Lum and Abner 35-01-18 (0025) Lum and Abner Operate Pine Ridge Matrimonial Bureau

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio – "Lum and Abner Operate Pine Ridge Matrimonial Bureau"

Episode Information:

• Title: Lum and Abner 35-01-18 (0025) Lum and Abner Operate Pine Ridge Matrimonial Bureau
• Release Date: June 15, 2025
• Host/Author: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Description: This episode transports listeners to Pine Ridge, where the beloved duo Lum and Abner embark on a new venture—the Pine Ridge Matrimonial Bureau. Set against the backdrop of the Golden Age of Radio, the episode encapsulates humor, heartfelt moments, and the quintessential small-town charm that fans have come to adore.

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Introduction to Pine Ridge Matrimonial Bureau

The episode opens with Lum and Abner enthusiastically expanding their business horizons by launching the Pine Ridge Matrimonial Bureau. The duo is inundated with marriage applications, signaling unexpected success beyond their previous ventures.

Notable Quote:

• Lum (02:44): “Listen, body, do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife, provide for her through sickness and health, and forsaking all others to love, honor, and obey her as long as you both shall live?”

The Wedding Ceremony

Lum and Abner are seen conducting a wedding, highlighting Lum's role as the justice of the peace. The ceremony is both comical and endearing, showcasing Lum's dedication and the humorous dynamics between the friends.

Notable Quotes:

• Lum (03:00): “I do.”
• Lum (03:20): “By the power vested in me as justice of the peace of Groverleaf Township, I now pronounce you man and wife.”

Financial Struggles and Legal Troubles

Amidst their newfound success, Lum and Abner face financial strain due to a lawsuit filed by Squire Skimp demanding $4,200. This legal predicament threatens their business and personal lives, adding tension to the narrative.

Notable Interaction:

• Abner (05:04): “You mean you ain't told her that we sold out to Square Stamps?”
• Lum (05:12): “She ought to understand that you just ain't got the money to send it.”

Confrontation with Squire Skimp

Squire Skimp approaches Lum and Abner with a proposition to become a third partner in their matrimonial agency. In exchange, he offers to withdraw his lawsuit. Lum and Abner, wary of Squire's intentions and past dealings, initially reject his offer, emphasizing their distrust.

Notable Quote:

• Squire Skimp (07:18): “I've been thinking right smart about this thing ever since I heard about you going into it. Now, just to be honest, you fellas have got something there, but you don't know nothing about a business this time.”

Lum's Response:

• Lum (07:30): “Wouldn't it us take you in as a third partner when you've got everything we own tied up with taxman papers and lawsuing us here for $4200?”

Resolution and Legal Strategy

After the confrontation, Lum realizes that Squire Skimp inadvertently possesses a critical document—the dream signed under the assumption of full obligations—which could potentially nullify the lawsuit. This discovery provides Lum and Abner with a strategic advantage.

Notable Revelation:

• Lum (11:32): “Now, I had this coat on the day I made the deal. The day I sold the oil business. Well, no wonder I couldn't find it. I was looking in the wrong coat.”

Closing Thoughts and Future Plans

With the newfound evidence, Lum and Abner contemplate the best course of action to resolve their legal issues. They plan to reassess Squire Skimp's proposition after the wedding, indicating a cautious yet hopeful outlook for their business and personal lives.

Notable Quote:

• Abner (09:18): “Yeah, never thought about that.”

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Themes and Insights

1. Friendship and Trust: Lum and Abner's relationship showcases unwavering friendship and mutual support, even in the face of financial and legal challenges.

2. Small-Town Charm and Humor: The episode is infused with the quaint humor and simplicity characteristic of small-town life, making the characters relatable and endearing.

3. Resilience and Ingenuity: Facing adversity, Lum and Abner demonstrate resilience and resourcefulness, embodying the entrepreneurial spirit essential for overcoming obstacles.

4. Conflict and Resolution: The tension with Squire Skimp introduces conflict, which is thoughtfully navigated, highlighting the importance of integrity and strategic thinking in resolving disputes.

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Conclusion

"Lum and Abner Operate Pine Ridge Matrimonial Bureau" is a quintessential episode that blends humor, heartfelt moments, and relatable struggles. Through Lum and Abner's endeavors, listeners are reminded of the enduring values of friendship, resilience, and the charm of small-town life. The episode not only entertains but also imparts valuable lessons on handling business challenges and maintaining personal integrity amidst adversity.

Notable Quote to Conclude:

• Lum (10:16): “And had that thing on since that day it was so low around.”

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This detailed summary captures the essence of the episode, highlighting key plot points, character interactions, and underlying themes, enriched with notable quotes and timestamps for an immersive understanding.

Transcript

[Alex]

Use of flavored tobacco by teens is a crisis. Tobacco companies use flavors like cotton candy, watermelon ice and cool mint to hook kids like me. They seem harmless, but they aren't. Addiction to nicotine sets us up for a lifetime of health problems. Organ legislators can do something about it. Passing Senate Bill 702A will keep flavored tobacco away from kids. But there are just a few short weeks left for lawmakers to act. Take action to protect kids like me at flavors.

[Jordan]

Hookoregonkids.org paid for by the Campaign for Tobacco Free Kids Action Fund.

[Carlton Brickert]

Howdy, everybody. Here we are all ready to take you down to Pine Ridge for another visit with Lum and Abner, brought to you by the makers of Horlick, the original malted milk. When in the midst of a busy day at your work or in your home, a heavy luncheon may cause you distress or leave you feeling drowsy because it's so hard to digest. That's why more and more people are turning to the Horlick Luncheon. A glass full of Horlicks is a refreshing and nourishing luncheon. Energy giving, sustaining too. And you couldn't find the food more easily digestible. That's why Horlicks at noon keeps you alert mentally and physically. Why busy people prefer Horlicks to the heavier, hard to digest luncheon. Overweight people will find the Horlick Luncheon a fine reducing plan, for it's without the heavier meals, excess of calories. Try the Horlick luncheon tomorrow. You can get Horlick, you know, in either natural or chocolate flavor at your drugstore. And now let's get ready for Lum and Abner. Well, the Pine Ridge Matrimonial Bureau is proving even more successful than Lum and Abner had hoped for. The old fellows are receiving hundreds of applications, and their only worry now seems to be the suit that Square Skimp has brought against them for $4,200, which is scheduled to come up next week. As we look in on Pine Ridge today, we find Lumon Abner over at Lum's house, which they are using as headquarters for their new enterprise. Lum seems to be very busy.

[Lum]

Listen, body, do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife, provide for her through sickness and health, and forsaking all others to love, honor and obey her as long as you both shall live?

[Abner]

I do.

[Lum]

You will now join. Right hand or left hand. Disguin hand. By the power invested in me as justice of the peace of Groverleaf Township, I Now pronounce you man and wife. And now my young friends, as you go out into life to grasp skirts of happy chance, May your stream of life unruffled run and the roses bloom without a thorn par. Yes.

[Abner]

Hey, dog, you're sure aiming on putting on all the trimmings on this wedding, ain't you now?

[Lum]

Well, I feel sort of responsible for this wedding. I the one that agged them into getting hit.

[Abner]

Yeah, I recollect when you called them up on the phone the other day and was telling them what a good match they made.

[Lum]

Well, Ruth just never had nerve enough to ask her. They'd have been married long.

[Abner]

Yeah. Oh, well now, do you want to go through it again now, Long?

[Lum]

No, I believe I know it by heart. Now I've got to start getting dressed up. It's supposed to be over here at 4:00.

[Abner]

Oh yeah, you want to change clothes, huh?

[Lum]

Well, I just slip on her neck, collar and tie and put on my croctail. Cool. Yeah, I don't mind to put myself a little bother when I'm getting $5 this away.

[Abner]

Well, I thought you told Roof on the phone the other day she'd make him a special price of two dollars and a half.

[Lum]

Well, I did, but like I told him this morning, that's just for the regular cut and dried ceremony. For $5 I could give him a first class wedding with all the trimming.

[Abner]

Yeah, that'll be the first cash money that we've took in a long time, won't it?

[Lum]

We?

[Abner]

Well, we're gonna partner this matrimonial fuel with us.

[Lum]

Yeah, but this ain't got nothing to do with our matrimonial business. This is sort of a sideline with me. This is justice of the season.

[Abner]

Yeah, well, I wish we start getting some money then pretty soon so that I can send for Elizabeth and Pearl. I got a hearing from Elizabeth this morning. Just raising the roof. Cause I hadn't sent her money for.

[Lum]

Her and Pearl to come home on another land.

[Abner]

Yeah, she said her relations is getting tired of feeding them. That's what she said.

[Lum]

Well, she ought to understand that you just ain't got the money to send it.

[Abner]

Well, trouble of it is, Long, I ain't told her that the. Oh, well, weren't all. Well, she thinks we're still there.

[Lum]

You mean you ain't told her that we sold out to Square Stamps?

[Abner]

No, no, I ain't told her nothing about it. I. I just never wanted to run a sip for her.

[Lum]

Well, lord me, Edna, when she gets home. And finds out that we've lost the store and never made no money out of the oil business. On top of everything else, that Squire Skimps are suing us for $4,200. He's got everything we own tied up with taxman papers. He's going hiring a tank.

[Abner]

Yeah, I know, and I don't care. I just don't know what to do about it, Hartley.

[Lum]

And you're a great one to be the head of the domestic problem department of our Metromotor when you can't even run your own home.

[Abner]

Well, what would you do about it, Normal? I'd rather tell her while she's down there, so far away that she can't throw nothing at me. But I'm afeared. If I do tell her, she'll just stay down there in Texas, not come home.

[Lum]

Yeah, I wouldn't want to advise you on that problem, just all fan. Mr. Peabody. If you write your troubles to the Pine Ridge Matrimonial Bureau, I'll be glad to study the situation over and that. Oh, my goodness. There's somebody at the door.

[Abner]

Well, it ain't time for the wedding yet, is it?

[Lum]

Granted, I ain't got a collar on yet. Come in. You folks will just have to wait. Well, come in, Squire.

[Squire Skimp]

How are you gentlemen today?

[Lum]

All right, I reckon.

[Abner]

We thought you were a couple wanting to get married, Squire.

[Lum]

Yeah.

[Squire Skimp]

No, just dropped over to talk to you gentlemen a little.

[Lum]

Well, I ain't got time to talk with you, Squire. What is it you want?

[Squire Skimp]

I've been hearing that you fellas have opened up a mat bureau here in Pine Ridge.

[Lum]

Yeah, the Pine Ridge Matrimonial. I'm the president.

[Squire Skimp]

Well, sir, me. That was a mighty good idea. A mighty good idea. Can't understand why I never thought of it myself. Oh, you fellas stand to make a lot of money out of that if it's handled right.

[Lum]

Well, now, they ain't no use to beat around the bush choir. What are you leading up to?

[Squire Skimp]

Well, just to come right out with it, Mama. I been thinking right smart about this thing ever since I heard about you going into it. Now, just to be honest, you fellas have got something there, but you don't know nothing about a business this time. Why, myself, I'm a natural born promoter. That's been my life work.

[Lum]

Yeah, no, later.

[Squire Skimp]

I was just thinking, sort of on account of us being sick, old friend, that I might come in as a third partner in this thing and sort of help you fellas out.

[Lum]

Well, now, that'd be a Fine. Howdy do. Wouldn't it us take you in as a third partner when you've got everything we own tied up with taxman papers and lawsuing us here for $4200?

[Squire Skimp]

Well, now, Lum, as far as the lawsuit goes. Well, now, that can be handled.

[Abner]

Yeah. What do you mean, it can be handled?

[Lum]

Yeah.

[Squire Skimp]

Well, I was just thinking. Now, that suit is set to come up next week. But if you gentlemen want to give me a third interest in this matrimonial agency here, why, I'll just call the suit off. Just withdraw it.

[Lum]

Well, now, here, let me tell you something, squire. Me and Abner put confidence in you before. Time and again you've come to us and told us, on account of us being such old friends, you'd do this or that for us. Now, we've had all the dealings with you we ever want to have. I wouldn't even swap nickels with you. Now, if you want to call a suit off, all right. But as far as being a third partner in this matrimonial bureau, I wouldn't be associated with you in no kind of business. I don't like to be unhospital to nobody. But the quicker you can get out of my house, the better it'll toot me.

[Squire Skimp]

Well, all right, Lum, if that's the way you feel about it. But I'm warning you right now, don't come around wanting any sympathy. When I get that judgment for $4,200 and go to foreclosing on your property. Good day, gentlemen.

[Abner]

I believe he made a mistake there along, talking to him that way.

[Lum]

You mean you want him for a third party?

[Abner]

Well, no. No. But that looks like a pretty good way to get out of having that lawsuit if he does win it. Why, it's gonna be awful hard for us to lose our home special. Me with Elizabeth and Pearl.

[Lum]

Yeah, never thought about that. I might have sort of flew off my handle. I just wished I knowed one thing.

[Abner]

What?

[Lum]

That where that dream is that he signed assuming all the obligations of the oil business. If we had that to produce in court, he wouldn't stand a chance in the world winning that seed.

[Abner]

Yeah, but if he ain't got it now, man, it's a chance for him to lose, neither.

[Lum]

Yeah. I've got to get dressed now before these folks get there. After the wedding, me and you can sit down and talk this thing all over here. And if we decide it's best to let him in with us on this matrimonial bureau, we can go over There and take him up on his proposition.

[Abner]

Yeah, Well, I believe it's a thing to do. As bad as I hate to have any more dealings with him.

[Lum]

I can always take a wet rag and sort of sponge this collar off. Really need a new one, this settle. Always turning sort of yellow. Get my frock tail pulled off in the wall there. Actually chipped up with them newspaper.

[Abner]

Yeah, yeah, I'll see it.

[Lum]

And had that thing on since that day it was so low around.

[Dorothy]

No.

[Abner]

Well, you were sure dressed up that day, I'll tell you that.

[Lum]

That was a good deal I made that day, too. Do say so myself. Smartest thing I done was making squire sign that green entry where if anything happened to the oil well, he wouldn't have no comeback on us.

[Abner]

Yeah, and if you hadn't lost it.

[Lum]

Well, it wasn't my fault, Abner. I pinned it right in my.

[Abner]

Oh, I know, I know. I ain't blaming you. No, not at all. Here. Here, flip this on. I'll help you try it on for size.

[Lum]

Much bad. Add a look.

[Abner]

All right.

[Lum]

Why wondered. I always feel sort of importance when I get this out, too. Of course, that's the wedding ceremony I wrote out.

[Abner]

Oh.

[Lum]

Oh, yeah. I think I better slip that in my inside coat pocket. So if I do forget, I can sort of take it out and glance at it.

[Abner]

Be ashamed if he wants to get about half married and forget what else he's going to say.

[Lum]

Yeah, I never will forget when I first started just as a feast. It was a young couple come to me to get married and.

[Abner]

Come to you to get married and hot Granny.

[Squire Skimp]

Looky there, already.

[Lum]

Sure, I recollect. Now, why didn't I think of that? Yeah, I had this coat on the day I made the deal. The day I sold the oil business. Well, no wonder I couldn't find it. I was looking in the wrong Cool.

[Abner]

What are you talking about?

[Lum]

Dream is it, Squire? Skimp sign? Here it is, right here. It's been in his pocket all the time and I never once thought about having it.

[Carlton Brickert]

Well, with this important paper back in their possession, the old fellow should have no worries as to the outcome of the lawsuit. And now, ladies and gentlemen, let's pay a little visit to the Stevens home. Mr. Stevens is just returning from her shopping and we find her talking to her little daughter.

[Mrs. Stevens]

I bought you a present, Dorothy.

[Dorothy]

Mine.

[Mrs. Stevens]

You just wait and see. It's in one of those big packages. We'll open it up in a minute. Here, you hold this while I take off this coat.

[Dorothy]

Oh, let's Open my tray first. Come on, Mom. You can take your coat off in just a minute.

[Abner]

All right.

[Lum]

Here.

[Dorothy]

Here.

[Mrs. Stevens]

You better let me open that. You have everything all over the floor.

[Dorothy]

Oh, let me open it, Mom.

[Mrs. Stevens]

Oh, all right. Careful.

[Dorothy]

I will be there. Now, see, I didn't spill anything.

[Mrs. Stevens]

There's your present. That large glass bottle there. Those are Horlick malted milk tablets.

[Dorothy]

Oh, thanks, Mom. Have you just like Horlick's malted milk. Why did you buy me tablets this time? Didn't they have any regular Horix?

[Mrs. Stevens]

Oh, yes. But you can carry Horlick's tablets to school this year.

[Dorothy]

To school? Really?

[Mrs. Stevens]

Yes, that's why I bought them for you. Horlick's tablets are just like Horlick's molten milk skillet. The same thing, but in tablet form. You love them. I know. Here, just dissolve one or two in your mouth.

[Dorothy]

These taste awful good, Mom.

[Mrs. Stevens]

I know they do. They're awfully good for you too, dear. When you're at school or off playing, they'll give you nourishment and energy. Keep you from getting too hungry or too tired.

[Dorothy]

I'm going to tell all the other kids at school about Horlick's tablets tomorrow. I'll bet they'll want their mothers to buy them some too.

[Mrs. Stevens]

You can't blame them, can you? And I think their mothers will be glad to buy them too. There isn't anything that helps children develop healthy bodies like Horlick's malted milk, either in tablet or powder form.

[Carlton Brickert]

And there's a fine suggestion for all you mothers. Let your children carry a supply of those nourishing energy. Giving Horlick malted milk tablets to school. You can get them, you know, in either natural or chocolate flavor. The small 10 cent size glass can be conveniently carried in a coat pocket. And the tablets come in larger boxes. This is Carlton Brickert speaking for Lum and Abner and the Horlick who now bid you all good night and good health.

[Jordan]

Nearly 90% of kids who vape say flavors are why they do it.

[Alex]

A lot of the flavors I've heard are like peach, mango, watermelon. It makes it seem like more childlike and innocent. Oh, I tried this once. It won't be that much of a problem. But then eventually it becomes a problem.

[Jordan]

It's time to restrict the sale of flavored tobacco products in Oregon and protect our kids from nicotine addiction. Urge lawmakers to Pass Senate Bill 702A. Take action at flavorshookoregonkids.org paid for by the Campaign for Tobacco Free Kids action fund. Nearly 90% of kids who vape say flavors are why they do it.

[Alex]

If there weren't flavors in these tobacco products, a lot of kids wouldn't get as hooked.

[Jordan]

Urge lawmakers to pass Senate Bill 702A. Learn more at flavorshookoreegoids.org paid for by the Campaign for Tobacco Free Kids Action Fund.