
Marx Brothers 35-xx-xx Hollywood Agents and Time Marxes On
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Groucho Marx
From Hollywood, California, the Hotchkiss Packing Company presents the Marx Brothers. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is Groucho Marx speaking. And already it's not such a good evening. Tonight, Chico and myself, with the help of that grand musical director, Raymond Page, bring you a slice of life in that crazy world they call Hollywood. As we drop into your home every Friday night, we're going to try to show you the unsung heroes of the motion picture business. The Hollywood agents, those theatrical representatives who get jobs for actors and actresses in the movie studios. It's about time these agents were recognized. Look at the stars they've made. Take us, for instance. Who made us what we are today? Who helped us when we were in need? Who loaned us money when we didn't have a dime? The Weston Loan Company. Have one of our bonded representatives call at your house next Monday night. And take their house away while you're having dinner. So on with the show and let the jokes have no age limit. And while Ray Page sets the scene. While Ray Page sets the scene, we'll get the theatrical office ready for our new business as Hollywood agents where everything is 10% off, including the agen. It's. And here's the office of the Square Deal Amusement Company operated by Groucho and Chico Marx, representatives of talent for the stream, sellers of sensational stars. Also headquarters for slot machines, pinball games, turkey raffles and marked cards. Here they are, Checo and Groucho. Very irksome. Very irksome. I can't understand it. We have a business. We've got a marvelous office here, but nobody comes in. I wonder why they stay away. Chico, did you put up that sign on the door?
Chico Marx
Yeah, but I couldn't find a sign that said Marks. The nearest thing I could get was a sign that said Mumps.
Groucho Marx
Fine office. Where's my secretary?
Chico Marx
Out to lunch.
Groucho Marx
What time did she leave?
Chico Marx
October.
Groucho Marx
If she's not back by next March, I'll give her two weeks notice. A fine office. Or did I say that? Chico, why don't you go out and drum up some business?
Chico Marx
I would, only I don't know what business we're in.
Groucho Marx
Why? We're Hollywood agents. We get people, jobs and pictures.
Chico Marx
Do we?
Groucho Marx
Don't change the subject.
Chico Marx
But why do we want to get our people jobs and pictures?
Groucho Marx
Well, we get 10% of their salaries.
Chico Marx
Don't we have to do anything for the money?
Groucho Marx
No, we're agents.
Chico Marx
I know, but what do we do?
Groucho Marx
Nothing. We're agents.
Chico Marx
Say, I've been an agent for years.
Groucho Marx
Of course, you should be great as a picture agent. You've never been able to get yourself a job in pictures.
Chico Marx
Well, I nearly got a job one time in a picture called the Human Race.
Groucho Marx
Yeah? What happened?
Chico Marx
Oh, they said I wasn't the type.
Groucho Marx
Well, then you certainly make a fine agent.
Chico Marx
All right. Where do you get of these people you put into pictures? How do you find actors?
Groucho Marx
Just carry a roast beef sandwich down the street and sign up anybody who snaps at her. Now, go out and sign up some stars.
Chico Marx
Say, I got a great idea. I'll get a Jean Hollow up to the office and sign her up.
Groucho Marx
Wait a minute. Jean Hollow has an agent?
Chico Marx
Yeah, but it'll be a lot of fun getting her up in the office. Say, boss, do we charge of the ladies the same 10% commission?
Groucho Marx
We take 10% of everything an actress gets.
Chico Marx
You know, I'm only afraid of one thing.
Groucho Marx
What's that?
Chico Marx
Twins.
Groucho Marx
Chico, you're a dreamer. Come on, I'll try you out as an agent. For example, if you walked into a producer's office, how would you sell them? Kate Smith. I don't know why you'd say, this little lady can sing, play the piano and in an emergency. Move it.
Chico Marx
I got the idea. Come on, try me again.
Harpo Marx
All right.
Groucho Marx
Suppose the studio calls up and wants a leading man like Clark Gable. What would you do?
Chico Marx
Well, you say this little lady can sing, play the piano in an emergency movie.
Groucho Marx
The trouble with you is you can't get your mind off Gene Harlow.
Sadie Thompson
Pardon me. Are you the Mumps Brothers?
Groucho Marx
Chico, you don't have to answer that.
Sadie Thompson
You needn't be afraid of me. I've had the mumps.
Chico Marx
Yeah, but you haven't had the Monks Brothers.
Groucho Marx
Away with false modesty. What's your name, Adam?
Sadie Thompson
Sadie Thompson.
Chico Marx
Hey, what's your racket, Ms. Thompson?
Sadie Thompson
I was in the California Company of Rain.
Groucho Marx
I don't remember that. What was it called?
Sadie Thompson
Local showers.
Groucho Marx
Enough of this pitter patter. Tell me, my little blood orange, what do you do?
Sadie Thompson
Well, you see, I can sing, play.
Groucho Marx
The piano and in an emergency movie. Ms. Thompson, you're wasting our valuable time and jokes. Would you like to sign up with us?
Sadie Thompson
I should say not. Don't you remember I was in here a month ago? I gave you my name and address, but you never got me a job. What are you going to do about it?
Groucho Marx
I'll give you back your name and address.
Sadie Thompson
Oh, gee, thanks very much. See, I think you're swell.
Harpo Marx
Oh, we're not swell.
Sadie Thompson
You're just being swell. I'll never forget you for this. I think you're both swell.
Chico Marx
Yeah, we think you're swell too.
Groucho Marx
I don't think we're nearly as swell as she is. You are, but I certainly am not.
Chico Marx
It's certainly swell of you to say that.
Sadie Thompson
Well, goodbye. It was swell seeing you.
Groucho Marx
Well, it was swell seeing you too. Swell up and see us again sometime. This is a fine location with the type of people we're getting here. Our main entrance must be on an alley. Hello, fellas. Ahren, actor. It does my nose this evening.
Chico Marx
Say, this guy looks a swell too.
Groucho Marx
No, that's not swell. It's the past tense. Swollen fighting with Cookie Johnson. Oh, another piano move. Or is it just a piano? What do you do for a living? If you call that living. I'm a radio comedian. Oh, a radio comic, eh? Well, you came to the right place. There's gonna be fireworks around here and we'll need a punk like you. Are you the man who gets people jobs and pictures? No, I'm a Hollywood agent. But this is no time for the truth. Tell me, why do you want to leave the radio to go into pictures? Well, pictures is high class. Yes, isn't they? Oh, you like that, eh?
Chico Marx
No.
Groucho Marx
Who's that? Oh, this is my partner, Chico Marks. Any relation to laundry marks? Chico, put on your brass knuckles and shake hands with Mr. Johnson.
Chico Marx
How do you do? Your name is familiar, but I don't know how to do with your face.
Groucho Marx
I got a couple of suggestions. I don't know if I want you guys for my agents. I don't know if I want an agent. You can't depend on them. I read in a paper the other day just about an agent who committed suicide by jumping off a roof. Oh, don't pay any attention to that. Why not? That was me. It was a publicity stunt. I'm getting out of here. Quick, Chick. I'll lock the door. Hey, wait a minute. One of you agents charge for commission?
Chico Marx
Well, 10% is our fee.
Groucho Marx
Well, if it's fee, why do you charge 10%? Quick, Chico, open the door.
Chico Marx
You know, I don't like him.
Groucho Marx
Another thing. How much salary will you guarantee me? Chico, get a contract ready and write in the salary we'll guarantee him.
Chico Marx
Okay. How do you spell coffee and cake?
Groucho Marx
Hey, if I'm gonna sign anything, it's got to be a legal contract. You can trust us, Mr. Johnson. We're an old established firm. We've been in this location since a quarter past seven. Here, I'll draw up the contract. How's this? Whereas you think You're a comedian. And. Whereas we think we're agents and we think we can get you a job in movies. Of course, we're not sure. Whereas for this. For this consideration, you as claimant.
Chico Marx
Whereas.
Groucho Marx
Waive retainer thereof. Whereas.
Chico Marx
What's the trouble with this country? Too many foreigners.
Groucho Marx
Let me see that contract. Hey, what do I pay you this 10% for?
Chico Marx
That's for overhead.
Groucho Marx
Yeah, but what's this other 10% for?
Chico Marx
That's for underwear.
Groucho Marx
See here. Haven't you guys got any underwear? Yes, but, you know, we live in a changing world. Now, let's get this straight right now, Mr. Marks. How much commission do you want? How much money do you need to live? Hey, wait. Here's another 10%.
Chico Marx
Yeah, that's a for overcoats.
Groucho Marx
Well, I'm not gonna sign this. Listen, Tubba Butta, when you say that, smile.
Chico Marx
Yeah. You know what happened to the last guy who didn't sign with us?
Groucho Marx
No, what? He's now a star at mgm. I'll tell you what I'll do. You get me a job for $5,000 a week, and I'll give you $50.
Chico Marx
You get us a job for $5,000 A week, and we give you $100.
Groucho Marx
Well, that seems fair enough. Fine. Sign here and we'll take you right over. We'll take you right over to Mr. Pincus's office at the Miracle Studios and get you started in a picture called Strike Me Pinkus. Okay, but you got to put a clause in the contract guaranteeing me work. All right, how's this? Whereas if we don't get you a job in four consecutive months for four consecutive jobs in one consecutive month, you're an old maid. Now sign. Now, wait a minute. Take it easy. I can't sign right away with you. You're strangers.
Chico Marx
Strangers? You're crazy. I've known Groucho for years.
Groucho Marx
Well, that's different. I'll sign. Where's your pen? Alcatraz. He doesn't. Not your home. He has a pen. He means. Here you are. Thanks. Wait. There's no pinpoint in the pen. That doesn't matter. I can't write. Then we're even. We can't read. The first time I fell in love. Then came the Depression. You know, once I built a railroad. Then I ran out of blocks. It was just before the crash. I was eating my last chicken dinner. I was the kid with the drumstick.
Harpo Marx
Then came the.
Groucho Marx
Well, the war wasn't quite that horrible. Yes, the war. And I fought and I fought, but I Had to go anyway. Before I knew it, I was in the thick of battle. And then we ran out of ammunition. All we have is some peas. So we shelled them. I'll never forget how surprised I was the day the general stood before me. He said, private Marks, I've had my eye on you for a long time. I've seen you all through your preliminary training in Groundway. And I want you to leave my wife alone. Of course I was taken aback. I was taken aback to the guard house. And when I woke up, I had a black eye. How proud I was. My face decoration. But I found they had stripped me of everything. My pride was gone, my honor was gone.
Chico Marx
Was your watch gone too?
Groucho Marx
No, but it was going. Then the armistice was declared and I crawled out of a haystack, packed up my needle and returned home. I walked into my little grey cottage and there was my w. Let me give you a rough idea of what kind of home library page has. Ah, home. I can see it now. A little rose covered cottage. And there's my wife standing at the door.
Chico Marx
Yeah, how do you know she's standing?
Groucho Marx
I sold the furniture before I left, stupid. Ah, home. What is home without a mother? Chico, I ask you, what is home without a mother?
Chico Marx
An incubator.
Groucho Marx
So when you hear it, honor. Thank you. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. That was Ms. Hollis Shaw, Chico and myself rendering one voice in two counterfeit courses of pennies from heaven. Accompanied by Raymond Page at the mighty cash register. And now, in all fairness to our real singing star, I think Ms. Hollischer should have an opportunity of winning your approval. Chico, take over.
Chico Marx
Look, everybody, listen. All of you people at the banquet tonight are in the picture business. You're always looking for new talent, and yet for right here under your nose is a great singer. Come on, give her a break and listen to her. And I tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to help a Raymond Page direct. And I show you how I would present her. This will start very soft, like a.
Groucho Marx
Summer night in maple. Ah.
Chico Marx
And then suddenly we hear the fountains in the garden. That's the violin. Then the nightingale joins with you that's.
Groucho Marx
The fruit.
Chico Marx
And the wind in the.
Groucho Marx
Trees that's of a clarinet. Have a sea.
Chico Marx
Bright moon.
Groucho Marx
And soon.
Chico Marx
The whole night is singing with you.
Groucho Marx
Time may I hid in between what has been this past forgetting when the moon sets.
Chico Marx
The nightingale sleeps.
Groucho Marx
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Groucho Marx hoping that you like the program. We'd also like to have you know that Ms. Hollis Shore is in actuality our protege. Both Chico and I feel sure that she has a great future as a singing star. We want you to know too, that we intend in all seriousness to do everything in our power to further her career. And so, my friends, for Raymond Page and myself, I say good night. Say goodnight, Chico.
Chico Marx
Good night, Chico.
Groucho Marx
Remember that the Hotchkiss Packing Company will not be responsible for any comedians left after 30 days.
Chico Marx
This is the Columbia Broadcasting Network. Leo is on the air.
Harpo Marx
Metro Golden Mayor presents hilarious highlights from and about the picture. A Day at the Races, Music, Romance. I'm crazy about you and I love you so, sweetheart. Comedy.
Groucho Marx
Henry, who was that lady I seen.
Chico Marx
You with last night?
Harpo Marx
Mother.
Groucho Marx
That wasn't old lady. That was my wife.
Harpo Marx
Time box is on. Time Marx is on with the Marx Brothers. Groucho, Tipo, Harpo. And a courteous bow to the producers of the famous radio feature the March of Time. Into the new swim last week with a resounding splash. Pop one Hugo Z. Hack and Hackinbush. Small town quack who recently nabbed the number one medical chair of the famed Standish Sanitarium. Hackenbush's triumph in plucking this juicy profession of plum brought forth not but a mixed chorus of boos and cheers. Said the anti Hackenbush faction.
Groucho Marx
Boos.
Harpo Marx
Said the pro Hackenbush element. Hooray. Woody, Unmindful of the hubbub, clever, hurt, cute Hugo Z. Hackenbush last week at his spacious officers bravely defended himself against vicious verbal attacks by medical meanies.
Groucho Marx
Tell me, Dr. Hackenbush, just what was your medical background? Medically?
Harpo Marx
Yes.
Chico Marx
Well, at the age of 15 I.
Groucho Marx
Got a job in a drugstore filling prescriptions. Don't you have to be 21 to fill prescriptions? Well, that's for grown ups.
Harpo Marx
I just fill them for children.
Groucho Marx
No, no, doctor. I mean, where did you get your experience as a physician?
Harpo Marx
Well, to begin with, I took four.
Groucho Marx
Years at Vasa NASA.
Harpo Marx
But that's a girls college.
Groucho Marx
I found that out at third year.
Harpo Marx
I'd have been there yet, but I.
Groucho Marx
Went out for the swimming team. The doctor seems reluctant to discuss his medical experiences. Well, medically, my experiences have been most unexciting. Except during the flu epidemic. And what happened? I got the flu.
Harpo Marx
Hi Marks the lawn. That Hollywood is the manufacturing center of the nation's music is a fact which can no longer be denied. The birth of radio broke the back of the phonograph record industry and the chief revenue source of the Sharps and Flat Brigade. When Hollywood found its voice, it set the cue for the first strains of the swan song of Tin Pan Alley. Songwriters suddenly awakened to one cold fact. Go Hollywood or go broke. Go over the Rockies to California or over the hill to the poor house. So to the music making motion picture mecca marched the Doremi Faso, Latito Voice, the Gershwins, the Weichmanns, the Berlins, the Porters. To turn out such hit musicals as Born to Dance, the Great Ziegfeld and Broadway Melody. Hollywood now supplies America with 90% of the total volume of song hits. No secret is the fact that funny man Harpo Marx has never in his celebrated stage in screen career uttered a solitary word for public consumption. Nary a syllable has he spake. Proof indeed that silence indeed is indeed golden. Last week, however, came the millennium as Harpo broke a tradition of years and agreed to speak over the radio. A thrilled audience sat tense and nervous as Harpo and his interviewer approached the microphone in the studios of XKBYRV tv. In the control room, a red light flash. History in the making. Harpo on the air.
Chico Marx
Mr. Marks, this is a great occasion for me. Never in your career have you uttered one word from sty your screen. And just think now I, who all the boys used to call stink, am to be the first person to interview you. First I'd like you to tell our great unseen audience something about your new picture, a diaphragis.
Harpo Marx
We're waiting, Mr. Marks.
Chico Marx
Thank you, Mr. Marx.
Harpo Marx
Thank you, Mr. Interviewer. And as Harpo Marx is out. Time marks. And on throughout American key cities during the coming fortnight, loud hazanas will greet the initial showing of A Day at the Races. Thrilled audiences will chuckle to flee at the superb comedy of the brothers. Marks applaud enthusiastically at the singing of Alan Jones Crystal in amazement at lavish production numbers as patrons sated with entertainment emerged from a famous Hollywood theater after witnessing a preview of the Marx brothers opus. They were the subjects of radio's newest broadcasting stunt. The roving reporter with the lapel microphone picking patrons of Random reporter Elias Substation X, K V Y R V TD buttonholes and for opinions of musical pictures.
Groucho Marx
Good evening, ma'am. Would you mind telling us in a.
Harpo Marx
Few words what you thought of a.
Groucho Marx
Day at the races? Yo CRE?
Sadie Thompson
O que la telicula de Hermanos Marx.
Harpo Marx
Un dian las carveras et la mas comica que 10 ido gusto de ver? Mmm, very interesting, I hope. And you, sir, may we have your opinion? Quite true, quite true. And the young lady with a little dog, will you say a few words? About the picture. Okay, lady, okay, no offense meant. Ah, here's my old friend, Mr. Christophoulos Papadopoulos. How about a little statement for us, Pop?
Chico Marx
I thought it was magnificent entertainment.
Harpo Marx
Beautifully conceived, handsomely produced, intelligently presented and fairly sparkling with the most effective comedy since the last election.
Chico Marx
In my opinion, if anything is better.
Harpo Marx
Than A Night at the Opera, it.
Chico Marx
Is Groucho, Chico, Oppo, Alan Jones and.
Harpo Marx
Maureen O'Sullivan in A Day at the Races. Thank you, Mr. Papadopoulos. Time Marx is on this program. In addition to the gnashing of the teeth of the producers of the justly famous March of Time, you have heard the Marx Brothers, Groucho Chico Harpo and the music of the Metro Golden Mayor Orchestra under the direction of Franz Watson.
Chico Marx
And a blue fun mix in the water together.
Harpo Marx
Well, Hidey Heidi.
Chico Marx
Hi, Gary. Fruitsy ice cream.
Groucho Marx
I got a message from the man.
Harpo Marx
On the moon for you. Just you Time Mark Salon Leave the setting Monster.
Groucho Marx
Sa.
Podcast Summary: "Marx Brothers 35-xx-xx Hollywood Agents and Time Marxes On" Harold's Old Time Radio – Released January 24, 2025
In the January 24, 2025 episode of Harold's Old Time Radio, titled "Marx Brothers 35-xx-xx Hollywood Agents and Time Marxes On," listeners are transported back to the Golden Age of Radio. This episode spotlights the legendary Marx Brothers—Groucho, Chico, and Harpo—portraying Hollywood agents navigating the comedic chaos of the motion picture industry. Through sharp wit and timeless humor, the episode offers both nostalgia and insight into the bygone era when families gathered around their radios to enjoy shows like The Shadow, Abbott & Costello, and Dragnet.
The episode unfolds with Groucho Marx introducing himself and Chico as representatives of the Square Deal Amusement Company, a mock Hollywood agency responsible for "sellers of sensational stars." The brothers humorously depict the challenges of running a talent agency, highlighting the ineptitude and absurdities often found within Hollywood.
Key Segments:
Establishing the Agency (00:19 - 03:54):
Defining Their Role (03:42 - 06:58):
Encounter with Sadie Thompson (06:50 - 07:56):
Dealing with Mr. Johnson (07:27 - 10:31):
Groucho’s Monologue (10:31 - 13:10):
Promoting Ms. Hollis Shaw (13:10 - 19:23):
Satirical News Segment (19:23 - 26:25):
Groucho Marx (00:19):
"Look at the stars they've made. Take us, for instance. Who made us what we are today?"
(00:19)
Chico Marx (03:20):
"Yeah, but I couldn't find a sign that said Marks. The nearest thing I could get was a sign that said Mumps."
(03:20)
Groucho Marx (05:07):
"We take 10% of everything an actress gets."
(05:07)
Chico Marx (05:11):
"Don't we have to do anything for the money?"
(05:11)
Groucho Marx (08:07):
"I read in a paper the other day just about an agent who committed suicide by jumping off a roof. Oh, don't pay any attention to that. Why not? That was me. It was a publicity stunt."
(08:07)
Chico Marx (12:40):
"Was your watch gone too?"
(12:40)
Groucho Marx (13:10):
"So when you hear it, honor. Thank you."
(13:10)
Chico Marx (25:02):
"In my opinion, if anything is better."
(25:02)
Groucho Marx (26:09):
"I got a message from the man on the moon for you."
(26:09)
Satire of Hollywood and Talent Agencies:
Comedy Through Character Dynamics:
Absurdity and Wordplay:
Nostalgia for the Golden Age of Radio:
Critique of Commercialism:
The "Marx Brothers 35-xx-xx Hollywood Agents and Time Marxes On" episode of Harold's Old Time Radio masterfully intertwines classic Marx Brothers humor with a satirical take on the Hollywood film industry. By portraying Groucho, Chico, and Harpo as inept Hollywood agents, the episode not only entertains but also offers a humorous critique of the entertainment business's inner workings. Notable for its clever dialogue, memorable quotes, and faithful replication of the Golden Age radio format, this episode serves as a delightful homage to one of comedy's greatest trios while providing insightful reflections on fame, talent, and the pursuit of success in Hollywood.
Listening Recommendation: For fans of classic comedy and vintage radio shows, this episode is a must-listen. Its rich humor, engaging characters, and nostalgic ambiance make it both an entertaining and enlightening experience for those looking to reminisce or discover the charm of old-time radio.