Martin & Lewis Show 49-05-22 (008) Arthur Treacher

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio — Martin & Lewis Show 49-05-22 (008) Arthur Treacher

Aired: November 12, 2025
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Featured Guests: Dean Martin, Jerry Lewis, John Garfield, Florence (Secretary), Mrs. Taproot

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Overview

This classic episode of the Martin & Lewis Show is a comedic journey through routines, banter, and musical performances, capturing the charm and wit of Golden Age radio entertainment. The central theme revolves around Jerry Lewis's need to "build himself up," leading to a series of comedic sketches set in the gym, a boxing fantasy, and interactions with notable guest star John Garfield. The show features the interplay between Martin's suave straight-man energy and Lewis's zany antics, with memorable contributions from recurring characters Florence and Mrs. Taproot.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

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1. Musical Opening & Classic Martin and Lewis Banter

• [00:01–01:50]
  • The episode opens with Dean crooning "I Can't Give You Anything but Love," setting an upbeat, nostalgic tone.
  • Jerry immediately jumps in with his comedic twist:
    "I give you love and everything else, baby. Cars, diamonds, pearls... I got a lucky box of Cracker Jack." (Jerry, 01:16)

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2. The Morning Routine & Jerry's "Build-Up" Problem

• [01:50–04:37]
  • Dean expresses concern about Jerry's health due to their busy schedule:
    "Remember, health is wealth." (Dean, 03:55)
  • Jerry resists, making fun of his own scrawny frame:
    "I've got the endurance of a mule. I've got the strength of a lion. ... Dean, I'm exhausted." (Jerry, 04:33)
  • Dean insists on a change, outlining a tough regimen and gently ribbing Jerry about his lack of muscle and stamina.

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3. Gags About Jerry's Size & Appearance

• [04:47–06:07]
  • Jerry recites a running gag about being a "98-pound weakling," making light of his own efforts to bulk up.
  • Amusing clothing routine:
    "Every time I try to take a step, my trousers fall down. ... Hand me the Scotch tape." (Jerry, 05:49)
  • Dean retorts:
    "You hold your trousers up with Scotch tape... Why don't you use suspenders?"
    "No shoulders either." (Dean & Jerry, 06:01)

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4. Interlude: Florence the Ditzy Secretary & Fan Clubs

• [06:44–09:42]
  • Florence arrives with fan letters, engaging in more fast-paced wordplay:
    • Confused sayings:
      "A rolling stone gathers no moose." (Florence, 07:43)
      "It's not a rolling stone gathers no moose. It's a rolling rock gathers no moose." (Dean, 08:04)
  • Jokes about vitamins:
    "Vitamins are little men who run around inside you and do good things." (Florence, 08:23)

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5. Mrs. Taproot and the Older Ladies Fan Club

• [10:20–12:38]
  • Mrs. Taproot, president of Dean's 50 Years and Older Ladies Fan Club, arrives singing Martin’s praises:
    • Her club's motto:
      "When our boy Deanie sings, we soar on love's own wings." (Mrs. Taproot, 10:20)
  • She claims Dean’s singing cures aches:
    "Before you got halfway through your first song, Mrs. Crabtree's neuralgia in her leg went completely away." (Mrs. Taproot, 10:55)
  • More gags at Jerry’s expense:
    "I'm glad my voice seems to help your members out." (Dean, 11:59)

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6. The Weigh-In & Gymnasium Gags

• [13:10–17:02]
  • Jerry finally submits to being weighed, leading to a darkly funny announcement:
    "Services will be held tomorrow." (Dean, 14:28)
  • At the gym, the trainer lampoons Jerry’s size and toughness:
    • Chest measurement gag:
      "Very interesting. Four inches." — "Four inches expansion?" — "No, just four inches of chest." (Trainer & Jerry, 16:00)
    • The trainer jokes:
      "A bottle of plasma and keep your fingers crossed." (Trainer, 15:18)

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7. Enter John Garfield: Movie Star and “Tough Guy”

• [17:37–21:13]
  • John Garfield enters; Dean and Jerry introduce themselves.
  • More self-deprecating humor from Jerry about their "success" and legitimacy:
    "Did we ever do anything legitimate? Well, when Dean stopped hanging around with those guys at the pool hall..." (Jerry, 18:39)
  • Garfield describes his movie tough-guy approach:
    "If the script says to grab my leading lady by the arm, I shove her first. ... Sometimes after a love scene, my knuckles are so sore." (John Garfield, 19:19)
  • Jerry admires Garfield’s on-screen presence, wishes he could be more like him.

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8. The Boxing Fantasies — Dream Sequence

• [23:10–30:08]
  • Jerry imagines himself as "Killer Lewis" about to face Garfield in a heavyweight title match.
  • A high-energy, slapstick fantasy unfolds:
    • Florence appears as "the champ's girlfriend," rekindling a running joke about her secretarial work and questionable allure.
    • Ridiculous wrestling match narrative and overblown fight build-up.
  • The climactic “match” is filled with sight gags and absurdities:
    • The referee finds iron pipes and horseshoes in Garfield’s gloves.
    • Nonsense boxing strategies ("I'll throw in the towel—no, to knock him out!").
    • Exchanges full of bravado and childish threats: "I'm gonna murder you."—"I'm gonna beat your brains out, Louis." (Jerry & Garfield, 27:23) "How do you feel?"—"Great. I think I got his strategy all figured out."—"You got his strategy figured out?"—"Yeah, he's trying to murder me." (Dean & Jerry, 28:41)
    • The fake fight escalates, ending with Jerry “getting riddled with bullets” by the US Marines and fainting.
  • Jerry "wakes up," realizing it was all an exaggerated daydream: "Oh, Mr. Garfield just tapped you with the back of his hand and you fainted." (Dean, 30:08)
    • Final callback:
      "Only I got a funny taste in my mouth." — "What is it?" — "It tastes exactly like lemon jello." (Jerry & Dean, 30:17)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Jerry’s frailty:
  "You hold your trousers up with Scotch tape." (Dean, 05:58)
• Florence on vitamins:
  "They're little men who run around inside you and do good things." (Florence, 08:23)
• Mrs. Taproot’s fan club motto:
  "When our boy Deanie sings, we soar on love's own wings." (Mrs. Taproot, 10:20)
• Trainer's deadpan gag:
  "A bottle of plasma and keep your fingers crossed." (Trainer, 15:18)
• Jerry's boxing strategy:
  "I've got the fight all figured out, Dean. In the middle of the first round, throw in the towel... No, I'm gonna wet one end and flip him unconscious." (Jerry, 24:03)
• Upon “waking up” from the fantasy:
  "Only I got a funny taste in my mouth ... it tastes exactly like lemon jello." (Jerry, 30:20)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:01–01:50: Musical opening and comedy introduction
• 03:55: Dean promotes health and a “building up” routine
• 04:47: Running gags about Jerry’s size
• 06:44: Florence and the secretarial/letter-writing banter
• 10:20: Arrival of Mrs. Taproot and fan club conversation
• 14:28: Weigh-in, gym routine begins
• 17:37: John Garfield enters, Martin & Lewis introductions
• 23:10–30:08: Jerry’s boxing dream sequence with Garfield
• 30:20: Episode closes with a callback gag about lemon jello

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Tone and Style

The episode is fast-paced, full of slapstick and wordplay, with Dean Martin’s smooth, reassuring delivery balancing Jerry Lewis's frantic, self-deprecating antics. The guest appearance by John Garfield adds celebrity charm, with all players in on the joke, contributing to a zany and joyful celebration of pre-television radio comedy.

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For fans of classic comedy and radio nostalgia, this Martin & Lewis episode is a hilarious snapshot of its era—full of memorable one-liners, clever repartee, and good-natured physical (and verbal) comedy.

Transcript

[A]

Time is precious and so are our pets. So time with our pets is extra precious. That's why we started Dutch. Dutch provides 24,7 access to licensed vets with unlimited virtual visits and follow ups for up to five pets. You can message a vet at any time and schedule a video visit the same day. Our vets can even prescribe medication for many ailments and shipping is always free. With Dutch, you'll get more time with your pets and year round peace of mind when it comes to their vet care. It's the Martin and Lewis show. The National Broadcasting Company brings you transcribed from New York the Martin and Lewis Show. Our guest tonight, John Garfield. And featuring Flo McMichael, Dick Stabile and his orchestra and starring Dean Martin. Come to me, my melancholy baby. Cuddle up and only Blue and Jerry Lewis. Come to me my melancholy baby.

[B]

I give you love and everything else, baby. Cars, diamonds, pearls, penthouses, castles, yachts. I got a lucky box of Cracker Jack.

[A]

Well, I can't give you anything but love, baby that's the only thing I've plenty of, baby you dream a while in your scheme a while you're sure.

[B]

To find.

[A]

Happiness and I guess well all the things you think better pine 4G but I'd like to see you looking swell, baby diamond bracelets Woolworth ain't gonna sell to you Fargo to that lucky day you know dawn well bab give you anything but love G But I'd like to see you looking swell, baby diamond bracelets little worth ain't going to sell to you, baby Till that lucky day you know D well baby, well I can't give you anything but love. Ever since the boys teamed up three years ago, Dean has been meaning to do something about getting Jerry to build himself up physically. But you know how those things go. We find them in their apartment just getting up in the morning. Oh, boy, I feel great today. What a day to be alive. Oh, what a beautiful morning. Oh, what a beautiful day.

[B]

You're right, Dean. It is a beautiful day. I think I'll stick my head out and get a great big deep breath of that fresh air.

[A]

Jerry, you didn't hurt yourself, did you?

[B]

Nah, I didn't hurt myself. And the window hasn't got a pain either. All right, I just woke up.

[A]

Yeah, but not enough. Jerry, remember that little talk we had last night about your condition?

[B]

Yeah. And we decided that I gotta build myself up today.

[A]

Right. And we'll start by going to a gym and taking a good workout. Remember, health is wealth.

[B]

Health is wealth. What's that got to do with me?

[A]

Well, look at you. You're bankrupt. Seriously, Jerry, I'm worried about you. Things are different today with us. We have new responsibilities.

[B]

Yeah, I know. Three shows a night at a nightclub.

[A]

A radio show each week, motion pictures, personal appearances, benefits.

[B]

Yeah, it's fun, but it's a tough schedule.

[A]

And that's exactly why we have to keep in shape. I'm really worried about you, partner.

[B]

Meanie. Don't worry about me. I'm super healthy. Why, I've got the endurance of a mule. I've got the strength of a lion. And athletics. Why, I'll dive and I'll race and I'll run and I'll jump and. Dean.

[A]

What?

[B]

I'm exhausted.

[A]

See, that's just what I meant. And I'm going to do something about it. Now, today you're going to eat the right kind of food. Today you're going to go to a gym and have a nice workout. And tonight you're coming home early.

[B]

Yes, partner.

[A]

And why did you come home so late after the last show last night?

[B]

Oh, I stopped by Reuben's restaurant. I had half a date.

[A]

Half a date? What do you mean? With a midget?

[B]

No, that's not what I mean.

[A]

Well, that's. What's this? Half a date?

[B]

It's simple. I was there and she wasn't.

[A]

You know, you might have better luck with girls if you build yourself up.

[B]

I think you're right, Dean. But I can't help my size. I spent my first three months in an incubator. And I grew and grew and grew. And then came that happy day.

[A]

They took you out of the incubator.

[B]

Yeah, and put me into a thermos bottle.

[A]

Now, Jerry, quit it, will you?

[B]

No, it's true, Dean. True that I too was once a 98 pound weakling. And then I turned the magazine page and saw that ad. He could make a giant of me. I bought the lessons, I worked.

[A]

Yes, go on.

[B]

Today I am a 98 pound giant.

[A]

Look, no matter how much you stall, you're not gonna get out of going to the gym. So get dressed. Jerry. What now?

[B]

Every time I try to take a step, my trousers fall down. And so do I.

[A]

But what do you want me to do?

[B]

Hand me the Scotch tape.

[A]

You hold your trousers up with scotch tape. What's the matter?

[B]

No belt, no hips?

[A]

Why don't you use suspenders?

[B]

No shoulders either.

[A]

You sound like a guy who stumbled going through a revolving door.

[B]

You're right, Dean. I should take better care of myself. And tomorrow Morning. I'll get on a regular routine of exercises.

[A]

What are you gonna do?

[B]

I'll set the alarm for 6am and when it rings, I'll jump out of bed.

[A]

Then what?

[B]

Then what? Isn't that pretty good for a start?

[A]

Jerry, you gotta be serious about this. Now, what you need is road work, health foods, calisthenics, vitamins, fresh vegetables, fruits, red meats. Regular hours, lots of sleep, deep breathing and fresh air.

[B]

Stop already. I'm getting exhausted again. Well, I'm all dressed, Dean. Are you ready? Who is it? It's me.

[A]

Well, hello, Florence.

[B]

I got some fan letters for you to sign. The ones I secretaried yesterday. And I wanted to get here before Mrs. Taproot comes. Oh, the president of Dean's 50 Years in Older Ladies Fan Club. She coming?

[A]

Yeah, she's coming to tell me all about the last meeting of my new fan club. Isn't that nice? I said, isn't that nice? Jerry?

[B]

Who's jealous?

[A]

Where are the letters that you have to be signed, Florence?

[B]

Oh, here. I'm sorry I'm late, but I had a lot of trouble getting them written.

[A]

Trouble? I thought you. I thought I told you to type them on my Corona.

[B]

That's just it. It isn't easy to type a letter on a cigar fan. Letters answered on cigars. Hey, Dean, that might get us some new fans with men who know tobacco best. It's Martin and Lewis, quarter to nine.

[A]

Martin and Lewis, quarter to nine.

[B]

Yeah, with the cigars, we can throw in a time signal.

[A]

Florence, you know, you managed to get about three fan letters answered a day. I think you should do a little better than that. Or give up the job.

[B]

Oh, I wouldn't give up the job. I'd just have to get another job and that'd be silly. You know what they say, a rolling stone gathers no moose. A rolling stone gathers no moose. Florence, it's not a rolling stone gathers no moose. It's a rolling rock gathers no moose.

[A]

This conversation could be happening, but I doubt it.

[B]

Yeah, Mr. Lewis is pretty odd sometimes. He should take vitamin G. Vitamin G? What's vitamin G? Well, that's the vitamin you take that makes you strong enough to keep from getting punchy from all the other vitamins you take.

[A]

Lawrence, I don't think you know very much about vitamins.

[B]

Oh, sure I do. They're little men who run around inside you and do good things. Oh, Florence, vitamins aren't little men. That's silly. Gee, Mr. Lewis, you're always taking all the beauty and romance out of life.

[A]

I think you're right about his taking some kind of vitamins, though. We were just talking about how Jerry doesn't attract girls very much.

[B]

Yeah, A girl has to be careful. Tell me, do you think a girl should marry a man who's taller than she is?

[A]

Why shouldn't a girl marry a man who's taller than she is?

[B]

None of them ever asked me. Oh, what? Mr. Lewis? Yeah? How tall are you? Oh, I'm a very short little fellow. Much shorter than you. Come over here and we'll measure and I'll prove it. Okay. Here I am. Should I stand up or kneel down like you're doing?

[A]

You know, if it pays to be ignorant, you two are about ready to retire. It's a good line.

[B]

I don't want to be inquisitive, Florence, but what kind of a man would you prefer? Oh, I like the mysterious type of man. A man that nobody sees, that nobody knows anything about, who lives a life of mystery. Call for Philip Mori. Well, I don't want to hold you up from going to the gym. I'll go mail the letters. Bye.

[A]

Bye, Florence.

[B]

You know something? Maybe I will go over to the gym with you. Dean. How about tie my tie for me, huh?

[A]

Why don't you learn to do these simple things for yourself? I'm not going to mother you anymore.

[B]

Oh, come on, Dean. How about it, huh? Please?

[A]

Well, all right. Here. Stand still. There.

[B]

Gee, thanks, Mom. You're so good to me, Dean. You sure tie my tie good, Dean. You're always good to me, Dean.

[A]

All right. I'm good, Dean. Now, stop following me around.

[B]

I can't. You got your fingers stuck in the knot.

[A]

Ah. Jerry, stop your clowning. Let's get started. Oh, that must be Miss Taproot. Come in.

[B]

Oh, that wonderful voice. That glorious voice. Oh, you know the motto of our club, Mr. Martin. When our boy Deanie sings, we soar on love's own wings.

[A]

Well, thanks, Mrs. Taproot, that's very nice.

[B]

But all your club members are ladies over 50 years old. How much soaring can you do with that age? Look, sonny, jet propulsion wasn't invented by bobby socks, as you know.

[A]

Tell me, Mrs. Taproot, did you listen in on last Sunday's radio show?

[B]

Oh, yes. And when our club members heard your voice, it's just miraculous.

[A]

Well, what do you mean, miraculous?

[B]

Well, before you got halfway through your first song, Mrs. Crabtree's Neuralgia in her leg went completely away.

[A]

Well, that's me, Dean Martin. Boy, Mayo Clinic.

[B]

And then there's Mrs. Blabola. She weighs 240 pounds. Mrs. Blabola's our literary member.

[A]

Oh, she reads a lot, huh?

[B]

Oh, no, not at all. But for a girdle, she uses bookends. Gee, you're lucky, Dean. I'll bet even Crosby hasn't got a fan that's built like an encyclopedia. So your club really enjoys Dean singing, huh, Mrs. Thaprot? Oh, yes. And our oldest member, Mrs. Primella, was single. Your singing made her feel 40 years younger.

[A]

40 years younger?

[B]

Yes. If you'd sung a second chorus, she'd have backed all the way out of her old age benefits. Yep. From Margaret o' Brien to Marjorie Maine. When Deanie sings, they feel no pain.

[A]

Jerry, stop ad libbing.

[B]

That was a poem by gerald Lewis, age two, who doesn't know any better.

[A]

Well, Mrs. Taproot, I'm glad my voice seems to help your members out.

[B]

Oh, yes, and since you did such wonders for Mrs. Crabtea's neuralgia, I was wondering if you could do anything about the water on my knee. Go ahead, Dean. Sing cruising down the river and hope for the best.

[A]

One thing I never quite understood, Mrs. Taproot. Why didn't your fan club pick on one of the older singers?

[B]

Well, you know, Mr. Martin, before our club switched over to you, we were fans of Nelson Eddy. You know, with his shortening bread and water.

[A]

Boy, what made you change to me?

[B]

Well, we were tired of bread and water. We wanted meat and potatoes. Goodbye.

[A]

Goodbye. Yeah. Bye, Mrs. Taproot.

[B]

Bye. Remember when we started out as a team, you kept telling me that your singer would put us in our higher brackets.

[A]

Yeah, what about it?

[B]

I thought you meant money, not years.

[A]

You're just jealous because it isn't your fan club. And maybe we can do something about that. Come on, let's go to the gym and see if we can cure you of an acute case of skin and bones.

[B]

Me, skinny? That's funny. Me, skinny? I am not.

[A]

All right, you're not skinny. But why is it your suits always look fatter when they're on the hanger?

[B]

They do?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I didn't even know they were in love.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

What are you owing about? What do you want?

[A]

Jerry, there's no use stalling. I'm still going to make you go down to that gymnasium and take that workout, you 98 pound giant Jew.

[B]

Okay, I'll make a deal with you. I'll get on a bathroom scales, and if I don't weigh more than 98 pounds, I'll go to that gym with you.

[A]

Ah, this is a Cinch. Come on, puny boy. Puny boy. Yes, you are my puny boy.

[B]

I'll get on the bathroom scales in here.

[A]

Time is precious and so are our pets. So time with our pets is extra precious. That's why we started Dutch. Dutch provides 24,7 access to licensed vets with unlimited virtual visits and follow ups for up to five pets. You can message a vet at any time and schedule a video visit the same day. Our vets can even prescribe medication for many ailments and shipping is always free. With Dutch, you'll get more time with your pets and year round peace of mind when it comes to their vet care.

[B]

Okay, Dean, what does it say on the indicator now?

[A]

Services will be held tomorrow. Well, come on, Jerry, we're off to the gymnasium and I think I'd better carry you. Well, it was tough work, but Dean finally persuaded Jerry to go to the gym. Well, here's the gymnasium, Jerry.

[B]

Gee, it's a nice looking building. Hey, let's take a look through the window. Gosh, look at them all running and jumping around in their shorts. Did you ever see so many bare arms and legs? And just look at their physiques.

[A]

Yeah. Now let's go over to the men's side. Yes, gentlemen.

[B]

Hello. I'm Jerry Lewis and I'd like to build myself up.

[A]

You want to build yourself up?

[B]

Yeah. What do you recommend?

[A]

A bottle of plasma and keep your fingers crossed. Look, I've been telling Jerry about building himself up all morning. Having you got any trunks that'll fit him? What size you take, bud?

[B]

28.

[A]

Well, here, try these.

[B]

What size are they?

[A]

44.

[B]

Were you ever in the army?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Gee, once a supply sergeant, always a supply sergeant. Say, I'll need a jersey too. Want to see my chest?

[A]

Sure. Would you mind pointing it out to me?

[B]

It's right there between my shoulders.

[A]

Oh, I thought it was a mole. Okay, inhale and I'll measure it. Very interesting. Four inches.

[B]

Four inches expansion?

[A]

No, just four inches of chest.

[B]

Look, mister, I may be kind of small, but I'm plenty tough.

[A]

Yeah, you're a regular Mickey Goony. Well, let's just slip these things on and we'll see what we can do with you.

[B]

Okay, I'm ready.

[A]

Now pick up that iron bar with the weights on it.

[B]

Yes, sir.

[A]

Good, good. Now let's try the other one. The one with the two pound weight. Come on, Jerry, you'll always be kidding about your strength until you do something about it.

[B]

Okay, Dean, I'll try.

[A]

Now let's limber up. A little bend down and touch the floor with your fingertips.

[B]

No, no, no.

[A]

Keep your knees stiff. Stiff.

[B]

Well, as long as I'm down here, I'll do some push ups.

[A]

I don't think you're ready for any more exercises today. I'll just leave you. You can fool around the way you want to.

[B]

Okay, Dean. I wish I could get into one of these boxing rings and practice boxing. They all seem to be in use.

[A]

Ah, there's one ring that's vacant here. Look at that trainer. He's balling out somebody right now. Now, you heavyweights are all alike. Too slow, too heavy on your feet. You gotta be on your toes in this business. Now go on home and try not to be so heavy on your feet next time.

[B]

Gee, Dean, didn't that elephant look funny in shorts?

[A]

Hey, Jerry, look who's coming across the gymnasium. It's John Garfield.

[B]

Yeah, I wonder what he's doing here. Excuse me, but aren't you John Garfield, the movie actor?

[A]

That's right. Well, I. I guess you don't recognize us, Mr. Garfield. I'm Dean Martin. This is Jerry Lewis. Never heard of him.

[B]

Wait a minute, Mr. Garfield. We may not be very well known, but we've achieved some success.

[A]

Yeah, we're over at the Copacabana nightclub icing. And Jerry's a very funny guy. Tells jokes, makes the people laugh. In fact, his wit is so fast it's like lightning. No wonder he's built like one of those rods. But seriously, Dean, I'm very glad to meet you. Well, to tell the truth, boys, I don't get much time to go to nightclubs.

[B]

You don't go to nightclubs? What do you do in the evening?

[A]

Well, I go home and go to bed.

[B]

Gee, how did you ever think of that?

[A]

How come you're not in Hollywood making pictures? Oh, I like to get away from Hollywood once in a while and do something in a legitimate theater. Did you fellas ever do anything legitimate?

[B]

Did we ever do anything legitimate? Well, when Dean stopped hanging around with those guys at the pool hall who had the car swiping concession over in Brooklyn.

[A]

Hey, don't be ridiculous. Mr. Garfield means did we ever do any legitimate performing? Something dramatic?

[B]

Oh, dramatic. Well, once we introduced the violinist.

[A]

Was it. Was it Jascha Heifetz who plays with the symphony?

[B]

No, this was Yasha Fiedelbaum. He plays at the odd fellow weddings.

[A]

You know, Mr. Garfield, you're one of Jerry's favorite actors. Really? Yes.

[B]

I admire you on a screen. Gee, in body and soul. The way you Treated your women like a caveman.

[A]

Well, that's my system, you know, treat them rough. If the script says to grab my leading lady by the arm, I shove her first. And if it says to push them against the wall, why, I slug them too. You see? Gee, you know, sometimes after a big love scene, my knuckles are so sore I can hardly stand it.

[B]

Gee, and my girl hits me if I take all the armrests at a seat in the movies.

[A]

You see, Jerry doesn't have much success romantically. Oh, that's too bad. Will you, Jerry? Have you ever tried taking a ride through Central park on a moonlight night? Oh, sure.

[B]

We took a ride Saturday night. The moon was shining, the air was balmy, but I didn't get one single kiss.

[A]

Wouldn't the girl cooperate?

[B]

Girl? I took my dog.

[A]

Jerry. Jerry. Taking a dog on a moonlight ride through the park. Nobody would do a thing like that.

[B]

I would.

[A]

I'm only 23 years old.

[B]

What do I know? Mr. Garfield, you don't know how much I give to be like you. Even a little bit like you.

[A]

Ah, Jerry, stop kidding. Why, there's lots of similarities between us.

[B]

There are?

[A]

Why, certainly. Why, we're. I mean, we're. Well, we're both men. I'll give you two to one on that. And that's exactly why we're down here at the gym today, Mr. Garfield.

[B]

Yeah, I want to grow up, be tough. You know, like James Cagney. Boy, if I could only be like him. Now look here, you guys, I know what to score. See you? Don't fool with me.

[A]

Now take this gat and know what you're doing.

[B]

Johnny.

[A]

Hey, hey. Yeah, that's pretty good. Say, you haven't told me why you came to the gym today. Well, Jerry's decided to get himself into condition. And since Jerry saw you in body and soul, he wants to be. How do you become a fighter? A fighter? Well, don't make me laugh. Why, I've never seen such a panty waist.

[B]

What's the matter?

[A]

Look at you, all panty and no waist.

[B]

Well, you may think I'm frail, but actually I'm as hard as nails. Last summer I did the hardest road work in the world, Jerry.

[A]

The hardest road work in the world?

[B]

Sure. You know those construction gangs who build roads through the hot burning desert?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And you know those great big boulders and rocks that they have to be broken up into little pieces?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And all that tar and asphalt that has to be pounded and pounded till it's flat enough to make a highway.

[A]

Is that what you did?

[B]

No, I've painted the white line down the middle.

[A]

Well, that proves it. Jerry and I was going to suggest that we spar for a couple around. You know, just for laughs. Ah, you'd murder Jerry. He doesn't know his left hand from his right.

[B]

Now, why does everybody think I'm a mental incompetent? Well, maybe I can rephrase that last statement.

[A]

Well, come on, Jerry. If you want to spar around a little, I'm ready for you. Yeah, well, I really feel like mixing it up for a couple of rounds, huh?

[B]

Yeah, sure.

[A]

How about you?

[B]

Yeah, how about that?

[A]

Ah, what's the matter? You're not yellow, are you?

[B]

Me, yellow?

[A]

Well, you certainly look like you're yellow.

[B]

Can I help it if I'm breaking out in lemon jello?

[A]

Go ahead, Jerry. Get into the ring with Mr. Garfield. That's what you came down here for, to get a workout. You're not afraid, are you?

[B]

Afraid? Why, I'll go in there and I'll mighty this guy. Stop it, will you, Dean? Why, I'll pulverize him. Dean, quit it. I'll break every bone in his body. Dean, will you stop it?

[A]

What am I doing?

[B]

You're shoving me.

[A]

Don't worry, Jerry. What can happen? I'll take it easy with you. I won't hit you hard enough to bruise Margaret o'. Brien.

[B]

Promise?

[A]

Promise. I won't hit you any harder than this. Just a tap.

[B]

I am Killer Margaret o'.

[A]

Brien.

[B]

Tonight I fight Champ Garfield for the heavyweight title. It's almost time for the main event. Gee, I hate to go. It's so nice up here, floating on this cloud of lemon jello.

[A]

Jerry, relax. Lie back. You're on the training table in your dressing room. You gotta get ready for your big fight.

[B]

Yeah, my big fight.

[A]

Now, this is it, Killer. You gotta get in there at the bell and start slugging.

[B]

Yeah, they don't call me Killer Lewis for nothing. I'll murder this Garfield bum.

[A]

I'll slash him.

[B]

I'll crush his nose with my left. I'll close his eyes with my right. I'll bust his ribs.

[A]

And what was that for?

[B]

I just happened to think, what if he hits me?

[A]

Come on, Killer, buck up. Where's your confidence?

[B]

Don't worry about me. I've been practicing my old one two.

[A]

Practicing punching, eh? No counting.

[B]

I got the fight all figured out, Dean. In the middle of the first round, throw in the towel. Don't forget that. Throw in the towel.

[A]

You mean you're gonna give up the fight?

[B]

No, I'm gonna wet one end of it and flip him unconscious. This is gonna be a great night for me. Can I come in? Florence, what are you doing here? Oh, I'm not the Florence you know. I'm the champ's girlfriend.

[A]

Champ's girlfriend?

[B]

Yeah. But there might be a vacancy. I'm getting tired of the way he kisses. Why? How does he kiss? The hard way. No lips. So you don't like the way the champ kisses, huh?

[A]

Lean down here, baby.

[B]

How is that? As far as I'm concerned, he's still the champ. You're kind of cute, but I'm still grateful to him. He took me out of my old racket.

[A]

What was your old racket?

[B]

Typing letters on Corona Cigars. You still sound like Florence, our secretary. Oh, how can you say that? Don't you remember last night when you held me in your arms? You said I was the most glamorous woman in the world. More desirable than Hedy Lamar. I said that? Yeah. I gotta get out of this boxing racket. I'm getting punchy.

[A]

You better go now. I gotta take care of my friend here.

[B]

So long.

[A]

So long, baby. The championship fight will go on in a few minutes. Meantime, the crowd is watching the preliminary wrestling match between gorgeous smorgas and 10 ton tucker. They're in a tight clinch right now. Gorgeous has a cross flying hammerlock on Ten Ton, who has a body, scissors and toe twister on Gorgeous. Hey, Killer, look at that match, What a match, huh?

[B]

Yeah, and gee, I didn't even know they were in love.

[A]

And Now Gorgeous gets 10 ton over his head in an airplane spin. Around and around he goes and throws 10 ton to the mat. Great Scott. 10 ton crashed completely through the ring. There's nothing showing above the floor but his trunk and one tusk. Well, that's the end of that match. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we present the fight for the heavyweight title between the present champion, John Garfield at 280 pounds and the challenger, Killer Lewis. The 98 pound Giant Services will be held tomorrow. Well, the challenger, Killer Lewis, is leaving his corner. He goes to the center of the ring. Go on, Jerry.

[B]

Okay, hang on. Take that. And that. And that. And that. How'd you like that one, punk? Take that.

[A]

And now Garfield gets into the ring. The crowd cheers. Hey, referee, I don't think you've met my fighter.

[B]

Hiya, champ. I mean chump. I mean chimp.

[A]

I mean keep going, keep going. He's in there someplace.

[B]

I'm the referee. Now, let's make this a good clean fight, man. First, I Gotta take a look at your boxing gloves. Lewis, your gloves are okay. Swell. Now let's take a look at yours. Garfield, yours are okay, too. Wait a minute. What's all that stuff that fell out of his love iron pipes and horseshoes?

[A]

Well, that's to penalize me, killer. I'm better than you are. And all that heavy iron will weigh my arms down so I can't hit you so fast.

[B]

Yeah, that makes sense. Look, Garfield, I'm gonna murder you.

[A]

Yeah. I'm gonna beat your brains out, Louis.

[B]

Well, I'm gonna break both your arms, fracture your skull.

[A]

Well, I'm gonna smash you into a pulp.

[B]

Okay, boys, go to your corners. Bye.

[A]

Bye. Okay, Killer, it's your big moment. Here's the bell for the first round. Now go out to the center of the ring. Remember, you're a 98 pound giant. And don't forget your strategy.

[B]

Yeah, my strategy. Okay, where's that Garfield? You ready, Garfield?

[A]

Yeah, I'm ready.

[B]

Help. Foul. Foul, Foul.

[A]

Terry. Not yet. Will he hit you?

[B]

Why take chances? Foul. Foul. Foul.

[A]

Never mind all that faking, Lewis. Stand up and fight.

[B]

I'm not worried. I'm a good boxer. I'm very scientific.

[A]

Okay, throw a couple of punches and let's see if you can land one.

[B]

Okay, I'm missing you.

[A]

That's pretty good. Now get inside the ring and try it.

[B]

Okay, here's an uppercut.

[A]

Here's a left jab.

[B]

Here's a right to the jaw.

[A]

Here's your teeth.

[B]

Thanks.

[A]

And there's the bell ending round one. Lewis is going to his corner. He seems a little woozy. Come on, sit down on this stool. How do you feel?

[B]

Great. I think I got his strategy all figured out.

[A]

You got his strategy figured out?

[B]

Yeah, he's trying to murder me.

[A]

Well, remember what I told you. Make him keep hitting you on the head. We'll wear him down someway. And there's the bell for round two. The fighters are in a clinch. They're talking to each other. I'm warning you, Lewis. I'm warning you. If you don't stop following me, I'm gonna give you my secret long range rabbit punch.

[B]

Your secret long range rabbit punch? What's that?

[A]

I jump outside the ring and throw Easter eggs at you.

[B]

You can't beat me, Garfield. I can. I can weave my way all around the ring. Look at the way I'm weaving right now.

[A]

Yeah, you sure can weave. All right, now put that knitting down and start fighting. Lewis is circling Garfield. He's keeping his distance. Now he's backing away. He's still backing away. Lewis is backing away. Farther. Farther. Oops. They got him just in time. He was trying to signal a taxi on 8th Avenue. I'm gonna finish you off in this round, Lewis.

[B]

Don't make me laugh. You couldn't beat me if you had the US Marines helping you.

[A]

Ready, Aim, fire. Lois is riddled with bullets.

[B]

He's falling.

[A]

He's going down. Jerry, get up. Get up, you yellow dog. What's a few bullets?

[B]

It's too late. I'm finished.

[A]

Ah. Jerry, get up. Jerry, get up. Huh?

[B]

What? Where am I? What happened?

[A]

Oh, Mr. Garfield just tapped you with the back of his hand and you fainted.

[B]

You mean I wasn't in the ring fighting all this time?

[A]

Of course not. Jerry, how do you feel, huh?

[B]

All right, I guess. Only I got a funny taste to my mouth.

[A]

What is it?

[B]

I don't know. It tastes exactly like lemon jello.

[A]

Thanks, John.

[B]

Tonight.

[A]

The Martin and Lewis show, transcribed in New York, is produced and directed. Directed by Robert L. Redd and written by Dick McKnight, Ray Allen and Roger Price. This is Wayne Howell suggesting you tune into your NBC station every Sunday evening at the same hour for the Martin and Lewis Show. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.