Podcast Summary

Harold's Old Time Radio – "It Pays To Be Ignorant: Why Are Women Like The Ocean"

Original Air Date: September 19, 2025
Host: Tom Howard
Panelists: Lulu McConnell, George Shelton, Harry McNaughton
Featured Guests: Private Richard Finnegan (82nd Airborne Division), Private First Class Shirley Coward (Women's Army Corps)
Theme: Vintage comedy quiz show satirizing intellectual panel shows, celebrated for its intentionally silly humor and zany banter.

1. Episode Overview

This lively episode of "It Pays To Be Ignorant" delivers its trademark brand of absurdist wit, centering on farcical quiz questions, playful insults among the regular cast, and unrelenting puns. The show's unique charm lies in its panelists' deliberate misunderstanding of simple questions, all delivered in a rapid-fire, vaudevillian style. In this episode, the jokes often focus on puns about language, playful gender stereotypes, and classic slapstick exchanges, while also showcasing two service member guests who engage in the quiz and comic banter.

2. Key Discussion Points & Notable Segments

Opening Gags and Introductions

• Opening Gag:
  • The very first quip sets the tone:
    • Q: "Why are women like the ocean?"
    • A: "Because they never dry up."
    • (00:36–00:40)
• Self-Deprecating Introductions:
  • Tom Howard introduces his "board of experts," jesting about their intellectual prowess:
    • “We have a board of experts who are so dumb they think Ohio discovered America and his first name was Columbus.” (01:20)
• Panel Introductions:
  • Harry McNaughton:
    Delivers a poem:
    • “A boy sat on the Brooklyn Bridge. He knew he hadn't ought to. He took his shoes and stockings off and his feet were in the water.”
    • “Longfellow.”
    • “Quite a feat, you know.” (01:54–02:09)
  • Lulu McConnell:
    Shares a hitchhiking story that ends in a joke about going south to Mexico, riffing on military lingo. (02:26–02:40)
  • George Shelton:
    Delivers a rapid-fire routine around eating "baloney" every Saturday night and calling it “the baloney-est night of the week.” (03:08–03:23)

The Quiz and Panel Banter

• First Question: Who made the first American flag?
  Panelists spiral off-topic into puns about Adam and Eve, renting the "Betsy Ross house," and properties:
  • “Adam? Adam? No, that's wrong. It was a woman.” (03:32–03:44)
  • Prolonged property jokes—“Is the house for rent, Mr. Howard?” “How much are the taxes?” “Is it near a bus?”—showcase their refusal to stay on topic (04:11–05:05)
  • Answer revealed: Betsy Ross (06:01)
  • Mistaken guess: “Fannie Farmer.” (06:05)
• Second Question: What is a bread knife used for?
  • Lulu: “We never use bread in our house. We use nothing but toast.”
    George: “Boy, she's got a lot of crust for that, ain't she, huh?” (06:54–07:02)
  • Harry runs with puns on "dough,” “upper crust,” and being a “loafer.” (07:13–07:22)
  • Panel gives nonsensical answers about knives for mashed potatoes and using a fork to “put the mashed potatoes on the knife… to keep the peas from slipping off.” (08:27–08:38)
• Services' Members as Contestants
  • Private Richard Finnegan (11:27–15:00)
    Talks about his service (82nd Airborne), experience in New York, and his schooling in Andover, Mass, which gets twisted into a joke about “handing over” a watch.
    Lulu flirts—“Oh, that's a loving name, Richard. I just love that name.” (14:12)
  • Finnegan’s Question:
    • "What animal do they shoot with an elephant gun?"
    • Panel explodes in wordplay: “I never knew elephants carried guns.” (15:07)
    • “That's why they have such big trunks. Yes, they carry the guns in the trunk.” (15:12)
    • A running gag about decoy ducks, sponges, and cakes continues through this segment, illustrating the cast’s penchant for derailing logic (17:27–19:01).
  • Private First Class Shirley Coward (21:26–25:26)
    Shares she’s from Albany, Georgia; is a photographer in the Women’s Army Corps and formerly a navy chemist working with oils.
    • Howard: “Positive or negative? Never mind. I used to go with a young girl, was a photographer. Very well developed. A very nice girl.” (23:02–23:24)
    • Exchanges about “never dating a Southern boy” and “where you all from?” continue the Southern stereotype jokes (25:04–25:13).
  • Coward’s Question:
    • “In what year did the Blizzard of 1888 occur?”
    • The panel feigns ignorance:
      • George: “Yeah, but I don't get the drift of it." (25:37)
      • Harry: “Was that the year we had snow?” (26:16)
      • Lulu: “That's the inside of a chicken, ain't it?” (26:00)
      • George: “That's the lizard she's talking about.” (26:05)
      • The answer is, simply and comically, 1888.

3. Notable Quotes & Moments

• Panel Self-Deprecation:
  • Tom Howard: “This is that quiz program designed for cylinder heads. If you like sophisticated humor, we haven't got it. But if you like laughs that come from the stomach, stick around and hold it.” (01:17)
• Playful Insult Comedy:
  • “Ms. McConnell, why don't you get yourself another idiot and settle down?” – Tom Howard (05:38)
  • Lulu McConnell: “Why, Mr. Howard, I didn't think you cared.” (05:43)
• Classic Running Gags:
  • “Boy, she's got a lot of crust for that, ain't she?” – George Shelton (07:02)
  • “What do you use a fork for?”
    “To put the mashed potatoes on the knife.”
    “Why do you put the mashed potatoes on the knife?”
    “To keep the peas from slipping off.” (08:27–08:38)
• Guest Banter:
  • Howard (to Coward): “Positive or negative? Never mind. I used to go with a young girl, was a photographer. Very well developed. A very nice girl.” (23:02–23:24)
• Wordplay and Puns:
  • Panelists confuse "decoy," "sponge," and "cake" in a running joke about duck hunting (17:58–19:01).
  • Questions are twisted for laughs:
    • “What time of the year did it [blizzard of 1888] happen?” – Harry McNaughton (25:49)
    • “That's the inside of a chicken, ain't it?” – Lulu McConnell (26:00)

4. Episode Structure & Timestamps

• [00:36–03:23] – Opening gags & introductions
• [03:24–08:38] – Panel quiz questions and offbeat answers (“Who made the first American flag?” and “What is a bread knife used for?”)
• [11:27–15:00] – Private Finnegan’s introduction and quiz segment (elephant gun question)
• [21:26–26:16] – Private Coward’s introduction and quiz segment (blizzard of 1888)
• [25:37–27:12] – Banter continues around the blizzard question
• [29:44–30:23] – Final farewells and closing jokes

5. Flow & Tone

The tone is gleefully silly, with each panelist embracing their role as a professional dunce. Banter is filled with era-appropriate double entendres, good-natured jabs, and elaborate pun set-ups—never failing to pursue each misunderstanding to its limit. Playful flirtation, especially from Lulu, and affectionate ribbing between longtime cast members, keeps the energy high and the format comfortably familiar for fans of vintage radio comedy.

In summary:
This episode is a vivid time capsule of postwar American humor, lampooning the quiz show format and inviting listeners to revel in comic ignorance. The guests from the armed services are treated with warmth and respect, while the regulars plunge headlong into comic absurdity. Classic jokes, lightning-quick puns, and an endless appetite for outlandish misunderstandings ensure "It Pays To Be Ignorant" lives up to its name—delighting anyone looking for a hearty, old-fashioned laugh.