Lum and Abner 35-01-18 (0025) Lum and Abner Operate Pine Ridge Matrimonial Bureau

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio

Episode: Lum and Abner 35-01-18 (0025) – Lum and Abner Operate the Pine Ridge Matrimonial Bureau

Release Date: January 25, 2026
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Featured Characters: Lum, Abner, Squire Skimp

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Episode Overview

This episode takes listeners back to the classic world of Lum and Abner, two lovable entrepreneurs in the fictional town of Pine Ridge. The main focus is their new venture: the Pine Ridge Matrimonial Bureau, which has become surprisingly successful. Yet, the pair faces a major complication – an impending lawsuit from Squire Skimp for $4,200, threatening all they own. Much of the episode revolves around comedic small-town schemes, friendship, and Lum and Abner’s determination to stay afloat amidst legal troubles and family pressures.

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Key Discussion Points and Story Highlights

1. Marriage Ceremonies and Lum’s Side Hustle (02:59–04:28)

• Lum rehearses his role as Justice of the Peace, reciting a full wedding ceremony.
• He explains to Abner the difference between a “regular” cut-and-dried ceremony ($2.50) and a deluxe service ($5).
• Quote:
  • Lum, practicing the ceremony:
    “Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife, provide for her through sickness and health…?” (03:00)
  • Abner, teasing Lum about his thoroughness:
    “Hey, doggy, you’re sure aiming on putting on all the trimmings on this wedding, ain’t you now?” (03:26)

2. Financial Woes and Domestic Pressures (04:28–06:03)

• Abner laments about not having money to bring his wife Elizabeth and daughter Pearl back home, and not telling Elizabeth about their failing oil business.
• Lum critiques Abner’s qualifications for giving marital advice through their bureau, considering his own household chaos.
• Quote:
  • Lum, sarcastically to Abner:
    “And you’re a great one to be the head of the Domestic Problem department of our Matrimonial Bureau when you can’t even run your own home.” (05:30)

3. Squire Skimp’s Proposition (06:05–08:56)

• Squire Skimp pays them a visit, proposing that if they make him a third partner in their business, he’ll drop the lawsuit.
• Lum vehemently refuses, citing past betrayals and mistrust.
• Notable Exchange:
  • Squire Skimp:
    “If you gentlemen want to give me a third interest in this matrimonial agency here, why, I’ll just call the suit off. Just withdraw.” (07:49)
  • Lum, firmly rejecting the offer:
    “I wouldn’t even swap nickels with you. Now, if you want to call a suit off, all right. But as far as being a third partner in this matrimonial bureau, I wouldn’t be associated with you in no kind of business.” (08:23)

4. The Lost Document and Narrow Escape (09:18–11:14)

• After Squire leaves, Lum and Abner debate if refusing him was wise considering their financial bind.
• They reminisce about vital paperwork – an agreement signed by Squire that absolved them of oil business obligations.
• Memorable Moment:
  • Lum suddenly realizes the missing agreement is in the pocket of his wedding coat:
    “The agreement that Squire Skimp signed. Here it is right here. It’s been in this pocket all the time, and I never once thought about looking.” (11:45)

5. Humor, Friendship, and Small-Town Schemes

• The episode weaves gentle ribbing, misunderstandings, and rural wisdom throughout, highlighting the camaraderie and resilience between Lum and Abner, even in the face of adversity.

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• Wedding Ceremony Practice (03:00–03:26)
  Lum: “And now, my young friends, as you go out into life to grasp the skirts of happy chance, may your stream of life unruffled run and the roses bloom without a thorn.”
• Abner’s Dilemma (05:11)
  Abner, on hiding bad news from his wife: “I just never wanted to run a tip for her… I just don’t know what to do about it.”
• Squire’s Visit:
  Squire Skimp, angling for partnership (07:49): “If you gentlemen want to give me a third interest in this matrimonial agency here, why, I’ll just call the suit off. Just withdraw.”
• Lum’s Refusal:
  Lum, resolutely (08:23): “I wouldn’t even swap nickels with you… The quicker you can get out of my house, the better it’ll suit me.”
• The Paper Found:
  Lum, discovering the crucial document (11:45): “The agreement that Squire Skimp signed... Here it is right here. It’s been in his pocket all the time, and I never once thought about having it.”

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Timeline of Key Segments

• 02:59–04:28: Lum rehearses wedding ceremony; payment negotiations
• 04:28–06:03: Abner’s family and finance woes
• 06:05–08:56: Squire Skimp’s proposal and Lum’s heated refusal
• 09:18–11:14: Discussion about lawsuit, rediscovery of the lost agreement
• 11:45: Critical turning point – finding the agreement paper

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Tone and Character

The dialogue is lighthearted, laced with rural idioms and small-town humor. Lum’s confident airs and Abner’s anxious pragmatism make for a charming, comedic dynamic. Squire Skimp is the classic wily operator whose schemes are ultimately outdone by luck and the protagonists’ resolve.

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Conclusion

This Lum & Abner episode encapsulates the warm, comedic energy of old-time radio, balancing slapstick, wit, and gentle satire about enterprise and friendship. The episode’s tension – dodging a costly lawsuit while running a matrimonial bureau – resolves with a stroke of luck and classic small-town resourcefulness.

Listeners are treated not just to the hijinks of Pine Ridge, but to a piece of Americana that celebrates characters, kindly mockery, and the ultimate triumph of “good folk.”

Transcript

[A]

I'm here on a job site with Tim, who owns his own electrical contracting business.

[B]

Three employees and two work trucks.

[A]

Tim traded up to Geico Commercial Auto Insurance. We're positively here where he needs us most.

[B]

They sure are.

[A]

With step by step help on all his insurance needs. All for shockingly low rates.

[B]

Shockingly low, huh?

[A]

Just a little bit of electrician humor. Do you get it?

[B]

I got it.

[A]

You know, it feels like we have a real connection.

[B]

Alright, I'll stop, get a commercial auto insurance quote [e-mail] and see how much you could save. It feels good. To geico. Howdy, everybody. Here we are all ready to take you down the Pine Ridge for another visit with Lum and Abner, brought to you by the makers of Horlick, the original malted milk. When in the midst of a busy day at your work or in your home, a heavy luncheon may cause you distress or leave you feeling drowsy because it's so hard to digest. That's why more and more people are turning to the Horlick Luncheon. A glass full of Horlicks is a refreshing and nourishing lunch. Energy giving, sustaining too. And you couldn't find the food more easily digestible. That's why Horlicks at noon keeps you alert mentally and physically. Why busy people prefer Horlicks to the heavier, hard to digest luncheon. Overweight people will find the Horlick Luncheon a fine reducing plan for it's without the heavier meals, excess of calories. Try the Horlick luncheon tomorrow. You can get Horlick, you know, in either natural or chocolate flavor at your drugstore. And now let's get ready for Lum and Abner. Well, the Pine Ridge Matrimonial Bureau is proving even more successful than Lum and Abner had hoped for. The old fellows are receiving hundreds of applications and their only worry now seems to be the suit that Squire Skimp has brought against them for $4,200, which is scheduled to come up next week. As we look in on Pine Ridge today, we find Lumen Abner over at Lum's house, which they are using as headquarters for their new enterprise. Lum seems to be very busy. Listen, body, do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife, provide for her through sickness and health, and forsaking all others to love, honor and obey her as long as you both shall live?

[C]

I do.

[B]

You will now join right hand or left hand, disguin hand by the power invested in me as justice of the Peace of Groverleaf Township, I now pronounce you man and wife. And now, my young friends, as you go out into life to grasp the skirts of happy chance, may your stream of life unruffled run and the roses bloom without a thorn. Hydrolysis. Yes.

[C]

Hey, doggy. You're sure aiming on putting on all the trimmings on this wedding, ain't you now?

[B]

Well, I feel sort of responsible for this wedding. I was the one that agged them into getting hit.

[C]

Yeah, I recollect when you called them up on the phone the other day and was telling them what a good match they made.

[B]

Well, Ruth just never had nerve enough to ask her. They'd have been married old.

[C]

Yeah. Oh, well now, do you want to go through it again now long.

[B]

No, I believe I know it by heart. Now, I've got to start getting dressed up. It's supposed to be over here at 4 o'. Clock.

[C]

Oh yeah. Going to change clothes, huh?

[B]

Well, I just slip on our next collar and tie and put on my croctail.

[C]

Cool.

[B]

Yeah, I don't mind to put myself a little bother when I'm getting $5 this away.

[C]

Well, I thought you told Ruth on the phone the other day she'd make him a special price of two dollars and a half.

[B]

Well, I did, but like I told him this morning, that's just for the regular cut and dried ceremony. For $5 I could give him a first class wedding with all the semens.

[C]

Yeah, that'll be the first cash money that we've took in a long time on. It's matrimonial.

[B]

Yeah, but this ain't got nothing to do with our matrimonial business. This is sort of a sideline with me. This is justice of the pieces.

[C]

Yeah, well, I wish we start getting some money then pretty soon so I can send for Elizabeth and Pearl. I got a hearing from Elizabeth this morning. Just raising the roof. Cause I hadn't sent her money for.

[B]

Her and Pearl to come home on and another land.

[C]

Yeah, she said her relay, she was getting tired of feeding them. That's what she said.

[B]

Well, she ought to understand that you just ain't got the money to send it.

[C]

Well, trouble of it is, Lonty, I ain't told her that the oil well weren't all. Well, she thinks we're still there.

[B]

You mean you ain't told her that we sold out to Squire Skimp?

[C]

No, no, I ain't told her nothing about it. I. I just never wanted to run a tip for her.

[B]

Well, lord me, Abner, when She gets home, finds out that we've lost the store and never made no money out of the OR business. On top of everything else, that Squire Skimps are suing us for $4200 and got everything we own tied up with taxman paper. She's going hiring a tank.

[C]

Yeah, I know. And I know, kid. I just don't know what to do about it.

[B]

Hardly. And you're a great one to be the head of the Domestic Problem department of our Metromotor Bureau when you can't even run your own home.

[C]

Well, what would you do about it, Norma? Of course, I'd rather tell her while she's down there so far away that she can't throw nothing at me. But I'm afraid if I do tell her, she'll just stay down there in Texas, not come home.

[B]

Yeah, I wouldn't want to advise you on that problem, just all fan. Mr. Peabody, if you write your troubles to the Pine Ridge Macromonial Bureau, I'll be glad to study the situation. Over. Oh, my goodness. There's somebody to do.

[C]

Well, it ain't time for the wedding yet, is it?

[B]

Granted, I ain't got a collar on yet. Come in. You folks will just have to wait. Well, come in, Squire. How are you gentlemen today? All right, I reckon.

[C]

We thought you were a couple wanting to get married, Squire.

[B]

Yeah. No, just dropped over to talk to you gentlemen a little. Well, I ain't got time to talk with you, Squire. What is it you want? I've been hearing that you fellas have opened up a matrimonial bureau here in Pine Ridge. Yeah, the Pine Ridge Matrimonial Bure. I'm the president. Well, sir, men, that was a mighty good idea. A mighty good idea. Can't understand why I never thought of it myself, though. You fellers stand to make a lot of money out of that if it's handled right. Well, now, there ain't no use to beat around the bush choir. What are you leading up to? Well, just to come right out with it, Mom. I've been thinking right smart about this thing ever since I heard about you going into it. Now, just to be honest, you fellas have got something there. But you don't know nothing about a business of this kind. Why, myself, I'm a natural born promoter. That's been my life work. Yeah, know that all right. I was just thinking, sort of on account of us being sick, old friend, that I might come in as a third partner in this thing and sort of help you fellas out. Well, now, that'd be a fine howdy do, wouldn't it? Us take you in as a third partner when you've got everything we own tied up with taxman papers and lawsuing us here for $4,200. Well, now, Lum, as far as the lawsuit goes. Well, now, that can be handled. Yeah?

[C]

What do you mean, it can be handled?

[B]

Yeah. Well, I was just thinking. Now, that suit is set to come up next week. But if you gentlemen want to give me a third interest in this matrimonial agency here, why, I'll just call the suit off. Just withdraw. Well, now, here, let me tell you something, squire. Me and Abner put confidence in you before. Time and again you've come to us and told us. On account of us being such old friends, you do this or that for us. Now, we've had all the dealings with you we ever want to have. I wouldn't even swap nickels with you. Now, if you want to call a suit off, all right. But as far as being a third partner in this matrimonial bureau, I wouldn't be associated with you in no kind of business. I don't like to be unhospital to nobody. But the quicker you can get out of my house, the better it'll toot me. Well, all right, Lum, if that's the way you feel about it. But I'm warning you right now, don't come around wanting any sympathy. When I get that judgment for $4,200 and go to foreclosing on your property. Good day, gentlemen.

[C]

I believe he made a mistake there along, talking to him that way.

[B]

You mean you want him for a third party?

[C]

Well, no, no, but that looks like a pretty good way to get out of having that lawsuit if he does win it. Well, it's gonna be awful hard for us to lose our home special. Me with Elizabeth and Pearl.

[B]

Yeah, never thought about that. I might have sort of flew off in the handle. And I just wished I knowed one thing.

[C]

What's that?

[B]

Where that dream is that he signed, assuming all the obligations, they all business. If we had that to produce in court, he wouldn't stand a chance in the world winning that tea.

[C]

Yeah, but if they ain't got it now, man, it's a chance for him to lose, neither.

[B]

Yeah, I've got to get dressed now before these folks get in. After the wedding, me and you can sit down and talk this thing all over here. And if we decide it's best to let him in with us on this matrimonial Bureau, we can go over there and take him up on his proposition.

[C]

Yeah. Well, I believe it's a thing to do. As bad as I hate to have any more dealings with him, I believe.

[B]

It'S best in order to take a west wagon. Sort of sponge this collar off. Really need a new one. Except Lord turning toward a yellow. Get my frog tail pulled off in the wall there. Alan actually shivered up with them newspapers.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah, I see.

[B]

And had that thing on since the day was so low.

[C]

Well, you were so dressed up that day. I say that that was good deal.

[B]

I made that day too. Do say so myself. Smartest thing I done was making squire sign that green entry where if anything happened to the oil well, he wouldn't have no comeback on us.

[C]

Yeah, and if you hadn't lost it.

[B]

Well, it wasn't my fault, Abner. I pinned it right in my. Oh, I know.

[C]

L. I know. I ain't blaming you. No, not at all. Here. Here, slip this on. I'll help you tide on for size.

[B]

Sort of much oblige. How do I look?

[C]

All right.

[B]

Why? Just wondered. I always see your sort of importance when I get this out there, of course, that the wedding ceremony I load out.

[C]

Oh. Oh, yeah.

[B]

Think I better slip that in my inside coat pocket. So if I do forget, I can sort of take it out and glance at it.

[C]

Be ashamed he wants to about half married and forget what else you're going to say.

[B]

Yeah, I never will forget when I first started Jesse's a piece. And it was a young couple come to me to get married.

[C]

And I'm telling you to get married.

[B]

And hot ever. Hey, Granny, looky there.

[C]

Hot, ain't it?

[B]

Sure, I recollect. Now, why didn't I think of that? Yeah, I had this coat on the day I made the deal. The day I sold the oil business. Well, no wonder I couldn't find it. I was looking in the wrong cool.

[C]

What are you talking about?

[B]

The agreement that Squire skim sign. Here it is right here. It's been in his pocket all the time, and I never once thought about having it. Well, with this important paper back in their possession, the old fellows should have no worries as to the outcome of the lawsuit. And now, ladies and gentlemen, let's pay a little visit to the Stevens home. Mrs. Stevens is just returning from her shopping and we find her talking to her little daughter.

[C]

I bought you a present, Artie.

[D]

Mom. It's Mom.

[B]

What?

[C]

You just wait and see. It's in one of those big packages. We'll open it up In a minute. Here, you hold this while I take off this coat.

[D]

Oh, let's open my present first. Come on, Mom. You can take your coat off in just a minute.

[B]

All right.

[C]

Here. Here, you better let me open that. You have everything all over the floor.

[D]

Oh, let me open it, Mom.

[C]

Oh, all right. Careful.

[D]

I will be there. Now, see, I didn't spill anything.

[C]

There's your present. That large glass bottle there, those are Horlick molten milk tablets.

[D]

Oh, thanks, Mom. Are these just like Horlick's molded milk? Why did you buy me tablets this time? Didn't they have any regular Horlicks?

[C]

Oh, yes, but you can carry Horlick's tablets to school with you.

[D]

To school? Really?

[C]

Yes, that's why I bought them for you. Horlick's tablets are just like Horlick's molded nuclear. The same thing, but in tablet form. You love them. I know, dear. Just dissolve one or two in your mouth.

[D]

These taste awful good, Mom.

[C]

I know they do. They're awfully good for you too, dear. When you're at school or out playing, they'll give you nourishment and energy. Keep you from getting too hungry or too tired.

[D]

I'm going to tell all the other kids at school about Horlick's tablets tomorrow. I'll bet they'll want their mothers to buy them some too.

[C]

You can't blame them, can you? And I think their mothers will be glad to buy them too. There isn't anything that helps children develop healthy bodies like Horlick's malted milk, either in tablet or powder form.

[B]

And there's a fine suggestion for all you mothers. Let your children carry a supply of those. Nourishing energy, giving Horlick malted milk tablets to school. You can get them, you know, in either natural or chocolate flavor. The small 10 cent size flask can be conveniently carried in a coat pocket. And the tablets come in larger bottles too. This is Carlton Brickert speaking for Lum and Abner and Horlick, who now bid you all good night. And good. It, Sam.