It's A Crime, Mr Collins - AUS 57-03-04 Paper Bag, The (Brown Paper Bag)

Summary

Podcast Summary

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode: It’s A Crime, Mr. Collins - "The Brown Paper Bag" (AUS 57-03-04)
Date: September 19, 2025
Host: Harold’s Old Time Radio
Main Characters: Greg Collins, Gail Collins, Della Turner, Desmond Monash

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Episode Overview

This episode of "It’s A Crime, Mr. Collins" transports listeners to the golden age of radio with a classic mystery drama involving newlyweds Greg and Gail Collins. Their honeymoon quickly turns into a complicated web of danger, deception, and international intrigue when they become entangled in a deadly smuggling ring. The story blends suspense, detective work, and quick-witted banter, exemplifying the appeal of vintage radio mysteries.

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Key Discussion Points and Plot Breakdown

1. Setting the Stage

• [01:13] Gail Collins reminisces about the start of her relationship with Greg, a private detective, and how their honeymoon in Mexico City was swiftly interrupted by crime.
  • Quote: “After all, what would you do if a gang of professional killers broke up your wedding night?” — Gail Collins [01:13]

2. A Mysterious Stranger and a Paper Bag

• During their first moments alone as a married couple, a mysterious man stumbles into their cabana, hands Gail a brown paper bag, mutters cryptic phrases (including "Della Turner," "murdering," "head gang," and "singing watch"), and collapses, dead from a stab wound. Greg identifies his occupation from his callused fingers and his New York coat.
  • Quote: “He wasn’t drunk, Gail. See in his back—a knife. Let me have a closer look at him.” — Greg Collins [04:52]
• The paper bag contains nearly a million dollars.
  • Quote: “What’s in it?” — Gail Collins; “A million dollars.” — Greg Collins [05:56-05:58]

3. The Danger Increases: Smuggling and Imposters

• Greg quickly suspects a smuggling operation involving "wetbacks"—Mexican workers illegally crossing the Rio Grande, sometimes smuggling drugs.
  • Explanation: “Lots of very poor Mexicans trying to make a buck sneak across the Rio Grande... crooks help them for cash... Especially if the wetbacks bring a little marijuana or uncut heroin.” — Greg Collins [08:14]
• Fearing for Della Turner (a famous actress in town), the Collinses hurry to warn her, knowing the police would be suspicious of them as strangers found with a corpse and a fortune.

4. A Hair-Raising Cab Ride and Pursuit

• The couple hails a cab but soon realize the driver is going the wrong way and is likely part of the criminal ring. Greg manages to overcome the driver and they use his cab to continue their mission, leaving the driver behind.
  • Memorable moment: “What does mine do? Throws me out the window. Well, Gail Collins, this is your life.” — Gail Collins [09:24]
• News of the murder breaks on the radio, describing Gail's appearance live on-air, adding tension and urgency to their escape.

5. At the Theater: Unmasking the Plot

• At the theater, they attempt to warn Della Turner, learning that the scheduled violinist, Desmond Monash, had an “accident” and is replaced by a bandaged imposter.
• Greg realizes that the dead man in their cabana was the real Desmond Monash, and the plot involves an imposter in the orchestra—a key part of the smuggling operation.

6. Showdown at the Casino del Toro

• Following Della Turner's note, they meet her and the imposter violinist at the seedy Casino del Toro.
• Greg deduces the imposter's identity and details the entire operation—using the acting troupe as a cover to smuggle drugs and people into the US, with the briefcase as the payoff for a "big deal."
  • Quote: “Ms. Turner, that man standing over there with his face covered up by bandages is not Desmond Monash, your violinist.” — Greg Collins [19:05]
• The key clue: the "singing watch" worn by Della Turner, revealing her as the head of the ring.
  • Quote: “You mean like this? On my wrist.” — Della Turner, revealing the musical watch [20:27]

7. Climax: Lights Out and Police Intervention

• A gun is drawn; as Monash is about to shoot, Greg shoots out the lights.
• Police break in. There’s a chase, shots fired, and Della Turner is wounded and apprehended, along with her accomplices.
  • Quote: “Greg practically flew out the window, firing at Della Turner and Desmond Monash as he went. He winged Ms. Turner in the shoulder and got a friend in the leg.” — Gail Collins [21:53]

8. Aftermath: Jailhouse Banter and Case Resolution

• Despite their heroics, Greg and Gail are arrested for failing to report the crime—leading to comic back-and-forth with the local police about civil rights, the evidence, and Greg’s “goo goo eye gendarme” insult.
• Greg explains his key deductions: the violinist’s hands (calluses), the suspect coat label, and his intentional ‘bad’ repair to the cab’s horn—a ruse to draw police to the casino.
  • Quote: “When I fixed the horn, I purposely did a bad repair job, knowing it’ll go off again and attract attention. It did.” — Greg Collins [23:05]
• The newlyweds end up in separate cells with only $1.49 between them, considering bribery as a last resort.
  • Quote: “Because we’ve been running around all night with a million dollars. But me, I have exactly $1 and 49 cents.” — Greg Collins [24:59]

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• “[Greg] I am gonna do something.
  [Gail] What?
  [Greg] Gonna get dressed.” [05:27]

• “It’s our wedding night. I know, but if we don’t reach Della Turner in the next few—” — Greg Collins [07:59]

• “Well, Gail Collins, this is your life.” — Gail Collins humorously lamenting her honeymoon [09:24]

• “They probably wanted to get a man into the States this time in a big deal. ... With all this dough to get into the States, they wouldn’t trust an ordinary wetback. They picked our boy here.” — Greg Collins [19:42]

• “Della Turner, head of the Ringale. The distinguished actress you’re dating yourself, darling. You used to be big, then she was a washout.” — Greg Collins [20:53]

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Important Segment Timestamps

• [01:13-03:44] — Gail recounts meeting Greg, their wedding, and the honeymoon set-up.
• [04:03-07:00] — The mysterious visitor and the discovery of the paper bag and murder.
• [08:11-10:19] — Explanation of the "wetback" smuggling ring; escape from the cabana.
• [10:41-12:31] — Tense cab ride, evasion, and escaping suspicion.
• [13:20-14:13] — At the theater; new dangers revealed.
• [17:39-19:47] — Showdown at the Casino del Toro; unmasking Della Turner and the imposter.
• [21:53-23:00] — Action sequence, police intervention, and end of the chase.
• [23:00-24:34] — Debrief at the police station; Greg’s deductions and comic jailhouse banter.

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Tone and Style

The episode’s tone is lively and witty, with Gail and Greg’s quick humor and affectionate banter balancing suspense and danger. Dialogue is sharp and playful, creating a classic vintage radio feel.

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Final Thoughts

This episode captures the intrigue and character-driven fun of “It’s A Crime, Mr. Collins.” An ordinary honeymoon turns into a thrilling chase through Mexico City’s underbelly, with mistaken identities, international smuggling, and a dash of romance. The plot is tightly paced, the characters memorable, and the period flavor intact—a delightful return to radio’s golden era.

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For fans of mystery and old-time radio, this episode is a textbook example of why these classic stories endure—mixing danger, deduction, and delightful repartee in unforgettable style.

Transcript

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[Narrator/Host]

It's a crime, Mr. Column.

[Gail Collins]

It surely is. After all, what would you do if a gang of professional killers broke up your wedding night? That's exactly what happened. We hadn't been married 10 minutes when. Well, maybe I better go back a bit to when I first met Greg. You see, my husband is a private detective. I'm Gail Collins, and I'll be back in a minute to set the stage for our puzzling crime.

[Narrator/Host]

It's a crime, Mr. Collins. Now, Mrs. Collins, what did you mean when you said a gang of killers broke up your wedding night?

[Gail Collins]

That's exactly what happened, Mr. Little. It scared the daylights out of me. I don't ever remember.

[Narrator/Host]

Now, now, now, just a minute. You were going to tell how you first met Greg Collins.

[Gail Collins]

Oh, yes, I was.

[Narrator/Host]

You kind of fell for that guy like the proverbial 10 of bricks, didn't you, Gail?

[Gail Collins]

I certainly did. I knew Greg was for me from the first minute he walked into my curio shop back in New Mexico. Greg's tall, lean slightly on the western side. And I took one look at him and said to myself, this is it.

[Narrator/Host]

I love that man.

[Gail Collins]

After we'd met, Greg went to Mexico City on a secret assignment for the U.S. government. I guess you know he's a private detective. And a darn good one, too.

[Narrator/Host]

You're right.

[Gail Collins]

But sometimes he does special jobs for the government. Greg called me from Mexico City and proposed over the phone. So I flew down and we were married. Then we ran to one of those dreamy honeymoon cabanas at the Hotel Dos Reyes. Well, like the man says, we're alone at last. Craig.

[Greg Collins]

That's right, Gail.

[Gail Collins]

Well.

[Greg Collins]

I. I think I'll take a cold shower.

[Gail Collins]

That didn't bother me. I knew Greg would be out soon, grinning like mad, having drowned himself in that tweedy shaving lotion he knew I liked so much. So Greg started to take his shower and to sing. I sprawled on the chaise, feeling languid and Marilyn Monroe ish.

After all, Mother had forgotten to tell.

Me what to do about gangsters who break up a girl's wedding night. But there I was on the chaise when.

Yes? Who is it? Oh, one second. Yes?

What did you want?

[Greg Collins]

Take. Take this.

[Gail Collins]

The paper bag. What for? Who are you? Now, look, buster, if this is a gag, because we just got married.

[Greg Collins]

Oh, have we a visitor?

[Gail Collins]

I don't know who he is, Greg, but I think he's awfully drunk.

[Greg Collins]

Take bag.

[Gail Collins]

Look, I don't want your paper bag. And besides, Gala Turner.

[Greg Collins]

Get to her quickly.

[Gail Collins]

Gala Turner.

[Various minor characters (e.g., cab driver, others)]

What back's there?

[Greg Collins]

Murdering.

[Gail Collins]

Murdering.

[Various minor characters (e.g., cab driver, others)]

Head gang.

[Greg Collins]

Where's a singing watch? Look out, girl.

[Gail Collins]

Well, they certainly run this hotel nicely. But an old souse can come into your cabana, play games and pass out on the floor.

[Greg Collins]

He wasn't drunk, girl. See in his back a knife. Let me have a closer look at him.

[Gail Collins]

Here, take this bag he gave me. I don't want to touch it.

[Greg Collins]

Put it on the dresser. Uh huh. He's dead all right.

[Gail Collins]

Did you hear what he said, Craig? Murdering Della Turner. Wetbacks. Head ring. Wear a singing watch.

[Greg Collins]

I heard.

[Gail Collins]

Well, don't just stand there. Do something, darling. Do something clever. You were supposed to be a detective, remember?

[Greg Collins]

I am gonna do something.

[Gail Collins]

What?

[Greg Collins]

Gonna get dressed.

[Gail Collins]

Did he mean Della Turner, the famous actress?

[Greg Collins]

Sure. She's stopping here in town for Goodwill Day. She's playing over at the Theatro Australias.

[Gail Collins]

Is that where we're going, Greg?

[Greg Collins]

That's it. Now, let's see what's in that paper bag he gave you.

[Gail Collins]

Well, don't just whistle. What's in it? Popcorn?

[Greg Collins]

No.

[Gail Collins]

Pretzels?

[Greg Collins]

No.

[Gail Collins]

What's in it?

[Greg Collins]

A million dollars.

[Gail Collins]

Takes you so long to answer a girl. A million dollars?

[Greg Collins]

Just about.

[Gail Collins]

Well, I. What are we gonna do?

[Greg Collins]

Me? You're gonna find a clean shirt. You take a look at our friend on the floor. Meantime, tell me what you see.

[Gail Collins]

Well, he's kind of Bald. Looks about 40, I'd say. Do I have to do this, Greg?

[Greg Collins]

Yes, go on. Don't be so squeamish.

[Gail Collins]

I'm not squeamish. I'm just sensitive, that's all. I'm the sensitive type.

[Greg Collins]

Go on.

[Gail Collins]

He has a funny mark on his nose. You know what happens when you wear glasses with a metal nose piece?

[Greg Collins]

Good. Now you're thinking a little.

[Gail Collins]

A little? Well, I like that.

[Greg Collins]

Where's that confounded bow tie? It was in this dressage.

[Gail Collins]

He's bruised. Looks like he was in a fight.

[Greg Collins]

Look at my bow tie with the orange polka dots, huh? I'll go ahead taking inventory on our visitor.

[Gail Collins]

All right. I wasn't enjoying myself much anyway. Orange polka dots, huh?

[Greg Collins]

Weighs about 150 pounds. About 5ft. Seven fingers have calluses on them. Now, let's turn him over and get a better look. I'll open his coat. Oh, I beg your pardon.

[Gail Collins]

What's the matter? What are you doing with this coat?

[Greg Collins]

Buttoning it up. Our friend is wearing nothing under his coat but underwear, shorts.

[Gail Collins]

Maybe he was playing strip poker.

[Greg Collins]

Fancy overcoat he has. Label says Elite Fashions, New York.

[Gail Collins]

Well, here's your bow tie.

Greg, what kind of danger do you.

Think Della Turner is in?

Do you think some gangsters might want to. Well, to kill her?

[Greg Collins]

I don't know. We better get to that theater where she's playing and tell her what's happened.

[Gail Collins]

What are you doing with the money?

[Greg Collins]

I'll keep it in my briefcase. Let's get out of here.

[Gail Collins]

But it's.

[Greg Collins]

It's our wedding night. I know, but if we don't reach De La Turner in the next few.

[Gail Collins]

Minutes, what do we do with him on the floor? It's not very neat to have a.

Corpse lying around and the maid doesn't show up till morning.

[Greg Collins]

Wetbacks.

[Gail Collins]

Yes, Mr. Collins? What is a wetback?

[Greg Collins]

Lots of very poor Mexicans trying to make a buck sneak across the Rio Grande to work on the farms in California and Texas. Lots of crooked characters are willing to help them do it for cash. Especially if the wetbacks will bring a little marijuana or uncut heroin along with him. We wait. Listen.

[Gail Collins]

What is it?

Someone's outside. Greg, let's call the police.

[Greg Collins]

We can't. We have to reach Dead at Turner before somebody knocks her off. She probably knows something about a ring that's smuggling wetbacks across the border. If we call the police, how do we explain this? We're strangers in town. Unidentified body in our room, we lose ours. Might never convince him. By that time, Della Turner might be dead.

[Gail Collins]

Maybe that's the police.

[Greg Collins]

No, I think that's the Gentleman who put a knife into our friend there. And I wouldn't like to take a chance on his meeting us either. Come on. This back window. Up you go. Run to the Plaza, find a cat.

[Gail Collins]

Oh, great.

[Greg Collins]

What's the matter now?

[Gail Collins]

The night a girl gets married, her groom always carries her across the threshold. And what does mine do? He throws me out the window. Well, Gail Collins, this is your life.

Keep your ears pinned, friends. We'll be back in a minute with more of the story. Greg and I dashed to the Plaza to find a taxi. Well, he dashed. He and his college track medals. I puffed along a very unimpressive sail. Second, after about five minutes of frantic waving, we grabbed a cab. It was an easy 12 miles to town.

Oh, we'll be entertained.

He has the radio on.

[Various minor characters (e.g., cab driver, others)]

Wow. Go chuchilo fuesto on Suez pan.

[Gail Collins]

What's he saying, Greg?

[Greg Collins]

It's a news broadcast. Unidentified body found at the Hotel Dos Reyes.

[Gail Collins]

Oh, Greg.

[Greg Collins]

In a cabana. A man with a knife in his back.

[Gail Collins]

How do you like that?

First time in my life I ever heard my name on the air, and.

I don't know what he's saying about me. Translated.

[Greg Collins]

Craig, wait.

[Various minor characters (e.g., cab driver, others)]

La senora tienne capello, negri, ojos verdes.

[Greg Collins]

They're describing you, Gail. Black haired, green eyes, very pretty.

[Gail Collins]

That's on account of the room clerk. From the way he looked at me. Anytime you want to throw me over, Greg Collins, that room clerk's waiting to catch me at the first bounce.

[Various minor characters (e.g., cab driver, others)]

La senora tienne puertas.

[Greg Collins]

They're saying you have beautiful legs, Gail.

[Gail Collins]

Well, of course they are.

[Greg Collins]

Turn off the radio.

[Gail Collins]

But they're reciting poetry about music.

[Greg Collins]

Turn it outs.

[Gail Collins]

But why?

[Greg Collins]

That cab driver would hear it. He can get a pretty good look at us in that rearview mirror.

[Gail Collins]

He's too busy going the wrong way.

This isn't the way we went down to town this morning.

[Greg Collins]

You're right.

This isn't the road to town. Driver, you're going the wrong way. That is. All right. I'm taking a shortcut. You wanted to save time, did you not? Okay.

[Gail Collins]

Oh, my goodness.

[Greg Collins]

What is it?

[Gail Collins]

I just realized the dream.

He spoke to us in fairly good English.

And how many cab drivers in Mexico City speak English that way?

[Greg Collins]

Doesn't mean he's a phony, though.

[Gail Collins]

He's stopping the car.

[Greg Collins]

Hey, wait a minute, pal.

[Gail Collins]

Oh, I wish we had a gun.

[Greg Collins]

I have a gun, but I'd have to use it myself. Now, the two of you, get out of the car. Come on. I'll take that briefcase, Mrs. Collins.

[Gail Collins]

Oh, should I let him have it, Greg?

[Greg Collins]

Thank you, Mrs. Collins.

You gave him something, Gail.

So now I'll give him something, too.

[Gail Collins]

Man, what a right you've got. There'll be no fights in our family.

[Greg Collins]

We'll leave him there.

Somebody will find him and take back the briefcase. Now we'll borrow that cab of his.

[Gail Collins]

That little interruption may have cost Estelle A Turner's life.

[Greg Collins]

Here, hop in. I'll drive.

[Gail Collins]

You know the way, Greg?

[Greg Collins]

Yeah, I think so.

We don't dare to stop and ask for directions. That police alarm for us must be all over town. I wish I could step on it.

But I. I don't dare attract attention. Cross your fingers, Gail. Here we.

[Gail Collins]

When we reached the theater, the performance was on. Greg bought two tickets, reserved seats at the box office. Then, instead of going in, he dragged me to the stage door.

[Greg Collins]

Could we please see Ms. Turner?

I am sorry. Ms. Turner is on stage.

[Gail Collins]

Oh, jeepers.

[Greg Collins]

Now, look, if I give you a note for it, would you see that she gets it?

I can do that.

Good. Here. And this is very confidential, so be sure that Ms. Turner gets it, would you? And no one else. Thanks. Come on, Gail. We'll go out front.

[Gail Collins]

What did you write on the note?

[Greg Collins]

I told her we must see her right away, that she's in great danger, and that's very urgent. I put down our seat numbers now. Let's go.

[Gail Collins]

Don't go away. In just a minute, we'll bring you the climax of the case.

[Narrator/Announcer]

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[Gail Collins]

Power.

[Narrator/Announcer]

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[Gail Collins]

Greg and I took our seats in the theater. Della Turner was just leaving the stage as we sat down.

[Greg Collins]

There she goes now.

[Gail Collins]

Great. Isn't she exquisite? Isn't that dress a dilly?

[Greg Collins]

This isn't a fashion show, pal.

Someone's gonna be killed any minute. Keep your eyes on the stage.

[Policeman]

Ladies and gentlemen, we have an important announcement to make. I am sorry to tell you that Mr. Desmond Monash, our very popular violinist, cannot Play for us tonight. Mr. Monash had a most unfortunate accident. However, since this is Goodwill Day, we did want you to meet him, if only for a moment. He will be leaving for the States tonight. But he has very kindly consented to come out on stage and say hello. Now, here he is. Desmond Monash.

[Gail Collins]

By Greg. He didn't just have an accident. He must have been in a battle royal. Look at him. Face all banged his arm in that slit.

[Greg Collins]

Gail, we have to get out of here.

[Policeman]

And now, on with the shot.

[Greg Collins]

This place isn't as healthy as I thought it was.

[Gail Collins]

What do you mean? What's wrong?

[Greg Collins]

I just found out how the dead man is lying back in Alcabana.

[Gail Collins]

What now?

[Greg Collins]

Let's leave here.

[Gail Collins]

Oh, wait. There's that Dolman. He's pointing at us.

[Various minor characters (e.g., cab driver, others)]

Mr. Collins.

[Greg Collins]

Yeah?

[Various minor characters (e.g., cab driver, others)]

Here is a note. An answer from Ms. Turner.

[Greg Collins]

Oh, thank you.

[Gail Collins]

What's it say?

[Greg Collins]

That part of the show must be over. She wants us to meet her right away at the Casino del Toro on Flora Street.

[Gail Collins]

An out of the way place like that.

[Greg Collins]

Come on. You just keep the handle of the briefcase clenched in your hot little fist and be quiet.

[Gail Collins]

But, Craig.

[Greg Collins]

Quiet.

[Gail Collins]

And a happy wedding night to you, darling.

The Casino del Toro was in a very sordid section of Mexico City. As we pulled up in front, it had begun to rain.

Well, now the horn is stuck. Isn't it just lovely blowing like that?

[Greg Collins]

I'll fix a horn. Only take a second. Run into the doorway of the casino. Don't stand there. I can see the hood myself.

[Gail Collins]

Hurry, Greg. You'll get so.

[Greg Collins]

Okay, okay. There we are. That does it. Now let's meet Ms. Turner.

[Gail Collins]

The casino was a rundown, loathsome place. The man we'd seen on the stage with a bandaged face and broken arm came up to us.

[Various minor characters (e.g., cab driver, others)]

Ms. Turner is waiting for you in that room. To your lift.

[Greg Collins]

All right.

[Della Turner]

Mr. And Mrs. Collins?

[Greg Collins]

That's right, Ms. Turner.

[Della Turner]

Close the door, won't you?

[Gail Collins]

We're terribly glad to see you're still.

Alive and well, Miss Turner.

[Della Turner]

You've been very helpful, Mr. Collins. Sit down, won't you? This is Mr. Monash, our violinist.

[Various minor characters (e.g., cab driver, others)]

How do?

[Della Turner]

Your note was extremely interesting, Mr. Collins.

[Greg Collins]

Well, let me tell you the whole story, Ms. Turner. We were in our cabana earlier this.

[Gail Collins]

Evening as Greg told our story. I looked around. The room was very dark, just two flickering bulbs. Ms. Turner was seated on a small, discolored sofa. The violinist, his face and arms bandaged, leaned casually against the wall, staring at Greg as Greg finished the story.

[Greg Collins]

Well, there's the briefcase, Ms. Turner, with a million dollars in it.

[Gail Collins]

We've been terribly afraid someone would kill.

You, Ms. Turner, before we got to you.

[Della Turner]

I appreciate that so much.

[Greg Collins]

The last thing the man tried to say before he died was that the head of the ring wears a singing watch.

[Della Turner]

Is that all he said?

[Greg Collins]

That's all.

Now, Ms. Turner, when we were in the theater, I realized something.

[Della Turner]

Really, Mr. Collins, you have a clue?

[Greg Collins]

Ms. Turner, that man standing over there with his face covered up by bandages is not Desmond Monish, your violinist. Stay where you are, pal, whatever your name really is. I'll stand by this door.

[Gail Collins]

What do you mean?

[Greg Collins]

A ring of smugglers who sneak Mexicans carrying dope in the United States has been using your theatrical company.

[Gail Collins]

Using my groove?

[Greg Collins]

Yeah.

[Gail Collins]

Greg, how could they?

[Greg Collins]

They probably wanted to get a man into the States this time in a big deal. He's probably a courier for him. So they grabbed the real Desmond Monish. Held him somewhere. This man took the violinist's place in your troop tonight after inverting a story about having an accident so as he could cover his face. Are you leaving for the States tonight?

[Della Turner]

I plan to.

[Greg Collins]

You see, in another few hours, this man will be stepping off a plane in the United States.

[Gail Collins]

But. But the briefcase.

[Greg Collins]

Payoff money. Probably part of one of their deals on helpless human beings. They're a vicious mob. They often kill the wetbacks if they think they're liable to be caught and start talking. They've slaughtered a very great number this time. With all this dough to get into the States, they wouldn't trust an ordinary wetback. They picked our boy here.

[Various minor characters (e.g., cab driver, others)]

Get away from that door, Collins. Don't be a boy scout.

[Gail Collins]

I see, Greg.

The real Desmond Monash was held in our hotel. Tried to escape, grabbed the money, got stabbed, staggered into our cabana for help. We were the first door he could find. That explains everything but the singing watch.

[Della Turner]

Did you say the head of the ring wears a musical watch?

[Gail Collins]

Yes.

You.

[Della Turner]

You mean like this? On my wrist.

[Gail Collins]

Craig, she's. Look out. Monish has a gun.

[Various minor characters (e.g., cab driver, others)]

Stay where you are, both of you.

[Della Turner]

I'm sorry you Learned so much, Mr. Collins. We didn't plan to kill you and your lovely wife, but now you made it necessary.

[Gail Collins]

I don't get it.

[Greg Collins]

Della Turner, head of the Ringale. The distinguished actress you're dating yourself, darling. You used to be big, then she was a washout. You get desperate for money, Ms. Turner? Decide maybe your once fancy name and your acting troupe was a great cover for a racket.

[Della Turner]

Mr. Monash? Yes, Della you better dispose of them now. We've very little time. Our plane is waiting.

[Greg Collins]

I wish you Two wouldn't leave, Ms. Turner.

[Della Turner]

Oh, I'd love to sit and chat with you, Mr. Collins, but we're rather late. And you and your wife are much too well informed.

[Various minor characters (e.g., cab driver, others)]

I'm an expert shot. It won't be very painful for either of you.

[Della Turner]

Go on, Mr. Monash. We're losing precious time.

[Greg Collins]

I said I wish you wouldn't leave, Ms. Turner. Doc. Gail, he has a gun.

[Gail Collins]

The lights.

[Policeman]

Come and shut them out. I can't see.

[Gail Collins]

Hey, the door. Oh, it's a policeman.

[Various minor characters (e.g., cab driver, others)]

I will turn on my torch.

[Greg Collins]

Della, quick, the window.

[Gail Collins]

Greg. She's going out the window. Stop them.

[Policeman]

I get them. I. I'll jump.

[Gail Collins]

Greg practically flew out the window, firing at Della Turner and Desmond Monish as he went. He winged Ms. Turner in the shoulder and got a friend in the leg.

Fifteen minutes later, we were all down at the police station. They locked up Della Turner and her crowd, and Greg and I thought we'd be hailed as some kind of hero and heroine. Instead, the friendly policeman read a list of charges against us. Greg was furious.

[Greg Collins]

Now, look, officer. The basic civil rights.

[Various minor characters (e.g., cab driver, others)]

I am sorry, senor. We appreciate what you have done, but you have also violated our laws. You knew the gentleman on the stage was an imposter, yet you did not report it.

[Greg Collins]

Yes, I told you 10 times. I knew that because the corpse in Alcabana had calluses on his fingers. The kind a violinist would have. Besides the label on his coat. Sure, he was an American. Then when they announced that Desmond Monish, the violinist, had an accident and another guy walked on the stage all bandaged up, I knew it wasn't Desmond Mohnish at all. See?

[Various minor characters (e.g., cab driver, others)]

Why didn't you tell the police?

[Greg Collins]

Because it didn't have anything definite yet. I suspected Della Turner, but I had to make a show of hand. And I wanted the police to show up while she was talking.

[Gail Collins]

Greg, you must have rigged the horn of the cab. It didn't go off by itself outside the casino. It.

[Greg Collins]

You made it, Jan. Smart girl. When I fixed the horn, I purposely did a bad repair job, knowing it'll go off again and attract attention. It did. Along came one of your goo goo eye gendarmes, officers.

[Various minor characters (e.g., cab driver, others)]

Goo goo eye.

[Greg Collins]

Yes, yes. Goo goo eye.

[Various minor characters (e.g., cab driver, others)]

That will make another charge against you, senor. Insulting the police force.

[Gail Collins]

Greg, maybe you'd better be quiet, huh?

[Greg Collins]

Me, quiet? I have a right to speak.

[Gail Collins]

You.

[Greg Collins]

You can't lock us up. It's a wedding night. You can't keep us in jail tonight, can't we?

[Gail Collins]

Hey, cellmate. You across the aisle.

[Greg Collins]

Yes, Gail.

[Gail Collins]

Tell a fellow a secret, huh?

[Greg Collins]

What kind of secret?

[Gail Collins]

Where'd you get the gun to shoot out the lights in the casino?

[Greg Collins]

I took it from the cab driver when I knocked him out.

[Gail Collins]

Oh. Well, tell me one more thing. How about your assignment from the government?

[Greg Collins]

I said I was going to tell you. I just finished it. That was it. The government asked me to look into the wetback problem down here.

[Gail Collins]

What?

[Greg Collins]

Nice of the violinist to walk in and hand me the case on a platter, huh? Or should I say, hand me the case in a brown paper bag?

[Gail Collins]

That'll do. I don't want to hear any more about the case.

[Greg Collins]

You know, there was a case in Boston.

[Gail Collins]

Quiet, fine wedding night. This is me way over here alone.

[Greg Collins]

Sorry, Tim, I didn't arrange the separate cells.

[Gail Collins]

Fine thing on my wedding night. Very fine thing. I. Greg, I've got an idea.

[Greg Collins]

What is it?

[Gail Collins]

It's based on the old fashioned saying, money tops. Bribe him, Greg. Get him to put us in the same cell.

[Greg Collins]

It mightn't work.

[Gail Collins]

Why?

[Greg Collins]

Because we've been running around all night with a million dollars. But me, I have exactly $1 and 49 cents.

[Gail Collins]

A dollar 49? You mean you left your money at the Gabbana?

[Greg Collins]

That's it.

[Gail Collins]

Well, we'll have to try it anyway. Yoo hoo. Oh, Officer.

[Various minor characters (e.g., cab driver, others)]

Yes, senorita?

[Gail Collins]

Oh, come here, Officer. We want to talk to you.

Moral of the story. Prices are very high these days. But you'd be surprised at what you can accomplish with $1.49. Footnote Tomorrow for June brides. If you're planning a honeymoon out of town, the jails in Mexico City are wonderful. Oh, just wonderful. In just a moment, we'll be back with.

[Greg Collins]

We hope you enjoyed our adventure.

The brown paper bag.

Be sure to visit us next time.

For another puzzle in murder. For where there is crime and romance, there you'll find Mr. And Mrs. Collins.

[Narrator/Host]

It's a crime. Mr. Collins was produced in the studios of Hector Crawford Productions by Dorothy Crawford.