Jimmy Durante Show - 44-12-22 Christmas Show

Summary

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Harold's Old Time Radio

Episode: Jimmy Durante Show – 44-12-22 Christmas Show

Released: December 23, 2025
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio (featuring the classic 1944 cast)

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Episode Overview

This episode takes listeners back to the Golden Age of Radio with a holiday-themed airing of The Jimmy Durante Show’s 1944 Christmas special. With a blend of sparkling banter, comic sketches, musical numbers, and warm holiday wishes, Jimmy Durante, Gary Moore, Howard Petrie, and guest Ms. Florabelle Farcel (Mrs. Wortle Birdle) deliver an hour of heartfelt laughter and seasonal cheer. Advertisements and musical interludes evoke WWII-era America, complete with a salute to servicemen and a blend of slapstick and sentimental moments.

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Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Opening Banter and Christmas Spirit

• [00:34–02:30]
  • Gary Moore welcomes listeners and exchanges holiday quips with Jimmy Durante and Howard Petrie.
  • Moore cracks jokes about electric toasters as gifts and the challenges of Christmas shopping, especially for famed actress Betty Grable.
  • Quote:
    • "Tomorrow night, I'd better butter myself. And believe me, how you know, Christmas shopping is a problem." (Gary Moore, [01:59])

2. Mrs. Wortle Birdle/Florabelle Farcel’s Comic Interlude

• [02:30–04:14]
  • Mrs. Wortle Birdle bursts in to boast about passing her driving test, sparking a comedy routine about automobiles.
  • Quote:
    • "I just kept my hand on the wheel, my foot on the brake, my eye on the road and my nose out the window." (Mrs. Wortle Birdle, [03:21])

3. Durante and Moore’s Christmas Presents Swap

• [04:20–07:26]
  • Traditional comedy routine: Jimmy and Gary swap gifts—an electric train and a bottle of "Oldie Cloney" (with a fragrance of "10 nights in a drainage canal").
  • Jimmy's joke about always receiving back the presents he gives his girlfriend, Elsie Pepperpool.
  • Quote:
    • "I gave her something I can use because every year she gives the presents back to me. You know, I looked awful silly last year wearing those pink lace panties." (Jimmy Durante, [06:34])

4. World War II Hollywood Christmas Shopping Follies

• [07:26–10:26]
  • Jimmy recounts his chaotic department store run for last-minute gifts:
    • Turtleneck sweater for his uncle, a real live puppy ("that goes woof woof woof"), and a ten-foot Christmas tree.
    • Crossing the street becomes an epic comedy of errors.
  • Memorable Sequence:
    • Jimmy meticulously recounts repeatedly putting down and picking up his gifts while wrestling with red lights and crowd chaos.
    • Quote:
      • "At last, the light turns green. Ready to cross. I looks at the puppy. I looks at the tree. Now I gotta wait for the puppy... I'm standing there whistling Jingle Bells between clenched teeth..." (Jimmy Durante, [09:02])

5. The Music and Variety Segment

• [10:38–13:45]
  • Roy Boggy & Orchestra perform Toy Trumpet (Raymond Scott).
  • Quick quip:
    • "19 men blowing into one trumpet. They must know each other very well." (Jimmy Durante, [13:45])

6. Holiday Song: “White Christmas” – Comedy Style

• [15:01–18:23]
  • Gary Moore offers a parody version, mixing melodrama and wordplay.
  • "Stephanie Hootknacker" comes in for a wildly exaggerated holiday romance story featuring lost teeth and mistaken snow shovels.
  • Quote:
    • "And you bit out I love you on the handle of my snow shovel... You were my little snowflake and I was your vitamin flint heart." (Gary Moore, [16:50])

7. Holiday Greetings to Absent Colleagues

• [18:23–19:26]
  • With singer Georgia Gibbs away sick, the orchestra dedicates a song to her, “There Goes That Song Again.”

8. Durante’s “Music Teaching” & Camel Jingles

• [19:26–20:25]
  • Jimmy teaches “music” to glamorous Hollywood starlets and weaves in another musical cigarette jingle:
    • "C A M E L S from Boston to Sardinia Camels of smoke that show it to win you." (Jimmy Durante, [19:53])

9. Zany Zoo Sketch: The Six-Legged Octopus

• [20:33–26:22]
  • Jimmy and Gary (as zoo caretakers) receive a request from Mrs. Wortle Birdle for a “six-legged octopus” as a Christmas present.
  • Comedy ensues:
    • Encountering a moose (“would you care to join me in a cup of moose milk?”), treating a giraffe with a sore throat, and tending to an ailing ostrich.
    • The duo “sail the seven seas” to find the rare creature, only to be caught by it in a slapstick twist.
    • Quotes:
      • "Why, I have three sisters and they never have anyone to take them dancing." (Mrs. Wortle Birdle, explaining the need for an octopus with six legs, [26:22])
      • "I beg to differ. The six legged octopus has caught us." (Jimmy Durante, [25:43])

10. Wartime Salute: “Yank of the Week”

• [26:37–27:26]
  • Tribute to Sgt. Robert E. Paris (medical aid, 45th Thunderbird Division, awarded Silver Star).
  • The show sends 400,000 Camel cigarettes to U.S. troops in his honor.

11. Warm Closing Holiday Wishes

• [27:26–28:12]
  • The cast jokes about what they’ll bring for an imaginary cast Christmas dinner (varied bottles of wine and a “bottle opener” from Jimmy).
  • Quote:
    • "Before we leave here, Jimmy and I and the whole gang want to send to each one of you our warmest wishes at this Christmas time. May we join you in the hope that next Christmas we'll find our family circles together once more." (Gary Moore, [27:54])

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Notable Quotes & Moments with Timestamps

• Jimmy Durante on Christmas shopping chaos:
  • "The street is amok with vehicles and automobiles too. So I figures out that if I go through the back door of every car, I'll be on the other side of the street before you can say shadrach me shack and umbriago." ([09:05])
• Mrs. Wortle Birdle on her driving test:
  • "Your nose out the window? Yes, the policeman's horse sat between us." ([03:27])
• Gary Moore’s mock melodrama:
  • "You smiled and I saw your teeth. Your teeth were like pearls... you smiled too wide and the string broke." ([16:56])
• Jimmy Durante's classic sign-off gag:
  • "I'll bring a bottle opener." ([27:48])

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Musical Highlights

• Roy Boggy & Orchestra perform Toy Trumpet ([10:52])
• Offbeat renditions of "White Christmas" by Jimmy Durante and Gary Moore ([04:34], [15:16])

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Wartime & Sponsor Segments

• Frequent plugs for Camel cigarettes, delivered with musical jingles woven into sketches.
• Salute to military personnel and notes on sending free cigarettes overseas to troops ([26:37], [27:07]).
• Period-accurate advertisements for Christmas gift ideas like Prince Albert tobacco ([28:59]).

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Summary Flow and Nostalgic Charm

This episode is a time capsule — a brisk, joke-filled, and musical hour, suffused with hope, warmth, and community spirit, reflecting how Americans embraced radio as a family hearth in the 1940s. The cast’s zany rapport, especially between Durante and Moore, is the heart of the show, tied together by Mrs. Wortle Birdle’s loopy interjections and Howard Petrie’s stately narration. The wartime context and sincere holiday wishes ground the comedy, serving both as entertainment and morale-lifting connection.

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Recommended Listening Segments:

• [07:26–10:26]: Jimmy Durante’s Christmas shopping saga
• [15:16–18:23]: Gary Moore’s melodramatic “White Christmas”
• [20:33–26:22]: The Zoo sketch and the hunt for a six-legged octopus
• [27:54–28:12]: Warm closing holiday wishes

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For listeners seeking a blend of “old-time” radio comedy, music, and classic Christmas camaraderie, this episode perfectly captures the lighthearted spirit of wartime America during the holidays — with enough laughs, gags, and heart to warm any December night.

Transcript

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[Gary Moore]

Hello, this is Gary Moore speaking.

[Jimmy Durante]

Hello, Junior. This is Jimmy.

[Gary Moore]

Jimmy Durante.

[Howard Petrie]

Where are you?

[Jimmy Durante]

At McGyrl's house. And it's awful. When I left for New York two weeks ago, she weighed 150 pounds. Now she weighs 200.

[Gary Moore]

You mean she's gained 50 pounds in the interim?

[Jimmy Durante]

Yes, and on the outer rim, too. C a m e l camel cigarettes.

[Howard Petrie]

Present jimmy durante and gary moore. Yes, it's the Friday night Camel Show. Gary Moore, Jimmy Durante, Roy Boggy and his orchestra, and yours truly, Howard Petrie. Brought to you by Camel. The cigarette that's first in the service according to actual sales records. See if your throat and your taste don't make Camel at first with you too. Find out for yourself. And now, friends, it's my privilege to introduce the sweetest, kindest, most generous man I know. I've said that for many Christmases past, and I say it now for the present. Ah, well, Skipper, here he is, Gary Moore.

[Gary Moore]

Well, thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. My friends. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. May I be the first to wish you a very happy eve before the Eve before the Eve before Christmas. And by the way, Howard, I want to thank you for that nice heating pad you gave me.

[Howard Petrie]

Oh, Gary, that wasn't a heating pad. That was an electric toaster.

[Gary Moore]

Electric toe. No wonder I kept popping out of bed all night. Tomorrow night, I'd better butter myself. And believe me, how you know, Christmas shopping is a problem. This year, for instance, I couldn't think of a thing to give to Betty Grable. After all, she's got so much already. And like I say, I couldn't think of anything she needed. So I walked around, walked around and looked in all the windows.

[Howard Petrie]

Well, what was the result?

[Gary Moore]

Harry James came out and said, quit looking in our windows. I was so embarrassed, I almost dropped my periscope. But let me tell you, Howard, that I was.

[Ms. Florabelle Farcel / Mrs. Wortle Birdle]

Oh, There you are, Mr. Moore, you lovely man.

[Gary Moore]

Looks like I'm getting my turkey early this Year. How are you, Mrs. Wortle? Birdle.

[Ms. Florabelle Farcel / Mrs. Wortle Birdle]

Oh, please, Mr. Moore, don't be mean to me. Tonight I want to make a good impression. You see, my mother in law is out in front.

[Gary Moore]

She's out in front, Aunt. Well, those wartime girdles don't last forever. What, What. What is it that brings you here tonight?

[Ms. Florabelle Farcel / Mrs. Wortle Birdle]

My dear Mr. Mo, I have come to receive your congratulations.

[Announcer]

No.

[Ms. Florabelle Farcel / Mrs. Wortle Birdle]

I just took my automobile driving test and I am now a qualified California driver.

[Gary Moore]

Well, which are you? Qualified or a California driver? Can't be both, you know.

[Ms. Florabelle Farcel / Mrs. Wortle Birdle]

Say, listen, I was sensational in my test.

[Gary Moore]

Well, didn't it make you nervous to have a policeman sitting right on the front seat with you?

[Ms. Florabelle Farcel / Mrs. Wortle Birdle]

Not in the least. I just kept my hand on the wheel, my foot on the brake, my eye on the road and my nose out the window.

[Gary Moore]

Your nose out the window?

[Ms. Florabelle Farcel / Mrs. Wortle Birdle]

Yes, the policeman's horse sat between us. Oh, but Now I'm worried, Mr. Moore. I have my license. But I still don't really understand about cars. What actually makes an automobile go.

[Gary Moore]

Well, there are several things that make an automobile go, one of which was gasoline.

[Announcer]

But.

[Gary Moore]

But to really understand cars, Mrs. W. Go out and lift up the hood of your own car. Of course, first wiping off yesterday's pedestrians. And there, my dear, there, my dear, before your very eyes lies the engine. Just think how thousands of workmen have fashioned hundreds of pieces of metal to just one millionth of an inch so that when you start the engine, it'll knock till your teeth rattle.

[Jimmy Durante]

It's wonderful, isn't it, Samore?

[Ms. Florabelle Farcel / Mrs. Wortle Birdle]

That still doesn't answer my question.

[Gary Moore]

How does a car go? Oh, you don't want me to tell you that. Everybody knows that.

[Ms. Florabelle Farcel / Mrs. Wortle Birdle]

Well, I don't. So tell me, how does a car go?

[Gary Moore]

Having eased myself of that opinion, let's introduce that genius of his gener, the one and only Jimmy Di in person.

[Jimmy Durante]

You gotta start off each day with a song.

[Gary Moore]

Oh, sing it. Sing it, Jimmy.

[Jimmy Durante]

Now, even when things go wrong, use our greetings. Boy, Mike, you feel better? You even look better. I'm dreaming of a white Christmas heart B Crosby, if you're listening in, you better start saving your money.

[Gary Moore]

A hello, Jimmy.

[Jimmy Durante]

Hello, Junior.

[Gary Moore]

Merry Christmas, Jimmy.

[Jimmy Durante]

Merry Christmas, Junior. Some lousy necktie you gave me.

[Gary Moore]

Well, Jimmy, what. What have you been doing all week? Christmas shopping.

[Jimmy Durante]

Christmas shopping? Anybody who hasn't done their Christmas shopping before now has nothing above their ears. Well, just call me flat top.

[Gary Moore]

I. I shall. Jimmy. You know, I. I have a little present for you.

[Jimmy Durante]

It's.

[Gary Moore]

It's an electric train. Here, I'll show you how it runs. Isn't that swell? Jimmy, what happened?

[Jimmy Durante]

What happened? I thought I saw an empty seat. But, Junior, thanks for the present. And I didn't forget you. I bought you a nice bottle of Oldie Cloney. In fact, I'm wearing some of it now.

[Gary Moore]

Yes, it's fetching. What's the Name of it?

[Jimmy Durante]

10 nights in a drainage canal.

[Gary Moore]

10 nights in a drainage canal.

[Jimmy Durante]

What did you have to spend to get it? 10 nights in a drainage canal.

[Gary Moore]

That's very lovely, Janine. I think maybe a better name for it would be Fleur de Suir.

[Jimmy Durante]

Let that laugh be your Christmas present. Mr. Mill.

[Gary Moore]

You'Re getting awfully small presents this year. But tell me, Jimmy, did you get a present for your girlfriend, Elsie Pepperpool?

[Jimmy Durante]

Yes, I got Elsie an electric razor and some shaving lotion.

[Gary Moore]

A razor and shaving lotion for Elsie?

[Jimmy Durante]

Yes, Junior. I gave her something I can use because every year she gives the presents back to me. You know, I looked awful silly last year wearing those pink lace panties. I love that kind of carrying on. But that is neither Lionel Barry nor more. Last night I received an invitation to a special showing of my new MGM picture, Music for Millions. Oh, yes. And Junior, what a picture. What a cast. The stars of the picture were Margaret o', Brien, Herman Schwartz, Oz Iterby, Herman Schwartz, June Allison, Herman Schwartz, Jimmy Durante and Herman Schwartz.

[Gary Moore]

Wait a minute, Jimmy. Where does Herman Schwartz fit in the picture?

[Jimmy Durante]

The film was developed in his drugstore.

[Gary Moore]

Well, enough. Enough of your thespian activities. Tell me, Jimmy, are you going to play Santa Claus for the children again this year?

[Jimmy Durante]

No, Gary, I've had my lesson. Last year I was humiliated. Begun. Chagrin.

[Gary Moore]

You were begun Shiren. What? What happened?

[Jimmy Durante]

Well, that's Latin. If you don't like that.

[Gary Moore]

What happened?

[Jimmy Durante]

What happened?

[Gary Moore]

Yeah.

[Jimmy Durante]

Well, while I was wearing my Santa Claus suit, a little boy walked over, took one look at my schnoz and said, I've seen Santa Clauses before, but this is the first time I ever saw one wearing his pack in front.

[Gary Moore]

Christmas doesn't worry me, Jimmy. I've got all my shopping done.

[Jimmy Durante]

Me too, Junior. But what an experience I had in a Hollywood department store. At one counter, I buys a turtleneck sweater for my Uncle Joe, who has a turtleneck. At another counter, I buys a real live puppy that goes woof, woof, woof. And finally, I buys a 10 foot Christmas tree that fits exactly on my piazza. Just as I'm leaving the store, I hear the floor walker scream, Help.

[Announcer]

Help.

[Jimmy Durante]

Get me some water. So putting down the turtleneck sweater, the ten foot Christmas tree, and the real life puppy that goes woof woof woof, I rushes around, finds some water and gives it to the floor walker. Just in time too. One more second and this carnation would have died. My one good deed for the day being done, I picks up the turtleneck sweater, the ten foot Christmas tree, and the real live puppy that goes woof woof, woof. And heads from a car that's parked across the street. But can I cross? No. The light is red and I gotta wait. So I puts down the turtleneck sweater, the ten foot Christmas tree, and the real live puppy that goes woof woof woof. And waits. And waits. And waits. At last, the light turns green. Ready to cross. I looks at the puppy. I looks at the tree. Now I gotta wait for the puppy. Canine catastrophe. I'm standing there whistling Jingle Bells between clenched teeth when the light changes again. But is it green? No. Is it red? No, it's yellow. I'm fuming. And they're bringing in new colors. Not being able to outwit those double crossing lights, what do I do? I decide to employ strategy. The street is amok with vehicles and automobiles too. So I figures out that if I go through the back door of every car, I'll be on the other side of the street before you can say shadrach me shack and umbriago. Quick as a flash, I opens the door of the first car. How do you do? How do you do? How do you do? How do you do? Pardon me, sailor. My strategy works. And now I'm across the street on the sidewalk of victory. So putting down my turtleneck sweater, my ten foot three, and my puppy that goes woof woof, woof, I'm ready to continue to my car. When I looks around on Junior, I start fermenting all over again.

[Gary Moore]

What was wrong? You were on the sidewalk, weren't you?

[Jimmy Durante]

Yes, but I was on a sidewalk in Glendale.

[Announcer]

No.

[Jimmy Durante]

Now you know that you can't go wrong.

[Gary Moore]

And now, While the irrepressible Mr. Durante retires to his corner long enough for his seconds to revive him, Our distinguished colleague, Mr. Petrie steps to the center of the ring.

[Howard Petrie]

Thank you, Gary, for that. Distinguished. Because that is the adjective that really applies to the subject of my brief discourse. Camel cigarettes.

[Announcer]

What?

[Howard Petrie]

Camels bring to every smoker's taste and throat a distinguished blend of costlier tobaccos. And it's the rich, full flavor of these tobaccos and their cool mildness that distinguishes Camels from so many other cigarettes. So, folks, try Camels on your own. T Zone. That's T for taste and T for throat. The world's best proving ground for a cigarette. Camels, a distinguished blend of costlier tobaccos. As his Yuletide special, Roy Bargie presents his arrangement of Raymond Scott's toy trumpet.

[Jimmy Durante]

And that was Roy Boggin as 19 men playing the toy trumpet. 19 men blowing into one trumpet. They must know each other very well.

[Toyota Announcer]

Toyota Thon. Toyota Thon. Toyota Thon is on. Oh, what fun it is to drive a new Toyota. Hey, Jan from Toyota here reminding you Toyotathon is on. Make your holiday wishes come true with a new Camry RAV4 Tacoma and more. All right, let's sing it together this time. Toyota Thon. Toyota Thon. Toyota Thon is dealer.

[Gary Moore]

Inventory may vary.

[Announcer]

Toyota Thon ends January 5th. See your participating dealer for details. Toyota. Let's go places. Limu Gameo and Doug. Here we have the Limu Emu in.

[Jimmy Durante]

Its natural habitat, helping people customize their.

[Announcer]

Car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual.

[Jimmy Durante]

Fascinating.

[Announcer]

It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug.

[Jimmy Durante]

Limu is that guy with the binoculars watching us. Cut the camera.

[Announcer]

They see us. Only pay for what you [e-mail] Liberty Liberty.

[Jimmy Durante]

Liberty. Liberty Savings.

[Announcer]

Very unwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company and affiliates. Excludes Massachusetts.

[Jimmy Durante]

But enough of this 20 cazazzle and fiddly D. Junior. What have you in store for the culture corner tonight?

[Gary Moore]

Well, earlier tonight, James, you gave us your version of I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas. And I hardly think I should let the season go by without taking a crack at it myself. So stand back while I throw out my diaphragm.

[Jimmy Durante]

Very well. I shall run and get McCatches Mitt in case you throw it my way.

[Gary Moore]

Thank you, James. Maestro. I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.

[Announcer]

With.

[Gary Moore]

Every Christmas card I write.

[Howard Petrie]

I love.

[Gary Moore]

You passionately, Stephanie Hootknacker. Oh, I loved you, darling. And I shall never forget the night we met, my love. It was Christmas Eve and I was tramping through the crisp white snow when my foot slipped in a puddle of slush. I leaned over to clean off my shoes. There you were, my sweet. Ah, yes, there you were, angel, your lovely face nestled between my galoshes. I looked down at you ever so gently and said, hello there. But you were the shy type. All you could do was smile and blow snowballs. But ever so gently, ever so gently I took your hands and pulled you up and oh, what lovely hands you had Darling, what lovely hands. They looked positively Grecian. Like you'd been Grecian automobiles. And holding you from me, holding you from me at arm's length. I looked you over, lover, and I could tell you were the salt of the earth. Too bad I couldn't say much for your shaker. And ever so slowly, ever so slowly, darling, you smiled at me. Yes, you smiled and I saw your teeth. Your teeth were like pearls. And that was the trouble. You smiled too wide and the string broke. Oh, how we laughed, my darling. How we laughed as we fished through the snow straining your teeth through my handkerchief. Finally we found them. Yes, we found them. And you bit out I love you on the handle of my snow shovel. We could have been so happy, my darlings. You were my little snowflake and I was your vitamin flint heart. Now recall how upset our friends were when several months later they read in Winchell's column that we had. But we knew that we hadn't f. Ed at all. That noise was just me letting the air out of your head. Yes, we could have been happy. But then it happened. We had walked far out in the country and were crossing a frozen lake. Suddenly, the ice began to stir beneath our feet as if the angry waters resented our trespassing. With a groan like that of a wounded jungle beast the ice began to tear itself asunder. Look out, Stephanie. I feel the ice is breaking up.

[Jimmy Durante]

The ice is breaking down. Look out.

[Gary Moore]

Thank you, friends. With Georgia Gibbs still on the sick list in New York but very much in our hearts out here we've asked Roy Vargy to send the Christmas greeting of all of us to Georgia with a song that means a lot to her. There goes that song again. Georgia High. Sam.

[Jimmy Durante]

That was great, Mr. Boggy. You know, Junior, I teach music too. Yeah, every night I teach Lana Turner, Paulette Goddard, Bet Davis. Jimmy.

[Gary Moore]

Jimmy, they can't sing. Aren't you wasting your time?

[Jimmy Durante]

My boy is very young. But there's something I teach in all smokers. Listen. C A M E L S from Boston to Sardinia Camels of smoke that show it to win you.

[Howard Petrie]

Well, I'm no music critic, Jimmy, but the words are great. Camels have a way of winning people who try them. That rich, full flavor of Camel's magnificent blend of costlier tobaccos seems to click with people's taste the world around. And Camel's kind, cooled mildness seems to be mighty welcome to millions of throats. Look, all you folks, why don't you try Camels on your own? T Zone T for Taste and T for throat. It's the best place to find out which cigarette is best for you. And like those millions of people we were talking about, the answer may be.

[Jimmy Durante]

C A M E L S. Camels.

[Howard Petrie]

The cigarette of Costlier tobaccos.

[Jimmy Durante]

And now, the Friday night Camel show brings you a drama of animals in the zoo and the men who take care of them, entitled the Keeper Walked.

[Gary Moore]

Into the Hungry Lion's cage Today and Accidentally Turned his back.

[Ms. Florabelle Farcel / Mrs. Wortle Birdle]

Or, Sorry, the lion is busy.

[Jimmy Durante]

Remarks like that will make us candidates for oblivion.

[Gary Moore]

Jimmy. Jimmy, tonight you and I are caretakers in a zoo. Have you had any experience with wild animals?

[Jimmy Durante]

What a question. Why? You're speaking to the foremost train of hippopota pusses.

[Gary Moore]

The word is hippopotamus. How can you train a hippopotamus if you can't even say his name?

[Jimmy Durante]

What's the difference? He can't say my name either.

[Gary Moore]

Comes out of here. Well, come on, Jimmy. We're due at the zoo. Let's shuffle over there.

[Jimmy Durante]

You shuffle. I just dealt you.

[Gary Moore]

Hello. More to Ratty zoo.

[Ms. Florabelle Farcel / Mrs. Wortle Birdle]

More speaking, Mr. Moore, this is a children's day nursery. Did you call us this morning?

[Gary Moore]

Why, yes, I did. We want you to take care of a baby kangaroo for us.

[Ms. Florabelle Farcel / Mrs. Wortle Birdle]

Why can't the mother carry the baby in a pouch?

[Gary Moore]

Well, she drank some Coca Cola this morning and can't keep a thing on her stomach. Trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble, trouble.

[Jimmy Durante]

Hold everything, junior. Hold everything. Treachery stalks my pat.

[Gary Moore]

What's the matter, Jimmy?

[Jimmy Durante]

I just had a horrible experience. I walks into the moose cage and the mama moose comes charging down on me. So I grabbed her by the horns.

[Gary Moore]

But a mama moose doesn't have any horns.

[Jimmy Durante]

I know. Would you care to join me in a cup of moose milk?

[Gary Moore]

No. No, thank you, Jimmy. I've had enough trouble of my own. I knew giraffes developed a sore throat and I had to call up Dr. Rapoport to come over and swab it.

[Jimmy Durante]

Yes, I noticed a big swelling in the giraffe's throat. What is that, a swollen gland?

[Gary Moore]

That's Dr. Rapoport. Still swabbing. But that's not our only problem, Jimmy. Our pet ostrich is in a deplorable condition. Her neck is scrawny, her eyes are popping out, her feathers are molting.

[Jimmy Durante]

Maybe we better go over and see the ostrich.

[Ms. Florabelle Farcel / Mrs. Wortle Birdle]

Oh, there you are, gentlemen.

[Jimmy Durante]

Too late. The ostrich came to see us.

[Ms. Florabelle Farcel / Mrs. Wortle Birdle]

I beg your pardon. I'm Ms. Florabelle Farcel. I came in here to buy an unusual Christmas present for my family. You see, my family collects odd things.

[Gary Moore]

You must have been a great addition to their collection.

[Ms. Florabelle Farcel / Mrs. Wortle Birdle]

Gentlemen, I want to buy my family an octopus for Christmas.

[Jimmy Durante]

Octopus?

[Ms. Florabelle Farcel / Mrs. Wortle Birdle]

Yes, and I want the kind of octopus that has only six legs. It's very rare.

[Gary Moore]

A six legged octopus? Well, that's the rarest species there is. It's known as the Octopoda Punctatus Borcellat.

[Jimmy Durante]

Octopoda punctatus. Everybody wants to get into the act.

[Ms. Florabelle Farcel / Mrs. Wortle Birdle]

Gentlemen, I want you to get this octopus for me. Even if you have to sail the seven seas.

[Gary Moore]

Very well, madam. Come on, Jimmy. We're off to the seven seas.

[Jimmy Durante]

Push the giblet way the captain and batten down the poop deck.

[Gary Moore]

Seaman Duranty. Seaman Durani, the ship isn't acting right. Are you sure you checked the fuel?

[Jimmy Durante]

Aye aye, sir. I just went down to the boiler room and filled the tanks with beer.

[Gary Moore]

You fill the ship's tanks with beer? Sure.

[Jimmy Durante]

Ain't this a schooner?

[Gary Moore]

I got a million of them. Oh, mate, mate, I don't think you should have shipped out with me. After all, I come from a long line of sea cat, Captain.

[Jimmy Durante]

You do?

[Gary Moore]

Why, my uncle was on board ship when Admiral Dewey said, you may fire Gridley when you are ready. Well, my uncle was ready, so. So he fired Gridley.

[Jimmy Durante]

Served them right. Well, skipper, it's getting pretty dark. We need some light to see our way.

[Gary Moore]

Yes, I'd better send up an orange flare. Uh, Seaman Petrie.

[Howard Petrie]

Aye aye, sir.

[Gary Moore]

I want you to send up an orange flare.

[Howard Petrie]

Send up an orange flare. I won't do it, I tell you.

[Gary Moore]

Throw me in the brig, put me on bread and water. But I won't. I won't send up an orange flare. Why not?

[Howard Petrie]

An orange flare and a green ocean.

[Gary Moore]

Why, they'd clash.

[Jimmy Durante]

You know, Gary, I'll get rid of that guy as soon as he finishes crocheting my hammock.

[Gary Moore]

Maybe. Maybe. We must be near the place where the six legged officers octopus is. We better take a sounding. Where's the lead?

[Jimmy Durante]

It's in my hip pocket.

[Gary Moore]

Get the lead out of your pocket and take a sounding.

[Jimmy Durante]

Avast.

[Gary Moore]

Maybe there's a storm a brewing. Now we'll never find a six legged octopus. Man overboard.

[Jimmy Durante]

Man overboard. What am I yelling for? It's me.

[Gary Moore]

Don't worry, Jimmy, I'll throw your lifesaver. Well, never mind. Now that I'm in here, I'll hand it to you. Gee whiz, Jimmy, isn't it dark? I. I can't see a thing.

[Jimmy Durante]

Don't worry, Junior, we'll save each other.

[Gary Moore]

Aw, Jimmy, I want to thank you for holding me up in the water this way.

[Jimmy Durante]

But Junior, I ain't holding you up in the water.

[Gary Moore]

Of course you are. You got your legs wrapped around me. Here's one leg. Here's two legs. Here's three legs. Here's four legs. Five legs. Jimmy, I think we've caught the six legged octopus.

[Jimmy Durante]

I beg to differ. The six legged octopus has caught us.

[Ms. Florabelle Farcel / Mrs. Wortle Birdle]

Come in. Oh, well, welcome back, gentlemen.

[Gary Moore]

Oh, well, welcome back yourself.

[Ms. Florabelle Farcel / Mrs. Wortle Birdle]

Oh, isn't it wonderful? But who is that you have with you? Oh, it's the octopus.

[Gary Moore]

Well, you're close. It's Mr. Durante.

[Jimmy Durante]

I should never have come out of the water.

[Gary Moore]

Ms. Farple, Ms. Farple, we have your six legged octopus outside. But before we bring it in, there's one thing we want to know.

[Ms. Florabelle Farcel / Mrs. Wortle Birdle]

Yes?

[Jimmy Durante]

You said you wanted it as a Christmas present for your family.

[Ms. Florabelle Farcel / Mrs. Wortle Birdle]

Yes.

[Gary Moore]

But why must it be an octopus.

[Jimmy Durante]

With only six legs?

[Ms. Florabelle Farcel / Mrs. Wortle Birdle]

Why, I have three sisters and they never have anyone to take them dancing.

[Jimmy Durante]

Thanks.

[Announcer]

To the Yanks of the week. Tonight, a salute and a Merry Christmas to Sergeant Robert E. Paris of Longmont, Colorado. This medical aid man with the 45th Thunderbird Division has won the Silver Star for his gallantry under heavy shelling in the Italian theater. In your honor, Sergeant Paris, the makers of Camels are sending to our fighters overseas 400,000 Camel cigarettes.

[Howard Petrie]

Each of the three camel shows honors a Yank of the week by sending free 400,000 Camel cigarettes overseas. A total of more than a million camels sent free each week in this country. The camel caravans traveling from camp to camp have thanked audiences of more than 4 million yanks with free shows and free camels.

[Jimmy Durante]

Now, who will be with you when I'm far away? When? Where? Let me hear that high note, maestro. What a note.

[Gary Moore]

A cheerful note.

[Jimmy Durante]

Mr. Durante, are you tight note, Mr. Moore.

[Gary Moore]

And Jimmy, if I had the proper refreshments in the store, I'd invite the entire cast up to my house for Christmas dinner.

[Howard Petrie]

Well, don't let that stop you, Gary. I'll bring a bottle of champagne.

[Ms. Florabelle Farcel / Mrs. Wortle Birdle]

Well, I'll bring a bottle of sparkling burgundy.

[Howard Petrie]

As for me, I'll bring a bottle of Sauternes.

[Gary Moore]

Well, Jimmy, what'll you bring?

[Jimmy Durante]

I'll bring a bottle opener.

[Gary Moore]

And friends, before we leave here, Jimmy and I and the whole gang want to send to each one of you our warmest wishes at this Christmas time. May we join you in the hope that next Christmas we'll find our family circles together. Once more, let our hearts be full of hope and our stockings full of war bonds.

[Jimmy Durante]

That's my boy. Who said that?

[Gary Moore]

Merry Christmas, Mr. Durante. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, everybody.

[Howard Petrie]

Camel broadcasts go out to the United States three times a week. Rebroadcast to our men overseas and to South America. Listen Monday to Bob Hawk in thanks to the Yanks, Thursday to Abbott and Costello. And next Friday listen to Georgia Gibbs, Roy Vargy and his orchestra.

[Jimmy Durante]

Yours truly, Howard Petrie and Jimmy Durani.

[Gary Moore]

And Gary Moore in.

[Howard Petrie]

And remember, try Camels on your throat and your taste. See for yourself how Camels mildness, coolness and flavor click with you.

[Announcer]

No matter how careful you are, those last minute names always seem to crop up on the gift list. Well, wipe that worried frown off your brow. Here's a swell idea for the men on your list. A big pound or half pound package of Prince Albert smoking tobacco with the bright Christmas band. Long after Christmas has come and gone, they'll enjoy your gift because men like Prince Albert's rich, full bodied yet mild flavor. And it's aged in the wood aroma and the way it packs, draws and burns and its wonderful tongue gentleness. Thanks to the no bite treatment. It's a swell Christmas present. Tomorrow, Saturday night, be sure to listen to Prince Albert's Grand Old opry. For nearly 19 years bringing the real authoritative American folk music and fun to Southern radio audiences. And now broadcast coast to coast. Remember Grand Old Opry every Saturday night on another that port.

[Howard Petrie]

And remember Camel cigarettes again. Present Jimmy Durante and Gary Moore next Friday night at this same time. This is cbs, the Columbia Broadcasting System.

[Announcer]

Knx, Columbia Square, Los Angeles.

[Toyota Announcer]

Toyota Thon. Toyota Thon. Toyota Thon is on. Oh, what fun it is to drive a new Toyota today. Hey, Jan from Toyota here reminding you Toyotathon is on. Make your holiday wishes come true with a new Camry, RAV4 Tacoma and more. All right, let's sing it together this time. Toyota Thon. Toyota Thon. Toyota Thon is dealer.

[Gary Moore]

Inventory may vary.

[Announcer]

Toyota Thon ends January 5th. See your participating dealer for details. Toyota, let's go places. I want a new beginning for family on January 9th.

[Jimmy Durante]

The sequel to Greenland is so massive.

[Gary Moore]

You have to see it on the big screen. I promise I'll get to safety.

[Announcer]

Starring Gerard Butler and Marina Beckerin.

[Gary Moore]

Oh, my God. Hang on.

[Howard Petrie]

Greenland 2 migration.

[Gary Moore]

Rated PG 13.