Its That Man Again 1940-05-18 Its That Man Again - Stage Show Recorded For Forces Radio

Summary

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Podcast Summary

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode: Its That Man Again 1940-05-18 – Stage Show Recorded For Forces Radio
Date: January 1, 2026
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio

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Episode Overview

This episode delivers a lively, full-length broadcast from 1940 of the iconic British wartime comedy program, "It’s That Man Again" (ITMA), performed live at the Palace Theatre, Manchester, and recorded for Forces Radio. The episode is a variety-packed stage show with sketches, rapid-fire gags, running jokes, musical interludes, and impersonations. The style is typical of the era—fast, surreal, and densely packed with wordplay—featuring lead comedian Tommy Handley as the indefatigable ITMA and a supporting cast playing a multitude of recurring and one-off comic characters. The show also includes musical numbers and a special segment, "Top of the Bill," spotlighting actress Hermione Baddeley.

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Key Discussion Points & Segment Breakdown

1. Show Introduction & Cast Rollcall ([00:00-03:03])

• The host introduces the show and sets the scene, capturing the excitement of a live audience.
• The overture concludes, and the cast is presented—including Tommy Handley (ITMA), Maurice Denham (Mrs. Tickle), Jack Train (multiple characters), June Marlow (Dotty), and Bobby Lockwood (office boy).
• Host's asides celebrate the glamour and comedy of the ensemble:

  “Twelve lovely secretaries. And believe me, lovely is the right word.”
  — Host ([03:03])

2. Comedy Sketches & Office Antics ([03:03–11:26])

• Mrs. Tickle’s comedic telephone encounter kicks things off, marked by absurd phrases and fumbled names.
• The recurring theme of confusion and chaos in the office is established—a parade of secretaries, comically formal greetings, and banter.
• Running gags about “posted papers,” odd characters such as Winston Churchill as “Circumference,” and a dance number by Johnny Lockwood.
• Satirical “orders” are dictated:

  “All pedestrians must wear a rear light and a gong attached to the seat of authority. Anybody found kicking the gong around, we'll get a clout in the kisser with a kipper.”
  — ITMA (Tommy Handley) ([07:10])

3. Mistaken Identities & Letter Gags ([11:26–14:38])

• ITMA is introduced to his new secretary, Dotty (“I’m a touch typist.” “Well, it’s just the type I want.”).
• Vulcan Vodkin (the White Russian technical expert) debates doubles and impersonations, leading to slapstick misunderstanding.

  “I’ll be festooned with fried fish if I’m not!”
  — ITMA (Tommy Handley), on mistaken doubles ([13:14])

4. The “Stolen Plans” Farce ([14:38–16:04])

• The office deals with missing secret plans. There’s confusion around where the plans are hidden and classic farce as they try to outmaneuver “Foonf.”

  “If these plans fell into the enemy's hands, they’d sprain his wrists.”
  — Passpov/ITMA ([15:40])

5. Impromptu Stand-Up Routine & Signature Song ([17:01–22:51])

• ITMA launches into a vaudeville-style string of rapid-fire jokes (“I walked in the labor exchange—the bloke fainted. They offered him work!”).
• A comic “testimonial” for ITMA’s fictional “perfume” follows.
• Concludes with ITMA leading a rousing, morale-boosting song:

  “…We want 40 million smilers, so come and join the rank and file. Show them we're not shirkers—smile, smile, smile!”
  — ITMA, singing ([21:00])

6. Perfume Parody Segment ([23:11–33:43])

• Satirical advert for “ITMA perfume” with mock testimonials and global endorsements.
• Jack Train performs impersonations of Lionel Barrymore and W.C. Fields in distinctly British parody.

  “I’ve always wanted a baby. You don’t know what it is for a man to want to have a baby?”
  — Jack Train as Barrymore ([31:16])

• Parodic Nazi propaganda broadcast (“Germany calling. The wall engineered by Mr. Churchill is becoming exceedingly difficult…”)

7. Musical Interlude & “Oh Johnny” ([37:18–40:19])

• Dotty (June Marlow) performs “Oh Johnny,” a lively song about a cheeky boy, with flirty and comic overtones:

  “Oh Johnny, oh Johnny, how you can love…”
  — Dotty (June Marlow) ([37:31])

8. Top of the Bill: Hermione Baddeley ([41:15–52:53])

• The segment pivots to Hermione Baddeley, who performs a witty musical monologue “Hotel Peace” as a hotel proprietress, brimming with character observations and innuendo.
• Follows with a phone sketch about a romantic misunderstanding (“Fred? You are going to marry me, aren't you, Fred?”), delivering both comedy and pathos.
• Concludes with an upbeat, war-themed number about Britain’s “Girlettes” (women’s auxiliary corps), blending humor and pride:

  “We’ll show the men what we girls are made for—we’re good Girlettes, ready to do all you ask…”
  — Hermione Baddeley ([53:00])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Office Chaos:
  “Girls, this is most irregular. Most irregular. What will Ms. Whitman say? Look at you. Come on. Come on, you work.”
  — ITMA ([05:19])

• Wartime Satire:
  “Germany calling. Germany calling. The wall which was engineered by Mr. Churchill is becoming exceedingly difficult.”
  — Parody Nazi broadcaster ([33:58])

• Comic Double Entendre:
  “You’d be surprised.” (on typing speed)
  — Dotty ([11:51])

• Morale Booster:
  “There’s nothing like a smile to make you happy… we want 40 million smilers, so come and join the rank and file.”
  — ITMA ([21:00])

• Patriotic Fun:
  “Feed your babies on onions and you’ll find them in the blackout. I’ll see you all again next Friday.”
  — W.C. Fields impression ([33:23])

• Classic Romance & British Humour:
  “Fred? You are going to marry me, aren’t you, Fred? I haven’t got two pennies. Can’t you wait a minute?”
  — Hermione Baddeley ([52:00])

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Show Introduction & Cast: [00:00–03:03]
• Office Antics: [03:03–11:26]
• Mistaken Identities: [11:26–14:38]
• “Stolen Plans” Farce: [14:38–16:04]
• Stand-Up/Song: [17:01–22:51]
• Perfume Parody & Impersonations: [23:11–33:43]
• Musical Interlude (“Oh Johnny”): [37:18–40:19]
• Top of the Bill (Hermione Baddeley): [41:15–54:35]

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Conclusion

This episode of "ITMA" is a vibrant time-capsule of British radio comedy at its best—fast, surreal, and laden with wordplay. It’s a show designed as much for uplifting wartime spirits as for sharp entertainment, resonating with its zany characters, quickfire jokes, and musical numbers. Even for new listeners, the comedic rhythm, the roster of recurring comic types, and the strong performance chemistry make this classic episode a thoroughly entertaining slice of the Golden Age of Radio.

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Transcript

[A]

Tonight we present that popular radio show, Itma from the Paris Theatre, Manchester. By arrangement with George Black. Well, good evening, everybody from the Palace, Manchester. I'm sure you're all delighted to welcome Mitmar back to the air. And the overture is just finishing. The show is shortly going to start. I shall have plenty of time to talk to you during the first part and tell you about the cast. So we'll start off with the show, the orchestra finishing the overture. And the scene starts with our old friend Mrs. Tickle, played by Morris Denham, in a telephone box.

[B]

This is Pomp speaking. I want o t. 1, 2, 3, 3. Is that ot 1, 2, 3, 3 it is to it mar. The Minister of aggravation I wish to see.

[C]

Speak.

[B]

Is that ITMA?

[C]

No, this is Mrs. Tickle.

[B]

I want it.

[C]

Well, you can't have him. He's not in yet.

[B]

So soon as he is in, he will be out. Bul has spoken. Oh, what an incident, eh? I wish I had as many shillings. Well, folks, welcome to the office of Twerks. No smoke or smell comes from the lamp as the fun goes round. And children in arms are not admitted unless with somebody. Well, enough of this tomfoolery, girls. And don't sail your china ducks in my top hat. Step on it, slaves. Isn't that nice, eh? Come on, let's go.

[A]

Well, now we're well underway, of course, I don't need to remind you that Itmar is played by that maestro of mirth, Tommy Handley. Maurice Denham is Mrs. Tickle. As I've already explained. Jack Train plays Jollop phospot and about 17 other characters. Glamorous June Marlow is Dotty, Itmar's private secretary. Bobby Lockwood plays the office boy. And at the moment, the 12 lovely secretaries. And believe me, lovely is the right word. Are walking across after their opening chorus.

[B]

Business before pleasure. Hello. What's that? All the papers. Oh, yes, sir. I'll post the papers. Very good. Circumference. All right. Circumference. Certainly. Circumference. Goodbye, Circumference. That was Winston Churchill. Well, well, well. Now that the papers are posted safely, I can sleep peacefully in my office. Good morning, everybody. Good morning.

[C]

Good morning.

[B]

It's great to turn up late. I said good morning to you. Good morning.

[C]

Good morning.

[B]

Now, don't overtire yourself.

[C]

Good morning.

[B]

Good morning. Now, come on, girls, and show a leg. Old Igma's on his way. You got to hang your clothes. I want to beg and prepare to start the day.

[C]

Good morning. Good morning.

[B]

O Come along, you two. Good morning. Good morning.

[C]

Sam.

[B]

Girls, this is most irregular. Most irregular. What will Ms. Whitman say? Look at you. Come on. Come on, you work.

[C]

Come on.

[A]

At this stage the girls have arrived, the 12 lovely secretaries. And this dance which Johnny Lockwood does with them, is where they prepare for work. They arrive in hats, scarves, coats, fully dressed. I don't think it's part of my function to describe exactly what happens, but anyway, the result is very satisfactory to the audience as a spectacle. And ultimately, at the end of this short dance, we find ourselves inside the office of quirps. Meanwhile, I think I should apologize for making one small slip when I was talking to you about the cast. I forgot one of the most important characters in this show and that is funt. Now, Funk is played by, well, let's say funch, shall we?

[B]

There's a letter for you.

[C]

A letter for me?

[B]

Yes, ma'.

[C]

Am.

[B]

I wonder if it's from that nice Mr. Godfrey win. It signs your loving admirer, Mr. Funk. Oh, romance at last.

[C]

Dearest Lola article.

[B]

That's me, Lola Shortwin edition. Knowing as how you always do your best for all your gentlemen, will you meet me in the telephone box when you've got your doodars on? Oh, he must be me new crate machines. Now hurry along because I need you. I've come over. All unnecessary. I wonder what he wants. Goodbye. Surprise.

[C]

What was it?

[B]

What was it?

[C]

Oh, it.

[B]

Cars on the walk. That's fine. You can see your baby samples on Tuesday. What an office. Hey, what an office. Just like the bottom of a baby's brand. All crumbs and wee toys. We love it. Now come on, girls. Take a letter to all who we may concern in future, all pedestrians must wear a rear light and a gong attached to the seat of authority. Anybody found kicking the gong around, we'll get a clout in the kisser with a kipper. It's at the end of the passage. Come on, girls, one more letter. Mrs. Peggy Borkinpensen. Dear Mrs. Borkin Penson, in reply to your inquiry, the cheapest way to get three meals a day is to have beans for breakfast, hot water for lunch and lemon swell up for dinner and never hit your husband in the face with his chewy narrow root biscuits. Now let me see what you've got down there. I think Ikma's got nice eyes. What are you riding on? That's something to do with it. And I ask. This is phone speaking. Phone. Is that a name or a rude expression? They take your phone.

[C]

Phone.

[B]

Phone fee 5 phone, phone. Fine. Oh, yeah. Enigma. Your end is inside. Good Lord is my shirt. I can have girls drop you out here today. I am going to get you. Yes. Already I have papers. Well, you know, you can hang the papers. Beware, for it has spoken. Oh, God. Take a running fun for yourself. That goes for you too, girls. Now watch you go now. Good morning. Where have I seen that face before? Oh, gee. Bunch in three. The car outside. What a common boy. Oh, well, I must get my lunch money out of the old fruit machine. Two apples and an ast. Be desperate. That's no good. Hello, Fuss, but the old china core. Who are those two fellows looking over your shoulders? Oh, it's your ears. Well, I don't mind you, sir. Dash, sir? It's most irregular, sir. Most irregular. Well, why don't you trim it with the scissors? No, no, it's not my dash, sir. Not your dash?

[C]

No, sir, but.

[B]

Don't talk. Josh, what is it? It's the papers, sir. The papers. The important papers. What's happening? They haven't arrived at the office of Pettibis Dixon. Dear me and Tosh tchotch.

[C]

What's happened?

[B]

Did you deliver them, sir? I posted them in a pillar box outside the office. The pillar box is gone, sir. Well, bite my bottom lip. Mush punch. We're ruined. No, sir, I have the duplicate. I wondered what that rash was in your barley gate. No, no. What do you mean? The coffee. Oh, geez. Munching the curl out, sir. I'd sign up. What an uncouth urchin. Isn't it, Buzzmart? Yes, sir. Now, keep your eyes on those papers and keep this office tight. Tidy, sir. Tidy, tidy. Two jelly babies in the bullseye. Well, they can't all get in that place at once, Damn you. Something about those papers, Tom. Yes, have a care, Handley. Foonf may be in your office. No, he wouldn't come within a mile of this place. I can't stomach thump too. What is all this? Well, push me down the plug hole. He's got the lot. I've never. Aha. My full dividend. Well, how nice. Sign, please. Sign. I'll write a play for that cargo. C O D. What does that mean? Cuddle undy man. There you are, Jim. Take it away and take your father with you. Ah, good morning. So you're my new secretary, are you?

[C]

Yes, I'm Dotty.

[B]

Well, I'm barmy. So everything will be all right? Everything in working order? Oh, yes, fine. Tell me, can you type?

[C]

Not much. I'm a touch typist.

[B]

Well, it's just the type I want. Now, if I dictate to you, can you take it for the last job?

[C]

I think so.

[B]

First, but bung up the keyholes with scented soap. I'm working late tonight. Tell me, my child, what speed.

[C]

You'd be surprised.

[B]

Do you know, I think you and I are going to get on very well together. Put that girl down. Well, loosen my loincloth.

[C]

Oh, that's given me such a headache.

[B]

Oh, I didn't know you'd had your face lifted. Here he is. Deadly night shirt. Mr. Handelman? Yes. I am your technical expert. Vulcan, you look like a dirty napkin. No, no, I am Vodkin of Omsk. Well, I'm Handley of Tomsk. Here, why don't you stand nearer to your razor when you shave? But I am a White Russian. I will tuck your shirt in when you talk to me. Listen, I think you and I can find foonf together. Yeah, he isn't in this blackout of yours, is he? Got four ravens and three golf balls in there. Then you must have a double. Ah, now you're talking. I'll have a large whiskey right away. No, no, no, no, no. The fool funf. There must be two of you. Two of me? Two tickles, two fast pots. You speak better with your teeth in. You know you got one tooth and tacit. Hello. Hey, away, parasite. What's a parasite? Search me. Have you ever tried flip? Now, come on, budget. Get those doubles and get them quick. Yes, but Mr. Hat. Now quit, Starling, or I'll knock your mullet off.

[C]

Hello?

[B]

Yes, J.J. this is Font speaking. Well, the time draws near. Why are they open soon? In your office I will be. This is my final warning. We get thousands of final warnings in this office. Beware. Fulf has spoke. Oh, go and strain your cabbage water. When I think of the precaution, I better disguise myself. I've had the wind up ever since I found his fingerprints on my 8 ounces of butter. If I put these redsters on and miss now, she'll never know whether. What a makeup, eh? Yes, this is the place. Well, I'll pull the chain off my watch. Who the devil are you? Strip my gears. I'm your double. I'll be tattooed with a tarbish if you are. I'll be festooned with fried fish if I'm not. Well, pounder me with pumice. Don't if I look like you get out of well on me. You wicked old man. Coming in here fighting me.

[C]

He said.

[B]

I mean red sails in the sunset. Get away, Tits. Hello? Yes. Well, it sounds dirty, but I like it. I don't know what are you talking about. Hey, what are you going? Well, I always do my best for all my gentlemen, sir. Now that's not an answer to my query. Were you boy? Well, I'm meeting him.

[C]

It's such a nice man tonight.

[B]

Oh, what's his name? Charlie Staircase. No, Mr. Funk. Yeah, Funk. Right. Tonight when I me that guy. Hey, have I done wrong, sir? Not yet, but I should. Keep your hands on your battery. Don't be late in the morning. No, sir. Oh, first one. I've got the plan, sir. Where did you find the plan? They were in the plan drawer. Get away. Sir, the plan's in the plan. Draw. What an extraordinary thing. I thought to be in the fridge. Well, come on. Putt, putt. Yes, sir. Now look, I want to watch this very closely. Oh, yes, because there's a woman's onward. Steak and some chips. Now. Now watch this closely. Yes, sir. You see this road along here? Now we go along there past Shakespeare's works. Yeah. You see, that's where the smoke's coming out of the chimney. There's Mrs. Bernankock sitting in the bay window and the old man shedding peas in the garden. Now we come down here to Offshot, Bagshot and Bulford. And we cut through here to hook em, cook them and farm them. And now we're stuck. Now where am I going to hide my secret weapon if I've got one? Don't point. First of all, I don't like that. You know, if these plans fell into the enemy's hands, they'd sprain his wrists. Then, sir. Yes. We must guard them with our lives. That's not a good idea at all. But I'll do it. I sh. Ohmph has managed to get himself inside.

[A]

The office while Passpov Nitma are talking. And he spirited the plans away.

[B]

Take it away. Oh, sir, it's most irregular. Irregular? Irregular. Oh, sir, it's most irregular. Don't open it. I. Whom can it be, I wonder? I'll open its. My thunder. I'll tear it all asunder. Lustful tempers. Tis butter. T L E T A M. Hello, cock. What are you doing here? Good. Perhaps the wire has come from Punk. From Pump. From Pump. I said from Pump. And if the wire has come from Funk, we'll send it back on Friday.

[C]

On Friday.

[B]

On Friday Presented. Back on Friday. Never touch me. We'll find books. We'll find books. It is a tickle. It Is a ball. It is a crossbow. That's a cross, that wheel. Fine. Well, I've been told to come on here and do an ecstasy. So I've rehearsed the smashing act. A wonderful act. Fifty marvelous stories. I'll tell you. The three they haven't cut out. Well, I must tell you. I walked in the labor exchange the other day, you know. In the labor exchange. I've been working there for a little while. I've been working there. I got in the door and the bloke fainted. I said, what's the matter with him? They offered him work. He said, no. He got a civil answer off one of the clerks. I got to the counter. The zoo rang up. They hadn't been open very long, this zoo. They hadn't got many animals. They wanted a monkey. So they set me down there. Well, when I got down there, he said to me, now put this skin on and go about the trees there. I was hopping about from bough to val. All of a sudden, one of the boughs broke. I landed right in the lion's den. There was a lion coming at me from the right hand side. One lion from the left hand side. And I said, help. And one of the lions said, shut up. Let's work. We get us all the sack. Then they got me another job. I had to organize a hunt. So I went down and had a look at the horses and the hounds. When I saw the hounds, there was no lady dog. So I put one in. We started the hunt. We lost the hounds. I said to a postman going by, you seen the hounds anywhere? He said, yes, they've just gone up there, the lady dogs leading by about five lengths of Foxy Lane fifth. I had to go away for a moment for that job. I had to go into lodgings. I got some marvellous lodgings. The only trouble was the landlady, do you know, she fetched me up fish for breakfast, fish for dinner, fish for tea, fish for supper. Well, I mean, I got fed up with fish. So I took some sausages in. I gave her the sausages. She said, how'd you cook them? Cook them? I said, you fry them like fish. She fetched them in for me dinner. She said, I don't think you're going to like these. I said, why? She said, well, there's nothing in them after you've cleaned them. I went in the post office the other day and while I was in there, a fellow went up and asked the girl for telegrams form. And she gave him a telegram form and he wrote on it. He wrote on it, Diddle diddle, diddle, diddle diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle diddle. So the girl looked at it. She said, she said, you can have another word for the same money. She said, shall I put another diddle in? He said, no, that'll make it look silly. Listen, I must tell you, my pal. My pal's been out of work for 10 years. 10 years he's been out of work. They got him a job the other day as a special constable. I said, how'd you like your new job? He said, marvelous. It's better than walking about the streets. He saved a lot of money at that job. He saved enough money to go on a cruise. And he went away on a cruise and got shipwrecked on a desert island. Well, he was unconscious for a long time. And when he woke up, he found a beautiful girl standing over him. And she looked down. She said, you look a bit rough, old man. He said, I don't feel too good. I'm very hungry. So she said, well, shall I cook you some eggs and bacon? He said, eggs and bacon? Don't tell me you've got eggs and bacon on the island. She said, of course I have. You can have some fried tomatoes with it if you like. He said, fried tomatoes? Don't tell me you've got fried tomatoes on the island. She said, of course I have. So he had some fried tomatoes. She said, would you like a cigarette to finish that off with now? He said, lady, don't tell me you've got cigarettes on the island. She said, certainly I've got cigarettes. So he had a cigarette. This is it. She came over and sat on his knee. Then she said, and now. And now would you like to play the game that all men like to play? Uh huh. He said, don't tell me you've got a dartboard on the island. That's what I thought as well. Well, I'm going to sing a song now. A song entitled put away your tweezers till your eyebrows meet again. There's nothing like a smile to make you happy to make you happy as can be so come and do your duty For England, home and beauty Come and join the happy family we want 40 million smilers to walk around and smile all day we don't want the moaners and the groaners They're a lot of Jonas Anyway we want 40 million smilers so come and join the rang and file show them we're not shirkers Come on, fellow Workers. And smile, smile, smile. We're on the air in three minutes with our commercial broadcast. And there isn't a pot wash. If I can only find this. You. I bet that's f. Hello? Is that F? No, this is his father. His father? Mr. Hackenfacken Funk. Yeah. So you double cross my little dummy. Boy, you'll be surprised. Then let me tell you, Mr. Hitman, we have called up against you. Who are the fs oh, go and soak your centerpods. Well, the whole blinking family's after me now. 1, 2, 3 is a kid can hear you. Hey, grubby banknotes. Come here. What is this? Old tea? There's a cup of tea and a piece of cake outside. What are you talking about? Well, there was a car outside, but it's plain paints well. Served the owner right for leaving it outside the office of twerfs. That's what I say. That's what I say.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

What was the number?

[C]

Oot.

[B]

1, 2, 3. Oot. What's it. Hey, that's my car. I know, but you can't say I didn't warn you. Good Lord, we're on the air. Come on, boys. Open up your backpack.

[C]

Hello? Hello?

[B]

Ec radio fakenberg defense de creche. The itma perfume program. Here's that santa.

[C]

Fe.

[B]

Oh, good evening, everybody. Tonight the makes a bitmar scent. The perfume of passion and pickled onions. It's ever so clinging and, oh, so smellful. Proudly presents a nasty nocturne of nitwittery and noise. Featuring that imp of impersonators, Jack Train. That meister of the microphone, Maurice Denham. Oh, that's me.

[C]

I thought I was still Mrs. Pickle.

[B]

And the big slip himself, Tommy Handley. Hello, folks. One or two stories I heard at my mother's knee in other joints. Now, once upon a time, there were three bears. Bear to the right, bear to the left and stark naked. So the other. Wrong program. Wrong program. You're telling us. What are we doing? Perfume. Bit more cheese. The scent of a century. Yeah. Narvik. Narvik. Narvic. Use it more toothpaste. And say tata. Tata. Goodbye, boys. See you later. Over to you. There was an old man of devises whose ears were of different sizes. This ear over here was as big as that there. And so was his nose and his eyes. I'm just laughing. Oh, what is it? Perfume. That's right. The Itmar Perfume program. Now, this perfume or pong comes to you in three varieties. Vapor of virgin, Tincture of tittle and fragrance of pump. Wrap that up. And I'll take it home with me. Now, Itmar perfume users are all over the world. And tonight in our studio we have some of the most famous. And the first one to talk to you is that well known Scotsman, Angus McPodage. Where are you?

[C]

Come here.

[B]

That's it. Well, I was up in Huddersfield going to Sunderland to the day when sunningly around the globe. Scotch, not Irish. Oh, okay. Well, there was an awful lot of foot and mouth disease rife and fife. It's not my old friend will Fife, mind you. And I wanted a good strong disinfectant from a farm, so I went to the fishmonger and I bought a great barrel of it, my scent for one and sixpence. I was all right. I got one and fivepence back on the barrel. And when my wee hands and my wee pigs smelled him on the top of it, Ma ever since, it's lovely stuff. And I brought me animals along here with me to tell you what they think of it, my scent. Now the first is Roderick the cock. As daughter the hen. Pansy the pig. Lousy. Another somebody you all know and I hope you'll recognize. Thank you guys, it's very nice. And now, here's an important announcement. Will the gentleman who picked up a piece of rare old china in Oxford Road last Saturday night kindly arrange to meet her at the same place next Saturday. And now I want to introduce to you that well known man about town, Frutti Fortescue. Oh, thank you so much. It's a mere bag of tools, don't worry.

[C]

Yeah, well, actually.

[B]

I was dancing the other day with the most smashing girl, actually I was.

[C]

And accidental.

[B]

Yes, actually it was accidental. I trod on her toe. Actually I did. Well, of course I apologize most profusely. I said, I'm most very sorry, actually I am, but I couldn't help stepping on your toe because I'm a little stiff from rugby.

[C]

And she replied, well, I don't give a damn where you come from.

[B]

I mean, actually, that was pretty terse, wasn't it? Dash it all, I must tell you, another of my most amusing experiences. This will make you howl. Well, actually, this happened in one of those ghastly taxes. It's not one of Sir John Simon's taxis, by the way. Rightfully topical. But in the taxi was the young lady whose toe I actually accidentally trod on, as a matter of fact. Well, there we were driving along this taxi, when suddenly the taxi stopped. So I leaned forward and I said, driver, why have you stopped? And he said, well, the young lady said stop. And I replied, well, actually, she wasn't speaking to you. Drive on. Now, here's one more announcement. Will the commercial traveler who left some samples of kippers at the station hotel six months ago. Kindly collect same at once as they are broadcasting to all stations. And now, folks, here are one or two testimonials from satisfied users of it MA here's the first one. Dear Mr. Handley, for years I have suffered from severe scratches on my face caused by my wife. But since using it my soap, the scratches have disappeared. So has my face and so has my wife. It is a very nice one. This is from a woman. This one says, Dear Mr. Handley, for years I have bent over the washtub without any results. I should just. But I needn't do that anymore. For since using it ma soap, I have bent over it until I am permanently shaped like a horseshoe. And now my husband's nailed me over the door for luck. Yours truly, Fetlock Fanny. Isn't that nice? You get thousands of these letters. Well, now, folks, Ditmar proudly presents that imp of impersonators, Jack Train. And his first impersonation tonight is that of the well known Hollywood star, Lionel Barrymore. Come on, John. Thank you, my friends. Thank you. I've been asked to come here tonight to talk about Ytma Perfume. What do I know about it? All I can say is when I was a little boy over in New York with brother John and sister Ethel, sometimes we used it, but our best friends wouldn't tell us no such. My boy Robert Taylor once used that perfume. And now the world refers to him as a skunk at Oxford. You know, this afternoon I had the privilege of walking around your Whitworth Park. And I think you're all very lucky people up here. All the beautiful nurse girls there. Pushing little girls, babies around in perambulators. You know, folks, old as I am, it did something to me. I've always wanted a baby. And you don't know what it is for a man to want to have a baby?

[C]

No.

[B]

Anyway, now I'd like to take this opportunity of introducing to you a great friend of yours. I refer to none other than Mr. James W.C. fields. I don't think he's any relation to Lincoln's infield. But he's a very nice man just the same. And while he's getting ready, I'll just say thank you very much. Thank you. SP the noise. Cut the noise. Toscanini. You preceded me then. Night three. I can't stand it. My Tickety. There's only one tune I love and that's Hallelujah. I'm a bum. Beautiful tune that starts in the second stanza. I can see it now as I stand here. Do you know, my little Ethiopians, that 25 years ago today I was up in the jungle. Up in the Yukon if I can. Yukon. What do I count up that way? I was up there in search of wild elephants. Great big things. They are tails volvaned. I can see them now. I sweeten between two bits of bread. Very tasty, very sweet. It makes you think. It does that. When I was searching for these beasts of the jungle, I had an Indian guide with me. An Indian guide with the name of Running Water. Running Water. He was always on the tap. I can see him now. He had beautiful daughters. I could see them. The beautiful kids they were. One was blonde and the other would say. I can't tell you about that.

[C]

Now I've got.

[B]

Running Water. Was the first one who taught me that Whiskey cured rattlesnake bites. Whiskey. Another one in nine a bottle. I could strangle that guy.

[C]

Whiskey.

[B]

And as a precaution I went in the jungle. Running Water. Always took a couple of barrels of whiskey. And I took a couple of rattlesnakes. When I was thirsty, I produced a rattlesnake and body beautiful bite. Drink the whiskey. I can see it now. Well, I got to go. My little scanty panties. I can't wait any longer.

[C]

I gotta go.

[B]

Got a word of advice before I go. Feed your babies on onions and you'll find them in the blackout. I'll see you all again next Friday. Friday. Friday. Thank you. And now I'd like to give you.

[A]

A slight impression of the most natural.

[B]

Comedian of all time. He's never used it mah perfume.

[A]

But how he smells.

[B]

Germany calling. Germany calling. Germany calling here. All the Reichs in the ambush station Bremen. The shockwave station Dja on the 31 meter band. The wall which was engineered by Mr. Churchill is becoming exceedingly difficult. People of Manchester, ask your local member of parliament. Where is Flatiron Market? You will probably be surprised to know.

[A]

That during the last night a fleet.

[B]

Of our mesh of smiths blew Flatiron Market into piccadilly.

[A]

Of the 26 planes that went over 28 batons safely. It has come to the notice of.

[B]

The Third Reich that in Great Britain today, owing to the shortage of brown paper boots are being made of leather. Here are the right center.

[A]

Hambush Station. Bremen Shotwave station.

[B]

Dja.

[A]

You have just heard our final news.

[B]

In English for tonight. Thank you very much for your attention. And now folks, here's that wizard of the organ, Feli Shawande.

[C]

Sam sa.

[B]

My secretary Dutty is going to sing a ditty and I hope it isn't dirty. Anyway, she's going to sing a very old song which is now popular in America. Oh Johnny, come on duty.

[C]

All the girls are crazy about a certain little land. Although he's very, very bad he could be also good when he wanted to Bad or good, he understood about love and other things. And every girl in town followed him around just to hold his hand and sing. Oh Johnny, oh Johnny, how you can love. Oh Johnny, oh Johnny, heavens above. You make my sad heart jump with joy. And when you're near I just can sit still a minute. I'm so old. Johnny, oh Johnny, please tell me dear, what makes me love you so? You're not handsome, it's true. But when I look at you I just. Oh Johnny, oh Johnny, oh my God. He's making eyes at me, ma. He's awful nice to me, Ma. He's simply driving me wild. I'm beside him, mercy, let his conscience guide him on. He wants to marry me. Be my honeybee. Ma is getting so excited. Got my hand and wants to bite it. Ma, he's kissing me. Oh Johnny, oh Johnny, how you can love me. Oh Johnny, oh Johnny, heavens above. You make my sad heart jump with joy. And when you're near, I just can sit still a minute. I'm so. Oh Johnny, oh Johnny, please tell me dear, what makes me love you so? When I sit on your knee. Oh, what you do to me. I just. Oh Johnny, oh Johnny, oh Johnny, oh Johnny, oh. And now, ladies and gentlemen, Fellowshawand is going to play you a medley of popular tunes.

[A]

Well, it's very nearly 9 o', clock, so may I say I hope you've had lots of fun listening to this show.

[B]

Pitch me out of the palace. Don't you start.

[A]

Oh, dear me, dear me. Here's that man again. Well, it's only right, I think. After all, it is Tommy Handler's show creation of a part of it now. So let's leave it to him to say good night to you all.

[B]

Well, hello folks. It's been very nice to be back on the air again and I hope you've enjoyed the show and it won't be long before we're back again. Bye bye.

[C]

Good night.

[A]

Thank you, Tommy, very much. And sir, with Fela Shawan Death, the organization, I'll say good night. Everybody from the Palace Manchester.

[B]

Hello, Forces. We present to you Top of the bill, number 13. This week's top of the Bill is Hermione Badly, star of the little reviews. John Pritchard accompanies her at the piano.

[C]

Hello, Forces. Now, this evening I'm starting with a song called Hotel Peace. I especially have been asked to do this for the boys. But our beloved Florence Desmond imitated me doing this the other day and did it so well that I hardly feel I must ever do it again. But anyway, here goes. Love walked right in and drove my shadows away. Love walked right in and brought my happiest day. Aggies. Aggies. Have you emptied Mrs. Brown's hot water bottle? Oh, that's a good girl. As many duress of the Talbot Arms, I try to keep the tune up With a smile that cheers and a voice that charms our visitors when they phone up. A very good class we cater for in tweeds and aquascuta that don't disgrace our antlers or our spirit Sporting prince or pewter My coiffure cannot fail to pass. My spray is picturesque, My nails are nice and I keep a glass of stout behind the desk. It's true our guests may sometimes fail to tip the under porter. Our chambermaids could tell a tale or two about hot water. We sometimes find a lady's comb in a bedroom that surprises but there to make a home from home it takes all sorts and sizes. It takes all sorts and sizes. There's number 37 who is given to complain and number 5 whose overcoat has lost its collar chain. 17 is quite a puzzle. I can't think what he's about. He keeps on going out and coming in and going out. Number 12 is so extremely hoity toity and select. He never says good morning which is not what I expect. And number 44 has forgotten to bring more from the top of his pajamas which creates a bad effect. Two is back from Egypt which is rather more my line. But you can have them all if you will give me number nine. The leather of his suitcase rarely gave me such a thrill that every time I see him I can somehow smell it. Still he's a dozen pairs of shoes and another pair of trees. You can always tell a gentleman by little things like these. He telephones to Ascot, he telephones to Cowes. It's for him I wear these lilies of the valley in my. Oh, Number nine. Yes, Number nine is all the rage with me. It gives me quite a flutter just to think I have his key and his voice, well, I sometimes mention to him just to hear him speak what simply gorgeous weather we experienced last week. He's got a place, a Dorking which I gather is divine and the extras he has had the baths, the billiards and the wine oh, I'm sure that this hotel would do very, very well if we had a few more clients of the class of Number nine. Aggie. Aggie. Get on with your work. Our lady guests are apt to be more fussy than the men what with rows and smells and ringing bells I'm sick of number 10 that wretched little dog of her should really be restrained she should keep it in a kennel if she cannot have it trained Number five is much less trouble But I must confess I hope next time she leaves the writing room she'll leave one envelope it's funny how the sphere and the tatter disappear when she goes away on Friday I quite tremble for the soap but to all these little troubles I must willingly resign for after all there's always yes, there's always Number nine He's always so obliging With a charming word to say I'll be quite the Madam Butterfly the day he goes away I bet he looks a treat when they take in his morning tea His a throne through with not a trace of sitee seed this morning when I said the weather really was a shame and he answered, yes, it was we somehow always think the same. Then he asked me was I busy and I answered one long buzz but working stops you thinking and he answers, yes, it does and then I look straight in his eyes and he looks straight in mine and I said, well, just for your sake, I do hope it turns out fine. Oh, I'm sure that this hotel would do very, very well if we had a few more clients of the class of number. And now a little sketch by AP Herbert. Hello? Hello, is that Paddington 0675? Is that you, Fred? I say, Fred, it's like this. I can't come out tonight. Fred. Hello? You see, Mrs. Mortimer's got a party on tonight, Fred. And Mabel's got the whooping cough. I told her you were sailing in the morning, but Mrs. Mortimer said. Hello? Oh, isn't that Fred Mullins? Oh, I'm very sorry, sir. I'm sure I thought she said you was. I say, what you think of that, Lord Barley, if you please. I better dial again. Here, miss. I've got the wrong number. I want Paddington 0675. And don't put me under Winston Churchill this time. I'm not dressed for it. I say, fancy pouring me heart out to a strange lord. I'm blushing all over. Hello? No, I will not put two pennies. And you've had my money and you know it. Hello? Hello, is Mr. Mullins there, please? Is that you, Fred? I say, Fred. I can't come out tonight, Fred. Yes, I know, Fred, but it's no good swearing. They'll only charge extra. Well, you see, Mrs. Mortimer's got a party on tonight, Fred, and she says she can't let me go because Mabel's got the whooping cough. I told her you were going to see in the morning, but she says she can't help that. Well, Fred, you see, she's in her right. You see, I had last night. No, no, it's no good, Fred. I can't leave her. Not with nobody. Still, I did want to see you, Fred. What time's to try and go, Fred? No, there's the washing up. I'd never do it, not by then. No, it's goodbye, Fred, and there's no getting away from it. Oh, yeah. Fred, you looking nice. You're wearing the scarf I knitted. You wanted scratches. Well, you'll have to get used to that, dear. Wish I could see you, Fred. What, Fred? Yes, Fred, of course I love you. Only I can't say much here. Hello, dear. I said of course I love you. What? What? Three more minutes. Of course I want three more minutes. What's your think? That girl, Fred? This time tomorrow you'll be on the briney, I suppose. Will you send me a wireless, Fred? Just three words. Like thinking of you. What? Elevenpence a word. Well, if I'm not worth elevenpence. Hello, dear. What? I'll say, Fred. Will there be any girls on the ship? I'll get out of that. Fred. Yeah? Do you know what Maud said this afternoon? She said she saw you at the pictures Friday with another girl. Well, I said it'd be your sister, Fred. But she said this girl had red hair. So I said your sister very often wore a wig on Fridays because that's her day out. But Maud said. Maud said it wasn't a wig. Who was she, Fred? Oh, no, I don't want to know, really. Well, I was only teasing. Only last night you did say I was the only one, didn't you? And I thought perhaps. Hello? Yes. Yes, I see, Fred. It's all right, Fred. It's a free country, isn't it? You've a perfect right to go to the pictures. No, no, Fred. I'm not crying, Fred. Not so she'd notice it. Hello, how long will you be gone, Fred? You don't know. You will take care of them foreign girls, won't you, Fred? They're an artful lot, I've always been told. Especially with sailors. Oh, well, I must be getting back, I suppose. I wish it was last night, Fred. You'll think of me sometimes, won't you, dear? Think of me washing up and thinking of you. And I'll think of you lashed to the mast and thinking of me. And then something's bound to happen. Well, goodbye, Fred. You haven't said you love me yet. I'll go on, dear. What's the matter with you? They won't charge anything. I don't believe you do, Fred. What about that ginger girl? Oh, all golden. I'm sorry, I'm sure. Oh, well, I beg a pardon. Well, Fred, I love you and I don't care who's listening. What do you do tonight before the train goes? Go to the pictures. Oh, well, I wouldn't do that, Fred. Not tonight. Well, I don't know. I wouldn't like to think of you sitting at the pictures while I'm washing up. I'd rather think you were moping somewhere all by yourself. Fred. Oh, dear. I did want to see you off. Oh, well, never mind. It'll all be over soon. And then you'll be back. And then we'll get married. Hello. You are going to marry me, aren't you, Fred? Hello, Fred. You are going to marry Aunt me, aren't you? I haven't got two pennies. Can't you wait a minute? I say, Fred, I've got no more coppers. You do love me, don't you, Fred? Hello? No, I haven't. And if you cut me off, young woman, I'll tear your eyes out. Fred. Fred, Are you there? Fred? Goodbye, Fred. You are going to marry me, aren't you, Fred? Aren't you, Fred?

[B]

Hello?

[C]

Oh, what's the game? You've cut me off. Fred, Are you there, Fred? Fred. Fred.

[B]

Oh, dear.

[C]

And now, just to cheer us up, a little song about the ladies army. Form fours, girls. Chests out, girls. What's the matter? Miss Carey, Please come. And then I've lost my lipstick. Well, I can't help that. I've lost my pipe. To Britain's call We one and all have hastened to enlist Both short and tall Both big and small all anxious to assist Girls from Vellum Girls from Streatham Girls from Boehm, Peckham, Rye Not a danger can upset em where are the girls to do or die? Where are the girls or whether girls or whether girls to do or die Girlettes, Girlettes. Out and around and about Girlettes, Girlettes. Turning the place inside out we follow each trail we pursue every track we don't give a fig for surprise or attack if we meet any cows we always turn back My good Girlettes. Girlettes. Girlettes. Rushing about everywhere Girlettes. Girlettes. Sporty and devil may scare you'll find us prepared now that we've got a war to do what our sisters in arms did before we'll show the men what we girls we made for we're good Girlettes, Girlettes, Girlettes. Ready for a new task Girlettes, Girlettes. Ready to do all you ask we're willing to fight and to die for the cause do we turn our hair in the face of death's jaws? No. We tighten our belts and we pull up our good girl act.

[A]

You've been listening to Top of The.

[B]

Bill, number 13, Hermione Baddeley.

[A]

The next Top of the Bill will.

[B]

Be Flanagan and Allen on Monday, May 27 at 6:45 SA.