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Jimmy Durante Show - 47-12-24 Christmas Eve At Home
00:27:34
Jimmy Durante Show - 47-12-24 Christmas Eve At Home
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- [00:01]
A
Toyota Thon. Toyota Thon. Toyota Thon is on. Oh, what fun it is to drive a new Toyota today. Hey, Jan from Toyota here reminding you Toyotathon is on.
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B
Make your holiday wishes come true with a new Camry RAV4 Tacoma and more. All right, let's sing it together this time.
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A
Toyota Thon. Toyota Thon. Toyota Thon.
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B
Dealer inventory may vary. Toyota Thon ends January 5th. See your participating dealer for details. Toyota. Let's go places.
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C
Good health to all from Rexall. From hollywood, the jimmy durante show.
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B
Yes.
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C
10,000 Rexall drugs stores who carry the complete line of top quality Rex all drug products. Bring you the Jimmy Durante show with Peggy Lee, Arthur Treacher, Candy Candido, Roy Barley and his orchestra. Our Rexall sportscaster, Tommy Harmon. Yours truly, Howard Petrie. And our special guest tonight, MGM's great little star, Margaret O'. Brien. And here he is, ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Jimmy Durante in.
- [01:36]
B
You gotta start off the date with a song.
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D
Santa Claus, what's in that bag? Even when things go wrong, Santa, what's in that bag?
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B
You feel better? You even look better.
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D
Come on, Santa Claus, Please tell me what's in that bag.
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B
Please, Sonny, I've been telling you all day, this ain't no bag. It's my schnoz.
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C
Oh, Merry, Merry Christmas, Jimmy.
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B
A merry Christmas to you too, Mr. Petrie. Too bad your name ain't Michael. Then I could wish you a merry Michael. Miss. Oh, gosh, Jim.
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C
You sure have your troubles at Christmas time, don't you? I'll bet with all your political connections, it was sure tough selecting Christmas gifts for them.
- [02:16]
B
On the contrary, Howard. Yes. And my toughest job was pick. That's what it says on the paper. Don't get so smart. Christmas Eve and my toughest job was picking out a present for Henry Wallace. You see, two years ago, I gave a big Christmas party for Henry. And last year I gave him a second party. So this year I'm gonna get him a date with Jane Russell.
- [02:40]
C
A date with Jane Russell? Isn't that a strange gift for Henry Wallace?
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B
Don't be silly. Can you think of a better trade party? Ah, Duranty, if you weren't so pretty, you'd make a good comedian.
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C
Say, Jimmy. Say, suppose Wallace does organize a third party. Does it affect you and your campaign for the vice presidency?
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B
Not in the slightest, Howard. Not in the slightest. I'm a candidate on four other tickets. The Democrats, the Socialists, the Republicans and the Labor Party.
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C
You're a candidate on four different tickets?
- [03:15]
B
Certainly. Why be Half safe.
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C
Well, now, Jimmy, listen. If you want to insure your election, you'll have to give the people a plan to help the food conservation program.
- [03:27]
B
I've been working on the food problem, Howard, and I want to report. I bid 82. I bid 84. I'll make it 86. I'll make it 90. How do you like that? A guy walked in with a box of Wheaties and two grain speculators. Start bidding for it. Well, that's the conditions that prevail. But as I was saying, I've been working on the food problem, Howard. Last week I dug a hole in the backyard and planted some shrimp cocktail that was left over for dinner. Then I dug another hole and planted some leftover pea soup. And then I dug another hole and planted some leftover lamb chops. I watered it faithfully every day. And this morning, you know what came up?
- [04:06]
C
What?
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B
A gopher with a note that said, what's the matter? No dessert? But how food production can only be increased if we improve our national irrigation systems.
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C
Why, Jimmy, I'm glad you brought that up because there's a man here to see you from the United States Department of River.
- [04:29]
B
Well, what are we waiting for? Open the faucet and let him in.
- [04:32]
C
Well, here he is. Jimmy. Mr. Ripple, the commissioner of Rivers and Waterways.
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B
Nice to meet you, Mr. Ripple. Glad you dripped in. Now, tell me, sir, what seems to be your problem? Well, the United States needs more water. Well, why don't you make a tour around the country? You've given off a fine spray. While I did make a tour, I started by diving into the mouth of the Columbia river and swimming upstream to the headwaters. And what happened?
- [05:08]
C
Three salmon proposed to me.
- [05:12]
B
Them salmon will do anything to get away from Del Monte. But never mind the salmon. Mr. Ripple, when you're underwater, did you. Or do you ever see any pretty mermaids? Confidentially, how do you like them? Well, as a candidate for the vice presidency, naturally I'm interested in improving the Columbia River. Tell me, what can I do about it? What? A raptor. Swimming in it for three days. I've only got one thing to report. What? You know, I'm glad he left. I was going down for the third time.
- [06:03]
C
Say, just a minute here, Jimmy, I just noticed. What's that string tied around your finger?
- [06:07]
B
I'm glad you noticed, Howard. That string means there's somebody I forgot to get a present for.
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C
Gosh, Jimmy, was it President Truman?
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E
No.
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C
General Marshall?
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B
No.
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C
Princess Elizabeth?
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B
No. But you're getting warm. It's Umbriago. Merry Christmas. Happy New Year, Umbriago. How I love him. When I see a Christmas turkey, I think of him.
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A
He's a winner.
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B
And at Christmas I know he'll be late for dinner. He won't starve, by heck, he'll never leave a speck. He'll eat the turkey's neck. Don't stand near the mistletoe or you'll be kissed by Mr. Umbriago. Let me hear it. Merry Christmas. Happy New Year, Umbriago. Happy New Year, Umbriago. How I, ah, how I love that Umbriago. You know, last Christmas I remembered him. I sent them a brand new automobile with the latest invention on it. With this invention, if you're driving down the road and you see a lady driver coming towards you, you press a button, the car folds up and hides in the glove compartment. Don't stand near the mistletoe or you've been kissed by Mr. Umpo. If you want to be sure that the fraud is pure when you ask for a drug preparation, buy the Rex O line at the Rexella. A Rexall identification.
- [08:01]
C
Did you know that more than 2,000 different drug products carry the name Rexall? That's a big family indeed, and a highly respected one too. For in millions of American homes, the familiar name Rexall has come to mean the utmost in quality, purity and reliability. So for any and for all of your drug needs, always buy Rexall. Have confidence in what that name means. Quality, purity and reliability in drug products. Get them at Rexall drugstores throughout the nation where 25% of America buys its drug needs.
- [08:36]
B
If you want to be sure that the product is pure when you ask for a drug reparation, buy the Rexall line at the Rexall sign a Rexall identification.
- [08:48]
C
Good health to all from Rexall. Well, folks, just like all over the world, it's Christmas Eve in the Durante household. Let's peek in on Durante and preacher.
- [09:08]
B
I say, Mr. Duranty, sir, may I wish you a merry Christmas? Indeed you may. And a merry Christmas to you too. Treacher. Tell me, how did you like that sweater I gave you for Christmas? Don't spread this around, creature, but I knitted it myself. Oh, thank you, sir. It's a lovely sweater. It's quite cheesy. No, it's hee hee. I knit them different for women. I love that kind of carry of time. Now, Tommy, where's Peggy Lee and the rest of the game? They're all in the other rooms are opening their gifts. How did you make out this Christmas, sir? Broke even, gave tithes and got handkerchiefs. But look, I need your help. Margaret o' Brien will be here in a minute. Now, how can I get this ink stain out of my trousers? Oh, that's very simple, sir.
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C
Use this emery board.
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B
Just keep rubbing the emery board over the stain. And when the trousers commence to get light in color. Yes? Stop rubbing. That's you. When you were a baby, did your nurse ever drop you on your head? Oh, we couldn't afford a nurse. My mother had to do it. How about this tree, sir? Are you going to trim it? Not after what happened last year. Let me tell you about it. Last Christmas, full of the spirit of Noel, I'm all set to trim the tree. Yes. So with the tinsel in my right pocket, the peppermint canes in my left pocket, the silver bells in one hand, the box of dust that I'm using for snow in the other, and the popcorn ball dangling from my nose. I climbed up the ladder and I'm all set to trim the tree when I hear a strange noise in the kitchen. Descendant from the ladder, I puts down the tinsel, the peppermint canes, the silver bells, the box of dust I'm using for snow, and the popcorn ball dangling from my nose. I investigates and what is it? My cat wants to get out. I'm ready for Silent Night and she's ready for a fruit and a fighting and a fussing. She opens the door and off she goes to attend the big four meeting. Once more with the tinsel in my right pocket, the peppermint canes in my left pocket, the silver bells in one hand, the box of dust that I'm using for snow in the other, and the popcorn ball dangling from my nose. I goes up the ladder. I'm just about to take a sniff of oxygen, which keeps my nose from collapsing at high altitudes. And what happens? The telephone starts to ring. So I takes a step towards the phone. I should have come down off the ladder first, removing a sprig of hollyhock from the air. I picks up the phone and the voice says, hello, Guess who? Gently ripping the wires out of the wall once more, I goes up the ladder with the tinsel, the peppermint canes, the silver bells, the boxer does, and the popcorn ball dangling from my nose. And finally, after three hours, I got wires around my neck, wires in my pocket and wires in my hair. So I plugs a wire into the wall socket. And what happens? The tree blows a fuse, but my nose lights up. And you know something? It looked prettier than the Tree. Chicago 24, Milwaukee 57. Big Beer 36. What are you doing? Well, I didn't have any lines here, sir, so I thought I'd give a weather report. A whimsical bill of material. An old coward must be on his payroll. Oh, you go on with the treat, treats, or I'll answer the door. Well, Merry Christmas, Margaret.
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D
Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the.
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B
Way what a voice. Which Margaret is this, o' Brien or Truman? Why, it's Margaret o'. Brien.
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D
Merry Christmas, everybody. Gee, this is fun.
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B
Well, Margaret, you really got the Christmas spirit, haven't you?
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D
Oh, it's been wonderful, Jimmy. I've been out with a bunch of neighborhood kids singing Christmas carols.
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E
Yes.
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D
First we sang under Bob Hope's window and he threw us a quarter. Then we sang under Red Skelton's window and he threw us a quarter.
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B
Go on.
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D
Then all of his kids went over to Jack Benny's house.
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B
Did you sing for Mr. Benny? No.
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D
We split the money with him. He said of our union.
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B
Well, come on in, Margaret. You're always welcoming my humble chapeau.
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D
Thank you, Jimmy. And here's the present I brought for you. Open it up.
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B
Why, Margaret, this is the best of Kitty.
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D
You like it?
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B
Just what I wanted. A Mickey Mouse beauty kit.
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D
I wanted to give it to you, Jimmy, because I think you're beautiful.
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B
Would you say that again?
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D
I think you're beautiful.
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B
Ah. I gotta have this show transcribed. A thing like that should go on record.
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D
Merry Christmas, everybody.
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A
Hello there, Margaret.
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D
Hello, miss. Say, Jimmy, Peggy's standing under the mistletoe. Why don't you turn off the lights and steal a kiss?
- [14:26]
B
Thanks for the tip, Margaret. Here goes the lights. Pucker up, Peggy. There you are, sweetheart. How do you feel getting a real durani kiss? I'm feeling mighty low. What a blow. It's Candy Candido this much Woodsberry bride. He's lovely. He's engaged. He uses chicken fat. Now, come on, Margaret.
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A
Oh, Jimmy. Oh, look. Margaret's fallen asleep under the Christmas tree.
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B
How do you like that? This U tail is too much for her. Let her take a little snooze. Pleasant dreams. Margaret.
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D
Where am I? All this ice and snow and reindeer. Why, this is Santa Claus's home at the North Pole. And there he stands with his reindeer. Tell me, are you really Santa Claus?
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B
That's right, little girl. I'm Old St. Nick.
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D
Gee, Santa Claus, how old are you, anyway?
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B
Why, Margaret, Santa Claus lives since the beginning of the world. I guess I'm over 2000 years old.
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D
Gee, even older Than Al Jolson. Gee, I'm a lucky girl. Meeting Santa Claus and seeing all his reindeer.
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B
You know, Margaret, I didn't always use reindeer. On my first Christmas trip, I thought to deliver message. I thought I'd deliver presents on horseback. Some of my helpers tried to teach me to ride it. He said, when the horse goes down, you go up. And when the horse goes up, you go down. So I tried it. I got on the horse. When the horse went down, I went up. And when I came down, the horse was gone. Wait a minute. Was it that funny?
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D
Oh, no. Your beard's ticklingy.
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B
Oh, I see.
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D
But tell me, Santa, may I go with you to deliver the presents?
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B
You sure can, little girl. Just help me get the harness over these reindeer's horns. We gotta hurry, though. These reindeers can only wake eight hours a day. They're organized now.
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D
The reindeer are organized.
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B
That's right. Patrol makes anything with a horn join the union. But I've got to get dressed from a trip. Here, Margaret, take this Peggy Lee doll. It will sing for you while I'm putting my coat on.
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D
Oh, real Peggy Lee doll, isn't it? She beautiful. I'll wind it up and see if she can really talk. Thank you, Margaret.
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A
This song is just for you and Santa.
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B
Thanks, Dolly. Sing it for Margaret. And old Saint Nick.
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A
Just roasting on an open fire Jack Frost sniffing at your nose New Tide care being sung by a choir and folks dressed up like Eskimos Everybody know a turkey and some mistletoe Help to make the season bright. Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow Will find it hard to say good.
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B
Night.
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A
They know that Santa's on his.
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B
Way.
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A
He'S ordered lots of toys and goodies in his sleigh and every Mother's Day, this child is gonna spy.
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B
To.
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A
See if reindeer really know how to fly. And so I'm offering a simple praise for kids from home 1 to 92. Although it's been said many times, many.
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B
Way.
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A
Merry Christmas to you.
- [19:46]
F
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- [20:18]
B
And, Doug, here we have the Limu Emu in its natural habitat helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug Limu. Is that guy with the binoculars watching us? Cut the camera. They see us. Only pay for what you need@liberty mutual.com Liberty Liberty Liberty Liberty Savings Very Underwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company Affiliates excludes Massachusetts.
- [20:58]
C
Here's a 60 second story from the Rexall Laboratory.
- [21:01]
E
Did you know that even the very best drinking water is not considered good enough to use in the medicines compounded Rexall Laboratory all drinking water, you see, contains some chemicals. That's why you can taste it. But in the Rexall laboratory, drinking water is first purified chemically and then distilled in a giant tank with a capacity of thousands of gallons daily. This distilled water is absolutely pure. It has no color and no taste. The purity of this water which is used in Rexall medicines is one more reason why you can always depend on any product that bears the name Rexall.
- [21:39]
C
So for any and for all of your household drug needs, always buy Rexall at Rexall drugstores everywhere.
- [21:46]
B
If you want to be sure that the product is pure. When you ask for a drug preparation, buy the Rexall line at the Rexall sign a Rexall identification.
- [21:58]
C
Good health to all from Rexall.
- [22:12]
B
Well, Margaret, now that you're up here at the North Pole, are you ready to start your ride with O. Saint Nick? I was much younger when I started that line.
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D
Well, Santa, are all the presents packed on this on your sleigh?
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B
Well, let's see, little girls. I'll check my list. I've taken care of Winston Churchill, Ernest Bevans, President Truman. Wait a minute. I forgot to get something for Mahatma Gandhi. Help me out, Margaret. What do you think I should give.
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D
Mahatina Gandhi an electric blanket? Those sheets get awfully cold in the winter.
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B
Well, I ain't got any more time to dilly dally. Come on, climb up on the sleigh and we'll start our trip armed under Blitzen Arm Dancer. I'm Eisenhower.
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D
How did Eisenhower get in there?
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B
He wants to get in training. He may be running next year. Let's go. Make way for old Saint Nick. Look down there, Margaret. We're in Beverly Hills, right over Betty Grable's house.
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D
Well, aren't you going down to fill Betty Grable stocking?
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B
Why bother? She fills them much better than I could. But hold tight, sweetheart. We're going down and visit a little girl who lives in the house. Here. Let's Go. Come on. I'll knock on the door.
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D
But why are you knocking on the door? Iris thought the Santa Claus came down the chimney to leave this bundle.
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B
Oh, no. The stork can't make it with his beak. Why should I try it with mine? Hello, little girl. I'm Old St. Nick. What's your name?
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D
I'm little Candy. But I'm mad at you, Santa Claus. But Little Candy, why are you mad at Santa Claus? Because of Red here. I wanted a pony and he brought.
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B
Me a baby brother. They blame everything on old St. Nick. How old can a St. Nick get? I've got a lot of gifts for you, Little Candy. But tell me one thing. How do you feel about spending Christmas in sunny California?
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D
Well, I can tell you about in a little poem. Christmas in California just isn't right, you know. When I dream of a white Christmas.
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B
I'm feeling mighty snow. What a voice. What a voice. Sounds like. Sounds like a tonsils were caught in a Mixmaster.
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D
Oh, Santa Claus, I wish you'd do me a big favor. My little boyfriend Stanley lives in that house right next door and he doesn't believe in Santa Claus. Would you come over with me and prove to him that he's wrong?
- [25:15]
B
He doesn't believe there's a Santa Claus.
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D
No, and he's awful stubborn. I'll knock on the door. So, Margaret, I'm not gay enough for you. You have to go out with a show off in a red suit. Please, Stantley, you don't understand. He's old Saint Nick.
- [25:35]
B
Everybody wants to get into the acting.
- [25:39]
D
Why, look at you. Your whiskers don't even hide your nose.
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B
Sonny, the bed wasn't built that could hide this nose.
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D
Well, Margaret, you've made your choice. We're through. I'm going out in the backyard and eating worms. Do you hear me? I'm gonna eat worms.
- [25:55]
B
Poor kid. He must have heard about the price of Christmas turkeys.
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D
Goodbye, Margaret. You've given me up this pony. There is no Santa Claus, Stanley. Don't you dare say that again. All of us boys and girls here in America must believe in Santa Claus. All of us have enough food to eat, warm clothes to wear and many other things that children in other countries haven't got. When you live in America, Stanley, you've just got to believe there's a Santa Claus. There is a Santa Claus. There is a Santa Claus. There is a Santa Claus.
- [26:30]
B
Margaret. Margaret, wake up. You've been dreaming. Wake up.
- [26:34]
D
Yes, Santa. Oh, you're not Santa Claus. You're Jimmy Durante.
- [26:39]
B
That's right, Margaret. I'm not Santa, but I'm somebody very close to him.
- [26:44]
D
I didn't know anyone was close to him.
- [26:46]
B
Yes, Margaret, I am. Listen. I'm Jimmy Duranta Kloss he's the father.
- [26:56]
A
Of Santa Claus his toy bag isn't on his back as he goes through.
- [27:01]
B
The snows he's got a better face in front he hooks it on his nose Peter. Peter and a Claus. He's the partner of Santa Claus Don't I seem familiar? Now think back through your brain, dear.
- [27:18]
D
I'm not sure, but somehow you look like his leading reindeer. Oh, dear.
- [27:22]
B
A partner of Santa Claus is Jimmy Danta Claus. Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the.
- [27:33]
D
Way oh, what fun it is to ride Duranty Claus sleigh Jingle bells, jingle.
- [27:39]
B
Bells Jingle all the way who can afford a car today so I ride an open sleigh Major and the park He's a partner of Santa Claus Tonight is Christmas Eve, we know so up.
- [27:55]
D
And down the hall, no creature stirring and poor old Santa comes to call.
- [28:01]
B
We'D like to wish a merry Christmas to you one and all. Howard Petrie, Candy Candido Boy Margie, Peggy Lee, Al Katrita, Margaret o' Brien Harmon and Jimmy Durano Clark in Jimmy. Correct all the night, folks from Peggy.
- [28:34]
C
Lee Arthur feature Candy Candida, Roy Bargie and his orchestra.
- [28:37]
B
Yours, Julie, Howard Petrie and Jimmy Durani. Who says Merry Christmas. Christmas, Everybody. Good night, Mrs. Calabash and Merry Christmas.
- [28:46]
C
This program is produced and directed by Phil Cohan. Margaret o' Brien appeared to the courtesy of Metro Golden Mayor, producers of Cass Timberland, starring Spencey Tracer and Lana Turner. Good health to all from Red Song.
- [28:56]
B
This is NBC, the national broadcasting Company.
- [29:05]
F
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- [29:35]
G
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