Lum and Abner 35-03-07 (0059) Abner's Decrepit Horse

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio

Episode: Lum and Abner 35-03-07 (0059) "Abner's Decrepit Horse"
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Air Date: August 30, 2025

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Overview

This episode of Harold's Old Time Radio features a classic installment of "Lum and Abner," a cherished comedy from the Golden Age of Radio. The story centers on Abner’s enthusiastic bartering at the "Jot 'Em Down Store" in Pine Ridge, as he acquires a questionable horse from local character Snake Hogan and juggles various odd trades, much to the amusement (and sometimes skepticism) of his friends.

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Key Discussion Points & Plot Highlights

1. Abner’s Bartering Bonanza

[02:55–06:41]

• Setting: Abner has intensified competition by offering to swap store goods for nearly anything, leading to an influx of barter deals.
• Horse Trade Negotiations:
  • Snake Hogan arrives hoping to trade his "likely looking" horse due to hard times.
  • Abner inspects the horse, expressing reservations about the animal's health and temperament.
  • Snake is evasive about the horse’s precise breed and age, but claims it's "full blood something."
  • Initial offers start at $15—Snake insists he wants $75 but rapidly drops his price to $50, eventually accepting a $50 store credit.
• Memorable Exchange:
  • Abner: “I don’t know whether I’d want that critter on the place or not.” [04:36]
  • Snake: “He’s docile as a kitten that animal is. Them children of mine plays with him all the time. He won’t bother nobody.” [04:43]
  • Abner: “Thoroughbred what?”
  • Snake: “Well, I don’t know the different kinds of horses he is, but I know he’s full blood something.” [05:47]

2. The Animals Just Keep on Coming

[06:53–09:59]

• Grandpap Appears with Rabbits:
  • Grandpap tries to make a deal for several rabbits, but the number keeps increasing as their conversation unfolds.
  • They squabble over the price, with Abner offering different rates for the first 20 versus any extras.
  • Comedic moment: The logic of bartering gets increasingly convoluted as Grandpap tries to get the best deal for his ever-multiplying rabbits.
  • Quote:
    • Grandpap: “That’s two bits apiece… Let me get a pencil here. This is getting complinkated. All these figures. I wish now I’d just give you a half a dollar straight.” [09:43]

3. The Aftermath of the Horse Trade

[10:01–12:37]

• Cedric Runs In Distressed:
  • Reports that Snake didn’t take the groceries—he wants a $50 “do bill” for later pickup.
  • Snake’s horse is now lying at the side of the store; both Snake and Cedric have been unable to get it back on its feet.
  • Snake assures there’s "no danger of him running."
  • Quote:
    • Cedric: “The horse laid down out there at the side of the store and he couldn’t get him back on his feet again. He said not to worry, though. There weren’t no danger of him running.” [12:22]
• Abner’s Operations:
  • As Abner continues his trading spree, Grandpap’s wife calls to add more to the growing grocery list.
  • Grandpap now claims to have 11 more rabbits to sell, even as Abner is still processing the last deal.

4. Comedy of Country Character & Barter Logic

• The episode is driven by the comedic misunderstandings and folk logic typical of "Lum and Abner" episodes:
  • Overly sentimental animal trades ("Just like parting with one of the family")
  • Exaggerated claims and counterclaims about animals’ age, temperament, and value.
  • The growing chaos of Abner’s inventory as he accumulates more animals than groceries.

5. Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Snake (on his horse's biting): “I wouldn’t try to open his mouth there, Abner. No, I wouldn’t do that. He’s awful bad about biting. Liable to take an arm right off of you.” [04:21]
• Abner (doubting the deal): “I don’t know whether I’d want that critter on the place or not.” [04:36]
• Grandpap (about animal attachment): “It’s going to be just like parting with members of the family to let them go. ... Folks around here either don’t care much about their families or they think a sight more about the animals around their place than I ever allowed.” [08:17]
• Narrator (summing up Abner’s predicament): “If Abner keeps this up, he’ll trade himself right out of the store business.” [12:37]

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Timestamps of Key Segments

• 02:55: Snake arrives to barter his horse with Abner.
• 04:21: Snake warns not to look inside the horse’s mouth.
• 05:47: Snake claims the horse is “full blood something.”
• 06:41: Deal is struck—$50 in trade for the horse.
• 07:03: Grandpap attempts to sell Abner rabbits.
• 09:43: Argument over the quantity and price of rabbits.
• 10:01: Cedric reports trouble with the horse; do bill for $50 is requested.
• 12:22: Horse can't get up; Snake says not to worry.
• 12:37: Narrator humorously observes Abner's trajectory.

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Conclusion

This episode serves as a warm, humorous snapshot of small-town Americana, poking gentle fun at rural trading, community relationships, and the foibles of honest (and sometimes not-so-honest) barter. The dialogue-driven comedy, exaggerated small-town personalities, and escalating series of trades capture both nostalgia and timeless humor.

Fans of classic radio comedy will appreciate the banter, the “horse of questionable merit,” and the rapid-fire rural logic that makes "Lum and Abner" such an enduring favorite.

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Howdy, everybody. Here, here we are, all ready to take you down to Pine Ridge for another visit with Lum and Abner. Brought to you by the makers of Horlicks, the original malted milk. Before we hear Lum and Abner, I have a message of interest to all you light sleepers. If you don't get sufficient sound, restful sleep at night, maybe it's because you don't get enough exercise. Your body is not as tired as your mind. You've not relaxed. Now, if that's the case and you can't get that extra exercise, here's a tip that'll help you to get the sleep you need. Just drink a glass full of Horlick's malted milk, hot before going to bed. Horlicks relaxes and soothes you. Helps you to fall off to sleep easily and naturally. And what's even more important, Horlicks helps you sleep soundly. To be really beneficial, sleep must be continuous. And that's a good point to remember, isn't it? Try the Horlick's plan yourself tonight. Don't forget a glass full of Horlick's malted milk, hot, just before going to bed. You can get it at your favorite druggist in either natural or chocolate flavor. But remember, it must be Horlicks. And now let's see what's happening down in Pine Ridge. Since Lum and Abner dissolved partnership and divided the stock of the Jotam Down Storm, they have been operating two separate and independent stores under the same roof. Competition is keen and Abner has adopted a plan of swapping merchandise for anything the customer has to trade. Naturally, he's doing a big business. As we look in on Pine Ridge today, we find Abner out in front of the store looking over a horse that Snake Hogan has brought down to trade. Listen.

[C]

Well, it's a likely looking animal all right. Snake. What'd you figure you'd have to have for him?

[D]

Well, he's worth a lot more than I expect to get for him, Peabody. But times have been pretty hard with me this winter and we plumb out anything to eat over there. Else I wouldn't even think of parting with him. It's gonna be just like Partin with one of the family, you know.

[C]

Well, sir, that's what everybody said. It's brung. Anything down here to swap me, Snake all hate to part with em. Looks like I've swapped everybody out of their favorite animals for the last two days. I just hope I don't get attached to em that way.

[D]

Well, make me some kind of an offer on him.

[C]

Well, I don't know. Snake looks like he ought to be worth $15.

[D]

$15? Come on here, Frank.

[C]

Well, hold on now. Wait a minute now. Snake out here. Don't go leading him off yet. I just said he looked like he ought to be worth that much. I never said that I wouldn't give more.

[D]

You just ain't looked this horse over good, Peabody.

[C]

Maybe not.

[D]

Look how broad he is through the chest there.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Stands on the ground there as square as the legs on a cook stove.

[C]

Well, he looks a little weak there in his hind quarters, though. Looks like he might have a little trouble getting up again. He gets down.

[D]

Well, he's a little gad, all right, but I just ain't had the money to feed him this winter like I ought to. No young horse. That a way everybody poured the feed to him, he'd fill right out.

[C]

Yeah. Now let me look at his teeth here. Now, he don't look like no cold.

[D]

I wouldn't try to open his mouth there, Abner. No, I wouldn't do that. He's awful bad about biting. Liable to take an arm right off of you.

[C]

Well, Lo, I can't tell nothing about a horse standing off this way looking at him. He told me not to get around his hind quarters on account of him being so bad about kicking. Now you tell me not to open his mouth cause he might bite. Why, I don't know whether I'd want that critter on the place or not.

[D]

Oh, well, he's gentle, all right. Docile as a kitten that animal is. Them children of mine plays with him all the time. He won't bother nobody.

[C]

Well, I'd hate to have a young unplayin around him. Liable to get that up. How does a body go about putting a bridle on him? Feel so bad about biting that way.

[D]

Oh, well, he don't mind a body getting around his head or putting a bridle on him tall. But he just won't stand for nobody to open his mouth to look at his teeth. Funniest horse about that I ever seen.

[C]

Yeah, that is strange. Yeah. How old did you say he was, Snake?

[D]

Well, I don't know for sure, Peabody, but I don't believe. I don't believe he's Past five.

[C]

Well, tell you what to do, Snake. I'll give you $25 in trade for him.

[D]

Well, Peabody, looks like to me that we ain't going to get together on a trade I had in mind when I come over here not to take a cent less than $75 for him.

[C]

$75?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Doggies. I reckon he's a better horse than I thought he was.

[D]

Why, sure. This is blooded stock. This horse is a thoroughbred.

[C]

Thoroughbred what?

[D]

Well, I don't know the different kinds of horses he is, but I know he's full blood something.

[C]

Ah.

[D]

Tell you what I might do, Peabody, and I'll more than likely hate myself for doing it. I ain't got no use for this horse, and I do need the groceries. Let's see. How might I make you a present of him?

[C]

Well, I hear. I don't want you to do that now. I don't want you to just give him to me.

[D]

Just thinking. I'll let you have him for $50 in trade there in the store. But that's my bottom price.

[C]

You wouldn't take $40 from him, huh?

[D]

Well, I don't think so.

[C]

How about 45?

[D]

45, huh?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

You're talking about the best groceries you got there in the store, ain't you?

[C]

Oh, yeah. Anything I got in there, Lord, you can pick them out yourself. I don't care.

[D]

Well, I oughtn't to take that for him.

[C]

Well, if 50 the best you do, I reckon I'll take him.

[D]

All right. He's yours.

[C]

Well, go. Just lead him on around there back to the store, Snake, and turn him loose in that lot there. Then come on in the store and just pick out what you want. I'm a pretty close trader, ain't I?

[D]

There's you are, Peabody. You oughta been a horse trader.

[C]

Yeah. Well, howdy, Grandpap. What you got there? These are them rabbits I was telling you about yesterday. Howdy, Snakes.

[D]

Hello, Grandpap.

[C]

Just bring them on the store here, Grandpap. We'll get together on some kind of a deal. Yeah, I want to set these things down. My arms are tired of carrying them. Yeah, that's a big craze. I ain't got them all here. Gonna have to make two or three trips. Yeah, and I just now give Snake Hogan a good skinnin. Just now, Grandpa. Oh, did you swap for that horse he's leading off? Yeah. Yeah, he's mine now. Yeah, Snake never kept him long, huh? And he just bought him this deal from them gypsies camp down there on Briar Creek. Oh no, no, Grandpap. This must be another horse. He was saying just now how bad he hated to part with him on account of family likes him so well they couldn't have got that attached to him in just one day. I know where he's talking at. Yeah, Might not be the same animal. You wouldn't have had the one he bought off of them. No way. He never give them a 20. No, I believe it was $10 he gave them for him and then he got stung. Well, I do know and I reckon Snake is just a poor trader. Go ahead in, Grandpa.

[D]

Well, come in, come in. Right over this way. Trade on this side. Howdy, Grandpapa.

[C]

Now don't start calling him over there. Me and grandpap are doing some swapping here. Yeah, I'm swapping after some rabbits. Now just set them down there anywhere Grandpap. I'll get there. Cedric, fix up that big dry goods box after a little and put them in there. Well, I do know. Look at that. Cute little fellers, ain't they? Yeah. Yes. It's going to be just like parting with members of the family to let them go. Now don't start that Grandpap. That's all I've heerd. Folks around here either don't care much about their families or they think a sight more about the animals around their place than I ever allowed. They did one. Well, it's gonna be sort of quiet around the place. Now thout these little fellers, you say this is just part of em? Yeah, yeah. I've got to make two trips more I reckon. Well, how many will they be altogether? Well, they was 32 when I found them a while ago. Why, I thought you said yesterday. There's just 20. Well that was yesterday. They 32 today. Yeah, but here, I bought them yesterday, Grandpap, for a half a dollar apiece. That's $10. Yeah, but they ain't delivered till today. You said you'd take all I had at 50 cents apiece. Yeah, and you said that you just had 20 too. I did just have 20 yesterday, but I've got 32 now, I'm telling you. Well I'll tell you what I'll do, Grandpap. I'll give you 50 cents apiece for 20 of them and then 25 cents apiece for the rest. Regardless of how many it is, take all you got and give you 50 cents for 20 and 25 for the rest of them. 25 cents apiece, huh? Yeah, little UN's in all everything. Take them all. Well now you're getting in Some figures there, Abner. Let's see. That's 20 from 30. Two is 12, ain't it? I don't. Yeah, yeah, 12. That's two bits apiece. Let's see now. Let me get a pencil here. This is getting complinkated. All these figures. I wish. Now, I'd just give you a half a dollar straight.

[D]

Mr. Abner. Mr. Abner.

[C]

Oh, what is it, Cedric? Can't you see I'm busy here?

[D]

Cedric, don't come in here hollering that away, waking folks up. Scare me so bad, I might not roll clean off on the counter.

[C]

What's the matter, Cedric? What is it you want coming in here hollering?

[D]

Snake hogan's out there with some kind of a horse. Says he wants you to give him a do bill again. The store here for $50.

[C]

Ah, do bill, yes.

[D]

He said he wouldn't have time to get the groceries this evening, whatever he's talking about.

[C]

Oh. Oh, yeah, sure. All right. Yeah, I'll give him a receipt for the horse. Let me ride it out here. Yeah.

[D]

What you got there in that box stand pat?

[C]

Just some rabbits. I'm swapping tabs. $50. Little feathers, ain't it?

[D]

Yes, ma. Swan rabbits. Have a time with them. Bad about digging out of places. We'll have a regular zoo out there in the back before long. We got calves and chickens and dogs and turkeys and hogs and guineas.

[C]

Here, Cedric, here it is. And I just take it out there to him and tell him that it's good for $50 worth of groceries anytime that he wants to come after him. I don't care what it is. Now, let's see. Grandpapa. Wait a minute. That was Dora ring.

[D]

I reckon I'll answer the telephone, Abner. Just stay right away from me.

[C]

No, you don't. No, you don't.

[D]

Granny here. Hello? Jot em down store.

[C]

Hello? Is it Abner Peabody talking? Shut up. Abner, huh?

[D]

Yes, mom. He's here now.

[C]

Yeah. Here, grandpa. If your woman wants to talk to her here, just use this phone of mine right there. Anyway. Well, I don't know. Reckon what she's wanting? I don't know, Esther. And see, that's what she's up there for. Hello? Yes, Charity, this is me. Oh, yes. Well, fine. Good company coming. Glad you called. I was just closing a deal with Abner. All right, I'll be home a little while. Some bacon, soda and bluein, huh? Yeah, I'll just take that out when it's ready. All right. Goodbye. Well, abner, I got 11 more rabbits to sell you now. 11 more? You mean just since you left the place? Over our grandpap and come over here.

[D]

Mr. Abner, Snake Hogan said he'd just leave that horse out there to side the store for you.

[C]

At the side? Well, why didn't he take him on around back there and put him in the lot like I told him to?

[D]

Well, he couldn't. The horse laid down out there at the side of the store and he couldn't get him back on his feet again. We've been out there. Both of us have been trying it. He said not to worry, though. There weren't no danger of him running. All right.

[B]

If Abner keeps this up, he'll trade himself right out of the store business. And now, ladies and gentlemen, a final word before we leave Pine Ridge for the night. You know, a lot of us are not as careful as we should be when we go shopping. We are easily persuaded to buy something said to be just as good. Now, that's not always economy. Sometimes, of course, we get bargains, but more often than not, we simply waste money and even endanger our health. Remember that when next you buy malted milk for the sake of your family's health and your purse, ask for Horlicks. You can be sure about Horlicks. Sure that it's pure and wholesome. And I'll tell you why. It's made from only the richest full cream milk and the finest wheat and malted barley, vacuum processed to prevent loss of precious vitamins and minerals. So don't accept cheap substitutes that may be just mechanical mixtures of skim milk, inferior malt powder and a lot of plain, ordinary sugar. Now, this matter of substitution is mighty important to you and your family, so be careful. Always insist on Horlicks when you buy malted milk. You can get it at your favorite druggist's. This is Carlton Brickert speaking for Lum and Abner and Horlicks, who now bid you all good night and good health.

[C]

Sam.

[A]

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