
Laurel And Hardy 19xx.xx.xx Mr Slaters Poultry Market
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Narrator
The National Broadcasting Company presents the Laurel and Hardy Show. Here on the home front, a pledge is being taken. A pledge that will stamp out the black market once and for all. This is the pledge. I will pay no more than top legal prices. I will accept no ration goods without giving up ration points. Now, this simple statement, a pledge already taken by 15 million Americans, is helping to do these three important things. It will automatically kill the black markets. It will ensure a fair share of food for all civilians, fighting men and fighting allies. And it'll help keep down the cost of living. If you are one of the 15 million Americans who've already taken this pledge, then live up to it. If you haven't, take the pledge now. Share and play square. It's the American way. Laurel and Hardy have decided to embark upon. And now they are working for Mr. Slater's poultry market. In this way, the boys are doing their bit to relieve the manpower shortage. That is, if you can consider Laurel and hardy manpower.
Mrs. Smith
Ms. Smith.
Mr. Slater
Yes, Mrs. Slater?
Mrs. Smith
Where's Laurel and Hardy?
Mr. Slater
You sent them out to deliver a chicken.
Mrs. Smith
But that was hours ago and this is one of my busiest days.
Mr. Slater
I can't understand why they're not back yet. Mr. Slater.
Mrs. Smith
What can anybody understand about Laurel and Hardy? This is a fine how do you do with every everything else to contend with. Now I've got to send two men to deliver one chicken.
Mr. Slater
I know what you mean, Mr. Slater.
Mrs. Smith
Well, as soon as they get back, send them in to me.
Mr. Slater
Ollie.
Ollie
Yes, Stanley?
Mr. Slater
I bet Mr. Slater will be pleased with the way we handed this job.
Ollie
He certainly that Mr. Cunningham couldn't put anything over on us.
Mr. Slater
I should say not. Here's Mr. Slater's poultry market now. Let's go in and tell him all about it.
Mrs. Smith
Ms. Smith. Where are those two boobs?
Mr. Slater
Ollie, I think Mr. Slater is looking for us.
Mrs. Smith
Oh. Oh, there you are. Well, did you deliver the chicken?
Ollie
Of course, sir. Did you have any doubts?
Mrs. Smith
Plenty. And did you collect the money for the chicken like I said?
Ollie
Oh, we did much better than that.
Mrs. Smith
Oh, so you did Better than.
Mr. Slater
Go ahead and tell him, Ollie.
Mrs. Smith
Yes, go ahead, tell me.
Mr. Slater
Mr. Cunningham thought that he could outsmart.
Ollie
Us, but we were very much too clever for him.
Mrs. Smith
So you were too clever for him, huh? Well, just what did you do?
Ollie
Well, Mr. Cunningham insisted on charging the chicken.
Mrs. Smith
Charge it? I distinctly told you his credit is no good. And you let him sign for it again.
Ollie
Oh, no, we didn't.
Mr. Slater
He wanted to sign for it, but he couldn't fool us.
Ollie
I signed for it myself.
Mrs. Smith
You. You signed for it.
Ollie
And remember the $16 he owed you for the other chickens?
Mrs. Smith
This is going to be good.
Mr. Slater
Sure, we added it all up together.
Mrs. Smith
And you signed for that too.
Mr. Slater
Exactly.
Ollie
Now what do you think of us, Mr. Slater?
Mr. Slater
I bet you thought we couldn't do it.
Mrs. Smith
You. You nincompoops. You stupid blunderheads. You idiotic. You. You. I had a feeling when I hired you that I'd regret it the rest of my days.
Mr. Slater
Oh, we worked nights too.
Mrs. Smith
Now. Now listen to me, you mental midgets. I'm going to give you one more chance. The customer is waiting for this chicken. But if you come back without the money, I'll break every bone in your head.
Narrator
In a cheap, smoke filled hotel room on the east side, three sinister men. These men are dangerous criminals wanted by every police department in the land. The air is tense. The men pace nervously, their faces grim as they await the arrival of two hired killers from out of town.
Mrs. Smith
Andy ought to be here by now. I wonder what's keeping him.
Stanley
All right, all right. Take it easy with you, Mike. They'll be here. I don't get it. What's the chief importance these two killers for a. We've been doing all right. Now look, you guys, this is a special job. That's why the chief is bringing in these torpedoes.
Mrs. Smith
Yeah, didn't we wipe out the Moy mob? What was the matter with that?
Stanley
Yeah, but this is different. The chief don't want no slip ups on this one. These guys rubbed out Louis Kerrigan. You mean these are the guys that bumped off Kerrigan? Yeah, yeah, yeah, and the cops couldn't find a clue either.
Mr. Slater
What do they look like?
Stanley
Cobra. Are you kidding? These killers are smart. Nobody knows what they look like.
Mrs. Smith
Hey, wait a minute. There's two guys coming across the street now. Look out the window.
Stanley
Yeah, yeah, that's them. Black derbies, the chief said.
Mr. Slater
Wow.
Stanley
Tough looking gorillas, ain't they? You ain't kidding. So you better get to meet him, Steve. Okay, okay.
Mr. Slater
Ollie.
Ollie
Yes, Stanley?
Mr. Slater
Are you sure this is the right address?
Ollie
Of course I'm sure. Stanley. I distinctly remember Mr. Slater saying to deliver the chicken to 703 Maple Street.
Mr. Slater
Oh, I thought he said 307 April Street.
Ollie
Will you let me handle this? I'll do the thinking on this.
Mr. Slater
Yeah, but Ollie, you did the thinking on the last job.
Ollie
Will you be quiet? Now remember what Mr. Slater said. We are not to leave the chicken unless we get the money for it.
Mr. Slater
That's right. No credit.
Ollie
Hey Stanley.
Mrs. Smith
What?
Ollie
I think that man wants to speak to us.
Stanley
Okay fellas, follow me. We'll go up the back way.
Ollie
Of course we intended to go to the rear entrance.
Mr. Slater
Right in here.
Mrs. Smith
Yeah, Touchy guys is never gonn.
Ollie
We never disappoint a customer.
Mr. Slater
Well, our motto is be still Stanley. I guess we don't use our motto anymore.
Stanley
Hey Mike, pull down that shade. I want to give these guys away. Now remember, you guys, first you make the delivery and then later you get the payoff.
Ollie
Now just one moment. There'll be no delivery until you pay the money.
Stanley
Now wait a minute. We always get delivery and pay later.
Mr. Slater
Oh no, none of that. No, no, no credit. No, no. Oh no you don't.
Ollie
God bless you.
Mr. Slater
Oh no.
Ollie
You mean no?
Mr. Slater
N o, no.
Ollie
Will you keep quiet, Stanley?
Stanley
But those were the chief's instructions.
Narrator
The Chief?
Ollie
Yeah, I guess that's what they call the man who's going to pay us the money.
Stanley
Yeah, that's right. We don't use names in deals like this.
Mr. Slater
Where is the chief?
Stanley
Well, he'll be here, just as agreed. First you gotta deliver the goods.
Ollie
Well, that's why we're here.
Stanley
You mean you killed that boy already?
Mr. Slater
Sure, about an hour ago.
Ollie
How do you like that?
Stanley
You guys sure move fast. The chief didn't expect you to work that quick. If I ain't too inquisitive, how do you pros work? You kill em with a regular 45 rod.
Ollie
Oh, oh no sir. On this one we use a standard 14 inch butcher knife.
Narrator
Butcher knife?
Stanley
Don't they put up a fight?
Ollie
Oh yeah. Sometimes they put up a terrible struggle.
Stanley
What do you do then?
Mr. Slater
Ollie holds them by the feet.
Stanley
By the feet?
Mrs. Smith
Yeah.
Ollie
Then Stanley takes the ax and chops off the head.
Stanley
Chops off the head? You know that.
Mr. Slater
Sure, we try to be as gentle as possible.
Stanley
But ain't that kind of gruesome?
Ollie
Oh, after a while you get used to it. It doesn't mean a thing to us now does it Stanley?
Mr. Slater
I should say not. You know we kill as two dozen a day.
Stanley
What?
Ollie
Well now that would be on Saturday of Course.
Stanley
Oh, yes, of course, of course.
Mr. Slater
Sure. Sad days and holidays are our busiest times. Must be an awful strain on you. Oh, no, the strain is on them.
Stanley
These guys ain't human. Tell me, tell me, what do you do with the bodies?
Ollie
Well, now, that depends. Sometimes we deliver them to the customers just as they are.
Mr. Slater
Yeah, but when we get a tough one. Yeah, we dip it in boiling water.
Ollie
That softens him up considerably.
Stanley
What's the matter, Mike? What's the matter? He's wet as a she. This has been too much for him.
Ollie
Perhaps he's a little faint. Here, my good man, let me help you.
Stanley
Get him away from me. Don't let him touch me. Here, have a chair. Michael, get him a cold towel. Corporate. All right, here, relax now, Mike. Take it easy. Hey, what's that? The cops are pulling up in front. Well, come on, let's get out of here quick.
Ollie
Well, they ran away without taking that chicken.
Mr. Slater
Do you think we said something wrong, Ollie?
Ollie
I don't think so, Stanley.
Mrs. Smith
Wait a minute.
Ollie
What is this?
Narrator
Back to Lowland Hardy in just a minute. Now here's Thomas Peluso and the orchestra playing thanks for the Dream Housewives. Here's a message for you. A new simplified plan for the rationing of processed foods, meats, fats and oils has now been put into operation. This new plant is designed to simplify rationing for consumer and dealer alike and cut down on shopping time.
Mrs. Smith
Here's the way it works.
Narrator
Your blue and red stamps in war ration book 4 now have a value of 10 points. The number on the stamp no longer indicates the point value. The blue stamps will be used for processed food only and the red stamps will be used for meats, fats and oils. Blue and red tokens worth one point each will be given as change by dealers when change is required. There's no time limit on these tokens and the blue and red stamps will now have a longer validity period of about 12 weeks. That's all there is to it. Just a new and simple change in the rationing system. Now back to Laurel and Hardy, who seem to have gotten themselves into a bit of trouble. Mistaken for two dangerous killers and closely guarded by the police, Laurel and Hardy have been ushered into the city jail. But obviously the boys don't seem to be quite sure of what it's all about yet.
Mrs. Smith
Just picked up those two trigger men, Sergeant.
Stanley
Okay, okay, come on, bring him in.
Mrs. Smith
Bring em in, Johnson.
Stanley
Get in there, you two.
Ollie
They mean us.
Stanley
Stanley, get over there to the desk. I guess you guys were thinking you could get away with this, huh?
Mr. Slater
Oh, no. Ollie's doing the thinking on this job.
Stanley
Oh, I see. The fat guy. I figured you were the brains the minute I spotted you.
Ollie
Well, now that you mention it, officer. People often remark that I have a very intelligent looking face.
Stanley
Is he kidding? All right, all right. Come on, search him. Murphy.
Mrs. Smith
Come here, you. One boy scout knife, one watt, no accident. 12 cents, three bottle tops. That's all, Sergeant.
Stanley
Okay, now search the little guy.
Mrs. Smith
All right, there's nothing but holes in this guy's pocket. Wait a minute, wait a minute. What are you holding in your hand?
Mr. Slater
Which hand?
Mrs. Smith
Come on, come on, let's have it.
Stanley
Come on, come on. What do you got there? What's this?
Mr. Slater
Oh, that's my yo, yo, officer.
Stanley
Yo, yo. Murphy, take him downstairs and throw them in a cell. These guys must be psychopathic killers.
Mrs. Smith
Okay, you guys get Ms. Stell.
Ollie
Thank you very much, officer. Come along, Stanley.
Mr. Slater
The service is nice here, isn't it, Ollie?
Mrs. Smith
We're so very glad you like it. We aim to please our guests.
Mr. Slater
This is a cozy little place, isn't it? Maybe it's because you're in here too, Ollie.
Mrs. Smith
Do you mind if I lock the door? House regulation, you know.
Ollie
Oh, no, not at all. Go right ahead.
Mr. Slater
Could we have an extra key?
Ollie
You see, Stanley likes to take a.
Mr. Slater
Short walk before bedtime.
Mrs. Smith
Now, isn't that a shame? I don't have an extra key with me, but I'll tell the sergeant to be sure and have one made for you.
Mr. Slater
Ollie.
Ollie
Yes, Stanley?
Mr. Slater
Do you feel hungry?
Ollie
Yeah, I believe that I could do with a little snack.
Mr. Slater
Gee, I'd like a meal like this served to the man in the next cell.
Ollie
You mean the man who's leaving?
Mr. Slater
What's he going away?
Ollie
Is he going away? Didn't you hear them say that they were giving him his last supper?
Mr. Slater
He must like it here. He seemed very unhappy about leaving.
Ollie
Shall we order dinner now, Stanley?
Mr. Slater
I don't see why not, Ollie.
Stanley
Officer. Oh, officer.
Mr. Slater
Room service.
Mrs. Smith
Come on, come on. What's all the noise about?
Ollie
We'd like to place our order for dinner, please.
Mrs. Smith
Oh, you'd like to place your order for dinner?
Mr. Slater
Sure. We eat very regular and we don't like our routine broken.
Mrs. Smith
Oh, no, no, of course not. We mustn't do that.
Ollie
I believe that steaks would be nice. Don't you think so, Stanley?
Mr. Slater
I think so.
Mrs. Smith
Yeah.
Mr. Slater
I believe a steak would be nice. Make mine a thick one.
Ollie
Make that too opposite.
Mr. Slater
Not too thick, too thick.
Mrs. Smith
Steaks.
Ollie
Yeah, but he doesn't want it too Thick?
Mr. Slater
I think I'd like a medium.
Ollie
I think I'd like a medium.
Stanley
No, I think.
Mr. Slater
No, I think I'd rather have it rare.
Stanley
Yeah.
Ollie
Yeah, I see.
Mrs. Smith
Why don't you try it medium rare?
Ollie
Now, that's a very good idea. Make mine the same.
Mrs. Smith
Wouldn't you like some dessert, too?
Ollie
We'll decide about that later. Just bring in the steaks now, my good man.
Mrs. Smith
Oh, gentlemen, I just happen to remember we're fresh out of steaks. But in the meantime, here's our blue plate special for today. Bread and water.
Narrator
In a cold, gray room of the city jail, three grim detectives are relentlessly grilling their two suspects, Laurel and Hardy. The two boys are seated under the merciless glare of an arc lamp while the detectives fire away at them. The third degree has been going on for five hours now. But strangely enough, the detectives seem to be more exhausted than their captives.
Mrs. Smith
For the last time, are you guys gonna confess or not?
Stanley
Come on, spill it. You've sat under that hot light all week.
Mrs. Smith
We've been easy on you guys, but we can get rough.
Ollie
Now, really, gentlemen, this whole thing is a mistake. We don't have the least idea what you're talking about.
Mr. Slater
Maybe. Perhaps if we came back some other time.
Stanley
You're gonna stay right here. We know who you are. We got you dead to rights.
Mr. Slater
Now talk.
Ollie
Yes, sir. The man wants us to talk, Sterling.
Mrs. Smith
All right.
Mr. Slater
What would you like to talk about?
Mrs. Smith
I don't know.
Ollie
What would you like to talk about, Stanley?
Mr. Slater
Oh, I don't care. Anything you want to talk, let's talk about your mem. If.
Stanley
Now, listen, you must. I'm gonna give you one more chance. Start singing.
Mr. Slater
Singing?
Mrs. Smith
Come on.
Ollie
Why, we'd be delighted.
Mrs. Smith
Maisie dose and Doby dose and little.
Stanley
Mamsie tiger shut tiddly winks and winky.
Mr. Slater
Tiddles and tiddle and tibby and too and wooden shoes or something.
Stanley
Now, look, you two.
Mrs. Smith
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Narrator
Donovan.
Mrs. Smith
Wait a minute. I've got an idea. What? Come over here.
Mr. Slater
I wonder why they're mad at us, Ollie. Why should they arrest us?
Ollie
It's probably that Mr. Kingsley. He was very angry because you didn't deliver his chicken.
Mr. Slater
Well, it served him right for calling me a nurk.
Ollie
He didn't call you a nick, Stanley. He called you a jerk.
Mr. Slater
Oh, well, that's different. Maybe I shouldn't be mad at him. I shouldn't be mad at him.
Ollie
Say, say, does this strong light bother you, Stanley?
Mr. Slater
No, Ollie, but I got an awful kink in my neck. From sitting in this chair so long.
Ollie
Here, Stanley, sit closer to the lamp. The heat will do your neck good.
Mr. Slater
Thank you. Ollie pointed towards my apple.
Ollie
Say, I wonder what they're whispering about over there.
Mrs. Smith
Now, look, man, we've been grilling these dudes for five hours and we haven't broken them yet.
Stanley
Can't stand them much longer. I'm cracking up.
Mrs. Smith
Yeah, me too. My nerves are all shot to pieces. I'd like to murder the both of them. No, that's where you boys are wrong. These guys aren't just ordinary mugs. They're clever. They're putting on the dumb act. We've got to outsmart them.
Mr. Slater
So what do we do?
Stanley
Act dumb too?
Mrs. Smith
Of course we don't act dumb. We gotta use psychology on em.
Stanley
Get it?
Mrs. Smith
Use brains against brains, right? Yeah. Now, first I'll use the friendly approach. If that doesn't work, we'll break down their nerves. Fine. You got the file ready, Donovan?
Mr. Slater
Yeah, right here.
Mrs. Smith
Okay. Now, when I give you the word, start filing on that iron bar. Steady and monotonous. Like that ought to drive them crazy. Brickhouse, you'll be ready with the water. Let's go. Well, look, boss, boys, you've got us all wrong. We're just trying to help you. All we want is a little information. We know that you boys didn't want to do all those killings, did you?
Mr. Slater
No, sir. But we got so many orders, so we had to do them.
Ollie
And after all, business is business.
Mrs. Smith
Of course it is. Now, you see, Brickhouse, I told you there were a couple of nice boys. Now, now, tell me, boys, who were the parties that ordered them killed?
Ollie
Oh, we're very sorry, but we can't divulge that.
Mrs. Smith
So you still won't confess?
Mr. Slater
Well, our customer list is very confidential. Somebody might cut in on our business.
Ollie
We'd really like to tell you, sir, but it's a professional secret.
Mrs. Smith
Okay, Donovan.
Mr. Slater
Ollie, that sound.
Stanley
Can't stand it, can ya?
Mr. Slater
Oh, I don't mind it. It just reminds me I'd like to borrow Ollie's fingernail file.
Ollie
Here you are, Stanley. And be careful of your cuticle.
Mrs. Smith
Go ahead. Brickhouse. Wouldn't you like a nice cool drink of water? No, thank you.
Mr. Slater
I'm not a bit thirsty either.
Mrs. Smith
Here, Brickhouse, give it to me. I need it bad. Oh, that's better.
Stanley
Donovan, will you stop that noise? You're driving me nuts. I was driving my son. Now you listen to me, you two gorillas.
Mrs. Smith
I want to know where you were at 12:30 yesterday. Now, come on, come on. And quit stalling.
Ollie
12:30. Now let me see, Ollie, wasn't that when we stopped? No, Stanley, that was 2:00 at 12. Betty, we were going to kill.
Mrs. Smith
Yes, yes. You were saying you were going to kill.
Ollie
No, but we didn't do it.
Mr. Slater
That's right. Mr. Jones wouldn't pay the ceiling price.
Stanley
Gustavus Prices.
Ollie
Of course, we wouldn't want to break the law.
Mrs. Smith
Now, now we're getting someplace. I suppose this was one of the Kerrigan bunch you were going to kill yesterday.
Mr. Slater
Kerrigan?
Ollie
Yes.
Mr. Slater
I never heard of them.
Mrs. Smith
Have you, Ollie? No.
Ollie
We were going to kill an ordinary Leghorn.
Stanley
Must be an out of town mob.
Mr. Slater
Well, we don't care where they come from.
Mrs. Smith
I've never heard anything like this as.
Narrator
Long as I've been on the.
Mrs. Smith
How many do you figure you've killed altogether?
Ollie
Oh, hundreds. We don't count them.
Stanley
Hundreds?
Mr. Slater
Yeah. You see, business is picked up because we don't require ration points.
Stanley
Ration points?
Mrs. Smith
Now listen to me. Wise guys don't try to get two.
Stanley
Take it easy. 18 years. But I never come up against anything like this. Don't worry about me.
Mrs. Smith
I'm okay boys.
Ollie
I'm okay. Don't worry about me.
Mrs. Smith
There's only one thing to do. We'll question them one at a time. Yeah. Yeah. Get up here, you.
Mr. Slater
Who, me?
Mrs. Smith
Yeah, you stand here next to me. I'll take care of you.
Mr. Slater
Next.
Mrs. Smith
Now listen, Hardy.
Ollie
Yes sir.
Mrs. Smith
You may as well spill the whole thing. We've got the cold on the day before yesterday, what were your movements? Just what were you doing?
Mr. Slater
Yes, Ollie, just what were you doing?
Ollie
Why, Stanley, I was with.
Mrs. Smith
Yes, yes, yes. Who were you with, Stanley?
Ollie
You know perfectly well that I was with you.
Mr. Slater
Oh, that's right. He was with me.
Stanley
I don't care. I'm going to quit. I'll give up the benching against. Hello? Yes, Chief. Uh huh. Okay, Chief. Well, we can let him go. Boys. The chief says the whole thing was a mistake. They picked up the real killers at the railroad station.
Mrs. Smith
You mean we can get rid of these two?
Stanley
That's right. The Chief says they're as harmless as a couple of babes.
Mrs. Smith
Harmless as a couple of babes. Now get out of here you two. Get out before I tear you apart with my bare hands.
Ollie
Come on, Stanley. I don't think the man wants us here.
Mr. Slater
Pardon me, sir, but would you mind if I stayed a few minutes longer so the lamp can bake the other side of my neck?
Ollie
He's got a bad kink in it.
Mrs. Smith
Kink?
Stanley
In it.
Mrs. Smith
I'll put a break in it.
Stanley
I'll. I'll blow them out. Quick. Get out, too. Get out.
Ollie
He certainly was a tempestuous man, wasn't he, Stanley?
Mr. Slater
He sure was. And he had a bad temper too. Say, Ollie.
Stanley
What?
Mr. Slater
I wonder if we said anything to upset him.
Ollie
How could we possibly upset any.
Mrs. Smith
It.
Episode Summary
Harold's Old Time Radio
Release Date: January 14, 2025
In the episode titled "Laurel and Hardy: Mr. Slater's Poultry Market," Harold's Old Time Radio transports listeners back to the Golden Age of Radio, spotlighting the timeless comedic duo Laurel and Hardy. Set against the backdrop of Mr. Slater's bustling poultry market during a period of manpower shortages, the episode seamlessly blends classic humor with engaging narrative twists.
The episode opens with Mrs. Smith expressing her frustration over Laurel and Hardy's performance at the poultry market. Employed by Mr. Slater, the duo is tasked with delivering chickens amidst a chaotic work environment exacerbated by limited manpower.
Mrs. Smith confronts Mr. Slater about Laurel and Hardy’s tardiness in delivering a chicken to a busy customer, Mr. Cunningham.
Upon their return, Laurel and Hardy report a successful delivery, having cleverly outmaneuvered Mr. Cunningham by securing payment without accepting any credit.
Simultaneously, the narrative shifts to a dimly lit hotel room where three dangerous criminals await the arrival of two hired killers. These antagonists, known for their ruthlessness, are introduced as formidable threats sought by every police department.
Laurel and Hardy, while executing another delivery, mistakenly end up in a perilous situation involving the criminals. Their obliviousness leads to a series of comedic yet tense encounters, culminating in their wrongful arrest.
Laurel and Hardy find themselves in a city jail, subjected to intense interrogation by fatigued detectives. Their attempts to explain the misunderstandings only deepen the confusion.
During the interrogation, Laurel and Hardy's characteristic naivety and bumbling responses inadvertently frustrate the criminals further, leading to a humorous stalemate.
The episode concludes with the arrival of the police chief, who clarifies the mix-up. Laurel and Hardy are exonerated as the real criminals are apprehended at a separate location.
Mrs. Smith, still irate, berates Laurel and Hardy for the confusion before they exit, leaving listeners with a blend of relief and amusement.
"Laurel and Hardy: Mr. Slater's Poultry Market" masterfully intertwines classic slapstick comedy with elements of suspense and mistaken identity. The episode highlights themes of:
This episode encapsulates the enduring charm of Laurel and Hardy, blending humor with a captivating storyline that keeps listeners engaged from start to finish. Through a series of comedic errors and unforeseen twists, Laurel and Hardy not only entertain but also inadvertently contribute to resolving the central conflict, staying true to their legacy as beloved comedic icons.
Note: All timestamps correspond to moments within the provided transcript, ensuring accurate attribution of quotes and events.