank you, Mr. Hunter. I'll do my best. Yes, start tomorrow. I'll start tonight. And we'd get back to the questions about a famous poem. How the poem go again, Mrs. McNaughton? Under the spraying chestnut tree, the village smithy stands and stands and stands. No seats. You know, the man's got fallen arches. Ah, please. What is his name, Mr. McDonald? You told me Smitty. Smitty? Yeah. Oh, I know a man whose name is Smitty. Yeah. Was he standing under a chestnut tree? No, he's laying under a wall of table. I still like my poem best. Was a farmer Summer Even a best shout. Please, will you cut it out? I like that poem, too. It reminds me of my old man. Oh, really? Does your old man recite the face on the barroom floor? No, but I've seen him laying on it lots of times. Don't you know anybody that stands up on their feet? Give me that piece of chalk with which you mark the baseball shoe. Look, Mr. Sheldon, I would like to give you a rope. Will you shut up? Go right ahead, Mr. Sheldon. It's beautiful. Another drink. With chalk in hand, the vagabond began and he threw the face that well might buy the soul of any man. Ah, Shakespeare. I love it. Shakespeare? Yes, you love it. Will you kindly come? I like Shakespeare, too. You'll like Shakespeare. He probably liked you a lot. Thank you. That was Nat. No Novik playing Rosalie. And very nice, too, Nat. I mean, Rosalie was. Now, here's the next question. Pay attention. Yes. Why does a fireman wear red suspenders? Why does so fire wear what? No, not why does the pot wear what? Why does a fireman wear red suspenders? What kind of a man, Mr. How. Fire. Fire. Fire. Say, we better get out of here. We better get out. Somebody's hollering fire. Please, Mr. Sheldon. That was me. You? Well, you ain't. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. That's your rage. What do you want to do? Start a panic, a commotion, a stampede? A Kazan? You want to start trouble? Why don't you rent yourself out to a duck hunter as a decoy? My union won't let me. I don't blame the McMahon. The question is, why does a fireman wear red suspenders? No. That's got me wondering, Ms. McConnell. It's just your mind that's wondering. Don't any of you know what a fireman is? Look, when there's a fire, who gets there first? You know, Mr. Howard, I used to be a fireman. Ah, well, do I remember one fire I went to? It was a beautiful girl looking out of the window up from the 18th floor, waving her arms and screaming, help. Help. Help. Oh, you're an impersonator. Did I? I thought you were an impersonator. I was laying the lady. She was very good. I see. And did I run away like a coward? Yes. Yes. No. I rushed into the burning building, you see, up the stairs, three steps at a time, maybe four steps, maybe five. What do I care for a couple of steps? No, no, no. So I reached the 17th floor. There were flames to the right of me, flames to the left of me. And into the valley of death rolled the 600. That was another fire, wasn't it? There I was, trapped, blinded by sm, my clothes in flames. Goodness. What happened was I burned up. You were Mr. Biggio. What became of the young lady? Yeah, what young lady? You said there was the young lady on the 18th floor. But you only reached the 17th floor. How about the young lady on the 18th floor? Oh, that was another story. That was, ah, brave. Well, let's get on with the question. Why does a fireman wear red suspended? You know, my cousin Lucy married a fireman. She did? Volunteers volunteer? Yes. No, our father made him. You know, I passed a burning house the other day and the smoke was pouring out in volumes. It was the fire must have been in the library. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah. Down in our town we have a new fire engine and two dogs. Yeah, what's the two dogs for? They run ahead behind the fire plugs. Please answer the question. You know, we have a combination fireplace and clothes closet built in our house. Well, what's the clothes closet and the fireplace for? So that the guests can hang their clothes up. Yeah, but don't the clothes burn? Not as good as coal. Then what can you expect on me, Mr. McNaughton? You get in my hair. No, you get in mine. There's more of it. Can anyone tell me why a fireman wears red suspended? For the same reason that a black cow eats green grass and gives white milk that makes yellow butter. Now we come to our contestants. While Mr. Roberts are getting the folks up here, we fill in that gap with our orchestra. An Auguster whose members have always played Bach. Bach of a saloon. Here he is, Dr. Novik. And the short ones without a head. Dr. Novik, it's. Good evening Friday events and welcome to our program. How do you feel this evening, Private? Oh, I feel fine. Well, that's fine, sir. Where is your hometown when you can't tell it? Oh, I was born in Vienna, but live now in New York City. Oh, you were born in Vienna, Austria? Yes, sir. Oh, that's marvelous. Vienna, Austria. Vienna all the way with the. Oh, my God. Vienna. Well, waltz me around and make me dizzy. Oh, yeah, you're already dizzy. Are you sure liking that, I imagine. Yeah, I was a shovel maker in a playing card factory. You, you were a shovel maker in a playing card factory? We used to make all the spades young Mr. Jealous. Someone, someone should beat you over the head with a club for that one. Oh, Mr. How. You're quite a card. I'm quite a card. You can both go to the deuce. Oh, cut it out. Come on, let's shuffle along. Will you cut, please? Pay no attention to them, Private. We're glad to have you with us. I said before. And you were born in Vienna, Austria. That is marvelous. How long have you been over here? Oh, four years. Only four years? Well, tell me, this is very interesting. In Vienna were you in the. In the German army by any chance? Well, I was two years in the Hitler U. And then I was inducted in a German army. You are inducted in the German army. I take it that you were forced into the German army. Now, how'd you get out of the German army? You managed to escape or something? That's right. My uncle got me out. Oh, got and got you over here? That's right. And then you were. You got in our army? That's right. I enlisted in the American army. Isn't that great? And I noticed you got some service tribes. I take it that you've been overseas then? Yes, sir, I have. The European campaign. With five battle stars, Purple Heart. So you went back to Germany and fought the Germans. Well, I know, I know from that attitude you are, if you're not already, you are going to be an American citizen. I am already. You are already. Good for you, my boy. That's right. You certainly knew what side you were fighting for. What did you expect to do after you get out of the service? Oh, I expect to go back to college. Back to college. Well, I hope when you get out you'll get a very successful position or job someplace. Oh, you won't have much trouble. I don't know. I remember after the last fall I should have a bit of trouble getting a job. Where'd you Work? Where did you work? I got a job in a dry cleaning shop. Got a dry cleaning shop. Was the white hard Tony and spots are collegible. Never mind. Somebody ought to put you through the ringer for that. Get on here. As I said, Otto, we are certainly very glad to have you with us. We sure are. What's your first name? Otto. What's your first name? Otto is a cute. He's a very nice looking boy. Oh, he's better than that. He's swell. He's cute all right. Boy, would I let the hug you. Yeah. Oh, boy, would I love to hug you. The pressure would be all mine. The pressure? The pressure would be all ours. You can just call me referee man. Yeah, I'm good in the clinching. You're good in the clinching. Yes. And you've been through the ropes too. Will you reach into the dunce. Captain, pick a question for us, please. And when you get one, would you be good enough to read it? Just take your time and read it right into the microphone. From what kind of mine do we get gold ore. That's very nice. From what kind of mine do we get gold ore? Gold or what? Gold or what do you mean gold or what? What is it? Gold or silver? Copper, Brand new or dye? Brand of shanti of coffee, lemon and cream or pie? Ah, all right, all right. It's just. You call me a clucker, I am. Mary stood up. I tried to mark goldar. Gold or what? Just gold or. Oh, come, come now, Mr. Howard. You can't leave a sentence hanging up in the air like that. Gold Lord. Let's finish the sentence, old boy. Mr. Big Brother, does insanity run in your family? Oh, dear, no. It walks. There are different kind of wars. Gold, sil. Iron, wood. Wood? What do you mean, wood? There are no wood ores. What are you talking about? How do you suppose I roll my boat? You don't think I use iron ore, do you? Can you row a boat? Sure, I can row a boat. Canoe. Yeah. Yes, that is correct. Yes. Remember my grandfather telling me, look, before we get gold, we gotta get the ore. Gold is a mineral. I thought it was a vegetable. Is not a vegetable. Now you take 18 karat gold. Well, the carrot is the vegetable. The carrot? I'm not talking about those kind of carrots. The miner goes down into the mine and he strikes a vein. Sometimes the veins are very close together. Like my sister. Like a. What do you mean like your sister? She is very close space. The R. The R is taken to the smelter. What does he do? Smell it in? Mr. Sheldon. Mr. Sheldon, how old are you? 42. No, no, you couldn't be. You couldn't be that dumb in 42 years. All right, Benny, 43. What are you going to do, Mitchell? Air on me for a year? Not Doc. Mr. McGonkins, can you tell me where they get gold? No, I can't. I'm sorry, Mr. Howard. If I knew, I'd get some myself. You don't know Mr. Shelton. I certainly do. You get gold out in Iowa. Iowa? In Des Moines. In Des Moines. You'll be ashamed of you. My old man used to work in Des Moines. He worked hard, too. He worked 16 hours a day. No, no. Union hours are eight hours a day. He belonged to Reunion. Break down any minute. After that. I'm surprised to still see people in the vader. Really? Who is our next guest, please? Our next guest, Mr. Howard, is a very attractive, very lovely and charming young lady. Private First Class Irene Frey of the United States Marines. Good. How you doing tomorrow, man? Good evening, Ms. Frey. We're glad to see you. How do you feel this evening, Ms. Frey? Fine, thank you. Well, that's fine. Where's your hometown? Would you care to mention Riverdale, New York? Riverdale, New York. Oh, yes. Very cute place, Riverdale. Oh, Riverdale. Very beautiful town. If I may, I've been there. I remember one day I was walking down the street, something got in my eye. What did you do? I followed it. Bless the garden, please. You know, I went to see Michael last Wednesday night. I gave a kid brother $0.50 not to peek. Did he peek? Sure. He set up a sodel. He gave me two bits back. Oh, man. Well, we're very glad to have you with us. And Riverdale is a very nice place. I have to know because I was up there several times. One time I went up there to buy a house. House? I wasn't very successful because there were restrictions in the plate. So I didn't make out so well. So we're very glad to have you with us. What are you doing in New York? I'm on a ten day furlough. You're on a ten day furlough? Fine. I hope you're enjoying. Are you having a nice time? Yes, I'm having. Good. What you do before you enter the service? I work for the YMCA and. For the ymca in Riverdale? No, in New York. Oh, in New York. Well, then you know New York quite well. What do you expect to do when you get out of service? Go back to Riverdale. I hope to get married. You hope to get married? After all the war she's been in, she's gonna get married. Well, I don't think you're going to have a bit of trouble, I'll tell you that right now. What do you know? Too bad I ain't younger, is it Mr. Sheldon? After all? You know Ms. Pray is getting ready for the first train. I just made it up on the spur of the moment. Let's get on it. Well, I bet you girls are good and glad to get back in civilian clothes again. I'll bet you. You know, my old man's going to buy me a sable coat this winter. Your old man's going to buy you a sable coat? Privy, huh? Mr. Howard. You think I look good in his playful? Yes, I do, Ms. Mc. You really think I look good in his paper? I said I think you like goodness. Did you say sable? Oh, pardon me, I thought you said stable. Shut up you oldy cake. Pump handle. Ms. Flame, will you reach into the dunge cap there and pick out a question for us please? And will you read the question? In what game is the bowling ball used? In what game is our Foley Voluge? Is that right? They're quite is about sports. Oh, about sports. You know I went bowling last night, Mr. How I can hardly move today. I got rather stiff in the joints. Uh huh. Well you should stay out of joints. You know, there's one game I like. Of course. I just started bowling and I'm a little green yet. I have relatives there. You have relatives? Where? Bowling Green. Bowling Green? That's down in Kentucky. Yeah? Yeah. All right. Near the Tennessee border. All right. I right across. All right, Ms. McConnell. I don't expect me going down there in the. You don't tell me about it. Oh, we have a beautiful Tennessee boarder living in our house. I thought that was just an ugly rumor. Will you please. Let's get on there. Let's get on there. Mr. Sheldon, you said you've done some bowling? Yes. Did you make a strike yet? Oh, sure. That's how I met the Pin boy. Well, what do you mean that's how you met the pin boy? Well, I picked up one of those 16 pound balls and threw it down the alley. But how did you meet the pin boy? My thumb got stuck in the ball. I see. Right on the beam. Right on the beam. That's a new name for it all right. I think you must have hurt your dignity. I sure did. I had to get a new pair of trousers. You had to get a new pair of trousers. I bought my britches behind me. Look, you all seem to know a little bit about bowling, so try and answer the question. I know something about bowling. I saw a young lady bowling the other evening. She was wonderful. She had a beautiful curve one, you know. You know, she was a beautiful blonde, too. She was? Yeah. She made three spares in a row. Made three spares. What was her name? Well, they called her Goldilocks. Yeah, Goldilocks and her three spares. Ah, Goldilocks. I always thought that was Ben. Yeah. Yeah. Well, he reasoned a little bit there. I used to live right next door to Bowling Alley. You did? Yes. Wasn't it noisy? Noisy? No. You could hear a pin drop. You could hear it. There we go. I don't get it. Well, that's about all on tonight's session, folks. We'll be around your way again. This time next week, we'd like to have you listen. Another thing that might seem hard to believe. It Pays to Be Ignorant will be a special broadcast from What Are Things Coming to? Pays to Be Ignorant and Carnegie Hall. Now, here is that sweet singer from the swamps who used to sing Chloe, but she never answered him. Here he is to tell you just what we mean when we say to be ignorant, to be dumb, to be them, to be ignorant. It takes to be ignorant just like me.