
Lux Radio Theatre - The Bride Came C.O.D.
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Cecil B. DeMille
This is Cecil B. DeMille in Hollywood. It didn't take much detective work to discover the stars that the Army, Navy, Marines and Coast Guard most wanted to hear on these programs. Either one alone would make us very popular with you Tonight Together. Well, what more can I say than Tonight's stars are Bob Hope and Hedy Lamar. Hetty asked me to tell you that she'd like to come in person to every place where you're listening. I said you probably wish the same. But the next best thing to a personal visit from Hetty is tonight's play, which is called the Bride Came C O D. And after the play, you'll hear from both Hetty and Bob Lutz presents Hollywood. The lux radio theater brings you bob hope and hedy lamar in the pride came cod. Ladies and gentlemen, your producer, Mr. Cecil b. Demille. Greetings from Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen. Traditionally, the week between Christmas and New Year's Day is the biggest week in the whole theatrical calendar. So we're doing our best to preserve tradition by ushering out 1941 in a blaze of glory, a blaze kindled by one of the most startling casts in our history, Bob Hope and Hedy Lamar. Some time ago, we decided that the Bride Came Cod had great possibilities for Bob. All that remained was the little matter of finding the right bride. Then one day, we had an inspiration. I called Bob in his dressing room at Paramount and asked him if he'd like to play opposite the lady who had just finished a picture, H.M. fulham, Esquire, over at Metro Goldwyn. Mayor, Ms. Hedy Lamar. There was some confusion at the other end of the phone before Bob replied, sorry, CB We've got a bad connection. Sounded like you said Hedy Lamar. I don't think he really believed it until Hetty walked in the door for rehearsals. But if he still thinks I'm a miracle man, perhaps this is the time to tell him what Hedy Lamar said. When I asked her to be Bob's bride in this play, her answer was Bob Hope. Oh, I think he's Wonderful. Anyway, here they are in the Bride Game Cod, adapted from the Warner Brothers picture. Just take an aviator, an heiress, a kidnapping, a ghost town, an abandoned mine. Mix them enthusiastically, hand the whole concoction to stars like these two, and you've got the Bride Game Cod right there. We have the makings of a hit. Just one thing is missing. The part of the play that an audience contributes, and I assure you, that is a big part. At the DeMille office in Paramount, for instance, we think we have a good picture in Reap the Wild Wind. But no matter how good we think it is, we won't be sure until you see it. That's the true test of a picture or a product like Lux Flakes. We know that Lux is as fine a product as scientific ingenuity has devised. But you are the final judge. And your acceptance is the final test. In pictures, we call that audience reaction. The same expression will do here, too. And of course, audience reaction to Lux Flakes is, well, in a word, a Hollywood word, colossal. Now we'll turn the stage over to the Bride Game Cod, starring Hedy Lamar as Joan Roget and Bob Hope as Steve Collins. When an oil heiress agrees to become the loving bride of an orchestra leader, that's news. And news to an orchestra leader means headlines, publicity and profits. With this rather sordid idea in mind, the orchestra leader of the Club Suzette in Hollywood has picked the most favorable time to make the wedding announcement. The club is jammed to the doors as he waves his baton and signals for a fanfare.
Steve Collins
Ladies and gentlemen, a little announcement. Ladies and gentlemen, today, in this city of Hollywood, as it must to all men, happiness came to yours truly, truly Alan Brice. For tonight, after much pressure, I consented to become a bridegroom. The lucky lady is here. Now I'll have a spotlight thrown on her so you girls can go over and scratch your eyes out. Presenting Ms. Joan Roget. Take a bow, Joan. Thank you, folks.
Cecil B. DeMille
Thank you. Okay, Charlie, take the panto.
Steve Collins
I'll be busy. Well, Joan, like the announcement?
Joan Roget
Alan, it was wonderful, but I'm getting worried.
Cecil B. DeMille
Why?
Joan Roget
My uncle. I really should have told him. What for?
Steve Collins
He'll know soon enough. Hey, there's Tommy Keenan. Hiya, Tommy.
Joan Roget
Hi.
Steve Collins
You've heard of Tommy Keenan, Joan?
Cecil B. DeMille
Newspaperman.
Joan Roget
Oh, yes, I've read your caller, Mr. Keenan.
Steve Collins
Yeah, a lot of people.
Joan Roget
What's the matter, Mr. Keenan? Are you feeling bad?
Steve Collins
Oh, but I will soon. I'm on the air in 15 minutes and not one juicy item. What are you talking about? Didn't you hear my announcement. I am in clover. The girl said yes. My troubles are over. Crowned with success. I know. Hit Parade, 1937. I'm sorry, Bryce, but I can't get excited. You've been engaged to three different girls in the last six weeks. All three were clients of my press agent. This one's different. Yeah. Are you Joan?
Joan Roget
I hope so.
Steve Collins
Look, Tommy, maybe you don't know who Ms. Roget is. I know all about Miss Roget. Niece and sole heir of Lucius K. Winfield. The oil tycoon, having reached the age of reason, is doing her best to spend the old man's money. In short, the biography of a glamour girl. Am I right?
Joan Roget
Ms. Roget, you might add. And I'm having the time of my life.
Steve Collins
Yeah, that isn't news. And being engaged to Bryce isn't any. Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute, huh? You know, this might be news at that. Suppose you elope tonight, Las Vegas.
Joan Roget
Hello? Oh, no, I couldn't.
Steve Collins
Why not?
Cecil B. DeMille
Joan?
Steve Collins
Yes, sure, why not? Think of it. Flying through the night under the stars. Say, wasn't there a lyric? Something like that. Never mind, never mind. Listen, you is cast tonight, and you'll make the fun pages coast to coast. Waiter, get me a phone. Joan, dear, we'll never get married again under such favorable circumstances.
Joan Roget
My uncle's in Chicago on business.
Steve Collins
You'll hear it on my broadcast. Everybody listens to me.
Joan Roget
Well, if you really think we should.
Steve Collins
Darling, with you by my side, dear, neither time nor tide, dear.
Joan Roget
Shut up.
Steve Collins
Operator, this is Tommy Keenan. Get me Air Flights Incorporated, and quick. Hello, Air Flights Incorporated? See Los angeles by plane, $2. And stars, homes, $5.
Cecil B. DeMille
Good evening.
Joan Roget
Who?
Steve Collins
Oh, well, Mr. Collins ain't here just now, Mr. Keenan. He flew over to Pomona to see a movie.
Joan Roget
Huh?
Steve Collins
Party at 3 to Las Vegas and back. Yeah, well, I'm not sure Steve can make it. Okay, Mr. Keenan. I'll tell him as soon as he gets back. Hello? Hello, Steve Collins at NC164 calling Burbank. Steve Collins calling Burbank. Burbank calling Collins. Steve Collins calling Burbank. Burbank calling Steve Collins. Well, I can't think of any reason why we two shouldn't get together.
Joan Roget
Oh, shut up.
Steve Collins
Come on, Gertie, we're home.
Joan Roget
Oh, gee, Steve, it was a wonderful movie. And it was wonderful riding your plane, too.
Steve Collins
Well, it's your last one.
Joan Roget
Why, Steve?
Steve Collins
Well, I ain't gonna take out any girl that I have to chase all over the wings for a kiss.
Joan Roget
Want to kiss me now, Stevie?
Steve Collins
Sure.
Joan Roget
Oh, oh, Stevie, where did you learn to kiss like that?
Steve Collins
Well, every morning I drink a double malt and through a straw.
Joan Roget
Gee, it's awful a swell guy like you has to have a wife and two kids.
Steve Collins
Oh, well, I was so young at the time. But I'm not sorry. They're great kids. Did I ever show you their picture?
Joan Roget
Yeah, every 10 minutes.
Steve Collins
Really? Well, look, I. I want to show it to you right here. Look, here's the boy. He's eight. Hi, old timer. And there's a little girl. Six. Hiya, sweetheart. And there's my wife. Hiya.
Joan Roget
Well, I guess I shouldn't be seeing you again, should I?
Steve Collins
Oh, I guess you shouldn't.
Joan Roget
You'll call for me next Tuesday at the regular time.
Steve Collins
Half an hour earlier.
Joan Roget
I'll be waiting. Goodbye, Stevie. Thanks for the buggy ride.
Steve Collins
So long, Gert. Oh, hi, old timer. Hiya, sweetheart. Steve, I don't like the use of making my wife and kids listen. That reminds me. Haven't you got any new pictures of your kids? I like to keep them up to date. Look, this one shows Junior wearing a Hoover button. Look, Steve, if you don't want to get married, why don't you be honest and tell the dames?
Cecil B. DeMille
You don't?
Steve Collins
Oh, no, it's much easier this way. I don't have to break any campaign promises. Well, why do you have to use my kids? Why don't you just make up two kids? Oh, Peewee, that would be lying. No, I'm making sure.
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Steve Collins
that no girl hooks me till I have a whole fleet of planes of my own. Yeah, well, after 12 o' clock tonight, you won't even have one plane. Hinkle's been here and he's coming back. Hinkle? Yeah, the guy from the friendly finance company. He's going to snatch that plane of yours for back payment. Show him $1,100. Oh, we can't let him do it, Pee Wee. It took me 10 years to get a plane of my own. Yeah, and It'll take just 10 minutes to take it away. Oh, but business is booming. In a few months I'll have enough money to redeem my mother. All I know is he's coming back here at 12 o'.
Joan Roget
Clock.
Steve Collins
It's a great world, isn't it? Turn on the radio, Pee Wee. Get some nice sad music while I go put a slash in my throat. King size. Yeah, it's pretty tough, Steve. Tonight, folks, it is my pleasure to announce one of the biggest scoops that has ever come out of the West. As the culmination of a whirlwind four day courtship. The musical world's most eligible bachelor, Alan Brice, will tonight become a Benedict. His bride will be the beautiful Joan Roget, niece of Lucius K. Winfield, Texas oil tycoon. Holy cats, I forgot. What? That's Keenan. You're supposed to fly the three of them in Las Vegas tonight. The three of who?
Joan Roget
Keenan.
Steve Collins
The bride and the groom. Well, what time? Right after the broadcast. Well, why didn't you say so? I don't know. What about Hinkle? Oh, forget Hinkle. Maybe I can work this trip in anyhow. At least it's a couple of bucks extra. Okay, I'll call Keenan, tell him we're ready anytime. The sooner the better. Right.
Joan Roget
Hello?
Steve Collins
Hello? Air Flights Incorporated. See Los angeles by plane, $2.
Cecil B. DeMille
Who?
Steve Collins
Chicago. Oh, put them on. Hello, who's this? Oh, Mr. Winfield. No, your niece isn't here yet. She. Oh, wait a minute. There's somebody coming in the office now. Come on, Joan, hurry up.
Joan Roget
Alan, come on. Oh, how exciting.
Steve Collins
Excuse me, are you Ms. Roget?
Joan Roget
Yes, I am.
Steve Collins
Well, you want it on the phone? Chicago.
Joan Roget
Oh, Alan, that must be Uncle Lucius.
Steve Collins
Well, speak to him, darling.
Cecil B. DeMille
Here, here, I'll tell him.
Joan Roget
No, Mr. Keenan, I'll do it. Hello? Hello, Uncle Lucius?
Steve Collins
Hello, Joan, is that you?
Joan Roget
Yes, I.
Steve Collins
Listen, I've called every airport in Los Angeles. What's the idea?
Joan Roget
Uncle Lucius, let me explain about you getting married. Oh, please try to understand. I love Alan Brice desperately.
Steve Collins
You must be desperate. I'm not going to have a fortune hunter in my family.
Joan Roget
Alan Brice is not the fortune hunter and I'm going to marry him.
Steve Collins
You are not.
Joan Roget
I'm flying to Las Vegas right now. Goodbye. Aha, that's the girl. Is the plane ready?
Steve Collins
All right. Outside. I'll be right with you.
Joan Roget
Come on.
Steve Collins
Darling, you were marvelous. How s she was? Hello? Hello, operator. We were just talking to Lucius K. Winfield in Chicago. We were cut off. Get him back for me, will you? I'll wait. Steve, what are you doing? Quiet. I've got an idea, Pee Wee. Is the ship okay? Sure, if Hagel don't get him and grab it. Hello? Hello, Mr. Winfield? This is Steve Collins. Who's Steve Collins? When I'm flying your niece to Las Vegas? Mr. Winfield, how would you like me to stop that wedding? Stop it? How can you stop it? Well, leave that to me. I'll deliver your niece to you unmarried, in Omaha by 8 o' clock tomorrow morning. Take a plane and meet me there. What's your price? Well, this is a very unusual case. How much does your niece weigh? About 115 pounds. Well, $10 a pound. That's my standard charge for beef.
Cecil B. DeMille
It's a deal.
Steve Collins
I'll have the money for you. Okay, I'll bring the beef. You'd be there with a potato. See you in Omaha. Come on, Pee Wee. We gotta work fast. Evenin', Collin. Steve, it's Hinkle from the finance company. Oh, hello, Mr. Hinkle. I'm glad to see you. You're glad to see me?
Joan Roget
Why?
Steve Collins
Well, I'm going on a long trip tonight and I'd like to have you give me back a quart of my blood.
Cecil B. DeMille
I'll take the keys to your plane, Colin.
Steve Collins
Mr. Hinkle, you're in luck. I just made a deal with a big shot. I'll be back by 4:00 clock tomorrow afternoon with 1,100 bucks. I suppose you need the plane to go after it. That's right.
Cecil B. DeMille
Yeah. I'm sorry.
Steve Collins
My conscience will be bothering me all night. But the Friendly finance Company wants them keys. Oh, Hinkle, you can't take away that plane. You might as well take my right ar. If we'd loaned your money on it, we'd take that tow. Give me the key to the plane. Try and get it. You don't want me to use force, do you?
Cecil B. DeMille
Yeah, okay.
Steve Collins
Let him have it, Steve. Why, I'll show you, you financial rat. I'll knock your.
Joan Roget
Oh, Steve.
Steve Collins
What's the matter? Just let me know when the blackout is over.
Cecil B. DeMille
Now, where's the key to the plane?
Steve Collins
Come on, where is it? Right up there, Mr. Hinkle.
Joan Roget
Up where? There.
Steve Collins
That'll hold you, Hinkle. Come on, Steve. Wake up, fella. Steve. Come on, Steve. Wake up. Wake up. Just ten More minutes, Mom. I won't be late for school. Steve, open your eyes. What happened? Where's Hinkle? He's over there on the floor. He's out cold. Oh, I'll kill that guy. Drag me over there and I'll hit him again. Hey, Steve, what's the matter with your eye? It looks funny. Yeah, something blue has been added. Listen, Pee Wee, I'm going out to the plane. I'll tell Keenan he's wanted in here on the phone. When he gets here, you go out and call Bryce. Get it? Okay. If Hinkle comes to put him to sleep again. Hurry up, Collins. Let's go. Oh, Mr. Keenan, you want it on the phone? Oh, who in the name of. I'll be right back, Frank. Well, make it snappy in the plane, Ms. Roget.
Joan Roget
Thank you. Hey, let go of my arm.
Steve Collins
Oh, I'm sorry. What's the matter, Joan?
Joan Roget
He pinched me.
Steve Collins
What's the idea, Collins? Oh, I was just trying to guess her weight. You know, poundage is important in a plane.
Joan Roget
Hey, wait.
Steve Collins
Mr. Bryce. Well, Mr. Bryce, Mr. Keenan wants you in the office. It's important.
Cecil B. DeMille
Excuse me, Joan.
Steve Collins
I hope there's no hit.
Joan Roget
Hurry back, Alan.
Steve Collins
Let's go, Pee Wee.
Joan Roget
Go ahead. Hey. Hey. We're moving. Stop.
Steve Collins
Oh, don't get excited. We're not taking off.
Joan Roget
And why. Why is this building moving away from us?
Steve Collins
Oh, that. The FHA is taking it back.
Joan Roget
Stop this plane. Stop. Stop.
Steve Collins
Ouch. Let go of my hair. You want me to crack us up?
Joan Roget
Stop the plane. What do you think you're doing?
Steve Collins
It's very simple. I'm kidnapping you.
Joan Roget
Listen, I don't care what you what?
Steve Collins
You've been kidnapped. Help. Help. Help.
Joan Roget
Do you mind if I sit down here beside you?
Steve Collins
No, help yourself.
Joan Roget
You know, you don't look like a kidnapper.
Steve Collins
Well, this is my first job.
Joan Roget
You have any more?
Steve Collins
Not me. They call me the Solo Kid. Better known as the Bruiser from Azusa.
Joan Roget
I suppose you're taking me to your hideout.
Steve Collins
You said it, babe. I'm taking you to a little place hidden away from the whole world.
Joan Roget
Where's that?
Steve Collins
The Rose Bowl?
Joan Roget
Even for a kidnapper, that's pretty bad. How much are you asking for me?
Steve Collins
Oh, about $1,100, more or less.
Joan Roget
$1,100 for me? Why, it's ridiculous. It's humiliating. A girl of my social standing and heiress. Why, I'm almost a national figure.
Steve Collins
Well, well. Ms. Gin Rummy in 1941. How much do you think you're worth?
Joan Roget
Well, at least 100,000.
Steve Collins
100,000 for you. Who do you think you are, Hedy Lamar? Anyway, I made a bargain and I'm going to stick to it.
Joan Roget
Bargained?
Steve Collins
With whom? I made a deal with your uncle. I'd deliver you to him COD in the Omaha in the morning.
Joan Roget
But why?
Steve Collins
So that you can't marry that Bryce guy.
Joan Roget
I don't believe it. My uncle wouldn't think of doing such a despicable thing.
Steve Collins
He didn't think of it. I did.
Joan Roget
Why, you. You. Shh.
Steve Collins
Careful, careful.
Joan Roget
I can't believe it.
Steve Collins
Believe what?
Joan Roget
That for a mere eleven hundred dollars, you'd come between two people who love each other.
Steve Collins
Well, do you think I want the money for myself?
Joan Roget
Yes.
Steve Collins
Where should we mail the encyclopedia? Honest, though, I'm not thinking of myself at all.
Joan Roget
Look.
Steve Collins
See this picture?
Joan Roget
Our children, are they yours?
Cecil B. DeMille
Mine?
Steve Collins
Well, I like to think of them as their mothers. Hi, old timer. Hi, sweetheart.
Joan Roget
Ah, that's touching. Tell me, Mr. Collins, would you like to do something big, something really beautiful for your children and wife?
Steve Collins
Oh, I sure would. It's time I did something for Clara.
Joan Roget
Well, all you'd have to do is fly me back to Los Angeles now and I'll pay you 20 twice what my uncle's paying you.
Steve Collins
Well, sounds like a good deal, but I couldn't think of it.
Joan Roget
All right, then, I'll give you 3,000. 4,000.
Steve Collins
Nope. I promised your uncle 5,000. Mr. Collins, you'd better get some sleep. We won't be in omaha till morning.
Joan Roget
6000.
Steve Collins
You'll find a blanket in that rear locker.
Joan Roget
Very well. Thank you.
Steve Collins
Don't mention it. Just stretch out on the floor. Ms. Roget. I'll wake you up when we get to Omaha. Good night. I said Good night, Ms. Roget.
Joan Roget
Hey.
Steve Collins
Hey, what's the matter back there?
Joan Roget
Sorry, but I'm not going to Omaha. Mr. Colin. So long. Wait.
Steve Collins
Get away from that door. Don't jump. Omaha's a nice place. Listen, that parachute. You've got it on back.
Joan Roget
Parachute? Jump. All my life I wanted to try a parachute jump. Well, here's my chance.
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Bye.
Steve Collins
Listen, you'll kill yourself.
Joan Roget
Come here. Let me go. Let.
Steve Collins
Sit down there.
Joan Roget
Look out.
Steve Collins
Listen.
Joan Roget
The motor is dying.
Steve Collins
Take that parachute off.
Joan Roget
You want to kill us? We're falling.
Steve Collins
Get away from that door.
Joan Roget
Do something. We're going to crash.
Steve Collins
I'll do something when you give me that parachute.
Joan Roget
We're going to crash.
Steve Collins
Now look what you've done.
Joan Roget
What happened?
Steve Collins
I went into a stall.
Joan Roget
You should have attended to your piloting and let me alone.
Steve Collins
Sure. I should have let you jump.
Joan Roget
Well, why didn't you?
Steve Collins
Because you got the parachute on backwards.
Joan Roget
Backwards?
Steve Collins
Yes, backwards. You can't reach the rip cord.
Joan Roget
Oh, oh, oh, yeah.
Steve Collins
Come on, get out.
Joan Roget
I'm a little faint.
Steve Collins
You ought to be. Look what you did to my plane. And I don't even own it yet. Every time I take my hand off the steering wheel, it flies to the finance company by itself.
Joan Roget
Listen, if I could feel sorry for anybody right now, I'd feel sorry for myself.
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Joan Roget
It's sort of dark around here.
Steve Collins
Yes, this indirect lighting never does work. Right. Come on. Here's your blanket.
Joan Roget
What's that for?
Steve Collins
That's your bed for tonight.
Joan Roget
You don't expect me to sleep out here, do you?
Steve Collins
Well, it's all right with me if you want to bunk in the plane, but you'll have to sleep standing in your head.
Joan Roget
Now look, we're in the same boat. You don't have to growl at me all the time.
Steve Collins
What do you expect in a situation like this? Pear shaped tones.
Joan Roget
Would you mind telling me where I can get some water?
Steve Collins
Water? Where are you going to find faucets in the desert?
Joan Roget
A desert or winter desert?
Steve Collins
One of the best. The Calavada. Bigger than Death Valley and further from civilization.
Joan Roget
Just a minute. What's that blanket doing alongside of mine?
Steve Collins
Oh, that's where I'm sleeping tonight.
Joan Roget
I'll thank you to get a room of your own.
Steve Collins
Well that suits me fine. How's it?
Joan Roget
It's still too close. Just keep going till you're out of sight.
Steve Collins
Lady, you took the words right out of my mouth. So long. See you in the morning.
Joan Roget
Mr. Collins. Mr. Collins, what's the matter?
Steve Collins
Oh, help.
Joan Roget
Help.
Steve Collins
All right, all right. Take it easy. Come over here to me.
Joan Roget
Where are you?
Steve Collins
Right here, behind these goose pimples.
Joan Roget
Oh, there's something over that way. Oh, Mr. Collins. What was it?
Steve Collins
It sounded like a wolf.
Joan Roget
A wolf? Oh, hold me close. Wait a minute. There is no wolf in the desert.
Steve Collins
There is now.
Joan Roget
Let me go, please. But I think you better sleep where I can see you.
Steve Collins
Whoever thought a coyote would bring us together? All right, I'll sleep here. But I warn you, I snore bad. Well, they don't call me Chattanooga Choo Choo Collins for nothing. Good night.
Joan Roget
Good night.
Steve Collins
You cold?
Joan Roget
A little. First time I've ever gone to bed with a window so wide open.
Steve Collins
Yeah, I guess one thin blanket isn't much use out here.
Joan Roget
No, two would be fine.
Steve Collins
You're right. Hey, I'll tell you what. I'll toss you. Heads, I get your blanket, tails, you get mine.
Joan Roget
No, thanks. I've seen those double headed coins.
Steve Collins
Just as you like. Night. What is it now?
Joan Roget
I can't sleep.
Steve Collins
Why not?
Joan Roget
No pink pills. I never can get to sleep without them.
Steve Collins
Oh, too bad.
Joan Roget
But I didn't think I'd need them on this trip.
Steve Collins
Look, I'm sorry you can't sleep, but I can. And I will too, if you'll only stop talking.
Joan Roget
Well, you kidnapped me and the least you can do is talk to me when I can't sleep. I think there's something about your style of conversation that may get me drowsy.
Steve Collins
That insult. That insult didn't slip by me. But a good answer did. I'll take it up in the morning.
Joan Roget
Take it up.
Steve Collins
Listen, lady, I know this is a romantic setting and I know how you feel, but please leave me alone.
Joan Roget
Don't get me wrong. All you are to me is a pink pill.
Steve Collins
All right, what do we talk about?
Joan Roget
Well, what about your childhood?
Steve Collins
Oh, I was the average kid. Believed in Santa Claus up to a certain age. Hated school. When I was 15, I started to think about girls. At 17, I found out what they thought about me. From then on, I've been reading Esquire. Just to keep me posted. How about it? Am I boring you?
Joan Roget
Few things. I'm getting drowsy.
Steve Collins
Good.
Joan Roget
Go on. Tell me how you met Clara.
Cecil B. DeMille
Who?
Joan Roget
Clara, your wife.
Steve Collins
Oh, my wife. Well, I met Claire at a strawberry festival. Very romantic. We both broke out together. I took her home and we sat in the parlor. Gee, she was a beautiful girl. The most beautiful girl I ever met. What a figure, what a face she had eyes like Marlene Dietrich, hair like Veronica Lake, a nose like Madeleine Carroll, a chin like Marina Loy and lips like Claudette Colbert. Well, we sat there a while and I kissed her and she kissed me. And I kissed her and she kissed me. Hey.
Joan Roget
What?
Steve Collins
No, I can't sleep.
Cecil B. DeMille
Mr. DeMille returns with Hedy Lamar and Bob Hope in just a moment for act two of the Bride Came Cod and now Libby Collins with some fashion news.
Joan Roget
Thank you, Mr. Roy. One new idea cropping up in the stores nowadays is black lingerie. It's interesting for a change. And of course it luxes just as easily as the white and pastel tones do. You can have a whole lingerie wardrobe of black undies. 90s everything. And here's a hint that's timely. Nowadays it's a real duty to take the best care of everything we have. So remember that Lux is an undie saver. A quick little luck. Sudsing every day not only makes us sure we don't offend. It also keeps lingerie like new much longer.
Cecil B. DeMille
That is a timely hint, Libby, and a true one. Perspiration does two things. It makes us offend. It weakens delicate fabrics. They wear out faster. It's foolish to risk these when new quicklux flakes remove perspiration and soil so quickly and so safely. There's no harmful alkali in New Quick Lux to injure fabrics or fade colors. And with these rich, fast working suds, there's no rubbing. And just notice how much that generous big box will do. Yes, new Quick Lux is thrifty. Now our producer, Mr. DeMille. Act two of the Bride Came Cod. Starring Bob Hope as Steve Collins and Hedy Lamar as Joan Roget.
Steve Collins
Joan Roget kidnapped, socialite, abducted. A thrilling drama was enacted last night when Joan Roget, bound for Las Vegas to wed Alan Bryce, was kidnapped by Steve Collins, Los Angeles pilot and flying instructor. All state police were warned to be on the lookout. Besides the kidnapping charge, Collins is also wanted for stealing an airplane from the Friendly Finance Company.
Cecil B. DeMille
It's dawn of the following day. The first rays of the sun transformed the great Calavera Desert into a fairyland of purple and gold. Beside the disabled plane, Steve Collins and Joan Roget stand spellbound, held breathless by the majesty and beauty of the scene. Joan breaks the long silence.
Joan Roget
I've got a pain in my stomach.
Steve Collins
Must be something you didn't eat. I'M so hungry I could eat a horse.
Joan Roget
Look. What's that over there?
Steve Collins
It's a horse. I take it back.
Joan Roget
It's a lot of buildings. It's a town.
Steve Collins
Oh, it can't be. It must be a mirage.
Joan Roget
It is not. You knew that town was there all the time. And you deliberately kept me out here all night.
Steve Collins
Oh, don't be silly. Why would I want to keep you out all night? Guess. Now I'm being silly.
Joan Roget
I'm going over and find the sheriff.
Steve Collins
Well, I'll go with you.
Joan Roget
Yes, come along, please. I think you can do a lot to brighten up a Federal.
Steve Collins
Nice sidewalks they have in this town. All they need is a few people to walk on.
Joan Roget
I don't see a soul. Isn't much of a town, is it?
Steve Collins
No, it isn't even much of a ghost town.
Joan Roget
Is that what it is?
Steve Collins
Certainly. Look at those houses. They'd all fall down if the spiderwebs didn't hold them up for the termites. I imagine the last time any living thing set foot here was about 1900. Gosh, a ghost. And laying an egg, too.
Joan Roget
There must be somebody here. Where there's a rooster, there's people.
Steve Collins
You mean, where there's a rooster, there's chickens? Hello, folks.
Joan Roget
There, you see? Hello, mister.
Steve Collins
Step right in here, folks. Welcome to the Palace Hotel. Oh, thanks. I'm Steve Collins and this is Ms. Joan Roget. Well, pleased to meet you. My name's Pop Toliver. What do you have with your eggs, ham or bacon? Bacon, please.
Joan Roget
Ham for me.
Steve Collins
You'll take bacon, too. I don't feel like cutting into a new ham. Say, that's quite a pantry you've got down there. Finest coal cellar in the world. It's an old mine tunnel. Miles of tunnels run right onto this floor.
Joan Roget
What town is this, please?
Steve Collins
Bonanza, it used to be called after the. The old Bonanza mine. How do you want your eggs? Up or over? Up. My stomach will turn them over.
Joan Roget
Over.
Steve Collins
You take yours up, too. I don't want no confusion. Say, well, have a seat. Tell me something. Have you been here ever since the town folded up?
Cecil B. DeMille
Sure have.
Steve Collins
Mine's closed down. Everybody skeduled. About 1910, I owned a hotel, so I stayed. Waiting for another boom.
Cecil B. DeMille
I'm still waiting.
Steve Collins
Well, I didn't think I'd find a Republican way out here.
Joan Roget
How far is it to the nearest town?
Steve Collins
90 miles to Las Vegas and 60 to Tonopah.
Joan Roget
And how often do you drive to town?
Cecil B. DeMille
I don't.
Steve Collins
Fella brings my grub out Once a month. But he ain't due for a couple of weeks. You two heading for Las Vegas to get married?
Joan Roget
Certainly not.
Steve Collins
Oh, darling, let's tell the truth. We had a quarrel, Pop, at Lovers Court.
Joan Roget
We did not.
Steve Collins
Now it was the time to have them spats before you were married. Took me three wives to learn that.
Joan Roget
Listen, Pop. Listen, Pop. I want to tell you something about this man.
Steve Collins
Oh, not now, darling. Don't bother strangers with our little troubles. Let's just kiss and make up.
Joan Roget
Let me alone.
Steve Collins
Oh, come on, Lammy pie. Give Stens a nice little issy kissy. That's the way the Eskimos kiss. Well, if you'll excuse me, Pop, I'll run out and see if I can fix up my plane.
Joan Roget
Pop, don't let him go.
Cecil B. DeMille
He ain't going.
Steve Collins
Sit down, son. I'm sorry, Pop, but. Sit down, son, or I'll feed you full of lead. What are you talking. Hey, don't point that gun at me. What is this? I happen to have a radio set, son. And it happened to say last night that Ms. Roget was kidnapped.
Joan Roget
And he's the kidnapper, Pop.
Steve Collins
I guess that when he come in. Got a criminal face, that man. Just a minute. Don't look at my nose when you say that. Let's go, son. Go where? I'm putting you in the lockup. Oh, yeah? Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going out and work on that plane. My trigger fingers itching, son. Oh, you can't scare me. You haven't got the nerve to shoot me. Stay away from that door, son. Listen, nobody tells Steve Collins what to do. But in your case, I'll make an exception next time, son.
Joan Roget
I won't miss.
Steve Collins
Now get along to that lockup. This here radio is kind of old fashioned now, I guess. Well, sit down, Ms. Rochette. Dinner's ready.
Joan Roget
Grandpa, do you suppose that plane that passed over here today saw us?
Steve Collins
You've been asking me that all afternoon. Noon. I don't know.
Joan Roget
Here.
Steve Collins
Here's something special for you.
Joan Roget
What is it?
Steve Collins
45 year old sherry. Last time I opened it was in 1919 when I drank a toast.
Cecil B. DeMille
Prohibition.
Joan Roget
Thanks.
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Steve Collins
Joan Roget, oil heiress, is alive and safe in a nameless ghost town on the Calabada desert. Less than two hours ago, the girl was sighted by an airliner. When the girl flashed a distress signal skyward with a mirror, a red plane was also.
Joan Roget
Oh, we're thinking through that mirror.
Steve Collins
Ms. Roget was first believed to have been kidnapped, but later it was learned that her wealthy uncle had authorized her abduction in order to prevent her elopement to Alan Bright's home.
Joan Roget
What's the matter? Why did you turn it off, Pop?
Steve Collins
Kidnapped, huh? Give me that sherry. I'm gonna pour it back in the bottle.
Joan Roget
What for?
Steve Collins
Then I'm gonna let that feller out of that hooshkow.
Joan Roget
No, Pop. He's a criminal type. You said so yourself.
Steve Collins
And he's getting out now. Come on, Open up. Open the door.
Joan Roget
What do you want?
Steve Collins
Well, the plane's all fixed. Are you ready?
Joan Roget
Ready for what?
Steve Collins
To go with me.
Joan Roget
I'm not going anyplace with you.
Steve Collins
Oh, yes, you are.
Joan Roget
Oh, no, I'm not.
Steve Collins
Oh, I see your point. You want me to drag you by the hair, is that it?
Joan Roget
You tried, brother, and you'll have a fight on your hands.
Steve Collins
Okay. I never lost a decision to a woman yet. Come on. Ow.
Joan Roget
I'll show you.
Steve Collins
Now listen. Ow. You kicked me.
Joan Roget
Let me go. Let go. Cut it out. You let me alone.
Steve Collins
Come back here. Come back. Ms. Roche, where are you? Come back here. I just seen her, son. Well, Pop, where is she? Where'd she go? Just run down the mine shaft. Down the mine, eh? Well, gold is where you can find it. Thanks, Pop. Wait. Don't go down there without a light. Go. Run down now. Come along peacefully. Miss Roche. Where are you? Miss Roche?
Joan Roget
Here. What happened?
Steve Collins
You knocked down one of the posts, that's what happened. Are you hurt?
Joan Roget
I don't think so. Are you?
Steve Collins
Not much. Thank heaven for these steel ripped girdles. Have you got a match?
Joan Roget
No. Here's a lighter. Let's get out of here. The dust is choking me.
Steve Collins
Get out of here. That's fine, except that you've blocked up the entrance. What? The entrance. The entrance to the mine. It is blocked up, see? We'll have to find out if these other tunnels have any exits.
Joan Roget
And if they haven't, then we might
Steve Collins
as well each marry a gopher and settle down. You tired?
Joan Roget
Sort of. I'm soaking wet, too.
Steve Collins
Yeah, thanks for carrying me over that puddle. You better sit down and rest while I take a look at this next tunnel.
Joan Roget
You mean the lost tunnel?
Steve Collins
Crying, huh? I had you pegged. I made a bet with myself that you'd be boohooing into your hanky within three hours. Oh, stop it. You must have been up against this sort of thing before. There must have been some crisis at the store club when the waiter brought you the wrong wine or something.
Joan Roget
Why, at a time like this, must you bring up the pot?
Steve Collins
Because I don't think our future's worth talking about.
Joan Roget
Well, isn't there anything we can do?
Steve Collins
You have longer nails than I have. Start digging.
Joan Roget
Where are you going?
Steve Collins
I told you. I'm going to explore this tunnel.
Joan Roget
Don't be long.
Steve Collins
Sit tight. I'll be back as soon as I can. Fine thing, wandering around in a hole in the ground. Every five steps, I smack my head up against the post. One, two, three, four. What's that? A light. Hey, who's there? Who's there? This is Steve Collins. Hi there, Steve.
Joan Roget
This is Pop.
Steve Collins
Oh, keep that light on. It'll be right there. Wait. Are there any more posts down here?
Joan Roget
I don't think so.
Steve Collins
Good. Here I come, Pop. Oh, come to think of it, there is a post right over there. I found it. Hiya, son. How'd you get down here, Pop? Oh, easy. That door over there leads right into my pantry. Well, lead me to that door. I'm starving. What happened to you? Oh, caving back in the entrance. Where's the girl? She's still there. She thinks we're trapped. Maybe you better go get her while I wrestle up something to eat. Oh, better wait a few minutes. It'll be good for, ah, food. Help yourself, son. There's a whole ham there. Make yourself a sandwich. Oh, thanks, Pop. You find the mustard and pickles on the shelf? Mustard and pickles? Hey, what's that? Sounds like an airplane. I'll take a look out of the window. Let me see, Pop. Yeah? That's a Los Angeles sheriff's plane. I've seen it around the airport. What's the sheriff want here? Probably after me for stealing my own ship. Well, I guess this is the finish C What kind of a deal did you make with old man Winfield? Well, I was to deliver Joan to him. Unmarried. Well, then, my boy, you're not licked yet all you got to do is go back and keep her in the mine. It's a sense your uncle will come hot footing it here when he gets here. I'll let you know and you can hand her over and collect the money. Pop, you're a genius. Here, you skedaddle back with some of these ham. Oh, wait. I can't do that. If I bring food, she'll know I found a way out.
Cecil B. DeMille
That's right.
Steve Collins
Quick, Pop, fix me up a couple of sandwiches. I can eat them on the way back to her. There's no use both of us starving. Gee, I'm a rat, Pop. Make that four sandwiches. I may as well be a fat rat.
Joan Roget
Are you sure there was no way out of that tunnel?
Steve Collins
That's right, Ms. Roget. I explored every inch of it. The only thing I found was a pile of bones and a note that said goodbye. Tell the Good Humor Company I did my best,
Joan Roget
but what are we going to do?
Steve Collins
Well, I guess we'll just have to sit here and pass the time of day until they dig us out.
Joan Roget
You needn't pretend. I know, child. I know as well as you do that nobody will dig us out because nobody knows we're here.
Steve Collins
Did Stanley know where Livingston was?
Joan Roget
You're still making bad jokes. It's kind of you to shield me from the truth, but it isn't necessary.
Steve Collins
Believe me, I'm not shielding you.
Joan Roget
I've always wondered what it would be like to face death. Now I know. We are both going to die of starvation. Yeah.
Steve Collins
Say, what odds will you give me I last longer than you.
Joan Roget
Don't joke, please.
Steve Collins
Okay. Well, guess I'll take a nap. Good night.
Joan Roget
Good night. What was that?
Steve Collins
Oh, sorry.
Joan Roget
Your heat cup. Oh, is that what it was?
Steve Collins
I was dreaming. I was eating a big steak dinner and I started to chew too fast.
Joan Roget
I wish I could dream up a steak dinner. Say, was there a little pickle in your dream?
Steve Collins
Huh? Come to think of it, yes.
Joan Roget
I can even smell that pickle.
Steve Collins
Well, I can explain that. I'm wearing a herringbone suit.
Joan Roget
Tell me, is your whole life passing in front of your eyes?
Cecil B. DeMille
No.
Steve Collins
Why?
Joan Roget
Don't you know at a time like this, it's supposed to. My life is passing in front of my eyes right now. And it's not a very pretty picture. Such a wasted life. Who'll mourn for me outside of my uncle?
Steve Collins
How about this Bryce fellow?
Joan Roget
Oh, I'm not so sure about him. After all, I've only known him four days.
Steve Collins
Four days? What, were you gonna marry him for just to fill out the week.
Joan Roget
You see, that was the sort of life I led. Silly, useless, impulsive. It's different with you.
Steve Collins
Well, why is it different with me? I've got nothing in life. Just a plane that doesn't even belong to me.
Joan Roget
Well, what about your wife and two children? Don't they, Carl?
Steve Collins
Oh, certainly. Hiya, old timer. Hiya, sweetheart. Hiya, Mabel.
Joan Roget
Who's Mabel?
Steve Collins
Mabel, my wife, Mabel.
Joan Roget
I thought you said her name was Kara.
Steve Collins
Oh, which wife did you mean? Of my first or second? You see, Mabel was my first and mother of my children.
Joan Roget
Oh, you've had two wives. Have you had any children by your second wife?
Steve Collins
Sure, two. I didn't want to show any favoritism.
Joan Roget
You know, you don't look like a man who had two wives and four children.
Steve Collins
I hardly believe it myself.
Joan Roget
Gosh, I'm hungry.
Cecil B. DeMille
So am I.
Steve Collins
Oh, excuse me.
Joan Roget
Did you hiccup again?
Steve Collins
Yes. It's just a hangover from that dream.
Joan Roget
Oh, Mr. Collins, would you shake hands with me?
Steve Collins
What for?
Joan Roget
Well, at a time like this, it's wrong to harbor grudges or ill feeling. I want you to know that I forgive you for everything.
Steve Collins
Oh, thank you. I'm sorry I brought you to this.
Joan Roget
And at a time like this, it's wrong to withhold the truth. I'm sorry we got our schedules mixed. I'm sorry I didn't meet you before Clara and Mabel.
Steve Collins
Well, I'm sorry I didn't meet you before Alan. Brice. Say, do you mind if I get a little closer to you? It's getting cold.
Joan Roget
I was just going to ask if I could.
Steve Collins
Joan. Joan, listen. Suppose I were to tell you that I'm not. That I haven't.
Joan Roget
What? Steve.
Steve Collins
Joan, I'm not married. I have no wives. I haven't any children.
Joan Roget
I. I don't.
Steve Collins
Oh, it's just a tactic I've been using on women to keep from getting involved.
Joan Roget
Oh, Steve.
Steve Collins
Well, I'm glad I used it, because now I'm free and ripe and ready to be involved. Involve me, honey.
Joan Roget
Steve, you're a cheap and violent, deceitful liar. Will you kiss me, Steve?
Steve Collins
Will I? Oh, Joan.
Joan Roget
Steve.
Cecil B. DeMille
Huh?
Joan Roget
Kiss me again.
Steve Collins
Wait a minute. So my ears stop flapping. Okay, here we go.
Joan Roget
You liar.
Steve Collins
What's the matter?
Joan Roget
Mustard.
Steve Collins
What?
Joan Roget
Mustard. You've been eating.
Steve Collins
No, that's not mustard. It's just the kind of lipstick I use.
Joan Roget
You know a way out, and it's down that last tunnel.
Steve Collins
Oh, Joan, listen.
Joan Roget
Take me out of here. No.
Steve Collins
Please.
Joan Roget
Then I'll find a way out myself.
Steve Collins
Oh, Joan, come back here. The tunnel's full of post Jones. All right, then, I'll come after you. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
Cecil B. DeMille
We pause now for station identification. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System. After a brief intermission, Mr. DeMille and Hedy Lamar and Bob Hope will return for Act 3 of the Bride Came Cod. And now will you listen a moment and count while you hear? Seven times. Did you count the chimes? Well, that is meant to impress on the women of our audience this fact. Your job of washing dishes is apt to take seven long hours every single week. Seven hours when your hands are in soap and water. Now, isn't it pretty important just what kind of soap you use? You've heard of our famous dishpan hands tests. They've proved how red and rough some soaps make your hands. They prove too, that with new Quick lux hands stay soft, smooth and lovely. Well, you can easily prove this for yourself. And very economically too. Just get a big box of Luxe Flakes tomorrow and try it for washing dishes. It makes more suds ounce for ounce, even in hard water, than any of 10 other well known soaps. More suds. And it's suds that count. Rich, pure suds. The clean in a flash without harmful alkali to roughen and redden your hands. I don't know of a more thrifty way to keep your hands soft and charming. Begin tomorrow using new quick Lux Flakes for dishes. It comes in the same familiar package. Costs you no more. Now Mr. DeMille returns to the microphone. The curtain rises on the third act of the Bride Came Code. A few hours later, Steve has been dug out of the tunnel and is safe and sound in the Palace Hotel. Now the old ghost town is beginning to be reborn. Al Brice and the keyhole reporter Keenan have arrived on the scene. Bringing with them a flock of newspaper men and a justice of the peace. For the first time in 30 years, the palace Hotel is doing a brisk business.
Steve Collins
Now, wait, boys, wait. Quiet. You'll all get your story and you can say you got it straight from Tommy Keenan, okay? Alan Brice and Joan Roget are going to be married right here in Bonanza. And right now. How about it, Alan? You can quote me as saying, I have found my love again. The skies are blue above again how about it, Joan?
Joan Roget
The sooner the better.
Steve Collins
Oh, wait a minute. You can't marry this man. You've only known him four days. How do you know he's the right one? The least you can do is weigh yourself and Find out what the back of the card says.
Joan Roget
You keep out of this. Mr. Collins, let's get on with the wedding.
Steve Collins
We've got plenty of witnesses. Yes, before uncle gets here, let's get married. No. Listen, this girl has just been through one horrible experience. She's in no mood for another.
Joan Roget
He's right. I won't get married here.
Steve Collins
What? Why?
Joan Roget
I can't stand this place a minute longer. It has too many unpleasant memories for me.
Steve Collins
But darling, we brought the justice all the way from Las Vegas. Oh, let her make up her own mind.
Joan Roget
It is made up. We're flying to Las Vegas right now and getting married there. I'll get my things ready.
Steve Collins
Oh, wait, you can't do that either. Listen, you shouldn't marry an orchestra leader. Don't forget the hand that rocks the cradle shouldn't do it in boogie woogie rhythm Jones, dear, I brought the justice all the way from Las Vegas.
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Joan Roget
Hey, you.
Steve Collins
Is your name's Chief Collins? Well, always has been. What do you want? I'm Sheriff McGee from Los Angeles. You're under arrest, Collins.
Cecil B. DeMille
Just slip on these handcuffs. Besides.
Steve Collins
Hold on, Sheriff, have you got a warrant for this man's arrest?
Cecil B. DeMille
I sure have. Read it and weep, brother.
Steve Collins
Even without my glasses, I can tell you can't arrest them with this. And why not? Because it's a California warrant and we're in the state of Nevada. Nevada? Is that outside the Los Angeles city limits? What are you trying to do, make me out of dope? Why didn't you tell me that before? I don't recall your asking me. All right, but I'm sending to Las Vegas for a deputy. We'll get you yet, brother. Hey, fellas, I just heard a flash on the radio. Old man Winfield left Las Vegas half an hour ago. That means he'll be here any minute. Well, love is a wonderful thing, isn't it, Pop? I'm just quoting, of course.
Joan Roget
Too bad.
Steve Collins
See, if something was to keep Joan and Bryce from leaving here till old man Winfield shows up, you'd still collect 1100 bucks, right? Right. And if you had that dough, you could square this larceny wrap, right?
Cecil B. DeMille
Sure, that's right.
Steve Collins
You got an idea, Pop?
Joan Roget
No.
Steve Collins
Oh. Hey, what's this pillow here? Souvenir pillow. I used to sell them in the old days. But it says Bonanza, California.
Cecil B. DeMille
Oh, that's right.
Steve Collins
It is California. Oh, but it can't be California. I haven't seen any slacks yet. Anyway, you told the sheriff it was Nevada. Now, Steve, you wouldn't want to get pinched, would you? I get it. Thanks, Pop. Say, wait. That justice they brought. Where's he from? Las Vegas. Las Vegas, Nevada? Sure. And he doesn't know it's California either. Pop, I think I've got a brilliant idea, and I'd like to know what it's doing in my head. You all ready, dear?
Joan Roget
Yes, Alan.
Steve Collins
Well, the plane's waiting.
Cecil B. DeMille
Let's go, darling.
Steve Collins
All right, boys, we're leaving. Wait. Wait a second. Can I speak to you a minute, Bryce? What do you want now? Well, I just want to congratulate you, that's all.
Joan Roget
You're getting awfully friendly all of a sudden. I smell a rat and I think it's you.
Steve Collins
Well, look, I admit I tried to bust up your wedding, and I'm sorry. I was a cad. Right Now I want to see you two married. I want to see you two married more than anything else. Even more than I want to see Dick Tracy catch the mole.
Cecil B. DeMille
You do?
Steve Collins
I really do. No hard feelings, are there? Congratulations. No, of course not. Thanks a lot. Well, thank you. From saving me, from making a fool of myself. From doing something I would have regretted all my life. Hey, Ms. Roget. I went a little soft back there in the tunnel, but out here in the cold, clear light, I realize that you, too, deserve each other. My one regret is that I can't be in Las Vegas with you for the ceremony. Well, sure would like to have you there. To be your best man. It would be a privilege. Oh, what a story. The man who abducts the girl turns out to be the best man at her wedding. Joan, why don't you get married here?
Joan Roget
I won't hear of it. But, Joan.
Steve Collins
Give me Keenan. Leave Ms. Roget alone. Maybe she can't bear to have me at the wedding. Maybe she doesn't trust herself.
Joan Roget
What do you mean, I don't trust myself?
Steve Collins
Well, you know better than I do what I mean.
Joan Roget
You mean I'm afraid to have you at my wedding. Why? Of all the conceited, insufferable. Me, afraid? Well, I'LL get married here, anywhere, anytime, but 50 of you around.
Steve Collins
Oh, I'm sorry that you. Then you'll get married here, Joan.
Joan Roget
Sure I will. Right now. Let's not waste a minute.
Steve Collins
Ah, a wedding. Say, I love a good wedding. Don't you, Pop? I love him so much he got married three times. Is that so? You must show me the scars sometime. Congratulations again, Bryce. I'll kiss the bride immediately after the ceremony. Is there going to be a wedding after all, may I ask? Well, well. And who lifted a rock? Who is this we have here? I'm Judge Sobler from Las Vegas. I'm going to marry the couple. Well, there couldn't have been a better choice. No, thank you, Sobler. I seem to know you. Didn't I meet you under a pinball machine in Las Vegas? Oh, I'm afraid not. Sobler. Sobler. Very familiar. Tell me, have you any relatives in Scranton?
Joan Roget
Scranton?
Steve Collins
Let me see.
Joan Roget
What is this? Are you trying to stall or something?
Steve Collins
Come on, come on, let's go on with the wedding. By all means. Oh, wait, wait. We've got to have flowers. Pop, I'd like to see a few flowers here. Well, we have cactus all year round. Oh, really? The bride wore cactus and gave her husband the needle. That'll be nice.
Joan Roget
Listen, are you trying to make a farce out of my wedding?
Steve Collins
Well, I'm only trying to see that you get married in the style you should be married in. Come on, come on, start the wedding. Okay. What do you say, Judge Sobler? No, I don't believe I have. Have what? Relatives in Scranton. But my sister in law. Oh, for the love of. Let's get on with it. Oh, certainly, certainly. Now, Judge Sobler, will you stand right here, please?
Joan Roget
Here?
Steve Collins
No, over there. I think you look better. Catty corner. Now, Bryce, right here, please, before the judge. And you, Ms. Roget, I'll just steer you over here to Alan's side.
Joan Roget
Say, what is this anyway?
Steve Collins
Well, I'm sorry. It must be force of habit. I used to work in a parking lot. Hey, who's going to give the bride away? I will.
Joan Roget
I don't want you to do anything for me.
Steve Collins
Well, I'm not doing it for you. I do it for any girl who's getting married. That's how I feel about marriage.
Joan Roget
I know how you feel about marriage. You with your two wives and four kids.
Steve Collins
Now please, don't start digging up my past. You haven't got a big enough shovel.
Joan Roget
Who asked you to be master of ceremonies at my wedding?
Steve Collins
Never mind all this. Well, I tried to prevent the wedding, so I'm only trying to make up. Now, listen.
Joan Roget
Nobody asks you to prevent it, and nobody's asking you to unprevent it. You're so anxious to get me married. I'll get married all right. I'll get good and married. And what's more, I'll stay married. Shh.
Steve Collins
If you can't show any respect for me, try to show a little for Judge Sober.
Joan Roget
You can't tell me how to behave. I wouldn't listen to you if you were the last.
Steve Collins
Will you please get. I can't find my book. There it is, right next to your racing form. Hey, look. That's Winfield's plane coming in. Old man Winfield. Oh, Judge. Hurry up with the ceremony. They've got to be married before he gets here. I'm afraid I'll have to recite the ceremony from memory. My wife packed the wrong book. As long as it's legal, go ahead. Let me see now. Oh, yes. Do you, Alan Brice, take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife? I do. Oops. Pardon me. Wishful thinking. I do. Do you, Joan Roget, take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?
Joan Roget
I do.
Steve Collins
Then according to the laws of Nevada, an authority vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife. There's your story, boy. Darling.
Joan Roget
Alan, where's our pilot?
Cecil B. DeMille
Here I am.
Joan Roget
Mrs. Price, will you get the plane ready, please? My husband and I want to fly back to Los Angeles immediately.
Steve Collins
All set, Mrs. Brice. Wait. We'd better get something for those seats. They're pretty hard. Oh, pilot, grab those pillows over there. Pillows? Yes, sir. Oh, listen, why leave? This is such a romantic spot. Why not spend your honeymoon here, just the three of us?
Joan Roget
Oh, get out of my way.
Steve Collins
Oh, but you can't go now. Your uncle will be here any minute.
Joan Roget
Oh, he can be just as mad in Los Angeles as he can here.
Steve Collins
And you're really set on going?
Joan Roget
I certainly am.
Steve Collins
Oh, but you just got married. Do you think it's polite to run away this way? The least you can do is wait till your ring turns green.
Joan Roget
Alan, I think I may have to ask you to knock this man down.
Steve Collins
We've had enough of this business, Collins. Now, cut it out. You might as well tell him, Steve. Well, listen, you two can't go to Los Angeles or any other place together. You're not married. We're not what?
Joan Roget
Pay no attention to him, Alan. It's just another trick.
Steve Collins
Well, tell him, Pop. What state is Bonanza in? California. The ceremony wasn't legal. Sorry, Judge. Sober? No, and not at all.
Joan Roget
This is ridiculous. You have to think up something better than that, Mr. Collins.
Steve Collins
Joan, on my word of honor, the
Joan Roget
less said about your word of honor, the better.
Steve Collins
Why do you think I was willing for you to get married? Why do you think I practically pushed you into getting married? Because I knew it wouldn't be legal. It wouldn't mean anything. Well, we're going to make it mean something. I was just stalling till your uncle got here.
Joan Roget
Alan, dear, I think after we get settled down, you better give up the music business. Uncle could use you in oil.
Steve Collins
Yes, uncle will probably boil you in oil. I wouldn't like to give up my career. Joan. I'll take. After all I've done for music. Well, don't worry. They can always get someone else to tune up Gene Autry's guitar. Between you and me, Bryce, isn't marriage silly?
Joan Roget
Between you and him, it would be. But between him and me, I think it's wonderful. Goodbye, Mr. Collins.
Steve Collins
Oh, no, don't go, Joel. Just a minute. Collins, you say this is California. Certainly their marriage isn't legal. Maybe, but this warrant is. You're under arrest. Darling, what are you crying about?
Joan Roget
Let me alone.
Steve Collins
Darling, I'm just as happy as you are. But I. I happen to have a tighter grip on my.
Joan Roget
Take your hands off me.
Steve Collins
Now, Joan, I understand how it is in one's wedding night. There is a lyric.
Joan Roget
If you throw any more lyrics at me, I'll cram them right down your throat.
Steve Collins
But, darling, I thought you loved my song.
Joan Roget
I hate your songs. I hate your songs almost as much as I hate you.
Steve Collins
Hate me? How is that possible?
Joan Roget
You want to know something? I've hated you from the first moment I've set idols on you.
Steve Collins
What do. You certainly took your time telling me. Darling, let's be sensible. After all, we're married.
Joan Roget
I know it. That's why I hate you. That's why I hate everybody.
Steve Collins
Here, darling, rest your head on this pillow. It'll be more complicated.
Joan Roget
Take that pillow away. I don't want. Wait. Let me see that pillow.
Steve Collins
Joan, please make up your mind.
Joan Roget
Look at this. And the pillow. Souvenir of Bonanza, California. Alan, we are not married.
Steve Collins
Who isn't married?
Joan Roget
We? You and me. Oh, Steve wasn't lying. He only did it because. Pilot, turn back. Turn back to Bonanza, California.
Steve Collins
I don't care who's under arrest or what for. All I want to know is where is my niece? Well, you passed her on the way down. She's With Alan Bryce flying to Los Angeles on their honeymoon.
Joan Roget
Honeymoon?
Steve Collins
You mean to say they're married? Don't get excited. They were married in California territory by a Nevada justice. It isn't legal. Well, as long as they're not married, everything's okay. Yeah, but they think they're married. No fooling. That's a hot one. That's the funniest one. What am I laughing about?
Joan Roget
Steve, I'm back.
Steve Collins
Thank heaven you're here. Joan, listen to me. You're not married.
Joan Roget
Oh, I know I'm not, but I'm going to be. That is, if Steve asks me.
Steve Collins
Oh, wait a minute. You really want to marry me, Fat Rat Collins?
Joan Roget
Yes. Fat?
Steve Collins
This is ridiculous. You don't know this man. He's right, Joan. I wouldn't want you to rush into a thing like this. You've got to be sure. Take your time and think. Take 10 or 20 seconds.
Joan Roget
Steve, let's get married as soon as we can.
Steve Collins
Oh, if that's the way you feel, there's nothing in the world can stop us. We'll be married right now. Don't forget, you're under arrest, Collins. We'll be married right now in the Los Angeles night court. I'll give you a hug in the jug.
Joan Roget
Steve, all the sheriff wants is money. And uncle lucius owes you $10 a pound.
Steve Collins
That's right. If you. If you weigh 110 pounds, I break even. How much do you weigh?
Joan Roget
111.
Steve Collins
Well, that takes care of the sales tax. Pay the man off, Uncius. Very well. The bargain's a bargain. But what have you got to offer my niece? Oh, not a thing, Unc, but I'll work hard. In a year we'll have our own car. And in two years we may get the tires.
Joan Roget
Oh, Steve.
Steve Collins
Then. Then in a few more years. Just a few years.
Joan Roget
What? Steve.
Steve Collins
Hiya, old timer. Hi ya, sweetheart.
Cecil B. DeMille
In just a moment, Mr. Vanille will bring our stars back to the microphone for their curtain poles. Now, here's an astonishing fact that I've learned about those nylon stockings you probably got for Christmas. The yarn used in making sheer 30 denier nylon stockings, yarn so fine that it makes a hair look heavy and coarse, is actually made up of 10 tiny filaments twisted together. And listen to this. A pound of it, if unwound, would measure about 86 miles long. Think of it. Yarn so delicate that 86 miles of it weighs only a pound. Well, you can see how every inch must be perfect and strong, free from weak places if stockings are to wear. And you can see how important it is to treat those precious nylons. Gently wash them in mild suds. Never rub them with cake soap. Never use soaps with harmful alkali. Here's what a recent issue of a bulletin called Defense, published by the government, reported. We soap with free alkali, rots, fibers, phage, colors, end of quotation. New quick Lux flakes have no harmful alkali and they float away perspiration and soil without the dangerous rubbing that's apt to weaken the threads. So when you hear the Lux Radio Theater say luxe stockings every night, you know it's expert advice. And it's thrifty advice, too, for it keeps your precious stockings new looking longer now more than ever. Don't trust to luck. Trust to lux. Now, here's Mr. DeMille with our stars. A producer's heaven must be filled with players like Hedy Lamar and Bob Hope. Step up to the footlights, please.
Steve Collins
Oh, thank you, CB and if we ever get to heaven, we make sure and always wash our wings in Lux. Hetty, would you like to go out with me New Year's Eve?
Joan Roget
No. I'd love to, Bob, whatever your passes for.
Steve Collins
Are you insinuating I'm not generous with my money?
Joan Roget
Well, you didn't tip that usher when he went out to get ice cream.
Steve Collins
Well, I was a little short, and I didn't want to break a defense bond. No? No.
Cecil B. DeMille
So see your banker or post office for defense bonds tomorrow. Thank you, Bob, for that opportunity.
Steve Collins
Oh, a pleasure, C.B. gee, just think. Now I can go back to my program and tell him I made love to Hedy Lamar.
Cecil B. DeMille
I'd rather be down at Metro Goldwyn Mayor and hear Hedy tell about it.
Joan Roget
Did you really enjoy making love to me, Bob?
Steve Collins
Yeah. Now, take me off the chain, CB. It's the first time I ever hugged a girl and had my suit steamed and pressed at the same time.
Cecil B. DeMille
Well, I'll let you in on a secret, Bob. You know, Hetty could have had Clark Gable as our leading man here tonight, but she insisted on you.
Steve Collins
Why, Hetty, you could have had Clark Gable, and you insisted on me. Why?
Joan Roget
Well, these days, everybody's making sacrifices, so I wanted to.
Steve Collins
Didn't need the rest of that. Well, look, I don't like to draw comparisons, but you've played opposite Robert Taylor. How do I compare with him as a romantic star? Well, how do I compare with Clark Gable? How about Charles Boyer? Why don't you answer? I must be a better lover than some actor.
Joan Roget
I know, Bob, but I can't make up My mind. Whether it's Abbot or Costello. What are you going to have next week, Mr. DeMille?
Cecil B. DeMille
One of the finest love stories the theater has ever given us, Hetty. It's smilin through. And our stars will be Jeanette MacDonald, Brian Ahern and Gene Raymond. Smiling through is a great hit on Broadway and on three different occasions it's been a hit motion picture. Our production next Monday night is adapted from the new Metro Goldwyn Mayer Technicolor picture. And we'll have the same stars that you saw on the screen in this vital, emotional drama.
Steve Collins
Oh, that sounds really swell, CB I'm going to listen to it myself if I'm not too busy working. You know, I have to make a living.
Cecil B. DeMille
But, Bob. Bob, I thought you only worked in the daytime on Louisiana Purchase.
Steve Collins
That's right. But I'm also on the night shift at Lockheed. Good night.
Joan Roget
Good night.
Cecil B. DeMille
You two make an ideal couple.
Steve Collins
Night, Benny.
Cecil B. DeMille
This week provides the exit cue for 1941. It's been a year of uncertainty and doubt. But now all that is swept aside. We face the new year resolved upon a brave new world to come. A world where freedom and justice will never again be threatened by tyranny. But we know that it will not come by wishing. We've got to fight for it. So on behalf of our sponsors and our staff, I wish for every one of you the opportunity to work and to fight to make this the happiest new year since the birth of this nation. Our sponsors, the makers of luxury, join me in inviting you to be with us again next Monday night when the Lux Radio Theatre presents Jeanette MacDonald, Brian Ahern and Gene Raymond in smiling through. Mrs. Cecil B. DeMille saying good night to you from Hollywood and wishing you a happy and triumphant new year. Ladies and gentlemen, the editors of Motion Picture Daily have informed us that the luxury Radio Theater has been selected again this year as the leading dramatic program on the air in the annual poll conducted by Motion Picture Daily. All the radio editors throughout the country participated in this poll. And to all of them we say thank you. Bob Hope appeared tonight through the courtesy of the Pepsitan Company and is now seen on the screen in the Paramount Technicolor picture Louisiana Purchase. Teddy Lamar appeared through the courtesy of Metro Goldwyn Mayer. Tune in next Monday night to hear Jeanette McDonald, Brian Ahern and Gene Raymond in Smiling Through. Our music was directed by Lewis Silvers. And your announcer has been Melville Roy. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.
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Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Date: June 30, 2026
Episode: Adaptation of the classic screwball comedy, starring Bob Hope and Hedy Lamarr, with Cecil B. DeMille as host and producer.
This episode of "Lux Radio Theatre," originally aired December 29, 1941, relives the zany romantic comedy "The Bride Came C.O.D." Bob Hope and Hedy Lamarr star as a cash-strapped, wisecracking pilot and a spirited oil heiress who gets swept up in a botched abduction, mistaken identities, a ghost town adventure, and ultimately, true love. Host Cecil B. DeMille provides Hollywood glamor and classic Lux product pitches, while Hope and Lamarr deliver sparkling screwball chemistry and rapid-fire banter.
Bob Hope’s quick-witted asides:
Classic Hollywood Glamour:
Hope & Lamarr’s playful post-show banter:
| Timestamp | Segment Description | |-------------|-------------------------------------------------------| | 00:30 | DeMille introduces Bob Hope and Hedy Lamarr | | 04:54 | The engagement announcement at Club Suzette | | 13:14 | Steve makes a deal with Joan’s uncle | | 15:37 | The "kidnapping" and Joan fights back | | 20:38 | Arrival in the ghost town, encounter with Pop Toliver | | 33:12 | Underground mine sequence/bonding/confession | | 41:02 | Joan and Steve’s first genuine romantic moment | | 44:28 | Wedding farce unfolds with Alan and Joan | | 52:31 | Steve reveals the wedding isn’t legal | | 55:41 | Final reconciliation and real love confession | | 56:35 | Negotiating Joan’s weight for the reward | | 58:58-61:58 | Cast curtain call and post-script banter |
The episode features:
This is a fast-paced, light-hearted romp, perfect for fans of classic screwball comedies, Radio’s Golden Age, or lovers of old-time movie star chemistry. Even without the visuals, Hope’s frenetic charm and Lamarr’s poise shine through, making for a madcap and genuinely funny radio hour.