Lux Radio Theatre - Third Finger Left Hand

Summary

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Harold's Old Time Radio: Lux Radio Theatre – "Third Finger Left Hand"

Date: June 29, 2026

Episode Theme:
A sparkling romantic screwball comedy from the Golden Age of Radio, as the Lux Radio Theatre adapts the 1940 MGM film "Third Finger, Left Hand." Starring Douglas Fairbanks Jr. and Martha Scott, the episode revolves around deception, mistaken identities, and surprise romance. Listeners are transported into a world where business, love, and the perils of a made-up marriage ring collide.

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Main Characters

• Margot Merrick (Martha Scott): Clever and ambitious editor-in-chief of "Smart" magazine, who invents a fake marriage to protect her career.
• Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick (Douglas Fairbanks Jr.): An artist from Ohio who gets entangled in Margot's fabricated web.
• Philip Booth: Margot’s steadfast (and smitten) lawyer-friend.
• Mr. Sherwood: Margot's old-fashioned, butterfly-collecting father.
• Sam: The earnest night-school lawyer/assistant.

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Key Discussion Points & Plot Breakdown

1. Setting the Stage (00:32–02:00)

• Cecil B. DeMille introduces the episode, underlining the bonding power of radio during stressful times, and assures listeners of the merriment ahead.

  "Comedy is something the doctor orders for all of us in times like these." (01:07, DeMille)

2. Margot's Fictional Marriage (04:25–07:45)

• Margot navigates an absurdly hectic magazine office, juggling staff and admirers.
• Her invented husband "Tony Merrick" shields her from both workplace gossip and a jealous publisher’s wife.
• Only her confidant Gussie is in on the truth, and the legal grey area of inventing a spouse is humorously discussed.

  “It isn’t a crime to invent an imaginary husband.” (07:00, Margot)

3. Meet-Cute and Escalation (12:04–18:45)

• Margot accidentally interferes with Jeff’s big art break, leading to a comical confrontation and reluctant partnership.
• Their rapid-fire banter signals mutual attraction, even as Margot brushes off Jeff’s old-fashioned views.
• Jeff: “This may sound old-fashioned, but I like them unsophisticated. And they’re hard to find, too.” (18:07)

4. Margot's Lie Runs Wild (21:16–24:43)

• Jeff is wrongly led to believe Margot is recently and miserably married.
• Their sparring hits a peak as Jeff tries to piece together her story, grilling her with detective-like precision.

  “Because Las Palmas is 913 miles from Rio.” (24:03, Jeff)

5. The Unraveling (28:08–36:43)

• Jeff, suspicious, cables to South America: No record of Tony or the marriage exists.
• He visits Margot’s father, boldly introducing himself as “Tony Merrick”—to Mr. Sherwood’s delight.
• Margot’s world is upended by “Tony’s” (Jeff’s) sudden arrival.

  “You made up a husband, and I’ve given him to you.” (34:16, Jeff)

6. The Forced Roommates (36:43–41:11)

• Humiliation and farce abound as Jeff maintains the ruse at Margot’s home—leading to a night spent awkwardly separated by a rain-soaked porch.

7. The Legal Problem – Getting Unmarried (44:08–47:03)

• Margot, wanting to dissolve the lie, and Jeff are boxed in by legalities: they must actually marry before divorcing.
• Philip, her lawyer and would-be suitor, pushes for a quick legal solution—but Jeff’s heart complicates matters.

  “Because I’m dope enough to be in love with her myself.” (44:39, Jeff)

8. Hasty Marriage, Real Feelings (46:24–50:36)

• Margot and Jeff wed at Niagara Falls, planning to split after.
• A chance meeting with Jeff’s hometown friends leads Margot to deliver a raucously comic midwestern wife impersonation.
• Both reflect on what they’ll miss, masking deeper affection.

9. Resolution: True Love Emerges (53:18–60:12)

• On a train ride for the supposed divorce, comedic legal wrangling (with Sam as Jeff’s “lawyer”) reveals the couple’s affection.
• Margot impishly wires Jeff’s parents that they’re coming home—as a pair.
• The two are triumphantly received in Ohio, at last honest together and publicly as a couple.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Margot on the imaginary Tony:

  “My non-existent husband is my guardian angel and I like it. Being guarded.” (08:30)

• Jeff’s skepticism:

  “You said April a minute ago... If you met him in Rio, and you drove to Las Palmas and got married... You must have driven very fast.” (24:03)

• Margot’s deflection:

  “What right have you got?” (24:08)

• Margot’s fabricated wedding memory:

  “There I was, alone in Rio in April. It was raining. The spring rain turning the pavements blue. Oh, I adore rain.” (09:34)

• Jeff’s confession:

  “Because I’m dope enough to be in love with her myself.” (44:39)

• Comic small town encounter:

  “Course, we ain’t planning to live in Brooklyn. We’re gonna live in Wapakoneta, ain’t we, Stinky?” (49:15, Margot in disguise)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:07] Introduction by Cecil B. DeMille: Radio’s power in tough times.
• [07:45] Margot discusses why she needed a fake husband.
• [14:19] Margot’s accidental sabotage of Jeff’s art appraisal.
• [18:07] Jeff shares what he looks for in a woman.
• [24:03] Jeff deduces holes in Margot’s marriage story.
• [29:07] Jeff presents himself as “Tony Merrick” to Margot’s father.
• [34:16] Confrontation: “You made up a husband, and I've given him to you.”
• [44:39] Jeff admits his feelings: “Because I’m dope enough to be in love with her myself.”
• [46:24] Margot and Jeff’s inadvertent wedding.
• [49:15] Margot’s comic improv in front of Jeff’s friends.
• [58:11] Emotional goodbye on the train.
• [59:31] Margot’s telegram orchestrates the happy ending.
• [60:12] The cast takes a bow and closes the comedy.

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Tone & Highlights

The broadcast sparkles with witty banter, rapid-fire verbal sparring, and screwball comedy devices—mistaken identity, social satire, and a will-they-won’t-they romantic arc. Martha Scott and Douglas Fairbanks Jr. bring palpable chemistry, moving from enemies to lovers amid farcical situations. The script maintains a lively, flirtatious, and often tongue-in-cheek sensibility.

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For New Listeners

This episode showcases everything that made radio’s golden age magical: big Hollywood stars, fast-paced rom-com hijinks, and performances that conjure full Technicolor worlds for the imagination. “Third Finger, Left Hand” is at once a period piece and a timeless romantic farce, combining clever plotting with sharp dialogue and genuine heart.

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End of Summary

Transcript

[Narrator/Geico Advertiser]

We all do it. You have a night for yourself, but don't like the sound of the silence. So you turn on the TV just for the ambiance. It's a little trick that helps you feel like you've got company and aren't alone. And other insurers, well, they may make you feel alone. But when you switch to geico, you've got claims reps available around the clock. So whenever you need, you'll have people around to help. And let's turn on the washing machine just for good measure. Isn't that soothing?

[Geico Supporter]

It feels good to have support. It feels good to Geico.

[Announcer/Narrator]

Lux presents Hollywood. The Lux Radio Theater brings you Douglas Fairbanks Jr. And Martha Scott in third finger, left hand. Ladies and gentlemen, your producer, Mr. Cecil B. DeMille.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

Greetings from Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen. In times of stress in the world, there's more satisfaction than ever in the job of producing plays for the Lux Radio Theater. That's because trouble knits families and nations closer together. And we know that for one hour every week a great family that sprawls across the whole continent turns its ears to this stage. Farmer and businessman, shipbuilder and aircraft worker, soldier and sailor. Mother and dad. All of you who lend us your ears. Our job is to make you laugh. To stir you with drama. And bring us all together in a spirit of friendship and goodwill. Tonight we have a gay comedy. And comedy is something the doctor orders for all of us in times like these. And it's doubly welcome when our stars are such charming and talented players as Douglas Fairbanks Jr. And Martha Scott. The play is third finger, left hand. Those words may suggest the place where the gentleman always puts the ladies wedding ring. But don't let the title of this Metro Goldwyn mare hit fool you. In this romantic comedy, Martha Scott puts the ring on her own third finger, left hand. Then makes up an imaginary husband. And when the debonair Mr. Fairbanks turns up claiming to be the husband. The situation is a bit too much for Martha. Even though she is the smartest businesswoman in town. They say it's only the married women who know how to mix business and romance. Because it takes intelligent buying to run a happy home, just as it does to run a business. And one of the keys to that secret is Lux toilet soap. My grandmother down in Washington, North Carolina, once told me that during the War between the States, she had to make her own soap. She said it was hard work and the finished product wasn't anything to get excited about. But perhaps women in those days didn't really know what good soap was. In fact, if I could have shown my grandmother a cake of Lux soap and told her how little it cost, Grandma would probably have fixed me with a reproving stare and suggested that I tell that one to the Yankees. Lux Toilet Soap would have been a miracle then. And perhaps it still is. When Bill Powell and Myrna Loy were overtaken by a touch of flu last week, we canvassed Hollywood to find the stars who were best fitted for the leading parts in Third Finger, Left Hand. Our first choices were Douglas Fairbanks Jr. And Martha Scott. And fate was very kind because they were both available. Now we raise the curtain on the first act of Third Finger, Left Hand, starring Douglas Fairbanks Jr. As Jeff Thompson and Martha Scott as Margot Merrick. Smart, the magazine for the Smart woman, is exactly what its title indicates. And smart is the word for its business office, a modern panorama of black leather chairs and chromium fixtures. Smart is also the adjective for its editor in chief, Mrs. Margot Merrick. But you'll have to add, very young, very pretty and very wise. And to be accurate, at the moment, very busy.

[Geico Supporter]

Now, please, Mrs. Merrick, about this layout, please.

[Philip Booth]

Now, about this.

[Geico Supporter]

Please, please.

[Margot Merrick]

I'll take you one at a time. Hello? Oh, hello, Philip. Yes, I'll have time in a minute. Come on in.

[Geico Supporter]

Mrs. Merrick. This border.

[Margot Merrick]

Steve, you're a wonderful printer, and I know it's spring, but put the Forget Me not borders on some other magazine. Try them on the editor of the Mining engineers monthly.

[Geico Supporter]

But, Mrs. Merrick.

[Margot Merrick]

Martin, I want you to wire Chicago and Hull publication one day.

[Sam (Lawyer/Assistant)]

But we can't.

[Margot Merrick]

Hello? Yes, yes, send it in. I'll okay it.

[Geico Supporter]

Look, Mrs. Merrick, a day's delay means

[Margot Merrick]

I show the spring collections a month ahead of the other magazines. Well, that's no trick for a clever executive like you, Martin. You'll work it out, I'm sure.

[Geico Supporter]

Yes, Mrs. Merrick, of course.

[Margot Merrick]

Now, everybody outside, please. I'll see you all later. Mrs. Merrick. Yes, Jane? Mr. Booth is here. Oh, send him in. Come in, Philip.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Hello, Margot.

[Margot Merrick]

Sit down. Sorry to keep you waiting, Philip. I'm really up to my ears today.

[Philip Booth]

Oh, that's all right. I never mind waiting for you.

[Margot Merrick]

Oh, did you bring the copyright waivers, Philip?

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Right here.

[Philip Booth]

Two. Two copies for you and two for the author.

[Margot Merrick]

Leave them and I'll check them over tonight.

[Philip Booth]

Oh, Margaret. Are you giving me the rush?

[Margot Merrick]

Philip, of course not. Come in.

[Geico Supporter]

Mrs. Merrick, I.

[Margot Merrick]

Yes, Merton?

[Geico Supporter]

Mrs. Merrick. On. On behalf of the staff, we.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

We wanted to.

[Spanish Advertiser / Lowe's Advertiser]

I mean.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Well, this is Your first wedding anniversary.

[Geico Supporter]

And we. We got you a desk clock.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

And here it is, and I hope you like it.

[Philip Booth]

Happy anniversary.

[Margot Merrick]

Thank you, Merton. That was sweet of them, wasn't it?

[Philip Booth]

Yes. Now, Margot, now that the subject's come up of itself, don't you think you ought to talk about it? Your marriage, I mean.

[Margot Merrick]

Oh, Philip.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Again.

[Philip Booth]

Well, you've got to take steps. You can't go on tied to a husband who doesn't even care enough to want to see you.

[Margot Merrick]

Oh, but he does. I'm sure he does.

[Philip Booth]

Certainly. He's got a fine way of showing it, wandering all over South America. He hasn't seen you since your honeymoon.

[Margot Merrick]

Philip, dear, I'm trying to work.

[Philip Booth]

But this is important. Margot. He couldn't care about you and stay away.

[Margot Merrick]

I got a letter from him this morning. I think this would convince even you how Tony feels about me.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Where is he?

[Margot Merrick]

Well, the letter's postmarked for. Oh, well, what's the difference, Philip?

[Philip Booth]

Oh, Margot, your life. I'm talking about your. Your happiness.

[Margot Merrick]

Philip, if you'll promise to stop being jealous and go away to your law office and let the lady alone, she'll have lunch with you and we'll talk it all over them. Agreed?

[Philip Booth]

Oh, well, all right, then. One o', clock, the Parker Grill. And try to be on time, will you?

[Margot Merrick]

I'll be there. Don't worry. Bye.

[Philip Booth]

Bye.

[Margot Merrick]

Yes, Jane? Mr. Winkle would like to see you. Send him in, please. Good morning, Margot. Good morning, Gussie.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

If you have time, Margot, you could look at these layouts now.

[Margot Merrick]

I don't know whether I should or not. Gussie, you're in the doghouse with me today.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

I am?

[Margot Merrick]

Why, you darn near got me in a beautiful jam with this, the letter I got from my husband.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

Something wrong with you?

[Margot Merrick]

Well, people might think it a little odd that it's addressed from Cuba and has a Brazilian stamp on the envelope. You've got to be more careful, Gussie. You'll make an awful liar out of me.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

Margot, someday somebody is going to find that out.

[Margot Merrick]

Oh, don't be silly.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

No, no, it's serious. I'm worried, Margot.

[Philip Booth]

I worry a lot about it.

[Margot Merrick]

Well, you're wasting your time. What could possibly happen?

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

Well, I'm not sure, but I have a funny idea that we could be sent to jail for this. Writing all those letters for you, signing somebody's name.

[Geico Supporter]

It's forgery.

[Margot Merrick]

Nonsense, Gussie. You sign them. Tony Merrick. Well, there isn't any Tony Merrick, so how can it be forgery? It isn't a crime to invent an imaginary husband.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

Well, if somebody found out, it could be mighty bad. Margot, you never should have invented Tony Merrick at all.

[Margot Merrick]

I had to. You know that. Now look, Gussie. How long has any unmarried woman lasted as editor of this magazine?

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

Six months.

[Margot Merrick]

Six months. And do you know why? Because our dear publisher's wife has a jealous disposition. Remember the cable you sent me in Rio last April telling me I'd been appointed editor? You said regrets at the end of that cable. If you'll remember, you knew nobody'd lasted more than a few months.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

Yes, but I didn't think you'd come back from Rio with this story.

[Margot Merrick]

If I hadn't, I wouldn't have a job. Now don't you see, Gussie? I'm safe as long as everyone thinks I'm married. My non existent husband is my guardian angel and I like it. Being guarded.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

Suppose your father should find out.

[Philip Booth]

Your father's so old fashioned about such things.

[Margot Merrick]

That, Gussie, is a risk I have to take. Now stop worrying. Everything's fine. I'm on top of the world. Philip, dear, I adore having lunch with you. But don't you think you might talk to me once in a while?

[Philip Booth]

I'm sorry, Margot.

[Margot Merrick]

You're in a mood again, aren't you?

[Philip Booth]

Oh, I'm not in a mood. I just feel puzzled about the whole thing.

[Margot Merrick]

What's so puzzling?

[Philip Booth]

I still can't understand how you could

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

have married a man like.

[Philip Booth]

Like Tony Merrick.

[Margot Merrick]

But you've never seen him.

[Philip Booth]

Nobody has. It's another thing I can't understand.

[Margot Merrick]

I know sometimes I can't understand it myself. But there I was, alone in Rio in April.

[Philip Booth]

It was romantic, I suppose.

[Margot Merrick]

Madly romantic. It was raining. The spring rain turning the pavements blue. Oh, I adore rain.

[Philip Booth]

And I detest it. Gives me head colds.

[Margot Merrick]

Let's forget it then.

[Philip Booth]

Oh, but you couldn't have been in love with him. Or could you?

[Margot Merrick]

I guess I must have been.

[Philip Booth]

It's raining. It's real. If you were in love, how could it have been over so quickly?

[Margot Merrick]

It stopped raining.

[Philip Booth]

Well, why don't you get a divorce?

[Margot Merrick]

It wouldn't be fair to Tony.

[Philip Booth]

You don't love him and he certainly doesn't care for you.

[Margot Merrick]

Oh, but he does. Listen to this letter. You are the moon and the stars and everything beautiful. You so and so and so and so. So and so and so and so.

[Philip Booth]

What's that, so and so?

[Margot Merrick]

Well, if you really want to hear it, I adored you then. And now in spring with the sunlight a spring spray of golden coins and champagne. I adore you even more. Your own Tony. Oh, he writes beautifully, don't you think?

[Philip Booth]

Oh, Margot.

[Margot Merrick]

Mrs. Merrick. Yes, Jane. You asked me to meet you here.

[Narrator/Geico Advertiser]

We all do it. You have a night for yourself, but don't like the sound of the silence, so you turn on the TV just for the ambiance. It's a little trick that helps you feel like you've got company and aren't alone. And other insurers, well, they may make you feel alone. But when you switch to geico, you've got claims reps available around the clock. So whenever you need, you'll have people around to help. And let's turn on the washing machine just for good measure. Isn't that soothing?

[Geico Supporter]

It feels good to have support. It feels good to Geico.

[Spanish Advertiser / Lowe's Advertiser]

Ahora mascolos hilleba cada projecto al sigente niver ahora quince porciento nona selection.

[Margot Merrick]

Oh, good heavens. The boat. Philip, I've got to run. I have to meet Lorna Maxwell's ship at 4. What pier? Jane 26.

[Philip Booth]

Well, what's the rush, darling?

[Margot Merrick]

She's terribly important. She's bringing me back some artwork. Oh, where's my pocket hearse? Do you know a stateroom, James? Oh, listen, her letter said stateroom 4C. Well, come on, we'll just make it.

[Philip Booth]

Margo, when am I going to see you?

[Margot Merrick]

Call me. Goodbye.

[Philip Booth]

Call you when?

[Margot Merrick]

Goodbye.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Going ashore? Going ashore. Now listen, bud, you're getting this stuff out of this stateroom and you're getting out too. Come on.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Now look, friend, I realize you're the third mate of this ocean going bathtub, but you're not talking to a stevedore. And if it's all the same to you, I'll stay right here for a few minutes, huh?

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Listen, bud, for the last time, you're coming up on deck now and sign your card.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Are there 20 passengers in line up there now?

[Geico Supporter]

Yes.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Will Each one take 10 minutes?

[Geico Supporter]

Yes.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Couldn't I just as well wait here as at the end of the line upstairs?

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Yes, you could, but you're not in the first place, you aren't even registered for this cabin. It's supposed to be a Ms. Lorna Maxwell in here.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Ms. Maxwell is a friend of mine. She decided to stay in Havana and she gave me her accommodation. Simple, isn't it?

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Yeah, but look at this report.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

What's wrong with it? It's filled out, isn't it?

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Sure it's filled out. Passenger Jeff Thompson Occupation? Buggy whip salesman. Religion? Druid. Distinguishing marks? Small moan. I'll wishbone. Funny man, eh?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

No, no. I just thought maybe the immigration men get tired of reading the same stuff all the time.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Well, they don't see, and the customs men want to see you, too. Mr. Thompson, you said you had nothing to declare.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

I haven't.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Oh, no? What about all these pictures you got set up around here? You gotta pay duty on anything you bring back, pal.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

There's no duty on works of art, pal.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Works of art, huh?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

You don't think so, huh? What about this one? Lady in red. It's pretty, huh?

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

I seen better pictures on calendars. Come on, hurry it up.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Now, listen. Suppose you'd hoboed around for years, washed dishes, worked on newspapers, trying to paint, and you were broke, and finally you got Mr. Big to look at your stuff. I'd let you stay.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Who'd want to look at this Jeff?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Oh, nobody. Just the head of Flandern Galleries, that's all. He'll be here in 10 minutes.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Oh, an art expert, huh?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

No, he's a locomotive repair man. I asked down to look into my watch. The hairspring's broken.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

A wise guy, huh?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Now, look, pal, you give me another half hour here, and I'll put in a good word for you with the head steward.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

I got orders to bring you up now, so let's go.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

All right, all right, Captain Bligh, let's go.

[Margot Merrick]

Lorna. Lorna, darling, where are you? This must be her stateroom. Mrs. Merrick, look at the pictures. And look at this one. Lady in red. Oh, grand. Jane, try to find her for me, will you? Maybe she's up on deck.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Oh, I beg your pardon.

[Margot Merrick]

Forget it. It's nothing.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Oh, well. Very good. Very good. Lady in red.

[Margot Merrick]

Would you mind telling me who you are?

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Open the window, please. I need more light on the pictures.

[Margot Merrick]

They're very nice in this light.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Please. You waste my time. Flandern prefers no conversation when he judges work. Hmm.

[Margot Merrick]

Does it impair your critical faculties if

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

I breathe silence, Please. Or go and leave me alone with the work?

[Margot Merrick]

Listen, if you think for one second that a painter who's a very personal friend of mine is going to come back with exquisite work like this and have a dealer like you gobble it up, you're mistaken.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

I honor the painter whose work I handle for 20%.

[Margot Merrick]

I know you dealers well. This work isn't for sale. I'll handle it. I've got all the contacts necessary, and I won't need 20%.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Madam, I have no time to trifle with you.

[Margot Merrick]

You bet you haven't. Now get out of here. Shoo.

[Geico Supporter]

What?

[Margot Merrick]

I know you're kind. Off with you. Shoo. Get out.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Very well. Good day.

[Margot Merrick]

But I just found out Ms. Maxwell didn't take this boat. What?

[Geico Supporter]

She.

[Margot Merrick]

She didn't? But she left the boat at Havana. This cabin belongs to Mr. Thompson. Thompson?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Oh, very funny, I'm sure. Would you mind letting me in on it?

[Margot Merrick]

Oh, are you Mr. Thompson?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

That's right. Jefferson T. Thompson.

[Margot Merrick]

How are you, Mr. Thompson? The funniest thing in the world just happened. I just found out these were your paintings.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

I hope you like them.

[Margot Merrick]

Well, I just shooed some art dealer out of here and then I found out Ms. Maxwell had left the ship and I knew these couldn't be hers.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Oh, you deduced that all by yourself, did you? And did you also deduce the fact that it's taken two years to get Mr. Flandern to look at my work?

[Margot Merrick]

I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't laugh about it, but really it was amusing. You should have seen his face.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Yeah, I saw it. I just met him as he was leaving the boat.

[Margot Merrick]

Oh, you did? Then you know what happened?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Yes, and now let me tell you what happened. Mr. Flandern told me I could take my beautiful paintings and chuck them into the bay. Amusing, isn't it?

[Margot Merrick]

Oh, well, I'm awfully sorry. Well, goodbye.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Now just a minute. You like riding in a bus?

[Margot Merrick]

Well, not particularly.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Well, you're going to ride on one Z ride up to Madison and 40th street to the Flandrin Galleries, and you're going to get off there Z and walk up some marble steps into a gallery and begin talking.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Fine.

[Margot Merrick]

So you see, Mr. Flandrin, I'm here because Mr. Thompson thinks I was unethical to a competitor.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

You see, Mr. Flandrin, this young lady.

[Margot Merrick]

I'll tell him I represent the Allison Galleries in Boston. We want his work and you don't.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

What makes you think we don't want his work?

[Margot Merrick]

Oh, you do? Well, then it's all settled.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Certainly.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Fine. Thanks, Mr. Flandriver.

[Margot Merrick]

Of course. I do hope you're prepared to meet the price we quoted.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

What price?

[Margot Merrick]

You remember, Mr. Thompson, we were going to give you a $2,000 advance.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Now listen to me.

[Philip Booth]

2,000.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

I'll give him 2,200.

[Margot Merrick]

Why, that's wonderful, Mr. Thompson. We'll advance you 3,000.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Wait a minute.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Chicken feed.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

3,500.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

You satisfied?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Certainly I'm satisfied.

[Margot Merrick]

My firm has authorized me to go to 4000.

[Geico Supporter]

Now, listen.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

5000 and an exhibit all to yourself.

[Margot Merrick]

And we'll raise that.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

No, no, no, I'll take it. Take it, please. But I wanted to take you out to celebrate. Some. Someplace a little more flossy or something.

[Margot Merrick]

Thank you, Mr. Thompson, but I'm a working woman. Drugstore, Maldives. All I have time for.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Well, anyway, I. I do want to say thanks for fixing things up. You know, you were pretty swell about it.

[Margot Merrick]

I was glad to do it. Two chocolate malts.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

You know, I. I certainly had you pegged wrong. I took you for a society playgirl, one of those with nothing to do and a lot of time to do it in.

[Margot Merrick]

Not for me. I think every woman should have a career.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

I don't.

[Margot Merrick]

Well, just how do you like your women, Mr. Thompson?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

This may sound old fashioned, but I. I like them unsophisticated. And they're hard to find, too.

[Margot Merrick]

And just where do you look?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Well, not in New York.

[Margot Merrick]

I see. You don't think much of New York, do you?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

No, it's all right. But I like the Middle west better. I like the way they do things better. Now, you take. We'll take a malt of milk, for example. They don't know how to make a malt here. Some places make a milky malt, all milk and no malt. And there's other places that make a double thick malt, all bubbles and no body. You know what I mean.

[Margot Merrick]

You seem to have made quite a study of malts.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

I couldn't help it. My family used to own the corner pharmacy down at Wapakoneta.

[Margot Merrick]

Where?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Wapakoneta. It's in Ohio.

[Margot Merrick]

Oh, you come from Wapakoneta?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Of course. I'm going back there, too, first thing in the morning.

[Margot Merrick]

How nice. A visit with the old folks.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

That's right. Here, let me show you a picture. This is my mother on this side here, and that's my father there.

[Margot Merrick]

What's the blank space in the middle for?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Oh, that's available. She'll have to be quite a person to measure up to the people on each side of her.

[Margot Merrick]

That wouldn't be so easy, would it?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Nope.

[Margot Merrick]

No. Well, look me up when you find her. She ought to be worth seeing.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

I'll do that. And you drop in to see us sometime after the furniture's all in and the house is tidied up.

[Margot Merrick]

Thank you. That might be fun. We'll all have a nice taffy pull. Well, I've got to go.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Oh, now, wait. You can't run away. We've got to celebrate sometime.

[Announcer/Narrator]

You know.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

What about tonight?

[Margot Merrick]

I'm sorry. I'm busy.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Well, tomorrow night?

[Margot Merrick]

Very busy.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Well, then let's say Wednesday night.

[Margot Merrick]

Look, didn't you tell me you were leaving in the morning?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

That's right. I usually hate to change my plans, but. Well, I'll make an exception.

[Margot Merrick]

Well, all right, so will I.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Fine. Tonight, then.

[Margot Merrick]

No, tomorrow night. You know, for a man who hates to change his plans, you've been managed to change yours pretty often.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Oh, well, business. You know, I wired the folks I'd be delayed a few days.

[Margot Merrick]

Oh, I see.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

You know something?

[Margot Merrick]

What?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

It's a very funny thing.

[Margot Merrick]

What is it?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Three days ago, I didn't even know you. Two days ago, I could cheerfully have wrung your neck. And now look at me. I'm even willing to try a Roomba in a nightclub.

[Margot Merrick]

Have I really changed your mind? About. About New York.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Well, not about New York exactly, But

[Margot Merrick]

you were so positive only two days ago.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Ever seen Ohio?

[Margot Merrick]

Only from a train window.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Oh, it's great this time of year. You'd be crazy about it.

[Margot Merrick]

Would I?

[Sam (Lawyer/Assistant)]

Mmm.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

It's full of clover fields and little hills and farms. And you can rent houseboats for $8 a month on the Ohio River. Float along with nothing in the world to do. Always wanted to do that.

[Margot Merrick]

Why didn't you?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Aw, that kind of thing's no good alone. Gotta find a gal who sees it the same way you do.

[Margot Merrick]

But you never have.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

No.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

That is, not until. Margo.

[Margot Merrick]

What?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Tell me something.

[Margot Merrick]

What, Jeff?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

You like houseboats?

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Well, Jeff, I. Hi, Margo.

[Margot Merrick]

Oh, hello, Huey.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

How's the old business executive, huh? What do you hear from your husband, huh? Did you find him yet?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Husband? Are you married?

[Margot Merrick]

Will?

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Is she married? Listen, pal, you're out of the very important. Impulsive woman. Marry him quick and leave him fast. Married Tony Marek in Rio and left him in a week. Just impulsive.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Oh, that's very interesting. Thanks for the lowdown, pal.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Hey, what's the matter? Did I say something wrong? Huh? Did I say something out of the way?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

No, not at all.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Oh, yes, I did. I did it again. I did it again. I'm sorry, Mark.

[Margot Merrick]

Jeff, listen up.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Why didn't you tell me?

[Margot Merrick]

Well, I was going to, but I was just waiting for the right moment.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Yes, I can see it would be more fun to tell a man after he proposes. Well, I hope you enjoyed yourself. Let's go.

[Margot Merrick]

No, wait. It was just one of those things. It was over in a month. I'm getting a divorce. I never was in love with him.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

What? What'd you marry him for?

[Margot Merrick]

Well, I was alone in Rio. We met in a doorway in the rain and. Well, anyway, the next day we drove to a little village, Las Palmas, and got married. Well, the minute I realized the mistake I'd made, I left him. It was over in a week, and, well, here we are.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Yes, here we are. But you're not in love with him?

[Margot Merrick]

Of course not.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Fine. Then all we have to do is to get you a divorce. That simple?

[Margot Merrick]

Well, it would be with anybody but Tony. He keeps evading my lawyers.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Oh, I could find him in 10 days.

[Margot Merrick]

Oh, no. He's in South America.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

I can still do it. A friend of mine is a foreign correspondent. A human bloodhound. He can find anybody. You got a photograph of this Merrick fella?

[Margot Merrick]

Well, no, I. I didn't want to have anything to remind me of him.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Well, give him a. Give me a description of him, then I'll cable Joe tonight.

[Margot Merrick]

I doubt if your friend could find him.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Oh, you don't know Joe.

[Margot Merrick]

Yes, but you don't know Tony.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

What's he look like? Go ahead.

[Margot Merrick]

Well, he's.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

How old is he?

[Margot Merrick]

Well, I'm not sure. I never asked.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Well, take a guess. 30, 35, 40, 45.

[Margot Merrick]

35.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

What color hair?

[Margot Merrick]

Dark. Dark hair?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Brown. Black or gray?

[Margot Merrick]

Gray.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

I thought you said he was 35.

[Margot Merrick]

Well, maybe he's older. I don't know.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

How did he talk? Did he have any distinguishing accent?

[Margot Merrick]

I don't think so.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

You don't think so? Well, don't you know? Didn't he speak to you, or wasn't he the quiet type?

[Margot Merrick]

You needn't be sarcastic.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

I'm only trying to find out. Where did you say you saw him last?

[Margot Merrick]

In Rio.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

But then how could you have left him in Las Palmas?

[Margot Merrick]

Oh, well, that. Well, we were.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Now, let's see. You said you were married in April.

[Margot Merrick]

Yes, April.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

You said May a minute ago.

[Margot Merrick]

Oh. Oh, so I did. Well, you see what happened.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Although, as a matter of fact, you didn't name anyone.

[Margot Merrick]

Well, naturally, anyone would get mixed up when a person is deliberately stupid and suspicious.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

If you met him in Rio, and if you drove to Las Palmas the night the same night and got married, you must have driven very fast trying

[Margot Merrick]

to give me the third degree.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Because las palmas is 913 miles from rio. Now then, if you.

[Margot Merrick]

What right have you got?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Now, listen, one more question.

[Margot Merrick]

You know, you're one of the silliest men I've ever met. Really? You look awfully funny sitting there playing information. Please Do I?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

In other words, this has all been very amusing. Is that it?

[Margot Merrick]

Terribly. And now, if you don't mind, I'll go home.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

I'll take you.

[Margot Merrick]

Thank you, but you needn't bother. Better hurry back to Ohio and start floating down the river on that houseboat. Good night, Mr. Thompson.

[Announcer/Narrator]

In just a moment, Mr. DeMille and our stars, Douglas Fairbanks Jr. And Martha Scott will bring us act two of third finger, left hand.

[Narrator/Geico Advertiser]

We've all been there. You pop into the shop for five minutes and all of a sudden you've forgotten where you parked.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Car. Car.

[Narrator/Geico Advertiser]

Unfortunately, that lost feeling is what it's like trying to manage your policy with other insurers here.

[Spanish Advertiser / Lowe's Advertiser]

Car.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Please.

[Narrator/Geico Advertiser]

With geico, you can use the app to easily manage all your policies in one place.

[Philip Booth]

Did this parking lot have a waterfall?

[Narrator/Geico Advertiser]

I think you've wandered too far, mate.

[Geico Supporter]

It feels good to find what you're looking for. It feels good to Geico.

[Spanish Advertiser / Lowe's Advertiser]

Ahora mascolos. Ye vacada projekto al siente liber Ahora quince porciento. Nuna selection.

[Announcer/Narrator]

And now, here's a little argument that I overheard the other day. Two very young ladies were just leaving a motion picture theater. And as they walked up.

[Margot Merrick]

Now listen, Doris, you said how beautiful Loretta Young was in that picture. And I just happened to say we have a lot in common. Because my mother buys me the same soap Loretta Young uses. We've always used it at our house. So there. So they're nothing. That's just silly. Why, a big movie star like Loretta Young could afford to buy the finest, most expensive soap in the world. And it's as finest soap as money can buy. My money? But you just said, Loretta Young, that it's as fine soap. It is as fine as soap as money can buy. And Loretta Young uses it. And practically every famous movie star uses it. And we always use luxe toilet soap, too. So does just about everybody I know. And it only costs a few cents. And toilet soap, Is that it? Well, for goodness sakes, Marie, why didn't you say so? Luxe toilet soap. Why, then I can eat.

[Announcer/Narrator]

Yes, luxe toilet soap, that's the beauty soap Loretta Young uses. Just as nine out of ten other famous Hollywood stars do. And that means something pretty important to you. For don't you think that the soap that cares for Hollywood's million dollar complexions would be right for your skin, too? You'll find you can depend on gentle luxe toilet soap to help you keep your skin exquisitely Soft and smooth. The kind of skin that wins romance and keeps it. You see, this famous complexion soap has creamy, rich, active lather that carries away stale cosmetics. And every trace of dust and dirt gives precious complexions protection they need. Let luxe toilet soap give your skin gentle, thorough care every day. Let it bring new loveliness to you. We pause now for station identification. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

Act two of third finger, left hand. Starring Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. As Jeff Thompson and Martha Scott as Margot Merrick. The very suspicious Mr. Thompson, suspecting that Margo's husband is non existent, has sent a cable to a friend in South America. The reply comes quickly.

[Margot Merrick]

Checked consulate. No passport issued. Name of Tony Merrick. No marriage record. Tony Merrick. Margo Merrick. In short, no Tony Merrick.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

Armed with the evidence of Margot's fraud, Jeff Thompson presents himself at our home. A dignified colonial mansion with a dignified butler.

[Geico Supporter]

Whom do you wish to see, sir?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Is this the Sherwood Residence?

[Geico Supporter]

Yes, sir.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Mr. Sherwood has a daughter, hasn't he?

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

You mean Mrs. Merrick, sir?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

That's right. That's who I want to see. Mrs. Merrick.

[Geico Supporter]

I'm sorry, she isn't at home, sir.

[Announcer/Narrator]

May I ask who is calling?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Mr. Merrick. Mr. Tony Merrick.

[Geico Supporter]

Merrick, sir.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

Her husband.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

In the flesh.

[Geico Supporter]

Well, won't you come in, sir?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Thanks. Just sit right there, sir. Tell Mr. Sherwood you're here and see if you can locate my wife, will you? Yes, sir.

[Geico Supporter]

Very good, sir.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Mr. Sherwood, sir. Mr. Sherwood.

[Geico Supporter]

Your dinner's ready, Burton. You'll have to wait for a moment. It's not dinner, sir. It's a gentleman. Look here, Burton. I've got a new specimen for my butterfly collection.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Pretty, isn't it?

[Geico Supporter]

Mr. Sherwood, sir, to you it's probably just another butterfly, Burton. But it came all the way from Africa. A Lycaena stasiosa. Excuse me, sir, but Mr. Merrick's here. Lycaena stasiosa. One of the Rarest Speci. Who? Mr. Tony Merrick, sir. Merrick. Margot's husband? Yes, sir. Where is he? Where is he? I want to see that young man. He's in the hall, sir. I didn't want to show the. Oh, there you are.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Good evening, Mr. Sherwood.

[Philip Booth]

How are you?

[Sam (Lawyer/Assistant)]

How are you?

[Geico Supporter]

I've heard a lot about you, Mr. Merrick.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Yes, I suppose you have.

[Geico Supporter]

Mr. Merrick. My daughter's happiness is very important to me. I think that gives me a right to ask you if you've come here to cause her more upset or to arrange a divorce.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Divorce? I guess Margot didn't tell you, did she?

[Geico Supporter]

Tell me what?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Well, we. We talked things over long distance and decided that we'd been all kind of hasty in breaking things up, and we're going to start over.

[Geico Supporter]

You and Margot?

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Yes.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Everything's patched up.

[Geico Supporter]

My patch. Boy, that's the best news I've ever had.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Ah, thanks, dad.

[Geico Supporter]

Dad. That's wonderful, my boy. I'm tickled to death. Tickled to death. Burton, bring in a couple of highballs.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Yes, sir.

[Geico Supporter]

Get to have a drink on it, eh, son?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Yes, I think we should, dad.

[Geico Supporter]

Sit down, sit down. Oh, does Margot know you're here?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

No, no, she. She didn't expect me till next week.

[Geico Supporter]

Oh, we won't say a word to her. Just let her walk in and find you, eh? Will she be surprised?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Yes, I think we can depend on that.

[Geico Supporter]

Well, well, well, well. So you're the Tony we've heard so much about. By the way, do you know that you and I have the same hobby?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

No.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Yes.

[Geico Supporter]

I collect them, too.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

And not really, of course.

[Geico Supporter]

Bag them myself when I get the chance. But you're quite a hand at it, aren't you?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Oh, well, you know how people talk.

[Geico Supporter]

No, no, no. None of that. Margot's told me some of the things you've done. But, of course, I'm a little too old now for those jungle forays.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Oh, the jungle. Yes, yes, indeed. Jungle's the place.

[Geico Supporter]

That reminds me, I just got a magnificent lichena staceiosa from Africa. I want to compare it with the one you bagged.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Oh, the Lycan. Where? Is that so? Yes, that's quite a story. Quite a story. How big was yours?

[Geico Supporter]

Oh, a big fellow. But you tell me about yours.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Well, there's really very little to tell. In fact, there's nothing at all to tell.

[Geico Supporter]

Oh, come, come, come now, my boy. Don't be modest. Followed him in the jungle, did you?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Well, yes. I stalked him for hours. I was just about to give up when. When I saw him.

[Geico Supporter]

Go on, go on.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Well, you see, he'd. He'd been feeding on an animal. He'd killed an antelope. Her antelope? Yes. He looked up at me, and I saw that he meant to charge. So I yelled to my native boys, lifted my gun and got him just in time.

[Geico Supporter]

That's good. That's very good. Plugged him and a big fellow, eh? Son, you had me going there for a minute. You've certainly got a sense of humor. Oh, I'm going to tell that story. I can just see you chasing A butterfly with a gun.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Butterfly.

[Geico Supporter]

A butterfly.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

It is kind of funny at that, isn't it?

[Geico Supporter]

Mr. Sherwood, Ms. Margot's here. Margot? Where is she?

[Margot Merrick]

Yes, dad.

[Geico Supporter]

Come in here, Margot. I've got a little surprise for you.

[Margot Merrick]

Just a minute.

[Geico Supporter]

Tony. Tony, my boy.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Look, maybe I'd better see her alone first.

[Margot Merrick]

Please.

[Geico Supporter]

Now, don't deprive me of this moment, son. I want to see the look on her face.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Well, so do I.

[Geico Supporter]

But stand over there and don't let her see you.

[Margot Merrick]

Well, Dan.

[Geico Supporter]

Margot, my dear. Hold on now. Don't fall down. Tony's here.

[Margot Merrick]

Tony? What are you talking about?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Hello, darling.

[Margot Merrick]

Oh, you.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

It's Tony. Your own Tony.

[Margot Merrick]

Darling, will you please tell me.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Oh, Margot, it's so wonderful to see you again. Kiss me.

[Margot Merrick]

Uh, dad, listen.

[Geico Supporter]

I know, my dear. I know you want to be alone.

[Margot Merrick]

Oh, no, that isn't it.

[Geico Supporter]

Don't try to talk now. I'll be back in just a few minutes.

[Margot Merrick]

But, dad.

[Geico Supporter]

See you later, son.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

So long, dad.

[Margot Merrick]

You idiot. What's this all about?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

It's very simple. You made up a husband, and I've given him to you.

[Margot Merrick]

What makes you think I'll take him?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Darling, you've got him.

[Margot Merrick]

Jeff, this is ridiculous. I'm going right in and tell my father that you're an imposter.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Okay. You tell him, and I'll show him. You see these cables? These are my proof that you were never married at all. And that there isn't any Tony Merrick. Notice the date lines. Las Palmas, Rio de Janeiro.

[Margot Merrick]

Oh, you cabled.

[Geico Supporter]

Uh huh.

[Margot Merrick]

Mm.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Well, shall we go in and tell dad?

[Margot Merrick]

Listen, Jeff, you can't do this to me.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Why not? I don't know how many other suckers have fallen for your little act, but you picked the wrong victim this time.

[Margot Merrick]

Listen, you've got to get out of here. Have you the faintest notion of the position I'm in?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

After surveying carefully, I'd say that you were directly in the shadow of the eight ball.

[Margot Merrick]

Jeff, will you please do what I ask?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

No, darling, listen.

[Margot Merrick]

There's another reason. There's someone I'm in love with. Deeply in love with. Really?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

You can't be. It's bigamy.

[Margot Merrick]

I mean it, Jeff. I've known him all my life. Phillip's a fine, sensitive man. You know what it'd make him think?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

What?

[Margot Merrick]

Well, he. Well. Oh, Jeff, please get out.

[Geico Supporter]

It's only me. Can I come in?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Of course.

[Geico Supporter]

Dad, I know I shouldn't intrude, but I want to tell you I just sent the newspaper Men away.

[Margot Merrick]

Newspaper men. What they want?

[Geico Supporter]

Oh, nothing. Just wanted to confirm the story in their first edition. Look at this, Tony. This must be your work.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Smart set. Career girl and husband reunite. Very nice. Very nice.

[Margot Merrick]

It's horrible, dad. Did you tell him it was true?

[Geico Supporter]

Of course I did. You wouldn't want me to lie, would you, miss? Margot, Mr. Booth's here.

[Margot Merrick]

Oh, Philip.

[Philip Booth]

Oh, Margot, I've just seen the paper.

[Margot Merrick]

Philip, listen.

[Philip Booth]

He can't say I think like this. We'll sue them for a million dollars. We'll take this case to be.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

Who's that?

[Margot Merrick]

Hello, Philip. This is. This is Tony Merrick.

[Sam (Lawyer/Assistant)]

And then this last one here.

[Geico Supporter]

Beautiful specimen, eh, Tony?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Oh, yes. A fine state of preservation.

[Geico Supporter]

Now, the average collector might think this butterfly was just a come and fulfill your turnus. Oh, but of course, we know better.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Certainly. Personally, I don't see how it could be mistaken.

[Geico Supporter]

Was that thunder?

[Margot Merrick]

Yes.

[Geico Supporter]

Going to have a storm, I guess. Well, that's the last of the collection. Now up to bed, Margot. I'm sure it's been a tiring day for both of you.

[Margot Merrick]

Oh, no. I don't feel a bit tired. Do you, Tony?

[Geico Supporter]

Yeah.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Yes, I do, as a matter of fact. Well, good night, dad.

[Geico Supporter]

Good night, my boy. I'm going up myself.

[Margot Merrick]

But, Father, wouldn't you and Tony like to sit up a while and talk? It's not late.

[Geico Supporter]

Talk? Why, we've been talking all evening. Come along now, dear. Mr. Merrick, sir.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Yes, Burton?

[Geico Supporter]

I've put your things in the bedroom, sir.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Oh, thanks, Burton.

[Margot Merrick]

Oh, wait. Listen. What about a bite to eat, Tony? You must be hungry.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Oh, I never eat before I go to bed.

[Margot Merrick]

Never A drink then. I know you, Tony.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Oh, sorry. Very bad for me. Now, the doctor's orders, my dear.

[Geico Supporter]

Well, good night, children. Going to carry your bride across the threshold, Tony?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

I certainly am. Up you go, dear.

[Margot Merrick]

Stop it. Put me down. I'm not a bit tired.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Good night, dad.

[Geico Supporter]

I'll see you in the morning. Night, Margot.

[Margot Merrick]

Good night, dad. Put me down. Put me down.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

There you are, my sweet.

[Margot Merrick]

Now, listen. This has got to stop.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

This nice room. Not bad at all. I think we ought to change the wallpaper. I don't like.

[Margot Merrick]

Keep quiet. You think I'm going to stand for this? What do you think you're doing?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

This is a very interesting little process known as man taking off shoes and socks and putting on slippers.

[Margot Merrick]

And then what?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

And then I shall retire.

[Margot Merrick]

Where?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Now, let me see. Let me see. Behind that screen would be comfortable. I believe you have two large chairs.

[Margot Merrick]

No.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Now, now, don't make things difficult. If I can't get two chairs, I'll just have two.

[Margot Merrick]

I'll get them. I'll get them.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Thank you.

[Margot Merrick]

Suppose all this comes under the heading of teaching me a lesson.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

It's wonderful how quickly you catch on. Where are the chairs, please?

[Margot Merrick]

Oh, you'll have to use the porch furniture. There's a couch out there. You can bring it in.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Fun. Say, it's raining. That stuff will be soaking wet.

[Margot Merrick]

Well, you might go out and see. See?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Very well, my sweet.

[Margot Merrick]

Good night, my sweet.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Hey.

[Geico Supporter]

Hey.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Let me in. Let me in.

[Geico Supporter]

What's the idea?

[Margot Merrick]

Have a good rest, darling.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

I can't sleep out here. It's pouring.

[Margot Merrick]

Breakfast at seven, darling. But don't get up if you don't feel like it. Good night.

[Geico Supporter]

Well, good morning, Margot.

[Margot Merrick]

Morning, dad.

[Geico Supporter]

Morning, Tony.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Good morning, dad. Pardon me.

[Geico Supporter]

Oh. Caught a little cold, eh?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Just a little one.

[Margot Merrick]

Had breakfast yet, Father?

[Geico Supporter]

Oh, hours ago. I just wanted to pop in and see how you were and just say cheerio.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Cheerio.

[Geico Supporter]

Well, I'll see you two lovebirds later on. Take care of that cold, Tony.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Thanks.

[Margot Merrick]

This has got to stop. We've got to get out of this some way.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

We?

[Margot Merrick]

Jeff, please. You've had your revenge. This can't go on forever, you know.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

What would you suggest, my dear?

[Margot Merrick]

Well, we'll announce a divorce. Oh, no, we can't. The newspapers would check up and find out it wasn't so.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Sometimes you make a noise like you're

[Margot Merrick]

really thinking so smart, aren't you? All right, we won't fake. We'll get a divorce then.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Oh, no, you can't. The law won't let you. Not unless it's been revoked, since I looked it up yesterday.

[Margot Merrick]

Oh, law. What do you know about law?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Enough to know that you cannot make a mockery of marriage.

[Margot Merrick]

All we have to do is just file a suit.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Look, darling, you might as well know right now. You can't run around getting divorces the way you buy hats.

[Margot Merrick]

Oh, can't I?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

No, you can't. Not unless you're married. That's the law, so you might as well forget it.

[Margot Merrick]

All right, if that's it.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

All right, all right.

[Margot Merrick]

What if that's the only way to do it? I'll do it. See, we'll have to go to some very out of the way place.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Oh, I see. And get a nice little marriage so you can get a nice little divorce. That's simple.

[Margot Merrick]

Yes, It'll be a relief to have it cleared up.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Yes, it will. Got it all planned. Out, haven't you? All you have to do is snap your fingers and people hop to your orders. Well, maybe you can push some people around, but not me. When I want to get married, I'll get married, but it won't be to you.

[Margot Merrick]

What are you talking about? You've got to marry me.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

There's no law on that either.

[Margot Merrick]

But what's going to happen?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

I'm not sure yet. But you know, darling, there was once a gentleman named Frankenstein. He created a monster who came to life and make a lot of trouble for him. Well, you wanted to play Frankenstein, so I thought you might as well have a monster. Nothing like a nice little monster in the house, is there?

[Announcer/Narrator]

After a brief intermission, Mr. DeMille brings back Douglas Fairbanks Jr. And Martha Scott for Act 3 of third finger left hand. You know, Sally here fancies herself as quite a poet. So tonight I'm going to give her a real chance to prove what she can do. Oh, Sally, do you remember that rhyming game?

[Margot Merrick]

Why, I think so, Mr. Ruig.

[Announcer/Narrator]

You mean the one I say a

[Margot Merrick]

line and I make a rhyme?

[Announcer/Narrator]

Right. Let's go. Why, out here in Hollywood, the screen

[Margot Merrick]

stars know Lux soap is good.

[Announcer/Narrator]

Luxoap Lather Facials work.

[Margot Merrick]

Oh, remove cosmetics dust and dirt.

[Announcer/Narrator]

Well, Sally, I don't think much of that one.

[Sam (Lawyer/Assistant)]

No?

[Margot Merrick]

Well, I'll try again. I'll tell our listeners all in rhyme how to take a luxe Soap Active Lather Facial.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Now, here we go.

[Margot Merrick]

Pat the Active lather in, then you rinse it off your skin. Next you gently pat to dry. Active Lather Facials try.

[Announcer/Narrator]

Well, Sally tried. And she almost got the whole story into her poem at that. But not quite. For she didn't tell you how wonderfully soft and smooth skin feels after these Lux Soap Active Lather Facials. Famous Hollywood stars say these facials leave

[Margot Merrick]

skin feeling smoother looking so fresh.

[Announcer/Narrator]

Won't you try this Hollywood beauty care regularly for 30 days. See what it can do for you. Let it help you keep your skin lovely to look at, soft to touch. Now, our producer, Mr. DeMille.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

The curtain rises on the third act of third Finger Left Hand.

[Narrator/Geico Advertiser]

We all do it. You have a night for yourself, but don't like the sound of the silence. So you turn on the TV just for the ambiance. It's a little trick that helps you feel like you've got company and aren't alone. And other insurers, well, they may make you feel alone. But when you switch to geico, you've got claims reps available around the clock. So whenever you need, you'll have people around to help. And let's turn on the washing machine just for good measure. Isn't that soothing?

[Geico Supporter]

It feels good to have support. It feels good to. Geico

[Spanish Advertiser / Lowe's Advertiser]

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[Margot Merrick]

8.

[Spanish Advertiser / Lowe's Advertiser]

All supplies. Last selection varies by location.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

Before a divorce can be granted, the interested parties must be married in the court of domestic relations. This is a fundamental principle. And Margot has taken her problem to Philip Booth, who in turn has presented it to Jeff Thompson, alias Tony Merrick.

[Philip Booth]

I know the whole story, Mr. Thompson. The whole unhappy affair. And I must say, it's a very unpleasant situation.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Very. Have another drink.

[Philip Booth]

Thank you. I've had enough.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

So have I.

[Philip Booth]

Now look here, Thompson. Doesn't chivalry mean anything to you?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

How much chivalry do you mean?

[Philip Booth]

This isn't the time for flippancy. I've gone all over it. Legally, you've simply got to marry her

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

so that she can divorce me and marry you. That makes me the middleman. I'm afraid I can't see myself as a middleman.

[Philip Booth]

If you don't mind my saying so, I'm amazed that you were arguing about it. Now, man to man, Thompson, will you do the decent thing, man to man?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

No.

[Philip Booth]

Tell me the reason why.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Why? Because I'm dope enough to be in love with her myself. Oh, well, down the hatch, old man. Down the hat. Oh, no.

[Philip Booth]

Just once more, Thompson, let's go over the whole thing.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

You love her, I love her. It's a problem, isn't it? The thing is, I'm jealous, Phil.

[Philip Booth]

Well, I have a jealous nature, too.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Well, who are you jealous of?

[Philip Booth]

You.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

And I'm jealous of you. Down the hatch, Phil.

[Philip Booth]

Down the hatch. Now, I got just one more question.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

I know. Will I or will I not marry the woman you love? The answer is no.

[Geico Supporter]

Look, Jeff.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Just call me Buddy.

[Geico Supporter]

Look, buddy, I got an idea.

[Philip Booth]

Now, here's a man named Tony Merrick. The pictures are in the papers, you see.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Yeah.

[Philip Booth]

And here's a man named Jeff Thompson. Few weeks, he's going to have an art exhibit.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

Also.

[Philip Booth]

Pictures in the paper, same face. You follow me?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Uh huh.

[Philip Booth]

Then you're gonna be in the same spot she is. Scandal. And people laugh at you. You gotta clear this up or go into hiding yourself.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

You know something? You're right.

[Philip Booth]

Of course I'm right.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

You gotta get off the spot and

[Philip Booth]

make peace with it.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

But where could we go? We gotta be married in a place where nobody put it in the papers.

[Philip Booth]

Ah, nah, nah, nah.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

I thought of that.

[Philip Booth]

I got just the place.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Where's that?

[Philip Booth]

Niagara Falls.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

Oh, you go to Niagara Falls.

[Philip Booth]

To Margo.

[Announcer/Narrator]

And you get married.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

Next day, Margo leaves for Reno.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Okay, okay. You want to be best man?

[Philip Booth]

You think it's the thing.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

I now pronounce you man and wife. My young friends, you are beginning a new life together. Marriage isn't easy. It's a stony road sometimes, and you have to help each other and cherish each other. Realizing that no matter what dissensions you have, none of them is worth as much as staying together. The old adage is true, my young friends. It is a lonely life alone. Two by two we marry, and one by one we die. May you both live, not for yourselves, but each only to make the other happy. Congratulations to you both.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Thank you, sir.

[Margot Merrick]

Thank you, Reverend.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Good luck to you. Good night.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Good night, sir.

[Margot Merrick]

Good night, Reverend.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Well, that's over.

[Margot Merrick]

Yes, I. I guess he gives that talk to everybody.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Oh, sure. Just a routine. Well, can I buy you a wedding bouquet?

[Margot Merrick]

No, thanks.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

We still have four hours till plane time. We might as well stroll around and see the falls, I guess.

[Margot Merrick]

Pretty, isn't it?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Uh huh.

[Margot Merrick]

I was just thinking. I suppose you will get married someday. I mean, well, most painters do because they're so impractical and they need somebody to look after them.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

No, I'm. I'm pretty practical, you know.

[Margot Merrick]

Well, at least I've done you some good. Showing you what you don't want.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Yes, that's right, you have. I guess I've done the same thing for you too.

[Margot Merrick]

Well, I never thought my wedding day'd be like this.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Well, it won't be, you know, not. Not the real one.

[Margot Merrick]

That's right. Won't be Willa. Nor yours either.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

I should hope not.

[Margot Merrick]

Oh, you should?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

What's the matter?

[Margot Merrick]

Well, nothing. Nothing at all. Except that as long as we have to spend this time together, you might try to be a little pleasant.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

I am pleasant.

[Margot Merrick]

You certainly aren't. You've been snapping at me all evening.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

You know, when you do get married. You won't need any practice in henpecking. You know that.

[Margot Merrick]

I was not henpecking.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Now, listen, my Aunt Edith killed my Uncle John by henpecking. And I know a henpecker when I see.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Jeff.

[Geico Supporter]

Jeff Thompson.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Well, for the love of mine, who's that?

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

How are you, my boy?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Why, Judge Kellen, I knew it was you.

[Philip Booth]

Jeff. Hello.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Hello, Mrs. Kellen.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

Well, this is a surprise.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

I was down to Wakoneta just last

[Geico Supporter]

month talking to your dad and mother about you, Jeff.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Is that so?

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

Yes, indeed. We're up here for the convention.

[Geico Supporter]

What are you doing here?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Well, I'll tell you, Judge Kellen.

[Margot Merrick]

I was just wondering when Jefferson was going to introduce me. What do you think we're doing in Niagara Falls?

[Geico Supporter]

Margot, don't. Don't tell me, Jeff.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Have you really gone to live?

[Margot Merrick]

Yeah. Marriage. Say, if you folks unoccupied, you can lift a snifter with us. You know, wedding party.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Listen, you don't.

[Margot Merrick]

I'm awfully sorry you didn't come sooner. We had champagne, but it's all gone. Jeff, have you forgotten your manners? How about knocking me down to the hometown folks?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Well, Mrs. Kelland, Judge Kelland is Margot.

[Margot Merrick]

Pleased to meet you. You know, I know some Kellands run a butcher shop in Brooklyn. Course, we ain't planning to live in Brooklyn. We're gonna live in Wapakoneta, ain't we, Stinky?

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

Well, my.

[Geico Supporter]

Well, congratulations to you both.

[Margot Merrick]

This certainly is a surprise to us.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

All right.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Yes, thank you.

[Margot Merrick]

Well, what are we standing around here gabbing for? Come on, Judd, let's go hoist a good couple. Oh. Oh, sorry. Are you all right, my dear?

[Geico Supporter]

Here, here.

[Philip Booth]

Come over here and sit down.

[Margot Merrick]

Hey, Lego. Lego, what's a big idea?

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

I beg your pardon?

[Margot Merrick]

Beg my pardon? Nothing. You know what I mean. I'm. I'm perfectly well able to stand up alone. See? There's anything I don't like. It's a twerp who grabs a lady's arm when she's sober.

[Geico Supporter]

Oh, well, I. I assure you, Mrs. Thompson, there was no intention of any innuendo.

[Margot Merrick]

Can you. Oh, I like that. I accept the apology.

[Geico Supporter]

Thank you.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Well, we'll have to be getting along.

[Margot Merrick]

So nice to have seen you, Jeff. We'll be seeing your family Monday, and we'll tell them we met your bride. Goodbye, Jeff.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Goodbye. That was a nice thing to do.

[Margot Merrick]

I think they got the wrong impression. All right.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

I've got to go back home among those people. You know what they'll think.

[Margot Merrick]

I'll Bet I can guess.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

That's my hometown. I want to go back there and paint. Don't you realize the position I'm in?

[Margot Merrick]

After surveying carefully, I'd say you were directly in the shadow of the eight ball.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

Here's a September cover, Margot. I thought you might want to look in.

[Margot Merrick]

Thanks, Gussie.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Here are those Bryant contracts.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

They ought to be signed.

[Margot Merrick]

Leave them on the desk. I'll get around to them later.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

Margot, is there something wrong?

[Margot Merrick]

Oh, no, not a thing.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Gussie, you should feel very happy now, huh? And everything settled.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

You are going to Reno tomorrow with Mr. Booth, a fine fellow.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

With Mr. Booth?

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

And this fellow you are going to divorce, Thompson.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

He must be a terrible man.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

A mean, selfish troublemaker.

[Margot Merrick]

He is not.

[Philip Booth]

Oh, he isn't?

[Margot Merrick]

No, he. Well, he has his good points. He's a very good artist. Gursie, do you think a marriage is hopeless if it gets a wrong start?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Oh, well, that depends on the people.

[Margot Merrick]

I guess so. Hello. Oh, hello, Philip. What? Oh, yes. Oh. Oh, I see. Well, no, of course it's all right. I won't mind a bit. Yes, Philip, I'll see you at the train. Goodbye. Oh, Gussie, what do you know about that? Jeff Thompson's going to be on the same train with us.

[Philip Booth]

Oh, is that so?

[Margot Merrick]

Philip had something they had to talk over about the divorce. And that's the only time Jeff can make it.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

So he'll be going as far as Ohio with you, huh?

[Margot Merrick]

Uh huh. To Wapakoneta.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

And you'll get the chance to speak with him again.

[Announcer/Narrator]

I.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Fine, fine.

[Margot Merrick]

Gussie. What do you mean? He's nothing to me. Nothing at all. Why, he. He's just. I know.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

He's a very good artist.

[Philip Booth]

I'm sorry we have to go into all this, Thompson, but after all, you and Margot were legally married, you know.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Yes, of course, of course.

[Philip Booth]

And since Margot happens to. To be a person of some means, why, we have to have a property settlement. Now this.

[Margot Merrick]

Philip, we understand everything. Let's hurry up, please.

[Philip Booth]

Oh, yes. Now we come to clause eight. Now, let's see. Whereas the parties having mutually recognized their rights and investigism. Whereas the chattels and the property, both real and personal. Whereas now they're having a right title payment to those of the other. And whereas the party of the first part making known. Oh, you're the party of the first part, Thompson.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Yes, I know. Party of the first part.

[Philip Booth]

And you're the party of the second part. Darling.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

And you're the party of THE THIRD PART.

[Philip Booth]

There is no part of the third party. And whereas the said party makes known his agreement. Now then, I'm not quite sure about clause nine.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Well, just make it clause nine. Whereas.

[Philip Booth]

Whereas what?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Just whereas. Can't I have one clause the way I want it?

[Philip Booth]

I think we can let clause nine go. So if you just sign here, we won't trouble your trip any further.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

That's all?

[Philip Booth]

That's all. Just sign the pip.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Well, goodbye, Margot.

[Margot Merrick]

Goodbye, Jeff.

[Philip Booth]

Here you are, Thompson. Here's the pen.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Oh, thanks.

[Philip Booth]

Well, what's the matter?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Sign it. I don't understand. Cause 4.

[Philip Booth]

I just read it to you.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Well, it's all Greek to me. I should have legal advice.

[Philip Booth]

I don't know where you expect to find a.

[Narrator/Geico Advertiser]

We all do it. You have a night for yourself, but don't like the sound of the silence, so you turn on the tv just for the ambiance. It's a little trick that helps you feel like you've got company and aren't alone. And other insurers, well, they may make you feel alone, but when you switch to geico, you've got claims reps available around the clock. So whenever you need, you'll have people around to help. And let's turn on the washing machine just for good measure. Isn't that soothing?

[Geico Supporter]

It feels good to have support. It feels good to GEICO

[Spanish Advertiser / Lowe's Advertiser]

Pros, save more on what you need to get the job done right. Right now at Lowe's, get 15% off select custom entry and interior doors. Plus save $80 on the DeWalt 20 volt max 2 tool combo kit. Now just $169. And at the Lowe's Pro desk, bring us your materials list and get a quote in minutes. Handwritten. A photo or even a sticky note is all you need. Keep your jobs moving faster and on budget at Lowe's. Valid through 78 while supplies last. Selection varies by location.

[Philip Booth]

Oh yeah, at this time of night?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Are you denying me the right of counsel?

[Margot Merrick]

I agree with Jeff, Philip. After all, if he's not satisfied, there might be.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

There's always one on a train. I'll have a look. Excuse me, Margo. Be right back, Phil.

[Philip Booth]

Oh, Margo, you didn't have to suggest that.

[Margot Merrick]

I was only trying to be fair.

[Philip Booth]

Sometimes I think you want to see that fellow.

[Margot Merrick]

That's ridiculous, Philip.

[Philip Booth]

Oh, I'm sorry, darling. What are you thinking of just now?

[Margot Merrick]

Nothing much. I was just thinking about houseboats.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

Houseboats?

[Margot Merrick]

Yes, you know, houseboats just float along on a river. Sort of a nice idea, isn't it?

[Philip Booth]

Sounds very messy to Me? I wouldn't like it.

[Margot Merrick]

No, I can't. See you in the houseboat. Philip.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Oh, Sam.

[Sam (Lawyer/Assistant)]

Yes, sir?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Sam, is there a lawyer on the train?

[Sam (Lawyer/Assistant)]

Let me see. No, sir, there isn't.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

You positive?

[Sam (Lawyer/Assistant)]

Yes, sir, but. Excuse me, sir. Are you in need of legal advice?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Well, sort of. Yes.

[Sam (Lawyer/Assistant)]

Well, sir, I've studied law at night school the past four years to improve myself and taken a bar examination. If I could be of service to you.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

You know about property law?

[Sam (Lawyer/Assistant)]

Yes, sir.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Come into compartment A. You've acquired a client.

[Sam (Lawyer/Assistant)]

Yes, sir.

[Philip Booth]

And in this event, all such properties would be hypothesis. Now, does that suit you, Thompson?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

I'm not sure. Speak to my lawyer.

[Philip Booth]

All such properties would be hypothesis.

[Sam (Lawyer/Assistant)]

Excuse me, sir, but in Indiana Supreme Court, Johnson vs. Johnson, 1923. If I may cite a case in support of my contention, the ruling was vice's hypothecation. Completely vices.

[Philip Booth]

No.

[Geico Supporter]

All right.

[Philip Booth]

Well, Thompson, will you concede clause three in this brief?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

What do you say, Sam?

[Sam (Lawyer/Assistant)]

No, sir.

[Philip Booth]

No, sir. Well, clauses six and seven. Will you stipulate as to those?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Do we stipulate, Sam? No, sir, we don't stipulate.

[Philip Booth]

Now, listen, Thompson, we've been over this

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

thing for three hours. You heard what counsel said.

[Sam (Lawyer/Assistant)]

Counsel must be conversant with the ruling in a brief in the ames Case, Wisconsin, 1923. Can I get you another sandwich, sir?

[Philip Booth]

No, I don't want another sandwich.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

I do, Sam.

[Sam (Lawyer/Assistant)]

If I may suggest, Mr. Thompson, with counsel permission, it might be wiser if the party of the first part and the party of the second part arbitrated this matter personally.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Now, that's a good idea. Margot and I can talk the whole thing.

[Geico Supporter]

You do it.

[Philip Booth]

She's not gonna talk to you without me there to protect her interests.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Okay. Proceed, counsel.

[Sam (Lawyer/Assistant)]

Yes, sir. With the sandwich or the brief, sir?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

The brief. I'll get my sandwich in the club car.

[Philip Booth]

Just a minute. You'd better stay right here.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Oh, my. Counsel will take care of everything. After all, you know, there isn't much time. Wake me up early, will you, counsel?

[Sam (Lawyer/Assistant)]

Yes. Good night, sir.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Good night. Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry, Margot. I. I was just going to the club car.

[Margot Merrick]

Oh, yeah, I was just there.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Oh, were you?

[Margot Merrick]

Yes, I. I just came from there. Oh, well, pretty late.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Yes. Yes, it's pretty late. Yes, I. I guess I won't see you in the morning.

[Margot Merrick]

No. No, I guess not.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

We'd better say goodbye now then, huh?

[Margot Merrick]

Yes, we'd better, because the.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

The train gets into Wapakoneta at 8:30, you know.

[Margot Merrick]

Oh, I thought it was 8. 22.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Oh, no, no, no.

[Announcer/Narrator]

8:30.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

You'll still be asleep, I guess.

[Margot Merrick]

Yes, I guess I will.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Well, good night, then. Good luck, Margo.

[Margot Merrick]

Good night.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Margo.

[Margot Merrick]

Yes, Jeff?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Margo, I. Good night.

[Margot Merrick]

Good night.

[Sam (Lawyer/Assistant)]

Did you call me, ma'?

[Geico Supporter]

Am?

[Margot Merrick]

Sam, come here.

[Sam (Lawyer/Assistant)]

Yes, ma'.

[Geico Supporter]

Am.

[Margot Merrick]

Sam, listen, can you send a telegram for me at the next station?

[Sam (Lawyer/Assistant)]

Yes, ma'. Am. We make a stop in 10 minutes.

[Margot Merrick]

Thank you. I'll give it to you right now.

[Sam (Lawyer/Assistant)]

Whopper can add her, sir. Brush you off.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Thanks, Sam. And thanks for the legal advice. I. I guess this will take care of it.

[Sam (Lawyer/Assistant)]

$10, sir. I didn't do nothing.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Neither did I, Sam, but at least we tried.

[Sam (Lawyer/Assistant)]

Well, here we are, sir.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

What's so.

[Sam (Lawyer/Assistant)]

What's all that? Looks like a reception, sir. Mighty fine crowd.

[Geico Supporter]

Hello, Jeff. Come on down here.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Hello, Joe. What's all the excitement?

[Geico Supporter]

Watch for you, you old horse thief.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

For me?

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

What?

[Geico Supporter]

Come on, come on. Your mother and father are here. Let him through, folks.

[Philip Booth]

Let him through.

[Margot Merrick]

Jeff. Jeff, my boy.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Hello, Mother. Oh, hi, son.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Congratulations.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Hello, dad. But congratulations for what? I. I don't know.

[Margot Merrick]

Where is she? Jeff, we want to meet her.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Meet who?

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

It was pretty late when we got your wire last night, but we did our best to get a turnout here for you and the bride.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Bride? But look, I. I didn't send any wire about.

[Announcer/Narrator]

I.

[Margot Merrick]

Yes, you didn't, darling. I did.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Margot.

[Margot Merrick]

I know how forgetful you are, darling. And I knew you'd want all Whopper Canetta to meet us together.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Margo.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Well, Jeff, when do we meet her?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Jeff, I'm sorry. This is. This is Margo. Is. Is this on the level?

[Margot Merrick]

Of course, darling.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Mother, dad.

[Margot Merrick]

My.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

The scorekeeper will chalk up two more fine performances as soon as he gets a chance. But right now we are going to insist that Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. And Martha Scott take a bow.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Thank you, sir.

[Margot Merrick]

Thank you, Mr. DeMille.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

I should explain to our audience that we were very lucky to catch these very busy young people before they left for parts unknown. Didn't I hear you say, Martha, that you're catching a plane tonight?

[Margot Merrick]

Yes, I'm off for Washington right after the program, Mr. DeMille. Aren't you leaving tonight, too, Doug?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

No, not tonight. In the next week or so. But what's going on in Washington?

[Margot Merrick]

Well, quite a lot, I guess. But I'm going for the premier of Warner Brothers One Foot in Heaven on Thursday. And to tell the truth, I'm rather thrilled about it.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

I don't blame you, Martha. I hear some bright reports on your Performance in that picture, One Foot in Heaven.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Ah, you're lucky, Martha. I can't even get a toehold on heaven with titles like the Corsican Brothers.

[Margot Merrick]

I think it sounds very exciting, Doug. And now, Mr. DeMille, I'd like to tell you how much I've enjoyed coming back to the Lux Radio Theater this week. And to be perfectly fair, perhaps I should add that I enjoy using Lux soap all the time. It's really a wonderful way for any woman to care for her complexion. But I'll bet I can't tell this audience anything about luxury Soap.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

The. The 90 and N may be using Luxo, Martha, but we're. We're still after the hundredth.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

What are you planning for next week,

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

CB Unfinished Business, Doug?

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Oh, just. Just tying up a few loose ends.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

No, no, it's something new. Unfinished Business is a brand new universal picture. And our stars will be Irene Dunn and Don Ameche. It's the romantic drama of a small town girl who marries a big town boy. And of. Of the unfinished business in her life which he doesn't know about. Gregory La Cava produced and directed the picture. And I recommend it as a very pleasant way to spend part of next Monday night.

[Margot Merrick]

Well, I certainly won't miss it, Mr. DeMille. Good night.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Good night.

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Good night.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

Come back. Our sponsors, the makers of Luxe Toilet Soap, join me in inviting you to be with us again next Monday night when the Lux Radio Theatre presents Irene Dunn and Don Ameche in Unfinished Business. This is Cecil B. DeMille saying good night to you from Hollywood.

[Announcer/Narrator]

Ladies and gentlemen, an important announcement. The first lady of The American Theater, Ms. Helen Hayes, will return to the air next Sunday evening in the first of a new series of weekly dramatic programs. You'll hear Ms. Hayes in a different play every week. Favorite plays that she herself chooses. Her first play would be Jane Eyre. Remember the starting date. That's next Sunday, October 5th, over this same network. Check your newspaper for the time. Douglas fairbanks jr. Will soon be seen in the corsican brothers, produced by edward small. Heard in tonight's play were howard mcnear as philip. Ferdinand meunier as Mr. Sherwood, hans conreid as august, ernest whitman as sam and arthur q. Bryan, dick elliot, charles seal, helene costello, fred mackay, lee millar, thomas mills, una white, dwayne thompson and lela hyams mcintyre. Our music was directed by louis silvers and your announcer has been melville rowing.

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

This is the columbia broadcasting system.

[Spanish Advertiser / Lowe's Advertiser]

When I scraped my car in that parking garage, I was worried that it could be a long process to take care of it like a landscaper's first day trimming a hedge maze.

[Margot Merrick]

I have definitely already been here.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Now, was it left, right, or right left?

[Immigration Officer / Various Minor Roles]

Well, maybe I'll cut a path out

[Narrator/Producer (Cecil B. DeMille)]

and find my way back later.

[Spanish Advertiser / Lowe's Advertiser]

But it wasn't like that. I filed a claim in under two minutes on the Geico app, and they

[Sam (Lawyer/Assistant)]

handled it from there.

[Spanish Advertiser / Lowe's Advertiser]

It was taken care of almost as quickly as it happened.

[Geico Supporter]

It feels good to get help quick. It feels good to Geico.

[Spanish Advertiser / Lowe's Advertiser]

Ahora mascolos hillient eliver ahora quince porciento nona selection de puertas entradas interiores personalizadas ademas aura.

[Jeff Thompson / Tony Merrick]

Nueve dolare.