It's Higgins, Sir 51-07-24 (04) Summer Vacation

Summary

Podcast Summary: "It's Higgins, Sir 51-07-24 (04) Summer Vacation"

Introduction In this engaging episode of "Harold's Old Time Radio" titled "It's Higgins, Sir 51-07-24 (04) Summer Vacation," listeners are transported back to the charming era of the Golden Age of Radio. The story revolves around the Roberts family's annual summer vacation at their lakeside cabin, now complicated by the unexpected addition of Higgins, their reluctant butler.

Setting the Scene The episode opens with the Roberts family eagerly preparing for their traditional summer getaway to Lake Platatuckee, a favorite retreat nestled deep in the woods. The anticipation is palpable as Mr. Roberts announces a change in plans:

Mr. Roberts [00:31]: "There's no Mr. It's Higgins, sir."

This line introduces Higgins, the butler, whose presence adds a new dynamic to the family's vacation preparations.

Introducing the Conflict As the family discusses their upcoming vacation, Higgins expresses his discomfort with the idea of spending time in the great outdoors:

Higgins [02:38]: "I loathe the outdoors."

This reluctance sets the stage for the central conflict of the episode: Higgins' aversion to nature versus the family's enthusiasm for their annual tradition.

Family Dynamics and Themes Throughout the episode, the diverse personalities within the Roberts family come to the forefront, highlighting both humor and familial bonds. Deborah's request for pleasant-smelling mosquito repellent adds a humorous touch to the practical challenges of vacation planning:

Deborah [01:51]: "Mother, could we get some mosquito stuff that smells. Smells nice?"

Notable Quote:

Higgins [03:30]: "Indians? Indians, Madam. Madam, I have a very strong feeling. I should stay behind and look after the house."

This line underscores Higgins' anxiety about the unfamiliar outdoor setting and foreshadows the comedic complications to come.

Unexpected Visitors: Aunt Millie The plot thickens with the arrival of Aunt Millie, who unexpectedly decides to stay with the Roberts family. Her presence introduces further tension and humor as she navigates her role within the family dynamic:

Aunt Millie [12:11]: "Philip, why didn't you answer the door?"

Her proactive and slightly overbearing nature leads to a series of misunderstandings and comedic interactions, especially when dealing with supposed intruders at the cabin.

Surreal Humor and Situations The episode is rich with surreal humor, particularly in scenes where Higgins and Mr. Roberts deal with typical outdoor nuisances in exaggerated ways:

Mr. Roberts [21:50]: "Poison ivy."

This simple statement highlights the family's light-hearted approach to the inevitable challenges of vacationing in nature.

Climactic Moments Aunt Millie's confrontations with intruders escalate the tension, culminating in over-the-top reactions that blend humor with suspense:

Aunt Millie [29:05]: "When he came into the room and was pussy-footing around, I took a Texas roundhouse swing up from the floor and clobbered him one right in the eye. He'll have a regular Texas shiner in the morning."

Her brash response adds a wild twist to the narrative, leading to a humorous resolution as the family decides to continue with their vacation despite the chaos.

Conclusion As the episode wraps up, the Roberts family, along with Higgins, come to terms with the unexpected twists of their vacation. The blend of family dynamics, humorous misunderstandings, and Higgins' quirky personality creates a delightful homage to classic radio storytelling.

Final Thoughts "It's Higgins, Sir 51-07-24 (04) Summer Vacation" masterfully combines elements of family comedy, character-driven humor, and nostalgic references to the Golden Age of Radio. The introduction of Higgins adds a fresh layer of interaction, making the episode both entertaining and memorable for listeners.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• Higgins [02:38]: "I loathe the outdoors."
  Higgins expresses his reluctance about the vacation.

• Higgins [03:30]: "Indians? Indians, Madam. Madam, I have a very strong feeling. I should stay behind and look after the house."
  Highlights Higgins' anxiety about the outdoor setting.

• Aunt Millie [12:11]: "Philip, why didn't you answer the door?"
  Aunt Millie's unexpected arrival leads to comedic tension.

• Aunt Millie [29:05]: "When he came into the room and was pussy-footing around, I took a Texas roundhouse swing up from the floor and clobbered him one right in the eye. He'll have a regular Texas shiner in the morning."
  Aunt Millie's over-the-top reaction to intruders.

• Mr. Roberts [21:50]: "Poison ivy."
  Mr. Roberts humorously comments on the challenges of outdoor living.

Episode Wrap-Up Overall, this episode stands out for its witty dialogue, relatable family scenarios, and the seamless integration of humor with classic radio storytelling techniques. "It's Higgins, Sir 51-07-24 (04) Summer Vacation" offers a delightful listen for those who appreciate nostalgic entertainment infused with timeless humor.

Transcript

[Nicole Byer]

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[Mr. Roberts]

Ooh.

[Nicole Byer]

Fierce. This has been your Wayfarer style tip to keep those interiors superior.

[Mr. Roberts]

Wayfair.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Every style.

[Mr. Roberts]

Every home.

[Higgins]

There's no Mr. It's Higgins, sir.

[Narrator]

The National Broadcast of Company presents a new comedy series. It's Higgins, Sir. Created and transcribed by Paul Harrison and starring Harry Magnotton as Higgins. Every summer for the past 15 years, the entire Roberts family has gone to their lakeside cabin in the woods. And now, on this long, hot summer afternoon, the magic words have been spoken again.

[Tommy]

Oh, boy. Lake Platatuckee.

[Narrator]

Yes, Mr. Roberts. Vacation starts tomorrow, and the family leaves for the cooling breezes of their summer.

[Higgins]

Home, called the Robert's Nest.

[Narrator]

But of course, this year, something new has accidentally been added to the Roberts family. Higgins, the butler.

[Higgins]

Me? Go to the woods?

[Narrator]

Yes, Higgins objects. But what about Mr. Roberts?

[Mr. Roberts]

I've gone to the blasted cabin every year for 15 years. This year I'm gonna rest and play golf at home.

[Narrator]

Yes, summer vacation is a little more complicated this year.

[Deborah]

Mother, could we get some mosquito stuff that smells. Smells nice?

[Mr. Roberts]

This year.

[Deborah]

When I had on last year, the only place the boys would take me was fishing.

[Narrator]

Yes, Operation Vacation is in full swing today. D day, minus one.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Who's there?

[Higgins]

It's Higgins, madam. I believe I've located all the bathing caps, madam.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Thank you, Higgins. Now, what about your packing?

[Higgins]

My packing, madam?

[Mrs. Roberts]

Of course, you'll need some outdoor things.

[Higgins]

Outdoors, madam. I loathe the outdoors.

[Deborah]

But, Higgins, we could go on hikes. There's a great big swamp about five miles away.

[Higgins]

Swamp? I say, there's a misunderstanding here. I'm Higgins, not Chloe.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Now, now, Higgins, I'm sure you'll enjoy staying at the Robert's Nest.

[Higgins]

Robert's Nest? You mean, madam, you're living in a tree.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Oh, no, no, no. Robert's Nest. Robin's Nest. I made up the name myself.

[Higgins]

Robert's Nest. Now I understand that American expression. Strictly for the birds.

[Tommy]

Robert's Nest. Nestled on the wooded shores of Lake Platatuckee, deep in the mountains of Loom County.

[Higgins]

Lake Platatuckee?

[Deborah]

Sure, it's an Indian name. And there's lots of Indians up there, too.

[Higgins]

Indians? Indians, Madam. Madam, I have a Very strong feeling. I should stay behind and look after the house.

[Tommy]

Aunt Higgins, you don't need to be afraid of them. All they do is run an old souvenir stand.

[Deborah]

Yeah, they sell baskets and blankets and old, dried up scalps.

[Higgins]

Yeah, Scalps. Did you say scalps, Ms. Deborah?

[Deborah]

Sure, scalps with hair on it. I bought one last year. Do you want to see it?

[Higgins]

Thank you, no. But I must force myself to forego the pleasure. I'll answer it. Scalps. Scalps. Over here. The only safe head is a bald head. Oh, it's you, Mr. Roberts.

[Mr. Roberts]

Sorry to ring, Higgins, but I forgot my key. Ah, look at me, Higgins. No more office for two weeks.

[Higgins]

I see, sir. Your holiday has begun.

[Mr. Roberts]

Ah, yes, sir. Vacation. You see before you a man as free as a bird.

[Higgins]

Yes, and the nest is waiting for you.

[Mr. Roberts]

What nest?

[Higgins]

The nest on Lake Tatatuki. Land of the swarming savages, all that.

[Mr. Roberts]

Higgins, come closer.

[Higgins]

Yes, sir.

[Mr. Roberts]

If I play my cards right, I'm not going.

[Higgins]

Not going, sir? Would you mind if I played cards with you?

[Mr. Roberts]

Higgins, I've gone up there for 15 years. I've come home dead tired, coveted with poison ivy, eaten alive by mosquitoes, chased up trees by snakes, bruised. I'm telling you, Higgins, I come back and they're a physical and mental wreck.

[Higgins]

The cabin in the woods sounds idyllic.

[Mr. Roberts]

Yes, well, I'm going right up and speak to Mrs. Roberts. Just leave everything to me.

[Higgins]

Very good, sir.

[Mr. Roberts]

Oh, Elizabeth.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Oh, Phillip, is that you? Come right on up. I've started packing your suitcase.

[Higgins]

Already?

[Mr. Roberts]

Yes, dear. Don't worry about a thing.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Higgins, did you remember to get your injections at the doctor's office, dear?

[Mr. Roberts]

What do you mean, injections?

[Mrs. Roberts]

Yes, dear. Your shots for poison ivy and hay fever. You didn't get poison ivy or hay fever for a whole week last year.

[Mr. Roberts]

I know. I was so stiff in the shots, I didn't get outside for a week to catch either one.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Now, now, help me pack your suitcase.

[Mr. Roberts]

Elizabeth, I've. I've been thinking, dear. This year I'd like you and the children to go up without me.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Without you? Oh, but you've always come along. The children wouldn't have any fun without you.

[Mr. Roberts]

Well, they could hike a lot further. Last year I felt pretty silly having the three of them carry me home.

[Mrs. Roberts]

That wasn't your fault after all. You did sp.

[Mr. Roberts]

Yes, but how? Twisting to slap a mosquito in the middle of my back.

[Mrs. Roberts]

They'd be so unhappy if you didn't go, Phyllis.

[Mr. Roberts]

No, no, no, no. You. You and the children go. I'LL just take a quiet week or two, playing golf and resting and. And then come up on weekends.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Well, I don't know. You'd be here all alone.

[Mr. Roberts]

Oh, no, I wouldn't. Higgins is gonna stay here with me.

[Deborah]

Oh.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Oh, of course. How nice. He could look after you.

[Higgins]

What. What needs to be done now, madam?

[Mrs. Roberts]

Higgins, I'm afraid I have a little disappointment for you.

[Higgins]

I'll brace myself, madam.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Mr. Roberts is staying here and I want you to stay with him.

[Higgins]

I can't go to the cabin. Oh, madam, what a bitter disappointment.

[Mrs. Roberts]

I'm sorry, Higgins. I didn't realize you actually looked forward to it.

[Higgins]

Oh, you have no idea, madam. I'm simply crushed.

[Mr. Roberts]

Higgins, don't overdo him.

[Mrs. Roberts]

What's that? Be it.

[Mr. Roberts]

I told Higgins we'd go up over the weekend.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Oh, well. And now I must keep on with the packing. We're leaving very early in the morning.

[Higgins]

You did it, sir. Oh, bully for you.

[Mr. Roberts]

Let's not push our luck, Higgins. Never count your chickens till they're hatched.

[Higgins]

Yes, sir, but you did lay a dandy, eg.

[Deborah]

Bye, Carl. We're gonna miss you.

[Mr. Roberts]

Goodbye, dear. Higgins and I'll be up for the weekend.

[Mrs. Roberts]

I'll take good care of Mr. Roberts, Higgins.

[Higgins]

You may depend upon me, madam.

[Mr. Roberts]

Yeah, he'll take. Drive carefully, Higgins.

[Higgins]

Yes, sir.

[Mr. Roberts]

Listen.

[Higgins]

I don't hear anything, sir.

[Mr. Roberts]

I know. Beautiful. Gorgeous. Quiet.

[Higgins]

Cozy, isn't it, sir? Just the two of us.

[Mr. Roberts]

Well, take off your coat and make yourself comfortable. Higgins.

[Higgins]

Yes? Take my coat off, sir?

[Mr. Roberts]

Yes, take it off. It's a hot day.

[Higgins]

But after all, sir, I haven't removed my coat in the presence of. Of others since I was a child.

[Mr. Roberts]

Higgins, I'm not asking for a striptease. Just take your coat off.

[Higgins]

If you say so, sir. But I shall feel positively nude.

[Mr. Roberts]

Oh, this is wonderful.

[Higgins]

This.

[Mr. Roberts]

This calls for a celebration, Higgins.

[Higgins]

Very good, sir. I shall get the tea.

[Mr. Roberts]

Tea? All right. You tend to the tea. I'll answer the bell. No. Now, why should I? What do we care? We're free and independent. I'm not expecting anyone. I'm not going to answer it.

[Higgins]

Here's the teaser. Whoever was at the door seems to have left.

[Mr. Roberts]

I wonder why I didn't think of this 15 years ago.

[Higgins]

One lump or two, sir?

[Mr. Roberts]

Three. I'm gonna live.

[Higgins]

I'm so happy for you, sir.

[Mr. Roberts]

Higgins.

[Higgins]

Yes, sir?

[Mr. Roberts]

How are you at poker?

[Higgins]

Poker, sir?

[Mr. Roberts]

Sure. Poker.

[Higgins]

Are you referring to part of a fireplace?

[Mr. Roberts]

No, no, no, Higgins. It's a card game. Poker?

[Higgins]

A card game. Oh, I see. I see. You hit each other.

[Mr. Roberts]

I. I'm going to enjoy playing poker with you, Higgins.

[Higgins]

I hope I warrant your high opinion, sir.

[Mr. Roberts]

I called a few of the boys in the office this morning. I've got a nice little poker session all set up for tonight.

[Higgins]

I see. There goes that bell. Sounds like a fire alarm.

[Mr. Roberts]

Oh, let it ring. Here, have a cigar.

[Higgins]

But, Mr. Roberts, I don't smoke.

[Mr. Roberts]

Oh, have one anyway.

[Higgins]

They seem very nice.

[Mr. Roberts]

Darn good cigars. With one of these you can really relax.

[Higgins]

You're right, sir. I can feel myself letting go already.

[Mr. Roberts]

I wouldn't smoke too fast. Strong, you know.

[Higgins]

Oh, I like it.

[Mr. Roberts]

Yes. Well, have fun while you can.

[Higgins]

The phone. Would you answer it, sir? I'm feeling much too relaxed.

[Mr. Roberts]

Interesting shade of green you're turning now. Let the phone ring. Ever notice what a big part bells play in our lives? Higgins?

[Higgins]

Oh, yes, sir. The phone again. I wonder for whom the bells toll.

[Mr. Roberts]

Oh, Higgins.

[Higgins]

Sorry, sir. It's this cigar. It seems to be making me lose.

[Mr. Roberts]

My sense of balance. Oh, higgin, what a peachy smoke ring you just blew.

[Higgins]

I did? I wasn't aware of it, sir.

[Mr. Roberts]

Look, look, you did it again. Two small round smoke rings side by side.

[Higgins]

They probably came out of my eyes, sir. The fireman is back, sir. He seems to have brought an axe with him.

[Mr. Roberts]

Sounds like that big bad wolf. Well, this piggy's house is made of stone. Pour me some more tea, Higgins.

[Higgins]

Yes, sir. I say, my word. Now they're trying to come in through the windows.

[Mr. Roberts]

Hey, Higgins, look at that horrible face staring at us through the window.

[Higgins]

That's no face, sir. It's your Aunt Millie's.

[Aunt Millie]

Philip, open the door.

[Mr. Roberts]

Aunt Millie. Oh, Higgins, we're trapped like rats.

[Higgins]

We could run for it, sir.

[Mr. Roberts]

It's no use. She can run faster than either one of us.

[Aunt Millie]

Open up before I break the door.

[Mr. Roberts]

Hello, Aunt Millie. Was that you who was knocking?

[Aunt Millie]

No, it was the big bad wolf. And what are you two little piggies up to?

[Mr. Roberts]

Well, Aunt Millie, I.

[Aunt Millie]

Sitting around in your shirt sleeves smoking cigars. Uh huh. I. I thought so. What's in these teacups?

[Deborah]

Tea.

[Higgins]

Madam? What did you expect, aviation gasoline?

[Aunt Millie]

Well, I never. Philip, why didn't you answer the door?

[Mr. Roberts]

I couldn't hear it. Tommy's turtles were sneezing.

[Aunt Millie]

I sent a telegram. I phoned. I came out twice.

[Mr. Roberts]

Well, if I'd known it was you.

[Aunt Millie]

Aunt Millie, my apartment's being redecorated and I wired to tell you I was coming to stay here for a few days. I knew you'd Be at the cabins. Say, why haven't you and your. Your whatchamacallit gone?

[Higgins]

Madam, I am a butler.

[Aunt Millie]

Well, nobody's perfect.

[Mr. Roberts]

Well, we. We couldn't leave with. With the family, Emily. I had some business to attend to. Very important.

[Aunt Millie]

Well, are you leaving or staying?

[Mr. Roberts]

Are you leaving?

[Aunt Millie]

I'm staying.

[Mr. Roberts]

We're leaving. We're leaving the house to you.

[Higgins]

Your coat, Mr. Roberts.

[Mr. Roberts]

Thank you, Higgins.

[Higgins]

Shall I carry in your bags, madam?

[Aunt Millie]

I can carry them myself. I'm no weakling.

[Higgins]

I can see that, madam.

[Aunt Millie]

I'll bring them in. The idea not answering the phone.

[Mr. Roberts]

Higgins, let's get out of here.

[Higgins]

To the cabin, sir.

[Mr. Roberts]

It's poison ivy or Aunt Millie. Now, take your pick.

[Higgins]

I don't know what poison ivy is, but without hesitation, I take my choice. Which way to the woods?

[Aunt Millie]

Hey, Mom, I found deer tracks.

[Mrs. Roberts]

That sounds very nice, dear.

[Deborah]

Say, mom, would you call on chlorophone in the funnel? I want to fix this rhinoceros beetle for my collection.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Certainly, dear. Oh, it's a lovely beetle. Are they rare?

[Deborah]

Not around here, boy. Say, Mother, how does my bathing suit look?

[Mrs. Roberts]

Let me see it, dear. Go put it on, Mother.

[Deborah]

It is on.

[Mrs. Roberts]

All of it, dear.

[Mr. Roberts]

Mother.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Well, I certainly hope it doesn't shrink.

[Deborah]

Mom, look down the road. A couple of men walking.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Goodness.

[Aunt Millie]

I wonder who they are.

[Tommy]

Hey, I'll get Pop's gun. They might be bumped.

[Deborah]

Oh, boy. I get to shoot one. I get to shoot one. It looks like Higgins and Father.

[Tommy]

Oh, boy, it's Pop.

[Deborah]

I'll bet you Tom. Debbie. Bet you don't.

[Tommy]

It's Pop and Higgins.

[Deborah]

Yeah.

[Aunt Millie]

Hey, Pop.

[Deborah]

Hiya, Pop.

[Mr. Roberts]

Don't. Don't jump, Debbie. I'm too tired to fall down. Oh. Oh. Hello.

[Nicole Byer]

We interrupt this program to bring you an important Wayfair message. Wayfair's got style tips for every home. This is Nicole Byer helping you make those rooms flyer. Today's style tip. When it comes to making a statement, treat bold patterns like neutrals. Go wild like an untamed animal. Print area rug under a rustic farmhouse table from wayfair.com. ooh, fierce. This has been your Wayfarer style tip to keep those interiors superior.

[Mr. Roberts]

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[Mr. Roberts]

Hello, sweetheart.

[Tommy]

Let me carry your suitcase.

[Deborah]

I'll carry your piggins.

[Mr. Roberts]

Oh, thank you, Tommy.

[Higgins]

They're quite heavy.

[Mr. Roberts]

Oh, don't be a fool, Higgins. Your knees are caving in.

[Higgins]

Oh, yes, sir. They've been that way for years.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Hello there.

[Mr. Roberts]

Now, let me do the talking, Higgins.

[Higgins]

Very good, sir.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Oh, you two look worn out. What happened?

[Mr. Roberts]

Well. Well, my dear, they. The loneliness was too much for us. We. We just couldn't stand the thought of being away from you for two whole weeks.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Oh, darling, how sweet. I suppose the house did seem pretty barren.

[Higgins]

As a matter of fact, madam, it almost seemed haunted.

[Mr. Roberts]

Yes, things just got worse and worse. So. So, Higgins packed, and here we are. We came up on the train.

[Mrs. Roberts]

The milk train. Why, that stops every mile or two.

[Higgins]

Yes, madam, I understand. Milk is a necessity. But why do the cows have to spread it around so.

[Mr. Roberts]

Yes, I was wrong, Elizabeth. I should have come up with you and the children. Take a big breath of that wonderful air, Higgins.

[Higgins]

I say. I've swallowed something, Pop.

[Tommy]

He took a deep breath and got a whole lung full of nuts.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Nets.

[Aunt Millie]

Yeah, the little tiny bugs. They won't hurt you.

[Higgins]

My word. For one horrible moment, I thought the air was alive.

[Mrs. Roberts]

But why did you walk from the village? Wasn't Mordecai there to drive you up?

[Mr. Roberts]

Oh, yes. Yes, he was there. But Minerva wouldn't start. Mordecai cranked and cranked, and the silly.

[Higgins]

Car just stood there and sneered.

[Tommy]

Hey, Pop, I found deer tracks this morning. You want to follow him?

[Deborah]

No, Daddy. Let's go swim. You want to help me catch some rhinoceros beetle tiggins?

[Mrs. Roberts]

Well, I'd like to go for a ride in the boat. And you row so well.

[Tommy]

Philip, I'll get the fishing stuff. We can see.

[Mr. Roberts]

Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Shouldn't we all just lie down?

[Deborah]

I need some of those big mosquitoes on the lake for my collection. A boat ride would be nice. I could take a sun bath and get a good start on my tan.

[Tommy]

Come on, Higgins. We'll Dig the worms.

[Higgins]

Dig worms, Master Thomas?

[Mr. Roberts]

Well, sure.

[Tommy]

For bait. You put the worm on the hook and the fish tries to eat it.

[Higgins]

I see. Doesn't that sort of treatment make the worm rather cynical?

[Mr. Roberts]

I'm on fire.

[Higgins]

You are an interesting lobster. Red, sir.

[Mr. Roberts]

Higgins?

[Higgins]

Yes, sir?

[Mr. Roberts]

How's my back?

[Higgins]

Blistered, sir. Mosquito. Mosquito?

[Mr. Roberts]

Yes, they carry harpoons.

[Higgins]

That one seems to have lighted on your back, sir.

[Mr. Roberts]

We'll kill him. Slap him.

[Higgins]

If you say so, sir.

[Mr. Roberts]

Oh, my.

[Higgins]

I. I exterminated the mosquito, sir.

[Mr. Roberts]

Per. He's better off than I am.

[Higgins]

I'm sorry, sir. But you said to kill him.

[Mr. Roberts]

Well, did you have to do it so enthusiastically?

[Deborah]

Would you like some mosquito repellent, Daddy?

[Mr. Roberts]

Yes. Yes, dear. Put. Put some on me, Higgins.

[Higgins]

Very well, sir. Thank you so much, Miss Nancy.

[Deborah]

Let me know if it works. It's some new stuff I bought.

[Mr. Roberts]

Put some on me. Right away, Higgins.

[Higgins]

I'm opening the bottle, sir.

[Mr. Roberts]

I think a skunk just passed the porch.

[Higgins]

Ah, here we are, sir. I'll start with your back.

[Mr. Roberts]

Oh. Oh, Higgins, that feels so nice and cool.

[Higgins]

Could that skunk of return, sir?

[Mr. Roberts]

It's on the porch with us.

[Higgins]

It use a what? A mosquito repellent.

[Mr. Roberts]

Oh, no. And it's all over me.

[Higgins]

No wonder the mosquitoes won't bite. When you wear this, you turn their stomachs.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Tommy, Debbie, it's your bedtime.

[Deborah]

Okay, Mom. I just caught a June bug.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Tommy, are you going to sleep in your tent?

[Higgins]

Yep.

[Aunt Millie]

It's all fixed.

[Tommy]

I got my hunting knife and my flashlight.

[Deborah]

Where am I going to sleep?

[Mrs. Roberts]

In the bedroom with Nancy. Higgins, you'll have the attic room.

[Higgins]

The attic room, madam? But some of my things are still in your room.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Oh, that's all right. You can leave them there for tonight. Well, I'm going to bed. I'm simply worn out.

[Mr. Roberts]

Well, I'll sit up with Higgins for a while, dear.

[Deborah]

Good night, Pop.

[Mr. Roberts]

Good night, dear.

[Deborah]

Good night, Higgins.

[Higgins]

Pleasant dreams, Ms. Deborah.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Good night, all.

[Higgins]

What's that, sir?

[Mr. Roberts]

A bullfrog.

[Higgins]

Thank goodness. I thought it was a new breed of mosquitoes.

[Mr. Roberts]

What's the matter, Higgins?

[Higgins]

I seem to have some sort of a nasty itch, sir. Nasty itch? Around my wrists and legs.

[Narrator]

You lucky boy.

[Mr. Roberts]

Poison ivy.

[Higgins]

Poison ivy. What's that, sir?

[Mr. Roberts]

You have it. Scratch and observe.

[Higgins]

What's that, sir?

[Mr. Roberts]

That's a loon.

[Higgins]

That's obvious, sir. Why doesn't somebody catch him and lock him up?

[Mr. Roberts]

No, no, no, Higgins. A loon is a bird. A water bird.

[Higgins]

He's fishing. He's fishing. My word. Who digs his worm.

[Mr. Roberts]

Did you?

[Higgins]

Do you have firearms about you, sir?

[Mr. Roberts]

A gun? Oh, I think there's a shotgun around someplace, sir.

[Higgins]

What time of night would the Indians come? If. That is, if they came.

[Mr. Roberts]

Indians?

[Higgins]

The Platatuki tribes.

[Mr. Roberts]

Oh. Oh, they. They come every Saturday regularly, sir. What, go? Sure, they collect the garbage. The Platatuckies keep pigs? No.

[Higgins]

Forgive me, sir, but you see, I had visions of being scalped. Mr. Roberts, what sort of beast is that?

[Mr. Roberts]

That sounds like Mordecai's Model T Ford.

[Higgins]

I already has it running.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Hello?

[Aunt Millie]

Anybody else?

[Higgins]

My word. The loon has returned.

[Mr. Roberts]

Good grief, Higgins. That's no loon. That's Aunt Millie.

[Higgins]

I still insist the loon has returned.

[Deborah]

Who is it?

[Mr. Roberts]

Daddy?

[Aunt Millie]

Daddy, is that you there on the porch?

[Mr. Roberts]

Yes, Aunt Millie.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Who's out there?

[Aunt Millie]

Elizabeth, is that you?

[Mrs. Roberts]

Why, Aunt Lily, how nice of you to come up.

[Aunt Millie]

Well, I intended to stay at the house while my part was. Was being decorated. Didn't Philip tell you? No.

[Mrs. Roberts]

No, he didn't.

[Mr. Roberts]

Yeah, well, it slipped my mind, dear. You see, Aunt Millie arrived yesterday morning, not long after you and the children left.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Just about the time you were getting so lonesome, dear.

[Mr. Roberts]

Almost exactly.

[Aunt Millie]

Well, late last night, men started trying to get in the house. Dozens of them.

[Mr. Roberts]

Uh.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Oh, men. Philip, what do you know about this?

[Mr. Roberts]

Oh, that. Not so unusual. Perhaps they were business acquaintances.

[Aunt Millie]

Well, I wouldn't give much for the type of business these wolves had in mind. One of them even said I I was a doll.

[Mr. Roberts]

Crazy Joe Ramos?

[Aunt Millie]

Yes. And another thing. How'd they know I was your aunt?

[Mr. Roberts]

What do you mean?

[Aunt Millie]

Well, they kept talking about Annie up.

[Mr. Roberts]

Annie up, Annie up.

[Aunt Millie]

I'll tell you. I absolutely refuse. I just simply refused to stay there another minute. So I came up here. Now, Elizabeth, is it all right?

[Mrs. Roberts]

Oh, of course, Aunt Milly. You go right to our room. Philip and I will move into the attic room.

[Higgins]

Madam, may I remind you that I'm already in the attic. If I go any higher, I'll be in a tree.

[Mr. Roberts]

Higgins, you'll have to sleep in the pup tent with Tommy. Good night, Higgins.

[Higgins]

Good night, sir.

[Aunt Millie]

You know, I have a feeling those men thought I was given some sort of party. Now, where would they get an idea like that?

[Mrs. Roberts]

We'll talk about it tomorrow, Aunt Milly.

[Mr. Roberts]

Oh, what'll we do, Higgins?

[Higgins]

Oh, we'll think of something, sir.

[Aunt Millie]

What was that?

[Mr. Roberts]

A loon, Aunt Milly.

[Aunt Millie]

Tell the old fool to shut up.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Who's that?

[Higgins]

It is I, Master Thomas. I've come to join you in your pup tent.

[Tommy]

Aunt Millie took Your room, huh?

[Higgins]

Your father and mother did. She took theirs.

[Tommy]

Well, when you come into the tent, you gotta get down on your hands and knees.

[Mr. Roberts]

Yes.

[Higgins]

This is like getting two frankfurters in one bun.

[Tommy]

You're making it.

[Higgins]

Oh, shake my word. What's that? It's cold.

[Tommy]

Maybe my flashlight.

[Mr. Roberts]

Yeah.

[Higgins]

Does your flashlight wiggle?

[Tommy]

Gosh, it sounds like a snake.

[Higgins]

A snake? A snake. What am I supposed to do now? Charm it.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Oh, Phillip, lie down. It's late.

[Mr. Roberts]

Oh, it's hot up here.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Of course it is. But we can't do a thing about it.

[Mr. Roberts]

I could shoot myself.

[Mrs. Roberts]

That wouldn't make it any cooler.

[Mr. Roberts]

Why did she have to come up here and drive me out of my nice, cool room? Why?

[Mrs. Roberts]

What are you looking for?

[Mr. Roberts]

A bath towel to mop me up.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Philip, there's a mosquito in this room.

[Mr. Roberts]

Let him bite me. I'll drown him to death.

[Tommy]

Hey, Higgins, I can't sleep.

[Higgins]

You're shaking. Why not? It's cold. Does he get this cold every night?

[Mr. Roberts]

Nah.

[Tommy]

Some nights it gets colder.

[Higgins]

Yeah, I would have been warmer sleeping in a refrigerator. A mosquito.

[Tommy]

Well, don't chase him towards me.

[Higgins]

Quick, open the flap and let him fly out.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Oh, no.

[Tommy]

Then the others will all fly in.

[Higgins]

A regular little landing field, isn't it?

[Tommy]

Watch out, Higgins. Don't let that mosquito bite you on your poison ivy rash.

[Higgins]

Why not let him get poison ivy, too?

[Tommy]

Where are you going?

[Higgins]

To look through my things for some mosquito repellent.

[Tommy]

Okay, but we better have a password so I'll know it's you when you come back.

[Higgins]

Oh, you'll know it's me. Just inhale deeply.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Oh, my goodness. Philip, what was that?

[Mr. Roberts]

It sounded like the Queen Elizabeth making port.

[Aunt Millie]

Oh, what a Philip of Paula. Tear it down.

[Mr. Roberts]

You screamed?

[Aunt Millie]

Yes, Yes. A man. A man came into my room.

[Mr. Roberts]

No man would dare.

[Aunt Millie]

In the dark.

[Mr. Roberts]

That explains it.

[Aunt Millie]

Yes, and I. I opened up and screamed.

[Mr. Roberts]

Well, I'll. I'll take a look.

[Aunt Millie]

Oh, I. I have a feeling it's. It's that fella from last night followed me.

[Mrs. Roberts]

The one who said you were a doll. Aunt Millie?

[Aunt Millie]

Yes, the beast, that is.

[Mr. Roberts]

No one there?

[Mrs. Roberts]

Oh, please calm down, Aunt Millie. No, sir.

[Aunt Millie]

I'm packet and leaving. Philip, get dressed. I want you to drive me to.

[Mr. Roberts]

Town right away, Aunt Millie.

[Mrs. Roberts]

Oh, no, I don't think you should. Aunt Millie. You're safe enough here.

[Mr. Roberts]

Elizabeth. This is Aunt Millie's business. She's made up her mind. You bet I have.

[Aunt Millie]

But I'll bet one thing. That man will remember me.

[Mr. Roberts]

I'm sure he will. Yes, sir.

[Aunt Millie]

When he came into the room and was pussy footing around, I took a Texas roundhouse swing up from the floor and clobbered him one right in the eye. He'll have a regular Texas shiner in the morning.

[Mr. Roberts]

Morning, Mom. What's for breakfast?

[Mrs. Roberts]

Bacon and eggs. Is Higgins up yet?

[Tommy]

He was getting up when I left.

[Mr. Roberts]

No, no, Nancy.

[Tommy]

Oh, I'm sorry, dad.

[Deborah]

But if you want this on your sunburn, you'll just have to stand the pain.

[Mr. Roberts]

All right, dear. All right, that's enough. Thank you. You'd better go help your mother with the breakfast.

[Higgins]

All right. Good morning, Mr. Roberts.

[Mr. Roberts]

Good morning, Higgins. I suppose you heard Aunt Millie leave last night. We're mighty lucky.

[Higgins]

Oh, yes, sir. I heard.

[Mr. Roberts]

She was scared to death. Said some man sneaked into her room and.

[Higgins]

Yes, sir.

[Mr. Roberts]

Higgins, turn around and listen to me.

[Higgins]

Yes, sir.

[Mr. Roberts]

Oh, Higgins.

[Higgins]

Yes, sir.

[Mr. Roberts]

What a gorgeous shiner. A regular Texas sunset.

[Higgins]

If you say so, sir.

[Narrator]

This is then it's HIGGINS Star the fourth new comedy series starring Harry McNaughton with Vinton Hayworth and Peggy Allenby as Mr. And Mrs. Roberts. It's Higgins, sir. Was directed and translated Cried by Paul Harrison and written by Paul Harrison and Rick Vollers. Join Jack Pearl and Mimi Benzel tonight on NBC.

[J]

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