
Jimmy Durante - Garry Moore 44-07-21 041 2nd Song - Umbriago
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Gary Moore
We have big feelings for Fridays. Is it because Fridays also mean free fries at McDonald's? Free McDonald's fries. It's okay if you need a minute. Free fries Friday. Get free medium fries with any $1 purchase now. The one time on Fridays through 1231 25. Appetite. Spend McDonald's excludes tax. Must opt into reports. Here's the Comedy Caravan, a rebroadcast for you men and women in the armed forces of the United Nations. Starring Jimmy Durante and Gary Moore.
Jimmy Durante
With songs by Georgia Gibbs and music.
Gary Moore
By Roy Bargi and his orchestra. The Bargi men open the show with.
Jimmy Durante
One of the season's top tunes. Hit it.
Gary Moore
Roy.
Georgia Gibbs
Sask, our co star, Gary Moore.
Gary Moore
Was voted the outstanding New Comedian of the Year. And it's with great pleasure and humble gratitude that we now bring you the man who cast the deciding vote, Gary Moore. Thank you, Howard Petrie. And good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Well, Gary, I'm proud of you. Yes, I am too, Howard. I'd give a celebration dinner at my house tonight, except for one thing. I've got nobody to cook it. Well, wait. What happened to that butler you had? The one who used to be a prize fighter? Howard? I had to let him go. Every time the bell rang, he'd come in and sit in the corner. Every night he'd serve cauliflower. But this morning. This morning I answered an ad that I saw in the paper. What does the ad say? Housekeeping position. Wanted in small home by young woman with large backyard.
Jimmy Durante
I certainly.
Gary Moore
I certainly hope that she shows up. Oh, gee, maybe that's her now. Oh, gosh, I hope she likes me. Come in.
Matilda
How do you do?
Gary Moore
How do you. How do you do? I'm Gary Moore.
Matilda
Well, don't worry about it. They're releasing penicillin soon.
Gary Moore
Oh, I'm gonna love her. I don't like to fly into your affairs, madam, but would you mind telling me what your last job was?
Matilda
I was housekeeper for Cary Grant, but I quit on account of the cooking and cleaning.
Gary Moore
Really?
Jimmy Durante
Yes.
Matilda
I didn't like the way he did it.
Gary Moore
Matilda, I want you to know that I do a great deal of entertaining myself. Do you think you'd object to my company?
Matilda
Well, I might go to the movies with you, but I won't neck in the balcony.
Gary Moore
There's only one thing to do. Matilda, my dear, I'm not just offering you a job. I'm offering you my hand. A clean one, too. I can see our wedding now. You standing in your little washtub and I standing in my little washtub It'll be a double ring ceremony. Can't you hear me saying, matilda, my dear, I promise to love, honor and scrub the bathroom once a week. And who knows? Perhaps in a year or two or three, we may open our broom closet and find a little moppet.
Matilda
No, Mr. Moore. Or may I call you Garrison?
Jimmy Durante
Yes.
Matilda
I would love to hang my dishwag next to yours. I would love to run my fingers through your Brillo. It'll make me the happiest girl in the world to marry you. But there's just one little thing.
Gary Moore
What is it, dear?
Matilda
Can we be married on Wednesday?
Gary Moore
Why?
Matilda
Because I take every Thursday off.
Gary Moore
Get out of here. What a short honeymoon. So let's say hello to that servant of the people and presidential candidate Jimmy Durante, in person.
Jimmy Durante
I start off each day with a song.
Gary Moore
Oh, now you're singing it, Jimmy.
Jimmy Durante
Now, even when things go wrong. Yeah, Jim Durant. Now you feel better. You even look better. What a romantic note. The Yashas will now pass amongst you and pick up the women who have swooned.
Gary Moore
Oh, James, my boy. You're always the great lover.
Jimmy Durante
He knows me, you know. Junior, at home I've got two barrels full of mash notes.
Gary Moore
From women?
Jimmy Durante
No, from potatoes. I've got a million of them. A million of them.
Gary Moore
Well, I'm glad to see that you're so exuberant tonight.
Jimmy Durante
Yes, but what an experience I had this morning. I was dressed in the height of fashion. Wearing my English drape suit, I sashayed into my campaign headquarters. I gets into the elevator and said, eighth floor, please.
Gary Moore
You said, eighth floor, please.
Jimmy Durante
Mr. Moore, you have added nothing to the conversation. I said, eighth floor, please. And what does the guy do? He takes me halfway up to the eighth floor. Then he takes me down again. He takes me halfway up to the eighth floor, and again he takes me down. So I said, listen, buddy, what's the idea of Take me halfway up and down. Halfway up and down. Why don't you take me up to 8? And he says, I am. I'm doing it the hard way. Two fours. I got even with the guy. I walked up.
Gary Moore
Jimmy, it's a shame you had to leave the Chicago convention before it was over. But how were things while you were out there?
Jimmy Durante
Oh, consequential. I went to Chicago a day ahead of time in order to get good hotel accommodation.
Gary Moore
I suppose you found a room on the north side with the police and the lake?
Jimmy Durante
No, I had a room on the south side with a breeze from the stockyard. Fortunately, I had a room without windows.
Gary Moore
You certainly must have had a time of it, Jimmy. I read that the heat out there was terrific.
Jimmy Durante
You're telling me. Why. One night it was so unbearable that I had to get down to the kitchen of the hotel and sleep in the icebox. I overslept, and the next day was I humiliated.
Gary Moore
What happened?
Jimmy Durante
I was a frozen dessert on the 60 cent lunch.
Gary Moore
And now we take you to those communities where our seal test dealers are this week featuring half sherbet, half Durant.
Jimmy Durante
I'm sorry to say that's my boy who said that. But that's neither Cresta nor Blanca. You know, Junior, most of the important business of convention is done in the cloakroom. So I poked my head and Aaron.
Gary Moore
And what happened?
Jimmy Durante
They hung 14 top coats and one umbrella on my schnozzola. I looked like Father McGee's closet with legs.
Gary Moore
What you should have done. What you should have done is wait until the whole party gathered into a caucus.
Jimmy Durante
A what?
Gary Moore
A caucus. Caucus? Haven't you ever heard of a caucus?
Jimmy Durante
Sure, a caucus. Something you stick into a bottle of scotch. Jeremy, you're a character. Well, anyway. Anyway, I got my delegates together that night so I could make all the plans for our party. Everything was going smoothly until the delegates wanted two women to join the party. I argued and I argued and as usual, I lost.
Gary Moore
What happened?
Jimmy Durante
I got stuck with the fat one. She was a stout fellow.
Gary Moore
Jimmy. Jimmy, you shouldn't speak that way. Of American womanhood. Someday we might even have a woman for president.
Jimmy Durante
That will never happen. Junior, you know, in order to be president, a person has to be over 40.
Gary Moore
What difference does that make?
Jimmy Durante
Where are you gonna find a dame who'll admit she's over 40? However, a woman can run for Congress.
Gary Moore
Woman in Congress? What for, Jimmy? After all, they've already got a speaker in the House. Speaker in the House? Don't you get it?
Jimmy Durante
I got it, Mr. Moore, but I suggest you call for it within 30 days. But, Junior, the people I want to get on my side are the future voters. The kids. So what did I do? I went to the greatest child psychologist in the world.
Gary Moore
Who?
Jimmy Durante
Umbrellago. He says, jimmy, to get the kids on our side, you gotta give them what they want. He said, let's build a pipeline from California to New York that'll carry nothing but marshmallow sundaes. A brilliant idea. So I built the pipeline. But I'll never listen to that umbrellago again.
Gary Moore
Why? What happened?
Jimmy Durante
The pipeline broke in Missouri and now half of St. Louis is gooey. Now, you know that you can't go wrong if you start off each day.
Gary Moore
Roy Bary in the orchestra now, and a tuneful salute to Jimmy Durante's famous playmate, Umbriago.
Jimmy Durante
Mr. Boggy. Mr. Boggy, I want to thank you for playing my song Umbreago, of your own free will. What a sentiment. What a tribute. What do I owe you? Which is neither hitter, fitter nor amok. Tell us, junior, what's on top in the culture corner tonight?
Gary Moore
Well, James, I'm happy to say that we've gotten a certain amount of mail asking that I repeat certain poems, stories and songs that I first presented on this show. So I've collected the more choice items into a crummy little symposium that I shall delve into from time to time and start right tonight with my favorite animal story, the story of a glow worm named Elsa.
Jimmy Durante
Sounds fascinating. I'll shove an olive bottle between my teeth and listen with Mount A J.
Gary Moore
Well, I thought you ought to know about Elsie, for Elsie was a glowworm, nothing more and nothing less. But then it pains me to say it, Elsie was just a little bit screwy. While all the other lady glowworms were sitting at home making a plan for a man, Elsie was out making passes at the mast. Every evening she would wriggle her little body to the top of an anthill and just sit there, glowing like everything. First she'd glow pink, then she'd grow yellow, then green, then mauve. And on the 4th of July she'd just knock herself out, glowing red, white and blue. One day, along came a fine fuzzy caterpillar, and he saw Elsie glowing ay, but he was a handsome thing, long green and fuzzy. When he saw Elsie, he stopped and his little heart went pitty pat, pity pat. It was love at first sight. And it isn't odd, you know, for a caterpillar to fall in love with the worms. So what is a caterpillar after all, but a worm with upholstery? And so they were quietly married and made themselves a nice little apartment in the toe of an old rubber booth. Every night, Elsie would sit in front of her dresser and glow green, red and purple all over. At times she would even go polka dots. And her husband loved her for it. One day, the inevitable happened. A little girl walked by wearing a plaid skirt and a G D LC idea. She didn't glow for days after that. She just sat quietly at home, eating her vitamin pills, building up strength. When she felt strong enough, she called her husband to her side and she said, roger, Roger, tonight I'm going to outdo myself tonight. I am going to glow plaid. And she huffed and she puffed and she glowed and she blew out a fume. Poor Elsie had overdone herself. When the doctor came, he said, elsie, if you want to go on living, you must never glow again. Just one small glow and you'll die as dead as dead. A tear came to Elsie's eye and she looked at the doctor and she looked at her husband and she glowed. And as she lay there dying, her poor heartbroken husband said, elsie, oh, Elsie, why did you do it? Why did you grow when the doctor told you not to? And Elsie looked him proudly in the eye and said, you forget, Roger, that I am an artist. And when I got a glow, I got a glow. Thank you very much, my friends. But from the ridiculous to the sublime is a short jump when you have on hand her nibs. Ms. Gibbs. Hiya, Georgia.
Georgia Gibbs
Hiya, Gary. We borrowed many things from our good friends in South America, not the least of which is the beguine. So I'm going to be a good neighbor tonight With a beguine called How Blue the Land along the day out blew the light made you away.
Gary Moore
How.
Georgia Gibbs
Strange it seems just living in dream I'm left in the moon but where did the moon go? The stars on high that Easter birds Are standing by for your return until my arms are holding you tight how big through my heart all through the night O Blam.
Jimmy Durante
Scientists entitled.
Gary Moore
Sir Isaac Newton dropped an apple out of a tree.
Jimmy Durante
Or butter fingers A comical antidote.
Georgia Gibbs
Thank you, James.
Gary Moore
Now, in tonight's play, you and I are scientists. So let us leave for the laboratory.
Jimmy Durante
Yes, I'll remove the shoes and tiptoe to the test tubes.
Gary Moore
Hello to Randy Moore, Laboratory Moore speaking.
Georgia Gibbs
Mr. Moore, I'm writing an article about contemporary science. Can you tell me something about yourself?
Gary Moore
Why, certainly, madam. Inform your readers that I performed the most daring experiment of all time. Tell them I am the bravest scientist in the world.
Georgia Gibbs
What did you do?
Gary Moore
I took Ceratan before I was 35. And remember, friends, 35 spelled backwards spells 53.
Jimmy Durante
Junior. Junior. Get ready for our greatest experiment. Look what I got in this basket.
Gary Moore
What?
Jimmy Durante
A boy squirrel, A girl squirrel, A boy squirrel, a girl squirrel, a boy squirrel, a girl squirrel, and a kangaroo.
Gary Moore
Wait a minute. What's a kangaroo doing among all those squirrels?
Jimmy Durante
They gotta have some place to hide their peanuts.
Gary Moore
That'll be a big help to science. I don't know about you, Professor Durante, but I'm tired of all this.
Jimmy Durante
Tired of what?
Gary Moore
For 10 long years. I've been locked in this laboratory for 10 long years. I haven't stepped out of this room. When will I be able to see my fellow man? When will I be able to walk the streets again?
Jimmy Durante
When.
Gary Moore
When I get my laundry bag.
Jimmy Durante
That's the conditions that prevail. Now, come on.
Gary Moore
Let's get to work. Now, we've. We've got to prepare the formula, right?
Jimmy Durante
You're talking to a formula man. First I take a little tnt, then some dynamite, a jigger of nitroglycerine, a pinch of salt, some more tnt, some more dynamite, another pinch of salt. Shake well. And believe me, I must have used too much salt. Professor, we failed again.
Gary Moore
Yes, James, it looks like we'll never make synthetic salami.
Jimmy Durante
Oh, no. No.
Gary Moore
Don't let them throw me in a test tube. You can't. Can't let them throw me in a test tube. Please.
Jimmy Durante
A doll.
Gary Moore
Let the throw.
Jimmy Durante
Need a test cube.
Gary Moore
Who are you? Oh, just a silly acid.
Jimmy Durante
You know, Junior. You know, Junior. He reminds me of a kindergarten teacher I slugged in Albuquerque.
Gary Moore
Jimmy. Jimmy, listen. Now, we. We've been failures all our lives, but I think I finally got a plan that'll make us world famous.
Jimmy Durante
Yes.
Gary Moore
Dr. Frankenstein created an artificial.
Jimmy Durante
Yes.
Gary Moore
Now, what's to prevent us from creating an artificial woman?
Jimmy Durante
An artificial woman? Why, that would be a scientific scoop.
Gary Moore
Yes. A woman made of clay with hair pasted on and held together by nuts and bolts.
Matilda
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
Jimmy Durante
Well, Lake Junior, someone beat us to it.
Gary Moore
Jimmy, please. That's our richest contributor, Mrs. Leadpenny.
Matilda
Oh, you. You didn't recognize. Since I've been taking those beauty treatments. Look at my eyes. Remember those crow's feet that used to be under them?
Gary Moore
Why, Mrs. Glad Petty, you've taught them a new step.
Jimmy Durante
That's very conga, isn't it? La conga.
Matilda
Gentlemen, I'm here on visit. Unless you do something important, I shall be forced to withdraw my support. I'm beginning to think you men know nothing about science.
Jimmy Durante
That's an assault to my battery. You just asked me anything about science. I took it up. And school.
Matilda
Very well. What is H2O?
Jimmy Durante
Maybe I should have gone back the second day.
Gary Moore
A world of good.
Matilda
And you, Mr. Moore, where have you been? What science cannot wait for laggards. Why, just the other day, a chemist startled the world by getting milk from a peanut. Milk from a peanut? Now, what do you say to that?
Gary Moore
He must have used an awfully low.
Jimmy Durante
St. You know, my boy's got brains. He never even used that.
Matilda
Does It I'm leading. And unless you come up with something successful, I shall have to ask you to turn in your rubber gloves. Good day.
Gary Moore
Jimmy. Jimmy, our work is cut out for us. We must create that artificial woman. If we do, we'll be the envy of every scientist.
Jimmy Durante
And sailors too. But, Junior, how do we go about creating a woman?
Gary Moore
Why, it's easy. Do you remember what Tipling said? He said a woman is a rag, a bone and a hank of hair.
Jimmy Durante
A rag, a bone and a hank.
Gary Moore
Yes, we must find them too sweet.
Jimmy Durante
Okay, you sweet and I'll toot.
Gary Moore
Jimmy. Jimmy, there's a clothesline full of clothes over there. I'll grab the first rag I lay my hands on. There. I've got it.
Jimmy Durante
Wait a minute. That's no rag.
Gary Moore
Well, it will be when we cut off the legs and sew up the flap.
Jimmy Durante
Well, Junior. Well. Well, we got the rag. Now I'll search for the bone. There's a bone over there. That cocker spaniel's gonna hate me in the morning.
Gary Moore
Good word, Jimmy. But tell me, after you got the bone, why didn't you lick the dog's face?
Jimmy Durante
Why not? He was patting me on the head.
Gary Moore
Let's do down a one to go. All we need now is a hank of hair. Well, Jimmy, we shouldn't have much trouble finding a hank of hair in this beauty parlor.
Jimmy Durante
Junior, sharpen your scissors. Look who's sitting in that chair is Mrs. Leadpenny.
Gary Moore
Mrs. Leadpenny. Well, in that case, we don't need any scissors. Hand me that fishing pole. Come on, baldy.
Jimmy Durante
Now, back to the laboratory. Junior. Our artificial woman is all put together. Now all we have to do is throw on the switch and bring her back to life.
Gary Moore
Yes. I hope this works.
Jimmy Durante
Well, here goes, Junior. She's starting to move.
Gary Moore
Violets are fluttering.
Jimmy Durante
Her lips have quivering.
Gary Moore
She's getting ready to speak. What will be the first word she will utter on this earth? Speak. O ar official woman.
Jimmy Durante
Speak.
Georgia Gibbs
Super shot.
Jimmy Durante
Super shot.
Georgia Gibbs
Pop for super shot.
Jimmy Durante
Everybody wants to get into the act.
Gary Moore
Her nib. It's Ms. Gibbs. Hiya, Georgia.
Georgia Gibbs
Hiya, Gary. You know, generally speaking, all songs are written about the same thing. Kids call it pitching woo. Grown ups call it love. And the Spanish, they call it amor. Amor. Amor Amore. This word so sweet that I repeat means I adore you. You, my love. Would you deny this heart that I have placed before you? I can find another word with meaning so clear. My lips try to whisper Whisper sweeter things in your ear. But somehow or other nothing sounds quite so dear as this Alkaressi word I know a moon, my moon when you're away There is no day and night Follow me, my love make life divine say you be mine and love me I can't find another word with me My lips try to whisper sweeter things in your ear but somehow or other nothing sounds quite so dear as this soft caressing word I know my love make life divine say you be mine and love me.
Gary Moore
Lovely Georgia, Lovely Now, Jimmy, Jimmy, listen. If. If you would write a song like that instead of fooling around with that unfinished symphony of yours.
Jimmy Durante
A speech spoken in haste. Would you believe it? Junior took my symphony down to a music publisher and I knew sooner stepped into his office when he gave me two orders.
Gary Moore
Really?
Jimmy Durante
Yeah. Get out and stay out. Mr. D. Good night, Mr. Mo.
Gary Moore
Good night, everybody.
Jimmy Durante
Good night, folks.
Georgia Gibbs
It sa.
Gary Moore
This is the Armed Forces Radio server.
Jimmy Durante
It.
Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio - "Jimmy Durante - Garry Moore 44-07-21 041 2nd Song - Umbriago"
Release Date: February 28, 2025
Duration: Approximately 30 minutes
Featuring: Jimmy Durante, Gary Moore, Georgia Gibbs, Matilda
The episode titled "Jimmy Durante - Garry Moore 44-07-21 041 2nd Song - Umbriago" transports listeners back to the Golden Age of Radio. Hosted by Harold's Old Time Radio, this rebroadcast features the legendary duo Jimmy Durante and Gary Moore, accompanied by Georgia Gibbs and Roy Bargi's orchestra. The show is dedicated to entertaining men and women in the armed forces of the United Nations, blending comedy, music, and light-hearted storytelling.
The episode kicks off with Gary Moore introducing the Comedy Caravan while humorously promoting a fictitious "Free Fries Friday" deal at McDonald's (00:01). This playful advertisement sets a jovial tone for the evening.
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Jimmy Durante joins the conversation, highlighting the show's musical elements and setting the stage for the night's entertainment (00:25).
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A humorous dialogue unfolds between Gary Moore and Jimmy Durante, where Gary shares his dilemma of hosting a celebration dinner without a butler. This leads to an amusing encounter with Matilda, a potential housekeeper who formerly worked for Cary Grant.
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Their witty banter about marriage proposals and housekeeping duties adds a delightful comedic layer to the show.
Jimmy Durante humorously narrates his fictitious presidential campaign experiences in Chicago. From battling faulty elevators to dealing with overcrowded coatrooms, Durante's storytelling is filled with classic comedic timing and playful self-deprecation.
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The segment concludes with Durante's humorous take on political conventions and delegate dynamics.
Georgia Gibbs delivers an enchanting performance, borrowing elements from South American music. Her rendition of "How Blue the Land" captivates listeners with its melodic charm and lyrical depth.
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Gary Moore introduces a whimsical animal story about Elsa, a glowworm with artistic flair, highlighting themes of love and creativity. The narrative explores Elsa's passionate glow and the consequences of her artistic endeavors, blending storytelling with moral undertones.
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In a humorous take on scientific experimentation, Gary Moore and Jimmy Durante engage in a playful skit about creating an artificial woman. Their bungled attempts, filled with slapstick humor and witty exchanges, parody classic science fiction tropes.
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The skit reaches its peak with the animated creation coming to life, leading to further comedic developments.
The comedic narrative takes a turn when Mrs. Leadpenny, a wealthy contributor, confronts the duo about their scientific endeavors. Her sharp critique adds tension and satire to the show, emphasizing the challenges faced by unconventional scientists.
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The episode wraps up with another musical piece by Georgia Gibbs, followed by a brief exchange between Gary Moore and Jimmy Durante. Gibbs concludes the show with heartfelt lyrics, bringing the evening to a harmonious close.
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The episode ends with a brief announcement thanking the Armed Forces Radio Service, maintaining the show's dedication to its intended audience.
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Conclusion: This episode of Harold's Old Time Radio masterfully blends humor, music, and storytelling, capturing the essence of radio's golden era. Through the dynamic interactions between Jimmy Durante and Gary Moore, complemented by Georgia Gibbs' melodic contributions, listeners are treated to an entertaining and nostalgic journey. Notable segments like the presidential campaign antics, the whimsical glowworm story, and the comedic science skit stand out, offering both laughter and light-hearted reflection.
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This summary encapsulates the multifaceted entertainment offered in the episode, ensuring both existing fans and new listeners can appreciate the charm and wit of Harold's Old Time Radio.