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Harold's Old Time Radio
Jack Benny 1944-12-03 Jack Gets Mad and Goes Home
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Jack Benny 1944-12-03 Jack Gets Mad and Goes Home
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Jack Benny
Packages by Expedia. You were made to be rechargeable. We were made to package flights, hotels and hammocks for less Expedia. Made to travel. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. Lsmft LS mft lsmft? You said it. Why, sure. Yes, sir. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Always. Those words will mean much to you, for, of course, quality is always your first concern. Today, as always, Lucky Strike selects and buys the finer, the lighter, the naturally milder. Lucky Strike tobaccos. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. The Lucky Strike Program, starring Jack Benny. With Mary Livingston, Phil Harris Rochester, Larry Stevens and yours truly, Don Wil. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you a man whose name for years has been the epitome of show business. A man who went from Waukegan to vaudeville, from vaudeville to radio, from Broadway to pictures. From pictures to Broadway. And now, since he has no place else to go, would you please let him come into your home for just a half hour? Thank you. And here he is, Jack Benny. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Hello again. This is Jack Benny talking. And, kid, you're absolutely right. I have been in show business a long time. Why, when I was playing the Palace Theater in New York, Nelson Eddy didn't even have the recipe for shortening bread. In fact, when I first started in show business, Charlie McCarthy was taking his physical to get into Sequoia. Why, I was in front of an audience. Hey, wait a minute, Jackson. Don't overdo it. If you want to know something, I was in show business before you was what? I was in front of an audience when I was two days old. Two days old? Bill, that's ridiculous. Certainly. What could you do when you were two days old? I don't know, but people kept paying admission to see me. Oh, Bill, stop making up such nonsense. Bill, I ain't making nothing up. I was a ninky baby baiter. You were what? Oh, I mean, I was an incubator baby. Yes, sir, that was me. Two and a half pounds of solid personality. Oh, sure, sure. I've often wondered about those incubators. Must have been nice and warm in a glass case with a little gas light burning underneath. Nah. First I was hot, then I was cold, then I was hot, then I was cold. Well, I'm a sucker for asking this, but why were you hot and cold and hot and cold? His father kept blowing out the flame and his mother kept lighting. Mary, don't be ridiculous. That's exactly what happened. Phil, you admit that your father kept blowing out the flame and your mother kept lighting it. Yes, and it was a lucky thing I could reach up to that little glass door. Why, who do you think kept handing my mother the matches? Now wait a minute, Phil, you are two days old in an incubator. Where in the world did you get the matches? The day I was born. What? When the doctor grabbed me by the feet and held me up, I stole him out of his vest pocket. Oh, and he must have seen me do it because he gave me an awful whack. Oh, for heaven's sake, Phil, you were just born. How can you remember what happened then? I wrote it in my diary. Well, that's the payoff. Phil, you can't even write now. How could you write when you were two days old? Maybe he dictated it. Yeah, that's exactly what happened. Terry, did you ever hear such silly talks? Phil was just born and already he was dictating. I'll bet 8 to 5 he had the stenographer on his lap. Hey, Phil, that's exactly what happened. Then you don't have to invent a fantastic story just to make it sound like you've been in show business longer than I have. Maybe he was, Jack. Ah, that's impossible. I was in show business before anybody. Why, I was on the stage before. Before Monty Woolley had a beard. Before Monty Woolley had a beard? Yes. Why, when I was a big hit at the Palace, Woolly was still standing in front of a mirror, rubbing his chin and singing. Come out, come out, wherever you are. I'm telling you, kids, I've been in show business longer than anybody. Oh, yeah? How about see Aubrey Smith? You mean little Aubrey? Why, he was only a kid when I was starting out and. Come in. Mr. Benny? Yes. I'm from Esquire magazine. We printed a story about you and have all the information in our files except one thing. What would you like to know? Your age, please. 36, but. Well, okay, now. Now, where were we? Well, you were informing us that you were a thespian in the legitimate drama prior to the inauguration of the cinema bill. Does that come out of you? Yes, and boy, am I glad to get rid of it. Well, I don't blame you. Now let's forget show business and find out. Hello, Mr. Benny. Oh, hello, Larry. Say, you got here just in time for your song. What are you going to sing? Well, I got a letter from a friend of mine in the Navy requesting me to sing. I'm making believe a friend of yours in the Navy. Who is he? Dennis Day. Oh, Dennis. A letter from Dennis. Would you like to read it, Ms. Livingston? Why, Larry, I don't think I should read your mail. Oh, that's all right. There's nothing about girls in it. Go ahead, read it, Larry. Yeah, and we haven't heard from Dennis in weeks. What's it got to say? Well, here it is. Dear Larry, I heard you sing on the last four broadcasts, and I think you have a swell voice. Well, isn't that nice? I also heard that you're making $22.50 a week, which is a very good salary to start with. Yes, sir. Mr. Benny will give you a raise almost every year. But it will help to have your mother come down and remind him. Especially if she's as big as my mother. However, Larry, when you. What are you laughing at? When you reach $35 a week, there's no use reminding Mr. Benny anymore. Because nobody's mother can help you then. Dennis always was a card, wasn't he? Yeah. Best wish, as always, Dennis Day. P.S. by the way, Larry, I'd appreciate it very much if on next Sunday's broadcast you'd sing I'm Making Believe. That's the part I told you about. Yes, yes, I know. Go right ahead and sing it for him, kid. I wonder why Dennis never requests me to play my violin. I can't understand. I'm making peace believe that you're in my arms Though I know you're so far away Making believe I'm talking to you Wish you could hear what I say and here in the gloom of my lo where dancing as we used to do Making believe Is just another way of dreaming so till my dreams come true I'll whisper good night Turn off the light and kiss my pillow Making believe it's you we're dancing as we used to do Making believe Is just another way of dreaming so do my dreams come true I'll whisper good night Turn up the light and kiss my pillow Making believe it's you yes, sir. That was I'm Making Believe sung by Larry Stevens. And, Larry, that was 12. Keep it up, kid. And some of these days, you too will be making $35 a week, just like Dennis Day did. Gee, If Dennis made $35 a week for a whole year, he must have saved a lot of money. Well, he should have, Larry. But you see, Dennis was somewhat of a spin threat, and he threw most of his salary away on Luxuries like. Like. Like bread and butter, Mary. You know what I mean. Dennis could have saved a lot of money if he didn't have that root beer float habit. Anyway, Larry, come in. Yes, Mr. Benny. I. I'd like to try it again. Again? I'm from Esquire magazine. We printed a story about you and have all the information in our files except one thing. Well, what would you like to know? Your age, please. I told you, I'm 36. Look, Mr. Benny, this information isn't going to be printed. It's only for our private files. I don't care what it is for. I'm 36. But. Well, okay. What a persistent guy. I mean, why doesn't he believe that I'm 36? Maybe he was at breakfast at Sardis the day you won the orchid. No, if he'd have been there, I'd have seen. Now, as I. As I was saying. Larry. Yes, Mr. Benny. Larry, as the years go by, you'll have your ups and downs. Sometimes it'll be easy, other times it'll be hard. But no matter what happens, just remember those immortal words of John Paul Jones, don't give up the ship. And now, ladies and gentlemen. Jack, I'm not even going to argue with you today. Well, Don, I'm glad you finally see it my way. And now, ladies and gentlemen, I don't see it your way at all. It was Captain James Lawrence who said, don't give up the ship. But I just don't want to argue about it. Well, neither do I, but it was John Paul Jones. For your information, Don, Captain James Lawrence said, go west, young man. Go west. So there. What are you talking about? It was Horace Greeley who said that. Horace Greeley? Yes, Phil. How could he say at Horace Greeley? The statue in Westlake Park? Well, I'm better off if you're on. Don't sign. Now, Larry, you forget everything that was said and listen to me. Yes, Mr. Benny. As I told you before, even though you may have your ups and downs, always remember those immortal words of John Paul Jones, don't go west in a ship. I mean, don't. Don't give up the west. I mean the ship. Don't give up the ship. Which was said by Captain James Lawrence. Now, Don Wilson, if you say that once more, there's going to be trouble. It was Captain James Lawrence. Well, you asked for it. Hold my coat. Mary, what are you going to do? I'm going to put it on. I'm going. If Don Wilson knows so much Let him run the program himself. Goodbye, Jack. Jack, come back. I'm going home. And that settled. It's a good thing I held myself back when I did. If I'd hit Wilson, I'd have knocked him cold. Well, if he does outweigh me, I can handle myself in a fight. They don't call me Old Blood and Guts Benny for nothing. I know when I'm right, and when I'm right, I fight. Say, that sounds like a good motto. I know when I'm right, and when I'm right, I fight. Gee, I wonder if that'll ever become as famous as. Don't give up the shit. It could, you know. Imagine, years from now, people might be saying, remember those immortal words of Jack Benny, I know when I'm right, and when I'm right, I fight. Say. Say, that's pretty good. Da da da da da da da da da da da dum da da da da. See, it's a nice day, but Sunday is always nice. People are all dressed up and coming home from. Hello, Reverend. Hello, Mr. Benny. Yep, Sunday's the nicest day in the week. So calm and peaceful and. Good afternoon, Father. Oh, pardon me. Hello, Bing. Maybe I should have asked him if he was going my way. I like him. You know I do. Hello, Rochester. Oh, hello, boss. Say, you're home early. I know. I left before the program was over. Well, I always thought as long as there was one person left in the audience, you'd stay right on out there. That's silly. Whatever gave you that idea? Remember in St. Louis when that man in the front row was swatting flyers and you thought he was applauding? Well, what about it? If they hadn't dragged you off the stage, you'd have. You only get 18 summers with your kids before they're off making memories with families of their own. That's barely enough time to figure out who screams louder on a roller coaster. So this year, make every summer count at Silverwood theme park. Watch your little ones conquer the coasters. Giggle their way down the slides at Boulder beach and devour powdered sugar funnel cakes like they're racing against the clock. Save up to $10 off tickets when you purchase online. Make every summer count at Silverwood. Started there. What are you talking about? I was going off anyway, even if they hadn't started the picture. But, boss, I can't get over you leaving in the middle of your program. Isn't that taking an awful chance? What do you mean, chance? Well, if LSMFT finds out you were awl, you'll be glad you saved all those boxes of J E L L O. Well, I'm not gonna worry about it now. I'll just sit down and be comfortable. Ah, that feels good. Pull off my shoes, will you, Rochester? Sure, boss. There. Now give me the other foot. Wiggle your toes, boss. There's a dime, missy. I know. I went to a movie. Now, now, I wish you'd go out and fix me something. Will you? I feel like I need something to pep me up. Okay, I know just the thing. I'll fix you a super zombie. A super zombie? What's it made of? I can't tell you the recipe. It's a military secret. A military secret? Yeah, that's the stuff they use in flamethrowers. Oh, well, I don't want anything like that. Let's stick me some tea in toast, that's all. I'll answer the door. Yes? I'm from Esquire magazine. We printed a story. I know, I know. Well, look, Mr. Benny, now that you're in the privacy of your own home and away from those microphones, tell me, just how old are you? I told you, I'm 36. Look, Mr. Benny, I've got a job to do and I've got to go back to my editor with the facts. The facts? Well, I'm trying. When I show him this, he'll never believe me. I'll be the laughingstock in the office. I don't care about myself, but I've got a wife and two children. Now, look, Bud, I'm trying to tell you the truth. Kick me, beat me, but tell me the truth. Think of my wife and kids. Tell me the truth. That's all I want. The truth. The truth. Mr. Benny, how old are you? Well, if it'll save your job, I'll tell you the truth. I'm 37. 37? Yes. Well, I'll try it. I'll try it. That's all I can do. That's all I can do. Maybe they'll believe me. I hope not. What an emotional young man. Isn't it emotional? Boss, I've got your tea and toast in here. I'm coming, Rochester. And turn on the radio. I might as well have a little music while I'm eating. Do you want me to do a fan dance? No. Yes. The music will be enough. Turn it on, will you, Rochester? Sad. I would. I wish Phil Harris could have heard that. See what else is on the radio, will you, Rochester? Okay. Will Harold live? Will Hilda come back to her husband? Will the lost baby be Found? Will the bank discover that George has absconded with the money? Will the doctor arrive in time to save Mildred's life? Will Mervyn commit suicide because Cynthia has jilted him? Tune in again tomorrow to hear another cheerful chapter of Happiness House. I didn't know that. I didn't know that Cynthia jilted Mervyn. You missed yesterday's cheerful chapter, boss. Oh, yes. Darn it. Give me something else. Roger. Sir. Okay. Well, here we are, ladies and gentlemen, in the last minute of playing the big game between the University of California at Los Angeles and the Louisiana State men's fraternity team. Louisiana State men's fraternity team. And right now, the score is 12 for UCLA and 19 for LSMFT. Oh. Oh, damn. Damn. I wish all you folks could be out here this afternoon. What a crowd. You should see the stadium. It's so round, so firm, so fully packed. Boy, that place must be jammed. And now, let's hear from the cheering section. Ls MMP LS MMP Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Lucky Strikes me Fine tobacco. Fine. Fine, Fine. Yes, sir, it is really. They must be playing in Goldsboro, North Carolina. And there goes the gun ending the game. Well, LSMFT won again. Get another station, Rochester. Yes, sir. Good evening, Mr. Mrs. America. This is Walter Winchell doing a special broadcast for the Six Warlows. Hey, listen, Rochester. That's Walter Winchell. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is the sixth time we are having a war bond drive. But the war is an expensive proposition. There is no way to economize. There are no bargain facilities in war. No cut rate sales. Everything must be paid for in cash and in blood. And you are only asked to put up the cash. I know you bought bonds during the other drives, but so did everyone else. Your bond is just as important as your neighbor's. There are no slackers on a battlefield. So let's have none here. Remember, do your share. This is no time to pass the buck. Unless you pass it across the counter for a war bus. Gee, Rochester, isn't he sensational? He sure is, boss. Yes, sir. And now for some news of the time will allow. New Delhi, India. Admiral Mountbatten has exceeded all expectations in the Battle of Burma. He has captured a 100 mile stretch of railroad north of Mandalay. His commandos are striking south of the Irrawaddy. Gosh, that guy Winchell knows everything. And here's one from the Far East. The B29s are changing the name of Tokyo harbor to Bomb Bay. What a sense of humor. Hollywood, California. Ladies and gentlemen, the whole movie town is talking about a certain radio comedian who lives in Beverly Hills who torches the violin and is tighter than Dorothy Lamour's Saron. This fugitive from the cornfield who wears a size 44 girdle is making a complete and utter fool of himself by insisting that it was John Paul Jones who said, don't give up the ship. What? Because of radio censorship and the laws of libel, I am not allowed to mention the name of this war. Keegan Witt, who is making such a dope of himself. But his initials are JB Processor. Did you hear what I heard? Did Winchell insinuate that I'm a jerk? That's what he said. That's what the man said he said. Oh, he did, huh? Although he has been corrected it dozens of times. Ladies and gentlemen, this blue eyed boob will not admit that it was Captain James Lawrence who said those famous words. Rochester, turn that off. Out of my way, Rochester. I'm going to see that guy Winchell right now. Hand me my hat, coat and cane. My heavy cane. Well, Rose, that finishes my special box. Yes, Mr. Winchell. And you still have about an hour and a half before your regular Jergens broadcast. Yeah, Look, I'm going over the script again. You run out and get yourself a cup of coffee. Where is he? Where is that? Oh, there you are, Winchell. Why, Jack. Jack Benny, it's good to see you. Don't give me that good to see you stuff. What is all that you said about me and John Paul Jones? And don't give up the shit. Now wait a minute, Jack. Just a minute. All I say that a certain Walkegan wit who is stingy, torches the violin and wears a size 44 girdle is making a jerk out of himself in the initials of J.B. well, what makes you think I was talking about you? Well, for one thing, the initials J.B. but, Jack, I might have been talking about Joan Bennett. Joan Bennett doesn't wear a side 44 GERT. To think that you would do this to me, Walter, after all I've done for you. What did you ever do for me? Plenty. But not anymore. Yesterday was positively the last time I'll ever wash my toupee in Jergens. And another thing. Would you. Now, Jack, that's no attitude today. Suppose I did mean you. I wouldn't have mentioned it if I didn't know the facts. Oh, so now you know everything. Who do you think you are? Louella Parsons? I know my rights, brother. Oh, Jack, calm Down a little. Aren't you getting a little too excited about this? No, I'm not. Because I believe in those famous immortal words. I know when I'm right, and when I'm right, I fight. Who said that, Jack? Benny, why don't you read your history? That's who said it. All right, Benny. I try to be patient with you, but now I can get tough too. Just who do you think you are, trying to change history by saying John Paul Jones said, don't give up the shift, when any schoolboy knows it was Captain James Lawrence. Oh, yeah? Well, let me tell you something, Winchell. You're not gonna. Pardon me, Jack certainly wanna. Yeah? Winchell speaking. What? Your wife had a baby this morning. But how could she? You promised me it wouldn't happen until next week's program. Oh, never mind. It's too late to apologize now. Now, getting back to you, Benny. Everybody on your program knows that you're wrong about John Paul Jones. But because you're the boss, you bully them and shove them around and make them take orders from you. Well, you can't do that to me. Oh, yeah? Well, let me tell you something, Woodchill. You're not gonna. Pardon me, Jack. Certainly, Walter. Yeah? Winchell speaking. Yes. Hmm. Yes. But, Elliot, I told you, you can't keep a secret all week long. Oh, all right. Congratulations. Now, getting back to you, Benny. Why don't you admit it like a good sport instead of acting like an arrogant boo? It's guys like you with big mouths and little brains who think they know it all. Oh, yeah? Well, let me tell you something, Winchell. You're not going to stand there and. Wait a minute. How come that telephone never interrupts you? Now, listen. If it was anything but the famous saying in Navy history, I might admit you're right. But I know Navy history. I was a sailor in the last war. Well, so was I. I was a sailor in the last war, too. And let me ask you something. Do you know anything about Captain James Lawrence? Well, I. That's what I thought. Now, shut up and let me tell you something about him. James Lawrence was born in Burlington, New Jersey, on October 1, 1781. He entered the Navy at the age of 17 and rose to the rank of lieutenant four years later. He fought on the Enterprise. In 1804, during our war with Tripoli, we. We had a war with Tripoli. Stephen Decatur selected Lawrence as his first lieutenant. He commanded such ships as the August, the Vixen and the wasp. In 1813, commanding the hoard, he distinguished himself by capturing the enemy ship, the Peacock. I know, but the as a result was in there and received a gold medal from Congress on June 1st. I know, but what about Paul. John Paul Jones? Lawrence, commanding the Chesapeake, sailed to meet the enemy ship, the Shannon, about 30 miles away from. Well, John Paul Jones was in Boston. The enemy crew was better pleased. But that doesn't stop the courageous and the confident Captain Lawrence. Well, John Paul Jones, you know, the Chesapeake lay helpless with Captain Lawrence. What was Lawrence doing? Just. I mean, as his men carried him below, he beseeched them to keep on fighting by saying, don't give up the ship. Well, all right. Later, the same war cry was used by Captain Perry, I don't care what. But it was Captain James Lark who said it first. I know, but I don't care. Independent tobacco experts, auctioneers, buyers and warehousemen present at the auctions now open in the south can see Lucky Strike consistently select and buy the finer, the lighter, the naturally milder Lucky Strike. And this fine Lucky Strike tobacco means real deep down smoking enjoyment for you. So smoke that. Smoke a fine tobacco. Lucky Strike, the famous tobacco auctioneers heard on tonight's programmer, Mr. Fe Boone of Lexington, Kentucky. Speedriggs of Goldsboro, North Carolina, Basil Risdale, speaking for the makers of Lucky Strike LM LS mft. LS mft. LS mft. Yes. Lucky Strike Broadcasting Company, kfi, Los Angeles.