It Pays To Be Ignorant - Why Are Women Like The Ocean

Summary

Podcast Summary: It Pays To Be Ignorant – Why Are Women Like The Ocean

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Host: Tom Howard (and panel: George Shelton, Lulu McConnell, Harry McNaughton; Announcer: Ken Roberts)
Date: May 12, 2026 (original episode is from the WWII era)
Episode Theme: Light-hearted, zany quiz show from the Golden Age of Radio, blending silly trivia with sharp wordplay and vaudevillian jokes. The panel features comic “experts” whose deliberate ignorance and quick wit fuels the show’s chaotic charm.

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1. Overview of the Episode

This episode captures the classic, comedic banter of "It Pays To Be Ignorant," wherein the host and his eccentric panel field questions with mock-seriousness and relentless puns. With servicemen and women as contestants, the show entertains listeners—both domestic and overseas—with broad humor, misinterpretations, and snappy one-liners. Classic radio nostalgia, audience interaction, and wartime references contextualize the entertainment.

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2. Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Opening Banter and Panel Introductions

• Tom Howard opens by setting the farcical tone, warning listeners:
  “If you like sophisticated humor, we haven’t got it. But if you like laughs that come from the stomach, stick around and hold it.” [01:17]
• Panel members introduced with comical “credentials” (ex: Harry McNaughton wrote a book, The Return of Rubber for Girdles, or They Were Expandable).
• Memorable moment: Harry recites a silly poem, mistakenly attributing it to Longfellow, continuing the running joke of ‘ignorant experts.’
  • [01:54] Harry: “A boy sat on the Brooklyn Bridge… his feet were in the water.”
  • Tom: “Very good.”
• Lulu McConnell tells a story about trying to hitchhike with a military officer, again spinning a punchline out of the situation.
  • Lulu: “If I had gotten my hands on that lieutenant, I’d have made a buck private out of him!” [02:42]

The “Quiz” — Nonsensical Questions & Answers

• Tom asks, “Can any of you tell me who made the first American flag?”
  • George: “Adam.”
  • Tom: “No, that's wrong. It was a woman.”
• Panel stubbornly riffs on irrelevant details about the house the flag-maker lived in, ignoring the question’s point.
  • Lulu, Harry, George go off-tangent on renting/buying the historical Betsy Ross House [04:18–04:59].
  • Tom struggles to bring them back, e.g., “The house is a historical house.” [05:09]

Running Gags & Verbal Play

• When asked, “What is a bread knife used for?” the panel answers with absurdity:
  • George: “To eat mashed potatoes with.”
  • Tom: “Don’t you use a fork?”
  • George: “To put the mashed potatoes on the knife.”
  • Tom: “Why do you put mashed potatoes on the knife?”
  • George: “To keep the peas from slipping off.” [08:23–08:38]

Puns, Wordplay, and Comic Momentum

• Every simple query is derailed by layers of wordplay:
  • Bread/loaf/pun sequence, e.g.,
    • Harry: “When you have enough [dough], you belong to the upper crust. And when you’re broke, you’re just a loafer.” [07:13]
• Persistent “idiot” personas are played for comedic effect, particularly in misapprehending obvious questions or literalizing language.

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3. Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

Tom Howard: “Why are women like the ocean?”
George Shelton: “Because they never dry up.”
(Tom: “Correct. Pay that man $8.”) [00:29–00:40]

Lulu McConnell: “We can’t find a house any place.”
Tom Howard: “The house is a historical house.” [05:19]

George Shelton (about dinner):
“It’s getting so Saturday night is the baloney-est night in the week.” [03:18]

Harry McNaughton (re: wife driving):
“When the road turns the same time she does, it’s just a coincidence. Yesterday she took a turn for the worse.” [07:53]

Harry McNaughton: “The guns shoot elephants. I always thought gun shot bullets.” [16:33]

Tom Howard: “Do any of you know what kind of an animal they hunt with an elephant gun?”
(Panel chaos breaks out; more banter about fox hunting, decoys, and sponges.) [17:54–18:39]

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4. Important Segments with Timestamps

• Panel Introductions & Opening Jokes [01:17–03:17]: Zany persona setup, establishing the deliberately clueless tone.
• Historical Question Derailment [04:11–05:19]: The “who made the first American flag” routine unravels into house rental absurdity.
• Bread Knife Sequence [06:05–08:38]: Signature misinterpretation and escalating puns on food, utensils, and class.
• First Contestant: Private Richard Finnegan [12:24–17:24]: Banter about military service, the “elephant gun” question, more panel jokes.
• Second Contestant: PFC Shirley Coward [21:26–27:12]: Discussion of her background as a photographer and chemist, further comic diversions about blizzards, decoys, and Southern boys.
• Blizzard of 1888 Routine [25:25–27:12]: Panel fails to identify the year, spins off into chicken "blizzard" confusion.
• Closing Musical Routine and Sign-off [27:40 onward]: Light singing, humorous final words, mock complaints, then closing credits.

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5. Style & Tone

• The language throughout is quick, deadpan, and full of vaudevillian wit.
• The interplay among Tom Howard (straight man/moderator) and the panel (zany experts) is essential; misunderstanding is played for laughs, each answer funnier and less relevant than the last.
• The show often breaks the fourth wall, acknowledging the absurdity (“That was especially for those who were brave enough to stay tuned in for this past half hour”—Tom Howard, [30:00]).

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6. Episode Takeaways

• The heart of It Pays to Be Ignorant lies in its persistent silliness and relentless wordplay, delighting listeners with intentionally mistaken answers and rapid-fire banter.
• Real-life service members serve as contestants, but become straight characters against the comic chaos of the panel.
• A nostalgic and illuminating glimpse into the sense of humor and entertainment tastes of wartime America.

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For those who haven’t listened, this episode is a parade of deliberately ignorant answers, puns, and comic repartee—a testament to the classic era’s affection for silly, communal laughter.

Transcript

[Liberty Mutual Announcer]

Liberty Mutual customizes your car and home insurance. And now we're customizing this rush hour ad to keep you calm, which could help your driving. And science says therapy is great for a healthy mindset. So enjoy this 14 second session on us. I think you've done everything right and absolutely nothing wrong. In fact, anything that hasn't gone your way could probably be blamed on your father not being emotionally available because his father wasn't emotionally available, and so on. And now that you're calm and healing, you're probably driving better, too.

[Tom Howard]

Liberty. Liberty.

[George Shelton]

Liberty.

[Tom Howard]

Liberty. Why are women like the ocean?

[George Shelton]

Because they never dry up.

[Tom Howard]

Correct. Pay that man $8. Why doesn't a regular soldier sit down?

[George Shelton]

Because he belongs to the standing army.

[Tom Howard]

Correct. Pay that man $9.

[Ken Roberts]

Because it pays to be ignorant. As living proof to all you service men and women listening in over there that it does pay to be ignorant. Here's another half hour with radio's biggest collection of zanies, the incomparable wits, George Shelton, Lulu McConnell and Harry McNaughton. Our Doctor of music, Nat Novick, and the man who sticks his neck out every week at this time, our moderator, Tom Howard.

[Tom Howard]

There you go. Thank you, Ken Roberts. And good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and here we are again with that quiz program designed for cylinder heads. If you like sophisticated humor, we haven't got it. But if you like laughs that come from the stomach, stick around and hold it. We have a board of experts. We have a board of experts who are so dumb they think Ohio discovered America. And his first name was Columbus. We have the celebrated author, Mr. H.Y. macNaughton, who has just written a book entitled the Return of Rubber for Girdles, or They Were Expandable. Here he is, Mr. Harry McNaughton. Thank you.

[Harry McNaughton]

I have a poem, Mr. Howe.

[Tom Howard]

I know.

[Harry McNaughton]

Yes. A boy sat on the Brooklyn Bridge. He knew he hadn't oughta. He took his shoes and stockings off and his feet were in the water.

[Tom Howard]

Very good.

[Harry McNaughton]

Longfellow.

[Tom Howard]

Longfellow.

[Harry McNaughton]

Quite a feat, you know.

[Tom Howard]

Yeah, quite a feat. Well, don't stretch it. Let's get on here. Next we have a woman who was the cream of society, but she curdled.

[George Shelton]

A woman.

[Tom Howard]

A woman whose name may not be in who's who, but whose picture is in what's this? Here she is, Ms. Lulu McConnell.

[Lulu McConnell]

You know, Mr. Howard, I tried to hitchhike a ride to the studio today.

[Tom Howard]

Oh, you were hitchhiking? Uh huh. Yes.

[Lulu McConnell]

And the car stopped and there was the nicest lieutenant in it. And he said to me, are you going south? I said, yes. He said, well, give my regards to Mexico.

[Tom Howard]

Very nice.

[Lulu McConnell]

If I had gotten my hands on that lieutenant, I'd have made a buck

[Tom Howard]

private out of it. I see what did have. All right, let's get on here. Next we have a man, ladies and gentlemen. Next we have a man who was so dumb he played hooky from school on George Washington's birthday. A man who up to a few weeks ago, was living the life of Riley. But Riley came home. Here he is, Mr. George Shultz.

[George Shelton]

Say, you know, Ms. Howard, I've got to change my boarding house.

[Tom Howard]

You do? Yeah.

[George Shelton]

Every Saturday night we have nothing but baloney for dinner.

[Tom Howard]

Baloney.

[George Shelton]

Every Saturday night it's baloney. Baloney, baloney.

[Tom Howard]

I see.

[George Shelton]

It's getting so Saturday night is the baloney est night in the week.

[Tom Howard]

All right, now that you met the experts, we get right along with the first question. Here it is. Can any of you tell me. Can any of you tell me who made the first American flag?

[George Shelton]

I can, Mr. Howard. Good.

[Tom Howard]

Adam.

[George Shelton]

Adam.

[Tom Howard]

No, that's wrong. It was a woman.

[George Shelton]

Well, what are you talking about? Adam wasn't a woman.

[Tom Howard]

Wait a minute.

[George Shelton]

His wife was a woman, though.

[Harry McNaughton]

Well, Maybe it was Mrs. Adam.

[Tom Howard]

No, no, wait a minute. You got the wrong slant. Adam did not make the first American flag. Certainly not.

[Lulu McConnell]

He made the first hat.

[Tom Howard]

The first hat?

[Harry McNaughton]

Oh, yes. Adam's hat. Yes. I never thought of that. Oh, you're wonderful, Ms. McConnell.

[Lulu McConnell]

Oh, I know a thing or two. Yeah, I'm smart.

[Tom Howard]

Yeah.

[Lulu McConnell]

I'm not just a glamour girl.

[Tom Howard]

No, you're not just a girl either. Who made the first American flag. She lived in Philadelphia in a house on Ard Street.

[Harry McNaughton]

Mr. Hart, does she still live there?

[Tom Howard]

No, no, Mr. McNaughton, she's not living today.

[Harry McNaughton]

That's too bad.

[Lulu McConnell]

Is the house for rent, Mr. Howard?

[Tom Howard]

Ah, wait a minute.

[Lulu McConnell]

We can't find a house any place.

[Tom Howard]

All right, let's get on here.

[Harry McNaughton]

How many rooms has the house got, Mr. Howard?

[Tom Howard]

I don't know how many rooms. It's a very small house. Well, are you sure they don't want

[Lulu McConnell]

to rent it, Mr. Howard?

[Tom Howard]

They don't want to rent it.

[George Shelton]

How do you know if they want to rent it or not? How do you know? Pia, what authority do you make such an incision as that?

[Tom Howard]

An incision?

[George Shelton]

Where do you get your dope? Dope?

[Tom Howard]

Run it out, will you have the house? A big part of Philadelphia.

[Harry McNaughton]

Oh, my word. I thought you said it was a small house.

[Lulu McConnell]

Maybe I could buy it. How much do they Want for it, Mr. Howard?

[Tom Howard]

How much are the taxes?

[Harry McNaughton]

How much ground has it got?

[Lulu McConnell]

Is it near a bus?

[Tom Howard]

Look, that doesn't enter into the question.

[George Shelton]

Well, anyhow, I got a good place to live in now.

[Tom Howard]

That's fine. But I'll be out of luck if

[George Shelton]

the railroad moves that freight car.

[Tom Howard]

The freight?

[Lulu McConnell]

How many bathrooms Has a house, Mr. Howard?

[Tom Howard]

How many? What do you mean, how many bathrooms? That shouldn't interest you. Now, let's get on here. The house is a historical house.

[Lulu McConnell]

Oh, ghosts and stuff and things.

[Tom Howard]

No, no, the house belongs to the city of Philadelphia. It's a point of historical interest. Hundreds of people visit there every day.

[Lulu McConnell]

Oh, I wouldn't like that. Too much company.

[Tom Howard]

Too much company.

[Lulu McConnell]

People running in and out all the time.

[Tom Howard]

Yes.

[Lulu McConnell]

You'd have to ask them to stay for cheese.

[Tom Howard]

Oh, yes.

[Lulu McConnell]

Oh, I couldn't be bothered.

[Tom Howard]

No, no, too much. Ms. McConnell, why don't you get yourself another idiot and settle down?

[Lulu McConnell]

Why, Mr. Howard, I didn't think you cared.

[Tom Howard]

You didn't. I'm still trying to get an answer to the question. What was the name of the woman who made the first American flag? The house she lived in is called the Betsy Ross House. Did you get that? Betsy Ross. There is also a very popular candy named after it.

[George Shelton]

Oh, I. Why didn't I think of it?

[Tom Howard]

Why? Well, what is it?

[George Shelton]

Fannie Farmer.

[Tom Howard]

Ah, got it. Thank. Here's the next question. Now, pay attention. Try and be on your toes. This is a very simple question and you should have no trouble with it. Here it is. What is a bread knife used for? Did you Hear the question, Mr. Shelton?

[George Shelton]

Certainly I heard the question. It's about a knife.

[Tom Howard]

That's very good.

[George Shelton]

Oh, I get the point. You can't stick me.

[Tom Howard]

All right, you heard the question. What do you think of it?

[Harry McNaughton]

That was a sharp remark, wasn't it?

[Tom Howard]

Yeah. Yes, it was, mister. Let's get on here. Never mind the puns. What is a bread knife used for? You should know that, Ms. McConnel.

[Lulu McConnell]

I should, shouldn't I?

[Tom Howard]

Yes, you should. Well, I don't, you know. You don't know what a bread knife is used for?

[Lulu McConnell]

Nope. We never use bread in our house.

[Tom Howard]

You never use bread?

[Lulu McConnell]

No. We use nothing but toast.

[George Shelton]

Boy, she's got a lot of crust full of that, ain't she? Huh?

[Tom Howard]

What is a bread knife used for? I'll give you a hint. It is used to cut something made from dough. You know what dough is, Mr. McNaughton?

[Harry McNaughton]

Oh, rather. Oh, boy. Dough is something that everybody Needs? Yes, it attracts a lot of half baked friends. And when you have enough of it, you belong to the upper crust. And when you're broke, you're just a loafer.

[Tom Howard]

I see. That's very, very clever, Mr. Shelton. Now let's get on here. Mr. Shelton, do you know what I'm talking about?

[George Shelton]

Why? Don't you?

[Tom Howard]

Don't I?

[George Shelton]

Listen, if you don't know what you're talking about, how do you expect us to know, you dumb cluck?

[Tom Howard]

Look, Blaze, I know what I'm talking about. Then you answer the questions, Mr. Sheldon, don't you? How is it you never derive any benefit from these questions?

[George Shelton]

I have no driver's license.

[Tom Howard]

You're not derived.

[Harry McNaughton]

So you know my wife is taking driver's lessons.

[Lulu McConnell]

How's she making out?

[Harry McNaughton]

When the road turns the same time she does? It's just a coincidence. Yesterday she took a turn for the worse.

[George Shelton]

Goodness.

[Lulu McConnell]

Any damage?

[Harry McNaughton]

Well, you know that new sedan I had?

[Tom Howard]

Yeah.

[Harry McNaughton]

It's a convertible coupe.

[Tom Howard]

Now you know.

[Harry McNaughton]

You know, she's never driven at night. The other night she was out the first time in the car and saw two headlights coming towards her. Yeah?

[Tom Howard]

What did she do?

[Harry McNaughton]

She drove between them.

[Tom Howard]

Will you please tell me what she drove between them? What is a bread knife used for? Wait a minute. Do any of you know what a knife is?

[George Shelton]

Oh, sure, I know what a knife is used for.

[Tom Howard]

Good. What do you use a knife for?

[George Shelton]

To eat mashed potatoes with.

[Tom Howard]

I see. Don't you use a fork?

[George Shelton]

Why, certainly.

[Tom Howard]

What do you use the fork for?

[George Shelton]

To put the mashed potatoes on the knife.

[Tom Howard]

Why do you put mashed potatoes on the knife?

[George Shelton]

To keep the peas from slipping off.

[Tom Howard]

Now we come to our contestants. Why Mr. Roberts is getting the folks up here. We hear from our orchestra they say music soothes the savage beast. Now we give you the savage beast. The corn doctor. Dr. Novik.

[Lulu McConnell]

See? Happy new year.

[Tom Howard]

Ah. Why,

[Lulu McConnell]

Thank you, Dr. Novik.

[Tom Howard]

Boy, that was terrible. If Dr. Novik had lived in the days of the Pied Piper, they would have used his orchestra to chase the rats out of Hamlin.

[Liberty Mutual Announcer]

Liberty Mutual customizes your car and home insurance. And now we're customizing this rush hour ad to keep you calm, which could help your driving. And science says therapy is great for a healthy mindset. So enjoy this 14 second session on us. I think you've done everything right and absolutely nothing wrong. In fact, anything that hasn't gone your way could probably be blamed on your father not being emotionally available. Because his father wasn't emotionally available. And so on. And now that you're calm and healing, you're probably driving better, too.

[Tom Howard]

Liberty. Liberty.

[George Shelton]

Liberty.

[Tom Howard]

Liberty.

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[Tom Howard]

Well, who is our first contestant, Mr. Roberts?

[Ken Roberts]

Our first contestant today, Mr. Howard, is Private Richard Finnegan of the famous 82nd Airborne Division.

[Tom Howard]

Good evening, sir. Good evening, Mr. Finnegan, and thank you a lot for coming up. It certainly is a pleasure to have you. How do you. How do you feel, sir? I feel fine, thank you. Well, that's good. Where's your hometown? Would you care to say?

[Harry McNaughton]

New York City.

[Lulu McConnell]

Oh, fine.

[Tom Howard]

You're right at home. Isn't that 12?

[George Shelton]

New York City. Well, bring me 100 telephones and call me Diet Smith.

[Tom Howard]

I see.

[George Shelton]

I used to work in this town.

[Tom Howard]

I see.

[George Shelton]

Yeah, I was a baseball mascot in a haunted house.

[Harry McNaughton]

You were a baseball mascot in a haunted house?

[Tom Howard]

Yeah, I used to take care of the bat. The bat? Please don't mind him, Mr. Finnegan. When he was in the army, he was the droop of the troop, if you know what I mean. What are you doing today in New York? Just having a nice time. Taking in the sights or what?

[Harry McNaughton]

Oh, just resting, that's all.

[Tom Howard]

Well, that's good. And I bet you need a rest. Are you enjoying yourself? Very much, thank you. Good, I'm glad. How long have you been in the service, Mr. Finnegan?

[Harry McNaughton]

Two and a half years.

[Tom Howard]

Two and a half years. Congratulations, my boy. That's.

[Harry McNaughton]

Well, you know, Mr. Finnegan, I was in the last war. You know, I never forget the time they put me on sentry duty. The sergeant said to me, remember, McNaughton, if anything moves, you shoot.

[Tom Howard]

I said, yes, sir. Yes.

[Harry McNaughton]

If anything shoots, I move.

[Tom Howard]

I can believe that.

[Harry McNaughton]

Well, Mr. Howard. Anyway, it's better to say, there he goes, than here he lies.

[Tom Howard]

I see what you mean.

[Harry McNaughton]

I told the sergeant.

[Tom Howard]

Never mind. What'd you do before you entered the service?

[Harry McNaughton]

I used to pick the names out of hotel towels.

[Lulu McConnell]

I'm not talking to you.

[George Shelton]

That's Nice clean work, though.

[Tom Howard]

Hotel towel.

[Harry McNaughton]

Little hard on the fingers, you know.

[Tom Howard]

Yeah, I imagine it. Now, let's get on here. I was talking to our guest here. Now, please keep quiet. What'd you do before you entered the service? I went to school. Oh, a student. I see. What school did you go to? Would you care to say? I went to school up in Andover, Mass. Oh, Andover, Mass. Oh, yes, I know that school.

[George Shelton]

I used to go to that same school.

[Tom Howard]

Ah, cut it out. That's a very ritzy school.

[George Shelton]

I don't care how richy it was. It ain't too richy for me.

[Tom Howard]

You. You mean to tell me you went to Andover, Mass?

[George Shelton]

Of course. I was only there one day.

[Tom Howard]

I see.

[George Shelton]

Only one day. And the head man called me in his office and he says, hand over my watch.

[Harry McNaughton]

Did you get time?

[Tom Howard]

Ah, cut it out, Mr. McDonough.

[George Shelton]

He gave me the works.

[Tom Howard]

He gave you the works? I see. Don't pay any attention to him. I'm sure we're very glad to have you with us here tonight. Yeah, we sure are.

[Lulu McConnell]

What's your first name, honey?

[Tom Howard]

Dick. What Dick? Richard. Richard. Oh, the Richard.

[Lulu McConnell]

That's a pretty name, isn't it, Dick?

[Tom Howard]

Richard is a nice name. Oh, that's a lover name, Richard. I just love that name, Richard.

[Lulu McConnell]

Oh, my, you dark, handsome. Oh, and it might as well be. Might as well be spring.

[Tom Howard]

Yeah. Oh, you cute. Might as well be winter as far as you're concerned.

[Lulu McConnell]

You can just call me Radar.

[Tom Howard]

Yeah, Radar.

[Lulu McConnell]

Yeah, I'm on the beam.

[Tom Howard]

Yeah, and you'll pick up anything. Get out. Dick, while you're here, would you do us a favor by reaching into the dunce cap and picking out a question for us, please? And when you get one, would you be kind enough to read it, if you don't mind? Just read it right into the microphone. What animal do they shoot with? An elephant gun. Good, good. What animal do they shoot with? An elephant gun.

[Harry McNaughton]

What kind of a gun?

[Tom Howard]

An elephant gun.

[Harry McNaughton]

Oh, my word. I never knew elephants carried guns.

[Tom Howard]

They're off already. Sure.

[Lulu McConnell]

That's. That's why they have such big trunks. Yes, they carry the guns in the trunk.

[Tom Howard]

I see, I see. Ms. McConnell, why don't you soak your head in calcimine, Mr. Hart?

[Lulu McConnell]

Means.

[George Shelton]

Means the gun shoots elephants.

[Tom Howard]

The gun. Plugged up there for a minute, wasn't it?

[Harry McNaughton]

What did you say there, Mr. Hart?

[George Shelton]

Means the gun shoots elephants.

[Harry McNaughton]

The guns shoot elephants. I always thought gun shot bullets.

[Tom Howard]

I mean, in my day they did. Mr. McNaughton, please let me know, Mr. McNaugh, your basic training as an idiot.

[Harry McNaughton]

Oh, with pleasure, Mr. Howard. Can I be in your class?

[Tom Howard]

You can be. The question's about hunting, Mr. Shelton. Did you ever see an elephant?

[Harry McNaughton]

Well.

[Lulu McConnell]

Hey, wait a minute. What are you looking at me for?

[George Shelton]

Well, I'm just trying to answer the question, that's all.

[Harry McNaughton]

Ah, you know I love to hunt. Ah, I love the sound of the tally ho. Well, do I remember my last fox hunt? There I was, off at the crack of dawn. I chased the fox over the hill, down into the dale, through the fields and the forest, through the river, down the river, over the stream, down to the village. Just when I was about to grab the box, he ducked into a movie theater.

[Tom Howard]

Did you go in after him?

[Harry McNaughton]

No, I'd seen the picture.

[Tom Howard]

Please, let's get back to the question.

[Lulu McConnell]

I went hunting with my old man once.

[Tom Howard]

With him or for him?

[Lulu McConnell]

With him, smarty pants.

[George Shelton]

Did you have any luck?

[Tom Howard]

Did I?

[Lulu McConnell]

I shot a buck.

[George Shelton]

You shot a buck?

[Tom Howard]

Yeah.

[Lulu McConnell]

Then I shot two bucks.

[George Shelton]

Who faded you?

[Tom Howard]

She's been. She's been faded for years. Mr. Sheldon, the question's about honey.

[George Shelton]

I love to hunt. Wildlife.

[Tom Howard]

Yeah.

[Harry McNaughton]

Blondes or brunettes?

[George Shelton]

Oh, I'm not fussy.

[Tom Howard]

Look, will you please try and answer the question? Please. Do any of you know what kind of an animal they hunt with an elephant gun?

[George Shelton]

I don't know nothing about elephants. I love the steeple chase. You like the steeple chase, Mr. McNaughton?

[Harry McNaughton]

I don't know. Boy, I've never chased any steeples. No, I prefer duck hunting. I mean, first you put out the decoys. You know what a decoy is, Mr. Shelton?

[George Shelton]

A decoy? Isn't it a.

[Harry McNaughton]

No, no, no. It's a sort of a. It's made of wood. Like a sort of something. You hold it.

[Lulu McConnell]

Yeah, yeah, like when you. It's round.

[Harry McNaughton]

No, no, it's really when you. If you.

[George Shelton]

Did you ever see a. Oh, sure, I know.

[Lulu McConnell]

Yeah, my old man said the same thing.

[George Shelton]

Yeah, I thought so, too.

[Tom Howard]

Wait a minute. What are you talking about?

[Harry McNaughton]

A decoy, Mr. Hard. A decoy. It's one of those.

[Tom Howard]

I know what it is. What? It's a. It looks like you set it in the water.

[George Shelton]

No, that's a sponge. A sponge?

[Lulu McConnell]

Ah, no, a sponge is a cake.

[Harry McNaughton]

Oh, no, no, no. It's not a cake. It's a decoy. It looks like. Has a shape, like. They fool you every time.

[George Shelton]

Yeah. And when you pick them up. Now, then there's the duck.

[Harry McNaughton]

Yes, the ducks, they think that they're not sure, do you See?

[George Shelton]

So you move to another place.

[Lulu McConnell]

But it's raining.

[Harry McNaughton]

Oh, in that case, you don'.

[Lulu McConnell]

Thank you.

[Tom Howard]

That was Nat Novick playing Rosalie. And very nice too. Nat, I mean, Rosalie, was. And now, have we another contestant?

[Ken Roberts]

Indeed we have, Mr. Howard and I should like to present to you now a very lovely young lady. She is Private First Class Shirley Coward of the Women's Army Corps.

[Tom Howard]

Oh, fine. Good evening, Ms. Coward, and welcome to it's Hay Theater. And thank you, Ms. Coward, for coming. Coming up. How do you feel, Ms. Gowers?

[Shirley Coward]

Fine, thank you. How are you?

[Tom Howard]

Well, fine, thank you. Thanks for asking. Where's your hometown? Would you care to tell us?

[Shirley Coward]

Albany, Georgia.

[Tom Howard]

Albany, Georgia. Well, what do you think of that? Albany, Georgia.

[George Shelton]

That's where the nightboat goes. See that?

[Tom Howard]

Albany, Georgia.

[Harry McNaughton]

Yeah.

[George Shelton]

Did they move it?

[Tom Howard]

Never mind. Please pay no attention to them. May I ask what are you doing in New York at this time, Ms. Cowart?

[Shirley Coward]

I'm on furlough. Just sightseeing.

[Tom Howard]

Oh, just sightseeing. Have you seen all the sights?

[Shirley Coward]

Well, practically.

[Tom Howard]

Did you see McConnell yet? Take a good look. That's something you don't see every now and then. Are you having a nice time?

[Shirley Coward]

Oh, very much so.

[Tom Howard]

Good.

[Harry McNaughton]

Ms. Coward. You know what a decoy is?

[Tom Howard]

Will you cut it out? Now don't get into that. Pay no attention to Ms. Cowardy. He happened to get out without his nurse this evening.

[Harry McNaughton]

Oh, no, no, she was with me.

[Tom Howard]

Uh huh.

[Harry McNaughton]

But she didn't hold my hand.

[Tom Howard]

Oh, I see you're improving. Yes, thank you. How long have you been in the service, Ms. Coward?

[Shirley Coward]

33 months.

[Tom Howard]

33 months. Well, congratulations. That's 12, 33 months.

[George Shelton]

She's a very nice looking girl, isn't she?

[Tom Howard]

Thank you.

[George Shelton]

I met a very nice girl last night.

[Harry McNaughton]

Oh, really? How did she strike you?

[George Shelton]

With the back of her hand.

[Tom Howard]

Pay no attention. Ms. Coward. Could I ask what is your work in the service?

[Shirley Coward]

I'm a photographer. Photographer in the service? You.

[Tom Howard]

Oh, I see. That's very interesting work. Positive or negative? Never mind. I used to go with a young girl, was a photographer. Very well developed. A very nice girl. How? I imagine the work is very interesting, isn't it?

[Shirley Coward]

Oh, very much so.

[Tom Howard]

I see. What'd you do before you entered the service?

[Shirley Coward]

I was a chemist for the Navy.

[Tom Howard]

A chemist for the Navy?

[Shirley Coward]

Yes.

[Tom Howard]

Oh, before you went into the service? Well, you were right in line. A chemist. And did you do that work in the. Oh, no. As a chemist for the Navy. What was your job? Just what did you do mix.

[Shirley Coward]

I worked with oils.

[Tom Howard]

Oils? What was the idea? To see if there was oil in the oil, I guess.

[Harry McNaughton]

No, Mr. Hart, my uncle was a chemist.

[Tom Howard]

Your what?

[Harry McNaughton]

My uncle was a chemist in the dye factory.

[George Shelton]

I grew up.

[Harry McNaughton]

He came out with flying colors.

[Tom Howard]

I, chemist in the dye factory.

[Harry McNaughton]

I think the lady's very, very charming. She's a very charming lady. Very delectable and very, very sweet.

[Tom Howard]

Hubba, hubba, hubba.

[Lulu McConnell]

Well, there's nothing like a pretty face.

[Tom Howard]

No. And yours is nothing like a pretty face.

[Lulu McConnell]

Is that so? For my beauty grows on one.

[Tom Howard]

I see. Well, I pity the one it grows on. Where did you do this work? For the Navy? Down in Albany, Georgia?

[Shirley Coward]

No, in Annapolis, Maryland.

[Tom Howard]

Oh, in Annapolis, Maryland. A very pretty little town. I've been there several times. Napoleon. That's where the Naval Academy is.

[Shirley Coward]

Yes, it is.

[Tom Howard]

And in mixing this stuff, you never got confused? I mean, you never mixed any sailors in with it or anything? Oh, no, no. Tell me something else. How long have you been in New York?

[Shirley Coward]

21 days.

[Tom Howard]

Oh, 21 days. Is this your first visit here? No, this isn't your first. Have you met any nice boys while you're here in New York?

[Shirley Coward]

Oh, I've met a lot of nice people.

[Tom Howard]

Nice people? You're kind of a fading equation. Now, we just gonna ask you how you compared the boys New York with the boys down in Albany, Georgia.

[Shirley Coward]

Well, I've never gone with a Southern boy, so I can't compare them.

[Tom Howard]

You never went with a Southern boy.

[George Shelton]

Where you all from? I'm from down at 20.

[Tom Howard]

Never mind where you are from. Well, we are very, very glad to have you with us, Ms. Gomer. Certainly has been a pleasure. Would you do us a favor and reach into the dunce gap there and pick a question now for us, please? If you don't buy.

[Shirley Coward]

In what year did the Blizzard of 1888 occur?

[Tom Howard]

Thank you. Very good question. In what year did the Blizzard of 1888 occur? Did you hear the question, Mr. Sheldon?

[George Shelton]

Yeah, but I don't get the drift

[Tom Howard]

of it starting already.

[Harry McNaughton]

Mr. Howell, would you mind repeating the question?

[Tom Howard]

I'll be glad to, Mr. McNaughton. In what year was the Blizzard of 1888?

[Harry McNaughton]

What time of the year did it happen?

[Tom Howard]

Mr. Howe, look, what do you mean, what time of year? I said the blizzard.

[Harry McNaughton]

Was it in the spring or in the summer or the autumn?

[Tom Howard]

I said blizzard. Don't you know what a blizzard is?

[Lulu McConnell]

That's the inside of a chicken, ain't it?

[George Shelton]

That's silly. That's the lizard she's talking about Mr. Howe.

[Harry McNaughton]

Did you say the blizzard of the Blizzard of 1888?

[Tom Howard]

I said the Blizzard of 1888.

[Harry McNaughton]

Tell me, was that the year we had snow?

[Tom Howard]

Mr. McNaughton, please, why don't you write yourself a threatening letter?

[Harry McNaughton]

Oh, I did, Mr. Howard. I wrote myself a letter yesterday.

[George Shelton]

Yeah?

[Tom Howard]

What'd you say to yourself?

[Harry McNaughton]

Oh, I don't know. I won't get it till tomorrow.

[Tom Howard]

I bet you can hardly wait. Yes, let's get on here. In what year did the Blizzard of 1888 occur? In 1888. What were you saying? Miss muttered?

[Lulu McConnell]

I remember that blizzard. Oh, yeah. It took me all day to shovel

[Tom Howard]

off our front porch.

[George Shelton]

Did you have a big porch?

[Tom Howard]

Yeah. She's got a big veranda, too. Mr. Shelton. Now, let's get on here. Can anybody answer the question?

[George Shelton]

I can't answer. I don't know what it's all. It's snow. Huh?

[Tom Howard]

Look. The Blizzard of 1888. What's snow with you now? Never mind what's snow with me. Can you tell me what year the Blizzard of 1888? I'm giving you a broad enough hint. Broad enough?

[Harry McNaughton]

Is it anything to do with the decoy?

[Tom Howard]

Ah, never mind, Johnny. Sounds pretty good this time.

[George Shelton]

I've been practicing.

[Tom Howard]

Maybe we got a new August. I like that. Let me sit down a minute. A stone got in my shoe. Don't commence your Lawson. I ain't done nothing to you. Yes, I'm a blacksmith, captain. What are you? And a good one, too. Me and my wife and Melly Nelly were just 16. She was the prettiest creature the valley had ever seen. One day a dog. Tall stranger. Young, handsome and tall.

[Harry McNaughton]

Give me a piece of ch.

[Lulu McConnell]

Oh.

[Tom Howard]

How did the ducks get into this thing?

[George Shelton]

That's where they started.

[Tom Howard]

Needs another nickel. That's terrible. I guess I better speak now for all of us and say good night for Lulu McConnell, George Sheldon, Harry McCarthy. Say good night for our service guests tuned in around the world experts.

[George Shelton]

Good night.

[Tom Howard]

Good night.

[Harry McNaughton]

Good night.

[Tom Howard]

That was especially for those who were brave enough to stay tuned in for this past half hour. This is Tom Howard inviting you to join us again next week and to hear what we mean when we say it pays to be ignorant.

[George Shelton]

To be dumb, to pretense. To be ignorant. It pays to be ignorant, just like me.

[Ken Roberts]

For the record, that's all. Be with with us again next week and hear it proven again by Tom Howard, Ludo McConnell, George Shelton and Harry McNaughton. That it pays to be ignorant. Ken Roberts speaking. This is the Armed Forces Radio.

[Tom Howard]

Sam. Foreign.

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[Tom Howard]

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[George Shelton]

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[Tom Howard]

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