Jack Benny 1946-12-22- Christmas Party At Birmingham General Hospital

Summary

Harold's Old Time Radio – Jack Benny 1946-12-22: Christmas Party At Birmingham General Hospital

Episode Overview

This episode of "Harold’s Old Time Radio" brings listeners back to the Golden Age of Radio with a classic Jack Benny Christmas special from December 22, 1946. Designed to boost morale for US troops via the Armed Forces Radio Service, the show blends playful comedy, rapid-fire dialogue, delightful character interplay, and heartfelt holiday wishes. The main setting is a pseudo-rehearsal and a simulated Christmas party atmosphere among Jack Benny, his regular cast, and a few special guests, capturing the warmth and wit that made the era’s radio programs so beloved.

---

Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Opening Holiday Greetings & Classic Benny Humor

• [00:34] Jack Benny warmly greets listeners, extending personal Christmas and New Year wishes to all through the Armed Forces Radio Service.

• He jokes about the impossibility of sending everyone a gift or card, highlighting his trademark self-deprecating style.

  "Christmas means gifts. I couldn't send packages to all of you, could I? Well, could I?"
  — Jack Benny, 00:39

2. Comedic Violin Lesson with Professor LeBlanc

• [01:27–05:19] Jack fumbles through violin practice under the critical eye of Professor LeBlanc, whose exaggerated French exasperation and witty put-downs showcase the show’s slapstick spirit.

  "You have already broken its heart. Have pity on its soul."
  — Professor LeBlanc, 02:17

  "Michelle Benny, the violin has only four strings. Your left hand has only five fingers. How can just in nine of you make so many mistakes?"
  — Professor LeBlanc, 03:28

  The routine crescendos with an exasperated Professor LeBlanc desperately seeking payment, Benny stalling by offering lunch instead of cash.

3. Arrival of Friends & Banter About the Seaside Café

• [05:33–07:55] Don Wilson, Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, and Dennis Day arrive at Jack's house, each greeted with signature wisecracks.

• Mary and Jack joke about waiting in “lines,” and the infamous “Seaside Café” by Jack’s pool is revealed as another cost-saving scheme.

  "Imagine putting stools around your swimming pool and calling it the Seaside Café."
  — Mary Livingston, 06:45

• Dennis Day’s story about his mother slipping on waxed kitchen floors provides a typical Benny show family gag.

4. Beach Plans and Classic Jack Benny Beach Story

• [08:54–09:54] The friends invite Jack to the beach, but Jack is loath to go after last year’s “burial” incident.

  "Jack was lying on the sand and two men came over and tried to bury him... Not when they were playing organ music at the same time."
  — Mary Livingston, 09:06

• The group teases Jack about his insistence on practicing violin for a "concert tour."

5. Musical Breaks

• [10:15–12:45] Dennis Day and later Larry Stevens perform sentimental holiday songs, with Jack using these interludes as natural comedic transitions.
• Notable Song: “I Shall Be Loving You Through All Eternity” by Dennis Day.

6. Behind-the-Scenes Antics: Long Distance Call Skit

• [13:02–14:49] Rochester tells Jack about a long-distance call from New York. The ensuing operator relay is a masterclass in Benny-style looping banter and supporting character routines.

  "Say, Mabel, Mr. Benny’s dressing room is flashing. I wonder what Stella Dallas wants now."
  — Operator (Mary Livingston as Mabel), 13:13

7. Benny and Rochester’s Car Trouble

• [17:45–21:12] The show flashes back to Jack and Rochester dealing with a flat tire. Their comedic back and forth centers on Jack’s incompetence with car repairs and tightfistedness, ending with classic punchlines about the decrepit state of Jack’s car.

  "That tire hasn’t got so many holes in it." — Jack Benny, 18:57

  "The inner tube could be arrested for indecent exposure."
  — Rochester, 19:01

8. Autograph Bit with a 'Little Boy'

• [21:00–21:30] A classic running joke about Jack’s forever-young age, where a 5-year-old boy seeks Jack Benny’s autograph and the two trade witty quips about their (fake) ages.

  "Say, Mr. Benny, are you really 37 years old?"
  — Little Boy (Mary Livingston), 21:07

9. Jack, Phil Harris, and Celebrity Name-Dropping

• [22:33–24:29] Phil and Jack exchange puns and jokes while running into Cass Daley, who is inviting “all the men in Hollywood” to her party – but seemingly no women.

  "Aren't you inviting any girls?"
  — Jack Benny, 23:56
  "You're new around here, ain't you, buddy?"
  — Cass Daley, 24:00

10. Mary's Dressing Room: Candy, Romance, and More

• [28:41–31:18] Jack attempts to woo Mary with a box of candy; the exchanges reveal their love-hate rapport, with jokes about unrequited love, knitting socks, and Jack's reluctance to shave.

  "You try to act like you don’t, but deep down inside you think I’m peachy."
  — Jack Benny, 29:48

  "Sir, I think you’re ginger peachy with whipped cream and a cherry on top. A root toot toot and a toothy fruit."
  — Mary Livingston, 30:01

• They briefly discuss Boris Karloff’s guest appearance on Fred Allen’s program—a cross-program in-joke.

11. Heartfelt Christmas Message

• [31:45–33:50] Jack closes the show by addressing listeners directly, imparting a message of hope, togetherness, and the enduring Christmas spirit.

  "Let’s do more than hope and pray—let’s wind some of the special feeling around our fingers just as a gentle reminder that the Christmas spirit is a pretty good thing to have around our house every day of the year."
  — Jack Benny, 33:20

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Professor LeBlanc’s exasperated violin insults:

  • “You sound like a horse.” (01:43)
  • “Make the notes a smoother mixture. This is worse than your last picture.” (02:45)

• Mary and Jack’s poolside “Seaside Café” gag:

  • “Imagine putting stools around your swimming pool and calling it the Seaside Café.” (06:45)

• Dennis Day’s family story:

  • “We got our footprints on the ceiling.” (07:47)

• Rochester on the state of Jack’s car:

  • “The inner tube could be arrested for indecent exposure.” (19:01)
  • “Boss, when a car gets this old, they don’t appraise it, they weigh it.” (20:09)

• Mary’s retort to Jack’s romance:

  • “I think you’re ginger peachy with whipped cream and a cherry on top. A root toot toot and a toothy fruit.” (30:01)

• Jack Benny’s Christmas sentiment:

  • “The Christmas spirit is a pretty good thing to have around our house every day of the year. As an insurance policy guaranteeing peace in the family of nations.” (33:20)

---

Timeline of Important Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | |:--------------|:------------------------------------------------------| | 00:34 | Jack’s holiday opening and remarks | | 01:27–05:19 | Violin lesson with Professor LeBlanc | | 05:33–07:55 | Friends arrive; Seaside Café and home humor | | 08:54–09:54 | Beach invitation and ‘being buried’ story | | 10:15–12:45 | Dennis Day’s musical number | | 13:02–14:49 | Operator and long-distance call jokes | | 17:45–21:12 | Jack and Rochester fix a tire; car jokes galore | | 21:00–21:30 | Autograph exchange with ‘little boy’ | | 22:33–24:29 | Jack and Phil trade wisecracks; Cass Daley scene | | 28:41–31:18 | Mary’s dressing room; romance, knitting, and candy | | 31:45–33:50 | Jack’s closing Christmas message |

---

Tone & Style

The episode maintains Jack Benny’s signature understated, deadpan humor, witty repartee, and classic character-driven set pieces. The language is breezy, with gentle jabs, puns, and running gags. At its heart, the show radiates warmth and camaraderie—an old-fashioned Christmas treat for the ears, designed to comfort and entertain listeners far from home.

---

For New Listeners

This episode is an excellent primer on the Jack Benny Program’s appeal—balancing zany situations with dry humor, music, celebrity guest cameos, and a sense of genuine affection among the cast. The closing Christmas wish is both moving and emblematic of the era’s radio charm.

Ideal for: Fans of classic comedy, holiday radio nostalgia, and lovers of sharp, ensemble-driven humor.

Transcript

[Safeway/Albertsons Announcer]

Save on holiday essentials at Safeway and Albertsons this week. Get USDA Choice Beef Bone in Roast for $6.97 per pound with digital coupon and minimum purchase of $50 or more in a single transaction, excluding the price of the roast while supplies last. Limit one plus. Get broccoli, cauliflower, green beans or Brussels sprouts for 97 cents per pound with digital coupon. Limit six pounds and russet, red or yellow potatoes, yellow onions, yams or Sweet potatoes are 99 cents per pound, member price. Visit safewayalbertsons.com for more deals.

[Jack Benny]

Hello again. This is Jack Benny. Well, the Christmas season is here again. So through the armed forces radio service, your voice of information and education, I want to extend my personal greetings for a very merry Christmas and a wonderfully happy new year for all of us. Christmas means gifts. I couldn't send packages to all of you, could I? Well, could I? Not even cards? What if some of you who don't know me receive them? I mean, what would Emily Poe say? But rather than talk, I'd like to play something for you. I have some practicing to do first, but I don't mind if you listen. I'll begin playing in just a moment. Excuse me, will you? Just an exercise or two.

[Professor LeBlanc]

No, no, no, Mr. Benny. You better try the exercises once more.

[Jack Benny]

All right, professor leblanc. Hello. Commence.

[Professor LeBlanc]

1 and 2 and 3 and 4.

[Don Wilson]

And.

[Professor LeBlanc]

Do not make it too legato. Grip your bow and place staccato softly, like a derby chirping. You sound like a horse.

[Rochester]

That's.

[Jack Benny]

That's enough, Monsieur Benny.

[Professor LeBlanc]

Now try intermezzo again.

[Jack Benny]

Yes, sir.

[Don Wilson]

No, no, no.

[Jack Benny]

Mbeny, please.

[Professor LeBlanc]

A violin is a delicate instrument.

[Jack Benny]

It has a heart.

[Professor LeBlanc]

It has a soul. You have already broken its heart. Have pity on its soul.

[Jack Benny]

I see. You see, professor, control yourself. Would you like a glass of water? Yes.

[Professor LeBlanc]

Put a little cyanide in it.

[Jack Benny]

Not till we finish the lesson.

[Professor LeBlanc]

All right, all right. Take the exercises once more.

[Jack Benny]

Yes, sir.

[Professor LeBlanc]

Play it softly, play it tender where can I go to surrender? Make the notes a smoother mixture. This is worse than your last picture. My forehead is getting wy onesy twosy. I hate you.

[Jack Benny]

Zero.

[Professor LeBlanc]

All right, Mr. Benny.

[Jack Benny]

All right.

[Professor LeBlanc]

Not trying to mess so once more.

[Jack Benny]

Yes, sir. I'm sorry, professor.

[Professor LeBlanc]

Michelle Benny, the violin has only four strings. Your left hand has only five fingers. How can just in nine of you make so many mistakes?

[Jack Benny]

I'll try it again, please.

[Professor LeBlanc]

And this time, just follow these simple instructions.

[Don Wilson]

Relax, be calm and slide the board.

[Professor LeBlanc]

Delicately over the Strings.

[Jack Benny]

Is that all?

[Professor LeBlanc]

That's all now, Tremaine.

[Jack Benny]

One, two.

[Professor LeBlanc]

You see, it sounds better already.

[Rochester]

They're fixing the three.

[Jack Benny]

I'll try it again. No, no, no.

[Professor LeBlanc]

Let's call it today the Lesson.

[Jack Benny]

She is done. Professor, look at the clock. The lesson still have 14 seconds to go. 14 seconds, that's right.

[Professor LeBlanc]

And then you will give me back my pants.

[Jack Benny]

Yes. Very well.

[Professor LeBlanc]

Commence.

[Don Wilson]

The bell. The landslide.

[Rochester]

The hour heals up.

[Don Wilson]

The 19 minutes. I am liberated.

[Rochester]

Free.

[Don Wilson]

Professor, control yourself. Control yourself.

[Jack Benny]

Stop kissing me. My goodness, these Frenchmen are so emotional.

[Professor LeBlanc]

Forgive me, Mr. Benny, I forgot my city.

[Jack Benny]

Well, professor, the lesson is over. You may go now.

[Professor LeBlanc]

But, monsieur, you've forgotten something.

[Jack Benny]

You.

[Professor LeBlanc]

You haven't paid me.

[Jack Benny]

Oh, yes, yes. Oh, by the way, professor, would you like some lunch?

[Professor LeBlanc]

No, I wanted money this time.

[Jack Benny]

Well, I'll have to get it for you. Excuse me a minute, please.

[Don Wilson]

Come in.

[Jack Benny]

Oh, hello, Don. Hello, Jack. Come on in. Don, what are you giggling about? Nothing, nothing, Nothing. You didn't come over here. John, what have you got behind your back?

[Don Wilson]

Mary, Phil and Dennis.

[Mary Livingston]

Hello, Jack.

[Jack Benny]

Hiya, Jackson. Hello, Mr. Benny. Oh, for heaven's sake. I know Donna's big, but how the three of you can hide behind him is beyond me.

[Mary Livingston]

I beg your pardon, but would you mind waiting on me first?

[Jack Benny]

What?

[Mary Livingston]

I saw this wine, so I got in it. Look, miss, I'll have size 9, 1 pound or where it won't show.

[Jack Benny]

Size 9, 1 pound or where it won't show.

[Don Wilson]

Yeah.

[Mary Livingston]

Nowadays when you see a line, it's either for nylon, butter or vaccination.

[Jack Benny]

Oh, yeah, but this happens to be a private residence. Oh.

[Mary Livingston]

Oh, I'm sorry. Goodbye.

[Jack Benny]

Goodbye. Oh, by the way, as long as you're here, would you like some lunch?

[Mary Livingston]

No, thank you.

[Jack Benny]

Didn't even give me a chance to show her the menu.

[Mary Livingston]

Jack Benny, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

[Jack Benny]

Mary, what's wrong with serving lunch?

[Mary Livingston]

Imagine putting stools around your swimming pool and calling it the Seaside Cafe.

[Jack Benny]

So what? I serve good sandwiches and draft beer. That's right, Libby. Pickle in the middle and the beer on tap. Oh, here is that Gagalono to get you a summer show.

[Don Wilson]

Bill.

[Jack Benny]

That kind of stuff won't keep in the summit. You get your laugh you want, but I have the best beer in town. Oh, Mr. Benny. Yes, Dennis? I'm gonna deliver your keg of beer tomorrow. You are? Why? My mother sprained her back. Oh, that's a shame. How did it happen? Well, yesterday when my mother was at work, my father waxed the floor in the Kitchen. It was sure slick. Oh, you mean when your mother stepped in, her feet went out from under? I think so. We got our footprints on the ceiling. Well, that's. Did your father tape up her back?

[Don Wilson]

No, her mouth.

[Jack Benny]

You should have heard what she was calling him.

[Volleyball Announcer]

League 1 volleyball is coming to Minnesota in 2027. The world's best players together on American soil. This is volleyball like you've never seen before. Huge swings, massive blocks, jaw dropping digs. A sport where every play is a highlight. To learn more and get first Access, visit lovb Minnesota.com iheart.

[Safeway/Albertsons Announcer]

Save on holiday essentials at Safeway and Albertsons this week. Get USDA Choice Beef Bone in Roast for $6.97 per pound with digital coupon and minimum purchase of $50 or more in a single transaction, excluding the price of the roast while supplies last. Limit one plus. Get broccoli, cauliflower, green beans or Brussels sprouts for 97 cents per pound with digital coupon limit six pounds and russet, red or yellow potatoes. Yellow onions, yams or Sweet potatoes are 99 cents per pound. Member price. Visit Safeway albertsons.com for more deals.

[Jack Benny]

I don't blame her. Anyway, kid, what's going on? How come you all drop in together?

[Mary Livingston]

We were going to the beach, Jack, and we thought you'd like to go with us.

[Jack Benny]

The beach? No, no, I don't think so.

[Mary Livingston]

Oh, Jack, stop being afraid. What happened to you last year won't happen again.

[Jack Benny]

What happened, Libby?

[Mary Livingston]

Well, Jack was lying on the sand and two men came over and tried to bury him.

[Jack Benny]

Yeah, tried to bury him.

[Don Wilson]

So what?

[Jack Benny]

They were only kidding.

[Mary Livingston]

Not when they were playing organ music at the same time.

[Jack Benny]

Yeah, imagine those two undertakers coming down there looking for business. Well, it was your own fault for.

[Mary Livingston]

Lying on the beach in a tuxedo.

[Jack Benny]

No, that wasn't a tuxedo. That was my old bathing suit. And the lapels were a little shiny. Anyway, said you were on the beach. I got to stay home and practice my violin. Hey, Jackson, you're not serious about that concert tour next summer, are you? I certainly am. And no swing stuff for me. I'm going to play the classic, you know, that long haired stuff. Long haired stuff? Yeah. Wait a minute. You ain't got the talent or the to pay for it. I'll get along, don't worry. Now look kids, I'm kind of busy day, so if you're going to the beach, go ahead. Okay, Jackson. Come on kids, let's go.

[Mary Livingston]

Hey, Jack, is our program all set for Sunday?

[Jack Benny]

All Except Dennis's song. Just run over one, will you, kid? Yes, sir.

[Professor LeBlanc]

Michelle. Benny Michell.

[Jack Benny]

Benny, I am waiting. Oh, Professor LeBlanc, I forgot all about you. You want your money? I owe you for six lessons, don't I? No.

[Professor LeBlanc]

Five lessons?

[Jack Benny]

I thought it was six. No, no, five.

[Professor LeBlanc]

I'm not charging you for the time I hit you on the head with the violin.

[Jack Benny]

Yes, yes, that's right. Well, I'll get you the money as soon as I hear this song. Go ahead, Dennis. Let's have it. Professor, put your.

[Don Wilson]

I shall be loving you to all eternity. What if you don't believe me? Wait and see My heart will still be true when stars on fire. And when the ever three has withered on the path I still will feel the same as I. These little worlds I know can never so far through I be but if you don't believe me, just you wait.

[Jack Benny]

Many things came up there. I'll play some other time, if I may. You know, it's been that way for a long time. Every time I start, people come in with all kinds of problems and bother me and don't ever give me a chance to finish. Oh, excuse me. I think Rochester's calling me. What do you want, Rochester?

[Don Wilson]

Boss.

[Rochester]

Boss, the telephone operator has been trying to reach you. You got a long distance call from New York.

[Jack Benny]

Oh, well, I'll take it on this phone here.

[Mary Livingston]

Say, Mabel.

[Rochester]

Yeah?

[Mary Livingston]

Mr. Benny's dressing room is flashing. I wonder what Stella Dallas wants now. I don't know. I'll find out.

[Jack Benny]

Hello, operator, this is Jack Benny. Do you have a long distance call for me?

[Mary Livingston]

Just a second, Mr. Benny. I'll check on it. Say, Mabel, did you handle a long distance call for Mr. Benny? Oh, yeah. New York was trying to get him. I'll plug in the long distance operator. Say, Gertrude, ain't that Jack Denny, an amazing character?

[Don Wilson]

Yeah.

[Mary Livingston]

I'll never forget how he kept buying me candy bars and trying to lure me up to his apartment to show me his etchings. And finally, like a darn fool, I went. See what happened? He showed me his etchings. You know, I don't. Hello, NBC? Yes, Mr. Gildersleeve. I'll plug you in immediately. T Navel might switch for Dual Shield. Benny's on the first plug, Gildersleeve's on the second, and Greenberg's on two. You think that some. Yes. All right, I'll tell him. Oh, Mr. Benny.

[Jack Benny]

Yes, operator?

[Mary Livingston]

That long distance call was canceled.

[Jack Benny]

All right, thank you. All right, kid. Now let's start the rehearsal. Where's Larry Stevens. Here I am, Mr. Benny. Oh. Oh, hello, kid. Gee. $646,000.

[Rochester]

Oh, boy, could I use that money.

[Jack Benny]

Now that I'm married. Why, what would you do with all that money, kid? I'd go on a honeymoon. But I thought you went on a honeymoon. Yeah, but this time I'd take my wife with me. Someday you may be as smart as I am. Now, let's get on with the rehearsal. Now, Larry, you go over your song while we go in the other room and read the script. Okay. Now, come on, fellas, let's.

[Don Wilson]

You came along from out of nowhere you took my heart and found it free. Wonderful dreams, wonderful ski. Dreams from the world Made every sweet as a flower for me. If you should go back to your nose Leaving with me a memory? I'll always wait for your return out of nowhere Hoping you'll bring your ram.

[Jack Benny]

Thanks for waiting. Of course, you realize that you've just heard two spots from past shows of mine. The whole gang wanted to get in on this Christmas greeting to you. But schedules being what they are, we couldn't all make it at one time. So we decided that we take some of the high points so that everybody could be remembered to you. There's one other spot I'd like you to hear. You'll hear every one of us, plus a special visitor. But let's let Don Wilson tell us about it. About three hours ago, Jack Benny left home for the studio. Rochester was driving him, and on the way, they had a little tire trouble.

[Professor LeBlanc]

So let's go back and find out what happened.

[Jack Benny]

How. How much longer before you'll have the spare on Rochester?

[Rochester]

Just a couple of minutes.

[Jack Benny]

Couple of minutes would have been fixed long ago if I'd have done it myself.

[Rochester]

Hand me the wrench, will you, boss?

[Jack Benny]

The wrench. Here, that's the screwdriver. Oh. Oh, the wrench. Here, that's the pump. Oh. Oh. Here, that's the hubcap. Oh, you want the wrench? The wrench.

[Rochester]

You're back to the screwdriver again. Oh, let's go down again, boss. I need the rest.

[Don Wilson]

What?

[Rochester]

You know, boss, you just ain't mechanically minded.

[Jack Benny]

I am too.

[Rochester]

Then why do you call me every morning to screw the cap back on your toothpaste?

[Jack Benny]

Look, just hurry with the tire, will you? I'm almost finished. Good. I just can't understand having a blowout. A very good tire. It's a general.

[Rochester]

I know, but you run this general down to a butt. Private.

[Jack Benny]

Stop being silly. That tire hasn't got so many holes. In it.

[Rochester]

It hasn't, Boss. The inner tube could be arrested for indecent exposure.

[Jack Benny]

What?

[Rochester]

Even the wheel is ashamed to go around with it.

[Jack Benny]

Rochester, that's a terrible joke. An awful joke. What are you laughing at?

[Rochester]

You always say that and two weeks later it shows up on your program.

[Jack Benny]

It does not. Now come on, you're all through. Let's get going. You know, Rochester, one of the reasons I haven't fixed this car up is that I've been thinking of getting a new one.

[Rochester]

Really, boss?

[Jack Benny]

Yeah, I think. I. I think this car has just about seen its best days.

[Rochester]

I told you that today. You bought it.

[Jack Benny]

I know, I know.

[Rochester]

Do you really think you'll buy a new car?

[Jack Benny]

Well, it all depends on what they'll allow me for a trade in on this car. How much do you think they'll appraise it for?

[Rochester]

Boss, when a car gets this old, they don't appraise it, they weigh it.

[Jack Benny]

Well, I'll have to. Give me a good price or I won't trade. We're pretty close to NBC. You better start looking for a parking place.

[Rochester]

Why don't we go to a parking lot, Rochester? Sorry, boss. I'm letting my post war plans get.

[Jack Benny]

The best of me. Here's a parking place right here in front of the studio. Okay, I'm going in. You stay here and watch the car.

[Rochester]

Yes, sir.

[Jack Benny]

What an automobile.

[Rochester]

This is the car that made the Irishman stop smiling.

[Jack Benny]

What?

[Rochester]

And grow months mad?

[Jack Benny]

Never mind. Just stay here and wait for me. Oh, hello, little boy.

[Mary Livingston]

Hello, Mr. Benny. May I have your autograph please?

[Jack Benny]

Why, sir, certainly, certainly. There you are, Jack Benny.

[Mary Livingston]

Thank you. Say, Mr. Benny, are you really 37 years old?

[Jack Benny]

Well, I. I will be in February. How old are you, Sunny?

[Mary Livingston]

Five.

[Jack Benny]

Only five?

[Mary Livingston]

Well, I will be in June.

[Jack Benny]

Well, goodbye, sonny. I have to run away.

[Volleyball Announcer]

League 1 volleyball is coming to Minnesota in 2027. The world's best players together on American soil. This is volleyball like you've never seen before. Huge swings, massive blocks, jaw dropping digs. A sport where every play is a highlight. To learn more and get first Access, visit LOVB Minnesota.com iheart.

[MyFico Announcer]

While holiday shopping is almost always fun, credit can be confusing. That's when you get Myfico. Download the Myfico app now and shop with confidence, knowing that you can stay on top of your credit 24.

[Toyota/Shopify Announcer]

7.

[MyFico Announcer]

Get your FICO score straight from the people that created it. Plus free credit monitoring and a free credit report every month. No credit card required. FICO scores are used by 90% of lenders. So trust the Myfico app to keep you you in the know. Visit myfico.com free or download the MyFico app today.

[Jack Benny]

Jackson. Oh, hello, Phil.

[Don Wilson]

Am I late?

[Jack Benny]

No, no, I just got here myself.

[Mary Livingston]

Are you Phil Harris?

[Jack Benny]

Yeah, that's me. Do you want my autograph?

[Mary Livingston]

Gee, I'd sure like to have it.

[Jack Benny]

Okay. Hand me your book. There you are, Phil Harris.

[Mary Livingston]

Thank you. Gee, aren't there supposed to be two R's in Harris?

[Jack Benny]

I don't know, kid. I spell it different every time. Come on, Phil, let's go. Hey, Jackson, what's that you got under your arm? Oh, it's a box of candy I'm giving Mary just a little surprise. You know, she was so nice to me when I was in the hospital last week. Come on, let's go in. You know, Phil, on the program today, I wish you.

[Mary Livingston]

Hey, Jack Ho. Filthy.

[Rochester]

Well, cash daily.

[Jack Benny]

Why, you. Well, glad to see you, Cass.

[Mary Livingston]

Well, thanks. And say, Jack, I'm glad I met you. And Phil, I'd like to invite you to a party on giving Saturday Night.

[Jack Benny]

Guys, I've asked everybody in Hollywood. Clark Gable, Van Johnson, Bing Crosby, Carrie Grant, Garrett Cooper, Fred McMurray. But Cass, they're all men. Aren't you inviting any girls? You're new around here, ain't you, buddy?

[Mary Livingston]

Why?

[Don Wilson]

Well, so on, Cass.

[Jack Benny]

See you later.

[Don Wilson]

Go on, J.

[Jack Benny]

You know, Phil, it's fun coming down the broadcast every week. You see the old gang like Cass Daly and all the others. Yeah. You know, Jackson, Cass lives out in my neighborhood. He does? Yeah. You only get the to see her once a week, but I get to see Cass daily.

[Don Wilson]

Oh, Harris, you said it.

[Rochester]

And nobody's glad.

[Jack Benny]

Phil, how can you think of all those corny jokes? I don't know, Jackson. They just come to me. Well, isn't there. Isn't there someplace you can hide? You know, Phil, those are the kind of jokes that made the Irish stopped smiling and drove months mad. If Rochester thinks I'm going to wait two weeks, he's crazy. No, sir. What did you say, Jackson? Nothing. Nothing.

[Don Wilson]

Hey, there's Larry rehearsing in honor. Come on, Phil, let's go over to.

[Jack Benny]

My dressing room, will you?

[Don Wilson]

I'm as restless as a willow in a windstorm I'm as jumpy as a puppet on a string. I'd say that I have string fever But I know it is spring I am star eyed and vaguely discontented Like a nightingale without a song to sing oh, why should I have string fever when it is a ne Spot I keep wishing I were somewhere else Walking down a strange new street Hearing things that I have never heard from a girl I've. Yet to me. I'm as busy as a spider spinning daydream I'm as giddy as a baby on a swing I haven't seen a crocus or a rose Buddha. But I feel so gay in a melancholy way that it might as well be strange it might as well, oh, be straight.

[Jack Benny]

They feel the. The kid's voice is improving all the time, isn't it? Yeah. And how do you like the. The way my band accompanies them? Very good, Phil, very good. But look, isn't that. Isn't that a new guitar player you got over there? Where? Right over there, sitting on the stool. Isn't he new?

[Don Wilson]

No, that's Frankie.

[Jack Benny]

We just washed him. Oh. Well, Phil, why don't you use. Why don't you use soap on the rest of them? You might find some pretty good musicians under there, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you better rehearse your number. Now. I'm going over to Mary's dressing room and give her this box of candy. Okay? See? Mary would be surprised to get this candy. I'll decide my voice.

[Mary Livingston]

Who is that?

[Jack Benny]

It's the man you're deliriously and madly in love with.

[Mary Livingston]

Oh, you can't fool me. Come on in, Charlie.

[Jack Benny]

Charlie. Mary, I demand an explanation.

[Mary Livingston]

Ah, Jack, I knew it was you all the time. And stop pouting.

[Jack Benny]

Pouting? Listen, sister, I never let any girl upset me.

[Mary Livingston]

Oh, no? What about the time your girlfriend Gladys Disco returned those socks you knitted for Mary?

[Jack Benny]

You know I don't knit socks for girls. I knitted those for myself. I did.

[Mary Livingston]

Well, why did you give them to Gladys?

[Jack Benny]

Because they were too big for me, that's why. Anyway, Mary, I stopped off on the way to the studio and bought you this box of candy. Here. Candy.

[Mary Livingston]

Gee, thanks. Why'd you do that?

[Jack Benny]

God, you were so nice to me when I was in the hospital last week.

[Mary Livingston]

Oh, it was nothing.

[Jack Benny]

It was too. You came to see me every day and that's a sign you love me.

[Mary Livingston]

No, it is not.

[Jack Benny]

It is too. I know you. You try to act like you don't, but deep down inside you think I'm peachy.

[Mary Livingston]

Sir, I think you're ginger peachy with whipped cream and a cherry on top. A root toot toot and a toothy fruit.

[Jack Benny]

You've been around Harris too long. Listen, you can. You can. You can joke all you want or Mary, but it's the Little things you do that show me how you really feel. Like last night when I took you for a drive? That was a nice thing you did.

[Mary Livingston]

Well, we ran out of gas. Somebody had to get out and push.

[Jack Benny]

Well, you didn't have to push so fast. I got a ticket anyway. Mary, now that I brought your box of candy, you gotta give me a little kiss.

[Mary Livingston]

Oh, for heaven's sake. Every time a man brings a girl a box of candy, he wants a kiss. It's the same thing with my sister.

[Jack Benny]

Babe, it isn't the same. She brings the candy anyway. What are you stalling about? Give me a little kiss.

[Mary Livingston]

Jack, I'm not stalling, but take a look at yourself in the mirror. Why didn't you shave?

[Jack Benny]

Oh, I don't think I need a shave.

[Mary Livingston]

You do too.

[Jack Benny]

Well, maybe a little. I can wait till tomorrow.

[Mary Livingston]

Jack, I never saw anyone like you. If it's hair, you hate to lose it.

[Jack Benny]

I'll get cleaned up later. I got to run back to my dressing room now and get ready for the show. So long.

[Mary Livingston]

Oh, Jack, I meant to tell you. Sometime when you're thinking of using a guest star, why not get Boris Karloff?

[Jack Benny]

Boris Karloff?

[Mary Livingston]

Yeah. I heard him on Fred Allen's program last week, and he was wonderful.

[Jack Benny]

Well, what do you know? Boris Karloff and Fred Allen on the same program. That's like two totem poles broadcasting from the La Brea Tar Pit. I'll see you later, Mary. Okay. I can't get over it. Karloff and Alan on the same program. That's like two totem poles. Oh, I said that? I must stop parking my gum on my glasses. As gruesome, as good as he is, I can't understand how. Hello, Jack. What are you mumbling about? Oh, hello. Don said you hear Fred Allen's program last week. Yes. Oh. You know, he had the most terrific joke about you. He did? What was it? He said the Lone Ranger wanted to follow your program because there was enough corn on it to feed his horse. That's the first time I ever saw a man laugh himself out of a job. Well, that does it for now. You have my best wishes and those of the rest of the game. Mary Livingston, Bill Harris, Dennis Day, Larry Stevens, Rochester and Don Wilson. I know that you have as much of a Christmas as is possible over there. Trees, lights, tinsel and a special feeling. Let me add something of this night this very special night that began 1946 years ago. Let's do more than hope and pray let's wind some of the special feeling around our fingers just as a gentle reminder that the Christmas spirit is a pretty good thing to have around our house every day of the year. As an insurance policy guaranteeing peace in the family of nations. This is Jack Benny saying good night. This program has come to you through the worldwide facilities of the Armed Forces Radio Service, the voice of information and education. Sam.

[Toyota/Shopify Announcer]

Toyota Thon Toyota Thon Toyota Thon is on. Oh what fun it is to drive a new Toyota today. Hey Jan from Toyota here reminding you Toyotathon is on. Make your holiday wishes come true with a new Camry RAV4 Tacoma and more. All right, let's sing it together this time. Toyota Thon Toyota Thon Toyota Thon is on.

[Safeway/Albertsons Announcer]

Dealer inventory may vary.

[Jack Benny]

Toyota Thon ends January 5th. See your participating dealer for details.

[Toyota/Shopify Announcer]

Toyota let's go Places Starting a business can be overwhelming. You're juggling multiple roles designer, marketer, logistics manager, all while bringing your vision to life. But for millions of businesses, Shopify is the ultimate partner. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e commerce in the US from household names like Mattel and Gymshark to brands just getting started. Build a stunning online store with Shopify's ready to use templates, boost content with AI powered product descriptions, page headlines and enhance photography. Marketing is easy with built in tools for email and social media campaigns. Plus, Shopify simplifies everything from inventory to shipping and returns. If you're ready to sell, you're ready for Shopify. Turn your big business idea into With Shopify on your side, sign up for your $1 per month trial today at shopify.com try go to shopify.com try shopify.com.