Leave It To Mike 1946-04-04 Broad As A Barn Door

Summary

---

Podcast Summary: Leave It To Mike – "Broad As A Barn Door"

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Date: November 3, 2025 (Original Air Date: April 4, 1946)
Host: Mutual Broadcasting System Presenters

---

Overview

This episode of Leave It To Mike, a sitcom from the golden age of radio, features the hapless yet earnest Mike McNally, general manager at Berkeley's Sporting Goods Store. The central plot revolves around Mike's comedic misadventures as he aspires to become a great actor to impress his sweetheart Dinny and his boss—only to discover he’s in over his head.

---

Key Discussion Points & Plot Breakdown

1. Mike’s Ambitions and Dinny’s Challenge

• [01:25] After a movie night, Mike’s girlfriend Dinny teases and challenges him to break out of his dull job and pursue greatness—ideally, as a dramatic actor like Gary Cooper.
  • Dinny: "If only you were exactly like him [Gary Cooper]... If you had a profound personality... I’d be proud to marry you then, Mike.” (02:37)
• Mike recounts his dubious acting pedigree through a series of self-deprecating jokes and puns about bad roles and amateur performances.

2. Meet the Eccentric Armor Swift

• [05:37] Dinny encourages Mike to impress visiting theater luminary Armor Swift ("like Orson Welles... Alfred Hitchcock... a genius of the theater").
• Swift is introduced with absurd affectations—he claims his book contains no words and is used for balancing on actors' heads.
  • Armor Swift: “Who puts words in books? My book teaches people how to act. It weighs seven pounds.” (07:46)
• Mike attempts to showcase his talents with Shakespearean recitations and song snippets, earning only Swift's amused bafflement and an invitation to try out for his radio program.

3. Preparation for Stardom

• [13:35] Dinny and Mr. Berkeley discuss their hopes (and reservations) for Mike’s debut, with Mr. Berkeley inviting important customers to witness the event.
  • Mr. Berkeley: “McNally’s acting genius will make his radio debut the biggest thing since Charlie McCarthy interviewed Mae West.” (13:23)
• Mike seeks acting help from co-worker Jennifer and endures a bawdy retelling of her New Year’s party.

4. Radio Parodies and Practice

• [17:15] In characteristic meta-humor, Mike tunes in to a “backwards” radio soap opera parody, then tries (and fails) to rehearse Romeo and Juliet with stockroom worker Mr. Gribble, who stuffs Juliet’s mouth with marshmallows and derails the scene with wisecracks.

5. Rehearsal and Reality Bites

• [24:46] At the actual rehearsal for Armor Swift’s program, Mike is gradually demoted from a significant part to a silent corpse as Swift revises the script in exasperation:
  • Armor Swift: “Perhaps you’ll get killed on page 18... page 7... When do I get killed?... When the show begins.” (25:53)
• Mike learns that his big radio debut is nothing more than making the “pop” sound of a soda bottle—a realization delivered in a perfectly deadpan exchange with Mr. Berkeley.

6. The Final Gag and Wrap-Up

• [27:34] Mike discloses the disappointing nature of his role to his boss, who’s mortified after hyping Mike’s acting to key customers.
  • Mike: “In that announcement, after they say the stuff about Fizz, they open a soda bottle... I’m gonna bring the bottle open.” (27:38)
• The episode closes with the classic door/window mix-up and a sendoff set to a characteristically silly song title.

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Mike, on acting inspiration:
  “Maybe if I was a bit more like Gary Cooper...” (02:11)
• On acting teachers:
  Dinny: “Study Bolaslavski, Ousman... Stanislavski and to Genev. You’re familiar with their work, aren’t you?”
  Mike: “Ms. Backfield Notre Dame ever had.” (04:19)
• Armor Swift on his book:
  “My book teaches people how to act. It weighs seven pounds.” (07:46)
• Mike’s Shakespeare audition:
  Mike: “Beneath the spreading chestnut tree... Good, huh, Mr. Swift?” (10:03)
• Armor Swift’s assessment:
  “You recite trees with all the enthusiasm of a pack of dogs. Now get me gone.” (10:32-10:37)
• Jennifer on New Year's:
  “Uncle Charlie threw a saddle over a bottle of White Horse and started looking for Indians.” (14:19)
• Berkeley’s analysis of Mike as an actor:
  Dinny: “Personally, I think as an actor Mike conveys two emotions.”
  Mr. Berkeley: “Two emotions?”
  Dinny: “Joy and indigestion.” (22:10-22:12)
• Mike’s big chance revealed:
  Mike: “I’m gonna bring the bottle open.” (27:38)

---

Important Segment Timestamps

• Mike’s Movie-Inspired Ambition: (01:25 – 04:53)
• Meeting Armor Swift & The “Silent” Acting Book: (06:49 – 08:16)
• Mike’s Shakespearean “Audition”: (10:03 – 10:39)
• Preparation (Dinny & Berkeley Scheme): (13:08 – 13:35)
• Radio Parody/Backwards Soap Opera: (17:15 – 18:24)
• Romeo and Juliet Skit: (19:17 – 21:28)
• Rehearsal with Swift – Mike’s ‘Death Scene’: (24:46 – 25:57)
• Reveal of Mike’s Real Role: (27:34 – 27:42)

---

Summary Tone & Style

This episode playfully satirizes 1940s radio and stage drama, blending affectionate mockery with slapstick and verbal wit. Armor Swift channels theatrical pomposity while Mike good-naturedly bumbles his way through inflated dreams and farcical setbacks. The dialogue sparkles with puns, running gags, and affectionate lampooning of backstage egos and radio’s “golden age” tropes.

---

Conclusion

By the end, Mike's aspiration has comically crashed into reality—his debut as a “bottle opener” lands far short of the stardom he (and his boss) anticipated. The episode stands out for rapid-fire repartee, theatrical satire, and charmingly low-stakes showbiz silliness, emblematic of old-time radio's blend of innocence and sharp wit.

---

Transcript

[A]

Most people would rather remove a nest of irate hornets than search for auto and home insurance. That's why the zebra searches for you. Comparing over 100 insurance companies to find savings no one else can compare. Today@the zebra.com. i think I'll wait inside.

[B]

Leave it to Mike. Mike McNaul.

[C]

Yes, Mr. Barkley.

[B]

Mike, why did you.

[C]

No, Mr. Barkley. I can explain everything.

[D]

Mutual presents. Leave it to Mike. With Walter kinsella as Mike McNally. Mike's the general manager of Berkeley Sporting Goods Store, that famous downtown shop that's been serving the city for more than 30 years. Well, Mike, what's new at the store?

[C]

Well, we just received a brand new product, Mr. Barry. Hmm?

[D]

What is it?

[C]

Klutzmeier's Winter Underwear. The slogan is, are you wearing Klutzmeyer's longies? If so, what's Klutzmeyer supposed to wear?

[D]

Say, you take a great interest in your job, don't you, Mike?

[C]

Absolutely, Mr. Barry. It's the only way to succeed. Never give up trying to be a business genius. For instance, take a man like John Hancock. Isn't he marvelous?

[D]

John Hancock?

[C]

Yeah. Just look at him. Dead for 150 years and still selling insurance.

[D]

And that's Mike McNally.

[C]

That's me. Yes, it is. Very true.

[D]

It's a lovely evening, the first night of the new year. And Mike McNally is just leaving his neighborhood motion picture theater with his beautiful sweetheart, Denny Wiig, who works with Mike at Berkeley sporting goods store. McNally, the dashing man about town, the gay socialite, makes a suggestion to Denny about their after theater entertainment. Does McNally say, let's go to the store club and dance? Does McNally say, let's go to the Waldorf and dine?

[C]

No, McNally says, let's go to your house and neck.

[E]

Oh, Mike, you never talked like that before.

[C]

I know, Denny, but I'm a new man. I've changed ever since I saw Gary Cooper. Albuquerque. Briefcase.

[E]

Albuquerque. Briefcase.

[C]

That's the word. Albuquerque. Briefcase. It's a western version of Saratoga Trunk.

[E]

Mike, will you be serious?

[C]

I am being serious, Dinny, darling, going to the movies always has an effect on me. And when I see what a he man that Gary Cooper is, what a great actor he is, makes me think, you know, maybe I ought to be more like him.

[E]

You certainly should.

[C]

I saw Gary Cooper in that picture about a Good Humor man, too.

[E]

A movie about a Good Humor man?

[B]

Mm.

[C]

For Whom the bell tolls.

[E]

Mike McNally, if you don't stop counting.

[C]

All right, Jenny, it's Just that I was thinking that, well, maybe if I was a bit more like Gary Cooper.

[E]

A bit more? Oh, Mike, if only you were exactly like him. If you were big and strong and powerful. If you had a profound personality like all those great actors.

[C]

You want me to be a great actor? Didn't he?

[E]

Oh, it would be wonderful, Mike. Instead of that silly, dull job you have working for Mr. Berkeley. I'd be proud to marry you then, Mike.

[C]

I'll tell everybody how sweet you are.

[E]

I'll tell everybody how sweet you are.

[C]

I'll tell everybody how much fun you are.

[E]

I'll tell everybody how much fun you are.

[C]

I'll tell everybody how well you make love.

[E]

I'll think of something.

[C]

Jenny, I'll be a great actor someday. Just wait and see. You know, I had acting experience in high school.

[E]

You did?

[F]

Uh huh.

[C]

I played the part of the bulb in the light that failed.

[G]

Good part, bad joke.

[C]

I was in the movie the Woman in the Window. I rented Binoculars the Wolves across the Street.

[G]

Good part, bad joke.

[C]

I was the reconversion director in Dr. Jaeckel and Mr. Hyde. Every time Dr. Jaeckel changed into Mr. Hyde, I reminded him to put his money in the other pants.

[G]

Good part, bad joke.

[C]

I was in the last Weekend. They played the part of the cork. Good God. Lousy joke. Then, of course, you know, we had a great actor in the dramatic pageant Berkley's put on for Christmas.

[E]

Really?

[C]

Yeah. You know those horses with the two men inside? Those Vardeburn horses? Well, this fella played the front end of the horse.

[E]

Who played the other end?

[C]

Well, Hitler must be hiding somewhere.

[G]

Bad part.

[C]

Ah, but good joke.

[E]

Mike, darling, let's be serious. If you really want to make me happy, if you really want to get out of the rut you're in and become a great actor, why don't you do something about it? Why don't you study with a great dramatic teacher? Study Bolaslavski, Ousmane, Skye, Stanislavski and to Genev. You're familiar with their work, aren't you?

[C]

Ms. Backfield Notre Dame ever had.

[E]

Mike, how will you ever get anywhere? You're always fooling around. You've got to study acting for years. You've got to live the part. I know a great actress. Her name is Alice Goodkin.

[C]

What's her name?

[E]

Alice Goodkin. When she played in Beggar on Horseback, she rode a horse all day. When she played in Night Flight, she flew a plane all day. When she played in Luxury Liner, she sailed on a boat all day.

[C]

It's a good thing she wasn't in the Birth of a.

[E]

Now, you've got to stop pounding, Mike. Face the truth about yourself. You're not famous. You're not a big success.

[C]

I'm not her. Why, Jenny. Wig. My dear girl, do you know that last week when I came to work, when I stepped off the train, there were thousands of people standing on the platform, cheering? There was a brass band. Guns were firing a salute.

[E]

I don't believe it.

[C]

You don't? Well, just ask President Truman. He was standing right behind me.

[E]

What's got into you, Mike? You're not talking sense at all. The fact is that you do want to be famous. You decided after we saw that movie that you want to be a great actor. But what are you going to do about it?

[C]

Ah, there's great hope for me, Dinny, darling. Last week when my lodge gave a play and I was in it, the lobby was absolutely jammed. You couldn't get near the theater because.

[E]

You were so terrific.

[C]

No. In the slot machines they had Hershey boys.

[E]

Look, Mike, do you know who's in Mr. Berkley's office?

[C]

Who?

[E]

Armor Swift, the great actor.

[C]

Armor Swift. What a ham he must be.

[E]

He's not a ham. He's like Orson Wellesley. He's like Walter Pigeon. He's also like Alfred Hitchcock. He's an actor, a director, a writer. He's a genius of the theater. There's nothing in the theater he can't do.

[C]

And he scraped the gum off the bottom of the seats.

[E]

I said, there's nothing in the theater he can't do.

[C]

And he smoke in the orchestra without getting caught.

[E]

You go into Mr. Berkeley's office this minute. Mike McNally, you try to make an impression on Mr.

[C]

Swift.

[E]

Maybe he'll like you. Maybe he'll find a part for you in one of his new productions. He has a radio show? A repertory theater. He makes motion pictures. Go on, Mike.

[C]

What will I tell him? How will I impress him?

[E]

Well, just go in there and, well, show him that you're a man of many moves. That you have a profound side and a humorous side. Show him that you can portray any emotion. Show him that you can quote from Shakespeare and all the other masters. Go ahead, Mike.

[C]

Okay, Dinny. I'll impress Armor Swift. I'll show him how versatile I am. Why, I've done everything. I was even in the Aquacade.

[E]

What were you, a drip?

[B]

Sit down, Mr. Swift.

[C]

Rest yourself.

[F]

Oh, I never rest on my laurels. Who's talking about laurels?

[B]

Sit down on whatever it Is you.

[F]

Sit down. I must walk, walk, walk. I must keep myself perpendicular to the floor until 5pm it stimulates the brain cells. And from 5 until 7, I am horizontal. It stimulates my metatarsals, that is, my rest period.

[B]

What are you, from 7 until bedtime.

[F]

Catty Corner. Mr. Berkeley. Cathy Corner.

[B]

We're proud to have a distinguished actor and director like you with us in the store, Mr. Swift.

[F]

I'm delighted to be here. We expect to sell a lot of.

[B]

Copies of your book on how to act.

[F]

My book? Ah, yes. It's a mirror masterpiece. Nothing that any genius couldn't write. It's the last word in how to act.

[B]

You know, frankly, Mr. Swift, I tried to read the book, but I didn't understand it. There weren't any words printed on the pages.

[C]

Words?

[F]

How old fashioned. Who puts words in books? My book teaches people how to act. It weighs seven pounds.

[B]

What has that got to do with it?

[F]

Don't you know that the most important thing in acting is poise and posture? Haven't you ever seen actors practicing by walking up and down the room with a book on their heads? That is what my book is for. Balancing it on your head. Why, I wouldn't be surprised if it were chosen by the Book of the Year Club.

[B]

Don't you mean the Book of the Month Club?

[F]

No, the Book of the Year Club. For people who read slowly.

[B]

I'm sorry to rush you, Mr. Swift, but you know you're due in the book department to autograph your work.

[F]

Oh, yes, undoubtedly. There are thousands of me admirers waiting to greet me. The price of fame. You work and slave and give of your best to create artistic achievements. And after you die, what have you got? Immortality.

[C]

And pie upon you.

[F]

Thou varlet, uncomely name desperado.

[C]

Ha, ha.

[F]

Fame and fortune. You work all your life to give the world one beautiful inspiration after another. And after you die, what happens?

[B]

Yes, what happens?

[F]

What happens? Warner Bros. Makes the story of your life with Don Amici. As the immortal Bard says, why, what an ass am I. Hamlet, Act 2, Scene 4.

[B]

Sit down, Mr. Swift. Don't knock yourself out.

[F]

As the immortal Bard said, out, out, free candle. Life is but a walking shadow. A poor player who struts and frets his hour upon the stage. Macbeth, Act 5, Scene 5, Line 11.

[B]

Sit down, Mr.

[D]

Swift.

[B]

You'll get a blowout in your adenoids.

[F]

I'll never forget when I did Shakespeare down south. I was doing Polonius advice to his son Laertes. Neither a bower nor a lender be Son a lender that is give thou thoughts.

[C]

No tongue. Tongue. I mean.

[F]

Hamlet, act one, scene tune, line 47.

[B]

Ah, there you are. This is my general manager.

[C]

Hello. Hello there.

[B]

Mr. Barclay, meet Armor Swift.

[C]

Ah, Mr. Swift. Boots, boots, boots. Marching up and down again. Good, huh? Mr. Swift.

[F]

Don't tell me your name, young man. I want to hate you incognito.

[C]

Swift. You're always on the lookout for new talent, aren't you? Don't you want to at least hear me? Beneath the spreading chestnut tree the village smithy stands the Smith the mighty man is he with large and sinewy hands Good home, Mr. Smith.

[F]

Why do you walk around like that when you can be buried for as little as $150?

[C]

Give me a chance, Mr. Swift. Listen to this. I think that I should ever see a poem lovely as a tree. Good. Her, Mr. Swift.

[F]

McNally, you recite trees with all the enthusiasm of a pack of dogs.

[B]

Now get me gone.

[C]

Yes, yes.

[B]

You better run along, Mike. You're bothering Mr.

[C]

Swift.

[B]

I just wanted you to say hello. But now Mr. Swift has to go downstairs and autograph his books.

[C]

Well, if you're not interested in acting, Mr. Swift, they can sing, too. And the road to Mandalay where the flying fishes pullet and the dawn comes up like thunder out of Brooklyn, cross the bay.

[F]

Do that again, McNelly.

[C]

Sing it again.

[F]

No, no, no. Just that last part where your voice was so resonant.

[C]

Resonant. Resonant, resonant.

[F]

I'm looking for someone with that voice quality.

[B]

Surely you're joking, Mr.

[C]

Swift.

[B]

You couldn't use McNally in one of your shows, could you?

[F]

I said I'm looking for someone with that timbre in his.

[C]

That's what. Timber. Timber.

[G]

Timber.

[C]

Want a toothpick?

[F]

You'll be at Studio 12 of the Cosmopolitan Broadcasting Company. McNally, tomorrow at noon. I have a part for you. A very interesting part.

[C]

Not really.

[F]

Absolutely. You'll go down in history with Orson.

[C]

Welles as a radioactive.

[F]

Not as Rita Hayworth's husband.

[C]

Isn't it fine? Fine. Just fine.

[F]

Yes.

[B]

Imagine that, McNally, you're going to perform on the air with Armor Swift.

[C]

Ah, Denny, be so proud of me.

[D]

Tomorrow, tomorrow.

[F]

Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day.

[B]

Macbeth, Act 5, Scene 5, Line 11.

[F]

Well, I'll be running along.

[C]

Okay, but don't open the door. This has the way out. It's the closet, not the door. It's the closet, not that door.

[F]

What were you saying, McNally?

[C]

I said not that door. It's the closet. That's a quotation, too. Federal Magee, Act 2, Scene 3, Line 17.

[E]

Gee, isn't it wonderful about Mike, Mr. Berkley?

[B]

It certainly is. Didn't he? I knew all the time he was a talented fellow.

[E]

I suppose when he becomes a famous actor, he'll be leaving Berkeley's.

[B]

Well, then I wish him Godspeed. Dinny. I don't mind if he leaves the store to go on to greater things. But when he goes on the air tomorrow night, he'll be performing a great service of Berkeley's.

[E]

A great service? I don't understand.

[B]

Well, you see, Denny, I've invited 12 of my most important customers to the broadcast to see Mike perform. When they realize that Berkeley Storr hires men of such outstanding talent and initiative, they'll surely double all their business. Here.

[E]

Are you sure you're not being a little bit hasty?

[B]

Oh, no. I have faith in McNally's ability. Why, I've gone to all kinds of trouble to get these customers to attend the broadcast. I'm sending special cars to pick them up. I bought a dozen white orchids for their wives. McNally's acting genius will make his radio debut. The biggest thing since Charlie McCarthy interviewed Mae West.

[E]

You're probably right, Mr. Berkeley. Mike certainly is taking the radio thing seriously. Do you know what he's doing now?

[B]

No, what?

[E]

He's down in the recreation room with Jennifer. His ears are booed to the radio. He says that if you want to be a great radio actor, you've got to know every program on the air.

[C]

Oh, hello there, Jennifer. What's that tall, skinny thing?

[G]

That's a mop.

[C]

A mop?

[G]

Yeah. If it was Frank Sinatra, I'd be wearing Barbie socks.

[C]

Well, Jennifer, old girl, did you have a good time last night at the New Year's Eve party?

[G]

Good time? Asking me if I had a good time is like asking Gabriel Heater if there's good news tonight. Why, that was the finest party I ever seen.

[C]

Was everybody lit up?

[G]

Lit up? It's the first time I ever saw a Christmas tree blush with shame.

[C]

Was it really that wild?

[G]

Why, Uncle Charlie threw a saddle over a bottle of White Horse and started looking for Indians McNally. The only day of the year I take firewater is New Year's Eve. But last night there was so much scotch flowing that my boyfriend and I.

[C]

Went home separately because of the Scotch. You went home separately?

[G]

Yeah. He took the high road and I took the low road.

[C]

Plenty of scotch, hey?

[G]

Yeah. And about 11 o' clock. Haig turned to Haig and said, let's get out of here before we get pinched. But you should have seen my cousin, Nylon Sam.

[C]

Why do you call him Nylon Sam?

[G]

Well, he made a mistake and drank a fifth of liquid leg makeup.

[C]

I suppose he got so high he couldn't walk a straight seam. I had one or two drinks. My son, Jennifer.

[G]

Well, if I know you, McNally, one's enough.

[C]

What'd you drink? Horses. Nick.

[G]

I don't care about a horse's love life. What did you drink?

[E]

French wine.

[C]

But it didn't taste so good. You know that French wine, they trampled on the grapes with their feet.

[G]

Well, why didn't it taste good?

[C]

Gee, I chose.

[G]

Oh, was it powerful?

[C]

Powerful? I took one sip and became a singer.

[G]

A singer?

[C]

Uh huh. I went out and sang a duet with a lamppost.

[G]

Well, that was the nicest New Year Eve party we ever had. We toasted to victory at midnight.

[C]

Did he do?

[G]

Yes, sir. My sister Bessie's boyfriend is in the Navy and mine is in the army. So first she proposed a toast and we drank to Admiral Nimitz. Then it was my turn. And we drank to General Eisenhower.

[C]

Yes.

[G]

Then it was Bessie's turn and we drank to Admiral Halsey. Then my turn again. And we drank to General MacArthur. Then Bessie drank to Admiral King. Then I drank to General Hodges. Then Bessie drank to Admiral Lee. Then I drank to General Wainwright. Then McNally. Do you know how many admirals and generals there are in the United States Armed Forces?

[B]

No.

[C]

How many?

[G]

About three and a half quarts.

[C]

Hey, how long did this go on?

[G]

Well, Bessie went on to Commander Robert Montgomery, and then I drank to Captain Eddie Rickenbacker. And then what else happened? Well, I don't know. Everything went black when we got to Private Hardgroves.

[C]

Listen, Jennifer, I came down here to study acting. Now, you've got a big part on the radio tomorrow night.

[G]

That's what I call Killing the Killer Cycles.

[C]

Ah, yes, Armor Swift, the big radio writer, producer and actors using me on his big program. And he told me that I've got to learn to be a radioactor by practicing hard and listening to the radio.

[G]

Then Turn it on, McNally. Turn it on. It's just about time for one of them daytime serials.

[C]

Okay, here goes. We listen to the daytime serials. Maybe I can learn something about acting.

[H]

Ah, good afternoon, friends. Once again, it is time for the Straw Cab program, brought to you by the makers of Straw Cab. Remember, Straw Cab spelled backwards is backwards. A straw cab company makes sloot Hub, which spelled backwards is buttons. The buttons go on your underwear and underwear. Backwards is very uncomfortable. Now another episode in the story of Primrose Honeysuckle Girl Dockwalloper. Of course, this being the Straw Cab program where we do everything backwards. We bring you our dramatic sequence backwards. As the story opens, Primrose backs in through a door and says to Craig.

[I]

Whitlock, me love you that say you don't. Why Craig?

[F]

Oh, else somebody with love in. Am I fool you?

[G]

Because holy smokes, McNally, they're talking backwards.

[C]

Yeah, backwards talking. Now that Jennifer smokes holy.

[I]

You to belongs my half mind that you know you don't but.

[H]

And so, friends, we have brought you the backwards program sponsored by Straw Cabinet. Listen in yesterday and find out what.

[C]

Didn'T happen tomorrow.

[D]

Afternoon.

[B]

Good.

[C]

That's enough of that. I guess so. That's what they mean when they say radio drama. Gosh, I ought to be able act as well as that when Armor Swift has me on his program. Well, I better do a little practicing. Oh, look, Jennifer, I have the balcony scene here from Romeo and Juliet. Would you play Juliet while I read the part of Romeo?

[G]

Well, I can't, McNally. I have work to do here in the basement. Gotta keep the store clean for Mr. Berkeley, you know. But if you want to practice the balcony scene, I'll find someone who will play it with you. Somebody I know in the stock room.

[C]

Okay, Jennifer. Thanks a lot. You find someone in the stock room who play Juliet to my Romeo.

[B]

Soft.

[C]

What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun. Ah, the brightness of her cheek would shame the stars. See how she leans her cheek upon her hand. Or that I wear a glove upon that hand, that I may touch that cheek.

[J]

Oh, peach fuzz. Romeo.

[C]

She speaks. Is that speaking? O, speak again, bright angel. For thou art as glorious as this night. Be in o' er my head as is a winged messenger of heaven. Speak. Speak.

[J]

I can't. My mouth is full of marshmallows.

[C]

O Juliet, with love's light wings did I o' er perch these walls. Fearful lest thy rash parent, thy father should find us in this trysting place. Thy father is a Capulet, and my father Montague.

[J]

I thought your father was Irish.

[C]

Please, Mr. Cribble, try to do this thing right. Mr. Berkeley's invited all his friends and customers to see me in armor. Swift's production. I've got to practice acting. And from the third page, fart speech. O Juliet, fairest one, thine eyes are burning jewels. Thy lips Are two flames of Azire. Thy hair is a reddish firebrand.

[J]

What are you giving me, a hot foot?

[C]

Please, Mr. Gribble, read the part. You're supposed to be Juliet. Lady, by yonder blessed moon, I swear the tips with silver. Are these fruit tree tops?

[J]

Oh, swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon.

[C]

Then, fair one. What, oh, what shall I swear by?

[J]

Don't swear at all. It's nasty.

[C]

Mr. Gribble, please read the past. Go on.

[J]

Ah, Romeo, my Romeo. Leavest me not. Now come but up to my balcony and kiss me. Kiss me until yon cows come home.

[C]

I'd rather wait and kiss the cows.

[G]

Ah, but halt.

[J]

Why dost thou leave me?

[C]

I must leave you. I must.

[J]

But whither goest thou?

[C]

I go to push a peanut with my nose across the Brooklyn bridge.

[J]

But why?

[C]

I bet on USC in the rose bowl games.

[B]

Well, Denny, how's Mike coming along with his acting?

[E]

I don't know, Mr. Berkeley, but I hear that he's listening to the radio, practicing Shakespeare, getting all set for his dramatic debut with Arma Swift.

[B]

I hope McNally gives a great performance. I made my wife Emma give up an important date to go to the program with us, and all of my biggest customers will be my personal guests to see what McNally does.

[E]

Well, I hope it works out all right. I've never thought of Mike as a great actor, but I suppose Armor Swift knows talent when he sees it. Personally, I think that as an actor. Yes, as an actor, Mike conveys two emotions.

[B]

Two emotions?

[F]

What are they?

[E]

Joy and indigestion.

[C]

It's almost time for the rehearsal, McNally. Time for Mr. Swift to present you with the part that you're going to play. Better turn on the radio once more and listen to some real dramatic acting so you know what to do. Here's the switch. We'll see what's on.

[I]

Hello, Hello, Dear, dear lady. This is to Luna Fathead, bringing you my daily visit with recipes, little household hints, a poem or two, and how.

[E]

To clean a chicken.

[C]

You shouldn't lose the gizzard.

[I]

Now, now, Chris, I've received a letter from Alyss who wants to know how to make a strawberry cake. The letter says, dear Tala, would you tell me how to make a strawberry cake with a steel file in it? Signed, Killer Malarkey. There now, isn't that sweet? But first, a recipe. I shall tell you how to make a dish called mother in law's frappe, commonly known as Mickey Fizz.

[C]

Ah, that's not dramatic acting. That won't do me any good. I'd better try another station.

[H]

And here's some real news, ladies and gentlemen. It has just been reported officially from his headquarters that General Ulysses S. Grant has captured the city of Richmond, Virginia. President Abraham Lincoln has not issued any statement after this great news, but one is expected shortly.

[C]

Hey, what is this? Grant took Richmond. What kind of news is that?

[H]

This is a very old radio.

[B]

And who asked you?

[C]

Ah, McNally. Nothing on the radio to help you. But why worry? You'll be a big success as an actor. Go on, take that marvelous bit of literature you have and practice with it. This literary masterpiece will do the job. If you can read this, you'll be okay. You'll be all ready for our more swift program. Go on, McNally. Read that immortal masterpiece. Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. Marvelous, McNally. Terrific. After your first performance, you'll be a big star. You'll make a million dollars. People will give you gifts. They'll give you everything you want. You won't have to spend a penny to get what you want. Ah, nuts. What's the use? There you'll be McNally's stock with a lousy million dollars. Well, Mr. Swift, here I am. Ready to see my part. You play. I'm in time for the rehearsal.

[F]

Ah, yes, McNally, sit down. Here is the role you might be able to do on my program. I want you to read it for me with all the expression you can.

[C]

Is this the part?

[F]

Yes.

[B]

Very nice part.

[F]

Go ahead, start reading. It's a murder mystery. You get killed on page 23.

[B]

But you have 23 pages of fine lines to read.

[C]

Go ahead. All right. I didn't know it, but Rifkin was the Purple Terror all the time.

[F]

McClellan, now that I hear you'll read the part, perhaps you'll get killed on page 18. But you have 18 pages of fine lines to read.

[C]

Go on. I came to this deserted house on a cliff. It was raining.

[F]

But now then. Now that I hear you read more of the part, perhaps you'll get killed on page seven. But you have seven pages of fine lines to read. Oh, I have?

[C]

Who would have thought Rifkin's wife was in the kitchen planning to drop an atomic bomb in an orphan home?

[F]

MacBelly, now that I've heard you read the whole part, I've made an interesting.

[C]

You mean I get killed on page five?

[B]

No.

[C]

Page four?

[B]

No.

[C]

Three?

[B]

No.

[C]

When do I get killed?

[F]

When the show begins.

[B]

You're dead.

[C]

I am, huh?

[F]

That's right. And there'll be a brief pause while.

[B]

Rigor mortis sets in.

[C]

You mean I won't get to say a word in the program? Not a word in the whole play. Oh, yes.

[F]

I just thought of something you can do and do it beautifully.

[C]

What is it?

[F]

It's like this, McNally, you see?

[C]

A beautiful program.

[B]

Well, Mike, did you go to the rehearsal?

[C]

Yes. Mr. Barkley.

[B]

Have you got your part?

[C]

I have.

[B]

I hope it's sensational, Mike. It better be. I've invited all our best customers to the broadcast. I don't want you to embarrass me.

[C]

I won't.

[B]

Mrs. Berkeley is giving up an important date to attend the dramatic presentation to see you perform, Mike.

[C]

I know.

[B]

I've told everyone I know how proud I am to be a friend of yours. I've told everyone I know not to miss hearing you on Armor Swift's program. Now tell me, my boy, what are you going to do?

[C]

Pull up a chair, Mr. Bertrand.

[B]

What's your part of the program, Mike?

[C]

Well, it's a one hour show, you know.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

It's a big affair with music and a cast of 40 people.

[B]

Yes, but what do you do, Mike?

[C]

Well, the program is sponsored by Fizz, the best sort of drink there is.

[B]

I see. But what do you do?

[C]

Well, there's a big commercial announcement in the show. It goes like this. Fizz, the best soda joke there is. Friends, open a bottle and see for yourself.

[B]

I know. I've heard that before.

[C]

Then they open a soda bottle.

[B]

But I still want to know, what do you do on the program?

[C]

If you listen closely, you can hear my part.

[B]

What do you do, Mike? What is your dramatic role?

[C]

Well, in that announcement, after they say the stuff about Fizz, they open a soda bottle. So?

[D]

So what?

[C]

So what do you do?

[F]

What do you do?

[C]

I'm gonna bring the bottle open.

[B]

Isn't that just then? Well. Well, because you've embarrassed me again, Mike. Because you've disgraced me again. I'm going to take you by the throat and come back here. Where are you going?

[C]

I'm getting out of here before I get killed. I'm going out through that door.

[B]

It's not a door. It's a window.

[F]

It's a door.

[C]

It's a window. Door. Window. If that's a window, then I'm Gregory Peck. I'm walking through it right now. Sending good Burgundy down with a ban.

[D]

Mutual is presented. Leave it to Mike, with Walter kinsella as Mike McNally. Be sure to listen again next week at the same time for Mike McNally. And his adventures in Berkeley's sporting goods store. Now, here's Mike again. Well, McNally, what are you doing with that paper and pencil?

[C]

Oh, I'm composing a song, Mr. Barry. It's a beautiful, tender, romantic melody.

[F]

What's it called?

[C]

Grandma's Hands Are Dirty Because They Forgot to Wash the Dice. Happy New Year, Mr. Barry. Happy New Year, everyone.

[D]

Happy New Year, Mike.

[C]

And we'll be seeing you again next.

[D]

Week when Mr. Berkeley says, Leave it to Mike.

[B]

Mike McNally.

[D]

Leave it to Mike is written by Howard Merrill and Alan Sherman. And the program is directed by Roger Bauer. Any similarity on this program to actual persons, places or events is purely coincidental. Leave it to Mike came to you from the Mutual Longacre Theater in New York. This is the Mutual Broadcasting System.