Jack Benny Program 37-11-28 (273) Jack Cooked the Turkey

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio

Episode: Jack Benny Program 37-11-28 (273) Jack Cooked the Turkey
Date: November 26, 2025
Main Theme: A classic episode of the Jack Benny Program, centered on Thanksgiving mishaps—particularly Jack’s attempt at cooking dinner for the gang and the continuing saga of his unreliable car.

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Overview

This episode dives into the comedic chaos surrounding Jack Benny’s Thanksgiving dinner preparations and the resulting aftermath. The guests reminisce about their experiences at Jack’s dinner table, lampoon his questionable culinary skills, and take a memorable jaunt in his infamous Maxwell car, which once again becomes the butt of much humor. Throughout, the cast delivers fast-paced banter laced with physical and situational comedy, showcasing the show’s trademark style. Interspersed musical numbers add to the vintage radio charm.

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Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Jack Benny’s Thanksgiving Dinner Fiasco

• Light banter about teamwork and aging starts things off:
  • “Don, can you imagine the both of us on a seesaw? Me way up in the clouds and you down on the good earth. Gee, it makes me dizzy.” (Jack Benny, 02:46)
• Kenny and Phil thank Jack for hosting—enthusiastically (and sarcastically):
  • Kenny is especially grateful, but, “Gee, everybody else had wine with each course. And you made me drink milk.” (Kenny Baker, 04:18)
  • Jack: “Well, Kenny, you’re too young. Besides, milk is good for you. Milk goes with anything.”
  • Kenny: “Doesn’t go with my brown suit.” (04:26)
• The turkey saga:
  • The turkey, a gift from Andy Devine, was legendarily tough. Jack boasts, “I cooked it with a blowtorch. That did it.” (Jack Benny, 04:43)
  • Phil: “That’s a fine way to cook a turkey. Why didn’t you put it in the oven?”
  • Jack: “I tried to, Phil, but it kept jumping out all the time.”
• Mary’s barbed review:
  • “We had everything from soup to bicarbonate of soda.” (Mary Livingston, 05:05)
  • On the mashed potatoes, “They were so lumpy, Jack had to serve them in the sugar bowl.” (05:14)
• More jokes about dinner:
  • Mashed potatoes “so nice and tan” because they were cooked under a sun lamp.
  • Turkey pieces came with surprises: “I got a neck with a collar button in it.” (Mary Livingston, 05:44)
  • Heavy dinner rolls (“I had to jack mine up to butter it.” — Mary Livingston, 06:28)
  • Jack’s wounded pride and kleptomaniac guests (“I had five people to dinner and six spoons were missing.” — Jack Benny, 06:42), with Kenny proudly confessing: “I took two.” (Kenny Baker, 06:56)

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2. Phil Harris’ Musical Number

• Performance: “You Can’t Stop Me From Dreaming.”
• Tongue-in-cheek drama:
  • Jack calls out Phil: “That was quite a surprise. I didn’t know you were going to slip in a solo there, did you, Kenny?” (Jack Benny, 09:11)
  • Phil: “I’m mad at the piano player and he hates my voice.” (09:26)
  • Jack: “Well, you certainly fixed him.”

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3. Jack’s Infamous Maxwell Car & the Decision to Sell

• Ongoing jokes about the car’s reliability and Jack’s frugality:
  • Phil asks: “How’s the old tub behaving?”
  • Jack: “Oh, it’s all right, Don. I’ve had no trouble. But I... I think I’m going to get rid of it.” (Jack Benny, 10:09)
• The graffiti incident:
  • Jack: “When I came out, somebody had written on my car, ‘Lulu loves Butch.’ Gee, I was mad.” (Jack Benny, 10:29)
• Mary reads out Jack’s classified ad:
  • “…For sale or exchange. Maxwell touring car. All modern features including self-starter and one-man top. Excellent view. Only three blocks from the station.” (Mary Livingston, 11:24)
  • Jack is listed 'care of Lonely Hearts Club' (11:49). Jack protests, “I don’t belong to that anymore.”
• Kenny’s interest in the car:
  • Jack: “If you’re so interested in my car, why don’t you take it off my hands?” (Jack Benny, 12:18)
  • Kenny: “What do you want for it, Jack?” Jack: “Would $95 be too much?” Kenny: “Yes.” (12:24–12:33)
  • Jack tries to lower the price, but Kenny hesitates.

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4. Jack’s Failed Car Sale to Anatole Ginsburg & Slapperman

• Slapperman phones in, saying he has a buyer (his brother-in-law Anatole Ginsburg):
  • “If he’s a relative of yours, I’d rather not sell him my car.” (Jack Benny, 18:25)
  • Slapperman: “Go ahead, it’ll save him rights.”
• In-person negotiation devolves into comedic confusion:
  • Bargaining over price, Anatole offers $50; Jack wants $95, lowers to $85—Anatole still refuses.
  • Exchange full of interjections and insults, e.g., “Don’t be a chimpanzee.” (Slapperman, 20:59)
  • Mary’s quip: “Mary, I don’t think you’ve got a Chinaman’s chance with this guy.” (Mary Livingston, 19:33)
• The “test drive”:
  • Jack takes Slapperman and Anatole for a bumpy ride.
  • A memorable exchange: “Oh, Jack, I can only see Schlepperman.” — Mary. “What? Hey, Schlep, where’s Anatol?” — Jack. “I’m sitting on him. He wants to jump out.” — Slapperman. (24:01)
  • “The spark plugs are doing the Big Apple.” — Mary (24:14)
  • Eventually, Anatole and Slapperman fall out of the car after a bump. Jack: “Well, I better go back and get them.” Response: “Don’t bother.” (Kenny Baker, 24:47) “I wouldn’t buy it anyhow.” — Slapperman. (24:48)

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5. Car Trouble at the Gas Station

• Phil Harris reappears as the gas station attendant:
  • Jack tries to buy 2 gallons—gets 2.5 and refuses to pay the extra 8 cents:
    • “Young man, do you realize that a family in China can live for two weeks on $0.08?” — Jack (26:22)
    • Mary: “So can you.” (26:23)
• Misunderstandings with the car’s features:
  • Mary, on the gas tank/ashtray confusion: “Gee, is that the gas tank?" Jack: "I've been using it for an ashtray." (25:50)
• More jokes about Jack’s cheapness and the car’s faults:
  • “I’ll be glad when you get rid of this piece of junk.” — Mary (27:16)
  • Jack has issues starting the car and nearly reverses into another vehicle:
    • “Watch out, Jack, you’re in reverse.” — Slapperman (27:34)
    • Jack: “Oh, what’s the matter with me anyway?... If I’ve damaged your car, I’ll pay for it.” (27:44)

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6. Kenny Baker’s Musical Interlude & Bathtub Antics

• Kenny sings “Moon Over Manakura” (13:26; reprise at 15:52)
• Comic follow-up:
  • Jack: “Why do you hold [the last note] so long?” (Jack Benny, 16:43)
  • Kenny: “I never give up a song without a struggle.” (16:55)
  • “I sing in a bathtub every morning—and you know, Jack, I had the most embarrassing thing happen to me once…”
  • Jack: “What was it?”
  • Kenny: “I reached for a high note and swallowed the soap.” (17:11)
  • “I bubbled for a week.” (Kenny Baker, 17:17)

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7. “The Private Life of a Bumblebee” Sketch

• Jack proposes this as a time filler—a play in three ‘buzzes’ and one sting.
• As they prepare, Slapperman calls regarding the car sale, launching that entire subplot (17:24–18:05).

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Notable Quotes and Moments with Timestamps

• Jack’s self-praise and cooking humility:
  • “For years I’ve been known as Prudence Benny of Beverly Hills and my pies… I’m famous for my lemon meringue.” (03:40)
• Thanksgiving dinner critique:
  • “We had everything from soup to bicarbonate of soda.” — Mary (05:05)
  • “The turkey was good, wasn’t it?… I cooked it with a blowtorch. That did it.” — Jack (04:43)
  • “I had to jack mine up to butter it.” — Mary, about Jack's dinner rolls (06:28)
• Kenny's deadpan honesty:
  • “I took two [spoons].” (06:56)
• Phil’s bandleader rivalry:
  • “I’m mad at the piano player and he hates my voice.” — Phil (09:26)
• Jack's indignation at car graffiti:
  • “When I came out, somebody had written on my car, lulu loves butcher. Gee, I was mad.” (10:29)
• Mary's classified ad punchline:
  • “Owner satisfied, but could feel better.” (Mary Livingston, 11:41)
• Car ride slapstick:
  • “The spark plugs are doing the Big Apple.” — Mary (24:14)
  • “I’m sitting on him. He wants to jump out.” — Slapperman, about Anatole (24:01)
• Jack’s hallmark thriftiness at the gas station:
  • “Young man, do you realize that a family in China can live for two weeks on $0.08?” — Jack (26:22)

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Musical Numbers

• “Go South, Young Man” – Orchestra opening (00:34)
• “You Can’t Stop Me From Dreaming” – Phil Harris & orchestra (07:49)
• “Moon Over Manakura” – Sung by Kenny Baker (13:26, 15:52)

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Episode’s Peak Comedy & Memorabilia

• The blend of witty, rapid-fire insults, Jack’s inability to cook, and the disastrous test drive stand out as golden moments of radio-era comedy.
• As always, running gags about Jack’s cheapness and the state of his Maxwell car anchor the show’s humor.
• Most memorable exchange:
  • “I had five people to dinner and six spoons were missing.” — Jack
  • Kenny: “I took two.”
  • Jack: “Well, give me one back. Don’t be a pig.” (06:56–06:59)

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Conclusion

This Jack Benny Program episode is a classic slice of old-time radio with a Thanksgiving twist. The ensemble’s snappy chemistry, offbeat asides, and relentless ribbing are timelessly funny. For fans of the golden age of radio or newcomers, this is a perfect snapshot of the humor, camaraderie, and slapstick that made the Jack Benny Program a household fixture.

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For deeper laughs:

• Listen from 02:15 for Jack’s deadpan opening and Thanksgiving banter
• The failed car sale and road test run roughly from 18:00 to 27:15
• Musical numbers at 07:49 and 13:26, plus comedic song commentary at 16:43

Original tone: Dry, deadpan wit mixed with slapstick and lighthearted insult comedy; ensemble chemistry is strong and effortless.

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Transcript

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[Phil Harris]

The Jello Program Starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston and Phil Harris and his orchestra. The orchestra opens a program with Go South, Young man from the Cotton Club Review. Whether it's a company dinner or just a regular family affair, any meal will be a success if it's topped off with a delicious dessert. And no dessert is more delicious or more popular than Jell O. Jello is a grand dessert, easy to prepare, swell to look at and luscious to taste. Jello is crammed with extra rich fruit flavor, a true fruit goodness that rivals the flavor of fresh, ripe fruit itself. But remember this. There's only one Jello, and only Jell O brings you that special extra rich fruit flavor. So if you want to top your dinner with a dessert that will be an assured success, serve Jello. But be sure you get genuine Jello. Don't accept any substitutes. Look for the big red letters on the box. They spell Jell. That was Go South, Young man from the Cotton Club Review. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you a man who every Sunday night at this same time walks up to the microphone, looks it square in the.

[Jack Benny]

Eye and says, hello again. This is Jack Benny talking. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Well done. That was a cute opening. That was a nice introduction. And nice teamwork, too. I thought you and I certainly work well together, don't we?

[Phil Harris]

Oh, yes, we do, Jack. It's remarkable the way we seem to balance each other.

[Jack Benny]

What was that, Don?

[Phil Harris]

I say, it's remarkable the way we balance each other.

[Jack Benny]

I think so. Of course, we would have a little trouble on a seesaw.

[Kenny Baker]

They.

[Jack Benny]

Don, can you imagine the both of us on a seesaw? Me way up in the clouds and you down on the good earth. Gee, it makes me dizzy. Oh, boy.

[Phil Harris]

Well, Jack, do you want me to get off?

[Jack Benny]

Whoo. Don't you dare. My feet are flat enough now. Anyway, Don, we're too old to be playing around on a seesaw.

[Phil Harris]

Yeah, let's go over to the sand pile.

[Jack Benny]

Oh, let's drop this silly talk. We're getting a little bit goofy.

[Kenny Baker]

Aren't we all? Hello, Jack.

[Jack Benny]

Well, Kenny, of all people, what are you Doing here?

[Kenny Baker]

Well, I was on my way to the movies and I got lost.

[Jack Benny]

Well, you couldn't have got lost in a better place. We can use you here.

[Kenny Baker]

Yeah. Say, Jack, I want to thank you for inviting me over to your house for Thanksgiving dinner.

[Jack Benny]

Oh, that's all right, Kenny. You're always welcome.

[Phil Harris]

And I want to thank you, too, Jack. And I also want to congratulate you for cooking that big dinner all by yourself.

[Jack Benny]

Oh, it was nothing, Don. I always do that. You may not know this, but I'm considered to be quite a cook.

[Phil Harris]

Oh, you are?

[Jack Benny]

Oh, for years I've been known as Prudence Benny of Beverly Hills and my pies. You know, I'm famous for my lemon meringue.

[Phil Harris]

Meringue? Why, that's merengue.

[Jack Benny]

Oh, is that the way it's pronounced? Oh, gee, you learn something every day. Well, well. So you cooked the Thanksgiving dinner all by yourself, eh, Jack? Yes, Phil, with my very own hands. Why didn't you come? Did you have a previous engagement? No, just a hunch. Oh. Oh, well, you missed something. It was a grand meal. We had all the trimmings and everything you wanted to drink. Everything?

[Kenny Baker]

Gee, everybody else had wine with each course. And you made me drink milk.

[Jack Benny]

Well, Kenny, you're too young. Besides, milk is good for you. Milk goes with anything.

[Kenny Baker]

Doesn't go with my brown suit.

[Jack Benny]

Well, the turkey was good, wasn't it? Say, Jack, don't tell me you served.

[Bill]

That old bird Andy Devine gave you last week.

[Jack Benny]

Yes, Bill, and it was all right, wasn't it, Don?

[Phil Harris]

Well, it surprised me, Jack. That turkey looked so tough, and yet it turned out so tender. What did you do?

[Jack Benny]

I cooked it with a blowtorch that did it. A blowtorch. That's a fine way to cook a turkey. Why didn't you put it in the oven? I tried to, Phil, but it kept jumping out all the time. I can't understand it either. I put paperweights in the dressing. Oh, hello, Mary.

[Mary Livingston]

Hello, kitchen mechanic.

[Jack Benny]

Well, Mary, did you enjoy my Thanksgiving dinner? No kidding. How was it, Mary?

[Mary Livingston]

Oh, it was swell. We had everything from soup to bicarbonate of soda.

[Phil Harris]

Hmm.

[Mary Livingston]

And what? Mashed potatoes.

[Jack Benny]

I'll say.

[Mary Livingston]

They were so lumpy, Jack had to serve them in the sugar bowl.

[Jack Benny]

I didn't have to. I was short of dishes.

[Kenny Baker]

Gee, I thought those mashed potatoes were swell. They were so nice and tan.

[Jack Benny]

Yeah.

[Bill]

Tan potatoes.

[Jack Benny]

Well, the stove was crowded, and I had to cook them under the sun lamp. Oh. Anyway, the turkey was delicious. I got a wing and it Was swell.

[Kenny Baker]

I got a leg and it kicked me.

[Jack Benny]

Oh, it did.

[Mary Livingston]

I got a neck with a collar button in it.

[Jack Benny]

Why don't you stay out of the kitchen, Jack?

[Bill]

That's a woman's job.

[Jack Benny]

Now, Phil, that's the most ridiculous thing you've ever said. That's ridic. Men are better in everything. Our greatest cooks are men. Our greatest dress designers are men. Our greatest dancers are men. Our greatest. What are you laughing at?

[Mary Livingston]

When you get to mothers, watch out.

[Jack Benny]

Well, the greatest fathers are men. Got that over anyway. It's a fine thing to come to my house for dinner and criticize it. That was real home cooking. Why, you never tasted such rolls in all your life.

[Mary Livingston]

Boy, were they heavy.

[Jack Benny]

They were not.

[Mary Livingston]

I had to jack mine up to butter it.

[Jack Benny]

A fine appreciation after the trouble I went to. I work and slave over a hot stove and what do I get?

[Phil Harris]

Aw, Jack, now what's the matter with you? They're only kidding. Why, everybody had a good time and enjoyed the dinner.

[Jack Benny]

Oh, no, they didn't. And here's something else I wasn't gonna mention. But I will. Now. This'll fix you guys. I had five people to dinner and six spoons were missing. Six?

[Kenny Baker]

I took two.

[Jack Benny]

Well, give me one back. Don't be a pig.

[Kenny Baker]

You want the one from the Brown Derby?

[Jack Benny]

No, the one from the Ambassador. I've got a set. And now if you fellas are all through heckling my dinner, maybe we can have a selection from the orchestra. Play, Phil. For two cents, I tear up my cook.

[Bill]

You can stop me from kissing. You can stop me from cuddling too. You can treat me mean. Honey, that's all right. But I'll get even with you tonight. Cause you can't stop me from dreaming. You can stop me from holding hands. Make me listen to your command. You can say no. No, honey, that's all right. But I'll get even with you tonight. Cause you can't stop me from dreaming. From one o' clock till nine I'll dream your mind. I'll steal a kiss. Just see what you're going to miss. You can stop me romancing you. You're the boss now. But we're not through. Just turn me down, honey, that's all right. Cause I'll get even with you tonight. Cause you can't stop me from dream.

[Jack Benny]

Yes, sir. That was you Can't Stop Me From Dreaming played by the orchestra with a vocal chorus by Phil Harris. Say, Phil, that was quite a surprise. I didn't know you were going to slip in a Solo there, did you, Kenny?

[Kenny Baker]

No, I didn't either.

[Jack Benny]

Oh, it was just a sudden impulse. It was, eh, what made you sing?

[Bill]

I'm mad at the piano player and he hates my voice.

[Jack Benny]

Oh, well, you certainly fixed him. What are you mad at him for?

[Bill]

Oh, he tells everybody that I don't know how to lead an orchestra.

[Jack Benny]

Why, that's unreasonable. Oh, it's reasonable all right, but I don't like it. Well, I don't blame you, Phil. I know how you feel. There are people right on this program who think they know more about comedy than I do.

[Kenny Baker]

Yeah.

[Jack Benny]

Canny. But it's true, Phil. Everybody wants to be a comedian. They all think they can get laughs. I know, Jack, but for real laughs.

[Bill]

None of us can top that Maxwell of yours. Boy, that's really terrific.

[Phil Harris]

Yeah. By the way, Jack, how's the old tub behaving?

[Jack Benny]

Oh, it's all right, Don. I've had no trouble. But I. Well, I. I think I'm going to get rid of it.

[Phil Harris]

Get rid of it? Why?

[Jack Benny]

Oh, because nobody has respect for private property anymore, that's why.

[Mary Livingston]

Tell them what they did to your car, Jack.

[Jack Benny]

What happened? Oh, it burns me up just thinking about it.

[Phil Harris]

Now, what was it, Jack?

[Jack Benny]

Well, I stopped in the store for a cigar. When I came out, somebody had written on my car, lulu loves butcher. Gee, I was mad.

[Phil Harris]

Lulu loves Butch.

[Jack Benny]

That's awful. I didn't mind that so much, but I don't even know the people.

[Mary Livingston]

Well, it's your own fault, Jack. You brought it on yourself when you put that sign on the back of your car.

[Phil Harris]

Sign? Well, what does it say, Mary?

[Mary Livingston]

Tune in on Jack Benny every Sunday night.

[Jack Benny]

Well, that's legitimate advertising.

[Phil Harris]

And so is this, ladies and gentlemen. Jell O is America's favorite dessert. It is economical, easy to make and comes in six delicious flavors. Strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon and lime.

[Jack Benny]

What burns me up. I don't. Butch and Lulu get their own car.

[Mary Livingston]

Aw, forget about Butch and Lulu.

[Jack Benny]

Well, anyway, I'm going to get rid of it. Did you put that ad in the paper, Mary?

[Mary Livingston]

Yes, here it is. For sale or exchange. Maxwell touring car. All modern features including self starter and one man top. Excellent view. Only three blocks from the station.

[Jack Benny]

Well, what's that got to do with it?

[Mary Livingston]

My uncle sold a house that way.

[Jack Benny]

Oh. Oh, I see.

[Mary Livingston]

Car in first class condition. Owner satisfied, but could feel better.

[Jack Benny]

It's a fine ad.

[Mary Livingston]

Right. Wire or phone. Jack Benny, care of Lonely Hearts Club, Hollywood.

[Jack Benny]

I don't belong to that anymore. Anyway, that ad ought to bring Some results.

[Kenny Baker]

Say, Jack, I can't understand what you want to sell your car for.

[Jack Benny]

I told you.

[Kenny Baker]

Why, Gosh, you've only had it a little while and you're always bragging about it and fussing over it and going around with it all the time. Well, and now you want to part with it.

[Jack Benny]

Yes, I do.

[Kenny Baker]

Gee, you're fickle.

[Jack Benny]

Well, Kenny, if you're so interested in my car, why don't you take it off my hands?

[Kenny Baker]

Oh, I might at that. What do you want for it, Jack?

[Jack Benny]

Well. Well, let me see. Well, Kenny, would. Would $95 be too much, Hades?

[Kenny Baker]

Yes.

[Jack Benny]

Oh, it would. Well, if you're really interested in my car, maybe I can shave it a little.

[Kenny Baker]

Oh, don't bother fixing it up.

[Jack Benny]

Well, Kenny, I can see that you don't want a car, so forget about it.

[Kenny Baker]

Well, I'll think it over while I'm singing my song.

[Jack Benny]

Yeah, do that. What are you gonna sing, Kenny?

[Kenny Baker]

Moon Over Manakura from the picture Hurricane.

[Jack Benny]

Well, that's a beautiful number. And right up your alley. Oh, wait a minute. Come in. Mr. Benny? Yes? Are you the party who had an ad in the paper regarding a Maxwell? Yes, I am. Are you in the market? I was, but I got out just in time. Goodbye. Now there's a lucky fellow. Sing, Penn.

[Vocalist (Kenny Baker singing)]

The moon of Manakura Fill the night with magic Polynesian star the moon of Manakura came in sight and brought you to my. The moon of Monaco soon will rise again above the island shore I'll behold it in your dusky eyes and you'll be in my arms once more. Here we stand once more upon the sand of Manakura moon Enchanted isle D we kiss do you remember this? The paradise we dreamed a little while.

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[Vocalist (Kenny Baker singing)]

Will rise again above the island shore Then I'll behold it in your dusky eyes and you be in my arms once more.

[Jack Benny]

That was. That was Moon Over Manicura from Hurricane, sung by Kenny Baker. And you know, Kenny, there's one thing that always impresses me. It's that last note goes on and on. Why do you hold it so long?

[Kenny Baker]

I never Give up a song without a struggle.

[Jack Benny]

Oh, well, it's very effective. But Kenny, in order to keep your voice in such perfect condition, you must do a lot of practicing. I'll say.

[Kenny Baker]

I sing in a bathtub every morning. And you know, Jack, I had the most embarrassing thing happen to me once.

[Jack Benny]

What was it?

[Kenny Baker]

I reached for a high note and swallowed the soap. So?

[Jack Benny]

Ooh, boy, that must have been awful.

[Kenny Baker]

Yeah, I bubbled for a week.

[Mary Livingston]

Bubbled Baker Marian.

[Jack Benny]

And now, ladies and gentlemen, for want of something better to do tonight, we are going to offer a play in the form of a nature study. A little drama entitled the Private Life of a Bumblebee, which we will present in three buzzes and one sting.

[Mary Livingston]

It certainly will.

[Jack Benny]

Quiet. Now. I will play the part of a rosebud. And Don, Kenny and Phil will be insects as usual. This will go on.

[Mary Livingston]

There's the phone, Jack.

[Jack Benny]

Let it ring. We've got a program to do.

[Mary Livingston]

Maybe somebody wants to buy your car.

[Jack Benny]

Oh, yes, Give it to me. Hello, Jack Benny talking.

[Slapperman]

Would you like to have a talk?

[Jack Benny]

Oh, schlapper him on.

[Slapperman]

Let me talk to you. It's my nickel.

[Phil Harris]

Go ahead.

[Jack Benny]

Well, Slap, look, I'm busy right now. Call me back later, will you?

[Slapperman]

Wait a minute, wait a minute. I got a customer for your car.

[Jack Benny]

You have? Who is it?

[Slapperman]

My wife's brother.

[Jack Benny]

Oh, your brother in law. Well, look, Slap, if he's a relative of yours, I'd rather not sell him my car.

[Slapperman]

Go ahead, it'll save him rights.

[Jack Benny]

Well, okay, bring him right over. Where are you, Slapp?

[Slapperman]

I'm around the corner in the drugstore in my new overcoat and a telephone booth.

[Jack Benny]

Are you standing up or sitting down?

[Slapperman]

I don't know. It's dark in here.

[Jack Benny]

Well look, Slap, bring your brother in law right up and if I sell the car, I'll give you a nice commission.

[Slapperman]

Why not?

[Mary Livingston]

Goodbye.

[Jack Benny]

Goodbye. Well, Mary, that ad did get results. Come in.

[Slapperman]

Hello, Sansa.

[Jack Benny]

Slapperman. How did you get here so quick?

[Slapperman]

What quick? I got stuck in the elevator. Say, Jack, I want you to meet my brother in law, Anatole Ginsburg.

[Jack Benny]

Well, well, well, this is a pleasure, Mr. Ginsburg. I'm very, very happy to know you. Hello. Well, Mr. Ginsburg, I understand you're very much interested in buying my Max. Is that right? I'm not telling. Now look, if you want to buy my car, Mr. Ginsburg, let's say, Jack. What?

[Mary Livingston]

Mary, I don't think you've got a Chinaman's chance with this guy.

[Jack Benny]

What Chinaman? Who's a Chinaman.

[Slapperman]

If the hat fits, put it on.

[Jack Benny]

Stay out of this, mary. Now look, Mr. Ginsburg, if you want to buy my car, it'll have to be a cash proposition. You understand that?

[Slapperman]

Don't worry, Jack. He's got the cash. But only last week in the Irish Sweepstakes he won a prize amounting to.

[Jack Benny]

It's a lie. Boys, boys.

[Slapperman]

It was in the neighborhood of $5,000.

[Jack Benny]

Why did you tell him?

[Slapperman]

Did I say exactly?

[Jack Benny]

Now look, fellas, wait a minute. Let's not take up a lot of time arguing. Mr. Ginsberg, do you want to buy the car or not? Yes. Don't be yes ing with my money. Quiet.

[Bill]

Quiet.

[Slapperman]

Anatole. Behave yourself. Dear gentlemen. Where's your assacapolis?

[Jack Benny]

Look who's talking ebikettle. If it wasn't for me, you couldn't even speak English.

[Slapperman]

Is that so?

[Jack Benny]

You said it.

[Slapperman]

Now I'm satisfied.

[Jack Benny]

Hey, boys, what is this anyway?

[Mary Livingston]

The affairs of Anatole?

[Jack Benny]

Now look here, Anatole. A man with your money should own a car like this. Now I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll let you have it for $95 because I like you. Make it 50 and drop the affection. Now look, Slap, I'd like to sell the car to your brother in law. But $95 is the lowest I can take. I'm voting out. All right, 85. I'm still voting. Go ahead. I don't care.

[Slapperman]

Wait a minute, Anatole, please. Don't be a chimpanzee. Come here. For who's Vista Mexel. What's the name again?

[Jack Benny]

I need it like a hole in her head. And besides, he looks like a crook. I resent that.

[Phil Harris]

Say, Jack, did they say anything about Jell o that?

[Jack Benny]

I'll buy. Mazel tov. Now look at what's gonna happen here. Am I selling the car or not?

[Slapperman]

Ah, hold on, Jackie boy. I know how to cleanse the deal. Take us out for a ride, and if Anatole likes the car, he'll buy a tnathol a time.

[Jack Benny]

All right, I'll take you out for a ride and then we'll talk business. That okay with you, Mr. Ginsburg? I'll take that eye. Then a house.

[Slapperman]

Well, here's weakening, Zach.

[Jack Benny]

All right. You and Anatol can sit in the back seat. You'll find it nice and comfortable. Play something, Phil. Come on, Mary, you can sit in front with me.

[Mary Livingston]

I will not.

[Jack Benny]

Quiet. I bought cushions this morning. Let's go, boy.

[Vocalist (Kenny Baker singing)]

So long, gang.

[Slapperman]

Come on, Anatol. Make it snuff.

[Jack Benny]

All right. Don't push me. Well, Mary, the car's rolling along pretty good. No trouble so far.

[Mary Livingston]

We've only gone half a block.

[Jack Benny]

Well, is that bad? Say, Mary, turn around and see if the boys are enjoying the ride.

[Mary Livingston]

Okay. Oh, Jack, I can only see Schlefferman.

[Jack Benny]

What? Hey, Schlepp, where's Anatol?

[Slapperman]

I'm sitting on him. He wants to jump out.

[Jack Benny]

Well, I'll speed her up. You'll see something. Hold on, everybody. Hey, what's that? I wonder what that noise is.

[Mary Livingston]

The spark plugs are doing the Big Apple.

[Jack Benny]

Hey, Anatole, how do you like the way the car runs? Quiet. I'm getting seasick.

[Slapperman]

And I ain't got an appetite neither. Hey, Jack, look out. Look out for that bump.

[Jack Benny]

What bump? Oh, I see it. Well, that wasn't so bad, eh, Mary?

[Mary Livingston]

No, but your friends just left.

[Jack Benny]

They did? Hey, Flip. Anatole, where are you?

[Mary Livingston]

They fell out.

[Jack Benny]

Well, I better go back and get them. Wait a minute, fellas. I'm coming right back.

[Vocalist (Kenny Baker singing)]

Don't bother.

[Jack Benny]

I wouldn't buy it anyhow.

[Slapperman]

I don't blame him.

[Jack Benny]

That's a fine thing, Mary. Why didn't you notice that bump sooner?

[Mary Livingston]

You're driving.

[Jack Benny]

I am not. You've got the steering wheel.

[Mary Livingston]

I didn't before we hit that bump.

[Jack Benny]

Well, give it back. You haven't even got a driver's license. Might as well go home now. Better stop at this gas station. That bump knocks the air out of my tire.

[Mary Livingston]

Me too. Nice landing, Jack.

[Jack Benny]

Well, I was going pretty fast there. Yeah. Good evening, sir.

[Phil Harris]

What'll it be?

[Jack Benny]

I'd like some nice fresh air for breathing or tires. Tires, of course. Okay. Do you want any gasoline?

[Mary Livingston]

No, he makes his own.

[Jack Benny]

I do not. All right. Put in two gallons, buddy.

[Phil Harris]

Two gallons.

[Jack Benny]

Is this car on a diet? Don't get gay. Just put it in. Okay, sporty. Where's the gas tank? Art, where's the gas tank? Under the seat. Get up, Mary.

[Mary Livingston]

Gee, is that the gas tank?

[Jack Benny]

Yeah.

[Mary Livingston]

I've been using it for an ashtray.

[Jack Benny]

That's fine. Right here, bud. Hey, Bill, put in two gallons. I've got it. Hey, that's enough. I said two gallons. I'm sorry, mister, but we gave you two and a half. Well, I'm not gonna pay for it. I asked for 2 gallons and that's what I want. It's only a matter of 8 cents. I don't care what it is. You made the mistake, not me. But, gee, it's only 8 cents. Young man, do you realize that a family in China can live for two weeks on $0.08?

[Mary Livingston]

So can you.

[Jack Benny]

Quiet.

[Mary Livingston]

Oh, Jack, don't be so tight.

[Jack Benny]

I'm not tight. It's not the money. It's the principle of the thing. I'm not gonna pay for one more drop than I ordered. All right, I'll match you double or nothing. Oh, no, you won't. What do you think I am, a chump? Quiet, Mary.

[Mary Livingston]

You guessed it.

[Jack Benny]

All right, buddy, what do I owe you? 2 gallons. That's 32 cents. You want to pay it all now? Yes, and don't be smart. Here you are. Come on, Mary. Let's go. Come on, Dog. Gone it.

[Mary Livingston]

I'll be glad when you get rid of this piece of junk.

[Jack Benny]

Oh, it'll start this time. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, there she goes.

[Slapperman]

Look out, Jack, you're in reverse.

[Jack Benny]

I am?

[Mary Livingston]

There's a car behind you. Watch out.

[Jack Benny]

Oh, what's the matter with me anyway? Hey, you. Where do you think you're going? I'm sorry, mister. It was all my fault.

[Kenny Baker]

All that careless dope.

[Jack Benny]

Say, I ought to put you right in the nose.

[Slapperman]

Hey, you.

[Mary Livingston]

You can't say that to Jack.

[Jack Benny]

He can too. Quiet. Now, look here, mister. If I've damaged your car, I'll pay for it. You better, or you'll be sorry.

[Mary Livingston]

Oh, yeah?

[Jack Benny]

Let's beat it, Mary, before I lose my temper.

[Mary Livingston]

Oh, boy, you were lucky that time.

[Jack Benny]

I was scared of him. He didn't upset me.

[Mary Livingston]

Yeah? Then take that cigar out of your ear and let's go.

[Jack Benny]

Oh, I was looking for that.

[Slapperman]

Hey, we're off.

[Jack Benny]

Mary.

[Phil Harris]

Here's a swell new dessert your family's going to love. It's quick and easy, and it's delicious. The name of it is Pear Strawberry Mold. And it's a tempting combination of luscious strawberry jello and canned pears. And it's so easy to make that anyone can prepare it, but so colorful. It even makes a swell party dessert. Here's all you have to do. Just dissolve a package of strawberry jello in a pint of hot water, turn into a mold and chill until firm. Unmold on a platter and decorate with slices of crisp canned pears and maraschino cherries. A beautiful mold of shimmering strawberry Jell o garnished with cherries and pears. And it tastes every bit as good as it looks. For strawberry Jello is packed full of delicious, extra rich fruit flavors. All six of Jello's delicious flavors have that extra rich fruit flavor too, which makes every Jell O dessert a triumph every time. So ask your grocer for the one and only genuine Jello.

[Jack Benny]

This is the last number of the ninth program in the new Jell O series. We're with you again next Sunday night at the same time. Say, Mary, isn't it funny how nice and smooth the car runs when you and I are all alone in it?

[Mary Livingston]

Yeah, that's always the way.

[Jack Benny]

Oh, darn it. Another flat. Fix it, Mary.

[Mary Livingston]

Now it's your turn.

[Jack Benny]

That's right. Good night, folks. J E L L Kenny Baker has.

[Phil Harris]

Appeared on this program through courtesy of Mervyn leroy Productions. The melody Mama that Moves In Again is from the big broadcast of 1938. And Sweet Samoan is from Love and Hissing.

[Jack Benny]

This is the national broadcasting cover.

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