It's Higgins, Sir 51-08-07 (06) Higgins Befriends a Hobo

Summary

It's Higgins, Sir – "Higgins Befriends a Hobo"

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Date: September 10, 2025 (original airdate: 1951)
Theme: A comic exploration of cultural differences, discipline, and the meaning of work, as the English butler Higgins encounters American hobo Pinky, turning the Roberts family upside down for a day.

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Overview

In this delightful Golden Age radio comedy, English butler Higgins continues to navigate the peculiarities of American life in the Roberts household. When he befriends Pinky, a charming hobo seeking a handout, Higgins is drawn into a chain of misunderstandings that challenge conventional notions of discipline, responsibility, and relaxation—much to the amusement and exasperation of the Roberts family.

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Key Discussion Points & Segment Timestamps

1. Morning Discipline and Silver Polishing (00:14–02:23)

• Higgins emphasizes the importance of discipline and hard work to the Roberts children, Tommy and Debbie, as they try to sneak out to a ball game instead of tending the yard.
  • Quote: “Discipline is the keystone in building of character. You both want character, don't you?” – Higgins [01:44]
• Comical confusion over American expressions like "knuckleball."

2. The Arrival of Pinky, the Hobo (02:27–05:08)

• Pinky, in tattered clothes, arrives at the door, spinning elaborate tales and claiming to be a friend of the family.
  • Memorable Moment: Higgins is awkwardly duped into believing Pinky is a guest.
  • Quote: “My accent should make it obvious that I'm not from Dixie. My words, sir. Look at your clothes. Have you been in an accident?” – Higgins [02:46]
  • Quote: "I'm on kind of a walking tour through America...California casuals." – Pinky [03:02]

3. A Lesson in Hobo vs. Bum, and Childhood Fascination (05:17–06:59)

• Tommy and Debbie discover Pinky, sparking a debate over the difference between a “hobo” and a “bum.”
  • Quote: “Please. I am a hobo. There's a big difference between a bum and a hobo.” – Pinky [05:31]
  • Pinky charms the kids, inviting them to see his camp.

4. Parental Concern & Discipline Debates (06:50–08:20)

• Mr. and Mrs. Roberts return to find their children gone with a stranger.
• Mr. Roberts laments losing his influence as a father since Higgins arrived.
  • Quote: “I'm just the man who comes to dinner.” – Mr. Roberts [07:28]
  • Higgins blames American leniency, extolling British discipline.

5. At the Hobo ‘Jungle’ – Romance of the Vagabond Life (08:42–11:08)

• At Pinky’s camp, he spins the virtues of life without work to the children.
  • Quote: “All a man's problems are because he works too hard. You gotta relax. That's the motto. Relax. No insomnia, no ulcers, no bald head.” – Pinky [09:48]
• The kids begin aspiring to be hobos.
  • Quote: "I'm gonna be a bum when I grow up." – Tommy [09:39]
  • “Me too. A lady bum.” – Debbie

6. Confrontation and the Military School Threat (11:14–13:20)

• Mr. Roberts is incensed that Pinky has influenced his children, deciding strict measures are needed—Tommy is to be sent to military school.
  • Quote: “Military school discipline, that's the ticket.” – Mr. Roberts [11:52]

7. The ‘Runaway’ Plan (14:08–15:14)

• Tommy and Debbie, seeking freedom, pack to hit the open road, inspired by Pinky's stories of American liberty.
  • Quote: “Pinky said nobody can make an American do anything.” – Debbie [14:46]
  • Higgins tries to keep the secret but is quickly caught up in the children's plan.

8. Mr. Roberts Confronts Pinky; Hobo Philosophy (16:32–18:31)

• Mr. Roberts finds Pinky to throw him out, but is instead drawn into sharing Mulligan stew and hearing Pinky's philosophy.
  • Quote: “You're all tensed up, all knotted up on the inside...When he's taking it easy, his hair lies nice and relaxed on his head.” – Pinky [18:04]
  • Pinky assures Mr. Roberts his children admire him.

9. Paradigm Shift at Home – The Power of Relaxation (19:00–21:19)

• Mr. Roberts returns home a changed man, promoting relaxation, generosity, and fun to his family.
  • Quote: “This is a free country. This is the land of liberty.” – Mr. Roberts [19:30]
  • Mrs. Roberts is sent out for a shopping spree; the atmosphere becomes exceedingly cheerful.
  • Quote: “But isn't it fun to try?” – Higgins [20:52, on money buying happiness]

10. Reality Returns – The Dream Crumbles (21:38–23:46)

• Mr. Roberts awakens from a nap, worried that Mrs. Roberts may have bought too much—reality (and family finances) hits back.
  • Quote: “Oh, what a horrible dream I had.” – Mr. Roberts [21:43]
  • The arrival of Mrs. Roberts with new purchases culminates in comic alarm.

11. The Final Showdown with Pinky (24:30–28:25)

• Higgins is dispatched to eject Pinky. Instead, he again samples Mulligan stew and finds himself charmed.
• Unexpectedly, Pinky shows up at the Roberts home looking for honest work.
  • Quote: “You see, Mr. Roberts, Pinky wants a job now. Honest work.” – Higgins [27:27]
• Mr. Roberts offers Pinky work in the yard, to everyone’s satisfaction.
  • Quote: “Well, Higgins, I don't know how you did this, but it's fine. I'll give you a job, Pinky.” – Mr. Roberts [27:33]
• Higgins claims it was simple—he extolled the virtues of a happy family life, which inspired Pinky.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Discipline vs. Liberty Paradox:

  • “Discipline is the keystone in building of character.” – Higgins [01:44]
  • “Pinky said nobody can make an American do anything.” – Debbie [14:46]

• On Work and Relaxation:

  • “All a man's problems are because he works too hard. You gotta relax. That's the motto.” – Pinky [09:48]
  • “You know, Higgins, you've got to learn to relax. You're all nervous and tense.” – Mr. Roberts [19:11]

• Transformation Through Stew:

  • “I say, this mulligan is so good, I can't hear a word you're saying.” – Higgins [25:47]
  • “You know, I can tell by a guy's hair if he's relaxing. ...When he's all tensed up and digging for money, the hair stands right up…” – Pinky [18:04]

• On the Dream of Family Life:

  • “I told him what a wonderful thing it was to be happily married, to have a wife who was a fine cook and who skimped and saved her husband's money...” – Higgins describing his encouragement to Pinky [27:55]
  • “Well, who do you know who has all that?” – Mr. Roberts [28:14]
  • “You have me, sir.” – Higgins [28:25]

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Episode Tone & Style

The episode is breezy, witty, and laced with gentle satire about class, discipline, and what it means to live a good life—British standards clash humorously with American optimism and rebelliousness. The language is crisp, full of endearing misunderstandings and playful banter, especially in Higgins's fish-out-of-water quips.

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The Takeaway

The encounter with Pinky the hobo serves as a catalyst for the Roberts family to examine their own values around work, discipline, and the pursuit of happiness. Despite initial disruptiveness, Pinky's relaxed philosophy ultimately leads the family (and even Higgins) toward a more joyful equilibrium. By the end, Pinky decides honest work is worthwhile, the Roberts children learn moderation, and Higgins reverts to his usual, bemused dignity.

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A perfect window into the humor and warmth of classic radio comedy—where a tramp's stew and a butler's earnestness can change a family’s outlook in just half an hour.

Transcript

[Higgins]

There's no mister. It's just Higgins, sir.

[Narrator]

The National Broadcasting Company presents a new comedy series. It's Higgins, sir. Created and transcribed by Paul Harrison and starring Harry MacNaughton as Higgins. It's been six weeks since the Roberts family inherited a Queen Anne silver service and an English butler. The many peculiarities of American life have been a constant stumbling block to Higgins. All the big and little things that make life in America so different from life in Great Britain have kept him in constant turmoil. On this particular morning, Higgins is about to meet another one of those differences. Right now, a hobo is headed for the Rabbits House to ask for a handout. He's about a block away.

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

Boy, Higgins, that silver sure shines when you get through polishing it.

[Higgins]

Master Thomas, old silver is rather like a woman. Lots of attention, careful handling and good polishing now and again makes it last longer.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

Come on, Tommy. You'd better get going, or we'll be late for the ball game.

[Pinky]

Ball game?

[Higgins]

I was under the impression your father had given you some work to do.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

You mean mowing the lawn, weeding the flower beds?

[Higgins]

Precisely. You know, in England, a father would not be as gentle as your father. Discipline is very rigid.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

Discipline? What's that?

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

Well, you know, Debbie, discipline is when we don't get to play baseball.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Let me explain.

[Higgins]

Discipline is the keystone in building of character. You both want character, don't you?

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

Gosh, no. Who wants to be a character?

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

Hey, look, Higgins, we'll do our jobs, but the ball game is important because we promised to be there. You see, I'm pitching today, and I'm catching.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

Please, Tommy, don't throw any knuckleballs.

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

Well, gee whiz, why not? It's my best pitch. Why can't I throw knuckleballs?

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

They hit me in the knuckles. Don't worry about our work, Higgins. We'll do it later.

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

Yeah, the grass won't grow much during a ball game.

[Higgins]

Knuckleball. What on earth is a knuckle ball? A ball with knuckles on it. A knuckle with a ball on it.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Oh, this is silly.

[Higgins]

Good morning, sir.

[Pinky]

Ah, good morning. Is the lady of the house in?

[Higgins]

Mr. And Mrs. Roberts are both out. I'm Higgins.

[Pinky]

Excuse me. I didn't mean to interrupt the wedding.

[Higgins]

The wedding?

[Pinky]

Yes. That suit.

[Higgins]

There's no wedding. This suit I wear all the time, sir. I'm a butler.

[Pinky]

Oh, I see.

[Higgins]

Oh.

[Pinky]

Oh, you're an English butler.

[Higgins]

My accent should make it obvious that I'm not from Dixie. My words, sir. Look at your clothes. Have you been in an accident?

[Pinky]

Oh, what's the matter? Am I bleeding somewhere?

[Higgins]

Your clothes, sir. They're all tattered and torn in shreds, as it were.

[Pinky]

Oh, yes, my clothes. Well, you see, I'm on kind of a walking tour through America. These are my walking clothes. I wouldn't dream of wearing my tuxedo. These were made special for me. California casuals.

[Higgins]

My word is how chic.

[Pinky]

Yes. Say, don't they have hobos in England?

[Higgins]

Hobos, sir? What are hobos?

[Pinky]

Hobos, you know, knights of the road. How much I remember.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Oh, no, no, no, no.

[Higgins]

In England we have nothing like that. If you care to leave your name, I'll tell Mrs. Roberts you called.

[Pinky]

Oh, my name? Well, my name is Pinky. You see, I'm a friend of the family. Pinky?

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Yes, friend of the family. Pinky.

[Higgins]

I don't recall anyone in the family of Roberts mentioning a friend called Pinky. Were you expected, sir?

[Pinky]

Oh, yes, yes, I was expected. Don't tell me you didn't get my telegram.

[Higgins]

Oh, no, we didn't, sir. No. What a shame. The Robertsons would have stayed at home to greet you.

[Pinky]

Ah, well, I'm just as happy they didn't. This way I'll get a chance to have a bite to eat and clean up before they come home.

[Higgins]

Yes, bite to eat. Oh, how rude of me, sir. Come in and sit down, would you?

[Pinky]

Oh, thanks again.

[Higgins]

Thanks.

[Pinky]

I haven't et all day.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Et, eh, et?

[Higgins]

If I knew what that meant, I'd sympathize with you.

[Pinky]

Well, ET et? You know, that's the past tense of eat. You see, for the past few days I've been so tense. I haven't been eating so good.

[Higgins]

You haven't been eating?

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

How loud?

[Higgins]

A bit of turkey, sir. There's nothing like a spot of fowl for a mid morning snack.

[Pinky]

Okay, bring it out and don't bother to slice it. I'll sort of browse over the carcass.

[Higgins]

You know, I admire you so much in your physical life, walking all over America. Ah, the outdoor life, you know. My word, you're quite a sportsman, sir.

[Pinky]

Oh, yes, and on Sundays I play polo. Are you sure they don't have hobos in England? No nights of the road?

[Higgins]

No, sir, no. But we do have nights of the bath.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Bath?

[Pinky]

Please, not while I'm eating.

[Higgins]

Will you be staying overnight, sir?

[Pinky]

Well, I wasn't exactly planning on it.

[Higgins]

I'm sure Mr. Roberts would insist. I'll make up the bed in the spare room. Excuse me, sir.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

I left my catches mitt in the kitchen, Tommy.

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

Well, hurry up and get it.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

Tommy, look, a bone. A real bum right there. Sitting in our kitchen, eating. Chia.

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

Are you a real bum, Mister?

[Pinky]

Please. I am a hobo. There's a big difference between a bum and a hobo.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

What's the difference?

[Pinky]

The difference? Well, what's the difference between beer and champagne?

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

I don't know. I drink milk.

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

Hey, does Higgins know you're a bum?

[Pinky]

If you're not pleased, Hobo. Well, I just remembered a previous engagement. I think I better get going.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

I thought bums didn't have any place to go.

[Pinky]

Hobos, darling.

[Higgins]

Oh, boy.

[Pinky]

Sure, I got a place. Nice little camp in Ferguson's Woods.

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

Camp in Ferguson's Woods?

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

Oh, boy. Can we come along and see you?

[Pinky]

Of course you can come along. I'll just slip this turkey here and right in my bandana. Pretty big there. Now, back of the stick and away we go.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Oh, Mr. Pinky.

[Higgins]

Mr. Pinky. Did you have any luggage? My word, he's gone. Oh, I say. There he goes across the yard with Miss Deborah and Master Thomas. I gather they know him. Come to think of it, Master Thomas must know him. They both dress the same way.

[Mrs. Roberts (Elizabeth Roberts)]

Oh, Higgin, we're home.

[Higgins]

Yes, madam. Yes, madam. I saw you drive up.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Where are Tommy and Debbie?

[Higgins]

They went off, sir, with someone called Pinky.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

They went off to play. And what I said this morning about discipline made no impression on them at all.

[Mrs. Roberts (Elizabeth Roberts)]

You went through all that this morning, dear?

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

I'm going through it again. I like the trip. Higgins. Before you came to us, the children obeyed me. When I spoke to them, they pay attention. They understood what I said to them. Now, what has caused the change?

[Higgins]

Could it be, sir? Your pronunciation has gotten rather sloppy, sir.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

I'm not here very much. Higgins, you're the man around the house now. As far as they're concerned, wife, I'm just the man who comes to dinner.

[Higgins]

Oh, I don't know, sir. The fact that you spend the night should stop them thinking.

[Mrs. Roberts (Elizabeth Roberts)]

Higgins, you said they went with Pinky. Just who is this Pinky?

[Higgins]

Why, the gentleman said he was a very old friend of the family.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

An old friend of mine. But I don't know any Pinky.

[Higgins]

Are you quite sure, sir? He's on a walking tour through America. Wears very old and tattered clothes.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Walking tour? Yeah, old clothes. Hey, James, did this old friend happen to come to the back door?

[Higgins]

Yes, sir, he did.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Higgins, that man was a bum. A good for nothing loafer.

[Higgins]

You know your friends better than I do, sir.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

No, no, Higgins, I mean, this Pinky is no friend of mine. He's a tramp, tramp, tramp.

[Higgins]

Oh, Mr. Roberts. You mean he lied to me?

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

That's right. He tricked you.

[Higgins]

By the cad. I hope he falls off his horse the next time he plays Pol.

[Pinky]

Ah, here you are, kids. How do you like my little setup?

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

Gee, what a neat camp.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Camp?

[Pinky]

That's for Boy Scouts. This is a jungle. A hobo jungle.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

Jungle? You mean it's full of lions and tigers?

[Pinky]

No, just hobos.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

Gee, Tommy, look, a campfire. Let's toast marshmallows. Boy, living outdoors like this, Pinky, you must have quite a bug collection.

[Pinky]

I used to have, but some DDT powder fixed me up.

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

Say, what do you do for a living, Pinky?

[Pinky]

I'm a hobo.

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

Yeah, but what do you do for a living? How do you get money?

[Pinky]

Money? Who needs money? Look at me, I'm happy, healthy, got all my hair, my stomach can digest anything. And I ain't worked. Not never.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Gee.

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

Hey, hey, do other people know about this?

[Pinky]

Oh, the smart ones Do. They become hobos like me?

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

Gosh, nobody makes you work. And you don't have to mow the.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

Lawn or weed any old flower beds.

[Pinky]

I haven't done any work in 20 years.

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

I'm gonna be a bum when I grow up.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

Me too. A lady bum.

[Pinky]

Kids, please. Not bums.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Hobos.

[Pinky]

Nature's noblemen. Well, you kids got the right idea, too. All a man's problems are because he works too hard. You gotta relax. That's the motto. Relax. No insomnia, no ulcers, no bald head.

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

You mean working hard to make a living makes a man bald?

[Pinky]

Sure. You never saw a bald headed woman, did you?

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Tommy, is that you?

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

Yeah, Pop.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Come into the den, please. Sure.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

Me too, Pop.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Yes, sit down, both of you.

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

Yes, sir.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

Yes, sir.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Now, are we all comfortable?

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

Oh, sure you are.

[Pinky]

Fine.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Now, Tommy, what about the grass?

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

I'm gonna mow it and I'm gonna.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

Weed the flower bed.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Yes, but when we had our little chat this morning, you were going to do it right away.

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

Well, Pop, things came up.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

I talked to you about building character and about discipline. Tommy, don't you want to be a successful success in life? Don't you want to be respected when you grow up? Think about being a man. Now, what do you want to be when you grow up?

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

A hobo. I want to be a lady hobo.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

You mean you both want to be bums?

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

Hobos. They're different. Pinky told us all about it.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

But get out of the yard and go to work.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

But Pinky.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

I don't care what Pinky said. Now you get out of the yard and do your work.

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

Yes, sir. Come on, Debbie.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

Yes, sir.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Buns. Higgins.

[Higgins]

You called?

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Yes, Higgins. That bum you invited into the house and fed has been talking to Tommy and Debbie. Now they want to be bums.

[Higgins]

Oh, I wouldn't allow that, sir.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Well, I don't intend to allow it. I'm going to take things in hand around here.

[Higgins]

And it's high time too, sir. Why, I told the children that American fathers were quite lax compared to fathers in England.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Oh, are they now? What would a father in England do?

[Higgins]

Well, for one thing, Master Thomas would be packed off to military school this fall.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Military? Yes. What an idea, Higgins. It's a sensational idea.

[Higgins]

Oh, aren't we lucky you thought of it, sir?

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Yes, now I'm on the right track. Military school discipline, that's the ticket. The old fashioned father loved but respected. Ah, my father was like that. Why, every time I think of that, I had to stand up.

[Higgins]

Out of respect, sir.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

No shooting pains where I sit. Here's Higgins. The iron hand is just what this family needs.

[Higgins]

Oh, I admire that fire in your eyes, sir.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

And we'll start with you.

[Higgins]

But I'm too old for military school, sir.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Discipline for you, Higgins. Don't feed any more bums in my house.

[Higgins]

If you say so, sir.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

My mind is made up.

[Higgins]

Oh, Elizabeth.

[Mrs. Roberts (Elizabeth Roberts)]

I'm in the living room, dear.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Elizabeth, I have come to a decision about Tommy. Oh, my mind is made up, so don't try to stop me.

[Mrs. Roberts (Elizabeth Roberts)]

Have you found some way to persuade him to mow the lawn, dear?

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Yes, he's going to military school this fall.

[Mrs. Roberts (Elizabeth Roberts)]

Oh, to mow their lawn. Military school?

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Yes, my dear. That boy needs discipline and that's where he'll get it. And in the fall he goes to military school. Now, that's my decision and it's fine.

[Mrs. Roberts (Elizabeth Roberts)]

Philip, you can't mean it. Our little Tommy going to military school.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Right. And when I make up my mind now, it stays made up. Oh, is that you, Tommy?

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

Yeah, Pop.

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

I'm getting a drink of water.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

What do you want it, Thomas? Come into the living room, Thomas. Gee.

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

Another talk, Pop?

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Yes, Sit down, Thomas.

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

Yes, sir.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Your mother and I have decided to send you to military school this fall.

[Mrs. Roberts (Elizabeth Roberts)]

You leave me out of this, Philip.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

Military school?

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Yes, and it's for your own good, son. It'll make a man of you. But I'm too young to be a man. They will teach you discipline and industry. That's my decision, Tommy. Now go back to mowing the lawn.

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

She wins a soldier. Next thing you know, I'll just fade away.

[Mrs. Roberts (Elizabeth Roberts)]

Philip, I insist you change your mind about this wild idea. I won't have Tommy going away from home. He's too young.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

Where are you going?

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Write a letter to East Point Military Academy about Tommy entering school in the fall.

[Mrs. Roberts (Elizabeth Roberts)]

Philip, if you insist on this ridiculous thing, I'll never speak to you again.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Don't be silly, darling. How are you going to ask me for money?

[Higgins]

Master Thomas, we're in here in my bedroom. What's going on?

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

Tommy and me are packing.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Packing?

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

Yes, and you gotta promise not to tell.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

Promise, Higgins.

[Higgins]

But I don't know what I'm promising.

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

It's better that way.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

Promise.

[Higgins]

Oh, very well. I promise.

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

You're running away?

[Higgins]

I'm going to tell your father you promised.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

You can't tell.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Oh, drat.

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

We'll show mom and Pop the. You see, we got bundles and bandanas tied to sticks.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

Just like Pinky.

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

We had a talk with him. He told us about Patrick Henry and Thomas Jefferson.

[Higgins]

Those rebels.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

He told us about freedom.

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

Yeah. He said I should be free to decide about the military school myself.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

Pinky said nobody can make an American do anything.

[Higgins]

So the revolution is on us again.

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

So we're leaving.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

Leaving?

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

Say goodbye to mom and Pop for us.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

Say goodbye.

[Higgins]

May I ask where you intend to go?

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

It's the open road for us.

[Mrs. Roberts (Elizabeth Roberts)]

Open road.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

Say goodbye.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Bye.

[Higgins]

Goodbye. If I had any foresight, I'd have sprinkled that turkey I gave to Pinky with arsenic.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Is that you, Higgins?

[Higgins]

Only a shell of my former self, sir.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Well, would this shell be good enough to get lunch? I'm starving.

[Higgins]

It's almost ready, sir.

[Pinky]

Hey, where.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Where are the kids going? I thought I saw them go out just now.

[Higgins]

Oh, did you, sir?

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Come to think of it, I did.

[Higgins]

Notice anything else, sir?

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

No, no, can't say I did.

[Higgins]

Oh, think hard. You must have noticed something.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Oh, well, now, it's silly, of course, but now that you mention it, I. I thought they were carrying little bandana bundles tied to sticks and, you know, like they were running away.

[Higgins]

Oh, goody.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

You are running away.

[Higgins]

Oh, you got it. And I didn't tell you.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Higgins, who is responsible for this? This is your fault, Higgins. You were that good for nothing bum Pinky, you introduced them to.

[Higgins]

Sorry. I gather I must have pulled a bloomer.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Yes, you certainly did. Now, I'll you find that bum and drive him out of town. Now, you go out to the kids.

[Higgins]

And bring them Back immediately, sir.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

And as for Pinky, I'll make him wish that freight car he came into town on had been wrecked. Now, you. Hey, you there, you. Is your name Pinky?

[Pinky]

That's right. Friends, care to join me?

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

No, I'm here to tell you to get out. You're ruining my family. You're a good for nothing. Stop eating and listen to me. You are a good. Hey, what's that you're reading?

[Pinky]

Mulligan Stew. Pull up a rock and sit down. You're all excited.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

No, no. I'm going to finish what I came here to do. I. Real Mulligan stool.

[Pinky]

The very best. You're pretty tense. Relax.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Yeah. No, no. I came here to. Monica. Hey. Ooh. Certainly smells good.

[Pinky]

Well, here, have a tomato can full.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

I came here. Well, Very good. Well, that's wonderful.

[Pinky]

I thought you'd like it. You're in trouble, ain't you? I can tell you. Forget your troubles, friend. Believe me, it ain't important.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Not important?

[Pinky]

No.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Why, you're ruining the relationship between me and my son, Tommy. He's been coming to see you and he's getting to hate me.

[Pinky]

Hate you? You're crazy. Why, the kids said you were the greatest. A real swell pup.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

They. Did they really think that?

[Pinky]

Sure. But they think you're all tensed up, all knotted up on the inside. Here, let me give you another helping of Mulligan.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Oh, thanks, Pinky.

[Pinky]

Here you are.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

What's in it?

[Pinky]

Don't ask. There you are. Now you're relaxing. You know, I can tell by a guy's hair if he's relaxing. When he's taking it easy, his hair lies nice and relaxed on his head. But when he's all tensed up and digging for money, the hair stands right up an end looking for a place to jump.

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

It wasn't fair, Higgins.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

No. You promised not to tell.

[Higgins]

No, I didn't tell. Your father saw you leave.

[Mrs. Roberts (Elizabeth Roberts)]

Oh, hello, children. What are those bandanas and sticks? What are you doing with them?

[Higgins]

They. They were playing hobo madam. Oh.

[Mrs. Roberts (Elizabeth Roberts)]

Oh, how cute. I think that must be fun.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Well, well, well. Hello, everybody. Anybody old? Ah, here you all are.

[Pinky]

Where is this Jose?

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

What's the matter around here? Can't anybody smile?

[Higgins]

I'm smiling, sir.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

You call that a smile? Look, Higgins, when Tommy was 2 years old, he ate a pickled onion he took out of my martini. And he looked just like that.

[Higgins]

Sorry, sir.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

You know, Higgins, you've got to learn to relax. You're all nervous and tense.

[Higgins]

Oh, I'm not tenser. I always stand Rigid like this and vibrate a little.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Tommy. Son, look at me.

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

Yes, sir.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Tommy, you don't want to go to that military school, do you?

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

No, Pop.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Well, don't go, Tommy. This is a free country. This is the land of liberty.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

Gee, you talk just like Pinky Pop.

[Higgins]

What is a Pinky Pop?

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

Gee, do you mean I don't have to go, Pop. I can stay here with you and Nancy and Mom and Debbie and Higgins.

[Higgins]

I'm so glad you included me, even if I am the caboose.

[Mrs. Roberts (Elizabeth Roberts)]

Philip, did you really change your mind?

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

There. You see before you a new man. A man who knows how to live, to relax and stop worrying. Ah, Pinky has the right idea. I made a mistake, my dear, and I'm willing to admit it.

[Mrs. Roberts (Elizabeth Roberts)]

That's all right, dear. You were just tired and irritable.

[Pinky]

Oh, it was more than that.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

You know, Pinky has the right philosophy. Tommy, Debbie, here. Here's a dollar apiece for you. Now go out and have a good time.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

Boy, oh, boy. We got the best pop in the who.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Ah, now they're both smiling again. Elizabeth, I'm very sorry for the way I acted. Now, can you ever forgive me?

[Mrs. Roberts (Elizabeth Roberts)]

Oh, of course, dear. Everything's fine.

[Higgins]

Now.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

What are you doing at home? Why aren't you out shopping? Go on. Shopping.

[Mrs. Roberts (Elizabeth Roberts)]

Shopping, dear? But you usually make such a fuss.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Oh, that was the old me. I want you to go downtown right now and shop. The sky is the limit. Buy what you want. Don't worry.

[Mrs. Roberts (Elizabeth Roberts)]

Buy anything.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

I want anything, my dear. And while you're buying, remember, money isn't everything. It can't buy happiness.

[Higgins]

Oh, you're so right, sir. But isn't it fun to try? Oh, no, that's not for me.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Go ahead, Elizabeth. Live a little.

[Mrs. Roberts (Elizabeth Roberts)]

Oh, Philip, you're wonderful. You're just wonderful. I'm going downtown right now.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Goodbye, dear. Higgins. Higgins, you are looking at the new me.

[Higgins]

Yes, sir. Whatever happened to the old you?

[Mrs. Roberts (Elizabeth Roberts)]

Yes.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

You know, Higgins, the whole trick is just to relax.

[Higgins]

Yes, sir.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

I'm going into the den and lie down and relax. Just relax.

[Pinky]

This is the life.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

No. Oh, no. No. Say it isn't so. No. No, no.

[Higgins]

What is it, Mr. Roberts? What is it, sir?

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Wake up. Wake up. What? Wake up. I was asleep. Oh, what a horrible dream I had.

[Higgins]

Yes, you were having a nightmare, sir. Relax, sir.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

I always did wake up feeling terrible if I sleep during the day. I hate naps.

[Higgins]

What were you dreaming, sir?

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Crazy, crazy dream. I dreamt I sent Mrs. Roberts out shopping and she bought a mink coat. You dreamt. Yes.

[Higgins]

Imagine a man being a fool enough.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

To do a thing like that.

[Higgins]

You. You did send her shopping, sir.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Yes. What?

[Higgins]

Remember before you fell asleep? You just come from visiting Pinky.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Oh, now I remember. Ah, that bum Pinky. He did that to me. Come to think of it, it's your fault. It's your fault, Higgins. You brought him into my life.

[Higgins]

I gather this is the old you again, sir.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Look at those flower beds. Aren't they weeds? Nothing but weeds.

[Higgins]

Some of the weeds are blooming, sir. Rather attractive, I'd say.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

The ragweed is blooming, and I get hay fever. Oh, Philip.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

Philip.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Now, here she comes. Oh, what did I do in my madness?

[Higgins]

Remember, Mr. Roberts. Remember, sir? Relax. Money isn't everything.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

How would I know? I probably don't have any left.

[Mrs. Roberts (Elizabeth Roberts)]

Oh, darling, where do you see all.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

The things I bought?

[Mrs. Roberts (Elizabeth Roberts)]

I got a new coat. Oh, it's just beautiful. Wait till you see the mink.

[Higgins]

Oh, no, no, no.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

My father warned me not to marry a woman.

[Mrs. Roberts (Elizabeth Roberts)]

Mink collar, dear, not mink collar. Oh, it was such a bargain. I just couldn't resist.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

How hard were you trying?

[Mrs. Roberts (Elizabeth Roberts)]

Oh, not at all. I kept remembering what you said about not being able to take it with you.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

I don't want to take it with me, but I'd like to have some of it while I'm here.

[Mrs. Roberts (Elizabeth Roberts)]

And I got four new dresses. Wait till you see the expensive material.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Higgins opened a window. I can't breathe.

[Higgins]

Immediately, sir.

[Mrs. Roberts (Elizabeth Roberts)]

The material is so beautiful, it's Take your breath away.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Yeah, I beat you to it.

[Mrs. Roberts (Elizabeth Roberts)]

I brought some of the things home with me. Should I go up and try them on for you?

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You go up and try them on.

[Mrs. Roberts (Elizabeth Roberts)]

I won't be but a few minutes.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Maybe some of the things won't fit her and she'll have to take them back.

[Higgins]

Well, I. I have work to do, sir.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

I have. Come back here. Higgins.

[Higgins]

Yes, sir?

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Higgins, you invited that bum into this house. You.

[Higgins]

Yes, sir.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Yes.

[Higgins]

Anything else, sir?

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Yes. Now you can go out to Ferguson woods and drive Pinky out of there. Me, sir? Go to the woods? You go out there and get rid of Pinky. He's ruining my life.

[Higgins]

I'll go at once, sir.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

And, Higgins.

[Higgins]

Yes, sir?

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Don't eat any of his Mulligan stew. It'll make you stupid.

[Higgins]

I say, are you there? Anyone at home?

[Pinky]

Oh, it's you. Hi, pal.

[Higgins]

My word.

[Pinky]

You.

[Higgins]

You live here? No wonder you have such an undisciplined attitude towards life. Why, you live like an animal.

[Pinky]

Well, did you Ever hear of an animal having ulcers or getting bald?

[Higgins]

I certainly have. The bald eagle.

[Pinky]

They're all excited. Now, take it easy. Pull up a rock and sit down.

[Higgins]

In my state of mind, I wouldn't dare pick up a rock. Pinky, you've got to go.

[Pinky]

Well, I ain't gonna get excited. That's life. When you gotta go, you gotta go.

[Higgins]

What's that revolting looking mess in that tomato can?

[Pinky]

Oh, that's mulligan stew, that's all.

[Higgins]

Oh, yes, Mulligan stew. I've heard all about your mulligan stew. Makes you feel stupid. Smells like.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Oh, it smells.

[Higgins]

It's simply delicious.

[Pinky]

Sit down. Higgins, how about a can of stew for you?

[Higgins]

No. Well, if you insist. Take a small helping.

[Pinky]

Okay, Coming right up here. There you are. Mulligan deluxe. Dig in, enjoy yourself. Revel in the pleasures of this moment. Please.

[Higgins]

I say, this mulligan is so good, I can't hear a word you're saying.

[Mrs. Roberts (Elizabeth Roberts)]

Here you are, dear. Some nice cold lemonade.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Thank you. Let me taste it and see if there's enough sugar in it.

[Pinky]

Not enough sugar.

[Mrs. Roberts (Elizabeth Roberts)]

All right, dear. I'll get sugar for you right away.

[Higgins]

Thomas, keep mowing.

[Tommy (Master Thomas)]

Yes, Father. I just stopped to wipe the perspiration off my face, Father.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Debbie.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

Yes, Father?

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

You missed the weed. Right over there.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

Yes, Father. I'll get it right away, Father.

[Higgins]

Out there, Arthur.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Yes, yes, here I am. And as you can see, I had the situation in my family well under control. Now, what about you? Did you drive Pinky out of Ferguson's woods as I ordered you to do?

[Higgins]

Pinky is no longer in Ferguson's woods, sir.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Good. Then he's not there.

[Higgins]

No, sir, he's here.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

He's here, Higgins.

[Pinky]

Yeah, yeah, here I am. Hello, Mr. Roberts.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

You. You good for nothing loafer, you. You relaxed.

[Debbie (Miss Deborah)]

Me?

[Pinky]

No, no, not anymore, Mr. Roberts. I've changed.

[Higgins]

Mr. Roberts, you're looking at the new Pinky.

[Pinky]

That's right. Gee, everything is just like you said, Higgins. There's Mr. Roberts sitting there like a king. Mrs. Roberts fanning him a lemonade in his hand. The kid's doing all the hard work around the yard. Gee, what a picture this is for me.

[Higgins]

You see, Mr. Roberts, Pinky wants a job now. Honest work.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

A job?

[Higgins]

Honest work.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Well, Higgins, I don't know how you did this, but it's fine. I'll give you a job, Pinky. Today you can help the kids with the work in the yard. And tomorrow I'll see what I can do about a regular job.

[Pinky]

Oh, gee, Gee, thanks, Mr. Roberts. I'll go to work right away. Thanks a lot. Higgins.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Higgins.

[Higgins]

Yes, sir?

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Just what did you tell Pinky to change him like this?

[Higgins]

It was very simple, sir. I told him what a wonderful thing it was to be happily married, to have a wife who was a fine cook and who skimped and saved her husband's money. And what a thrill it was to have children who helped around the yard and the house cheerfully and with a smile. When he got the idea, he decided he was willing to work for it.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Well, I don't blame him. It sounds wonderful. Yes, but who do you know who has all that?

[Higgins]

You, sir.

[Mr. Roberts (Philip Roberts)]

Me?

[Higgins]

You have even more.

[Pinky]

What's that?

[Higgins]

You have me, sir.

[Narrator]

This has been Taken, sir. A new comedy series starring Harry McNaughton, with Vera Ellen, Charles Neville, Norma Jane Marlow, Ethel Owen and Bob Hay. It's Higgins, sir. Was directed and transcribed by Paul Harrison and written by Paul Harrison and Rick Vollers. Join Jack Pearl and Mimi Benzel next on NBC.