Life of Riley 44-02-13 (005)Telephone Story

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio – "Life of Riley 44-02-13 (005) Telephone Story"

Introduction

In this engaging episode of "Harold's Old Time Radio", titled "Life of Riley 44-02-13 (005) Telephone Story," listeners are transported back to the Golden Age of Radio. Hosted by Harolds Old Time Radio, the show features the beloved character Chester J. Riley, portrayed by William Bendix, navigating the comedic challenges of family life without a telephone during wartime. Released on April 1, 2025, this episode delves into themes of communication, family dynamics, and the humorous fallout from unexpected situations.

Setting the Scene

The episode opens with the Riley family settling into their new home just outside Los Angeles. Chester J. Riley is preparing for his day at the war plant, highlighting the family's everyday routines and the absence of a telephone, which sets the stage for ensuing conflicts.

Family Dynamics and Daily Struggles

Peg Riley, Chester's wife, expresses frustration over the lack of a phone:

• [02:48] Peg Riley: "O'Reilly dear, hurry with your breakfast. You'll miss the 7:30 bucks."

This line underscores the practical inconveniences the family faces without direct communication means. The dialogue continues to reveal various household issues, such as managing a full medicine cabinet and dealing with plumbing problems.

Uncle Baxter's Introduction

The arrival of Uncle Baxter introduces a pivotal twist. He informs the family about a potential job opportunity:

• [06:31] Uncle Baxter: "Yesterday, the Flick Smedley Company decided to appoint me director of advertising for the entire West Coast."

However, due to the telephone shortage, Uncle Baxter misses out on the job, leading to his frustration and the family's growing tension over the phone situation.

The Adhesive Tape Shortage

Mr. Witherspoon, the local drugstore owner, becomes a recurring character who is exasperated by the Rileys' constant purchases of adhesive tape:

• [08:44] Mr. Witherspoon: "Look, Mr. Riley, every time I call you to the phone, you buy adhesive tape. I know you're trying to do me a favor, but you have created a shortage of adhesive tape in this neighborhood."

This subplot adds a layer of community-wide impact from the family's phone-less existence, emphasizing the broader societal effects of wartime shortages.

Barbara's Dating Woes

Barbara Riley, the Riley's daughter, faces challenges in her social life due to the lack of a telephone:

• [11:13] Barbara Riley: "Not having a phone has ruined my whole life."

Her storyline highlights the personal frustrations and missed opportunities that stem from the family's communication barriers.

Uncle Baxter's Attempt to Resolve the Phone Issue

Determined to help, Uncle Baxter endeavors to secure a telephone for the family. After several comedic mishaps and misunderstandings, including Chester's decision to impersonate a doctor, chaos ensues:

• [19:22] Chester J. Riley: "Riley, you can't think of yourself. You must think of your wife and the children and the disgrace you are bringing down on their innocent heads."

Chester's impersonation leads to a series of humorous scenarios where he attempts to "doctor" neighbors, resulting in misunderstandings with both the community and law enforcement.

Climactic Confrontation and Resolution

The climax occurs when law enforcement confronts Chester about his fraudulent medical practice:

• [22:19] Uncle Baxter: "According to the law, you have committed a fraud ipso facto."
• [20:38] Chester J. Riley: "Well, I don't care. I'm going to tell the truth."

Chester's earnestness and Uncle Baxter's calming influence eventually lead to the authorities stepping away, albeit briefly, before the phone situation is humorously resolved by Uncle Baxter's accidental maneuvering.

Conclusion

The episode concludes with the family deciding to remove the phone to prevent further mayhem:

• [27:33] Chester J. Riley: "Oh, Uncle Baxter. Not adhesive. A tourniquet. And I'll put it on for you. Me, Dr. Riley."

This final exchange encapsulates the episode’s blend of humor and family solidarity, reinforcing the theme that sometimes, simplicity and togetherness are more valuable than modern conveniences.

Notable Quotes

• [06:25] Peg Riley: "Oh, now, Roddy, please."
• [19:56] Chester J. Riley: "Oh, Uncle Baxter. Not adhesive. A tourniquet."
• [21:02] Chester J. Riley: "What'll I do?"
• [22:21] Uncle Baxter: "Oh, I'm not the doctor. That's my nephew."
• [27:53] Chester J. Riley: "Let me apply this tourniquet to your neck. The Riley."

Insights and Themes

This episode masterfully portrays the comedic consequences of lacking essential technology, emphasizing the importance of communication within a family and a community. Through Chester’s bumbling attempts to compensate for the absence of a phone, listeners are entertained while reflecting on the reliance on technology in everyday life. The interactions between characters highlight familial bonds, resourcefulness, and the humorous side of human error.

Conclusion

"Life of Riley 44-02-13 (005) Telephone Story" is a delightful representation of classic radio storytelling, blending humor with relatable family struggles. Harolds Old Time Radio successfully captures the essence of the Golden Age of Radio, providing listeners with a nostalgic yet timeless narrative. Whether you're a longtime fan or new to the series, this episode offers a rich and entertaining experience that underscores the enduring charm of radio dramas.

Transcript

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[William Bendix]

Meat is the Yardstick of Protean Foods the American Meat Institute presents the Life of Riley a half hour with radio's newest and friendliest family and starring William Bendix as Riley. Do you wonder what we mean when we say meat is the yardstick of protean foods? Let's try to explain simply. All Protean foods contain substances that the doctor and the chemist call amino acids. Now these are not acids as commonly known, but a name used by science to define certain chemical substances. 10 different amino acids are essential to enable the human body to build and repair its tissues. All 10 of these are present in meat. That's one of the reasons why meat is such an excellent food and why it is the yardstick of protean foods. Now the Life of Riley. Well, the Riley's are slowly settling down in the small house they've rented just outside Los Angeles, and so far everything seems to be running smoothly. Mr. Riley is due at his job at the war plant at 8:00am so we find him now in the kitchen.

[Peg Riley]

O'Reilly dear, hurry with your breakfast. You'll miss the 7:30 bucks.

[Chester J. Riley]

Okay, I'm just buttering my toast with this cream cheese. Gee, remember butter.

[Peg Riley]

Oh, and don't forget, during your lunch hour, call the plumber. We have no hot water.

[Chester J. Riley]

That plumber's a fresh guy. I phoned him up yesterday and he said if we wanted hot water, we should heat a pot of it on the stove. So I said to him we didn't have a pot big enough for a person to bathe in. Don't worry Peg, I'll get a plumber here by tonight.

[Peg Riley]

Oh, Barbara, what are you doing in that bathroom?

[Barbara Riley]

It's all right, Mother. Just some bottles fell down. You know there's no room for anything in that medicine cabinet. Too full of adhesive tape.

[Peg Riley]

Yes, Riley, every time you use that phone at the drugstore, you buy another roll of adhesive tape.

[Chester J. Riley]

Well, gee, Dumplin, it's nice of Mr. Witherspoon to call us to the phone all the time. The least we can do is to give his cash register a nudge.

[Barbara Riley]

Well, I've got to go down to the drugstore and phone the beauty salon. I'll be right back.

[Chester J. Riley]

All that kid had for breakfast was a cup of coffee and some fresh lipstick. All she does is phone that beauty saloon.

[Peg Riley]

Now, dear, a girl her age wants to look her best. That's another reason we need our own phone. She's beginning to go out on dates.

[Chester J. Riley]

When the right boy comes along, she won't need no phone to land him. He'll come in person. Remember that movie we seen with Cleopatra and Casanova?

[Peg Riley]

Oh, Casanova. You mean Mark Anthony.

[Chester J. Riley]

Yeah. Yeah. Look at the boyfriend she had and not a phone in the joint.

[Peg Riley]

Oh, what an exciting love affair that was. Cleopatra and Mark Antony. Oh, what a romance.

[Chester J. Riley]

Well, Peg, we had quite a romance, didn't we? Till we got married.

[Peg Riley]

Riley.

[Barbara Riley]

Gosh, I couldn't make my call. Uncle Baxter is using the phone.

[Chester J. Riley]

Uncle Baxter? Did you have to mention that leech? My food was going down nicely until his name came up.

[Barbara Riley]

Oh, I'm sorry, Daddy.

[Peg Riley]

Now, Riley, stop stewing about Uncle Baxter.

[Chester J. Riley]

That grafter the weekend he dropped in for two years ago is beginning to run out.

[Peg Riley]

Well, I. I didn't want to spoil the surprise, but Uncle Baxter's phoning about.

[Chester J. Riley]

A job that I won't believe until I see it with my own ears.

[Peg Riley]

Well, I. I wasn't supposed to tell you.

[Barbara Riley]

Just how many years has Uncle Baxter been out of work?

[Chester J. Riley]

Well, nobody knows exactly. You'd have to look at his birth certificate.

[Barbara Riley]

Well, I better get ready for school.

[Chester J. Riley]

Peg, that kid don't need no beauty parlor. She looks like you, and that ain't hard to take.

[Peg Riley]

Oh, you and your compliment.

[Uncle Baxter]

Good morning, Riley, my dear nephew. Hello.

[Peg Riley]

Well, Uncle Baxter, would you have a bite of breakfast?

[Uncle Baxter]

Oh, no, go to no trouble, my dear Neil. Just the usual. Grapefruit, coddled eggs, bacon and coffee.

[Chester J. Riley]

Hash brown potatoes.

[Uncle Baxter]

Unless French fried are easier.

[Chester J. Riley]

Uncle Baxter, maybe you should take a tonic. You should force yourself to eat.

[Uncle Baxter]

Riley. When one's mind is buzzing with plans, One is much too busy to feel the pangs of hunger. Food is the last thing I think of.

[Chester J. Riley]

Yeah, right before you go to bed. I. I heard you opening a second front in the kitchen last night. I. I presume you landed a beachhead on the ice box.

[Peg Riley]

Oh, now, Roddy, please.

[Uncle Baxter]

Dear Children. Now I shall let you in on a little secret.

[Chester J. Riley]

Did you get the job?

[Uncle Baxter]

Now, let's not get ahead of my story. Yesterday, the Flick Smedley Company decided to appoint me director of advertising for the entire West Coast.

[Peg Riley]

Oh, how wonderful.

[Chester J. Riley]

Uncle Baxter, have some of my bacon. To cover that much ground, you need plenty of strength.

[Uncle Baxter]

Thank you. Thank you. The position pays 10,000 a year.

[Chester J. Riley]

Have a cigar, Uncle Baxter, to wash down the bacon.

[Uncle Baxter]

Thank you. Naturally, I would have known of this yesterday, but alas, we haven't a fold in the house. All day long, Flick and Smedley tried to reach me.

[Chester J. Riley]

Well, the details don't really matter. When do you start work?

[Uncle Baxter]

Now we come to the tragic part of the story. When I phoned them just now, it was too late. The job had been filled.

[Chester J. Riley]

Give me back that cigar.

[Uncle Baxter]

Here, my boy. It isn't my brand anywhere. Believe me, Riley, I'd have had that job if we had a phone.

[Chester J. Riley]

You couldn't get a job if we had a whole switchboard. Besides, you can't get a phone nowadays. There's a war. So for the duration of the duration, we use that drugstore phone. Mr. Witherspoon's always glad to call us.

[Uncle Baxter]

Glad?

[Chester J. Riley]

Well, sure. We take adhesive off him, don't we? Come in.

[Peg Riley]

Why, hello, Mr. Witherspoon. We were just talking about you.

[Chester J. Riley]

Sit down, Mr. Witherspoon. Have a cup of coffee.

[Mr. Witherspoon]

I haven't got time. My store is full of customers waiting for me to give them a cup of coffee.

[Barbara Riley]

Oh, hello, Mr. Witherspoon.

[Mr. Witherspoon]

Ms. Riley, a girl just phoned you.

[Barbara Riley]

Oh, just a girl?

[Mr. Witherspoon]

Miss riley, you had 14 calls from boys yesterday. This just breaks the monotony. Here's her name on this paper.

[Barbara Riley]

Oh, thank you. Tincture of benzedrine.

[Mr. Witherspoon]

The other side.

[Uncle Baxter]

Oh.

[Barbara Riley]

Margie Myers. I better call her.

[Chester J. Riley]

Oh, Babs, don't forget to buy a little something. While you're there. Get some adhesive tape.

[Mr. Witherspoon]

Look, Mr. Riley, every time I call you to the phone, you buy adhesive tape. I know you're trying to do me a favor, but you have created a shortage of adhesive tape in this neighborhood.

[Chester J. Riley]

I have?

[Mr. Witherspoon]

The OPA Is asking questions. Tell me, are you starting a black market in adhesive tape? No, I swear I. Mr. Raleigh, get the. Your own phone. I've got flat feet from running from my store to your house.

[Chester J. Riley]

Well, why don't you wear arch supports? You could sell them to yourself and save your own profit.

[Uncle Baxter]

Why don't you get a boy to help you?

[Mr. Witherspoon]

My dear apothecary, I've had nine already. Every time I break one in, he gets drafted. Maybe you know someone who's over age.

[Chester J. Riley]

Yeah, an older man, huh? Hey, how's about hiring Uncle Baxter Riley?

[Uncle Baxter]

You are not suggesting that I become a soda jerk?

[Chester J. Riley]

Well, it ain't hard. You just add soda to your present occupation.

[Mr. Witherspoon]

Oh, I couldn't hire Mr. Tainbull.

[Uncle Baxter]

Oh, you could not? And why not, may I ask? Are you impugning my honesty? My intelligence?

[Mr. Witherspoon]

But I wouldn't hire anybody who sits in my phone booth like this morning and talks to bookmakers.

[Chester J. Riley]

So you talked to Mr. Smedley this morning, huh? You lost a job because we didn't have a phone, huh, Baxter?

[Uncle Baxter]

Riley, surely you don't believe this. Witherspoon, you've lost your senses.

[Mr. Witherspoon]

I not only lost my senses. I followed the tips you gave me. And I lost $30.

[Uncle Baxter]

You'll pardon me. I'm a shave.

[Chester J. Riley]

I. Well, don't be too careful, Mr. Witherspoon.

[Peg Riley]

In the future, we'll try not to have so many phone calls.

[Mr. Witherspoon]

Thank you. Oh, Mr. Riley, before I go, could you do me a favor?

[Chester J. Riley]

Sure. What is it?

[Mr. Witherspoon]

Sell me 40 cents worth of adhesive.

[Chester J. Riley]

Well, I'll. I'll drop some off on my way to the bus.

[Mr. Witherspoon]

Fine.

[Uncle Baxter]

You.

[Peg Riley]

Well, Riley. So Mr. Witherspoon is always glad to call us to the phone, is he?

[Chester J. Riley]

Well, I can't help it. I didn't start the war. But I'm liable to start one with that uncle of yours advertising job. They probably wanted him to walk along the street carrying a sandwich sign.

[Mrs. Ponsonby]

Oh, dad.

[Chester J. Riley]

Yeah?

[Barbara Riley]

Not having a phone has ruined my whole life.

[Chester J. Riley]

Well, what's the matter?

[Barbara Riley]

Margie just told me that Gerald wanted to ask me to the Promise. But when he couldn't phone me, he went nasty. Gracie Fletcher.

[Peg Riley]

And now I haven't got a day.

[Chester J. Riley]

Now, honey, don't get upset. Look, I ain't going to the prom, and I ain't crying.

[Peg Riley]

Of course, child. I'll go and talk to her.

[Uncle Baxter]

Riley, I could not help overhearing the details of Barbara's horrible plight.

[Chester J. Riley]

Uncle Baxter, this, like every other business in this country, is none of your business. Besides, it ain't no horrible plight. If my daughter don't go out with that Gerald, I don't trust him.

[Uncle Baxter]

But Gerald's father is a banker.

[Chester J. Riley]

Then he don't trust me. So we're either.

[Uncle Baxter]

Riley, you owe it to your family to get a phone.

[Chester J. Riley]

I told you, you can't get a phone today.

[Uncle Baxter]

All right, my obstinate nephew. Let your daughter grow up to be an old maid. Do you want to go through life without knowing the thrill of carrying your grandchildren through piggyback around the roof?

[Chester J. Riley]

No, Uncle Baxter, I. I gotta have grandchildren. At least two. A boy and a girl. But you need a priority. For grandchildren, for a phone. Say, you think I didn't want a phone, Riley?

[Uncle Baxter]

Have you tried to get one? Well, no.

[Chester J. Riley]

I talked it over with myself and we decided it was no use.

[Uncle Baxter]

If I can get you a phone, will you permit me to.

[Chester J. Riley]

Oh, all right.

[Uncle Baxter]

I'll go immediately.

[Chester J. Riley]

Here's 20 cents for your bus fare.

[Uncle Baxter]

What about my lunch?

[Chester J. Riley]

You had it just now with your breakfast.

[Uncle Baxter]

Farewell, Riley. When you come home tonight, there will be a phone in this house.

[Barbara Riley]

Oh, Riley.

[Chester J. Riley]

How's that?

[Peg Riley]

Oh, she's all right.

[Chester J. Riley]

Holy smoke. At 7:20 time I kissed you goodbye.

[Peg Riley]

Well, you're in rare form this morning, Riley.

[Chester J. Riley]

You know, Dumplin, for a couple that's been hitched for 17 years, our. Our romance is doing pretty good.

[Peg Riley]

I like it, dear.

[Chester J. Riley]

Ah, sir, the Rileys don't have to take a back seat for any lovers. Not even Cleopatra and Mr. Anth.

[William Bendix]

While we're waiting for Riley to get off to work, let's go to a county fair. See those fine sleek hogs with blue ribbons hanging on the pen? How much do you suppose they weigh? And how much meat will they make? Well, a 250 pound market weight hog will produce only about 135 pounds of meat and 60 pounds of fat for lard. Some of this is sheer loss, like the moisture that goes up the smokehouse flue. And bacon is smoked to the flavorful goodness you like. And the pounds that do go for food aren't all pork chops and ham and bacon. It includes the pig's feet and hawks and spare ribs and liver and lard. All fine food, but ones for which you pay less. In fact, a few pork cuts and some beef cuts too frequently sell at retail for less per pound than the per pound price of the live meat animal. They don't even return in money what they cost on the hook. So the cuts that cost a little more must sell for enough to make up for the cost of the pound's lost as well as for the cost of dressing and chilling, curing and smoking and bringing the meat to you. Meats are brought from the farm to your kitchen with less added cost than any other group of foods you eat, according to the United States Department of Agriculture figures. And now back to the life of Riley. It's about five in the evening and none of the Rileys are home yet. But Mrs. Riley's uncle Baxter is at home with a man from the telephone company.

[Chester J. Riley]

Hello? 7 18. Check and ring back.

[Uncle Baxter]

Completed installation rings okay.

[Chester J. Riley]

That's okay. Thank you. Well, there you are, sir. Your phone's ready to use.

[William Bendix]

Oh, capital, capital.

[Uncle Baxter]

Ah, you're lucky to get one, what with the shortage.

[Chester J. Riley]

But being a doctor puts you on top of the list.

[Omaha Steaks]

Omaha Steaks makes it easy to keep great food on hand, so dinnertime is simple and convenient. And right now you can get 12 free burgers and free shipping for life when you [e-mail] onRepeat at Omaha Steaks, you're in control. Order once or set up recurring shipments for more savings, more convenience and inflation proof pricing. Visit omahasteaks.com ONRepeat to get started today and get 12 free burgers and free shipping for life. Minimum purchase may apply. See site for details.

[Uncle Baxter]

I'm not the doctor. That's my nephew.

[William Bendix]

Oh.

[Chester J. Riley]

Hey, could I kind of ask the doctor a question about my tonsils?

[Uncle Baxter]

Dr. Riley's not here.

[Chester J. Riley]

He's out on a call. I just wanted him to look at.

[Mr. Chase]

My tonsils, but I could leave him.

[Chester J. Riley]

I got him in a bottle in my car.

[Uncle Baxter]

I'm sorry, Dr. Riley. You're too busy to take in a new place.

[Chester J. Riley]

Well, okay then.

[Uncle Baxter]

Here, sign here. Dr. Chester J. Riley per Baxter Turnbull. Thank you very much.

[Barbara Riley]

Dad, why didn't you go to the movies with mother?

[Chester J. Riley]

Well, I got to stay here and wait for that plumber. If you don't come pretty soon, I'll have to go down and fix them pipes myself.

[Barbara Riley]

Oh, dad, look. A car's in front of the house and. And a man's getting out.

[Chester J. Riley]

Oh, good, that's the plumber. Now we'll have some hot water.

[Barbara Riley]

Well, I'm going to bed. I've got a history exam tomorrow.

[Chester J. Riley]

Good night, honey. I'll try and keep the plumber quiet so he won't disturb you.

[Mr. Chase]

Hey, Joe, you see that house there? There's a doctor. See, there's the shingle in the window. Dr. Riley, he just moved into the neighborhood. Boy, I sure hope he can do something for my throat. Wait for me, will you? Oh, good evening, doc.

[Chester J. Riley]

Good Evening. Bad throat, huh?

[Mr. Chase]

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's murder.

[Chester J. Riley]

Well, follow me down to the cellar. We'll take a look at those pipes.

[Mr. Chase]

The cellar? The cellar.

[Chester J. Riley]

Yeah. I've been waiting for you all evening.

[Mr. Chase]

But Doc, why the cellar? The light's good up here.

[Chester J. Riley]

Look, bud, don't stand there with your mouth open. Come on, it won't take long.

[Mr. Chase]

Probably all I need is some gargles.

[Chester J. Riley]

You don't need goggles. This ain't a welding job. Say, you shouldn't have worn that good suit. By the time you're through, you'll be a mess.

[Mr. Chase]

Hey, is it that serious?

[Chester J. Riley]

Maybe they're rusty insiders rag stuck somewhere. We'll. We'll flush them with sulfuric acid.

[Mr. Chase]

Sulfuric acid? Look, Doc. Look, I'd better come back tomorrow.

[Chester J. Riley]

Oh, I ain't letting you get away, pal. Now that you're here, I'm desperate.

[Mr. Chase]

Look, I ain't going down in that cellar.

[Chester J. Riley]

Don't look so worried. They can be faked. There's nothing that a blowtorch can't do.

[Mr. Chase]

Blowtorch? Let me out of here. You're nuts. You're not a doctor, you're a plumber.

[Uncle Baxter]

Riley, what's all this confounded din about waking me up in the middle of the evening?

[Chester J. Riley]

Well, Uncle Baxter, there's a lunatic loose in the neighborhood. Plumber comes in here and says I'm not a doctor.

[Uncle Baxter]

A doctor? I thought I took that shingle out of the window. Good heavens, I forgot.

[Chester J. Riley]

I. What shingle? In what window? Say, there is a shingle in the window. It's not the plumber who's a lunatic, Uncle Baxter.

[Uncle Baxter]

Riley, you wanted a phone. While Riley can't get a phone, Dr. Riley can.

[Chester J. Riley]

So that's how you got the phone, saying I was a doctor. Of all the low down double dealing. I'm gonna take that shingle and make you eat it.

[Uncle Baxter]

Riley, be serene.

[Chester J. Riley]

Count your blessing. I'll serene you.

[Uncle Baxter]

Riley, out the window. A policeman with a man who's limping. They're coming here.

[Chester J. Riley]

Ah, come good. I'll tell them what you've done.

[Uncle Baxter]

But Riley, this phone is in your name. Now, according to the law, you have committed a fraud ipso facto.

[Chester J. Riley]

But I can prove I ain't a doctor. I got them by the ipso facto.

[Uncle Baxter]

Now, Riley, listen. Discretion is the better part of valor. They'll drag you out of the house handcuffed.

[Chester J. Riley]

You mean I can go to jail for this?

[Uncle Baxter]

Well, you can take your choice. You can either go or they'll take you. You'll be Locked in the tidy cell. You won't be Chester J. Riley anymore. You'll just be number 15328.

[Chester J. Riley]

Well, I don't care. I'm going to tell the truth.

[Uncle Baxter]

All right. Number 153298. Riley. Riley, you can't think of yourself. You must think of your wife and the children and the disgrace you are bringing down on their innocent heads.

[Chester J. Riley]

Gee, if I go to jail, I may lose my job.

[Uncle Baxter]

Riley, the doorbell.

[Chester J. Riley]

What'll I do?

[Uncle Baxter]

Let them think you're a doctor. Get rid of them as quick as you can.

[Chester J. Riley]

My head's beginning to hurt. I need a doctor. My.

[Uncle Baxter]

Shall I open the door, Dr. Riley?

[Chester J. Riley]

All right, let's get it over with. Hello, doctor.

[Uncle Baxter]

I'm not the doctor. This is Dr. Riley.

[Mr. Chase]

Doc, Mr. Chase here had an accident down the street.

[Uncle Baxter]

Oh, I'm all right, doctor.

[Mr. Chase]

I'll handle this. Examine his leg, doc. We gotta make sure there's no bones broken.

[Chester J. Riley]

Well, it looks all right from here.

[Uncle Baxter]

Oh, there's nothing wrong with it. I can walk.

[Chester J. Riley]

Walk or no walk, the rule book.

[Mr. Chase]

Says after an accident, the victim must be examined by a licensed physician.

[Chester J. Riley]

Yeah, but, officer, the man says there's nothing wrong with his leg. And who should know better? After all, it's his leg.

[Uncle Baxter]

Officer, I think I'll be going.

[Mr. Chase]

Sit down there. I know my duty. Start your examination, doctor.

[Chester J. Riley]

Well, let's see. Stick out your tongue. Tongue?

[Mr. Chase]

It's his link.

[Uncle Baxter]

Better hurry. Dr. Riley. Don't forget you're wanted in surgery.

[Chester J. Riley]

Yeah, I, I, I almost forgot, officer. There's nothing I can do. I I just moved into the neighborhood and I. I ain't got my tools.

[Uncle Baxter]

Tools? The doctor means instruments. Professional slang. Officer, I've got to get home.

[Chester J. Riley]

Yeah, that's what I prescribe. A good dose of home.

[Mr. Chase]

Now, wait a minute, doc. Wait a minute. I want to know what's wrong with this leg in case he sues the city.

[Uncle Baxter]

Oh, I won't sue anybody. It's only a slight sprain.

[Chester J. Riley]

That's right. It's only a sprain. Maybe not even that. Maybe it's only a fracture. A fracture? Professional slang. Meaning nothing wrong. All Mr. Chase needs is exercise, walking, plenty of walking, and my advice is to start right now. Good night, Mr. No charge.

[Mr. Chase]

Wait a minute, doc. Wait a minute. You mean walking after you've taped up his leg, don't you?

[Uncle Baxter]

Yes, that's precisely what the doctor means. Go on. Dr. Riley, the tape.

[Chester J. Riley]

Look, officer, there's something I gotta tell you.

[Uncle Baxter]

Doctor, you better hurry.

[William Bendix]

You know, Mr.

[Uncle Baxter]

Warden is expecting you.

[Mr. Chase]

What were you saying, Doc?

[Chester J. Riley]

I better tape that leg before gangbusters sets in. I mean gangrene.

[Uncle Baxter]

I'll get some adhesive tape from the surgical cabinet.

[Mrs. Ponsonby]

Oh, Dr. Riley, I'm Mrs. Ponsonby. I saw your shingle in the window and I said to myself, I must drop in and see Dr. Riley.

[Chester J. Riley]

Lady, I'm very busy right now.

[Mr. Witherspoon]

Go ahead.

[Mr. Chase]

Take care of the lady, Doc.

[Chester J. Riley]

We'll wait. But I. Well, all right. Into the dining room, madam.

[Mrs. Ponsonby]

Oh, Dr. Riley, I have pains and aches all the time. And you know, last night I got the most terrible pain in my jaw. So this morning I went to see Dr. And he told me it was my imagination. So this afternoon I went to see Dr. Carter. He frightened me terribly. He said there was nothing wrong. And now. Now I'm coming from Dr. Peters and he just laughs. But I just know that it must be lockjaw.

[Chester J. Riley]

Little lockjaw wouldn't hurt you.

[Mrs. Ponsonby]

Oh, there it is.

[Uncle Baxter]

Lock.

[Mrs. Ponsonby]

Joe, do you think you'll have to operate? I have money. I can afford his operations.

[Chester J. Riley]

Oh, no, I seldom operate. What that jawbone needs is rest.

[Mrs. Ponsonby]

Oh, you mean a month in Palm Springs? Oh, I just love Palm Springs. It's so hot and so cool and so expensive.

[Chester J. Riley]

There's only one thing that'll fix that jaw. Adhesive tape.

[Mrs. Ponsonby]

How quaint.

[Chester J. Riley]

Now, you just wait here. Unless you'd rather leave.

[Mrs. Ponsonby]

No, no, I'll wait. Doctor, you have a wonderful bedside nano.

[Mr. Chase]

Say, Doc, will you take care of this leg?

[William Bendix]

Now, here's the tape, Doctor.

[Chester J. Riley]

Oh, yes, it's a tape. Yeah. Well, let's see. We stick a piece here, stick a piece there.

[Mr. Chase]

How's the lady, Doc? Anything serious?

[Chester J. Riley]

No, just a little lock jaw. Lock jaw.

[Mrs. Ponsonby]

Dr. Bradley, hurry, please. I have an appointment with Dr. Fawcett, and this is.

[Chester J. Riley]

I'm coming, Mrs. Ponsonby. Excuse me, Mr. Chase. I. Well, I better answer the door first. Doctor, my name is Fogle Fresher. I'm sorry, I can't do anything for that. I. I saw your shingle in the window. Everybody thought I'd shingle except me.

[Mr. Chase]

There's something in my eye, Doc.

[William Bendix]

Can you fix me up?

[Chester J. Riley]

Well, I. I'm pretty busy taping up this man's leg here.

[Uncle Baxter]

Oh, go on, Doc. His eye is more important than my leg.

[Chester J. Riley]

Okay. Here, let me lift that eyelid.

[Mr. Chase]

Hey, now, take it easy, Doc.

[William Bendix]

Anything there?

[Chester J. Riley]

Yeah, there's an eye and a speck of dust. We'll try and work it out. Close your eyes. Now. Now, open your eyes. Now close them.

[Mr. Chase]

Yeah, they're closed.

[Chester J. Riley]

Can you see anything? No. Interesting.

[Uncle Baxter]

Oh, Dr. Riley. Now will you please finish taping my leg?

[Chester J. Riley]

Oh, yeah, sure, I guess.

[William Bendix]

Yes.

[Chester J. Riley]

But what about my eye? I pronounce it cured.

[Mrs. Ponsonby]

Dr. Riley, you better do something. I'm beginning to feel better.

[Chester J. Riley]

Hey, Doc, can I open my eyes now? Yeah, yeah, open them. Well, Mr. Chase, your. Your leg's all finished. You can go now.

[Mr. Chase]

Thanks, Doctor.

[Chester J. Riley]

Oh, what's the matter now? I can't walk and I can't talk and I can't see and I can't stand. Hello. What? A maternity case. Well, you better call somebody else. I'm busy. How much can a doctor like me do?

[Mr. Chase]

Now, Doc, if that's the case with a stork, you go on over there. Come on, folks. Everybody out. Dr. Riley's got an emergency.

[Barbara Riley]

What about my jaw?

[Chester J. Riley]

What about my eye and my leg? Folks, the flat foot is right. What's an eye or a jaw or a leg compared to a bundle from heaven? A blasted event.

[Mr. Chase]

Everybody out.

[Mr. Witherspoon]

Come on.

[Mr. Chase]

Good night, Doc.

[Chester J. Riley]

Holy smokes.

[Uncle Baxter]

Riley. I came through the back door. I phoned you from the drugstore.

[Chester J. Riley]

Then that was you with the stork.

[Uncle Baxter]

Clever ruse to get rid of them, huh?

[Chester J. Riley]

Oh, what a night. And all because you had to have a phone. We're taking it out first thing in the morning.

[Uncle Baxter]

Well, you're the boss, Riley. Now to remove the shingle.

[Chester J. Riley]

Yeah, I get that. It's stuck.

[Uncle Baxter]

Oh. Oh, I cut myself. It's bleeding. It's bleeding. Give me some of that, he said, will you?

[Chester J. Riley]

Oh, Uncle Baxter. Not adhesive. A tourniquet. And I'll put it on for you. Me, Dr. Riley.

[Uncle Baxter]

Riley, you have the strangest look on your face.

[Chester J. Riley]

Riley's also Uncle Baxter, if you do me one favor, I'll never say another harsh word to you.

[Uncle Baxter]

What's that, Riley?

[Chester J. Riley]

Let me apply this tourniquet to your neck. The Riley.

[William Bendix]

What do you do at your house when you're all hungry for a good meat meal and your ration points are getting low? Do you just give up? Or do you women who plan the meals get busy and hunt down a meat cut that will match your ration point? Well, maybe you need some help on this. Here are a few ideas from the American Meat Institute. You know, there are many meats that call for very few points per pound. For example, when you find lamb shanks at the market, there's the basis for as fine a dish as you can eat. Get one lamb shank for each member of the family. Brown them in fat. Braise them slowly in a covered pan in the oven and you'll have as delicious a meat meal as you can get in the best restaurant. Ox joints are another famous restaurant meat that you ought to try at home. So are barbecued spare ribs and kidney stew. Or if you want to go into the good old fashioned homey dishes, try pork sausage and mashed potatoes. Why not have a little chat with your meat man? He knows all the good meat cuts that save points and will help you choose something really good from those he has each day. Remember, even the low point meats have the essential B vitamins and the minerals, iron, copper, phosphorus and of course, protein. Yes, meats is the yardstick of protean food. All statements regarding the nutritional value of meat made on this program are accepted by the Council on Foods and Nutrition of the American Medical Association.

[Peg Riley]

Well, Riley, you still up?

[Chester J. Riley]

Yeah, Dublin. How was the movie?

[Peg Riley]

Oh, it was wonderful, Riley. I saw a Dr. Gillespie picture. Oh, such excitement. You wouldn't believe what those doctors go through. Well, you should have been there.

[Chester J. Riley]

I should have been there.

[William Bendix]

Follow the Life of Riley next week at the same time. William Bendix, who appears on this program by arrangement with Hal Roach, can be seen currently in the 20th Century Fox picture Lifeboat. The Life of Riley was directed by Don Bernard with music by Lou Coslow. It came to you from Hollywood. This is Ken Nile saying, see you next week.

[Chester J. Riley]

Oh, Mr. Niles.

[William Bendix]

Yes, Riley.

[Chester J. Riley]

Don't forget to tell our friends we all got to buy an extra E bond and go over the top in the fourth war loan drive. Let's get this war finished and then we all can live the life of Riley.

[William Bendix]

This is the Blue Network.