It Pays To Be Ignorant xx-xx-xx Why Are Women Like The Ocean

Summary

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Podcast Summary

Harold's Old Time Radio – "It Pays To Be Ignorant: Why Are Women Like The Ocean"

Original Air Date: September 19, 2025
Host: Tom Howard
Panelists: Lulu McConnell, George Shelton, Harry McNaughton
Featured Guests: Private Richard Finnegan (82nd Airborne Division), Private First Class Shirley Coward (Women's Army Corps)
Theme: Vintage comedy quiz show satirizing intellectual panel shows, celebrated for its intentionally silly humor and zany banter.

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1. Episode Overview

This lively episode of "It Pays To Be Ignorant" delivers its trademark brand of absurdist wit, centering on farcical quiz questions, playful insults among the regular cast, and unrelenting puns. The show's unique charm lies in its panelists' deliberate misunderstanding of simple questions, all delivered in a rapid-fire, vaudevillian style. In this episode, the jokes often focus on puns about language, playful gender stereotypes, and classic slapstick exchanges, while also showcasing two service member guests who engage in the quiz and comic banter.

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2. Key Discussion Points & Notable Segments

Opening Gags and Introductions

• Opening Gag:
  • The very first quip sets the tone:
    • Q: "Why are women like the ocean?"
    • A: "Because they never dry up."
    • (00:36–00:40)
• Self-Deprecating Introductions:
  • Tom Howard introduces his "board of experts," jesting about their intellectual prowess:
    • “We have a board of experts who are so dumb they think Ohio discovered America and his first name was Columbus.” (01:20)
• Panel Introductions:
  • Harry McNaughton:
    Delivers a poem:
    • “A boy sat on the Brooklyn Bridge. He knew he hadn't ought to. He took his shoes and stockings off and his feet were in the water.”
    • “Longfellow.”
    • “Quite a feat, you know.” (01:54–02:09)
  • Lulu McConnell:
    Shares a hitchhiking story that ends in a joke about going south to Mexico, riffing on military lingo. (02:26–02:40)
  • George Shelton:
    Delivers a rapid-fire routine around eating "baloney" every Saturday night and calling it “the baloney-est night of the week.” (03:08–03:23)

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The Quiz and Panel Banter

• First Question: Who made the first American flag?
  Panelists spiral off-topic into puns about Adam and Eve, renting the "Betsy Ross house," and properties:
  • “Adam? Adam? No, that's wrong. It was a woman.” (03:32–03:44)
  • Prolonged property jokes—“Is the house for rent, Mr. Howard?” “How much are the taxes?” “Is it near a bus?”—showcase their refusal to stay on topic (04:11–05:05)
  • Answer revealed: Betsy Ross (06:01)
  • Mistaken guess: “Fannie Farmer.” (06:05)
• Second Question: What is a bread knife used for?
  • Lulu: “We never use bread in our house. We use nothing but toast.”
    George: “Boy, she's got a lot of crust for that, ain't she, huh?” (06:54–07:02)
  • Harry runs with puns on "dough,” “upper crust,” and being a “loafer.” (07:13–07:22)
  • Panel gives nonsensical answers about knives for mashed potatoes and using a fork to “put the mashed potatoes on the knife… to keep the peas from slipping off.” (08:27–08:38)
• Services' Members as Contestants
  • Private Richard Finnegan (11:27–15:00)
    Talks about his service (82nd Airborne), experience in New York, and his schooling in Andover, Mass, which gets twisted into a joke about “handing over” a watch.
    Lulu flirts—“Oh, that's a loving name, Richard. I just love that name.” (14:12)
  • Finnegan’s Question:
    • "What animal do they shoot with an elephant gun?"
    • Panel explodes in wordplay: “I never knew elephants carried guns.” (15:07)
    • “That's why they have such big trunks. Yes, they carry the guns in the trunk.” (15:12)
    • A running gag about decoy ducks, sponges, and cakes continues through this segment, illustrating the cast’s penchant for derailing logic (17:27–19:01).
  • Private First Class Shirley Coward (21:26–25:26)
    Shares she’s from Albany, Georgia; is a photographer in the Women’s Army Corps and formerly a navy chemist working with oils.
    • Howard: “Positive or negative? Never mind. I used to go with a young girl, was a photographer. Very well developed. A very nice girl.” (23:02–23:24)
    • Exchanges about “never dating a Southern boy” and “where you all from?” continue the Southern stereotype jokes (25:04–25:13).
  • Coward’s Question:
    • “In what year did the Blizzard of 1888 occur?”
    • The panel feigns ignorance:
      • George: “Yeah, but I don't get the drift of it." (25:37)
      • Harry: “Was that the year we had snow?” (26:16)
      • Lulu: “That's the inside of a chicken, ain't it?” (26:00)
      • George: “That's the lizard she's talking about.” (26:05)
      • The answer is, simply and comically, 1888.

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3. Notable Quotes & Moments

• Panel Self-Deprecation:
  • Tom Howard: “This is that quiz program designed for cylinder heads. If you like sophisticated humor, we haven't got it. But if you like laughs that come from the stomach, stick around and hold it.” (01:17)
• Playful Insult Comedy:
  • “Ms. McConnell, why don't you get yourself another idiot and settle down?” – Tom Howard (05:38)
  • Lulu McConnell: “Why, Mr. Howard, I didn't think you cared.” (05:43)
• Classic Running Gags:
  • “Boy, she's got a lot of crust for that, ain't she?” – George Shelton (07:02)
  • “What do you use a fork for?”
    “To put the mashed potatoes on the knife.”
    “Why do you put the mashed potatoes on the knife?”
    “To keep the peas from slipping off.” (08:27–08:38)
• Guest Banter:
  • Howard (to Coward): “Positive or negative? Never mind. I used to go with a young girl, was a photographer. Very well developed. A very nice girl.” (23:02–23:24)
• Wordplay and Puns:
  • Panelists confuse "decoy," "sponge," and "cake" in a running joke about duck hunting (17:58–19:01).
  • Questions are twisted for laughs:
    • “What time of the year did it [blizzard of 1888] happen?” – Harry McNaughton (25:49)
    • “That's the inside of a chicken, ain't it?” – Lulu McConnell (26:00)

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4. Episode Structure & Timestamps

• [00:36–03:23] – Opening gags & introductions
• [03:24–08:38] – Panel quiz questions and offbeat answers (“Who made the first American flag?” and “What is a bread knife used for?”)
• [11:27–15:00] – Private Finnegan’s introduction and quiz segment (elephant gun question)
• [21:26–26:16] – Private Coward’s introduction and quiz segment (blizzard of 1888)
• [25:37–27:12] – Banter continues around the blizzard question
• [29:44–30:23] – Final farewells and closing jokes

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5. Flow & Tone

The tone is gleefully silly, with each panelist embracing their role as a professional dunce. Banter is filled with era-appropriate double entendres, good-natured jabs, and elaborate pun set-ups—never failing to pursue each misunderstanding to its limit. Playful flirtation, especially from Lulu, and affectionate ribbing between longtime cast members, keeps the energy high and the format comfortably familiar for fans of vintage radio comedy.

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In summary:
This episode is a vivid time capsule of postwar American humor, lampooning the quiz show format and inviting listeners to revel in comic ignorance. The guests from the armed services are treated with warmth and respect, while the regulars plunge headlong into comic absurdity. Classic jokes, lightning-quick puns, and an endless appetite for outlandish misunderstandings ensure "It Pays To Be Ignorant" lives up to its name—delighting anyone looking for a hearty, old-fashioned laugh.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Why are women like the ocean?

[C]

Because they never dry up.

[B]

Correct. Pay that man $8. Why doesn't a regular soldier sit down?

[C]

Because he belongs to the standing army.

[B]

Correct. Pay that man $9.

[D]

Because it pays to be ignorant. As living proof to all you service men and women listening in over there that it does pay to be ignorant. Here's another half hour with radio's biggest collection of zanies, the incomparable wits, George Shelton, Lulu McConnell and Harry McNaughton. Our Doctor of music, Nat Novick, and the man who sticks his neck out every week at this time, our moderator, Tom Howard.

[B]

There you go. Thank you, Ken Roberts. And good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and here we are again with that quiz program designed for cylinder heads. If you like sophisticated humor, we haven't got it. But if you like laughs that come from the stomach, stick around and hold it. We have a board of experts. We have a board of experts who are so dumb they think Ohio discovered America and his first name was Columbus. Whereas we have the celebrated author, Mr. Hye McNaughton, who has just written a book entitled the Return of Rubber for Girdles, or they were expandable. But Here he is, Mr. Harry McNaughton. Thank you.

[E]

I have a poem, Mr. Howe.

[B]

I know. Yes.

[E]

A boy sat on the Brooklyn Bridge. He knew he hadn't ought to. He took his shoes and stockings off and his feet were in the water.

[B]

Very good.

[E]

Longfellow.

[B]

Longfellow.

[E]

Quite a feat, you know.

[B]

Yeah, quite a feat. Well, don't stretch it. Let's get on here. Next we have a woman who was the cream of society, but she curdled a woman. A woman whose name may not be in who's who, but whose picture is in what's this? Here she is, Ms. Lulu McConnell.

[F]

You know, Mr. Howard, I tried to hitchhike a ride to the studio today.

[B]

Oh, you were hitchhiking?

[F]

Uh huh.

[B]

Yes.

[F]

And the car stopped and there was the nicest lieutenant in it. And he said to me, are you going south? I said, yes. He said, well, give my regards to Mexico.

[B]

All right. Very nice.

[F]

If I had gotten my hands on that lieutenant, I'd have Made a buck.

[B]

Private out of it. I see. You would have voted him. All right, let's get on here. Next we have a man, ladies and gentlemen. Next we have a man who was so dumb he played hooky from school on George Washington's birthday. A man who up to a few weeks ago was living the life of Riley. But Riley came home. Here he is, Mr. George Shelton.

[C]

Say, you know, mister, I've got to change my boarding house.

[B]

You do? Yeah.

[C]

Every Saturday night we have nothing but baloney for dinner.

[B]

Baloney.

[C]

Every Saturday night it's baloney. Baloney, baloney.

[B]

I see.

[C]

It's getting so Sunday night is the baloney est night in the week.

[B]

All right, now that you met the experts, we'll get right along with the first question. Here it is. Can any of you tell me. Can any of you tell me who made the first American flag?

[C]

I can, Mr. Howard.

[B]

Good. Adam. Adam? No, that's wrong. It was a woman.

[C]

Well, what are you talking about? Adam wasn't a woman.

[B]

Wait a minute.

[C]

His wife was a woman, though.

[E]

Well, Maybe it was Mrs. Adam.

[B]

No, no, wait a minute. You got the wrong slant. Adam did not make the first American flag. Certainly not.

[F]

He made the first hat.

[B]

The first hat?

[E]

Oh, yes. Adam's hat. Yes. I never thought of that. Oh, you're wonderful, Ms. McConnell.

[F]

Oh, I know a thing or two. Yeah, I'm smart.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

I'm not just a glamour girl.

[B]

No, you're not just a girl either. Who made the first American flag. She lived in Philadelphia in a house on Arch Street.

[E]

Mr. Hodde, does she still live there?

[B]

No, no, Mr. McNaughton, she's not living today.

[F]

That's too bad. Is the house for rent, Mr. Howard?

[B]

Ah, wait a minute.

[F]

We can't find a house any place.

[B]

All right, let's get on here.

[E]

How many rooms has the house got, Mr. Howard?

[B]

I don't know how many rooms. It's a very small house.

[F]

Well, are you sure they don't want to rent it, Mr. Howard?

[B]

They don't want to rent it.

[C]

How do you know if they want to rent it or not? How do you know?

[B]

Look here.

[C]

What authority. You make such an incision as that and then say, where do you get your dope joke?

[B]

Cut it out for you. The house is a big part of Philadelphia.

[E]

Oh, my word. I thought you said it was a small house.

[F]

Oh, maybe I could buy it. How much do they Want for it, Mr. Howard?

[C]

How much are the taxes?

[E]

How much ground has it got?

[F]

Is it near a bus?

[B]

Look, that doesn't enter into the question.

[C]

Well, anyhow, I got a good place to live in now.

[B]

That's fine, but I'll be out of.

[C]

Luck if the railroad moves that freight car.

[B]

The freight?

[F]

How many bathrooms Has a house, Mr. Howard?

[B]

How many? What do you mean, how many bathrooms? That shouldn't interest you. Now let's get on here. The house is a historical house.

[F]

Oh, ghosts and stuff and things.

[B]

No, no, the house belongs to the city of Philadelphia. It's a point of historical interest. Hundreds of people visit there every day.

[F]

Oh, I wouldn't like that. Too much company.

[B]

Too much company.

[F]

People running in and out all the time. Yes, you'd have to ask them to stay for cheese.

[B]

Oh, yes.

[F]

Oh, I couldn't be bothered.

[B]

No, no, too much. Ms. McConnell, why don't you get yourself another idiot and settle down?

[F]

Why, Mr. Howard, I didn't think you cared.

[B]

You didn't? I'm still trying to get an answer to the question. What was the name of the woman who made the first American flag? The house she lived in is called the Betsy Ross house. Did you get that? Betsy Ross. There is also a very popular candy named after.

[C]

Oh, I know. Why didn't I think of it?

[B]

Why? Well, what is it?

[C]

Fannie Farmer.

[B]

Ah, got it. Thank. Here's the next question. Now pay attention. Try and be on your toes. This is a very simple question and you should have no trouble with it. Here it is. What is a bread knife used for? Did you Hear the question, Mr. Shelton?

[C]

Certainly I heard the question. It's about a knife.

[B]

That's very good.

[C]

Oh, I get the point. You can't stick me.

[B]

All right, you heard the question. What do you think of it?

[E]

That was a sharp remark, wasn't it?

[B]

Yeah. Yes, it was, mister. Let's get on here. Never mind the puns. What is a bread knife used for? You should know that, Ms. McConnell.

[F]

I should, shouldn't I?

[B]

Yes, you should. Well, I don't. You don't? You don't know what a bread knife is used for? Nope.

[F]

We never use bread in our house.

[B]

You never use bread?

[F]

No, we use nothing but toast.

[C]

Boy, she's got a lot of crust full of that, ain't she, huh?

[B]

What is a bread knife used for? I'll give you a hint. It is used to cut something made from dough. Do you know what dough is, Mr. McNaughton?

[E]

Oh, rather. Oh, boy. Dough is something that everybody needs. Yes, it attracts a lot of half baked friends. And when you have enough of it, you belong to the upper crust. And when you're broke. You're just a loafer.

[B]

I see. That's very, very clever, Mr. Martin. Now, let's get on here. Mr. Shelton, do you know what I'm talking about?

[C]

Why? Don't you?

[B]

Don't I?

[C]

Listen, if you don't know what you're talking about, how do you expect us to know, you dumb clock?

[B]

Look, Blaze, I know what I'm talking about. Then you answer the questions, Mr. Sheldon, don't you? How is it you never derive any benefit from these questions?

[C]

I have no driver's license.

[B]

You're not derived.

[E]

So you know. My wife is taking driver's lessons.

[F]

How's she making out?

[E]

When the road turns the same time she does? It's just a coincidence. Yesterday she took a turn for the worse.

[F]

Goodness. Any damage?

[E]

Well, you know that new sedan I had?

[F]

Yeah.

[E]

It's a convertible coupe.

[B]

Now you know.

[E]

You know, she's never driven at night. The other night she was out the first time in the car and saw two headlights coming towards her.

[B]

What did she do?

[E]

She drove between them.

[B]

Will you please tell me what she drove between them? What is a bread knife used for? Wait a minute. Do any of you know what a knife is?

[C]

Oh, sure. I know what a knife is used for.

[B]

Good. What do you use a knife for?

[C]

To eat mashed potatoes with.

[B]

I see. Don't you use a fork?

[C]

Why, certainly.

[B]

What do you use the fork for?

[C]

To put the mashed potatoes on the knife.

[B]

Why do you put mashed potatoes on the knife?

[C]

To keep the peas from slipping off.

[B]

Now we come to our contestants. While Mr. Roberts is getting the folks up here, we hear from our orchestra. They say music soothes the savage beast. Now we give you the savage beast, the corn doctor, Dr. Novik.

[F]

New Year's Eve. Happy New Year. Thank you, Dr. Novick.

[B]

Boy, that was terrible. If Dr. Novik had lived in the days of the Pied Piper, they would have used his orchestra to chase the rats out of Hamlin. Well, who is Our first contestant? Mr. Roberts?

[D]

Our first contestant tonight, Mr. Howard, is Private Richard Finnegan of the famous 82nd Airborne Division.

[B]

Good evening, sir. Good evening, Mr. Finnegan. And thank you a lot for coming up as such. Certainly. It's a pleasure to have you. How do you feel, sir? I feel fine, thank you. Well, that's good. Where's your hometown? Would you care to say New York City.

[F]

Oh, fine.

[B]

You're right at home now. Isn't that 12?

[C]

New York City. Well, bring me 100 telephones and call me Diet Smith.

[B]

I see.

[C]

I used to work in this town.

[B]

I see.

[C]

Yeah, I was a baseball mascot in a haunted house.

[E]

You were a baseball mascot in a haunted house?

[C]

Yeah, I used to take care of the bats.

[B]

The bat? Please don't mind him, Mr. Finnegan. When he was in the army, he was the droop of the troop, if you know what I mean. What are you doing today in New York? Just having a nice time taking in the sights or what?

[E]

Oh, just resting, that's all.

[B]

Well, that's good. And I bet you need a rest. Are you enjoying yourself? Very much, thank you. Good. I'm glad. How long have you been in the service, Mr. Finnegan? Two and a half years. Two and a half years? Congratulations, my boy. That's.

[E]

Well, you know, Mr. Finnegan, I was in the last war. You know, I never forget the time they put me on sentry duty. The sergeant said to me, remember, McNaughton, if anything moves, you shoot.

[B]

I said, yes, sir. Yes.

[E]

If anything shoots, I move.

[B]

I can believe that.

[E]

Well, Mr. Howard. Anyway, it's better to say, there he goes than here he lies.

[B]

I see what you mean.

[E]

I told the sergeant.

[B]

Never mind. What'd you do before you entered the service?

[E]

I used to pick the names out of hotel towels.

[F]

I'm not talking to you.

[C]

That's nice, clean work, though.

[B]

Hotel towel.

[E]

Little hard on the fingers, you know?

[B]

Yeah, I imagine it is. Now, let's get on here. I was talking to our guest here. Now, please keep quiet. What'd you do before you entered the service? I went to school. Oh, a student. I see. What school did you go to? Would you care to say?

[D]

I went to school up in Andover, Mass.

[B]

Oh, Andover, Mass. Oh, yes, I know that school.

[C]

I used to go to that same school.

[B]

Ah, cut it out. That's a very ritzy school.

[C]

I don't care how richy it was. It ain't too richy for me.

[B]

You. You mean to tell me you went to Andover, Mass? Yeah, of course.

[C]

I was only there one day.

[B]

I see.

[C]

Only one day. And the head man called me in his office and he says, hand over my watch.

[E]

Did you get time?

[B]

Ah, cut it out, Mr. McDonald.

[C]

He gave me the works.

[B]

He gave you the works? I see. Don't pay any attention to him. I'm sure we're very glad to have you with us here tonight. Yeah, we sure are.

[F]

What's your first name, honey?

[B]

Dick. What Dick? Richard. Richard. Oh, the Richard.

[F]

That's a pretty name.

[B]

Isn't Dick? Richard is a nice name. Oh, that's a loving name, Richard. I just love that name.

[C]

Richard.

[F]

Oh, my. You dark handsome. Oh, and it might as well be. Might as well be spring.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, you cute. Might as well be winter as far as you're concerned.

[F]

You can just call me Radar.

[B]

Yeah, Radar. Yeah.

[F]

I'm on the beam.

[B]

Yeah. And you'll pick up anything.

[F]

Sit down.

[B]

And Dick, while you're here, would you do us a favor by reaching into the dunce cap and picking out a question for us, please? And when you get one, would you be kind enough to read it, if you don't mind. Just read it right into the microphone. What animal do they shoot with? An elephant gun. Good, good. What animal do they shoot with? An elephant gun.

[E]

What kind of a gun?

[B]

An elephant gun.

[E]

Oh, my word. I never knew elephants carried guns.

[B]

We're off. Already?

[C]

Sure.

[F]

That's. That's why they have such big trunks. Yes, they carry the guns in the trunk.

[B]

I see. I see. Ms. McConnell, why don't you soak your head in calcimine?

[C]

Mr. Howard means it means the gun shoots elephants.

[B]

The gun plugged up there for a minute, was it?

[E]

What did you say?

[G]

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[A]

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[C]

Contiguous US only Mr. Hart means the gun shoots elephants.

[E]

The gun shoot elephants. I always thought gun shot bullets.

[B]

I mean, in my day they did. Mr. McNaughton, please let me know. Mr. McNaughton, you finish your basic training as an idiot?

[E]

Oh, with pleasure, Mr. Howard. Can I be in your class?

[B]

You can be in. The question's about hunting. Mr. Hyun, did you ever See an elephant.

[F]

Well, hey, wait a minute. What are you looking at me for?

[C]

Well, I'm just trying to answer the question, that's all.

[E]

Ah, you know I love to hunt. Ah, I love the sound of the tally ho. Well, do I remember my last fox hunt? There I was, off at the crack of dawn. I chased the fox over the hill, down into the dale, through the fields and the forest, through the river, down the river, over the stream, down to the village. Just when I was about to grab the fox, he ducked into a movie theater.

[B]

Did you go in after him?

[E]

No, I'd seen the picture.

[B]

Ah, come on, please. Let's get back to the question.

[F]

I went hunting with my old man once.

[B]

With him or for him?

[F]

With him, smarty pants.

[C]

Did you have any luck?

[B]

Did I?

[F]

I shot a buck.

[C]

You shot a buck?

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

Then I shot two bucks.

[C]

Who faded you?

[B]

She's been. She's been faded for years. Mr. Sheldon. The question's about honey.

[C]

I love to hunt wildlife.

[B]

Yeah.

[E]

Blondes or brunettes?

[C]

Oh, I'm not fussy.

[B]

Look, will you please try and answer the question? Please. Do any of you know what kind of an animal they hunt with an elephant gun?

[C]

No, I don't know nothing about elephants. I love the steeple chase. Do you like the steeple chase, Mr. McNaughton?

[E]

I don't know, boy. I've never chased any steeples. No, I prefer duck hunting. I mean, first you put out the decoys. You know what a decoy is, Mr. Shelton?

[C]

A decoy? Isn't it a.

[E]

No, no, no. It's a sort of a. It's made of wood. Like a sort of something you hold it.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, like when you. It's round.

[E]

No, no, it's really. When you. If you.

[C]

Did you ever see a. Oh, sure, I know.

[F]

Yeah, my old man said the same thing.

[C]

Yeah, I thought so, too.

[B]

Wait a minute. What are you talking about?

[E]

A decoy, Mr. Hard? A decoy. It's one of those.

[B]

I know what it is. What? It's a. It looks like you set it in the water.

[C]

No, that's a sponge. A sponge?

[F]

Ah, no, a sponge is a cake.

[E]

Oh, no, no, no, it's not a cake. It's a decoy. It looks like. Has a shape like. They fool you every time.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

And when you pick them up. Now, then there's the duck.

[E]

Yes.

[B]

The ducks.

[E]

They think that they're not sure. Do you see?

[C]

So you move to another place.

[F]

But it's raining.

[E]

Oh, in that case, you don'.

[F]

Thank you.

[B]

That was Nat Novick playing Rosalie. And very nice too, Nat. I mean, Rosalie was. And now, have we another contestant?

[D]

Indeed we have, Mr. Howard and I should like to present to you now a very lovely young lady. She is Private First Class Shirley Coward of the Women's Army Corps.

[B]

Oh, fine.

[F]

Good evening, Ms. Coward, and welcome to it.

[B]

Taste the evening and thank you, Ms. Coward, for coming. Coming up. How do you feel, Ms. Gowers?

[H]

Fine, thank you.

[F]

How are you?

[B]

Well, fine, thank you. Thanks for asking. Where's your hometown? Would you care to tell us?

[H]

Albany, Georgia.

[B]

Albany, Georgia. Well, what do you think of that? Albany, Georgia.

[C]

That's where the nightbolt goes.

[B]

That Albany, Georgia. Yeah.

[C]

Did they move it?

[B]

Never mind. Please pay no attention to them. May I ask what are you doing in New York at this time, Ms. Coward?

[H]

I'm on furlough. Just sightseeing.

[B]

Oh, just sightseeing. Have you seen all the sights?

[H]

Well, practically.

[B]

Did you see McConnell yet? Take a good look. That's something you don't see every now and then. Are you having a nice time?

[H]

Oh, very much so.

[E]

Good, Ms. Coward. You know what a decoy is.

[B]

Oh, will you cut it out?

[F]

Now, don't get into that.

[B]

Pay no attention to Ms. Cowardy. He happened to get out without his nurse this evening.

[E]

Oh, no, no, she was with me. But you didn't hold my hand.

[B]

Oh, I see you're improving. Yes. How long have you been in the service, Ms. Cowart?

[H]

33 months.

[B]

33 months. Well, congratulations. That's 12. 33 months.

[C]

She's a very nice looking girl, isn't she?

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

I met a very nice girl last night.

[E]

Oh, really? How did she strike you?

[C]

With the back of her hand.

[B]

Pay no attention. Ms. Cowd, could I ask what is your work in the service?

[H]

I'm a photographer.

[B]

Photographer?

[H]

In the service trust.

[B]

Oh, I see. That's very interesting work. Positive or negative? Never mind. I. I used to go with a young girl, was a photographer. Very well developed. A very nice girl. How I imagine the work is very interesting, isn't it?

[H]

Oh, very much so.

[B]

I see. What'd you do before you entered the service?

[H]

I was a chemist for the navy.

[B]

A chemist for the Navy?

[H]

Yes.

[B]

Oh, before you went into the service? Well, you were right in line. And did you do that work in the. Oh, no, in. As a chemist for the navy. What was your job? Just what did you do? Mix?

[H]

I worked with oils.

[B]

Oils? What was the idea? To see if there was oil in the oil, I guess. No, Mr. Hart.

[E]

My uncle was a chemist.

[B]

You're what?

[E]

My uncle was a chemist in a dye factory.

[C]

I grew up.

[E]

He came out with flying colors.

[B]

I chemist in a dye factory.

[E]

I think the lady is very, very charming. She's a very charming lady. Very delectable and very, very smart. Hubba, hubba, hubba.

[F]

Well, there's nothing like a pretty face.

[B]

No. And yours is nothing like a pretty face.

[F]

Is that so? For my beauty grows on one.

[B]

I see. Well, I pity the one it grows on. Where did you do this work for the Navy? Down in Albany, Georgia?

[H]

No, in Annapolis, Maryland.

[B]

Oh, in Annapolis, Maryland. A very pretty little town. I've been there several times. Napoleon. That's where the Naval Academy is.

[H]

Yes, it is.

[B]

And in mixing this stuff, you never got confused? I mean, you never mixed any sailors in with it or anything? Oh, no, no. Tell me something else. How long have you been in New York?

[H]

21 days.

[B]

Oh, 21 days. Is this your first visit here? No, it isn't your first. Have you met any nice boys while you're here in New York?

[H]

Oh, I've met a lot of nice people.

[B]

Nice people. You're kind of abating equation. Now, we just gonna ask you how you compared the boys in New York with the boys down in Albany, Georgia.

[H]

Well, I've never gone with a Southern boy, so I can't compare them.

[B]

You never went with a Southern boy.

[C]

Where you all from? I'm from down at Tree.

[B]

Never mind where you are from. Well, we are very, very glad to have you with us, Ms. Gomer. Certainly has been a pleasure. Would you do us a favor and reach into the dunce gap there and pick a question now for us, please, if you don't mind.

[H]

In what year did the Blizzard of 1888 occur?

[B]

Thank you. Very good question. In what year did the Blizzard of 1888 occur? Did you hear the question, Mr. Sheldon?

[C]

Yeah, but I don't get the drift of it.

[B]

Yes. Starting already, Mr. Howell, would you mind repeating the question? I'll be glad to, Mr. McNaughton. In what year was the Blizzard of 1888?

[E]

What time of the year did it happen?

[B]

Mr. Howe, look. What do you mean, what time of year? I said the blizzard.

[E]

Was it in the spring or in the summer or.

[B]

I said blizzard. Don't you know what a blizzard is?

[F]

That's the inside of a chicken, ain't it?

[C]

That's silly. That's the lizard she's talking about.

[E]

Mr. Howe, did you say the blizzard of the Blizzard of 1888?

[B]

I said the Blizzard of 1888.

[E]

Tommy, was that the year we had snow?

[B]

Mr. McNaughton, please. Why don't you write yourself a threatening letter?

[E]

Oh, I did, Mr. Howard. I wrote myself a letter yesterday.

[B]

Yes? What'd you say to yourself?

[E]

Oh, I don't know. I won't get it till tomorrow.

[B]

I bet you can hardly wait. Yes, let's get on here. In what year did the Blizzard of 1888 occur? 1888. What were you saying, miss?

[F]

I remember that blizzard.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[F]

It took me all day to shovel.

[B]

Off our front porch.

[C]

Did you have a big porch?

[B]

Yeah. She's got a big veranda, too. Mr. Simpson. Now, let's get on here. Can anybody answer the question?

[C]

I can't answer it. I don't know what it's all. It's snow. Huh?

[B]

Look, the blizzard of 18.

[C]

Snow with you.

[B]

Now, never mind what snow with me. Can you tell me what year? The Blizzard of 1888. I'm giving you a broad enough hint. Broad enough?

[E]

Is it anything to do with the decoy?

[F]

Ah, never mind, Johnny.

[C]

Well.

[B]

Sounds pretty good this time. I've been practicing. Maybe we got a new August. I like that. Let me sit down a minute. A stone got in my shoe. Don't commence your. I ain't done nothing to you.

[F]

Yes, I'm a blacksmith, captain.

[B]

What of it? And a good one, too. Me and my wife, Amelli Nelly, were just 16. She was the prettiest creature the valley had ever seen. One day, a dog. Tall stranger. Young, handsome and tall.

[E]

Give me a piece of ch.

[F]

Oh.

[B]

How did the ducks get into this thing?

[C]

That's where they started.

[B]

Needs another nickel. That's terrible. I guess I'd better speak now for all of us. And say good night for Lulu McConnell, George Sheldon, Harry McCarthy. Say good night for our service guests tuned in around the world. Experts.

[C]

Good night.

[F]

Good night.

[E]

Good night.

[B]

That was especially for those who were brave enough to stay tuned in for this past half hour. This is Tom Howard inviting you to join us again next week and to hear what we mean when we say it pays to be ignorant.

[E]

To be dumb.

[C]

To pretense. To be ignorant.

[B]

It pays to be ignorant, just like me.

[D]

For the record, that's all. Be with us again next week and hear it proven again by Tom Howard, Ludo McConnell, George Shelton and Harry McNaughton. That it pays to be ignorant. Ken Roberts speaking. This is the Armed Forces Radio.

[B]

Sam.