It's Higgins, Sir 51-07-03 (01) Higgins Arrives

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio – "It's Higgins, Sir 51-07-03 (01) Higgins Arrives"

Introduction

In the February 14, 2025 release of Harold's Old Time Radio, listeners are transported back to the Golden Age of Radio with the premiere episode of the new comedy series, It's Higgins, Sir. Conceived and produced by Paul Harrison, the show stars Harry MacNaughton as Higgins, an English butler whose arrival disrupts the tranquil life of the average Roberts family. This detailed summary explores the key points, humorous interactions, and eventual resolutions that unfold in the episode titled "Higgins Arrives."

Arrival of Higgins

The episode opens with Higgins making his entrance into the Roberts household. Higgins introduces himself with notable poise, correcting Mrs. Roberts with, “There’s no Mr. It’s Higgins, sir” (00:03). He claims to have arrived from England to present an inheritance of a priceless Queen Anne silver service to Mr. Philip Roberts. His formal demeanor and insistence on being addressed simply as Higgins set the tone for the ensuing comedic tension.

Initial Family Dynamics and Conflict

Mrs. Elizabeth Roberts welcomes Higgins politely, unaware of the upheaval his presence will cause. Higgins attempts to integrate himself by offering to bring his bags inside, humorously distinguishing his sophisticated manners from American shortcuts:

"No, sir, no. Only as long as I stay here with the silver." (02:33)

However, his blunt manner and high standards immediately clash with the Roberts' casual lifestyle. Mrs. Roberts’s teenage son, Tommy, misinterprets Higgins's formal speech, adding to the household confusion:

"I'll see you later. Take care." (01:34)

Interaction with the Children

Higgins's interactions with the Roberts children, Tommy and Debbie, further highlight the cultural and generational gaps. Tommy, eager to embrace the novelty of having a butler, initially teases Higgins but soon finds himself at odds with Higgins's strict adherence to protocol. Debbie, portrayed as an imaginative eight-year-old, becomes a target of Higgins's bemusement:

"Little angel, listen carefully. Is your name not Deborah?" (10:13)

These exchanges underscore the comedic tension between Higgins's old-world manners and the Roberts family's modern, laid-back attitudes.

Aunt Millie's Entrance and Escalating Tensions

The arrival of Aunt Millie serves as a catalyst that heightens the conflict within the household. Aunt Millie, unfamiliar with Higgins, asserts her authority and demands that he vacate her niece’s room:

"I’m Aunt Millie. Now get out of my way or I’ll trample you down." (24:32)

Her stern demeanor contrasts sharply with Higgins's refined persona, leading to humorous confrontations. Philip Roberts attempts to mediate, but the situation spirals as both Higgins and Aunt Millie vie for control, culminating in chaotic dinner preparations and misplaced household items.

Dinner Disaster and Resolution

The comedic peak of the episode occurs during dinner. Higgins insists on serving the inherited silverware in an unconventional manner, turning off the lights for candlelight presentation:

"He turned out all the lights. He says the silver looks more beautiful in candlelight." (21:27)

This results in confusion and dissatisfaction among the Roberts family, particularly Philip, who laments:

"But why did we have to eat it in the dark?" (21:33)

Amidst the chaos, Philip revisits the terms of the inheritance and discovers a clause binding Higgins to the family as long as he possesses the silver. This revelation forces Philip to confront the absurdity of their situation. Ultimately, after several humorous setbacks and family disagreements, Philip decides to embrace Higgins’s role:

"The house is yours, Mr. Higgins." (28:12)

Notable Quotes

Throughout the episode, several standout lines highlight the comedic interplay between Higgins and the Roberts family:

• Higgins on American shortcuts: “You Americans have shortcuts for everything, haven't?” (02:46)
• Tommy’s teasing introduction: “Well, isn't he just scrumptious? Oh, can you just possibly imagine how all the girls will just die of envy now that they know we have a butler.” (17:32)
• Higgins’s frustration: “This conversation is wreaking havoc on my blood pressure.” (10:31)
• Aunt Millie's ultimatum: “Philip, either that man goes this instant or I do.” (27:01)

Conclusion

The premiere episode of It’s Higgins, Sir masterfully combines classic radio comedy elements with timeless family dynamics. Higgins's English sophistication clashes humorously with the Roberts family's everyday life, leading to memorable interactions and resolutions. By the end of the episode, Philip’s reluctant acceptance of Higgins signifies the beginning of a new, albeit unconventional, chapter for the Roberts family. This episode sets the stage for future adventures, promising listeners a delightful blend of wit, humor, and charmingly old-fashioned scenarios.

Notable Timestamped Quotes

• Higgins’s Introduction: “There’s no Mr. It’s Higgins, sir.” (00:03)
• Higgins on American Shortcuts: “You Americans have shortcuts for everything, haven't?” (02:46)
• Higgins on Conversation: “This conversation is wreaking havoc on my blood pressure.” (10:31)
• Tommy's Teasing: “Well, isn't he just scrumptious? Oh, can you just possibly imagine how all the girls will just die of envy now that they know we have a butler.” (17:32)
• Aunt Millie's Ultimatum: “Philip, either that man goes this instant or I do.” (27:01)

Final Thoughts

Harold's Old Time Radio successfully revives the charm of classic radio comedies with It’s Higgins, Sir, offering a fresh yet nostalgic listening experience. The interplay between Higgins and the Roberts family provides ample humor and relatable family scenarios, ensuring that both new listeners and longtime fans of old-time radio will find enjoyment in this episode.

Transcript

[Philip Roberts]

By transcription.

[Higgins]

There's no Mr. It's Higgins, sir.

[Narrator]

The National Broadcasting Company presents a new comedy series, It's Higgins, sir. Conceived and produced by Paul Harrison and starring Harry MacNaughton as Higgins. The family you are about to meet is called Roberts. They are, loosely speaking, an average family who live in an average house in an average town. They were living their own peaceful, average lives until today. For today, an influence entered their lives that set them apart, made them different from their neighbors. And that influence was.

[Higgins]

Good afternoon. Is this the residence of Mr. Philip Roberts?

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Why, yes, it is. I'm Mrs. Roberts.

[Higgins]

How do you do? I'm Higgins.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Well, how do you do, Mr. Higgins?

[Higgins]

It's just Higgins, madam. No mister. I'm a gentleman's gentleman.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Oh, really? Isn't that sweet?

[Higgins]

Yes, I just arrived from England to bring your husband an inheritance. I beg your pardon, madam, but I think your house just collapsed.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Oh, no, that's just the way my 14 year old son comes down the stairs.

[Higgins]

My word, hasn't he learned to walk yet?

[Tommy Roberts]

I got baseball practice, Mom.

[Briggs]

I'll see you later.

[Tommy Roberts]

Take care.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Don't be a wild Indian.

[Higgins]

Indians. Oh, we still have Indians here.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

I beg your pardon?

[Higgins]

Oh, nothing. I was saying before that scalp hunter flew by. I've come all the way from England to present to your husband this priceless heirloom Queen Anne silver service that he's inherited from my late employer, Sir Reginald Robertson.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Well, well, really, I don't know what to say.

[Higgins]

Well, if I were in your place, madam, I should probably ask me to come in. I mean, I'm getting a little tired holding the silver.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

I'm terribly sorry. Won't you come in?

[Higgins]

Thank you.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

You may put the silver down on this hall table.

[Higgins]

Thank you. And now, if you'll excuse me, I'll get my bags.

[Tommy Roberts]

Surely.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Put them in the. Your bags? You mean bags with your clothes in it?

[Higgins]

Obviously. I hope you didn't think I came over from England with a knapsack.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Oh, but of course, you don't intend to stay here.

[Higgins]

Precisely, madam. Where this silver goes, I go. My grandfather polished this silver all his life. My father polished this silver all his life. And I intend to polish this silver all my life.

[Briggs]

But. But.

[Higgins]

The word is butler, madam. You Americans have shortcuts for everything, haven't? And now, if you'll be as good to show me to my room.

[Briggs]

But, but, but.

[Higgins]

Oh, very well. If you insist, madam. I'm your new butt. Higgins. Madam.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Mr. Higgins.

[Higgins]

There's no mister. It's just Higgins, madam.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Hello, Mr. Philip Roberts.

[Philip Roberts]

Office.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

May I talk to my husband, please? This is Mrs. Roberts. Oh, surely. One moment, Mrs. Roberts.

[Philip Roberts]

Hello?

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Hello? Is that you, Philip?

[Philip Roberts]

Oh, hello, Elizabeth. Look, dear, I'm right in the middle of a conference. Is anything wrong?

[Briggs]

Wrong?

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Wrong? Philip, you just haven't any idea. We have a butler.

[Philip Roberts]

A what?

[Elizabeth Roberts]

He just walked in with an armful of real silverware that his father polished all his life, and he's going to spend the rest of his life polishing it. Right here in the middle of our dining room. We have a butler.

[Philip Roberts]

Wait a minute, Liz. Wait a minute. We seem to have a bad connection. Hello? Hello?

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Hello.

[Philip Roberts]

Is that you, Elizabeth?

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Yes, Philip. Can't you hear me?

[Philip Roberts]

Yes, I can hear you now. We had a bad connection. Some dizzy dame yelling something about her butler.

[Briggs]

Philip.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

That was me. Philip, listen, you must come home at once. This minute.

[Philip Roberts]

The middle of the day. Excuse me a minute, dear. Gentlemen, I'm sorry, but we shall have to end this conference now. A little domestic emergency. We'll continue this demonstration tomorrow. You can leave the golf clubs here. Good day. Now, Elizabeth, what is this nonsense about a butler?

[Elizabeth Roberts]

It's no nonsense. We have an English butler.

[Philip Roberts]

Elizabeth, come closer to the phone. Yes, now you can tell me, dear. It won't matter.

[Briggs]

Can you walk to hear?

[Philip Roberts]

You haven't been in the liquor closet, have you?

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Well, really. Of all the things to say. I never in my life.

[Philip Roberts]

Liz, Liz, Liz, Liz. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I was only joking.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Philip, this is no joke. He's upstairs in the guest room right now, unpacking.

[Narrator]

Good.

[Philip Roberts]

Let him stay there.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

But he can't stay there. My Aunt Millie is coming, and that's her room.

[Philip Roberts]

See what I mean? Elizabeth, I have a great idea. When Aunt Millie comes, don't. Don't say a word to her. Let her barge right up to the guest room as she usually does, and let her bump smack into this butler.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

And then what?

[Higgins]

Griggs, I must congratulate you. This kitchen is spotless.

[Briggs]

It was spotless before you came, and it'll be spotless after you leave.

[Higgins]

I wasn't aware that anyone was leaving.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Oh, no.

[Higgins]

Ah, the stove. What have we cooking for dinner? Briggs, what is this football doing in the oven?

[Briggs]

Football? Let my roast beef.

[Higgins]

That's roast beef. Incredible. What are you basting it with? Iodine.

[Briggs]

For your information, the family likes it well done. It has another half hour to roast.

[Higgins]

Another half hour. While you can practically use it now as a bowling ball.

[Briggs]

That's the way I've been cooking in this family for 17 years.

[Higgins]

17 years. The family is still intact. Astonishing. Tell me, Briggs, where is the housekeeper and the maid?

[Briggs]

You're talking to her.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

I am the housekeeper, the maid and the cook.

[Higgins]

Housekeeper, maid and cook all at the same time. You know, someday you Americans will carry this mass production too far.

[Briggs]

Now, look here. I've been running this house the same.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

For 17 years, and no one is.

[Briggs]

Going to change it.

[Higgins]

Oh, you must be one of those Democrats I've read about. And now, perhaps you could tell me where the tablecloths are.

[Briggs]

Get in that drawer over there.

[Higgins]

I say, these are breakfast cloths. Where are the dinner cloths?

[Briggs]

Dinner cloths?

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Look, kiddo, you see that tablecloth you have in your hand?

[Higgins]

You mean this breakfast cloth?

[Briggs]

Yes.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Now turn it around on the other side.

[Higgins]

Yes, that's our dinner cloth. Briggs, you don't understand. I intend to use the silver service tonight for the first time. And I want the formal lace dinner cloth.

[Tommy Roberts]

Lace.

[Higgins]

I say, that sound you're making is a trifle more than nauseating.

[Briggs]

Lace, lace. The only lace you will find in this house.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

He's up in the attic on a.

[Briggs]

Pair of Grandma's old pantaloons.

[Higgins]

Briggs, which way to the attic?

[Tommy Roberts]

Pardon me. Yes, you must be the butler Mother told us about.

[Higgins]

Yeah. Who? What are you?

[Tommy Roberts]

I am Ms. Roberts.

[Higgins]

With those trousers on? I shall have to accept your words.

[Tommy Roberts]

These are not trousers. These are dungarees.

[Higgins]

Yes. I beg your pardon?

[Tommy Roberts]

Dungarees. You know what the sailors wear? Don't the girls in England wear dungarees?

[Higgins]

Not only do the young ladies in England not wear dungarees, but they do not know any sailors to get them from.

[Tommy Roberts]

Hey, are you the butler?

[Higgins]

My name is not Hay, it's Higgins. And I am a butler. Whom do I have the honor of addressing?

[Tommy Roberts]

I'm Tommy Roberts.

[Higgins]

Oh, yes, of course. The Indian.

[Philip Roberts]

Yes.

[Higgins]

From the look of your clothes, you must have been ambushed.

[Tommy Roberts]

I've just come back from baseball practice.

[Higgins]

I would suggest that you get out of those things and get ready for dinner.

[Tommy Roberts]

Change my clothes? Why?

[Higgins]

Who's gonna be there? I shall be there. I shall draw your bath and be back later to dress you.

[Tommy Roberts]

Dress me? Dress me?

[Higgins]

Oh, it's moments like these that make one realize the danger of overpopulation.

[Tommy Roberts]

Hello. I'm Debbie. I'm eight years old.

[Higgins]

This house must have been built over an abandoned orphanage. Tell me, Miss Debbie, how many of you, you Robertses are there in the family?

[Tommy Roberts]

I have an older sister and an older brother, and I'm the youngest. Oh, I forgot. My father and mother are older, too.

[Higgins]

How odd.

[Tommy Roberts]

Well, that's because they were born before I was logical. I'm going to be an actress and go on the stage when I grow up.

[Higgins]

My dear Miss Deborah, I assume that Debbie is the diminutive of Deborah.

[Tommy Roberts]

You mean Debbie's my nickname.

[Higgins]

Fine little mind, that's what I mean. Yes. Is it?

[Tommy Roberts]

It's what?

[Higgins]

Little angel, Listen carefully. Is your name not Deborah?

[Tommy Roberts]

Yes, it is. Not Deborah.

[Higgins]

I shall make it extremely simple. When you were born, what were you called?

[Tommy Roberts]

A little girl.

[Higgins]

Oh, I say, this. This conversation is wreaking havoc on my blood pressure. And now, Miss Deborah, with your permission, I should like to withdraw.

[Tommy Roberts]

You have my permission.

[Higgins]

Thank you. I have met the enemy, and they are definitely not Min.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Is that you? Finished?

[Philip Roberts]

Yeah. Yes, it is. Elizabeth.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Oh, thank goodness you've come. Give me a hat and coat.

[Higgins]

Allow me, madam.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Oh, Philip. This is him. He. That man, that is. Well, I mean.

[Higgins]

It's Higgins, sir.

[Philip Roberts]

Oh, how do you do?

[Elizabeth Roberts]

This is my husband, Philip. This is Hippens. I mean, Higgins. Oh, Hawkins. Mrs. Boffin.

[Philip Roberts]

Take it easy, will you, dear? Take it easy. Hold everything. I'll introduce myself. I am Mr. Roberts.

[Higgins]

It's a pleasure, sir. I've been looking forward to this moment ever since I arrived.

[Narrator]

Oh.

[Philip Roberts]

Oh, oh, really?

[Higgins]

Your hat and coat, sir.

[Philip Roberts]

Oh, that's all right, Mr. Higgins.

[Higgins]

It's just Higgins, sir.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Yes, he was just saying Higgins. No front or back.

[Briggs]

Come in.

[Higgins]

Your hat and coats are.

[Philip Roberts]

Huh? Oh, yeah. Yes, yes, yes. Mighty nice of you.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Oh, Higgins, put it in that closet over there.

[Higgins]

Yes, madam, I know. I've investigated all the closets.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

You see what I mean, Philip? He's looked in all my closets. Even Aunt Minnie doesn't look in all my closets.

[Philip Roberts]

All right, dear, all right. I'll have a talk with him.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Be firm, Philip. Don't be afraid.

[Philip Roberts]

Afraid? Why should I be afraid after anything else? What? Oh, yes, yes. As a matter of fact, I'd like to have a little chat with you. At your convenience, of course.

[Higgins]

Very good, sir. Shall we. Shall we go into the drawing room?

[Philip Roberts]

Where's that?

[Higgins]

Right here, sir.

[Philip Roberts]

Oh. Oh, oh, you mean the living room?

[Higgins]

Yes, sir. The drawing room.

[Philip Roberts]

Now, let's talk turkey.

[Higgins]

Turkey, sir?

[Philip Roberts]

I mean, let's. Let's get down to cases. In the first place, how am I related to this Sir Robertson?

[Higgins]

Well, you see, sir, the first Sir Robertson had a son who migrated to America to seek his fortune. And when the revolution broke out, the son fought on the side of the Americas.

[Philip Roberts]

Good for him.

[Higgins]

Yes, sir. And when Sir Robertson heard about that, he Was furious. He disowned his own son, as you might say. He sort of cut him off.

[Philip Roberts]

Cut him off?

[Higgins]

Exactly, sir. Well, the son, who had become typically American by this time, said, since I'm no longer your son, I shall cut you off. And ever since then in this country, Robertson has remained Roberts.

[Philip Roberts]

Oh, I see. See, I'm descended from the Sir Robertson who cut off his son Roberts, who in turn cut off the son from Robertson.

[Higgins]

Precisely.

[Philip Roberts]

Well, I'm a son of a gun.

[Higgins]

If you say so, sir.

[Philip Roberts]

Now, what about this silver?

[Higgins]

The silver was made hundreds of years ago by Queen Anne's own silversmith and was given to the family when the first Sir Robertson was knighted.

[Philip Roberts]

And you mean now it's mine?

[Higgins]

Yes, sir. And here are the papers to prove it.

[Philip Roberts]

Thank you. And what about you?

[Higgins]

I'm yours too, sir.

[Philip Roberts]

You're mine too?

[Higgins]

Rather.

[Philip Roberts]

Well, this is silly, Higgins. I'm sorry, but I just can't pay for a butler.

[Higgins]

But it's all been taken care of, sir. You'll find it in paragraph in very small print.

[Philip Roberts]

You mean you're going to be paid as long as you stay here with me?

[Higgins]

No, sir, no. Only as long as I stay here with the silver.

[Philip Roberts]

Who said so?

[Higgins]

It's all right there, sir. A little further down in the small, small print.

[Philip Roberts]

Higgins, I made up my mind. You will have to go and you can take the silver with you.

[Higgins]

Very good, sir. But I feel I should tell you that this silver is worth £3,000.

[Philip Roberts]

I don't care if it's worth a £3,000. Well, that's about $8,000, approximately.

[Higgins]

Yes, sir, 8,000.

[Philip Roberts]

Higgins, I. Well, no. After all, I don't want to do anything hastily. After all, I just can't throw away 8,000. I mean, well, this is a very serious problem. You can see that, can't you?

[Higgins]

Oh, yes, sir. Yes, indeed, sir. And now, sir, with your permission, I should like to withdraw. Dinner shall be served at six.

[Philip Roberts]

Six? But we always eat at seven.

[Higgins]

I'm sorry, sir, but tonight it will have to be at 6. If the roast beef gets any blacker, I shan't have the strength to serve it.

[Philip Roberts]

All right, but Tomorrow, make it 7:00. That is, if you're still here tomorrow.

[Higgins]

Very good, sir. One more thing, sir. I took the liberty of using the silver service tonight so that you all may have the pleasure of seeing it for the first time.

[Philip Roberts]

Well, that should be interesting.

[Higgins]

Will there be anything else?

[Philip Roberts]

No, no, that's all. I. Thank you, Mr. Higgins.

[Higgins]

It's Higgins. S.

[Philip Roberts]

Let's See, here It is, paragraph 10. All monies to be paid for the service of the last of the Higgins family shall be provided by the last of the Robertson family. To wit. What?

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Oh, where have you been? I've been looking for you all over the house.

[Philip Roberts]

I've just been reading this will. A remarkable document. I can't understand a word of it.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Never mind the will, Philip. Did you or did you not ask him to leave?

[Philip Roberts]

Yes.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Is he?

[Philip Roberts]

No.

[Tommy Roberts]

What?

[Philip Roberts]

Well, not exactly. No. You see, I told him we'd talk it over and let him know.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Philip, there is nothing to talk over. He must go. What am I going to do with a man around the house all day?

[Philip Roberts]

Oh, he's not really a man. He's an Englishman. I. I mean, he's buster.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Philip, you. You didn't tell.

[Philip Roberts]

I did, dear, I did. But there are other considerations. Do you realize that he goes. The silver has to go with him.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

I don't care. I have my own silver.

[Philip Roberts]

But this silver's worth at least $10,000.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

I don't care if it. How much?

[Philip Roberts]

At least 10,000.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

$10,000 for a silver service must be made of gold.

[Philip Roberts]

So you see, dear, that's just one of the considerations that we have to think about.

[Tommy Roberts]

Hello, dad.

[Philip Roberts]

Oh, hello, dear.

[Tommy Roberts]

Did you come to see our butler? Well, dear, isn't he just scrumptious? Oh, can you just possibly imagine how all the girls will just die of envy now that they know we have a butler.

[Philip Roberts]

Just a minute. Just a minute. What do you mean, now that they know? He just got here.

[Tommy Roberts]

Oh, I've called them all on the phone. They're all just dying to meet him. Imagine him going to the door and saying to Pudgy, Ms. Roberts is not receiving today. If you will leave your card, I will inform her that you called.

[Philip Roberts]

Hey, this is getting more complicated than I thought.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

That's another consideration.

[Tommy Roberts]

Hiya, Pop. Did you come to see.

[Philip Roberts]

Yes, I came to see the butler.

[Tommy Roberts]

Boy, is he a. Pop, that man has to go. It's either he or me. It's either he or I.

[Philip Roberts]

Don't tell me you're going too.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

You see, Philip, he's breaking up our home.

[Philip Roberts]

Now, wait a minute. Now, wait a minute. One at a time. Now, Tommy, what's this ultimatum about?

[Elizabeth Roberts]

I can't tell you, Pop.

[Tommy Roberts]

You just have to take my word for it. He and me, he and I. Now, you stay out of this. Him and I cannot stay under the same roof.

[Philip Roberts]

I just can't throw him out like that. Tommy, unless you tell me why.

[Tommy Roberts]

Okay. Here it comes. Have you been dressing yourself all your life?

[Philip Roberts]

What a silly question. Of course I have.

[Tommy Roberts]

Well, you can kiss those days goodbye. From now on, he's going to dress you. He tried to dress me for dinner. Mother, you don't suppose. Your prize, the beast.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

If you don't get rid of that satin be.

[Tommy Roberts]

You see, Pop, I told you.

[Philip Roberts]

Wait a minute. Calm down, everybody. Now, let me explain. He is a gentleman's gentleman. He has nothing to do with the ladies.

[Briggs]

He better not.

[Philip Roberts]

When he says he wants to dress you, he merely means that he'll lay out your clothes. You know, like in all those.

[Briggs]

Mrs. Robert, I am given my notice.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

I will not stay in this house another minute, Rigsy. Not after all these years.

[Tommy Roberts]

What do you mean?

[Elizabeth Roberts]

What's going on?

[Briggs]

Quiet.

[Philip Roberts]

Quiet. Now, what is there about Higgins you can't stand?

[Briggs]

All day long he's been in my kitchen insulting my roast beef and saying that he was going to set the table. And after 17 years, I'm not good enough to serve the food. He's going to serve the supper.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Philip, do something. I will not have that man here another moment.

[Tommy Roberts]

Oh, but, Mother, think of the press.

[Briggs]

Throw him out, Pop.

[Tommy Roberts]

You'll make sissies out of it.

[Higgins]

It's him or me.

[Tommy Roberts]

It's he or I.

[Briggs]

It's me or him.

[Philip Roberts]

Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute. One at a time. Now, listen, everyone. This is an important decision we have to make. Let's not be too hasty. After all, there are.

[Tommy Roberts]

I begging your pardon, but is that you, Father? Did you come home?

[Philip Roberts]

Yes, yes, I came home to save the butler.

[Tommy Roberts]

Isn't he charming? I find him utterly fascinating.

[Philip Roberts]

Debbie, stop that.

[Tommy Roberts]

I beg your pardon, father, but it's Ms. Deborah.

[Higgins]

Debbie.

[Tommy Roberts]

Debbie, stop joking.

[Philip Roberts]

Now, Debbie, behave yourself.

[Tommy Roberts]

Really, Father, this conversation is wreaking havoc on my blood pressure.

[Philip Roberts]

What?

[Elizabeth Roberts]

She got that from Higgins.

[Tommy Roberts]

Debbie, you're spoiling him. It's Ms. Deborah.

[Philip Roberts]

Well, this is the last straw. I'm going to get rid of that man if. If I have to throw him out myself.

[Tommy Roberts]

Attaboy, Father. You don't know what.

[Higgins]

Dinner is served.

[Philip Roberts]

Higgins served nothing. Shall we all dine?

[Elizabeth Roberts]

I must admit, this silver is beautiful. And he does serve so graciously.

[Philip Roberts]

But why did we have to eat it in the dark? He turned out all the lights.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

He says the silver looks more beautiful in candlelight. Are you enjoying your dinner?

[Philip Roberts]

No.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Why not?

[Philip Roberts]

I'm a funny guy. I like to see what I mean.

[Tommy Roberts]

Father, I'll never forget the expression on your face when you started to eat your soup. And it turned out to be gravy.

[Philip Roberts]

Very funny.

[Tommy Roberts]

Why is everyone talking in whispers?

[Higgins]

I'm not, Master Thomas. More potatoes?

[Tommy Roberts]

No, thanks.

[Philip Roberts]

You were saying, Tom?

[Tommy Roberts]

I think.

[Higgins]

I think at all, Miss Deborah. Will there be something else?

[Tommy Roberts]

No, thank you, Higgins. Everything has just been zippy.

[Higgins]

Shall I serve the coffee in here, madam, or will you take it in the drawing room?

[Elizabeth Roberts]

We'll have it in here, if you don't mind, Higgins.

[Higgins]

Very good, madam. Will you pour or shall I?

[Briggs]

Up till yesterday I brought the coffee to the table. In the cup.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

You make more, Higgins.

[Higgins]

Very good, madam.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

I wonder who that can be.

[Briggs]

I'll open it.

[Tommy Roberts]

No, I'll get it. It's probably Pudgy.

[Philip Roberts]

Oh, no, not again.

[Briggs]

Sit down, everyone. I'll see who it is.

[Higgins]

Briggs, if you will go back to your kitchen, I think I can handle this emergency.

[Tommy Roberts]

Higgins, will you see who's at the door, Debbie?

[Higgins]

Yes, thank you, Miss. Deborah.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Deborah. You're not to give orders.

[Tommy Roberts]

Mother, I can't hear who it is.

[Higgins]

Whom do you wish to see? Come, come, young man. Close your mouth and stop staring at me.

[Tommy Roberts]

Mother, that's Pudgy.

[Higgins]

Miss Roberts is still at dinner.

[Philip Roberts]

Sit down, Nancy. He'll be announced when dinner is over.

[Tommy Roberts]

But, Father, he doesn't know.

[Philip Roberts]

Sit down, Elizabeth. I think I like this. Imagine not having Pudgy bouncing in here to spoil my dinner.

[Higgins]

Shall I take your card in?

[Philip Roberts]

Card?

[Tommy Roberts]

Pudgy doesn't have a card.

[Higgins]

You left at home. May I suggest you go home and get her?

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Father?

[Tommy Roberts]

He's chasing Pudgy away.

[Philip Roberts]

This idea looks better all the time, Mother.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Who was it, Higgins?

[Higgins]

I really couldn't tell, madam. Some rather frightening looking object with porcupine hair. Oh, he was horrible. Stood staring at me with wide open fish eyes.

[Tommy Roberts]

That was Pudgy, Mother. He's chased Pudgy away.

[Higgins]

The. The gentleman did say he would be back sometime later this evening.

[Tommy Roberts]

If anyone calls for me, I have retired to my bedwar.

[Philip Roberts]

Debbie, if I have to speak to you again. And you needn't ask Higgins to answer the bell.

[Higgins]

Thank you, sir.

[Tommy Roberts]

Boy, now I know what it's like.

[Higgins]

To eat in a prison. Whom do you wish to see?

[Briggs]

Whom do I wish to see? Whom the blazes are you?

[Higgins]

I am Higgins. Were you expected?

[Briggs]

Was I expected? I'm always expected. I'm Aunt Milly. Now get out of my way or I'll trample you down.

[Higgins]

If you'll wait in the drawing room, the family are still at dinner.

[Briggs]

At dinner? They don't eat dinner till 7:00. And it's only quarter of now. Out of my way.

[Higgins]

If you persist in barging in, madam, I should be forced to restrain you physically.

[Briggs]

You dare lay a hand on me?

[Philip Roberts]

What's going on out here anyway?

[Briggs]

Philip, get this overdressed baboon out of my way.

[Philip Roberts]

Well, Aunt Millie, how nice of you to drop in.

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Aunt Millie, how sweet of you to visit. Do come in.

[Higgins]

Shall I set another place, madam?

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Yes, if you please.

[Briggs]

Higgins, what's the meaning of this? I've never been so insulted in my life. Imagine, keeping me out of my own great niece's house.

[Philip Roberts]

Here, here, sit down, Aunt Millie, and.

[Higgins]

I'll tell you all about it.

[Briggs]

Now seize your fellow. Have you been holding out on me? Since when can you afford a butler?

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Oh, he came with the silver service.

[Briggs]

What silver service? The only silver service in this family is the one I was going to. Will you?

[Higgins]

Well, we.

[Philip Roberts]

We don't need it now. We have some thank you, from my side of the family.

[Briggs]

See here. Phillip, why, I won't have you doing this.

[Higgins]

I'm begging your pardon, Aunt Millie. You take coffee?

[Briggs]

What do you mean, coffee? I take the whole dinner.

[Higgins]

I'm sorry, Aunt Millie. Dinner has been served, Philip.

[Philip Roberts]

Sorry, Aunt Milly, but you heard the man.

[Briggs]

But Philip, you have a rule in this house. The dinner is at 7:00 and it's only a quarter to 7.

[Philip Roberts]

Will you see, Aunt Milly? Higgins is used to serving dinner at 6.

[Briggs]

Well, up all the nerve. Philip, you seem to forget that your family is mentioned in my will.

[Philip Roberts]

Millie, I think one will a day is enough. That's how we got Higgins. And this silver you see before you worth at least $15,000. Cream, Aunt Milly.

[Briggs]

Don't you Aunt Milly me, you stuffed shirt. Philip, this is all a frame up. You Elizabeth?

[Elizabeth Roberts]

Yes, I'm Milly.

[Briggs]

Where did you get this lace tablecloth?

[Elizabeth Roberts]

I don't know. Higgins got it.

[Briggs]

This looks familiar. I thought so. Great land of Goen. You're eating on my grandmother's bloomers. Philip. Just look me straight in the eye. Philip, either that man goes this instant or I do. Philip, perhaps you didn't hear me. I said either that man leaves or I do. Well, well.

[Philip Roberts]

Higgins, come here. I want to shake your hand.

[Higgins]

Very good, sir.

[Philip Roberts]

Oh, Higgins. For years I've been trying to get rid of that old Betty. For years she's been coming here at a quarter of seven, just in time to get invited for dinner.

[Higgins]

And you got rid of her.

[Philip Roberts]

The house is yours, Mr. Higgins.

[Higgins]

It's Higgins, sir.

[Narrator]

This has been it's Higgins, sir, the first in a new comedy series starring Harry McNaughton, with Vinton Hayworth and Peggy Allenby as Mr. And Mrs. Roberts. It's Higgins, sir was written, produced and directed by Paul Harrison. The preceding program was transcribed.

[Philip Roberts]

Join Jack Pearl next on NBC.