It Pays To Be Ignorant xx-xx-xx What is a Revolver

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio – "It Pays To Be Ignorant: What is a Revolver"

Episode Overview

In this lively episode of "Harold's Old Time Radio," titled "It Pays To Be Ignorant: What is a Revolver," host Tom Howard engages with his eclectic panel of experts—Harry McNaughton, George Sheldon, Lulu McConnell, and Nat Novick—in a humorous quiz format that celebrates wit and playful ignorance. The episode, released on June 20, 2025, encapsulates the spirit of the Golden Age of Radio, featuring sharp banter, comedic exchanges, and entertaining trivia.

Panel Introduction and Initial Banter

The episode kicks off with Tom Howard introducing his panel, humorously underscoring their self-professed lack of expertise. At [01:14], Howard remarks, “We have a board of experts who are so dumb they think a steam fitter is a man who fits steam together.” This sets the tone for the episode, emphasizing the light-hearted and comedic nature of the show.

Opening Quiz Segment: "What is a Revolver?" and "What is a Wife?"

Howard begins the quiz with straightforward yet humorously answered questions. At [00:38], he asks, "What is a revolver?" to which Harry McNaughton responds with a tongue-in-cheek answer, “A sure cure for common colds” ([00:38]). Moving on, Howard poses, “What is a wife?” and McNaughton cleverly replies, “The bitter half” ([00:48]). These responses exemplify the show's blend of humor and unexpected answers.

The Village Blacksmith: A Poetic Challenge

A significant portion of the episode revolves around a poem titled "The Village Blacksmith," authored by Tom Howard himself. At [03:07], Howard asks the panel to interpret the occupation of the man mentioned in the poem. The ensuing discussion is filled with humorous misunderstandings and playful jabs. McNaughton attempts to answer with poetic flair, reciting lines like, “Under the spreading Chestnut tree” ([04:57]), but struggles to provide a clear vocational answer.

Howard persistently hammers in the question, leading to a comedic exchange where McNaughton finally quips, “Smitty” ([05:44]), only to be further mocked for the incorrect response. This segment highlights the panel's dynamic and the show's ability to turn a simple question into a comedic skirmish.

"Why Does a Fireman Wear Red Suspenders?" – A Running Gag

One of the recurring themes of the episode is the perplexing question, “Why does a fireman wear red suspenders?” Introduced at [09:33], the question becomes a centerpiece for ongoing jokes and misinterpretations. McNaughton diverges into a fabricated firefighting tale, complete with flames and dramatic rescues ([10:03]–[11:25]), only to be corrected by Howard who reveals it was an impersonation of a fireman.

Despite multiple attempts, the panel fails to provide a coherent answer, leading Howard to facetiously outline the obvious function of suspenders in a firefighting scenario. McNaughton’s final humorous attempt, “For the Same reason that a black cow eats green grass and gives white milk” ([12:43]), underscores the episode's playful embrace of ignorance.

Guest Interactions: Private First Class Irene Frey

The show introduces guest Private First Class Irene Frey ([15:25]), adding a new layer to the episode. Howard conducts a mock-serious interview, delving into her military background with exaggerated and humorous questions. At [16:37], Howard inquires about her service, leading to exaggerated patriotic affirmations and playful skepticism from McNaughton.

Frey’s earnest responses contrast with the panel’s comedic approach, creating a humorous dynamic. For example, when Frey mentions her service in the European campaign, McNaughton sarcastically responds, “Oh, my God” ([17:21]), highlighting the show's penchant for blending genuine interaction with humor.

Bowling and Comedic Anecdotes

Returning to the quiz format, the panel attempts to tackle sports-related questions, specifically about bowling. At [27:23], Howard asks, “In what game is a bowling ball used?” McNaughton shares a fabricated story about his bowling mishaps, including getting his thumb stuck in the ball ([28:26]). This segment is rife with puns and wordplay, such as calling bowling pins “Goldilocks and her three spares” ([29:16]).

Johnny, another panelist, adds to the humor by reminiscing about living near a bowling alley and making exaggerated statements about the noise levels and quirky experiences ([29:37]). These anecdotes serve to entertain listeners with relatable yet absurd humor.

Closing Banter and Teaser for Next Episode

As the episode draws to a close, Tom Howard wraps up the session with playful jabs at the panel's antics. At [30:45], he hints at the next special broadcast, “Pays to Be Ignorant in Carnegie Hall,” promising more of the show's signature humor and unexpected twists. The final exchange features McNaughton humorously conflating ignorance with foolishness: “It takes to be ignorant just like me” ([30:45]).

Notable Quotes

• Harry McNaughton: “A sure cure for common colds” ([00:38])
• Harry McNaughton: “The bitter half” ([00:48])
• Harry McNaughton: “Smitty” ([05:44])
• Harry McNaughton: “For the Same reason that a black cow eats green grass and gives white milk” ([12:43])
• Harry McNaughton: “Golden or … It’s just an Irish stool, you cluck” ([19:35])
• Harry McNaughton: “It takes to be ignorant just like me” ([30:45])

Conclusion

"It Pays To Be Ignorant: What is a Revolver" is a quintessential episode of "Harold's Old Time Radio," blending witty humor, playful incompetence, and engaging panel dynamics. Through a series of amusing questions and interactions, the show delivers entertainment reminiscent of classic radio comedy, making it a delightful listen for both long-time fans and newcomers alike.

Transcript

[Styles MacKenzie]

We interrupt this program to bring you an important Wayfair message. Wayfair's got style tips for every home. This is Styles MacKenzie helping you make those rooms sing. Today's style tip. When it comes to making a statement, treat bold patterns like neutrals. Go wild like an untamed animal. Print area rug under a rustic farmhouse table. From wayfair.com this has been your Wayfair style tip to keep those interiors superior.

[Johnny]

Wayfair.

[Tom Howard]

Every style. Every home. What is a revolver?

[Harry McNaughton]

A sure cure for common colds.

[Tom Howard]

Correct. Pay that landing dollar. What is a wife?

[Harry McNaughton]

The bitter half.

[Tom Howard]

The bitter half. Correct.

[Harry McNaughton]

Pay that man $9 because it pays to be ignorant.

[Nat Novick]

There's another half hour with radio's biggest collection of zanies, the incomparable wits, George Sheldon, Lulu McConnell and Harry McNaughton. Our Doctor of music, Nat Novick, and the man who sticks his neck out every week at this time, our moderator, Tom Howard.

[Johnny]

Thank you.

[Tom Howard]

Thank you, Johnny. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Well, once again we're here with that quiz program that has become an institution because that's where it belong. We have a board of experts who are so dumb they think a steam fitter is a man who fits steam together. First we have the celebrated author, Mr. Harry McNaughton, who has just written a book entitled Inside the Aquarium or A Fish Gets in My Eyes. But Here he is, Mr. Harry McPhorton.

[Harry McNaughton]

Thank you. I have a poem, Mr. Howe.

[Tom Howard]

I know.

[Harry McNaughton]

Yes. I kissed her in the garden. Twas a moonlight night. She was a marble statue and I was a little bit tight.

[Tom Howard]

I imagine.

[Harry McNaughton]

You know, her heart was made of stone.

[Tom Howard]

All right, So I took her for granted.

[Harry McNaughton]

You took her for granted.

[Tom Howard]

Next we have a woman who speaks for herself and anyone else who happens to be around. A woman with such large bags under her eyes. You think she's peeking at you out of a kangaroo's pouch? Here she is whispering. Lulu McConnell.

[Johnny]

You know, Ms. Howard, I went to my doctor over a month ago and he put me on a diet, and I don't seem to lose an ounce.

[Tom Howard]

Well, did you stick to the diet? Did you eat just what the doctor told you?

[Johnny]

Yes, I did.

[Tom Howard]

And you didn't eat anything else?

[Johnny]

Nothing good, except of my regular meal.

[Tom Howard]

Oh, well, we should. All right. Next we have a man who really should be hung. But he can't because he hasn't any hand. A man. A man who eats only a margarine, but alo, he has seen butter days. Here he is, George Cho.

[Harry McNaughton]

So you know, Ms. Todd, I was alone Last weekend. So I took a trip down to Coney island all by myself. And you know the funniest thing happened. Uh huh.

[Tom Howard]

What happened?

[Harry McNaughton]

I took a ride through the tunnel of love. And when I come out, I was engaged to top scientist.

[Tom Howard]

All right, now that you met the experts, folks, we'll get right along with tonight's questions. Here's the first question this evening. In the poem, the village blacksmith. Can you tell me the vocation of the man? The poem is about Mr. Howard, who wrote the poem. All right, never mind. We will just skip that.

[Harry McNaughton]

Skip it? Oh, shall we go on to the next.

[Tom Howard]

The next what?

[Harry McNaughton]

Next question.

[Tom Howard]

Well, wait a minute. We haven't tried to answer the first question yet.

[Harry McNaughton]

I thought you said we ought to skip it.

[Tom Howard]

I didn't say we should skip the question. I said just skip the writer of the poem.

[Harry McNaughton]

Why?

[Johnny]

Why, Mr. Howard?

[Tom Howard]

Ah, because that is not the question.

[Harry McNaughton]

All right, then what is the question? What do you keep his suspended?

[Tom Howard]

Ah, suspended. Very cute. In the form the village blacksmith. What is the vocation of the man mentioned in the poem?

[Johnny]

What is your vocation, Mr. Shelton?

[Tom Howard]

Oh, my vocation?

[Harry McNaughton]

Oh, the last two weeks in August.

[Tom Howard]

The last. Ah, no, that's nice. Nice vacation, you nitwit. Vacation?

[Johnny]

My old man and I spent our vacation in Atlantic city. The clerk of the hotel said to me, do you want twin beds? I said, don't be silly. Me and my old man ain't twins.

[Tom Howard]

No. That wouldn't be too obvious.

[Johnny]

No.

[Harry McNaughton]

You know.

[Johnny]

You know, I went up to the.

[Harry McNaughton]

Mountains for my vacation, but I had a terrible time getting a room. The clerk at the hotel said the only room he could give me was with an Indian. Are you sure he said Indian? Well, he said the only thing he had was a single room with running water.

[Tom Howard]

Running water. Very nice.

[Harry McNaughton]

He was the father of rain in the face.

[Johnny]

All right.

[Tom Howard]

Well, listen, you three drips. The question's not about vacations, about the pole, the village blacksmith.

[Harry McNaughton]

Oh, I know that poem. Mr. Harley goes. It was a farmish summer evening and a goodly crowd was there. That. Well, knife, bill shops, bar up at the corner of the square.

[Tom Howard]

That's the face on the bar room floor.

[Harry McNaughton]

Oh, no, no, no, no, Mr. Howard, no. The face on the bar room floor goes like this. Under the spreading Chestnut tree.

[Tom Howard]

Mr.

[Harry McNaughton]

Village. Look, look.

[Tom Howard]

That's the village blacksmith. Now, what was his occupation or his vocation? What was he doing under the chestnut tree?

[Harry McNaughton]

Begging chestnut he was.

[Tom Howard]

Mr. Sheldon, if you take real good care of yourself and get plenty of sleep and eat the Proper food. You have excellent chances of becoming an idiot. Yes.

[Harry McNaughton]

Oh, thank you, Mr. Hunter. I'll do my best.

[Tom Howard]

Yes. Start tomorrow.

[Harry McNaughton]

I'll start tonight.

[Tom Howard]

And we'd get back to the questions about a famous pole.

[Johnny]

How's the poem go again, Ms. McNaughton?

[Harry McNaughton]

Under the spraying chestnut tree the village smithy stands and stands and stands. No seats. You know, the man's got fallen arches. Ah.

[Johnny]

What's his name?

[Harry McNaughton]

Mr. McDonald told you his name. Smitty.

[Tom Howard]

Smitty. Yeah.

[Johnny]

Oh, I know man. His name was Smitty.

[Harry McNaughton]

Yeah. Was he standing on a Rochester tree?

[Johnny]

No, he was laying under a wallet table.

[Tom Howard]

Hey, Bet.

[Harry McNaughton]

I still like my poem best. It was a farmer's summer evening and a mister.

[Tom Howard]

Shout, please. Will you cut it out?

[Johnny]

I like that form, too. It reminds me of my old man.

[Harry McNaughton]

Oh, really? Does your old man recite the face on the bar room floor?

[Johnny]

No, but I've seen him laying on.

[Tom Howard]

It lots of times. Don't you know anybody that stands up on their face?

[Harry McNaughton]

Give me that piece of chalk with which you marked the baseball shoe. Chuck.

[Tom Howard]

Mr. Sheldon, I would like to give you a rope. Will you shut up?

[Harry McNaughton]

Go right ahead, Mr. Sheldon. It's beautiful. Another drink. With chalk in hand, the vagabond began and he drew the face that well might buy the soul of any man.

[Tom Howard]

Ah, Shakespeare. I love it. Shakespeare. Yes, you love it. Will you kindly come?

[Johnny]

I like Shakespeare, too.

[Tom Howard]

You like Shakespeare? He probably liked you a lot.

[Nicole Byer]

We interrupt this program to bring you an important Wayfarer message. Wayfair's got style tips for every home. This is Nicole Byer helping you make those rooms. Flyer today's style tip. When it comes to making a statement, treat bold patterns like neutrals go wild like an untamed animal. Print area rug under a rustic farmhouse table. From wayfair.com.

[Styles MacKenzie]

Ooh, ears.

[Nicole Byer]

This has been your Wayfarer style tip to keep those interiors superior.

[Johnny]

Wayfair.

[Tom Howard]

Every style, every home.

[Sam]

Sam.

[Tom Howard]

That was not Novik playing Rosalie. And very nice, too, Nat. I mean, Rosalie was. Now, here's the next question. Pay attention. Yes. Why does a fireman wear red suspenders?

[Harry McNaughton]

Why does a what wear what?

[Tom Howard]

No, not why does a what wear what? Why does a fireman wear red suspenders?

[Johnny]

What kind of a man. Mr. Helen.

[Tom Howard]

Fire. Fire. Fire.

[Harry McNaughton]

Say, we better get out of here.

[Tom Howard]

We better get out.

[Harry McNaughton]

Somebody's hollering fire.

[Tom Howard]

Believe Mr. Sheldon, that was me.

[Harry McNaughton]

You ain't. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. That's your race. What do you want to do, start a panic? A commotion, a stampede. You want to start trouble?

[Tom Howard]

Why don't you rent yourself out to a duck hunter as a decoy?

[Harry McNaughton]

My union won't let me.

[Tom Howard]

I don't blame them at that. The price is. Why does a fireman wear red suspenders? That's got me wondering, Mr. Cowell. It's just your mind that's wondering. Don't any of you know what a fireman is? Look, when there's a fire, who gets there first?

[Harry McNaughton]

Joseph Howard. I used to be a fireman. Ah, well, do I remember one fire I went to? It was a beautiful girl looking out of the window up on the 18th floor, waving her arms and screaming, help. Help. Help.

[Tom Howard]

Oh, you're an impersonator. Did I?

[Harry McNaughton]

I think.

[Tom Howard]

Pardon? I thought you were an impersonator. I was playing the lady. She was very good. I see.

[Harry McNaughton]

And did I run away like a coward?

[Tom Howard]

Yes. Yes.

[Harry McNaughton]

No. I rushed into the burning building, you see. Up the stairs, three steps at a time, maybe four steps, maybe five. What do I care for a couple of.

[Tom Howard]

No, no, no.

[Harry McNaughton]

So I reached the 17th floor. There were flames to the right of me, flames to the left of me. And into the valley of Death rose the 600. That was another fire, wasn't it? There I was trapped, blinded by smoke, my clothes in flames.

[Johnny]

Goodness.

[Harry McNaughton]

What happened was I burned up, Mr. Biggill.

[Johnny]

What became the young lady?

[Harry McNaughton]

Yeah, what young lady?

[Johnny]

You said there was a young lady on the 18th floor, but you only reached the 17th floor. How about the young lady on the 18th floor?

[Harry McNaughton]

Oh, that was another story.

[Tom Howard]

That was an, ah, brave. Well, let's get on with the question. Why does a fireman wear red suspenders?

[Johnny]

You know, my cousin Lucy married a fireman.

[Harry McNaughton]

She did? Volunteer.

[Johnny]

Volunteered?

[Harry McNaughton]

Yes.

[Johnny]

No, her father made him.

[Harry McNaughton]

You know, I passed a burning house the other day and the smoke was pouring out in volumes. It was the fire. Must have been in the library, I think.

[Tom Howard]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Johnny]

Down in our town we have a new fire engine and two dogs.

[Harry McNaughton]

Yeah, what's the two dogs for?

[Johnny]

They run ahead behind the fire plugs.

[Harry McNaughton]

Please answer the question. You know. You know, we have a combination fireplace and clothes closet built in our house. Well, what's the clothes closet and the fireplace for? So that the guests can hang their clothes up. Yeah, but don't the clothes burn? Not as good as coal. Then what can you expect, dummy?

[Tom Howard]

Mr. McNaughton, you get in my hair.

[Harry McNaughton]

No, you get in mine. There's more of it.

[Tom Howard]

Can anyone tell me why a fireman wears red suspenders?

[Harry McNaughton]

For the Same reason that a black cow eats green grass and gives white.

[Tom Howard]

Milk that makes yellow butter. We come to our contestants. While Mr. Roberts are getting the folks up here, we fill in that gap with our orchestra, an Auguster whose members have always played Bach. Bach of a saloon. Here he is, Dr. Novik. And the short ones without a hat. Dr. Novik.

[Sam]

Sam. It's. It's.

[Tom Howard]

Good afternoon, private events, and welcome to our program. How do you feel this evening, Private?

[Irene Frey]

Oh, I feel fine.

[Tom Howard]

Well, that's fine, sir. Where is your hometown? What? You can't tell it?

[Irene Frey]

Oh, I was born in Vienna, but lived in New York City.

[Tom Howard]

Oh, you were born in Vienna, Austria?

[Irene Frey]

Yes, sir.

[Tom Howard]

Oh, that's marvelous.

[Harry McNaughton]

Vienna, Austria.

[Tom Howard]

Vienna all the way with the.

[Harry McNaughton]

Oh, my God.

[Johnny]

Vienna.

[Harry McNaughton]

Well, waltz me around and make me dizzy.

[Tom Howard]

Oh, yeah, you're already dizzy.

[Harry McNaughton]

I used to work in that, I imagine. Yeah, I was a shovel maker in a playing card factory. You, you were a shovel maker in.

[Tom Howard]

A playing card factory?

[Harry McNaughton]

We used to make all the spades young.

[Sam]

Well, someone.

[Harry McNaughton]

Someone should beat you over the head.

[Tom Howard]

With a club for that one.

[Harry McNaughton]

Oh, Mr. H, you're quite a card.

[Tom Howard]

And quite a card. You can both go to the deuce.

[Harry McNaughton]

Oh, cut it out.

[Johnny]

Come on, let's shuffle along.

[Tom Howard]

Would you cut it out, please? Pay no attention to them, Private. We're glad to have you with us. I said before. And you were born Indiana? Austria. That is marvelous. How long have you been over here?

[Irene Frey]

Oh, four years.

[Tom Howard]

Only four years? Well, tell me, this is very in Vienna. Were you in the. In the German army by any chance?

[Irene Frey]

Well, I was two years in the Hitler U. And then I was inducted in the German army.

[Tom Howard]

You were inducted in the German army? I take it that you were forced into the German army. Now, how did you get out of the German army? You managed to escape or something?

[Irene Frey]

That's right. My uncle got me out.

[Tom Howard]

Oh, got and got you over here?

[Harry McNaughton]

That's right.

[Tom Howard]

And then you were. You got in our army?

[Irene Frey]

That's right. I enlisted in the American army.

[Tom Howard]

Isn't that great? And I noticed you got some service tribes. I take it as you've been overseas then?

[Irene Frey]

Yes, sir. I have. The European campaign with five battle stars, Purple heart.

[Tom Howard]

So you went back to Germany and fought the Germans.

[Sam]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Howard]

Well, I know, I know from that attitude you are. If you're not already, you are going to be an American.

[Irene Frey]

I am already.

[Tom Howard]

You are already. Good for you, my boy.

[Sam]

That's right.

[Tom Howard]

You certainly knew what side you were fighting for. What did you expect to do after you get out of the service?

[Irene Frey]

Oh, I expect to go back to college.

[Tom Howard]

Back to college. Well, I hope when you get out, you'll get a very successful position or job someplace.

[Harry McNaughton]

Oh, you won't have much trouble. I don't know. I remember after the last four months you have a bit of trouble getting a job. Where'd you work?

[Tom Howard]

Where did you work?

[Harry McNaughton]

I got a job in a dry cleaning shop. Dry cleaning? Shot Was the white, hard, only in spots. Never mind.

[Tom Howard]

Somebody ought to put you through the wringer for that.

[Harry McNaughton]

Get on here.

[Tom Howard]

As I said, Otto, we are certainly very glad to have you with us.

[Johnny]

We sure are. What's your first name?

[Nicole Byer]

Otto.

[Tom Howard]

What's your first name? Otto.

[Sam]

He's a cute kid, ain't he?

[Tom Howard]

He's a very nice looking boy.

[Johnny]

Oh, he's better than that. He's swell. He's cute. He's cute, all right. I love to hug you.

[Tom Howard]

Yeah.

[Johnny]

Oh, boy, would I love to hug you. The pressure would be all mine.

[Tom Howard]

The pressure. The pressure would be all ours.

[Johnny]

You can just call me referee. Yeah, I'm good in the clinching.

[Harry McNaughton]

You're good in the clinching.

[Tom Howard]

Yes.

[Harry McNaughton]

And you've been through the ropes too.

[Tom Howard]

Private, will you reach into the dunce cap and pick a question first, please? And when you get one, would you be getting enough to read it? Just take your time and read it right into the microphone.

[Irene Frey]

From what kind of mine do we.

[Harry McNaughton]

Get gold ore. That's very nice. From what kind of mine do we get gold ore?

[Tom Howard]

Gold or what?

[Harry McNaughton]

Gold or.

[Tom Howard]

What do you mean gold or what?

[Johnny]

What is it? Gold or silver?

[Harry McNaughton]

Copper. Bread.

[Johnny]

Ner Dimension.

[Harry McNaughton]

Tea or coffee? Lemon and cream of pie.

[Johnny]

Ah, all right, all right.

[Harry McNaughton]

It's just an Irish stool, you cluck.

[Tom Howard]

Yo, let's get out of there.

[Harry McNaughton]

Don't you call me a clucker.

[Tom Howard]

An Irish stool. I talked about gold.

[Harry McNaughton]

Ar. Gold or what? Just gold or.

[Johnny]

Oh, come, come now, Mr. Howard.

[Harry McNaughton]

You can't leave a sentence hanging up.

[Tom Howard]

In the air like that.

[Harry McNaughton]

Gold or. Let's finish the sentence, old boy.

[Tom Howard]

Mr. Bigfoot, does insanity run in your family?

[Harry McNaughton]

Oh, dear, no. It walks. Look, there are different kinds of gold, silver, iron, wood.

[Tom Howard]

Wood and.

[Harry McNaughton]

What do you mean, wood? There are no wood ores. What are you talking about? How do you spe. Suppose I roll my boat? You don't think I use iron moist, do you?

[Sam]

So, can you row a boat?

[Harry McNaughton]

Sure, I can row a boat.

[Johnny]

Canoe.

[Tom Howard]

Get up. That is the worst cat. Remember my grandfather telling me that. Joe, look, before we get gold, we got to get The Oregon gold is a mineral.

[Johnny]

I thought it was a vegetable.

[Tom Howard]

It is not a vegetable. Now, you take 18 carat gold. Well, the carrot is the vegetable.

[Johnny]

The carrot shrinks ahead.

[Tom Howard]

I'm not talking about those kind of carrots. The miner goes down into the mine and he strikes a vein. Sometimes the veins are very close together.

[Johnny]

Like my sister.

[Tom Howard]

Like her. What do you mean, like your sister?

[Johnny]

She has very close veins.

[Harry McNaughton]

No, the R. The R is taken to the smelter. What does he do? Smelt it in.

[Tom Howard]

Mr. Sheldon. Mr. Sheldon, how old are you? 42.

[Johnny]

No.

[Tom Howard]

No, you couldn't be. You couldn't be that dumb.

[Harry McNaughton]

In 42 years, all right, maybe 43. What are you gonna do, make a.

[Johnny]

Liar out of me for a year?

[Tom Howard]

Not Mr. McGot. Can you tell me where they get gold?

[Harry McNaughton]

No, I can't. I'm sorry, Mr. Howard. If I knew, I'd get some myself.

[Tom Howard]

You don't know Mr. Shel.

[Harry McNaughton]

I certainly do.

[Tom Howard]

You get gold out in Iowa. Iowa?

[Harry McNaughton]

In Des Moines. In Des Moines.

[Tom Howard]

Be ashamed of you.

[Johnny]

My old man used to work in Des Moines. He worked hard too. He works 16 hours a day.

[Tom Howard]

No, no. Union hours are eight hours a day.

[Johnny]

He belongs to two UN.

[Tom Howard]

I thought they rang out and he said.

[Sam]

It'S. It's Sam.

[Harry McNaughton]

After that.

[Tom Howard]

After that. I'm surprised to still see people in the theater. Really? Throw us our next guest, please.

[Nat Novick]

Our next guest, Mr. Howard, is a very attractive, very lovely and charming young lady. Private First Class Irene Frey of the United States Marines.

[Sam]

Good, nice little girl.

[Tom Howard]

Good evening, Ms. Frey. We're glad to see you. How do you feel this evening, Ms. Bray?

[Harry McNaughton]

I think.

[Tom Howard]

Well, that's fine. Where's your hometown? Would you care to mention Riverdale, New York? Riverdale, New York? Oh, yes. Very cute place, Riverdale.

[Harry McNaughton]

Oh, rather. Riverdale. Very beautiful town, if I may say so. I've been there. I remember one day I was walking down the street, something got in my eye.

[Johnny]

What did you do?

[Harry McNaughton]

I followed it.

[Tom Howard]

Please.

[Harry McNaughton]

You know, I went to see my girl last Wednesday night. I gave a kid brother $0.50 not to pee.

[Johnny]

Did he peek?

[Harry McNaughton]

Sure. He sent it for so Dell. He gave me two bits back.

[Tom Howard]

Well, we're very glad to have you with us. And Riverdale is a very nice place. I have to know, because I was up there several times. One time I went up there to buy a house. I wasn't very successful because there were restrictions in the place, so I didn't make out so well. So we're very glad to have you with us. What are you doing in New York?

[Harry McNaughton]

I'm on 10 day.

[Tom Howard]

You're on a 10 day furlough? Fine. I hope you're enjoying. Are you having a nice time? Yes, I'm having a nice good. What you do before you enter the service? I work for the ymca. In. For the ymca In Riverdale?

[Johnny]

No, in New York.

[Tom Howard]

Oh, in New York. Oh, then you know New York quite well. What do you expect to do when you get out of service? Go back to Riverdale?

[Harry McNaughton]

I hope to get married.

[Tom Howard]

You hope to get married?

[Harry McNaughton]

After all the war she's been in, she's going to get married?

[Tom Howard]

Yes, ma' am. Well, I, I, I don't think you're going to have a bit of trouble, I'll tell you that right now.

[Harry McNaughton]

What do you know?

[Tom Howard]

Too bad I ain't younger. Is it Mr. Sheldon after all?

[Harry McNaughton]

You know, Ms. Frey is getting ready for the fray. Ah, fuck. I just made it up on the spur of the moment.

[Tom Howard]

Let's get on it.

[Harry McNaughton]

Paper.

[Johnny]

Well, I bet you girls are good and glad to get back in civilian clothes again. I bet you. You know, my old man's gonna buy me a saber coat this winter.

[Tom Howard]

Your old man's gonna buy you a sable clown.

[Harry McNaughton]

Really? Huh?

[Johnny]

Mr. Howard, you think I look good in a sable?

[Tom Howard]

Yes, I do, Ms. Mc.

[Johnny]

You really think I look good in a sable?

[Tom Howard]

I said I think you look good in a. Did you say sable? Oh, pardon me. I thought you said sable.

[Johnny]

Shut up, you oldie cake. Pump handle, please.

[Tom Howard]

Ms. Ray, will you reach into the dunge cap there and pick out a question for us, please? And will you reach the question? In what game is a bowling ball used? In what game is a bowling ball used? Is that right? The question's about sports.

[Harry McNaughton]

Oh, about sports. You know, I went bowling last night, Mr. Howard. I can hardly move today. I got rather stiff in the joints.

[Johnny]

Well, you should stay out of the joints.

[Harry McNaughton]

There's one game I like, boss. I just started bowling and I'm a little green yet.

[Johnny]

I have relatives there.

[Tom Howard]

You have relatives? Where?

[Harry McNaughton]

Bowling Green.

[Tom Howard]

Bowling Green?

[Johnny]

Down in Kentucky.

[Tom Howard]

Yeah. Yeah. All right.

[Johnny]

Near the Tennessee border.

[Tom Howard]

All right, I.

[Johnny]

Right across. All right, Ms. McConnell.

[Tom Howard]

I don't expect me going down there in the new. You don't tell me about it.

[Harry McNaughton]

Oh, we have a beautiful Tennessee border living in our house. I thought that was just an ugly room. I just.

[Tom Howard]

Well, you. Please, let's get on there.

[Harry McNaughton]

Well, let's get on there.

[Tom Howard]

Mr. Sheldon, you said you've done some bowling. Did you make a strike yet?

[Harry McNaughton]

Oh, sure, that's how I met the pitch.

[Tom Howard]

Well, what do you mean, that's how you met the pin boy?

[Harry McNaughton]

Well, I picked up one of those 16 pound balls and threw it down the alley.

[Tom Howard]

But how did you meet the pin boy?

[Harry McNaughton]

My thumb got stuck in the ball.

[Johnny]

I went down the alley with it.

[Harry McNaughton]

Right on the beam.

[Tom Howard]

Right on the beam.

[Johnny]

That's a new name for it, all right.

[Harry McNaughton]

I say, you must have hurt your dignity. I sure did. I had to get a new pair of trousers. You had to get a new pair of trousers? I'm blowing my British behind me.

[Tom Howard]

Thank you, Mr. Sheldon. Look, you all seem to know a little bit about bowling, so try and answer the question.

[Harry McNaughton]

I know something about bowling. I saw a young lady bowling the other evening. She was wonderful. She had a beautiful curve. You know, she was a beautiful blonde, too.

[Tom Howard]

She was? Yeah.

[Harry McNaughton]

She made three spares in a row. Made three spares. What was her name? Well, they called her Goldilocks. Yeah, Goldilocks and her three spares.

[Tom Howard]

Goldilocks.

[Harry McNaughton]

Three spares. You always thought that was bad.

[Tom Howard]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, reached a little bit there.

[Johnny]

I used to live right next door to Bowling Alley.

[Harry McNaughton]

You did?

[Johnny]

Yes.

[Harry McNaughton]

Was it noisy?

[Johnny]

Noisy? No, you could hear a pin drop.

[Tom Howard]

You could hear it.

[Harry McNaughton]

Not a pin drop.

[Tom Howard]

Now, don't push it on. There he go.

[Harry McNaughton]

Oh, here, a pin. I don't get it.

[Tom Howard]

Well, that's about all on tonight's session, folks. We'll be around your way. Again. This time next week we'd like to have you Listen, another thing that might seem hard to believe. It Pays to Be Ignorant will be a special broadcast. What Are Things Coming To? Pays to Be Ignored in Carnegie Hall. Now here is that sweet singer from the swamps who used to sing Chloe, but she never answered him. Here he is to tell you just what we mean when we say it.

[Harry McNaughton]

Takes to be ignorant to be dumb, to bedent, to be ignorant. It takes to be ignorant just like me. It.