Joan Davis Show 45-12-24 Christmas Party

Summary

Joan Davis Show 45-12-24: Christmas Party

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Date of Original Broadcast: December 24, 1945
Podcast Release Date: December 23, 2025
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Theme: Heartwarming Golden Age comedy with Joan Davis and cast, centering on the chaos and community spirit of a Christmas party for underprivileged children.

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Episode Overview

This festive episode of The Joan Davis Show centers on Joan’s comedic and well-intended efforts to throw a Christmas party for children from the local county settlement house. The cast navigates misunderstandings, slapstick gags, and last-minute hurdles—especially when the appointed Santa Claus backs out. Beyond the laughs, the show delivers genuine holiday warmth, culminating in the importance of generosity, community, and the true spirit of Christmas.

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Key Discussion Points and Highlights

Setting the Scene: Christmas Eve in Swanville

• [00:30] Harry Bonzel introduces Joan Davis with the rest of the cast, setting the comedic, playful tone.
• [02:00] The action is set at "Johnny's Tea Room," where Joan is preparing a Christmas party for the children.

Preparations & Light-Hearted Banter

• [02:24] Joan takes a call from Mrs. Titus, explaining the party and a past mishap from trying to be Santa.
  • Joan Davis: "Last year I was Santa Claus... Everything went fine till a little tough kid punched me right in the pillow. What happened? I snowed on him for 10 minutes." [02:51]
• [03:04] Harry humorously itemizes all the party prep he’s done, poking fun at Joan’s tendency to take credit.
  • Harry Bonzel: "All I did was sweep out the place by the Christmas tree, set it up, get the ornaments, wrap the gifts, fix the wiring, mix the ice cream, write the names on the packages and bake a layer cake."
• [03:43] Joan flirts for a kiss under the mistletoe; Andy Russell deflects with, "I've got a cold," which Joan answers, "Don't worry. I got a trunk full of penicillin."

Christmas Tree Troubles & Musical Number

• [05:10] Babs critiques Joan’s tree decorating, leading to a comical back-and-forth.
  • Babs: "You shouldn't quarrel tonight of all nights. This is Christmas Eve."
• [07:06] Andy and Joan duet on a holiday tune, "Massachusetts," with added comic banter.
• [09:11] Song ends with playful teasing about Joan’s singing.

Santa Suit Crisis: Mr. Wetherby's Refusal

• [14:41] Mr. Weatherby arrives and refuses to play Santa Claus, citing business.
  • Mr. Weatherby: "I can't help that. Here's $10. Buy them something. Make them happy."
  • Joan Davis: "You couldn't buy a smile from one of those kids for all the money in your bank. But if you played Santa Claus for them, they would."
• The cast scrambles to find a replacement, with Harry volunteering to step in.

The Slapstick Dream Sequence

• [16:22] Joan, climbing a shaky ladder, falls and is knocked unconscious. She dreams she is a child, reliving the story from a child’s perspective.
• [17:47 – 22:08] In dreamland, Joan, Harry, and friends try to persuade Mr. Weatherby to play Santa. Andy Russell’s character, a poor newsboy, faces eviction for lack of $1 in mortgage—a gentle satire of Christmas hardships.
  • Andy Russell: "I would have done much better if I had today's papers."
  • Joan Davis: "Can I stand here and watch you sell them?"
• Mr. Weatherby is depicted as miserly, prompting pleas for compassion.

Christmas Spirit Prevails

• [22:08] Joan wakes up: "Where am I?"
• [22:15] Mr. Weatherby has changed his mind and will play Santa, moved by Joan’s words and possibly by the imagined dream sequence.

Festive Conclusion

• [22:41] Mr. Weatherby admits his error:
  • Mr. Weatherby: "I must have been out of my mind when I refused... I thought over what you said to me, and you were right. Absolutely right."
• [22:52] The episode ends with the children arriving and a rousing group rendition of "White Christmas."
• [25:29] Joan closes with a message to listeners:
  • Joan Davis: "And all I can say now to all our listeners from myself, my cast, and my sponsor, the Lever Brothers, makers of Swan is good night and Merry Christmas."

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Joan’s Santa story:
  "Last year I was Santa Claus... Everything went fine till a little tough kid punched me right in the pillow. What happened? I snowed on him for 10 minutes." [02:51]

• Harry’s party prep:
  "All I did was sweep out the place... bake a layer cake." — Harry Bonzel [03:14]

• Soap as decor:
  "In my house, we couldn't get any mistletoe, so I hung up a cake of swan." — Harry Bonzel [12:31]

• Mr. Weatherby's change of heart:
  "I must have been out of my mind when I refused... I thought over what you said to me, and you were right. Absolutely right." — Mr. Weatherby [22:34]

• Joan's closing holiday wishes:
  "Good night and Merry Christmas." — Joan Davis [25:29]

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Important Segment Timestamps

• [00:30] — Show and cast introduction
• [02:24] — Joan explains the party for settlement house kids
• [03:43] — Mistletoe banter and comic romance
• [07:10] — Holiday duet: "Massachusetts"
• [14:41] — Mr. Weatherby refuses to be Santa; emotional heart of the show
• [16:22] — Joan’s slapstick fall and dream sequence
• [22:15] — Mr. Weatherby agrees to play Santa, Christmas is saved
• [23:14–25:29] — "White Christmas" finale and Joan’s closing message

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Tone & Style

The episode is fast-paced, full of witty one-liners, and brimming with good-natured jabs among the cast. The language is period-appropriate and radiates both holiday warmth and vaudeville slapstick energy. Despite the commercial integrations and gags, the show’s underlying sentiment is earnest: the real value of Christmas lies in kindness, caring, and community.

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For New Listeners

This episode is an excellent introduction to the comedic style and heart that defined radio’s Golden Age. It is both charming and funny, blending slapstick, clever quips, and relatable holiday anxieties. Most importantly, it leaves listeners with a sincere message about the real spirit of Christmas—making it ideal for holiday listening with the whole family.

Transcript

[Safeway/Albertsons Announcer]

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[Harry Bonzel]

Poor Joan ain't got nobody. She's nobody's sweetheart now. Featuring the romantic singing of Andy Russell. With a great comedy cast including Verna Feldenk, Shirley Mitchell, the music of Paul Weston and his orchestra, and yours, Swansely, Harry Bonzel. And here's the star of our show, America's Queen of Comedy, Joan Davis. Oh, no, don't. Stop it, Joan. Oh, Joan, listen. Stop chasing the band around the studio with that piece of mistletoe. They won't kiss you. They've got a strong union. No, no. Joan, please. Hey. Go.

[Narrator/Commercial Announcer]

Go.

[Newsboy/Chorus]

Wait.

[Harry Bonzel]

Joan, come here now, will you? I want to talk to you.

[Joan Davis]

What would you want to know, Harry?

[Harry Bonzel]

Well, listen. Looky here.

[Joan Davis]

Huh? I'm having so much fun.

[Harry Bonzel]

It just came for you.

[Joan Davis]

A Christmas card.

[Harry Bonzel]

Uh huh. And it's for you. And it's the funniest looking card I ever saw. Look, it's got a picture of a cow on it.

[Joan Davis]

Well, let me see it. Oh, it's from my milkman.

[Harry Bonzel]

What does it say?

[Joan Davis]

Oh, it's very beautiful. Listen. Oh, pity not the lonely cow who wallows in the gutter. For she has got what you ain't got. A day's supply of butter.

[Harry Bonzel]

Swanville, USA December 24th. Tonight. Tonight is Christmas Eve. In Swanville, as throughout the rest of the world, there is a spirit of happiness and expectancy in the air. Stockings are hung from thousands of mantelpieces waiting to be filled. But nowhere in Swanville can you find a pair of stockings that need filling more than in.

[Joan Davis]

Johnny's Tea Room. Joan Davis Speaking. Oh, hello, Mrs. Titus. Merry Christmas. Yeah, that's right. We're giving a special Christmas party in my tea room for the kids from the county settlement house. And Mr. Weatherby the banker's gonna play Santa Claus. Uh huh. Last year I was Santa Claus. I took a big feather pillow and stuffed it under my coat. Everything went fine till a little tough kid punched me right in the pillow. What happened? I Snowed on him for 10 minutes.

[Harry Bonzel]

Say, Joanie, shall I call the settlement house and tell them to bring the kids over?

[Joan Davis]

Well, not yet, Harry. First we gotta wait until Mr. Wetherby gets here in his Santa Claus suit.

[Harry Bonzel]

Oh, you know, Joanie, that was a wonderful idea of yours to give the Christmas party for all those poor kids. You're so thoughtful.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, thanks, Harry. But don't give me all the credit. After all, you help too.

[Harry Bonzel]

Oh, what did I do? All I did was sweep out the place by the Christmas tree, set it up, get the ornaments, wrap the gifts, fix the wearing, mix the ice cream, write the names on the packages and bake a layer cake.

[Joan Davis]

Harry, did you put the cherry on top of the cake?

[Harry Bonzel]

Oh, gee, I forgot.

[Joan Davis]

How do you like that? Nothing gets done around here unless I do it myself. Did anyone hang up the mistletoe?

[Andy Russell]

I did, Ms. Davis.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, fine, Andy. Where'd you put it?

[Andy Russell]

You're standing right under it.

[Joan Davis]

I am? Well, then what are you waiting for? Well, gosh, you know, when you catch a girl standing on the mistletoe, you're supposed to kiss her.

[Andy Russell]

Well, I'd like to, Ms. Davis, but I've got a cold.

[Joan Davis]

Don't worry. I got a trunk full of penicillin.

[Harry Bonzel]

Hey, Joan. Joan. Look, I haven't got a cold, and I know what to do when a girl is standing under the mistletoe. Oh, boy, I kissed her once. I kissed her twice.

[Joan Davis]

It took a short, short time.

[Harry Bonzel]

Oh, listen, don't kid, Joan. See, after all, you know how I feel about you. How? Well, I'm a man and you're a woman.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, Harry, stop exaggerating.

[Harry Bonzel]

No, listen, Joan. When my lips touched yours, I realized something that even you can't deny. It's true. I tell you it's true.

[Joan Davis]

What's true?

[Harry Bonzel]

You use Swan soap.

[Joan Davis]

Ah, somebody told ya?

[Harry Bonzel]

No, nobody had to tell me. Such a lovely complexion must be cared for by a lovely soap. And Swan is a lovely soap that's pure as fine castiles and mild enough even for a baby's tender skin. And those Swan suds are not only mild, but they're so long lasting too.

[Joan Davis]

Well, that's fine, Harry. Now I gotta finish decorating the tree. Say, maybe that's Mr. Wetherby. Let him in, Andy.

[Andy Russell]

Okay.

[Joan Davis]

Hello, Andy. Merry Christmas.

[Andy Russell]

Merry Christmas, Barbara. It's Barbara Webe, Ms. Davis.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, hiya, Babs. You like the way I'm decorating the Christmas tree? Like it? Why, it's pitiful. Pit. Pitiful. Now, look here, Babs.

[Harry Bonzel]

I did that Joan, Barbara. You two shouldn't quarrel tonight of all nights. This is Christmas Eve.

[Joan Davis]

Yes, I know, Mr. Bonsel, but I just can't stand Ms. Davis. Utter like a good taste. Step aside, Ms. Davis, and I'll show you how it should be done. Does anyone have a candy cane? What do you want a candy cane for, Babs? Well, when I decorate a tree, I always hang one on. You always hang one on? Doesn't your father say anything? Say anything? Why, every Christmas Eve, he hangs one on too. It's a family tradition. That's no tradition. That's a condition. Have you seen the Lost Weekend? Say, by the way, Babs, where is your father? Oh, well, some important business came up, and Peter had to go to the bank.

[Newsboy/Chorus]

What?

[Joan Davis]

Why? Nothing is more important than him playing Santa Claus at this party. I can't invite those kids over until he gets here. Why don't we do?

[Harry Bonzel]

Well, now, look, don't worry, Joan. I'll go over to the bank and get Mr. Weatherby right away.

[Andy Russell]

Say, Ms. Davis, while we're waiting for Harry to come back, I'd like to run over a little song I arranged for the kids. I think they're gonna like it.

[Joan Davis]

Let's hear it, Andy.

[Andy Russell]

Oh, I can't do it alone. It's a duet. I have to sing it with a girl.

[Joan Davis]

How about me, Andy?

[Andy Russell]

Oh, do you sing, Barbara?

[Joan Davis]

Do I sing? Does a fish swim? There's your answer. She sings like a fish. Miss Tavis, hug me. She probably has the range of two octopuses.

[Newsboy/Chorus]

See?

[Joan Davis]

What is the plural of octopus? Octopuses, of course. Not Octokittens. Oh, it doesn't matter. It does to the octopus.

[Andy Russell]

Well, as a matter of fact, Barbara, I hoped that you would play the piano when I sang this with Miss Davis.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, very well, Andy. You mean you want me to sing with you?

[Andy Russell]

That's right, Miss Davis.

[Joan Davis]

You really mean me? Me? Am I me?

[Andy Russell]

Yes. Here's the music, Ms. Davison. Wherever it says girls, part, you sing. Oh, it's really a great part. As a matter of fact, I'm gonna give you the best part here.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, Andy, you're giving me the best part. Oh, you're so unselfish.

[Andy Russell]

Well, are you ready?

[Joan Davis]

Ready. What key do you want this in, Ms. Davis? A flat? No, no. Just give it to me. An A. I'll flat it myself.

[Newsboy/Chorus]

When the porter.

[Joan Davis]

Yeah. Massachusetts.

[Newsboy/Chorus]

I'll be there with them Massachusetts Homesick as can be the only place for me Massachusetts Got a special day for that New England state How my heart will not Massachusetts to See Plymouth Rock, Massachusetts Wander, roam around Massachusetts In Nantucket Town, Massachusetts. I can hardly wait to hurry through that gate. You can't guess how much it means for me to be there. Mass up childhood friends and childhood scenes for me to see there the 2 cents need blue skies above Massachusetts with the one I love Massachusetts Just like Jack and Jim, Massachusetts. We'll climb Bunker Hill and choose the Massachusetts Spread the news around my Massachusetts bun. Woo, woo, woo.

[Joan Davis]

Romy Sassa. Romy Sassa, Romy Sausage. Romy Sassa, Romy Sausage. Fight headache three ways. I miss the juice as well.

[Newsboy/Chorus]

Oh.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, the children will love that. You sing so beautifully, Andy. Well, what about my singing, Babs? Oh, I thought it was simply divine. Ask a silly question and you get a silly answer. Oh, hey, that must be Harry and Mr. Weatherbeat. Let him in, Andy.

[Andy Russell]

Okay. Ms. Davis, it's your brother in law. Serenas.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, Merry Christmas, Serenas.

[Harry Bonzel]

Merry Christmas, Joanie.

[Joan Davis]

Glad to see me? Yep. I'm overjoyed. Where have you been sleeping?

[Harry Bonzel]

No, shopping. I bought a present for the kids. Christmas party.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, that's nice. You want to know what I got? Certainly. Well, ask me. Go ahead and ask me. Well, I'm asking you. What did you get?

[Harry Bonzel]

I got a pair of skates with no wheels on.

[Joan Davis]

Now, no wheels. What kind of skates are they? Ice skates. Oh, never mind. Go on in the kitchen, Serenas, and help Andy with the ice cream. Oh, you got ice cream? What flavor?

[Andy Russell]

Well, we've got chocolate.

[Harry Bonzel]

I don't like chocolate.

[Joan Davis]

Well, how about vanilla?

[Harry Bonzel]

I don't like vanilla.

[Andy Russell]

How about strawberry?

[Harry Bonzel]

I don't like strawberry.

[Joan Davis]

Well, what do you like?

[Harry Bonzel]

Chopped liver.

[Joan Davis]

With schmaltz.

[Harry Bonzel]

Oh.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, forget about it, Serenas. Get busy helping Andy.

[Harry Bonzel]

Hey, Joanie. Joanie.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, it's you, Harry. Did you get Mr. Weatherby?

[Harry Bonzel]

No, the watchman at the bank wouldn't even let me in to see it.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, gee, if he doesn't get here soon to play Santa Claus, he's gonna ruin the whole party for those poor kids.

[Andy Russell]

Say, maybe that's Mr. Wetherby now. I'll get it, Ms. Davis.

[Joan Davis]

Merry Christmas, Mr. Russell.

[Andy Russell]

Merry Christmas, Mrs. Hipperton.

[Harry Bonzel]

It's Rosella Hipperton, Joan.

[Joan Davis]

Hello, Ms. Davis. And Ms. Weatherby and Mr. Gonzale. Hello. Haven't the kids arrived yet?

[Harry Bonzel]

No, we're not supposed to call them until Santa Claus Weatherby gets here, which we hope will be soon.

[Joan Davis]

Well, then help me distribute these presents under the tree. Oh, good gracious. Who decorated that tree? Well, here we go again. You want to hang one on. Too hippy. I might have known that you. You did it. Ms. Davis, you have too little on the top and your lower limbs are twisted completely out of shape. Now, let's not get personal. He. Oh, Ms. Davis. Besides, the tree doesn't look white enough. I think it could stand some more of that silver snow on you.

[Harry Bonzel]

Well, I'm sorry, Mrs. Hibberton. We've run all out of that snow stuff. Hey, I know what we can hang on it, though, to make it look whiter.

[Newsboy/Chorus]

What?

[Harry Bonzel]

A few cakes of Swan soap.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, yeah.

[Harry Bonzel]

Oh, I'm glad I thought of that. Swan makes everything look whiter because it's the new white floating soap. That's four swell soaps in one. Swan's pure as fine castiles and so mild and gentle. It's perfect for bathing the baby, for your hands and face. And those Swan suds are so hard working. They're wonderful for your dishes and light laundry.

[Joan Davis]

I admire your enthusiasm, Mr. Bonsell, but really, Swan? For decorating a tree?

[Harry Bonzel]

Well, why not? Why not? In my house, we couldn't get any mistletoe, so I hung up a cake of swan. Yeah. Yes, sir. Broke it in two. Hung half in the kitchen and half in the bathroom.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, Mr. Von Zel, who would kiss you? Toyota Thon. Toyota Thon. Toyota Thon is on. Oh, what fun it is to drive a new Toyota today. Hey, Jan from Toyota here reminding you Toyotathon is on. Make your holiday wishes come true with a new Camry RAV4 Tacoma and more. All right, let's sing it together this time. Toyota Thon. Toyota Thon. Toyota Thon is on.

[Harry Bonzel]

Dealer inventory may vary. Toyota thone ends January 5th.

[Commercial Announcer (Liberty Mutual/Joy and Blokes)]

See your participating dealer for details.

[Harry Bonzel]

Toyota. Let's go places. Limu Game and Doug. Here we have the Limu Imu in its natural habitat, helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug Limu.

[Joan Davis]

Is that guy with the binoculars watching us?

[Harry Bonzel]

Cut the camera. They see us. Only pay for what you [e-mail] Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty Savings Barry.

[Safeway/Albertsons Announcer]

Underwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company Affiliates.

[Joan Davis]

Excludes Massachusetts to under a cake of swan.

[Harry Bonzel]

The Lever Brothers, they make swan. You know, of course, that was strictly my own idea when it comes to the Lever Brothers. I know that their idea is that everyone everywhere, short and tall, large and small, have the happiest, merriest Christmas of all.

[Joan Davis]

Well, it's not going to be a very merry Christmas for those settlement kids if Mr. Wetherby doesn't show up to play Santa Claus. Oh, don't worry, Ms. Davis. If Mr. Wetherby doesn't show up, I'll be Santa Claus. You hippie. Why not? She's big enough to be Santa Claus. She's big enough to be Santa Anita. They're off and running. There they go around the park.

[Andy Russell]

Say, this time it is Mr. Weatherby. I can see him through the window.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, great. Harry, call up the county settlement house and tell them to bring the kids right over. Merry Christmas, Peter. Yeah, Merry Christmas, Mr. Weather. Say, how come you haven't got your Santa Claus suit on?

[Mr. Weatherby]

That's what I came over to tell you, Ms. Davis. I won't be able to play Santa Claus for you tonight.

[Harry Bonzel]

What?

[Mr. Weatherby]

That's right. Some last minute business came up concerning the bank which needs my immediate attention.

[Harry Bonzel]

Well, Mr. Weatherby, we were counting on you.

[Andy Russell]

That's right. After all, what's Christmas without Santa Claus?

[Joan Davis]

You can't let those children down. Yeah, this is Christmas Eve. Haven't you got any Christmas spirit?

[Mr. Weatherby]

I certainly have. I sent out cards to all my employees. I even gave the mailman a dollar. And I've taken care of Christmas.

[Joan Davis]

Taking care of Christmas? Why, you haven't even come close. Do you realize how those kids at the settlement house are looking forward to tonight's party?

[Mr. Weatherby]

Well, I can't help that. Here's $10. Buy them something. Make them happy.

[Joan Davis]

Buy them something. Why, you couldn't buy a smile from one of those kids for all the money in your bank. But if you played Santa Claus for them, they would.

[Mr. Weatherby]

Ms. Davis, please stop this sentimental rubbish. I have business to attend to. Here's your costume. Get somebody else to play Santa Claus. Good night.

[Joan Davis]

Gee, what are we gonna do now?

[Harry Bonzel]

Oh, well, don't feel badly about it, Joanie. I'll play Santa Claus and love it, too. Andy, listen, you call up the settlement house and tell him we're ready.

[Joan Davis]

Come on, Ms. Davis, I'll help you finish decorating the tree. It really looks lovely. Thanks, Hippy. The icicles are over in the corner. May I get them, Ms. Davis? Oh, sure, Babs. Do you want to help too? I certainly do. Well, great. And while you're getting the trimmings, I'll put the star on top of the tree. Well, be careful of that ladder, Ms. Davis. It looks very shaky. Oh, don't worry about me. I'm all right. How do you like that, Mr. Weatherby? Welching on those kids. Boy, if I were one of those kids, I'd really hate him. Why I'd get him by the collar and I'd shake him and shake him until shaking. The ladder.

[Narrator/Commercial Announcer]

Look out.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, no. Ms. Davis fell off the ladder. She's unconscious. That Mr. Wetherby. If I was a kid. If I was a kid. If I was a kid.

[Harry Bonzel]

She's delirious.

[Joan Davis]

If I was a kid. To little girl and boy.

[Harry Bonzel]

Hello, Joanie.

[Joan Davis]

Hello, Harry. Gee, ain't it fun to be kids at Christmas time?

[Harry Bonzel]

Yeah. Hey, where are you going, Joanie? Huh? Where, huh? Where are you going, huh? Where, huh?

[Joan Davis]

Well, I'm going down to the tea room on the corner. They're giving a Christmas party for all us kids. You want to come?

[Harry Bonzel]

A Christmas party? Gee, Willie could drinky dink. I bet it'll be fun.

[Joan Davis]

Yeah, except they ain't got nobody to play single Santa Claus yet.

[Harry Bonzel]

Well, how about Mr. Weatherby the banker? He'd make a peachy Santa Claus.

[Joan Davis]

Yeah, that's a good idea. Let's go and ask him.

[Harry Bonzel]

Yeah, okay. Hey, Johnny, watch me leap frog over that fire plug.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, you're always showing off.

[Harry Bonzel]

You watch me making it.

[Joan Davis]

Well, part of you made it. Oh, it's El Fatso Rosella Hipperton. Hiya, Fatso. Hello, Joanie. And Harold Von Dale. Hello. Where well are you going?

[Harry Bonzel]

We was just going to Mr. Weatherby's house to ask him to play Santa Claus at the Christmas party. You want to come?

[Joan Davis]

Sure. Oh, Harold, I got you your Christmas present.

[Harry Bonzel]

Oh, what is that?

[Joan Davis]

It's a little locket with my picture in it.

[Harry Bonzel]

A locket with your picture in it?

[Joan Davis]

Yeah.

[Newsboy/Chorus]

Papers. Evening papers.

[Harry Bonzel]

Hey, kids, look, there's a new newsboy on the corner. Hey, kid, what's your name?

[Andy Russell]

My name she is Antonio Russell.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, that. That's his fanny stuff name? Amos. See where you live.

[Andy Russell]

I live on the first floor at 213-½ East Maple Street.

[Joan Davis]

Gee, I live right across the street from you, see? On the same floor you do.

[Newsboy/Chorus]

See?

[Joan Davis]

I'll bet you can look right into my window.

[Harry Bonzel]

See.

[Joan Davis]

This kid is older than he does looks. Any questions?

[Harry Bonzel]

Hey, kid, how's the paper business today?

[Andy Russell]

She is pretty good so far I take in 85 cents.

[Joan Davis]

See, that's not bad.

[Andy Russell]

Oh, I would have done much better if I had today's papers.

[Joan Davis]

Can I stand here and watch you sell them?

[Harry Bonzel]

See?

[Newsboy/Chorus]

Papers. Evening papers.

[Joan Davis]

See, you got a nice soft voice.

[Andy Russell]

Gracious. Every Sunday I sing in the choir.

[Joan Davis]

I'll bet you're the best one in the choir.

[Andy Russell]

Oh, no, there's one other boy there. He sings pretty good, too.

[Joan Davis]

Who's that?

[Andy Russell]

I don't know his name, but he's a skinny little fellow with a bow tie.

[Harry Bonzel]

Hey, kid. Hey. Hey, kid. You want to come with us to a swell Christmas party? We're going to ask Banker Wetherby to be Santa Claus.

[Andy Russell]

Banker Weatherby? He is a bad man. He owns a house where Mother and I live, and he's putting us out tonight.

[Joan Davis]

Tonight? Oh, he can't do that. It's Christmas Eve.

[Andy Russell]

See, he knows that the dispossessor's notice came with a Christmas card.

[Harry Bonzel]

Jeepers creepers, that's awful.

[Andy Russell]

See, my mother, he is very unhappy.

[Joan Davis]

And your father, how does she feel?

[Harry Bonzel]

Aw, listen. Come on, Joanie. Mr. Wetherby can't foreclose that mortgage. He's got to be Santa Claus.

[Joan Davis]

Well, how much is the mortgage, Antonio?

[Andy Russell]

$1.

[Joan Davis]

$1? That's a lot of money.

[Andy Russell]

Yes, and all I have is 85 cents. I got to sell three more papers or we lose our beautiful home.

[Newsboy/Chorus]

Papers. Evening papers.

[Harry Bonzel]

Hey, hey. Here comes little Barbara Weatherby. She's rich. Maybe she'll buy the papers.

[Joan Davis]

Yeah. Hiya, Baz. You want to buy three papers from this nice little boy? Oh, my, he is a nice little boy. But I've already read the papers. Yeah, but if you do buy the papers from him, he'll have a very merry Christmas. And if you don't, he'll be put out of his house, and he'll have to live in the street, too. I can't help that. My Peter has already celebrated Christmas. He gave the mailman a million dollars. A million dollars.

[Mr. Weatherby]

What's all that noise going on down there?

[Harry Bonzel]

Ooh. Ooh. It's Mr. Weatherby. Hey, Mr. Weatherby, you want to play Santa Claus at our Christmas party?

[Joan Davis]

I should say not. I haven't time for that nonsense. I'm too busy counting my money. Oh, please play Santy Claus, Mr. Weatherby. Oh, don't bother me, Barbara. Get that riff raff away from here. Riff raffle? Yes, and if you kids don't get away from here before I count three million, I'll pour water on you.

[Mr. Weatherby]

One million. Two million.

[Joan Davis]

Three million. Help.

[Newsboy/Chorus]

Help.

[Joan Davis]

I'm founding. I'm drowning. Mr. Weatherby, please play Santa Claus. I'm drowning. Drowning. Drowning. No, mister. She seems to be coming out of it. You'd better not pour any more water on her. Where am I?

[Harry Bonzel]

What happened, Joanie? You fell off the ladder and were delirious for a little while, but you're all right now.

[Joan Davis]

Harry, did I miss the party?

[Mr. Weatherby]

No, Ms. Davis. The children are on their way over now, and I am going to play Santa claus for them.

[Joan Davis]

Mr. Wetherby, you. Am I still dreaming? Am I out of my mind?

[Mr. Weatherby]

No, Ms. Davis, you're all right. But I must have been out of my mind when I refused to put play Santa Claus for those children. I thought over what you said to me, and you were right. Absolutely right.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, Pete, I'm so proud of you. We're all proud of you, Mr. Weatherby. It takes a good man to admit he's wrong.

[Mr. Weatherby]

It takes a better girl to convince him, eh, Ms. Davis?

[Joan Davis]

Oh, Mr. Wetherby, you're just saying that.

[Andy Russell]

No, I'm not.

[Joan Davis]

Well, somebody just said it.

[Andy Russell]

Say, get ready, everybody. Here comes the bus from the the county settlement house.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, Harry, turn on the Christmas tree lights.

[Harry Bonzel]

All right, Joanie.

[Joan Davis]

Yippee. Get the ice cream. Right, Joanie. Barbara, light the Christmas candle. All right, Joanie. Mr. Wetherby, you know what you have to do.

[Mr. Weatherby]

Right, Joanie.

[Joan Davis]

Serenas. Get away from that chop, liver. Thanks, Johnny. And Andy, start singing.

[Andy Russell]

Right, Joanie.

[Newsboy/Chorus]

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas.

[Harry Bonzel]

Just.

[Newsboy/Chorus]

Like the ones I used to know where the tres glisten and children listen to hear sleigh bells in the snow. I'm dreaming of a white Christmas with every Christmas card I ride May your days be merry and bright and may all your Christmases be wild.

[Joan Davis]

Oh, that was beautiful, Andy. Beautiful. And all I can say now to all our listeners from myself, my cast, and my sponsor, the Lever Brothers, makers of Swan is Good night and Merry Christmas.

[Harry Bonzel]

This is cbs, the Columbia Broadcasting System.

[Narrator/Commercial Announcer]

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[Joan Davis]

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[Narrator/Commercial Announcer]

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[Joan Davis]

And I get peace of mind knowing I earn more selling with the RealReal than anywhere else.

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