Jack Benny 1938-10-30 Halloween Party

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio

Episode: Jack Benny 1938-10-30 Halloween Party

Date: October 22, 2025
Podcast Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Original Air Date: October 30, 1938

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Episode Overview

This episode presents a classic installment of The Jack Benny Program from October 30, 1938, featuring Jack's annual Halloween Party at his Beverly Hills home. The script overflows with Jack's trademark penny-pinching, wit, and slapstick mishaps as his usual gang—Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Don Wilson, Kenny Baker, and special guests—sparkle with snappy banter and Halloween mischief. The show is a festive snapshot of Golden Age radio comedy, capturing the chaos, camaraderie, and cleverly scripted mishaps of Jack Benny’s world.

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Main Discussion Points and Key Moments

1. Setting the Scene: Jack’s Halloween Party

• Jack prepares his house for a Halloween party, fussing over the food with his valet, Rochester.
  • Jack objects to thick sandwich slices, worried about expenses:

    “I'm no millionaire either. Now slice that roast beef a little thinner.” (03:01)

• Rochester jokes about the scarcity of food:

  “Just the same, I could make a lot of money bootlegging hot dogs.” (03:29)

• Mary arrives, announcing that local kids have been pranking Jack’s house and mocking his “Admission 25 cents” sign.

  Mary: “They tore your big sign down.” Jack: “What sign?” Mary: “You know, the one that says, Jack Benny's residence. Admission 25 cents.” (04:14–04:19)

2. Halloween Mischief and Character Comedy

• Discussion of Halloween pranks from the local kids, referencing previous year’s inky pool prank and Jack’s setup of a bear trap this year.
• Running jokes about Jack’s frugality, including limiting olives on each plate and stretching a single squab for dinner.

  Mary: “One squab for the whole gang. What are you going to do, wave it at us?” (07:26)

3. Colorful Cast: Rochester and September

• Rochester introduces his brother, September, leading to a series of wordplay gags about their unusual names:

  Jack: “September. That’s an unusual name. How did he get that?” Rochester: “Well, you see, boss, I was born in Rochester, and he was born in September.” (05:30–05:40)

• September shows hesitation about being trusted.

  Jack: “I suppose you’re honest. I mean, you can be trusted.”
  September: “Well, I don’t like to commit myself.” (06:11–06:24)

4. Guests Arrive: The Gang Assembles

• Kenny Baker, ever naive, arrives recounting a nonsensical prank he played on his own empty house.

  “You're the only guy in the world that would ring a doorbell to annoy someone in an empty house.” (08:32)

• Phil Harris arrives with a glamorous guest, Miss Whitney.
• Don Wilson rushes in, winded after soap-writing a Jell-O ad on a neighbor’s window.

  Don: “I had a bar of soap with me, so I sneaked up to the window and wrote on it. Jell O has six delicious flavors...” (17:46–17:57) Jack: “Did you get caught?”
  Don: “Yeah, a man came out and kicked me right between lemon and lime.” (18:01–18:07)

5. Supper Chaos and Banter

• Jack tries to preside over hors d’oeuvres distribution, but chaos erupts over who gets what.

  Jack: “Kenny, you'll just take the one with your name in front of it. Now, don't be a pig.” (19:54) Mary: “Gosh, this is worse than Russia.” (19:54)

• Guests bicker over deviled eggs and sardines, with Mary observing:

  “This is the first meal I ever saw with a referee.” (20:22)

6. Musical Interludes and Entertainment

• Kenny Baker sings “Change Partners,” receiving comic applause.

  Jack: “That song was simply wonderful. It was swell. Oh, did you really like it, Jack?” (13:04–13:12)

• Phil and Mary join a group singalong of “What Have You Got That Gets Me?” Each character offers a comically self-deprecating verse, including Don Wilson touting Jell-O flavors.

  Don: “It’s strawberry and raspberry, orange, lemon, lime, cherry... that’s what you got that pays me.” (26:24–26:32)

7. Party Disasters Escalate

• The dinner falls apart when the squab is accidentally fed to the cook:

  Rochester: “September had a little argument with the cook and threw the squad at him.”
  Jack: “He did?”
  Rochester: “Yeah, it hit him right in the mouth, which was open at the time.” (22:49–23:05)

• Jack sends Rochester out to buy frankfurters, only for him to call and ask for money.

  Rochester: “You forgot to give me money for the frankfurters.”
  Jack: “Well, you pay for them, Rochester, and I'll give it back to you later.”
  Rochester: “I ain't got no pants on.” (27:17–27:32)

8. Finale: Digging for Food & Takeaway Gags

• The hungry guests “find” a turkey in the icebox and plan to cook it, but Jack protests he’s saving it for Thanksgiving:

  Jack: "I'm saving that for Thanksgiving."
  Guest: "Well, let's tie him to a chair." (27:58–28:04)

• Mary closes with a classic wisecrack about Miss Whitney’s interest in Jack:

  Jack: "Mary, do you think she liked me?" Mary: "Oh, sure. How could she resist you, you big strong dope?" (29:41–29:48)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Jack’s Halloween stinginess:

  “You want to know something, Mary, we're going to have a squab for dinner.”
  “One squab for the whole gang. What are you going to do, wave it at us?” (07:22–07:28)

• Rochester on work and money:

  “There was more than [three dollars] stuck to his broom every day.” (06:37)
  “I'm afraid that punch is kind of weak, boss. ... If you ask me, it could stand a gin transfusion.” (13:28–13:31)

• Food fight chaos:

  “Let go of that egg now, let go.”
  Mary: “This is the first meal I ever saw with a referee.” (20:16–20:22)

• Brilliant meta-advertising:

  Don: “A man came out and kicked me right between lemon and lime.” (18:07)

• On serving dinner disasters:

  “The cook ate the squab. That's all we had. What are we going to eat now?” (23:10–23:13)

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Timeline of Important Segments

• [00:34] — Show introduction, Jell-O ad, and cozy Halloween setting established
• [02:47] — Jack and Rochester’s banter about sandwich slicing
• [04:01] — Mary arrives, recounts Halloween pranks and Jack’s stingy sign
• [05:19] — Introduction of Rochester’s brother, September, with running gags
• [08:01] — Kenny Baker’s goofy Halloween pranks
• [10:11] — Kenny sings “Change Partners”
• [13:22] — Preparation of punch and more servant shenanigans
• [14:56] — Phil Harris arrives, brings Miss Whitney
• [17:42] — Don Wilson bursts in with a Jell-O advertisement prank
• [19:54] — Scramble for hors d’oeuvres, Mary and Jack’s classic banter
• [22:44] — Dinner disaster: the squab accident
• [23:29] — Group entertainment: musical parody and roasting Jack
• [27:17] — Rochester’s frantic call for money and lost pants gag
• [27:54] — Discovery of the Thanksgiving turkey; comic mutiny
• [29:41] — Episode closes with Jack and Mary's playful exchange

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Final Thoughts

This episode is a quintessential Jack Benny romp, blending slapstick mishaps, running gags about frugality, and the crew’s perfectly timed barbs. The Halloween party setting is the perfect backdrop for legendary ensemble chemistry, rapid-fire comic exchanges, and musical numbers that double as comedic setpieces.

Recommended for:

• Fans of old-time radio, classic American comedy
• Those wanting a taste of Golden Age ensemble humor
• Anyone who appreciates sharp, character-driven banter

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“How could she resist you, you big strong dope?”
— Mary Livingston to Jack Benny (29:41)

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Transcript

[A]

Limu Emu and Doug.

[B]

Here we have the Limu Emu in.

[A]

Its natural habitat, helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual.

[B]

Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug.

[A]

Limu is that guy with the binoculars watching us. Cut the camera.

[B]

They see us.

[A]

Only pay for what you [e-mail] Liberty, Liberty. Liberty. Liberty Savings vary underwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company and affiliates. Excludes Massachusetts.

[B]

J E L L.

[C]

The Jello Program starring Jack Fenny. With Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Kenny Baker and yours truly, Don Wilson. The orchestra opens the program with Rainbow Round the Moon. This is the time of the year when it's fun to get the fireplace going, set up a card table and have Sunday night supper by the fire. And here's a simple, attractive menu. Toasted sandwiches with hot coffee and delicious Jell O salad. You can make your salad ahead of time and serve it when you're ready. And there are dozens to choose from. Shimmering lemon jello generously filled with diced chicken. Refreshing orange jello combined with crisp carrots and celery. A tempting green mold of lime jello with sliced canned pineapple inside. Whatever Jello salad you choose will be a hit with the family. For Jello combines perfectly with fruits or vegetables, chicken or seafood and gives you grand looking, grand tasting salads. Just be sure to get genuine Jell O when you buy for Jell O brings you that wonderful extra rich fruit flavor that can't be topped for salads or desserts. So look for the big red letters on the box. They spell Jello. That was Rainbow Round the Moon, played by Phil Harris in his orchestra. Now, ladies and gentlemen, tonight we take you to Jack Benny's new home in Beverly Hills where he's throwing a Halloween party for his whole gang. Take it away, Beverly.

[B]

I'm no million full of dream bottles is here, millionaires.

[A]

Hey, Rochester, will you hurry up with those sandwiches? They'll all be here in a minute.

[B]

Yes, sir. I'm no millionaire. And I'm not.

[A]

Now stop that crooning, will ya? You're no Bing Crosby, you know.

[B]

That's right. He's fairer than I am.

[A]

Yes, slightly. And look, Rochester, look how thick you're cutting those sandwiches. I'm no millionaire either. Now slice that roast beef a little thinner.

[B]

I'm using a razor now.

[A]

Well, sharpen it. Goodness, you think I was expecting a crowd of starving Armenians?

[B]

Well, I don't think you got enough to eat here, boss.

[A]

Rochester, there's plenty of food for everybody. Nobody's going to go hungry at my party tonight.

[B]

Just the same, I could make a lot of money bootlegging hot dogs.

[A]

Oh, you could? Now, Rochester, you know perfectly well that I always have. Give me that.

[B]

This is the only house in the neighborhood where the mice are picking in the pantry.

[A]

Now, that's just a lie on this morning using my rowing machine.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Oh, hello, Mary.

[D]

Hello, Jack. Happy Halloween.

[A]

Gee, I'm glad you got here early. You can help me get things ready.

[D]

Okay, but you better be careful, Jack. All the kids in the neighborhood are out tonight and they're raising the dickens.

[A]

Well, naturally, Mary. After all, it's Halloween, you know.

[D]

Yes, but you ought to see what they just did in front of your house. They tore your big sign down.

[A]

What sign?

[D]

You know, the one that says, Jack Benny's residence. Admission 25 cents.

[A]

Oh, darn. Those kids in this neighborhood. I'm going right out there and give them a good spanking. Did you see who they were?

[D]

Yes, it was Ronnie Coleman, Wally Berry, Bobby Taylor and the Barrymore brothers.

[A]

Oh, the Beverly Hills mob, eh? What a bunch of rowdies.

[D]

Remember last year when they put ink in your swimming pool?

[A]

Yeah, and all the time I thought the water was too cold. You remember, every time I took a swim, I turned blue.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Well, those kids better not go in the backyard this year. I set a bear draft for them.

[D]

A bear trap?

[A]

Yeah, that'll fix them. Say, Mary, open that jar of stuffed olives, will you? And put one on each plate so it'll look nice.

[D]

Just one on each plate?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

What are they stuffed with, Platinum?

[A]

All right, Chester.

[B]

What do you want, boy?

[A]

I thought you were gonna bring your brother over to help out tonight. Where is he?

[B]

He's September. September?

[A]

September. See, that's an unusual name. How did he get that?

[B]

Well, you see, boss, I was born in Rochester, and he was born in September.

[A]

Oh, I get it.

[B]

Of course, of course, that's only his middle name.

[A]

Oh, his middle name?

[B]

Yeah, he was born in the middle of September.

[A]

All right, now, never mind that. Get him out here. I want to talk to him.

[B]

Oh, September, come in. You call me brother? Yeah, the boss won't talk to you.

[A]

Now, September, I suppose you've had experience working at private parties, haven't you?

[B]

Well, I always had experience. All right. That boy's been around Rochester.

[A]

I'm talking to Septi. Now, listen, this is a rather delicate question, but I suppose you're honest. I mean, you can be trusted.

[B]

Well, I don't like to commit myself.

[A]

What?

[B]

Oh, he can be trusted, all right. He used to work in a bank.

[A]

Oh, in a bank, eh? Well, that's good enough for me. I'll give him $3 for helping me out tonight.

[B]

Only $3?

[A]

Well, I bet that's more than he got at the bank.

[B]

Why, man, there was more than that stuck to his broom every day.

[A]

Well, that's all I'm going to pay. Now get busy, both of you. How you coming along, Mary?

[D]

Fine, Jack.

[A]

And stop eating those olives. You'll spoil your dinner.

[D]

That's what I'm trying to do.

[A]

Oh, well, then think of me, some of my gang don't get an olive on their plate tonight, they'll go around saying I'm cheap. And another thing, Mary, don't put so much lettuce in that salad. What is this, a rabbit's convention?

[D]

Oh, for heaven's sake, Jack. An extra head of lettuce isn't gonna break you.

[A]

That's not the point. I like to see things dainty.

[D]

Is there any daintier? We'll have to use tweezers.

[A]

Now, you just wait. If you want to know something, Mary, we're going to have a squab for dinner.

[D]

One squab for the whole gang.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

What are you going to do, wave it at us?

[A]

Well, there'll be other things, won't there? Vegetables and fruit and dressing and what.

[D]

Are you going to have for dessert?

[A]

Popsicles. And they're delicious, too. Answer the door, Rochester.

[B]

You answered September. Are you closer than I am? No, I think you're closer. No, no, you is.

[A]

Well, we've got to open that door. Is there a surveyor in the house? Now one of you answer it. Never mind. I'm in now. Oh, hello, Kenny. Hello, Jack.

[B]

Whee.

[A]

How am I doing? Say, you're the regular Halloween kid, aren't you? I suppose you for not raising the dickens tonight, huh? Have I? And you know, when I left my house tonight, I stuck a pin in our front doorbell so it keep on ringing all the time. Oh, boy, you should have heard it. A pin in your own doorbell. I bet your mother and father were mad, huh? Nah, they're away for the weekend. Kenny, that's the silliest thing I've ever heard of. You're the only guy in the world that would ring a doorbell to annoy someone in an empty house. Well, that's nothing. When I go home tonight and open the door, a pail of water's gonna. It is? Yeah. Oh, boy, I can hardly wait. I can imagine the surprise. Kenny, put down that olive. You'll spoil your Dinner.

[D]

Oh, one little olive isn't gonna hurt him. Don't be so stingy.

[A]

It's not that, but everybody will want one. Besides, they look nice on the table. Say, Jack, I'd like to clean up a little bit before dinner. Can I go upstairs and wash my hands?

[D]

Yeah, but it'll cost you a nickel to get in the bathroom.

[A]

Now, Mary, you know better, so don't pass any of those smart remarks. Say, Kenny, when the gang comes here later, we want to have a regular party. You know, a lot of entertainment and fun. Will you sing a song for us? Sure will. And say, Jack, I got a pip, too. You want to hear it? We'll wait till the gang gets here. No, I want to do it now. I want to see if you like it. All right, go ahead. Say, Mary, peel those hard boiled eggs, will ya?

[D]

They're old enough to peel themselves.

[A]

Do as I say. Go ahead and sing, Kenny.

[B]

Hey, boss. Boss.

[A]

What is it, Rochester?

[B]

You know that bear trap you set out in the backyard for those kids?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, we just caught a bear in it.

[A]

A bear? Well, if there's an Italian on the other end of that chain. I worked with him in Vorteva. Let's go out and see. Sing Kenn.

[E]

The night is filled with music.

[B]

The.

[E]

Grass is filled with dew. And I'd be filled with a heavenly feeling if my arms were filled with you.

[D]

You.

[E]

Must you dance every dance.

[D]

With.

[E]

The same fortunate man. You have danced with him since the music began. Won't you change partners and dance with me? Must you dance quite so close with your lips touching his face? Can't you see I'm longing to be in his place? Want to change partners and dance with me? Ask him to sit this one out and while you're alone I'll tell the waiter to tell him he's watered on the telephone. You've been loved in his arms ever since heaven was.

[A]

When.

[E]

Won'T you change partners? And then you may never want to change partners again.

[A]

Hey, Kenny, that song was simply wonderful. It was swell. Oh, did you really like it, Jack? I sure did. But, say, I wonder where all that applause came.

[D]

There's a seal in the goldfish bowl.

[A]

Oh, a train bear in the backyard. And a seal in the goldfish bowl. This place looks like the NBA club. Hey, Rochester.

[B]

Yes, sir?

[A]

Where's that bowl of punch I made? I want it out here on the table so the guests can have a drink before dinner.

[B]

I'm afraid that punch is kind of weak, boss.

[A]

Weak?

[B]

Yes, sir. If you ask me, it could stand a gin transfusion.

[A]

Now, Rochester, nobody asked for your opinion. And incidentally, I thought I heard some dice rattling in the kitchen before. You can cut that out too.

[B]

Dice? I wasn't fooling with no dice.

[A]

Well, I thought I heard it. Now get back to work.

[B]

Yes, sir.

[A]

By the way, how's your brother doing in the kitchen?

[B]

Fine. He just won the gas stove from the cook.

[A]

Oh, he did, eh? Hey, September. September.

[B]

Is someone paging me?

[A]

Yes, I am. I don't want any crap shooting going on in this house. You're here to work and that's all. Remember that. There's the door. Rochester, there's the door.

[B]

September, you've got new shoes. Break them in.

[A]

I'll get one of you guys to answer that door if I have to tie a pork chop on it. Rochester, answer the door.

[B]

Doors. Doors. Doors. I'd like a job. Work in the tent sometime.

[A]

You will if you're not careful. Hey, Jack, I'm getting hungry. What am I gonna eat? Kenny, you'll eat when everybody gets here. And put down that goldfish. Well, I'm only petting it.

[D]

Tell them what you did with the other one, Kenny.

[A]

If you eat another goldfish, you'll get yours.

[B]

Well, well, look who's here. Hello, Mr. Harris.

[A]

Hi.

[C]

You.

[A]

Rochester. Well, Phil, I thought you'd never get here.

[C]

Come on in.

[A]

Barbara. Barbara. Oh, Jack, I hope you don't mind, I brought a girlfriend of mine along. Hey, I should say I don't. Hey, she's beautiful. Wow, Kenny. Come right in, miss. Help keep our community safe and healthy during National Prescription Drug take back day, October 25th. Find a collection site near [e-mail]. do your part to lower overdose deaths and prevent drug misuse before it starts. This is Ms. Whitney. Oh, how do you do, Ms. Whitney? Welcome to our happy little gathering.

[D]

Thank you, Mr. Benny. I'm so glad Phil invited me. I do hope it's not an imposition.

[A]

Oh, no, no. The more the merrier. It's always open house at the Chateau, Benny. Oh, by the way, Ms. Whitney, this is Kenny Baker.

[D]

Hello, Kenny.

[A]

Boy, I could go for you.

[C]

Thanks.

[A]

Don't mind Kenny. He's such an important, impulsive kid. And now, Ms. Whitney, I'd like you to meet Mary Livingston.

[D]

Hello, Mary. It's so nice meeting you, my dear. Oh, rally. Well, it's just too, too ultra, ain't it.

[A]

Mary?

[D]

Well, those sweet dames burn me up.

[A]

You little min. Say, and Phil, old man, I'm so glad you were able to make it tonight. You know, we're going to have a squab for dinner. I knew it wouldn't be two. Well, I didn't know you were going to bring a guest at that. We may have a little trouble carving it so that everybody gets a piece.

[D]

Why don't you send it to the Mayo brothers?

[A]

Oh, don't be so cute. You want to hear. You know the way you hear this gang talk. I'm so nervous. She's so beautiful, you know.

[C]

No, really.

[A]

You know, to hear this gang talk, Ms. Whitney, you'd think I was a regular old miser, wouldn't you?

[D]

Yes, I would.

[A]

Well, fellas, as soon as the rest of the gang get here, we'll put on the old feedback.

[B]

Mr. Benny.

[A]

What is it, Rochester?

[B]

A man just brought in a case of champagne. Did you order it?

[A]

A case of champagne? Certainly not.

[B]

I told him you wouldn't buy champagne if Sally Rand was behind every bu.

[A]

Well, anyway, I don't want it. Send it back.

[B]

Yes, sir.

[A]

If he didn't get so many laughs, I'd fire him. Good heavens, what's that? Oh, hello, Don. What's the big rush?

[C]

Oh, boy, I got here just in time. Hi, fellas.

[A]

Hi, Don. Hi, Don. You're all out of breath. What happened?

[C]

Well, I've been out celebrating Halloween. And you know that big white house.

[A]

Up on the hill?

[C]

Yeah. Well, I had a bar of soap with me, so I sneaked up to the window and I wrote on it. Jell O has six delicious flavors. Strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon and lime.

[A]

Why, Don, you little scallywag. Did you get caught?

[C]

Yeah, a man came out and kicked me right between lemon and lime.

[A]

Well, brush yourself off, Don, and join the party. Oh, by the way, I want you to meet a friend of Phil's. This is Ms. Whitney, Don Wilson.

[D]

How do you do, Mr. Wilson?

[C]

Well, I'm very glad to know you, Ms. Whitney. Are you familiar with Jello?

[A]

Don, please. You've just met the young lady.

[D]

That's all right. I have a weakness for jello myself.

[A]

Oh, is that your only weakness?

[B]

Ms. Whitney.

[A]

If I'm not too subtle.

[D]

You're about as subtle as a circus poster.

[A]

Mary, I'm talking to Ms. Whitney. But you know, Ms. Whitney, I've had a feeling all evening that I've seen you somewhere before. Are you by any chance in the movies?

[D]

No, I'm not.

[A]

Well, I am. In fact, I'm a star at Paramount. And then, of course, there's my radio work, too.

[D]

Tell her how much money you make and get it over with.

[A]

Mary. You know, Miss Whitney, there are times when Ms. Livingston just drives me frantic. But I suppose, well. Well, most women are like that. Don't you think so, Miss Whitney?

[D]

I mean, yes, but why don't you stand still?

[A]

Oh, that's just a habit of mine. Pretty girls always make me nervous.

[D]

If I was her, I'd yawn right in your face.

[A]

Mary, please, we have company. I'll say you have. What are we gonna eat? Yeah. Gee, I'm starving. Pretty soon, boys. Pretty soon. Hey, Rochester, how about dinner?

[B]

We'll be ready in a few minutes.

[A]

Okay. Come on, folks. No use waiting any longer. Let's start in with these hors d' oeuvres first. One at a time. For heaven's sake, what's the matter with you guys? I want two of those sardines. Kenny, you'll just take the one with your name in front of it. Now, don't be a pig.

[D]

Gosh, this is worse than Russia.

[A]

Now, Miss Whitney, don't be bashful. Take anything you want. Just help yourself.

[D]

I tried to, but you hit my hand with a fork.

[A]

Oh, was that you? I got all mixed up in this crowd. I'm so sorry. Hey, Phil, hand me that deviled egg. Oh, no, I saw it first. Oh, I want a piece too. No, get away. Everybody. Let go of that egg now. Let go.

[D]

This is the first meal I ever saw with a referee.

[A]

Well, you need one here. Now, everybody sit down at the table and stop acting like a pack of cannibals. Miss Whitney, you sit right here at my left.

[D]

Thank you.

[A]

And, Phil, you sit way down at the other end of the table. I could sit in Pomona and I wouldn't have to worry about you. That's all right. Rochester, we're ready. There's the door, Rochester, there's the door.

[B]

September. I wonder who that can be. Funny, I was thinking of the same thing.

[A]

Well, stop guessing and see who it is. You have no idea, Ms. Whitney, what I go through with these two boys. The servant problem is simply awful.

[D]

I know. I'm a chambermaid myself.

[A]

Oh, at the Biltmore. I thought I recognized you. I've seen you around there lots of times. Don't be a SAP, Jack. She doesn't work there. She's only kidding you. As if I didn't know. Say, she's not the type at all.

[D]

Just the same, I bet you can whip up a room in a hurry.

[A]

Now, don't be catty. Hey, look who's here.

[B]

Hi, you fellas. Happy Halloween. Hey, so you.

[A]

You finally got here. Andy, what happened to your ma and pa? I thought you were bringing them along.

[B]

Well, you know, it's Halloween, Buck, and they're going out to a costume.

[A]

A costume party, eh?

[B]

Yeah. Ma's going as Marie Antoinette and Pa's taking an axe.

[A]

Well, that ought to be a lot of fun. It's too bad you had to miss it, Andy.

[B]

Sure was, Buck. I was all set to go as a geranium.

[A]

As a geranium?

[B]

Yeah, but I look lousy in a flower pot.

[A]

Well, you'll have a lot more fun right here. Say, Andy, I want you to meet a guest. Ms. Whitney.

[D]

Hello, Andy.

[B]

Hiya, Babs. What are you doing here?

[A]

Why, Andy, do you two know each other?

[B]

Oh, sure. We used to go to high school together. Hey, Babs, will you ever forget the time I kissed you?

[D]

I certainly will.

[A]

Well, Andy, you might as well sit down. We're about ready to eat.

[B]

Mr. Benny, I'm sorry, but there's going to be a slight delay.

[A]

What's the matter now, Rochester?

[B]

Well, September had a little argument with the cook and threw the squad at him.

[A]

He did?

[B]

Yeah, it hit him right in the mouth, which was open at the time.

[A]

Oh, my goodness.

[B]

Shall I serve the dressing?

[A]

The cook ate the squab. That's all we had. What are we going to eat now?

[B]

Well, there's that bear outside. Do you like venison?

[A]

Never mind that now. Rochester, run right down to the store and get some frankfurters. And hurry.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Gee, I'm awfully sorry, fellas.

[C]

That's all right, Jack.

[A]

We. Gee, Ms. Whitney, I hope the next time you come here everything won't go wrong.

[D]

Oh, that's all right. I think this is quite jolly. Really, it's fun. That's a lie if I ever heard one.

[A]

It is not. Now, look, fellas, while we're waiting, how about having a little entertainment? Who plays the piano? I do.

[C]

All right.

[A]

How about a song, Phil?

[C]

Come on.

[A]

Come on, Phil, sing something, huh? All right, but I don't do so well on an empty stomach. Oh, don't worry. We'll eat later. Come on, Phil. What'll it be? Well, how about. What have you got that gets me? Okay, hit it, Tony. Let's have some fun tonight, boys. You know. Hey, let's not. You haven't got that certain glance you don't romance and when we dance, you only dance. But what have you got that gets me? Can't you hear me calling when it raining in? You haven't got that tiny nose, her fancy clothes, her lips like petals on A rose. But what have you got that gets me? You tease me, you taunt me, you let me sigh. I want you to want me. But why you haven't got a coat of tan. A rich old man. You just play cards on your divan. But what have you got that give me.

[E]

Hey, that was one.

[A]

Get in there, Buck. Say, that was. That was swell, Phil. Say, Andy, how about you singing a chorus?

[B]

Oh, not me, Buck. I'm a little hoarse tonight.

[A]

Oh, well, I'm glad you told her, Andy.

[C]

Sing it.

[E]

Well, all right, all right.

[B]

I'll do it if Mary sings with me.

[A]

Sure. How about it, Mary?

[D]

I'm so weak now. I'll do anything.

[C]

How'd it go, Mary?

[A]

Get ready. Well, I hit it, Kenny.

[D]

You haven't got that certain glance. You don't romance. And when we dance, you only dance. But what have you got that gets me?

[E]

Here's what I got.

[B]

A cow, a goat, a gravel throat. My voice sounds like an old coyote.

[E]

That's what I got that gets you.

[D]

You're happy, you're slappy. But I love you.

[E]

I'm don Juan and Romeo 2.

[D]

You haven't got a grand physique, your chin is weak.

[A]

But I got what they call technique. That's what I got that gets you. Wait a minute now. Wait a minute, fellas.

[D]

Wait.

[A]

Hey, wait a minute, Don. Hey, Don, Don, how about you and I singing a chorus? Okay, Jackson, come on. Get a headed fellas. I can follow, Andy. You haven't got a form divine. You're not streamlined. Your hips would make 14 of mine. But what have you got that gets me?

[C]

Here's what I got. It's strawberry and raspberry, orange, lemon, lime, cherry.

[A]

That's what you got that pays me.

[D]

Yeah, man, you're sweet, Jack. You're neat, Jack, but oh, so tight.

[A]

It looks like we'll all starve tonight. Right? I haven't got a squab. That's true for you or you.

[C]

For a guy like you, that's nothing new.

[E]

So what have you got that can be.

[A]

That was all right. But gee, you guys didn't have to insult me in that. Insult you? You invite us here for dinner tonight and we don't get anything deed. Well, it's not my fault. Accidents can happen, you know. Anyway, Rochester will be right back here with the frankfurters. Excuse me a minute. Hello?

[B]

Say, Mr. Benny, I'm over here at the Delta Intestine store. You forgot to give me money for the frankfurters.

[A]

Well, you pay for them, Rochester, and I'll give it back to you later.

[B]

Well, I don't know about that, boss.

[A]

Now, Rochester, pay for that out of your own pocket.

[B]

I ain't got no pants on.

[A]

That's a lie. You had pants on when you left the house.

[B]

They could have worn out. You know that's ridiculous.

[A]

If you're not back here in five minutes with those frankfurters, I'll. I'll move you out of the guest room. Now hurry up. Well, looks like we might have to. Hey, fellas. Hey, where are you?

[B]

Hey, fellas, we're out here in the kitchen.

[A]

You ought to see what we found in the ice box.

[B]

I'll buy a turkey.

[D]

Come on, let's cook it.

[B]

Cook it.

[A]

Nothing. Give me a drumstick. Now, wait a minute, fellas. Wait a minute. I'm saving that for Thanksgiving.

[B]

Well, let's tie him to a chair.

[A]

Fellas, we got.

[E]

Wait a minute.

[A]

Now cut it off. Now stop.

[C]

Here's a brand new dessert the whole family will enjoy. And it's so easy, so inexpensive, so good to look at that you'll enjoy making it. It's the new Jello butterscotch pudding, a real triumph in desserts. Just picture it for yourself. Crystal sherbet glasses, each piled high with this rich looking taffy colored butterscotch pudding. It's luscious with good old fashioned butterscotch flavor. It's mellow and smooth and creamy. It's swell dessert. And butterscotch is just one of three new Jell o puddings. There's Jell o vanilla pudding, a lovely creamy color with a delicate flavor of real vanilla. A grand all family dessert. And there's Jell o chocolate pudding, as delicious as the kind that mother used to make. But far quicker and easier. For these tempting new Jello puddings require only a few moments cooking. There's no fuss or bother and the simple directions are on every package and you can't go wrong. So try them all and try them soon. The best way to get acquainted is to buy three packages at a time. Ask your grocer tomorrow for Jello, butterscotch, vanilla and chocolate pudding.

[A]

This is the last number of the fifth program in the new Jello series and will be with you again next Sunday night at the same time. Gee, that. That Ms. Whitney was beautiful and so charming too. Do you, Mary? Mary, do you think she liked me?

[D]

Oh, sure. How could she resist you, you big strong dope?

[A]

Good night.

[C]

F.

[A]

J e l l 4.

[C]

Kenny Baker appears on the Jello program through courtesy of Mervyn Leroy Productions. This is the National Broadcasting Company.