Its That Man Again 1940-05-18 Its That Man Again - Stage Show Recorded For Forces Radio

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Its That Man Again - Stage Show Recorded For Forces Radio" (1940-05-18)
Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Host/Author: Harolds Old Time Radio
Release Date: March 22, 2025

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Overview

The episode titled "Its That Man Again - Stage Show Recorded For Forces Radio" captures a live performance of the iconic British radio comedy program ITMA (It's That Man Again) from May 18, 1940. Recorded at the Palace Theatre in Manchester, the show was arranged with George Black and tailored specifically for the Forces Radio audience. The episode showcases a blend of witty dialogues, humorous sketches, impersonations, and musical performances, embodying the quintessential humor of the Golden Age of Radio.

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Cast and Characters

• Tommy Handley as Itmar: The central character, Itmar is depicted as the maestro of mirth, orchestrating the comedic chaos within the office of Twerps.

• Maurice Denham as Mrs. Tickle: Portraying the stern yet comical Mrs. Tickle, denham adds depth to the dynamic within the office setting.

• Jack Train as Jollop, Fusspot, and other characters: Train showcases his versatility by embodying approximately 17 different characters, including the mischievous Funt.

• June Marlowe as Dotty: Playing Itmar's glamorous private secretary, Dotty brings charm and flair to the office interactions.

• Bobby Lockwood as the Office Boy: Lockwood's character provides additional comedic relief within the office environment.

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Key Scenes and Sketches

Introduction and Setting the Scene (00:30 - 03:33)

Maurice Denham introduces the audience to the Palace Theatre in Manchester and the show's cast. The initial scene sets up the office of Twerps, featuring Mrs. Tickle in a telephone box, establishing the workplace comedy theme.

Office Antics and Character Dynamics (01:27 - 10:34)

Tommy Handley's portrayal of Itmar navigates through office politics, humorous misunderstandings, and quirky interactions with Mrs. Tickle and other staff members. Notable moments include:

• Itmar’s Miscommunication:

  • [01:27]
    Tommy Handley: "Is that OT 1, 2, 3 3? It is. Do it. Minister of Aggravation, I wish to speak."

• Secretarial Dance Preparation:

  • [06:01]
    Maurice Denham: "At this stage, the girls have arrived, the 12 lovely secretaries... prepare for work."

Funt’s Mischief and Plot Twists (12:08 - 16:55)

The character Funt makes a significant impact by stealing important plans, leading to a series of comedic chases and misunderstandings within the office. Key interactions include:

• Funt’s Infiltration:

  • [12:20]
    Tommy Handley: "Put that girl down. Well, loosen my loincloth."

• Office Turmoil:

  • [16:23]
    Maurice Denham: "Fun has managed to get himself inside the office while Fuzpot and Itma are talking. And he spirited the plans away."

Impersonations and Comedic Performances (23:07 - 40:56)

Jack Train delivers a series of impersonations, including that of Hollywood star Lionel Barrymore, adding a layer of celebrity parody to the show. Highlights include:

• Lionel Barrymore Impersonation:

  • [24:37]
    Jack Train (as Lionel Barrymore): "I've been asked to come here tonight to talk about Ikma perfume..."

• Comedic Monologues and Songs:

  • [06:36]
    Tommy Handley: "Monster outside. What an uncouth urchin, isn't it?"

• AP Herbert Sketch:

  • [40:49]
    Jack Train: "Hello? Hello, is that Paddington 0675?... I can't come out tonight, Fred."

Musical Interludes and Top of the Bill (37:17 - 55:06)

Musical performances intersperse the comedic segments, featuring songs tailored for the Forces Radio audience:

• Hermione Bradley's Performance:

  • [41:45]
    Hermione Baddeley: "All the girls are crazy about a certain little lad..."

• Girlettes' Song:

  • [52:59]
    Tommy Handley: "Girls from Vallam, Girls from Streatham..."

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Notable Quotes

• Tommy Handley as Itmar:

  • [00:30]: "Welcome everybody from the Palace, Manchester. I'm sure you're all delighted to welcome Mitmar back to the air."
  • [04:00]: "Good night. Business before pleasure."
  • [12:06]: "Well, it's just the type I want. Now, if I dictate to you, can you take it for the last job first?"
  • [28:41]: "Well, actually, this happened in one of those ghastly taxes."
  • [40:56]: "Hello, folks. One or two stories I heard at my mother's knee in other joints."

• Jack Train as Various Characters:

  • [10:34]: "Oh, jeez."
  • [24:37]: "Thank you, my friends. Thank you."
  • [37:48]: "Sa."
  • [38:01]: "Oh, Johnny, oh Johnny, how you can love."

• Maurice Denham as Mrs. Tickle:

  • [03:33]: "Well, now we're well underway."
  • [06:36]: "Funt is one of the most important characters in this show."

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Humorous Insights and Themes

The episode thrives on satirical takes on office life, wartime sentiments, and societal norms of the 1940s. Through exaggerated characters and absurd situations, ITMA provides both escapism and subtle commentary on the challenges faced by the British populace during World War II. Themes of miscommunication, bureaucratic inefficiency, and the everyday struggles of maintaining morale are recurrently explored with humor and wit.

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Conclusion

"It's That Man Again - Stage Show Recorded For Forces Radio" is a vibrant encapsulation of wartime British humor, delivering laughter and levity to its Forces Radio audience. Through a combination of sharp dialogues, versatile character portrayals, and engaging musical numbers, the show not only entertains but also fosters a sense of community and resilience among its listeners. This episode stands as a testament to the enduring legacy of ITMA and its pivotal role in boosting wartime morale.

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Notable Moment Highlights with Timestamps:

• Introduction by Maurice Denham (00:30): Establishing the setting and introducing the cast.

  • "Well, good evening, everybody from the Palace, Manchester. I'm sure you're all delighted to welcome Mitmar back to the air."

• Itmar’s Office Entrance (02:04): Itmar’s humorous attempt to manage the office.

  • "Come on, let's go." (02:04)

• Funt Stealing the Plans (12:20): The chaos ensuing from Funt’s actions.

  • "Funt has spoken. Oh, go and strain your cabbage water." (16:23)

• Lionel Barrymore Impersonation (24:37): A star-studded parody adding variety to the show.

  • "I've been asked to come here tonight to talk about Ikma perfume." (24:37)

• AP Herbert's Sketch (40:49): A relatable comedic scenario about mistaken plans.

  • "Hello? Hello, is that Paddington 0675?" (40:49)

• Hermione Baddeley's Song (41:45): Musical interlude dedicated to the audience.

  • "All the girls are crazy about a certain little lad..." (41:45)

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This detailed summary encapsulates the essence of the "Its That Man Again" stage show, highlighting its structure, key moments, and the comedic brilliance that resonated with audiences during the Golden Age of Radio.

Transcript

[Tommy Handley]

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[Maurice Denham]

Tonight we present that popular radio show itma. From the Paris Theater, Manchester, by arrangement with George Black. Well, good evening, everybody from the Palace, Manchester. I'm sure you're all delighted to welcome Mitmar back to the air. And the overture is just finishing. The show is shortly going to start. I shall have plenty of time to talk to you during the first part and tell you about the cast. So we'll start off with the show. The orchestra finishing the overture. And the scene starts with our old friend Mrs. Tickle, played by Morris Denham, in a telephone box.

[Tommy Handley]

This is Pomp speaking. I want OT 1, 2, 3, 3. Is that OT 1, 2, 3 3? It is. Do it. Minister of Aggravation, I wish to speak. Is that it, Ma?

[Jack Train]

No, this is Mrs. Tickle.

[Tommy Handley]

I want it, Ma.

[Jack Train]

Well, you can't have him. He's not in yet.

[Tommy Handley]

So soon as he is in, he will be out. Bun has spoken. Oh, what an entrance, eh? I wish I had as many shillings. Well, folks, welcome to the office of Twerps. No smoke or smell comes from the lamp as the fun goes round. And children in arms are not admitted unless with somebody. Well, enough of this tomfoolery, girls. And don't sail your china ducks in my top hat. Step on it, slaves. Isn't that nice, eh? Come on, let's go.

[Maurice Denham]

Well, now we're well underway. Of course, I don't need to remind you that Itmar is played by that maestro of mirth, Tommy Handley. Maurice Denham is Mrs. Tickle. As I've already explained, Jack Train plays Jollop, Fuss pot and about 17 other characters. Glamorous June Marlowe is Dotty, Itmar's private secretary. Bobby Lockwood plays the office boy. And at the moment, the 12 lovely secretaries and believe me, lovely is the right word. Are walking across after their opening chorus.

[Tommy Handley]

Good night. Business before pleasure. Hello. What's that? Oh, the papers. Oh, yes, and I'll post the papers. Very good. Circumference. All right. Circumference. Certainly. Circumference. Goodbye, Circumference. That Was Winston Churchill. Well, well, well. Now that the papers are posted safely, I can sleep peacefully in my office. Good morning, everybody. Good morning. Good morning. It's great to turn up late. I said good morning to you. Good morning. Good morning. Now don't overtie yourself. Good morning to you. Now come on, girls and show a leg. Old hit ma's on his way. You gotta hang your clothes. I wanna beg and prepare to start the day. Good morning.

[Jack Train]

Good morning.

[Tommy Handley]

Come along, you two. Good morning. Good morning, girl. This is most irregular. Most irregular. What will Mr. Itmar say? Look at you. I said come on. Come on, you come on.

[Maurice Denham]

At this stage, the girls have arrived, the 12 lovely secretaries. And this dance, which Johnny Lockwood does with them, is where they prepare for work. They arrive in hats and scarves, coats, fully dressed. I don't think it's part of my function to describe exactly what happens, but anyway, the result is very satisfactory to the audience as a spectacle. And ultimately, at the end of this short dance, we find ourselves inside the office of Quirps. Meanwhile, I think I should apologize for making one small slip when I was talking to you about the cast. I forgot one of the most important characters in this show. And that is Funt. Now, Funk is played by. Well, let's say Funk.

[Tommy Handley]

Shall we? There's a letter for you.

[Jack Train]

A letter for me?

[Tommy Handley]

Yes, ma'am. I wonder if it's from that nice Mr. Godfrey win. It signs your loving admirer, Mr. Fool.

[Jack Train]

Romance of love.

[Tommy Handley]

Dearest Lola Tickle. That's me, Lola Shortwin Edishier. Knowing as how you always do your best for all your gentlemen. When you meet me in the telephone box when you've got your do jars on. Oh, he must be me new crate de Sheen. Now hurry along because I need you. I've come over. All unnecessary. I wonder what he wants. You'd be surprised. What was it? What was it? Oh, red cars on the warpath. That's fine. You can chilly baby samples on Tuesday. What an office. Hey, what an office. Just like the bottom of a baby's pr. All crumbs. And we toys, we laughing. Now, come on, girls, take a letter to all who it make it sound. In future, all pedestrians must wear a rear light and a gong attached to the seat of authority. Anybody found kicking the gong around, we'll get a clout in the kisser with a kipper. It's at the end of the passage. Come on, girls, one more letter. Mrs. Peggy Borkin Penson. Dear Mrs. Borkin Penson, in reply to your inquiry, the cheapest way to get three meals a day is to have beans for breakfast, hot water for lunch and let them swell up for dinner. And never hit your husband in the face when he's chewing out a root. Biscuits. Now let me see what you've got down there. I think Itmar's got nice eyes. What are you writing on? Something to do with it. And I have. This is for speaking phone. Is that a name or a rude expression? They take your fault home. Oh, FIFA folk bonfire. Oh yeah. Sigma. Your end is inside. Good lording. My shirt hanging out. Girls draft around here today I am going to get you. Yes, already I have tapes. Well, you know you can hang the papers. Beware Paul has. Oh God. Take a running fun for yourself. That goes for you too, girls. Now watch you go now. Good morning. Where have I seen that face before? Oh, gee. Please. The car outside the. Outside the car. What a common boy. Oh well, I must get my lunch money out of the old fruit machine. Two apples and an aspy Destin. That's no good. Hello, Fuss. But the old china. Who are those two fellas looking over your shoulders? Oh, it's your ears. Well, I don't mind you, sir. Dash, sir? It's most irregular, sir. Most irregular. Well, why don't you trim it with the scissors? No, no, it's not my dash, sir. Not your dash? No, sir, but don't talk Tosh. What is it? It's the paper, sir. The papers. The important papers. What's happening? They haven't arrived at the office of Pettibis Darian to torch. What's happened? Did you deliver them, sir? I posted them in a pillar box outside the office. The pillar box is gone, sir. Well, bite my bottom lip. Hush. What? We're ruined. No, sir, I have the duplicate. I wondered what that rash was in your bargain. No, no. What do you mean? That's the copies.

[Jack Train]

Oh, jeez.

[Tommy Handley]

Monster outside. What an uncouth urchin, isn't it? Yes, sir. Now keep your eyes on those papers and keep this office tidy. Tidy. Some tidy, tidy. Two jelly babies in the bullseye. Well, they can't all get in that place at once. Smarter. Damn nuisance about those papers, Tom. Yes, have a care, Handley. F may be in your office. No, he wouldn't come within a mile of this place. I can't stomach fump. What is all this? Well, push me down the plug hole. He's got the lot. I've leveled it up. Aha, my pool dividend. Well, how nice. Sign please. Sign. I write a play for that cargo Shield. What does that mean? Cuddle on divan. There you are, Jim. Take it away and take your father with you. Ah, good morning. So you're my new secretary, are you?

[Jack Train]

Yes, I'm dotty.

[Tommy Handley]

Well, I'm barmy. So everything will be all right? Everything in work in order? Oh, yeah, it's fine. Send it. Tell me, can you type?

[Jack Train]

Not much. I'm a touch typist.

[Tommy Handley]

Well, it's just the type I want. Now, if I dictate to you, can you take it for the last job first? Pot. Bung up the keyholes with scented soap. I'm working late tonight. Tell me, my child, what speed?

[Jack Train]

You'd be surprised.

[Tommy Handley]

Do you know, I think you and I are going to get on very well together. Put that girl down. Well, loosen my loincloth.

[Jack Train]

Oh, that's given me such a headache.

[Tommy Handley]

Oh, I didn't know you'd had your face lifted. Here he is. Deadly nightshirt. Mr. Handelman? Yes. I am your technical expert. Vulcan, you look like a dirty napkin. No, no, no. I am Vulkin of Omsk. Well, I'm Handley of Tomsk. Here, why don't you stand nearer to your razor when you shave? But I am a white Russian. Aye, well, tuck your shirt in when you talk to me. Listen, I think you and I can find foonf together, yes? He isn't in this blackout of yours, is he? Got four ravens and three golf balls in there. Then you must have a double. Ah, now you're talking. I'll have a large whiskey right away. No, no, no, no, no. The fool funf. There must be two of you. Two of me? Two tickles, two fash pots. You speak better with your teeth in. You know you got one tooth and tacit for your chest. Hello. Car outside? Hey away, parasite. What's a parasite? Search me. You have a God flip. Now, come on, Budget. Get those doubles and get them quick. Yes, Mr. Ha. You now quit, Starling, or I'll knock your mullet off.

[Jack Train]

Hello.

[Tommy Handley]

Here. This is F. Speaking. Well, the time draws me near. Why are they open soon? In your office I will be. This is my final warning. We get thousands of final warnings in this office. Beware. Full has spoken. Oh, go and strain your cabbage water. When I think of the precaution, I better disguise myself. I've had the wind up ever since I found his fingerprints on my 8 ounces of butter. If I put this red ridge in wishes, John and Ms. Now, she'll never know whether. What a makeup, eh? This is the place. Well, I'll pull the chain off my watch. Who the devil are you? Strip my gears, I'm your double. I'll be tattooed with a tar bish if you are. I'll be festoon with fried fish if I'm not. Well, powder me with Pistone if I look like you. Get out of me, you wicked old man. Coming in here, frightening me. He said I'm in red sail from the sunset. Get away, Titch. What a hello. Yes, well, it sounds dirty, but I like it. Hey, what are you going? Well, I always do my best for.

[Jack Train]

All my gentlemen, sir.

[Tommy Handley]

Now, that's not an answer to my query. Where are you going?

[Jack Train]

Well, I'm meeting him such a nice one tonight.

[Tommy Handley]

Oh, what's his name? Charlie Circu.

[Jack Train]

No, Mr. Funk.

[Tommy Handley]

Yeah, Funk. Wait. Tonight when I meet that guy. Hey, have I done wrong, sir? Not yet, but I should. Keep your hand on your battery. Don't be late in the morning, sir. Oh, first one. I've got the plan, sir. Where did you find the plan? They will. In the plan drawer. Get away. Sir. The plan's in the plan drawer. What an extraordinary thing. I thought they'd be in the fridge. Well, come on. Yes, sir. Now, look, I want to watch this very closely. Oh, yes, because there's a woman's. Onward. Steak and some chips. Now. Now, watch this closely. Yes, sir. You see this road along here? Now, we go along there past Shakespeare's works. Yes. You see, that's where the smoke's coming out of the chimney. There's Mrs. Bananco sitting in the bay window and the old man shelling peas in the garden. Now, we come down here to ox shop, bag shop and Pulford. Then we cut through here to hook em, cook em and Farnum. And now we're stuck. Now, where am I going to hide my secret weapon if I've got one? Well, I was a. Don't point, Westman. I don't like that. Do you know, if these plans fell into the enemy's hands, they'd sprain his wrists? Then, sir? Yes, we must guard them with our knives. That's not a good idea at all. But I'll do it. I sh. Oh, they come.

[Maurice Denham]

Fun has managed to get himself inside the office while Fuzpot and Itma are talking. And he spirited the plans away.

[Tommy Handley]

Oh, sir, it's most irregular. Irregular? Irregular. Oh, so it's most irregular. Don't open it. I. Can it be, I wonder. I'll open it, by thunder. I'll tear it all asunder. Lustful. 10 bars. Tis but a dark. T e l E G R A M. Hello, cock. What are you doing here? Foot? Perhaps the wires come from pump.

[Jack Train]

From pump? From pump.

[Tommy Handley]

I sent from Bump. And if the wire has come from pump, we'll send it back on Friday. On Friday. On Friday. We'll send it back on Friday. Never touch me. We'll find books. We'll find books. It is a tickle. It isn't fall. It isn't possible. That's a prop that we'll find. Well, I've been told to come on here and do an act, you see. So I've rehearsed the smashing act. A wonderful act. Fifty marvelous stories. I'll tell you. The three they haven't cut out. Well, I must say, I walked in the labor exchange the other day, you know. In the labor exchange. I've been working there for a little while. I've been working there. I got in the door and the bloke fainted. I said, what's the matter with him? Have they offered him work? He said, no. He got a civil answer off one of the clerks. I got to the counter, the zoo rang up. They hadn't been open very long, this zoo. They hadn't got many animals. They wanted a monkey. So they sent me down there. Well, when I got down there, he said to me, now put this skin on and go about the trees. There I was, hopping about from bough to bough. All of a sudden, one of the boughs broke. I landed right in the lion's den. There was a lion coming at me from the right hand side, one lion from the left hand side. And I said, help. And one of the lions said, shut up. Let's work and get us all the sack. Then they got me another job. I had to organize a hunt. So I went down and had a look at the horses and the hounds. When I saw the hounds, there was no lady dog, so I put one in. We started to hunt. We lost the hounds. I said to a postman going by, you seen the hounds anywhere? He said, yes, they've just gone up there. The lady dogs leading by about five lengths of foxy line fail. Because I had to go away for a moment for that job. I had to go in the lodgings. I got some marvelous lodgings. The only trouble was the landlady, do you know, she fetched me up fish for breakfast, fish for dinner, fish for tea, fish for supper. Well, I mean, I got fed up with fish. So I took some sausages in. I gave her the sausages. She said, how'd you cook them. Cook them? I said, you fry them like fish. She fetched them in for me dinner. She said, I don't think you're going to like these. I said, why? She said, well, there's nothing in them after you've cleaned them. I went in the post office the other day and while I was in there a fellow went up and asked the girl for a telegram form. And she gave him a telegram form and he wrote on it. He wrote on it, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle. So the girl looked at it. She said, you can have another word for the same money. She said, shall I put another diddle in? He said, no, that'll make it look silly. Listen, I must tell you, my pal. My pal's been out of work for 10 years. 10 years he's been out of work. They got him a job the other day as a special constable. I said, how'd you like your new job? He said, marvelous. It's better than walking about the streets. He saved a lot of money at that job. He saved enough money to go on a cruise and. And he went away on a cruise and got shipwrecked on a desert island. Well, he was unconscious for a long time and when he woke up, he found a beautiful girl standing over him. And she looked down and she said, you look a bit rough, old man. He said, I don't feel too good. I'm very hungry. So she said, well, shall I cook you some eggs and bacon? He said, eggs and bacon? Don't tell me you've got eggs and bacon on the island. She said, of course I have. You can have some fried tomatoes with it if you like. He said, fried tomatoes? Don't tell me you've got fried tomatoes on the island. She said, of course I have. So he had some fried tomatoes. She said, would you like a cigarette to finish that off with now? He said, lady, don't tell me you've got cigarettes on the island. She said, certainly I've got cigarettes. So he had a cigarette. This is it. She came over and sat on his knee. Then she said, and now. And now, would you like to play the game that all men like to play? Uh huh. He said, don't tell me you've got a dartboard on the island. That's what I thought as well. Well, I'm gonna sing a song now. A song entitled put away your tweezers till your eyebrows meet again. There's nothing like a smile to make you happy? To make you happy as can be. So come and do your duty for England, home and beauty. Come and join the happy family. We want 40 million Smith Smilers. You walk around and smile all day. We don't want the moaners and the groaners. There are a lot of joners anyway. We want 40 million smilers. So come and join the rang and file. Show them we're not shirkers. Come on, fellow workers and smile, smile, smile for an office. We're on the air in three minutes with our commercial broadcast and there isn't a pot wash. If I can only find the. Get outside. Mur you. I bet that's F. Hello, Is that F? No, this is his father. His father? Mr. Hacken. F. So you would double cross my little dummy. Boy, you'll be surprised. Then let me tell you, Mr. Hitar. Yes, we are called up against you. Who are the fumps? Oh, go and soak your centerpods. Well, the whole blinking family's after me now.

[Jack Train]

1, 2, 3.

[Tommy Handley]

It's a great time. Here. Hey, grubby banknotes. Come here. What is it? So old tea. There's a cup of tea and a piece of cake outside. What are you talking about? Well, there was a car outside but it's been pinched. Well, served the owner right for leaving it outside the office of twerps. That's what I say, that's what I say. Yeah. What Was the number? Oot? 1, 2, 3. 3. Oh. Oh. Hey, that's my car. I know, but you can't say I didn't warn you. Good Lord, we're on the air. Come on, boys, open up. Hello, Hello. EC Radio Feigenberg Defense to creche. The ITMA perfume program. Here's that Santa Rose you make right like. Good evening, everybody. Tonight the makes a bit my scent. The perfume of passion and pickled onions. It's ever so clinging and oh, so sweet. Smellful. Proudly presents a nasty nocturn of nitwittery and noise featuring that imp of impersonators, Jack Train. That maestro the microphone Maurice Denham. Oh, that's me.

[Jack Train]

I thought of a still misses Pickle.

[Tommy Handley]

And the big slip himself to Tommy Handley. Hello, folks. One or two stories I heard at my mother's knee in other joints. Now, once upon a time there were three bears. Bear to the right, bear to the left and stark naked. Wrong program. Wrong program. You're telling us. What are we doing? Perfume? Yeah. Bit more cheese. The scent of a century. Use it my toothpaste and say ta, ta, ta, ta, ta. Goodbye, boy. See you later. There was an old man of devices whose ears were of different sizes. This year over here was as big as that there and so was his nose and his eyes. Oh, what is it? Perfume. That's I serve the ITMA perfume program. Now this perfume or Pong comes to you in three varieties. Vapor of virgin, tincture of tittle and fragrance of pumpkin. Wrap that up and I'll take it home with me. Now witna perfume users are all over the world. And tonight in our studio we have some of the most famous. And the first one to talk to you is that well known Scotsman, Angus McPodridge. Where are you? Come here. That's it. Well, I was up in Huddersfield going to Sunderland to the day when suddenly around the corner, Scotch, not Irish. Oh, okay. Well, there was an awful lot of foot and mouth disease. Ripe and bite. I saw my old friend Will Fife, mind you. And I wanted a good strong disinfectant from a farm. So I went to the fishmonger and I bought a great barrel of it. Mar scent for one and sixpence. Oh, it's all right. I got one and fifpence back on the barrel. And when my wee hands and my wee pigs smelled it, when they talked of it, ma ever since, it's lovely stuff. And I brought me animals along here with me to tell you what they think of it, my scent. Now the first is Roderick the cock as daughter of a hen. And there's Pansy the pig. Lousy I know there's somebody you all know and I hope you'll recognize. Thank you, Vice. It's very nice. Now here's an important announcement. Will the gentleman who picked up a piece of rare old china in Oxford Road last Saturday night kindly arranged to meet her at the same place next Saturday. And now I want to introduce to you that well known man about town, Frutti Fortescue. Oh, thank you so much. It's a mere bag of tools, don't worry. Well, actually I was dancing the other day with the most smashing girl. Actually I was. And accidental ear. Yes, actually it was accidental, Earl. I, I, I, I, I, I, I trod on her toe. Actually I did. Well, of course I apologize most profusely. I said I'm most thankfully sorry, actually I am. But I couldn't help stepping on your toe because I'm a little stiff from rugby.

[Jack Train]

And she replied, well, I don't give.

[Tommy Handley]

A damn where you come from. I mean, actually that was pretty terse, wasn't it? Dash it all, I must tell you, another of My most amusing experiences. This will make you howl. Well, actually, this happened in one of those ghastly taxes. It's not one of Sir John Simon's taxis. By the way. Rightfully topical. But in the taxi was the young lady whose toe I actually accidentally trod on, as a matter of fact. Well, there we were driving along this taxi when suddenly the taxi stopped. So I leant forward and I said, driver, why have you stopped? And he said, well, the young lady said, stop. And I replied, well, actually, she wasn't speaking to you. Drive on. Now, here's one more announcement. Will the commercial traveler who left some samples of kippers at the Station Hotel 6 months ago kindly collect same at once as they are broadcasting to all stations. And now, folks, here are one or two testimonials from satisfied users of Itmar. Here's the first one. Dear Mr. Henry, for years I have suffered from severe scratches on my face caused by my wife. But since using Itmar soap, the scratches have disappeared. So is my face and so is my wife. It is a very nice one. This is from a woman. This one says, Dear Mr. Handley, for years I have bent over the washtub without any results. I should ship it and. But I needn't do that anymore, for since using it ma soap I have bent over it until I am permanently shaped like a horseshoe. And now my husband's nailed me over the door for luck. Yours truly, Fetlock Fanny. Isn't that nice? You get thousands of these letters. Well now folks, Ditmar proudly presents that imp of impersonators, Jack Train. And his first impersonation tonight is that of the well known Hollywood star, Lionel Barrymore. Come on, John. Thank you, my friends. Thank you. I've been asked to come here tonight to talk about Ikma perfume. What do I know about it? All I can say is when I was a little boy over in New York with brother John and sister Ethel, sometimes we used it, but our best friends wouldn't tell us. No, sir. My boy Robert Taylor once used that perfume. And now the world refers to him as a Scarlet at Oxford. You know, this afternoon I had the privilege of walking around your Whitworth Park. And I think you're all very lucky people up here. All the beautiful nurse girls there pushing little babies around in perambulators. You know, folks, old as I am, it did something to me. I've always wanted a baby. And you don't know what it is for a man to want to have a baby. No, he says. Anyway, now I'd like To take this opportunity of introducing to you a great friend of yours. I refer to none other than Mr. W.C. fields. I don't think he's any relation to Lincoln's infield. But he's a very nice man just the same. And while he's getting ready, I'll just say thank you very much. Thank you. Stop the noise. Stop the noise. Toscanini. You preceded me then. I can't stand it. My chickadee. There's only one tune I love and that's Hallelujah, I'm a bum. Beautiful tune that starts in the second stands. I can see it now. They stand here. Do you know, my little Ethiopians, that 25 years ago today I was up in the jungle up in the Yukon. If I con Yukon, what do I con? Stuff that way. I was up there in search of wild elephants. Great big things. They are tails bold end. I can see them now. I sweeten between two bits of bread. Very tasty, very sweet. It makes a sink. It does that. When I was searching for these beasts the jungle I had an Indian guide with me. An Indian guide with the name of Running Water. Running Water was always on the tap. I can see him now. He had beautiful daughters. I could see them. The beautiful kids they were. One was blonde and the other was. I can't tell you about that now. But terrible Running Water was the first one who taught me that whiskey cured rattlesnake bites. Whiskey never wanted nine a bottle. I could strangle that guy was. And as a precaution I went to the jungle Running Water always took a couple of barrels of whiskey and I took a couple of rattlesnakes. When I was thirsty I produced rattlesnake and body beautiful bite. Drink the whiskey. I can see it now when I got a go by little scanty panty. I can't wait any longer. I gotta go. Got a word of advice before I go. Feed your babies on onions and you'll find them in the blaco. I'll see you all again next Friday. Friday. Friday. And now I'd like to give you a slight impression of the most natural comedian of all time. He's never used Ikmah perfume. But how he sm. Germany calling. Germany calling. Germany calling. Here are the Reichsander ambush station Bremen. The shockwave station Dja on the 31 meter band. The war which was engineered by Mr. Churchill is becoming exceedingly difficult. People of Manchester, ask your local member of parliament where is Flatiron Market? You will probably be surprised to know that during the last night a fleet of our mesh of sneets blew Flatiron Market into piccadilly. Of the 26 planes that went over 28 baton safely. It has come to the notice of the Third Reich that in Great Britain today, owing to the shortage of brown paper boots are being made of leather. Here are the Reichsander Hambush Station Raymond Shotwave station dja. You have just heard our final news in English for tonight. Thank you very much for your attention. And now, folks, here's that wizard of the organ fella Shawande.

[Jack Train]

Sa.

[Tommy Handley]

My secretary Dutty, is going to sing a ditty and I hope it isn't dirty. Anyway, she's going to sing a very old song which is now popular in America. Oh, Johnny, come on duty.

[Jack Train]

All the girls are crazy about a certain little lad Although he's very, very bad he could be also bad when he wanted to bad or good he understood about love and other things and every girl in town followed him around Just to hold his hand and sing oh, Johnny, oh Johnny, how you can love. Oh, Johnny, oh, Johnny, Heavens above, you make my sad heart jump with joy. And when you're near, I just. Is it still a minute? I'm so old. Johnny, oh Johnny, Please tell me, dear, what makes me love you so? You're not handsome, it's true but when I look at you I just. Oh, Johnny, oh Johnny, oh Ma, he's making eyes at me, Ma, he's awful nice to me, Ma, he's simply driving me wild. I'm beside him. Mercy, let his conscience guide him Ma, he wants to marry me. Be my honeybee. Ma, he's getting so excited. Excited? Got my hand and wants to bite it Ma, it's kissing me. Oh, Johnny, oh Johnny, how you can love. Oh, Johnny, oh Johnny, Heavens above, you make my sad heart jump with joy. And when you're near I just can sit still a minute, I'm still so. Oh, Johnny, oh Johnny, Please tell me, dear what makes me love you so? When I sit on your knee, oh, what you do to me I just. O. Johnny, oh Johnny, oh Johnny, oh Johnny, oh. And now, ladies and gentlemen, Fellowshawand is going to play you a medley of popular tunes.

[Maurice Denham]

Well, it's very nearly 9:00, so may I say, I hope you've had lots of fun listening to this show.

[Tommy Handley]

Pitch me out of the palace. Don't you start.

[Maurice Denham]

Oh, dear me, dear me. Here's that man again. Well, it's only right, I think. After all, it is Tommy Handler's show. Creation of a part of it, Ma. So let's leave it to him to say goodnight to you all.

[Tommy Handley]

Well, hello folks. It's been very nice to be back on the air again and I hope you've enjoyed the show and it won't be long before we're back again. Bye bye. Good night.

[Maurice Denham]

Thank you, Tommy very much. And so with Feeler, Shawn Death Jorgense. I'll say good night everybody from the Palace, Manchester.

[Tommy Handley]

Hello, Forces. We present to you Top of the bill, number 13. This week's top of the bill is Hermione Bradley, star of the Little reviews. John Pritchard accompanies her at the piano.

[Jack Train]

Hello, Forces. Now this evening I'm starting with a song called Hotel Piece. I especially have been asked to do this for the boys, but our beloved Florence Desmond imitated me doing this the other day and did it so well that I hardly feel I must ever do it again. But anyway, here goes. Love walked right in and drove my shadows away Love walked right in and brought my happiest day. Aggie. Aggie, have you emptied Mrs. Brown's hot water bottle? Oh, that's a good girl. As manageress of the Talbot Arms, I try to keep the tone up with a smile that cheers and a voice that charms our visitors when they phone up. A very good class we cater for in tweeds and aqua scuta that don't disgrace our antlers or our sporting prince or pewter My coiffure cannot fail to pass My spray's picturesque My nails are nice and I keep a glass of stout behind the desk. It's true our guests may sometimes fail to tip the under porter Our chambermaids could tell a tale or two about hot water. We sometimes find a lady's comb In a bedroom that surprises but there to make a home from home it takes all sorts and sizes. It takes all sorts in sizes. There's number 37 who is given to complain and number 5 whose overcoat has lost its collar chain 17 is quite a puzzle I can't think what he's about he keeps on going out and coming in and going out. Number 12 is so extremely hoity toity and select he never says good morning which is not what I Expect and number 44 has forgotten to bring more from the top of his pajamas which creates a bad effect. Two is back from Egypt which is rather more my line but you can have them all if you will be. Give me number nine. The leather of his suitcase rarely gave me such a thrill that every time I see him I can somehow smell it. Still he's a dozen pairs of Shoes and another pair of trees. You can always tell a gentleman by little things like these. He telephones to Ascot. He telephones to Cowes. It's for him I wear these lilies of the valley in my beloved. Oh, Number nine. Yes, Number nine is all the rage with me. It gives me quite a flutter just to think I have his key. And his voice, well, I sometimes mention to him Just to hear him speak what simply gorgeous weather we experienced last week. He's got a place at Dorking which I gather is divine and the extras he has had the baths, the billiards and the wine. Oh, I'm sure that this hotel would do very, very well if we had a few more clients of the class of Number nine. Aggie. Aggie. Get on with your work. Our lady guests are apt to be more fussy than the men what with rows and smells and. And ringing bells. I'm sick of number 10. That wretched little dog of her should really be restrained. She should keep it in a kennel if she cannot have it trained. Number Five is much less trouble But I must confess I hope next time she leaves the writing room she'll leave one envelope. It's funny how the sphere and the tether disappear when she goes away on Friday I quite tremble for the soup but to all these little troubles I must willingly resign for after all there's always. Yes, there's always Number nine. He's always so obliging With a charming word to say I'll be quite the Madam Butterfly the day he goes away. I bet he looks a treat when they take in his morning tea His A through and through with not a trace of C, T, C this morning when I said the weather really was a shame and he answered, yes, it was we somehow always think the same. Then he asked me was I busy and I answered one long buzz but working stops you thinking and he answers, yes, it does. And then I looked straight in his eyes and he looked straight in mine and I said, well, just for your sake I do hope it turns out fine. Oh, I'm sure that this hotel would do very, very well if we had a few more clients of the class of number. And now a little sketch by AP Herbert. Hello? Hello, is that Paddington 0675? Is that you, Fred? I say, Fred, it's like this. I can't come out tonight. Fred. Hello? You see, Mrs. Mortimer's got a party on tonight, Fred. And Mabel's got the hooping cough. I told her you were sailing in the morning, but Mrs. Mortimer said hello, oh, isn't that Fred Mullins? Oh, I'm very sorry, sir. I'm sure. I thought she said you was. I say, what you think of that? Lord Barley, if you please. I better dial again. Here, miss. I've got the wrong number. I want Paddington 0675. And don't put me under Winston Churchill this time. I'm not dressed for it. I say, fancy pouring me heart out to a st. Strange lord. I'm blushing all over. Hello? No, I will not put two pennies. And you've had my money and you know it. Hello? Hello, is Mr. Mullins there, please? Is that you, Fred? I say, Fred. I can't come out tonight, Fred. Yes, I know, Fred, but it's no good swearing. They'll only charge extra. Well, you see, Mrs. Mortimer's got a party on tonight, Fred, and she says she can't let me go because Mabel's got the whooping cough. I told her you were going to see in the morning, but she says she can't help that. Well, Fred, you see, she's in her right. You see, I had last night. No, no, it's no good, Fred. I can't leave her. Not with nobody. Still, I did want to see you, Fred. What time's your try and go, Fred? No, there's the washing up. I'd never do it, not by then. No, it's goodbye, Fred, and there's no getting away from it. Oh, y. Fred, you looking nice. You're wearing the scarf I knitted. You wanted scratches. Oh, well, you'll have to get used to that, dear. Wish I could see you, Fred. What, Fred? Yes, Fred, of course I love you. Only I can't say much here. Hello, dear. I said of course I love you. What? What? Three more minutes. Of course I want three more minutes. What's your think? That girl, Fred? This time tomorrow you'll be on the brany, I suppose. Will you send me a wireless, Fred? Just three words. Like thinking of you. What? Elevenpence a word. Well, if I'm not worth elevenpence. Hello, dear. What I'll say, Fred. Will there be any girls on the ship? I'm glad of that, Fred. Yeah? Do you know what Maud said this afternoon? She said she saw you at the pictures Friday with another girl. Well, I said it'd be your sister, Fred. But she said this girl had red hair. So I said your sister very often wore a wig on Fridays because that's her day out. But Maud said. Maud said it wasn't a wig. Who was she, Fred? Oh, no, I Don't want to know, really. Well, I was only teasing. Only. Only last night. You did say I was the only one, didn't you? And I thought perhaps. Hello? Yes. Yes, I. Hussy. Fred. It's all right, Fred. It's a free country, isn't it? You've a perfect right to go to the pictures. No, no, Fred. I'm not crying, Fred. Not so she'd notice it. Hello. How long will you be gone, Fred? You don't know. You will take care of them foreign girls, won't you, Fred? They're an artful lot, I've always been told. Especially with sailors. Oh, well, I must be getting back, I suppose. I wish it was last night, Fred. You'll think of me sometimes, won't you, dear? Think of me washing up and thinking of you. And I'll think of you lashed to the mast and thinking of me. And then something's bound to happen. Well, goodbye, Fred. You haven't said you love me yet. I'll go on, dear. What's the matter with you? They won't charge anything. I don't believe you do, Fred. What about that ginger girl? Oh, golden. I'm sorry, I'm sure. Oh, well, I beg your pardon. Well, Fred, I love you and I don't care who's listening. What do you do tonight before the train goes? Go to the pictures. Oh, well, I wouldn't do that, Fred. Not tonight. Well, I don't know. I wouldn't like to think of you sitting at the pictures while I'm washing up. I'd rather think you were moping somewhere all by yourself. Fred. Oh, dear. I did want to see you or. Well, never mind. It'll all be over soon. And then you'll be back. And then we'll get married. Hello. You are going to marry me. Aren't you afraid? Hello, Fred. You are going to marry Aunt me, aren't you? I haven't got two pennies. Can't you wait a minute? I say, Fred, I've got no more coppers. You do love me, don't you, Fred? Hello? No, I haven't. And if you cut me off, young woman, I'll tear your eyes out. Fred. Fred, are you there?

[Tommy Handley]

Fred?

[Jack Train]

Goodbye, Fred. You are going to marry me, aren't you, Fred? Aren't you, Fred? Hello? Oh, what's the game? You've cut me off. Fred, Are you there, Fred? Fred. Fred. Oh, dear. And now, just to cheer us up, a little song about the ladies army form fos, girls. Chests out, girls. What's the matter, Miss Carey, please come. And then I've lost my lipstick. Well, I can't help that. I've lost my pipe. Two Britons called we one and all have hastened to enlist Both short and tall, Both big and small all anxious to assist Girls from Vallam, Girls from Streatham, Girls from Bowen, Peckham from Not a danger can upset em. Where are the girls to do or die? Where are the girls? Or where the girls are? Where the girls to do or die. Girlettes, Girlettes. Out and around and about Girlettes, Girlettes. Turning the place inside out we follow each trail we pursue every track we don't give a fig for surprise or attack if we meet any cows we always turn back My good Girlette. Girlettes. Girlettes. Rushing about everywhere Girlettes. Girlettes. Sporty and devil may pre, you'll find us prepared now that we've got a war to do what our sisters in arms did before we'll show the men what we girls we made for we're good Girlettes, Girlettes, Girlettes. Ready for a new task Girlettes, Girlettes. Ready to do all you ask we're willing to fight and to die for the cause do we turn our hair in the face of death's jaws? No. We tighten our belts and we pull up our good girl act.

[Tommy Handley]

You've been listening to Top of The bill, number 13, Hermione Baddeley. The next Top of the Bill will be Flanagan and Allen on Monday, May 27 at 6.45sa.