Laurel And Hardy 19xx.xx.xx Mr Slaters Poultry Market

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Laurel And Hardy – Mr. Slater's Poultry Market

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Date: January 6, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this classic episode from the golden age of radio, beloved comedic duo Laurel and Hardy stumble into slapstick confusion after taking jobs at Mr. Slater’s Poultry Market to “help with the manpower shortage.” A routine chicken delivery spirals into mistaken identity, as the pair are confused with notorious out-of-town hitmen. As Laurel and Hardy’s simple mishaps intersect with hard-boiled police and criminals, the episode delivers a masterclass in comedic misunderstanding, rapid-fire wordplay, and the enduring charm of these old-time radio treasures.

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Key Discussion Points and Plot Developments

1. Setting the Stage: Wartime America and Civic Duty

• The episode begins with a narrated pledge extolling Americans to fight the black market and support fair rationing—underscoring the wartime backdrop ("It will ensure a fair share of food for all civilians, fighting men and fighting allies..." [00:37]).

2. Laurel and Hardy Join the Workforce

• Laurel and Hardy find themselves working at Mr. Slater’s Poultry Market to “do their bit.” Predictably, they manage to bungle even a simple chicken delivery.
• Mr. Slater loses patience:

  "Now, I've got to send two men to deliver one chicken." – Mr. Slater [02:26]

3. The Mishandled Delivery and Accounting Mishap

• The duo botch a delivery to Mr. Cunningham by charging the chicken to his account—even though his credit is no good—and then, to “solve” the issue, sign for it themselves.
• Comic confusion about payment:

  "He wanted to sign for it, but he couldn't fool us. I signed for it myself." – Oliver Hardy [03:58] "Now what do you think of us, Mr. Slater?" – Stanley [04:16]

• Mr. Slater’s outburst cements the comic dynamic:

  "You nincompoofs. You stupid rungerheads. You idiotic... you morons!" – Mr. Slater [04:22]

4. Mistaken for Criminals

• A tense, noir-tinged side plot unfolds in a hotel room, with criminals awaiting the arrival of two legendary “killers”—unknowingly expecting Laurel and Hardy (who are, of course, only delivering a chicken).
• Criminals mistake the boys’ description perfectly:

  "Black derbys, the Chief said... wow, tough looking gorillas, ain't they?" [05:57]

5. The Slapstick Interrogation

• Laurel and Hardy, following orders not to leave the chicken without payment, are drawn into the mobsters' lair. Wordplay and misunderstanding spiral:

  • The criminals’ slang about “killing” is taken literally by L&H, who innocently describe poultry butchery:

    "On this one we use the standard 14 inch butcher knife." – Oliver Hardy [09:07]
    "Ollie holds them by the feet. Then Stanley takes the ax and chops off the head." – Laurel [09:25]

  • The gangsters, growing more horrified, assume they’re in the presence of true killers.

• The mobsters flee when police arrive, still none the wiser, leaving Laurel and Hardy wondering:

  "Do you think we said something wrong, Ollie?" – Stanley [10:55]

6. Laurel and Hardy Arrested: Prison Farce

• Arrested on suspicion of being contract killers, Laurel and Hardy are searched and placed in jail:

  "The service is nice here, isn't it, Ollie?" – Stanley [14:50]

• They try to order steak but are served bread and water:

  "I believe that steaks would be nice... Make mine a thick one." – Hardy, requesting dinner from the jailer [16:08]
  "Here's our blue plate special for today... Bread and water." – Jailer [17:41]

7. Five-Hour Interrogation and Wordplay Confessions

• Exhausted detectives interrogate the pair for hours, to little effect. Laurel and Hardy unconsciously confess to a long list of “kills”—poultry, not people:

  "How many do you figure you've killed all together?"
  "Oh, hundreds. We don't count them... you see, business has picked up because we don't require ration points." – Oliver Hardy [23:51–23:55]

• The detectives grow more frazzled than the prisoners:

  "We've been grilling these dudes for five hours and we haven't broken them yet... I'm cracking up." – Detective [20:22]

8. Resolution: The Real Killers Found

• The chief calls: the real criminals have been apprehended, and Laurel and Hardy are released with relief and confusion:

  "The chief says they're as harmless as a couple of babes. Now get out of here, you two!" – Detective [25:30]

• Laurel, ever literal, asks if he can stay to fix "the other side of his neck" from the interrogation lamp [25:47], before being firmly kicked out.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Job Performance:
  "Oh, we worked nights too." – Stanley [04:34]

• Criminal Confusion:
  "We kill as many as two dozen a day." – Stanley, about chickens [09:44]
  "You mean... you killed that bird already?" – Criminal, misunderstanding chicken for a person [08:48]

• Classic Laurel & Hardy Banter:
  "I believe that steaks would be nice. Don't you think so, Stanley?" – Hardy [16:35]
  "Here's our blue plate special for today... Bread and water." – Jailer [17:41]

• Detectives at Their Wits' End:
  "We've been grilling these dudes for five hours and we haven't broken them yet... I'm cracking up." – Detective [20:22]
  "These guys must be psychopathic killers." – Detective [14:30]

• The Episode Closer:
  "He certainly was a tempestuous man, wasn't he, Stanley?" – Hardy [26:13]
  "He sure was." – Stanley [26:17]

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Important Segment Timestamps

• Pledge Against Black Market and Rationing Context: [00:37]
• Laurel & Hardy Mismanage Payment: [03:48]–[04:20]
• Gangsters Await ‘Killers’ (Laurel & Hardy): [05:15]–[06:06]
• Mobsters Mistake Chicken 'Murder' for Contract Killings: [08:45]–[09:48]
• Police Arrive, Laurel & Hardy Arrested: [13:16]–[14:30]
• Jail Hijinks – Ordering Dinner/Bread & Water: [16:08]–[17:41]
• Lengthy, Inept Interrogation: [18:10]–[24:16]
• Release from Jail, Final Gags: [25:11]–[26:17]

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Overall Tone and Style

The episode is pure classic Laurel and Hardy—smartly-built on puns, mistaken identities, literal-minded dialogue, and wartime one-liners. The deadpan delivery, escalating misunderstandings, and slapstick repartee maintain a breezy, wholesome comic energy reminiscent of vaudeville and early talkies.

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For listeners and fans of classic radio, this episode is a delightful window into a bygone comedic era—showcasing Laurel and Hardy’s gift for transforming a simple errand into an epic, hilarious disaster.

Transcript

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[Narrator]

The national broadcasting company presents the laurel and hardy show. Here on the home front, a pledge is being taken. A pledge that will stamp out the black market once and for all. This is the pledge. I will pay no more than top legal prices. I will accept no ration goods without giving up ration points. Now this simple statement, a pledge already taken by 15 million Americans is helping to do these three important things. It will automatically kill the black markets. It will ensure a fair share of food for all civilians, fighting men and fighting allies. And it'll help keep down the cost of living. If you are one of the 15 million Americans who've already taken this pledge, then live up to it. If you haven't, take the pledge. Now share and play square. It's the American way. Laurel and Hardy have decided to embark upon new careers. And now they are working for Mr. Slater's poultry market. In this way, the boys are doing their bit to relieve the manpower shortage. That is, if you can consider Laurel and hardy manpower. Ms. Smith.

[Stan Laurel]

Yes, Mr. Slater?

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Where's Laurel and Hardy?

[Stan Laurel]

You sent them out to deliver a chicken.

[Narrator]

But that was hours ago and this is one of my busiest days.

[Stan Laurel]

I can't understand why they're not back yet, Mr. Slater.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

What can anybody understand about Laurel and Hardy? This is a fine how do you do with everything else to contend with. Now I've got to send two men to deliver one chicken.

[Stan Laurel]

I know what you mean, Mr. Slater.

[Narrator]

Well, as soon as they get back.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Send them in to me.

[Oliver Hardy]

Ollie. Yes, stanley.

[Stanley]

I bet Mr. Slater will be pleased with the way we handy this job.

[Oliver Hardy]

He certainly will. That Mr. Cunningham couldn't put anything over on us.

[Stanley]

I should say not. Here's Mr. Slater's poultry market.

[Sleep Number Announcer]

Now.

[Stanley]

Let's go in and tell him all about it.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Ms. Smith. Where are those two boobs?

[Stanley]

Ollie, I think Mr. Slater is looking for us.

[Stan Laurel]

Oh.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Oh, there you are. Well, did you deliver the chicken?

[Oliver Hardy]

Of course, sir. Did you have any doubts, Clementi?

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

And did you collect the money for the chicken, like I said.

[Oliver Hardy]

Oh, we did much better than that.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Oh, so you did better than that.

[Stanley]

Go ahead and tell him, Ollie.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Yes, go ahead, tell me.

[Stanley]

Mr. Cunningham thought that he could outsmart.

[Oliver Hardy]

Us, but we were very much too clever for him.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

So you were too clever for him, huh? Well, just what did you do?

[Oliver Hardy]

Well, Mr. Cunningham insisted on charging the chicken, Chip.

[Stan Laurel]

Charge it?

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

I distinctly told you his credit is no good.

[Narrator]

And you let him sign for it again.

[Stan Laurel]

Oh, no, we didn't.

[Stanley]

He wanted to sign for it, but he couldn't fool us.

[Oliver Hardy]

I signed for it myself.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

You.

[Narrator]

You signed for it?

[Oliver Hardy]

And remember the $16 he owed you for the other chickens?

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

This is going to be good.

[Stanley]

Sure, we added it all up together.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

And you signed for that too.

[Stanley]

Exactly.

[Oliver Hardy]

Now what do you think of us, Mr. Slater?

[Stanley]

I bet you thought we couldn't do it.

[Sleep Number Announcer]

You.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

You nincompoofs.

[Stan Laurel]

You stupid rungerheads.

[Oliver Hardy]

You idiotic.

[Stan Laurel]

You. You morons.

[Stanley]

Morons.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

I had a feeling when I hired you that I'd regret it the rest of my days.

[Stanley]

Oh, we worked nights too.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Now, now listen to me, you mental midgets. I am going to give you one more chance. The customer is waiting for this chicken. But if you come back without the money, I'll break every bone in your head.

[Narrator]

In a cheap, smoke filled hotel room on the east side are three sinister men. These men are dangerous criminals wanted by every police department in the land. The air is tense. The men pace nervously, their faces grim as they await the arrival of two hired killers from out of town.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

And you ought to be here by. I wonder what's keeping them.

[Stan Laurel]

All right, all right. Take it easy with you, Mike. They'll be here. I don't get it.

[Stanley]

What's the chief importance these two killers for?

[Stan Laurel]

Ain't we been doing all right?

[Stanley]

Now look you guys, this is a special job. That's why the Chief is bringing in these torpedoes.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Yeah, didn't we wipe out the mopey mob? Something's the matter with that.

[Stan Laurel]

Yeah, but this is different. The chief don't want no slip ups on this one.

[Stanley]

These guys rubbed out Louis Kerrigan. You mean these are the guys that bumped off Kerrigan?

[Stan Laurel]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, and the cops couldn't find a clue either.

[Stanley]

What do they look like?

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Cobra?

[Stan Laurel]

Are you kidding?

[Stanley]

These killers are smart.

[Stan Laurel]

Nobody knows what they look like.

[Stanley]

Hey, wait a minute. There's two guys coming across the street.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Now look out the window.

[Stanley]

Yeah, yeah, that's them.

[Stan Laurel]

Black derbys, the Chief said.

[Stanley]

Wow, tough looking gorillas, ain't they?

[Stan Laurel]

You ain't kidding. So you better get down and meet them, Steve.

[Stanley]

Okay.

[Oliver Hardy]

Okay.

[Stan Laurel]

Ollie.

[Oliver Hardy]

Yes, Stanley?

[Stanley]

Are this is the right address?

[Oliver Hardy]

Of course I'm sure, Stanley. I distinctly remember Mr. Slater saying to deliver the chicken to 7O3 Maple Street.

[Stanley]

Oh, I thought he said 307 April Street.

[Oliver Hardy]

Will you let me handle this? I'll do the thinking on this job.

[Stanley]

Yeah, but, Ollie, you did the thinking on the last job.

[Oliver Hardy]

Will you be quiet? Now, remember what Mr. Slater said. We are not to leave the chicken unless we get the money for it.

[Stan Laurel]

That's right.

[Stanley]

No credit.

[Oliver Hardy]

Hey, Stanley.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

What?

[Oliver Hardy]

I think that man wants to speak to us.

[Stanley]

Okay, fellas, follow me. We'll go up the back way.

[Oliver Hardy]

Of course, we intended to go to the rear entrance.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Right in here.

[Stan Laurel]

Yeah.

[Oliver Hardy]

Touch.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

You guys is never gonna get here.

[Oliver Hardy]

We never disappoint a customer.

[Stanley]

Well, our motto is be still, Stanley. I guess we don't use our motto anymore.

[Stan Laurel]

He said, hey, Mike, pull down that shade. I want to give these away. Now remember, you guys, first you make the delivery, and then later you get the payoff.

[Oliver Hardy]

Now, just one moment. There'll be no delivery until you pay the money.

[Stan Laurel]

Now, wait a minute. We always get delivery and pay later.

[Stanley]

Oh, no, none of that. No, no, no credit. No. No. Oh, no, you don't. No, no, no.

[Stan Laurel]

God.

[Stanley]

Bl.

[Stan Laurel]

You mean. No. N o.

[Stanley]

No.

[Oliver Hardy]

Will you keep quiet, Stanley?

[Stan Laurel]

But those were the Chief's instructions.

[Stanley]

The Chief?

[Oliver Hardy]

Yeah, I guess that's what they call the man who's gonna pay us the money.

[Stan Laurel]

Yeah, that's right. We don't use names in deals like this.

[Stanley]

Where is the chief?

[Stan Laurel]

Oh, he'll be here, just as agreed.

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Can I make my sight softer?

[Stanley]

Can I make my sight firmer?

[Narrator]

Can we sleep cooler?

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[Stan Laurel]

First, you got to deliver the good.

[Oliver Hardy]

Well, that's why we're here.

[Stanley]

You mean you killed that bird already? Sure, about an hour ago. How do you like that?

[Stan Laurel]

You guys sure move fast. The chief didn't expect you to work that quick.

[Stanley]

If I ain't too inquisitive, how do you pros work? Do you Kill them with a regular 45 rod?

[Oliver Hardy]

Oh, no, sir. On this one we use the standard 14 inch butcher knife.

[Stan Laurel]

Butcher knife? Don't they put up a fight?

[Stanley]

Oh, yeah.

[Oliver Hardy]

Sometimes they put up a terrible struggle.

[Stanley]

What do you do then? Ollie holds them by the feet.

[Stan Laurel]

By the feet? Yeah.

[Oliver Hardy]

Then Stanley takes the ax and chops off the head.

[Stan Laurel]

Chops off the head? Will that.

[Stanley]

Sure. We try to be as gentle as possible.

[Stan Laurel]

Are they that kind of gruesome?

[Oliver Hardy]

Oh, after a while you get used to it. It doesn't mean a thing to us, now, does it, Stanley?

[Stanley]

I should say not. You know, we kill as many as two dozen a day.

[Stan Laurel]

What? Well, now, that would be. Oh, yes, of course, of course.

[Stanley]

Sure. Saturdays and holidays are our busiest times.

[Stan Laurel]

Must be an awful strain on you.

[Stanley]

Oh, no, the strain is on them.

[Stan Laurel]

These guys ain't human. Tell me, tell me, what do you do with the body?

[Stanley]

Well, now, that depends.

[Oliver Hardy]

Sometimes we deliver them to the customers just as they are.

[Stanley]

Yeah, but when we get a tough one. Yeah, we dip it in.

[Stan Laurel]

Boil him water. That softens him up considerably. What's the matter, Mike? What's the matter? He's white as a sheet. This has been too much for him.

[Oliver Hardy]

Perhaps he's a little faint. Here, my good man, let me help you.

[Stan Laurel]

Get him away from me. Don't let him touch me. Here, have a chair. Mike, go down, get him a cold towel. Palm. All right. Here, relax now, Mike.

[Oliver Hardy]

Take it easy.

[Stan Laurel]

Hey, what's that? The cops are pulling up in front. Well, come on, let's get out of here quick.

[Oliver Hardy]

Well, they ran away without taking their chicken.

[Stanley]

Do you think we said something wrong, Ollie?

[Oliver Hardy]

I don't think so, Stanley.

[Stan Laurel]

Here they are. Man. Wait a minute. What is. We've never done anything about it.

[Narrator]

Back to Lowell and Hardy in just a minute. Now, here's Thomas Peluso and the orchestra playing.

[Stan Laurel]

Thanks for the Dream.

[Narrator]

Housewives. Here's a message for you. A new simplified plan for the rationing of processed foods, meats, fats and oils has now been put into operation. This useful plan is designed to simplify rationing for consumer and dealer alike and cut down on shopping time. Here's the way it works. Your blue and red stamps in war ration book 4 now have a value of 10 points. The number on the stamp no longer indicates the point value. The blue stamps will be used for processed food only and the red stamps will be used for meats, fats and oils. Blue and red tokens worth one point each will be given as change by dealers. When change is Required. There's no time limit on these tokens and the blue and red stamps will now have a long validity period of about 12 weeks. That's all there is to it. Just a new and simple change in the rationing system. Now back to Laurel and Hardy, who seem to have gotten themselves into a bit of trouble. Mistaken for two dangerous killers and closely guarded by the police. Laurel and Hardy have been ushered into the city jail. But obviously the boys don't seem to be quite sure of what it's all about yet.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Just picked up those two trigger men, Sergeant.

[Stan Laurel]

Okay, okay, come on, bring them in. Bring em in. Johnson. Get in there, you two.

[Oliver Hardy]

They mean us, Stanley.

[Stan Laurel]

You know what answer to this. I guess you guys were thinking you could get away with this, huh?

[Stanley]

Oh, no, Ollie's doing the thinking on this job.

[Stan Laurel]

Oh, I see, the fat guy. I figured you were the brains the minute I spotted you.

[Oliver Hardy]

Well, now that you mention it, officer.

[Stan Laurel]

People often remark that I have a.

[Oliver Hardy]

Very intelligent looking face.

[Stanley]

Is he kidding?

[Stan Laurel]

All right, all right.

[Oliver Hardy]

Come on.

[Stan Laurel]

Searcher. Murphy.

[Oliver Hardy]

Come here you.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

One boy scout knife. One watt no works in it. 12 cents, three bottle tops. That's all, Sergeant.

[Stan Laurel]

Okay, now search the little guy.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

All right.

[Narrator]

There'S nothing but holes in this guy's pocket.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Wait a minute, wait a minute. What are you holding in your hand? Which hand? Come on, come on, let's have it.

[Stan Laurel]

Come on, come on. What do you got there?

[Stanley]

Let's see. Oh, that's my. Yo, yo, officer.

[Stan Laurel]

Yo, yo. Murphy, take him downstairs and throw them in a cell. These guys must be psychopathic killers.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Okay, you guys get Ms. Cell.

[Oliver Hardy]

Thank you very much, officer. Come along, Stanley.

[Stanley]

The service is nice here, isn't it, Ollie?

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

We're so very glad you like it. We aim to please our guests.

[Stanley]

This is a cozy little place, isn't it? Maybe it's because you're in here too, Ollie.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Do you mind if I lock the door? House regulation, you know.

[Stan Laurel]

Oh, no, not, not at all. Go right ahead.

[Stanley]

Could we have an extra key? You see, Stanley likes to take a.

[Stan Laurel]

Short walk before bedtime.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Now isn't that a shame. I don't have an extra key with me, but I'll tell the sergeant to be sure and have one made for you.

[Stan Laurel]

Ollie.

[Oliver Hardy]

Yes, Stanley?

[Stanley]

Do you feel hungry?

[Oliver Hardy]

Yeah, I believe that I could do with a little snack.

[Stanley]

Gee, I'd like a meal like this served to the man in the next cell.

[Oliver Hardy]

You mean the man who's leaving?

[Stanley]

What's he going away?

[Oliver Hardy]

Is he going away? Didn't you hear them say that they were giving him his last supper.

[Stanley]

He must like it here. He seemed very unhappy about leaving.

[Oliver Hardy]

Shall we order dinner now, Stanley?

[Stanley]

I don't see why not, Ollie.

[Stan Laurel]

Officer. Oh, officer. Room service. Come on, come on.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

What's all the noise about?

[Oliver Hardy]

We'd like to place our order for dinner, please.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Oh, you'd like to place your order for dinner? Sure.

[Stanley]

We eat very regular and we don't like our routine broken.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Oh, no, no, of course not. We mustn't do that.

[Oliver Hardy]

I believe that steaks would be nice. Don't you think so, Stanley?

[Stanley]

I think so. Yeah, I believe a steak would be nice. Make mine a thick one.

[Oliver Hardy]

Make that too, officer.

[Stanley]

Not too thick. Too thick.

[Oliver Hardy]

Steaks. Yeah, but he doesn't want it too thick.

[Stanley]

I think I'd like a canadian.

[Stan Laurel]

I think I'd like a medium. No, I think. No, I think I'd rather have.

[Oliver Hardy]

Yeah, yeah, I see.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Why don't you try it medium rare?

[Stan Laurel]

Now, that's a very good idea.

[Oliver Hardy]

Make mine the same.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Wouldn't you like some dessert too?

[Oliver Hardy]

We'll decide about that later. Just bring in the steaks now, my good man.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Oh, gentlemen, I just happen to remember we're fresh out of steaks. But in the meantime, here's our blue.

[Stanley]

Plate special for today.

[Stan Laurel]

Bread and water.

[Narrator]

In the cold, gray room of the city jail, three grim detectives are relentlessly grilling their two suspects, Laurel and Hardy. The two boys are seated under the merciless glare of an arc lamp while the detectives fire away at them. The third degree has been going on for five hours now. But strangely enough, the detectives seem to be more exhausted than their captives.

[Stan Laurel]

For the last time, are you guys gonna confess or not? Come on, spill it.

[Stanley]

You'll sat under that hot light all week.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

We've been easy on you guys, but we can get rough.

[Oliver Hardy]

Now, really, gentlemen, this whole thing is a mistake. We don't have the least idea what you're talking about.

[Stanley]

Maybe. Perhaps if we came back some other time.

[Stan Laurel]

You're gonna stay right here. We know who you are. We got you dead to rights.

[Stanley]

Now talk.

[Oliver Hardy]

Yes, sir. The man wants us to talk, Sterling.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

All right.

[Stanley]

What would you like to talk about, Uncle?

[Stan Laurel]

I don't know.

[Oliver Hardy]

What would you like to talk about, Stanley?

[Stanley]

Oh, I don't care. Anything you want to talk, let's talk about if.

[Stan Laurel]

Now, listen, you. I'm gonna give you one more chance. Start singing.

[Stanley]

Singing?

[Stan Laurel]

Come on.

[Oliver Hardy]

Why, we'd be delighted. Mamsie dose and doby dose and little.

[Stan Laurel]

Mamsie tiger shut.

[Stanley]

Tiddly winks and Winky, Tiddles and Tiddle and Tibby and too.

[Stan Laurel]

And wooden shoes or something. Now look, you two.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Wait a minute, wait a minute, Jonathan. Wait a minute. I've got an idea. What?

[Stan Laurel]

Come over here.

[Stanley]

I wonder why they're mad at us, Ollie. Why should they arrest us?

[Oliver Hardy]

It's probably that Mr. Kingsley. He was very angry because you didn't deliver his chicken.

[Stanley]

Well, it served him right for calling me a nurk.

[Oliver Hardy]

He didn't call you a nurk, Stanley. He called you a jerk.

[Stanley]

Oh, well, that's different.

[Stan Laurel]

Maybe I shouldn't be mad at him.

[Stanley]

I shouldn't be mad at him.

[Oliver Hardy]

Say, say, does this strong light bother you, Stanley?

[Stanley]

No, Ollie, but I got an awful kink in my neck from sitting in this chair.

[Oliver Hardy]

Salon. Here, Stanley, sit closer to the lamp. The heat will do your neck good.

[Stan Laurel]

Thank you.

[Stanley]

Ollie pointed towards my apple.

[Oliver Hardy]

Say, I wonder what they're whispering about over there.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Now look, man, we've been grilling these dudes for five hours and we haven't broken them yet.

[Stanley]

Can't stand them much longer.

[Oliver Hardy]

I'm cracking up.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Me too. My nerves are all shot to pieces. I'd like to murder the both of them. No, that's where you boys are wrong. These guys aren't just ordinary mugs, they're clever. They're putting on the dumb act.

[Oliver Hardy]

We've got to outsmart them.

[Stanley]

So what do we do? Act dumb too?

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Of course we don't act dumb. We gotta use psychology on em.

[Stanley]

I get it.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Use brains against brains, right?

[Stan Laurel]

Yeah.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Now first I'll use the friendly approach. If that doesn't work, we'll break down their nerves.

[Stanley]

Fine.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

You got the file ready, Donovan?

[Stanley]

Yeah, right here.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Okay. Now, when I give you the word, start filing on that iron bar. Steady and monotonous like that. Ought to drive me crazy. Wickhouse, you'll be ready with the watch. Well, look, boys, you've got us all wrong. We're just trying to help you. All we want is a little information. We know that you boys didn't want to do all those killings, did you?

[Stanley]

No, sir. But we got so many orders, so we had to do them.

[Oliver Hardy]

And after all, business is business.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Of course it is. Now you see, Brickhouse, I told you there were a couple of nice boys. Now, now tell me, boys, who were the parties that ordered them killed?

[Oliver Hardy]

Oh, we're very sorry, but we can't divulge that.

[Stan Laurel]

So you still won't confess?

[Stanley]

Well, our customer list is very confidential. Somebody might cut in on our business.

[Oliver Hardy]

We'd really like to tell you, sir, but it's a professional secret.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Okay, gentlemen.

[Stanley]

Ollie, that's sound.

[Stan Laurel]

Can't stand it, can ya?

[Stanley]

Oh, I don't. It just reminds me. I'd like to borrow Ollie's fingernail file.

[Oliver Hardy]

Here you are, Stanley. And be careful of your cuticle.

[Stanley]

Go ahead.

[Narrator]

Brickhouse.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Wouldn't you like a nice cool drink of water?

[Oliver Hardy]

No, thank you.

[Stanley]

I'm not a bit thirsty either.

[Stan Laurel]

Brickhouse, give it to me. I need it bad.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Oh, that's better.

[Stan Laurel]

Donovan, will you stop that noise? You're driving me n. Is that my son? Now you listen to me, you two gorillas. I want to know where you were at 12:30 yesterday.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Now come on, come on and quit stalling.

[Stan Laurel]

12:30.

[Oliver Hardy]

Now let me see, Ollie, wasn't that when we stopped? No, stanley, that was two o'. Clock. At 12:30 we were going to kill.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Yes, yes. You were saying you were going to kill.

[Oliver Hardy]

No, but we didn't do it.

[Stan Laurel]

That's right.

[Stanley]

Mr. Jones wouldn't pay the ceil.

[Stan Laurel]

Ah, they didn't cut Steven's prices. Of course.

[Oliver Hardy]

We wouldn't want to break the law.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Now, now we're getting someplace. I suppose this was one of the Kerrigan bunch you were going to kill yesterday.

[Stanley]

Kerrigan?

[Oliver Hardy]

Yes.

[Stanley]

I never heard of them. Have you, Ollie?

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Mm, mm.

[Stan Laurel]

No. We were gonna kill an ordinary Leghorn.

[Oliver Hardy]

Must be an out of town mob.

[Stanley]

Well, we don't care where they come from.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

I've never heard anything like I've been on the fort. How many? How many do you figure you've killed all together?

[Oliver Hardy]

Oh, hundreds. We don't count them.

[Stan Laurel]

Hundreds? Yeah.

[Stanley]

You see, business has picked up because we don't require ration points.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Racing points.

[Stan Laurel]

Now listen to me. Wise guys don't try to get two. Take it easy. 18 years. But I never come up against anything like this. I'm okay. Don't worry about me.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

There's only one thing to do do. We'll question them one at a time. Yeah, yeah. Get up here, you.

[Stanley]

Who, me?

[Stan Laurel]

Yeah, you.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Stand here next to me. I'll take care of you next. Now listen, Hardy.

[Oliver Hardy]

Yes, sir?

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

You may as well spill the whole thing. We've got the cold. On the day before yesterday, what were your movements? Just what were you doing?

[Stanley]

Yes, Ollie, just what were you doing?

[Oliver Hardy]

Why, Stanley, I was with.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Yes, yes, yes. Who were you with?

[Oliver Hardy]

Stanner. You know perfectly well that I was with you.

[Stanley]

Oh, that's right. He was with me.

[Stan Laurel]

I don't care. I'm gonna quit. I'll give up confession against. Hello.

[Oliver Hardy]

Yes.

[Stan Laurel]

Chief. Chief. Uh huh. Okay, Chief. Well, we can let him go. Boys. The chief says the whole thing was a mistake.

[Stanley]

They picked up the real killers at the railroad station.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

You mean we can get rid of these two?

[Stanley]

That's right.

[Stan Laurel]

The chief says they're as harmless as.

[Stanley]

A couple of babes.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Harmless as a couple of babes. Now get out of here, you two. Get out before I tear you apart with my bare hands.

[Oliver Hardy]

Come on, Stanley. I don't think the man wants us here.

[Stanley]

Pardon me, sir, but would you mind if I stayed a few minutes longer so the lamp can break the other side of my neck? He's got a bad kink in it.

[Mr. Slater / Detective]

Kink in it?

[Stan Laurel]

I'll put a break in it. I'll.

[Stanley]

I'll.

[Stan Laurel]

You can't go nuts. Blow them out. Quick. Get out.

[Stanley]

You too.

[Stan Laurel]

Get out.

[Oliver Hardy]

He certainly was a tempestuous man, wasn't he, Stanley?

[Narrator]

He sure was.

[Stanley]

And he had a bad temper too. Say, Ollie, I wonder if we said anything to upset him.

[Oliver Hardy]

How could we possibly upset any?

[Stan Laurel]

It.