Leave It To Mike - Broad As A Barn Door

Summary

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Leave It To Mike - "Broad As A Barn Door"

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Host: Harolds Old Time Radio
Date: May 16, 2026
Episode: Radio sitcom adventure with Mike McNally

Overview

In this classic episode of Leave It To Mike, listeners are taken to Berkeley’s Sporting Goods Store, where the ever-aspiring Mike McNally dreams of becoming a celebrated actor — much to the amusement (and exasperation) of his coworkers and sweetheart, Dinny Wiig. The comedic tale follows Mike as he prepares for his big radio debut, leaving a trail of pun-filled banter, theatrical missteps, and well-meaning chaos in his wake. The episode is a satire of mid-century radio drama, lampooning both the acting profession and the conventions of the Golden Age of Radio.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Mike’s Dream of Stardom

• Mike is inspired after a film outing with Dinny Wiig, declaring his intent to become a great actor (02:09).
  • He idolizes Gary Cooper and aspires to be a man of action and depth.
• Dinny, supportive but skeptical, urges Mike to study with great dramatic teachers like Stanislavski (04:17).
• Mike jokes about his "acting experience" in school and amateur settings, deploying a series of puns and wordplay about past roles (03:30-04:14).

Quote:
"I played the part of the bulb in the light that failed." – Mike McNally (03:30)

2. Pursuing a Breakthrough with Armor Swift

• Dinny reveals that legendary actor-director Armor Swift is in the store, and encourages Mike to impress him for a coveted acting role (05:50-06:34).
  • Swift is portrayed as a flamboyant, self-important thespian, spouting Shakespeare and boasting about “the most important thing in acting is poise and posture” (08:01).
  • His ‘book on acting’ is a literal prop for balancing on heads, not for reading.

Quote:
“Who puts words in books? My book teaches people how to act. It weighs seven pounds.” – Armor Swift (08:01)

• Mike auditions for Swift with a melodramatic poem and song snippet, only to be good-naturedly dismissed but then surprisingly invited to appear in Swift's radio program (10:31-11:50).

Notable Exchange:
"Recite ‘Trees’ with all the enthusiasm of a pack of dogs." – Mr. Berkeley (10:47)
"You recite trees with all the enthusiasm of a pack of dogs. Now get me gone."
"Yes, yes... You better run along, Mike."
(10:47)

3. Mike’s Radio Preparation

• The store’s manager, Mr. Berkeley, sees an opportunity: if Mike shines on the radio, Berkley’s customers will be impressed with the talent he employs (13:06).
• Meanwhile, Jennifer and Mike share comic stories of New Year’s parties and practice "acting" by listening to radio programs, including a nonsensical "backwards" soap opera (14:05-19:45).
• Mike and Jennifer rehearse the “Romeo and Juliet” balcony scene — complete with interruptions and comic asides.

Fun Moment:
"My mouth is full of marshmallows." – "Juliet" (Vinny Wiig/Jennifer) (21:09)

4. Assembling For The Big Debut

• Tensions rise as the time for Mike's debut draws closer. Dinny and Mr. Berkeley discuss their faith (or doubts) in Mike’s talents.
• The comic tension peaks when the actual part is revealed: Mike is swiftly demoted—from a major speaking role to being the on-air sound effect of a soda bottle popping open.

Climactic Reveal:
"When the show begins, you're dead. That's right. And there'll be a brief pause while rigor mortis sets in." – Armor Swift (27:09)
"You mean I won't get to say a word in the program?" – Mike McNally (27:19)

5. Mike’s Deflated but Dignified Finish

• Mr. Berkeley, initially brimming with expectations, is left frustrated but maintains his comedic ire as Mike’s role turns out to be mere "sound effects."
• Mike makes a slapstick exit, confusing doors with windows, and walks out, poking fun at the melodramas of radio and promising more misadventures.

Final Note:
“Happy New Year, everyone.” – Mike McNally (30:08)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On ambition versus ability:
  "If only you were exactly like [Gary Cooper]. If you were big and strong and powerful... I'd be proud to marry you then, Mike." – Dinny Wiig (03:03)

• On method acting:
  "Alice Goodkin... When she played in 'Beggar on Horseback,' she rode a horse all day. When she played in 'Night Flight,' she flew a plane all day." – Dinny Wiig (04:48)

• On the art of acting:
  “Who puts words in books? My book teaches people how to act... Balancing it on your head.” – Armor Swift (08:01)

• On Mike's radio role:
  "If you listen closely, you can hear my part." – Mike McNally (28:38)
  "I'm going to bring the bottle open." – Mike McNally, revealing his actual job as a sound effect (28:53)

• Meta radio satire:
  “StrawCab, spelled backwards is backwards... underwear backwards is very uncomfortable.” – Mr. Berkeley, spoofing radio soap operas (18:30)

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Timestamps of Important Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | |------------|-----------------------------------------------------| | 00:46 | Narrator sets store scene and Mike’s character | | 02:09 | Mike resolves to become a great actor | | 04:17 | Dinny encourages Mike to seek acting lessons | | 05:54 | Introduction of Armor Swift | | 08:01 | Armor Swift’s book and acting philosophy | | 10:47 | Mike’s failed poetry audition | | 11:50 | Mike offered a ‘role’ by Swift | | 13:06 | Mr. Berkeley’s plan to use Mike’s radio debut | | 14:05 | Mike and Jennifer’s post-party banter | | 18:30 | Backwards radio serial satire | | 21:09 | Hilarious "Romeo and Juliet" marshmallow scene | | 26:11 | Mike receives his radio part – and disappointment | | 27:09 | The (un)dramatic truth: Mike’s silent part | | 28:53 | Mike's "pop" sound effect is his star turn | | 30:08 | Mike’s end-of-episode sign-off |

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Conclusion

This episode of Leave It To Mike lampoons the world of radio and the gap between self-image and reality with relentless puns, clever satire, and rapid-fire exchanges. Mike’s earnest efforts never quite meet the grandeur of his ambitions, but his journey — from bravado to bottle-popping — is filled with warmth and wit that evokes the charm of mid-century radio comedy.

For fans of classic radio humor and character-driven satire, this episode delivers laughs and nostalgia in equal measure.

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Transcript

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[Mike McNally]

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[Mr. Berkeley]

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[Mike McNally]

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[Mr. Berkeley]

Leave it to Mike. Mike McNow.

[Mike McNally]

Yes, Mr. Berkeley?

[Mr. Berkeley]

Mike, why did you.

[Mike McNally]

No, Mr. Barkley, I can explain everything.

[Narrator]

Neutral presents. Leave it to Mike. With Walter kinsella as Mike McNally. Mike's the general manager of Berkeley Sporting Goods Store. That famous downtown shop that's been serving the city for more than 30 years. Well, Mike, what's new at the store?

[Mike McNally]

Well, we just received a brand new product, Mr. Barry.

[Narrator]

Hmm, what is it?

[Mike McNally]

Klutzmeyer's winter underwear. The slogan is, are you wearing Klutzmeyer's longies? If so, what's Klutzmeyer supposed to wear?

[Narrator]

Say, you take a great interest in your job, don't you, Mike?

[Mike McNally]

Absolutely, Mr. Barry. It's the only way to succeed. Never give up trying to be a business genius. For instance, take a man like John Hancock. Isn't he marvelous?

[Narrator]

John Hancock.

[Mike McNally]

Ah, just look at him. Dead for 150 years of still selling insurance.

[Narrator]

And that's Mike McNally.

[Mike McNally]

That's me. Yes, it is. Very true.

[Narrator]

It's a lovely evening, the first night of the new year. And Mike McNally is just leaving his neighborhood motion picture theater with his beautiful sweetheart, Vinny Wiig, who works with Mike at Berkeley sporting goods store. McNally, the dashing man about town, the gay socialite, makes a suggestion to Denny about their after theater entertainment. Does McNally say let's go to the store, club and dance? Does McNally say let's go to the Waldorf and dine?

[Mike McNally]

No, McNally says let's go to your house and neck.

[Vinny Wiig]

Oh, Mike, you never talked like that before.

[Mike McNally]

I know, Dinny, but I'm a new man. I've changed ever since I saw Gary Cooper in Albuquerque. Briefcase.

[Vinny Wiig]

Albuquerque. Briefcase.

[Mike McNally]

That's the word. Albuquerque.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Briefcase.

[Mike McNally]

It's a western version of Saratoga trunk.

[Vinny Wiig]

Mike, will you be serious?

[Mike McNally]

I am being serious, Dilly darling, going to the movies always has an effect on me. And when they see what a he man that Gary Goober is, what a great actor he is, makes me think, you know, maybe I ought to be more like him.

[Vinny Wiig]

You certainly should.

[Mike McNally]

I saw Gary Cooper in that picture about a Good Humor man, too.

[Vinny Wiig]

A movie about a good human man.

[Mike McNally]

Mm. For whom the Bell tolls,

[Vinny Wiig]

Mike McNally, if you don't stop counting.

[Mike McNally]

All right, Jenny. It's just that I was thinking that, well, maybe if I was a bit more like Gary Cooper.

[Vinny Wiig]

A bit more. Oh, Mike, if only you were exactly like him. If you were big and strong and powerful. If you had a profound personality like all those great actors.

[Mike McNally]

You want me to be a great actor, Jenny?

[Vinny Wiig]

Oh, it would be wonderful, Mike. Instead of that silly, dull job you have working for Mr. Berkeley. I'd be proud to marry you. Then, Mike.

[Mike McNally]

I'll tell everybody how sweet you are.

[Vinny Wiig]

I'll tell everybody how sweet you are.

[Mike McNally]

I'll tell everybody how much fun you are.

[Vinny Wiig]

Everybody how much fun you are.

[Mike McNally]

I'll tell everybody how well you make love.

[Vinny Wiig]

I'll think of something,

[Mike McNally]

Jenny. I'll be a great actor someday. Just wait and see. You know, I had acting experience in high school.

[Vinny Wiig]

You did?

[Mr. Berkeley]

Uh huh.

[Mike McNally]

I played the part of the bulb in the light that failed.

[Jennifer]

Good part, bad joke.

[Mike McNally]

I was in the movie the woman in the Window. I rented binoculars to wolves across the street.

[Jennifer]

Good pot, bad joke.

[Mike McNally]

I was the reconversion director in Dr. Jakel and Mr. Hyde. Every time Dr. Jakel changed into Mr. Hyde, I reminded him to put his money in the other pants. Good part, bad joke. I was in the last weekend. They played the part of the cork. Good God. Lousy Joe. Then, of course, you know, we had a great actor in the dramatic pageant Berkeley's put on for Christmas.

[Vinny Wiig]

Really?

[Mike McNally]

Yeah. You know those horses with the two men inside? Those wadwin horses? Well, this fella played the front end of the horse.

[Vinny Wiig]

Who played the other end.

[Mike McNally]

Well, Hitler must be hiding somewhere.

[Jennifer]

Bad part.

[Mike McNally]

Ah, but good joke.

[Vinny Wiig]

Mike, darling, let's be serious. If you really want to make me happy, if you really want to get out of the rut you're in and become a great actor, why don't you do something about it? Why don't you study with a great dramatic teacher? Study Boleslavsky, Uspenskaya, Stanislavski and Jagenir. You're familiar with their work, aren't you?

[Mike McNally]

Best backfield Notre Dame ever had.

[Vinny Wiig]

Mike, how will you ever get anywhere? You're always fooling around. You've got to study acting for years. You've got to live the part. I know a great actress. Her name is Alice Goodkin.

[Mike McNally]

What's her name?

[Vinny Wiig]

Alice Goodkin. When she played in Beggar on Horseback. She rode a horse all day. When she played in night flight, she flew a plane all day. When she played in luxury liner, she sailed on a boat all day.

[Mike McNally]

It's a good thing she wasn't in the Birth of a.

[Vinny Wiig]

Now, you've got to stop clowning, Mike. Face the truth about yourself. You're not famous. You're not a big success.

[Mike McNally]

I'm not, huh? Why, Jenny Wig. My dear girl, do you remember last week when I came to work? When I stepped off the train, there were thousands of people standing on the platform cheering. There was a brass band. Guns were firing a salute.

[Vinny Wiig]

I don't believe it.

[Mike McNally]

You don't? Well, just ask President Truman. He was standing right behind me.

[Vinny Wiig]

What's got into you, Mike? You're not talking sense at all. The fact is that you do want to be famous. You decided after we saw that movie that you want to be a great actor. But what are you going to do about it?

[Mike McNally]

Ah, there's great hope for me, Dinny, darling. Last week when my lodge gave a play and I was in it, the lobby was absolutely jammed. You couldn't get near the theater because

[Vinny Wiig]

you were so terrific.

[Mike McNally]

No, in the slot machines they had Hershey boys.

[Vinny Wiig]

Look, Mike, do you know who's in Mr. Berkeley's office?

[Mike McNally]

Who?

[Vinny Wiig]

Armor Swift, the great actor.

[Mike McNally]

I'm a Swift. What a ham he must be.

[Vinny Wiig]

Not a ham. He's like Orson Wellesley. He's like Walter Pigeon. He's also like Alfred Hitchcock. He's an actor, a director, a writer. He's a genius of the theater. There's nothing in the theater he can't do.

[Mike McNally]

And he scraped the gum off the bottom of the seats.

[Vinny Wiig]

I said, there's nothing in the theater he can't do.

[Mike McNally]

Any smoke at the orchestra without getting caught.

[Vinny Wiig]

You go into Mr. Berkeley's office this minute. Mike McNally. You try to make an impression on Mr. Swift. Maybe he'll like you. Maybe he'll find a part for you in one of his new productions. He has a radio show, a repertory theater. He makes motion pictures. Go on, Mike.

[Mike McNally]

But what will I tell him? How will I impress him?

[Vinny Wiig]

Well, just go in there and, well, show him that you're a man of many moves. That you have a profound side and a humorous side. Show him that you can portray any emotion. Show him that you can quote from Shakespeare and all the other masters. Go ahead. My.

[Mike McNally]

Okay, Dinny. I'll impress Armor Swift. I'll show him how versatile I am. Why, I've done everything I Was even in the aquacade.

[Vinny Wiig]

What were you?

[Mike McNally]

Drip.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Sit down, Mr. Swift.

[Mike McNally]

Rest yourself.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Oh, I never rest on my laurels. Who's talking about laurels? Sit down on whatever it is you sit down on. I must walk, walk, walk. I must keep myself perpendicular to the floor until 5pm it stimulates the brain cells. And from 5 until 7, I am horizontal. It stimulates my metatarsals. That is my rest period. What are you, from 7 until bedtime. Catty Corner, Mr. Berkeley. Catty Corner. We're proud to have a distinguished actor and director like you with us in the store, Mr. Swift. I'm delighted to be here. We expect to sell a lot of copies of your book on how to act. My book? Ah, yes. It's a mere masterpiece. Nothing that any genius couldn't write. It's the last word in how to act. You know, frankly, Mr. Swift, I tried to read the book, but I didn't understand it. There weren't any words printed on the pages.

[Jennifer]

Words?

[Mr. Berkeley]

That's how old fashioned. Who puts words in books? My book teaches people how to act. It weighs seven pounds. What has that got to do with it? Don't you know that the most important thing in acting is poise and posture? Haven't you ever seen actors practicing by walking up and down the room with a book on their heads? That is what my book is for. Balancing it on your head. Why, I wouldn't be surprised if it were chosen by the Book of the Year Club. Don't you mean the Book of the Month Club? No, the Book of the Year Club for people who read slowly. I'm sorry to rush you, Mr. Swift, but you know you're due in the book department to autograph your work. Oh, yes, undoubtedly. There are thousands of me admirers waiting to greet me. The price of fame. You work and slave and give of your best to create artistic achievements. And after you die, what have you got? Immortality and pie upon you. Thou varlet uncommly name desperado. Ha, ha. Fame and fortune. You work all your life to give the world one beautiful inspiration after another. And after you die, what happens? Yes, what happens? What happens? Warner Brothers makes the story of your life with Don Amici. As the immortal bard says, why, what an ass am I. Hamlet, Act 2, Scene 4. Sit down, Mr. Swift. Don't knock yourself out. As the immortal bard said, out, out, free candle. Life is but a walking shadow, a poor player who struts and frets his hour upon the stage. Macbeth, Act 5, Scene 5, Line 11. Sit down, Mrs. Swift. You'll get a blowout in your adenoids. I'll never forget when I did Shakespeare down south. I was doing Polonius advice to his son Laertes. Neither a bower nor a lender be son. A lender that is, give thou thoughts.

[Mike McNally]

No tongue.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Tongue. I mean, Hamlet, act one, scene, tune line 47. Ah, there you are. This is my general manager.

[Mike McNally]

Hello. Hello there.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Mr. Barclay, meet Armor Swift. Ah, Mr. Swift. Boots, boots, boots.

[Mike McNally]

March it up and down again. Good, huh? Mr.

[Jennifer]

Swift.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Don't tell me your name, young man. I want to hate you incognito.

[Mike McNally]

Swift. You're always on the lookout for new talents, aren't you? Don't you want to at least hear me? Beneath the spreading chestnut tree the village smithy stands the smith, the mighty man is he with large and sinewy hands. Good home, Mr. Smith.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Why do you walk around like that when you can be buried for as little as $150?

[Mike McNally]

Oh, give me a chance, Mr. Swift. Listen to this. I think that I should ever see a poem lovely as a tree. Good, huh? Mr. Swift?

[Mr. Berkeley]

McNally, you recite trees with all the enthusiasm of a pack of dogs. Now get me gone. Yes, yes. You better run along, Mike. You're bothering Mr. Swift. I just wanted you to say hello. But now Mr. Swift has to go downstairs and autograph his books.

[Mike McNally]

Well, if you're not interested in acting, Mr. Swift, they can sing, too. And the road to Mandalay where the flying fishes pullet and the dawn comes up like thunder out of Brooklyn, cross the bay.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Do that again, McNella.

[Mike McNally]

Sing it again.

[Mr. Berkeley]

No, no, no. Just that last part. Oh, your voice was so resonant.

[Mike McNally]

Resonant, resonant.

[Mr. Berkeley]

I'm looking for someone with that voice quality. Surely you're joking, Mr. Swift. You couldn't use McNally in one of your shows, could you? I said I'm looking for someone with that timber in.

[Mike McNally]

That's what. Timber. Timber, timber. Want a toothpick?

[Mr. Berkeley]

You'll be at Studio 12 of the Cosmopolitan Broadcasting Company. McNally, tomorrow at noon, I have a part for you. A very interesting part.

[Mike McNally]

Not really.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Absolutely. You'll go down in history with Orson Welles.

[Mike McNally]

It's radioactive.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Not as Rita Hayworth's husband, isn't it?

[Mike McNally]

Fine, fine. Just fine.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Yes, imagine that, McNally, you're going to perform on the air with Armor Swift.

[Mike McNally]

Ah, Denny, be so proud of me.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Tomorrow, tomorrow. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow creeps in this petty pace from day to day. Back there. Back five, scene five, line 11. Well, I'll be running along.

[Mike McNally]

Okay, but don't open the door. There's just a way out. It's the closet.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Not the door.

[Mike McNally]

It's the closet. Not that.

[Mr. Berkeley]

What were you saying, McNally?

[Mike McNally]

I said, not that door. It's a closet. That's a quotation, too. Tiffany McGee, Act 2, Scene 3, Line 17.

[Vinny Wiig]

Gee, isn't it wonderful about Mike, Mr. Berkeley?

[Mr. Berkeley]

It certainly is, Dinny. I knew all the time he was a talented fellow.

[Vinny Wiig]

I suppose when he becomes a famous actor, he'll be leaving Berkeley's.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Well, then I wish him Godspeed, Dinny. I don't mind if he leaves the store to go on to greater things. But when he goes on the air tomorrow night, he'll be performing a great service of Berkeley's.

[Vinny Wiig]

A great service? I don't understand.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Well, you see, Denny, I've invited 12 of my most important customers to the broadcast to see Mike perform. When they realize that Berkeley Storr hires men of such outstanding talent and initiative, they'll surely double all their business here.

[Vinny Wiig]

Are you sure you're not being a little bit hasty?

[Mr. Berkeley]

Oh, no. I have faith in McNally's ability. Why, I've gone to all kinds of trouble to get these customers to attend the broadcast. I'm sending special cars to pick them up. I bought a dozen white orchids for their wives. McNally's acting genius will make his radio debut. The biggest thing since Charlie McCarthy interviewed Mae West.

[Vinny Wiig]

You're probably right, Mr. Berkeley. Mike certainly is taking the radio thing seriously. Do you know what he's doing now?

[Mr. Berkeley]

No, what?

[Vinny Wiig]

He's down in the recreation room with Jennifer. His ears are glued to the radio. He says that if you want to be a great radio actor, you've got to know every program on the air.

[Mike McNally]

Oh, hello there, Jennifer. What's that tall, skinny thing?

[Jennifer]

That's a mop.

[Mike McNally]

A mop?

[Jennifer]

Yeah. If it was Frank Sinatra, I'd be wearing Barbie socks.

[Mike McNally]

Well, Jennifer, old girl, did you have a good time last night at the New Year's Eve party?

[Jennifer]

Good time? Asking me if I had a good time is like asking Gabriel Heater if there's good news tonight. Well, that was the finest party I ever seen.

[Mike McNally]

Was everybody lit up?

[Jennifer]

Lit up? It's the first time I ever saw a Christmas tree blush with shame.

[Mike McNally]

Was it really that wild?

[Jennifer]

Why, Uncle Charlie threw a saddle over a bottle of White Horse and started looking for Indians. Oh, me, oh, my, McNally. The only day in the year I take firewater. It's New Year's Eve. But last night there was so much scotch flowing that my boyfriend and I

[Mike McNally]

went home separately because of the scotch. You went home separately?

[Jennifer]

Yeah. He took the high road and I took the low road.

[Mike McNally]

Benny and scotch, eh? Yeah.

[Jennifer]

And about 11 o', clock, Haig turned to Haig and said, let's get out of here before we get pinched. But you should have seen my cousin, Nylon Sam.

[Mike McNally]

Why do you call him Nylon Sam?

[Jennifer]

Well, he made a mistake and drank a fifth.

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[Mike McNally]

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[Mike McNally]

Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty.

[Jennifer]

Liquid leg makeup.

[Mike McNally]

I suppose he got so high he couldn't walk a straight seam. I had one or two drinks myself, Jennifer.

[Jennifer]

Well, if I know you, McNally, one's enough. What'd you drink?

[Mr. Berkeley]

Horses.

[Jennifer]

Nick, I don't care about a horse's love life. What did you drink?

[Mike McNally]

French wine. But it didn't taste so good. You know that French wine, they trampled on the grapes with their feet.

[Jennifer]

Well, why didn't it taste good?

[Mike McNally]

GI shoes.

[Jennifer]

Oh, was it powerful?

[Mike McNally]

Powerful? I took one sip and became a singer.

[Jennifer]

A singer?

[Mr. Berkeley]

Uh huh.

[Mike McNally]

I went out and sang a duet with a lamppost.

[Jennifer]

Well, that was the nicest New Year Eve party we ever had. We toasted to victory at midnight.

[Mike McNally]

Did he do.

[Jennifer]

Yes, sir. My sister Bessie's boyfriend is in the Navy and mine is in the army.

[Mike McNally]

I see.

[Jennifer]

So first she proposed a toast and we drank to Admiral Nimit. Then it was my turn and we drank to General Eisenhower.

[Mike McNally]

Yes.

[Jennifer]

Then it was Bessie's turn and we drank to Admiral Halsey. Then my turn again and we drank to General MacArthur. Then Bessie drank to Admiral King. Then I drank to General Hodges. Then Bessie drank to Admiral Lay. Then I drank to General Wainwright. Then. Do you know how many admirals and generals there are in the United States armed forces?

[Mike McNally]

No. How many?

[Jennifer]

About three and a half quarts.

[Mike McNally]

How long did this go on?

[Jennifer]

Well, Bessie went on to Commander Robert Montgomery, and then I drank to Captain Eddie Rickenbacker. And then what else happened? Well, I don't know. Everything went black when we got to Private Hard Groves.

[Mike McNally]

Listen, Jennifer, I came down here to study acting. Now you've got a big part on the radio tomorrow night.

[Jennifer]

That's what I call killing the killer cycles.

[Mike McNally]

Ah, yes, Armor Swift, the big radio writer, producer and actors using me on his big program. And he told me that I've got to learn to be a radioactor by practicing hard and listening to the radio.

[Jennifer]

Then Turn it on, McNally. Turn it on. It's just about time for one of them daytime serials.

[Mike McNally]

Okay, here goes. We listen to the daytime serials. Maybe I can learn something about acting.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Ah, good afternoon, friends. Once again it is time for the Straw Cab program, brought to you by the makers of Straw Cab. Remember, Straw Cab spelled backwards is backwards. A straw cab company makes slough hub which spelled backwards is buttons. The buttons go on your underwear and underwear backwards is very uncomfortable. Now another episode in the story of Primrose honeysuckle girl Dockwalloper. Of course, this being the Straw Cab program where we do everything backwards. We bring you our dramatic sequence backwards. As the story opens, Primrose backs in through a door and says to Craig,

[Vinny Wiig]

whitluck me love you. That say you don't. Why Craig?

[Mr. Berkeley]

Oh, else somebody with love in. Am I fool you?

[Jennifer]

Because holy smokes McNally. They're talking backwards.

[Mike McNally]

Yeah, backwards talking. Now that Jennifer smokes holy

[Vinny Wiig]

you to belongs my half mind that you know you don't but.

[Mr. Berkeley]

And so, friends, we have brought you the backwards program sponsored by storecab. Listen in yesterday and find out what didn't happen tomorrow afternoon.

[Mike McNally]

Good. That's enough of that. I guess so. That's what they mean when they say radio drama. Gosh, I ought to be able to act as well as that when Armor Swift has me on his program. Well, I'd better do a little practicing. Oh, look, Jennifer, I have the balcony scene here from Romeo and Juliet. Would you play Juliet while they read the part of Romeo?

[Jennifer]

Well, I can't, McNally. I have work to do here in the basement. Gotta keep the store clean for Mr. Berkeley, you know. But if you want to practice A balcony scene. I'll find someone who will play it with you. Somebody I know in the stock room.

[Mike McNally]

Okay, Jennifer. Thanks a lot. You find someone in the stock room who play Juliet to my Romeo. Soft. What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun. Ah, the brightness of her cheek would shame the stars. See how she leans her cheek upon her hand. Or that I wear a glove upon that hand, that I may touch that cheek.

[Vinny Wiig]

Oh, peach fuzz.

[Mike McNally]

Romeo. She speaks. Is that speaking? O, speak again, bright angel. For thou art as glorious as this night. Be in o' er my head as is a winged messenger of heaven. Speak. Speak. I can't.

[Vinny Wiig]

My mouth is full of marshmallows.

[Mike McNally]

O Juliet, with love's light wings did I o' er perch these walls. Fearful lest thy rash parent, thy father, should find us in this trysting place. Thy father is a Capulet. And my father Montague.

[Vinny Wiig]

I thought your father was Irish.

[Mike McNally]

Please, Mr. Gribble, try to do this thing right. Mr. Berkeley's invited all his friends and customers to see me in armor. Swift's production. I've got to practice acting now. From the third page. Fart speech. O Juliet, fairest one. Thine eyes are burning jewels. Thy lips are two flames of desire. Thy hair is a reddish firebrand.

[Vinny Wiig]

What are you giving me, a hot foot?

[Mike McNally]

Please, Mr. Gribble, read the part. You're supposed to be Juliet. Lady, by yonder blessed moon, I swear the tips with silver. Are these fruit tree tops? Oh, swear not by the moon. The inconstant moon. Then farewell. What, oh, what shall I swear by? Don't swear at all.

[Vinny Wiig]

It's nasty.

[Mike McNally]

Mr. Gribble, please read the part. Go on. Ah, Romeo, my Romeo.

[Vinny Wiig]

Leavest me not.

[Mike McNally]

Now come but up to my balcony and kiss me. Kiss me until yon cows come home. I'd rather wait and kiss the cows.

[Jennifer]

Ah, but halt.

[Mike McNally]

Why dost thou leave me? I must leave you. I must. But whither goest thou? I go to push a peanut with my nose across the Brooklyn Bridge. But why? They bet on USC in the Rose Bone game.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Well, Dinnie, how's Mike coming along with his acting?

[Vinny Wiig]

I don't know, Mr. Berkeley, but I hear that he's listening to the radio, practicing Shakespeare, getting all set for his dramatic debut with Armor Swift.

[Mr. Berkeley]

I hope McNally gives a great performance. I made my wife Emma give up an important date to go to the program with us. And all of my biggest customers will be my personal guests to see what McNally does.

[Vinny Wiig]

Well, I Hope it works out all right. I've never thought of Mike as a great actor, but I suppose Arma Swift knows talent when he sees it. Personally, I think that as an actor. Yes, as an actor, Mike conveys two emotions.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Two emotions? What are they?

[Vinny Wiig]

Joy and indigestion.

[Mike McNally]

Yeah. It's almost time for the rehearsal, McNally. Time for Mr. Swift to present you with the part that you're going to play. Better turn on the radio once more to listen to some real dramatic acting so you know what to do. Here's the switch. You see what's on.

[Vinny Wiig]

Hello, hello, dear, dear lady. This is Tallulah Fathead, bringing you my daily visit with recipes, little household hints, a poem or two, and how to clean a chicken. You shouldn't lose the gizzard. Now, now, first I've received a letter from a listener who wants to know how to make a strawberry cake. The letter says, dear Tallulah, would you tell me how to make a strawberry cake with a steel file in it? Signed, Killer Malarkey. There, now, isn't that sweet? But first, a recipe. I shall tell you how to make a dish called Mother in law's Frappe, commonly known as Mickey Fizz.

[Mike McNally]

Ah, that's not dramatic acting. That won't do me any good. I'd better try another station.

[Mr. Berkeley]

And here's some real news, ladies and gentlemen. It has just been reported officially from his headquarters that General Ulysses S. Grant has captured the city of Richmond, Virginia. President Abraham Lincoln has not issued any statement after this great news, but one is expected shortly.

[Mike McNally]

Hey, what is this, Grandson? Richmond? What kind of news is that?

[Mr. Berkeley]

This is a very old radio. And who asked you?

[Mike McNally]

Ah, McNelly, there's nothing on the radio to help you.

[Vinny Wiig]

But why worry?

[Mike McNally]

You'll be a big success as an actor. Go on, take that marvelous bit of literature you have and practice with it. This literary masterpiece will do the jab. You can read this. You'll be okay. If you're all ready for Armor Swift program. Go on, McNally, read that immortal masterpiece. Peter Piper picked a pack of pickled peppers. Marvelous, McNally, terrific. After your first performance, you'll be a big star. You'll make a million dollars. People will give you gifts. They'll give you everything you want. You won't have to spend a penny to get what you want. Ah, nuts. What's the use? There you'll be, McNally, stocked with a lousy million dollars. Well, Mr. Swift, here I am, ready to see my part. You play. I'm in time for the rehearsal.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Ah, yes, MacNelly, sit down. Here is the role you might be able to do on my program tomorrow. I want you to read it for me with all the expression you can.

[Mike McNally]

Is this the part?

[Mr. Berkeley]

Yes. Very nice, Pop. Go ahead, start reading. It's a murder mystery. You get killed on page 23. But you have 23 pages of fine lines to read. Go ahead.

[Mike McNally]

All right. I didn't know it, but Rifkin was the Purple Terror all the time.

[Mr. Berkeley]

MacNelly, now that I hear you read the part, perhaps you'll get killed on page 18. But you have 18 pages of fine lines to read.

[Jennifer]

Go on.

[Mike McNally]

I came to this deserted house on a cliff. It was raining.

[Mr. Berkeley]

MacNelly, now that I hear you read more of the part, perhaps you'll get killed on page six. Seven. But you have seven pages of fine lines to read.

[Mike McNally]

Oh, I have? Who would have thought Rifkin's wife was in the kitchen planning to drop an atomic vom in an Orphan Home.

[Mr. Berkeley]

McNally, now that I've heard you read the whole part, I've made an interesting decision.

[Mike McNally]

You mean I get killed on page five?

[Mr. Berkeley]

No.

[Mike McNally]

Page four? No. Three?

[Mr. Berkeley]

No.

[Mike McNally]

When do I get killed?

[Mr. Berkeley]

When the show begins. You're dead. That's right. And there'll be a brief pause while rigor mortis sets in.

[Mike McNally]

You mean I won't get to say a word in the program? Not a word in the whole play. Oh, yes.

[Mr. Berkeley]

I've just thought of something you can do and do it beautifully.

[Mike McNally]

What is it?

[Mr. Berkeley]

It's like this, McNally.

[Mike McNally]

You see.

[Jennifer]

Junior program.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Well, Mike, you go to the rehearsal.

[Mike McNally]

Yes, Mr. Barkley.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Have you got your pot?

[Mike McNally]

I have.

[Mr. Berkeley]

I hope it's sensational, Mike. It better be. I've invited all our best customers to the broadcast. I don't want you to embarrass me.

[Mike McNally]

I won't.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Mrs. Berkeley is giving up an important date to attend the dramatic presentation to see you perform. Mike.

[Mike McNally]

I know.

[Mr. Berkeley]

I've told everyone I know how proud I am to be a friend of yours. I've told everyone I know not to miss hearing you on Armor Swift's program. Now tell me, my boy, what are you gonna do?

[Mike McNally]

Put up a chair on the. Mr. Bertram.

[Mr. Berkeley]

What's your part of the program, Mike?

[Mike McNally]

Well, it's a one hour show, you know. Yes, it's a big affair with music and a cast of 40 people.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Yes, but what do you do, Mike?

[Mike McNally]

Well, the program is sponsored by Fizz, the best sort of drink there is.

[Mr. Berkeley]

I see. But what do you do?

[Mike McNally]

Well, there's a big Commercial announcement in the show, it goes like this. Fizz, the best soda joke there is. Friends, open a bottle and see for yourself.

[Mr. Berkeley]

I know I've heard that before.

[Mike McNally]

Then they open a soda bottle.

[Mr. Berkeley]

But I still want to know, what do you do on the program?

[Mike McNally]

If you listen closely, you can hear my part.

[Mr. Berkeley]

What do you do, Mike? What is your dramatic role?

[Mike McNally]

Well, in that announcement, after they say the stuff about Fizz, they open a soda bottle. So?

[Mr. Berkeley]

So what? So what do you do? What do you do?

[Mike McNally]

I'm going to bring the bottle open.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Isn't that just? Then, well. Well. Because you've embarrassed me again, Mike, because you've disgraced me again, I'm going to take you by the throat and come back here. Where are you going?

[Mike McNally]

I'm getting out of here before I get killed. I'm going out through that door.

[Mr. Berkeley]

It's not a door, it's a window. It's a door. It's a window. Door, window.

[Mike McNally]

If that's a window, then I'm Gregory Peck. I'm walking through it right now. Send Ingrid Burgundy down with a Band aid.

[Narrator]

Mutual is presented. Leave it to Mike with Walter kinsella as Mike McNally. Be sure to listen again next week at the same time for Mike McNally and his adventures in Berkeley's Sporting goods store. Now, here's Mike again. Well, McNally, what are you doing with that paper and pencil?

[Mike McNally]

Oh, I'm composing a song, Mr. Barry. It's a beautiful, tender, romantic melody.

[Mr. Berkeley]

What's it called?

[Mike McNally]

Grandma's Hands Are Dirty Because They Forgot to Wash the Dice. Happy New Year, Mr. Barry. Happy New Year, everyone.

[Narrator]

Happy New Year, Mike. And we'll be seeing you again next week when Mr. Berkeley says, Leave it to Mike.

[Mr. Berkeley]

Mike McNally.

[Narrator]

Leave it to Mike is written by Howard Merrill and Alan Sherman, and the program is directed by Roger Bauer. Any similarity on this program to actual persons, places or events is purely coincidental. Leave it to Mike came to you from the Mutual Longacre Theater in New York. This is the Mutual Broadcasting System.

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[Mike McNally]

play social casino void where prohibited. Visit spinquest.com for more details.

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[Mike McNally]

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