Marx Brothers xx-xx-xx Attorney-at-Law with Bing Crosby

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Marx Brothers xx-xx-xx Attorney-at-Law with Bing Crosby"

Podcast Information:

• Title: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Host/Author: Harolds Old Time Radio
• Episode: Marx Brothers xx-xx-xx Attorney-at-Law with Bing Crosby
• Release Date: May 24, 2025

---

Episode Overview

In this entertaining episode of Harold's Old Time Radio, listeners are transported back to the Golden Age of Radio, featuring a spirited courtroom skit starring the iconic Marx Brothers alongside the legendary Bing Crosby. The episode, titled "Attorney-at-Law," seamlessly blends sharp wit, comedic timing, and classic radio banter to deliver a memorable performance that harkens back to a time when families gathered around the radio for shared entertainment.

Main Characters

• Bing Crosby as Attorney Crosby: Portrayed as a suave yet comedic barrister navigating a frivolous lawsuit.
• Geissler (Played by a Marx Brother): A whimsical lawyer representing the plaintiff, Ms. Wardcrunchal.
• Lana: The plaintiff, whose grievances drive the courtroom antics.

Setting the Scene

The episode opens with an advertisement, which is promptly bypassed as Attorney Crosby makes his entrance into the courtroom.

Notable Quote:

Crosby [00:20]: "No applause, please. I'm not here as an actor. I'm here as a barrister. My card, Crosby. Read it and give it back. I don't want to spoil the day."

The Lawsuit Unfolds

Geissler arrives to represent Ms. Wardcrunchal, who is suing Crosby for $50,000 over an alleged incident involving mud splashed on her. The exchange quickly reveals the comedic tension between the two attorneys as they navigate the absurdities of the case.

Notable Quote:

Geissler [00:28]: "Hey, quite a law firm you have here. Mulholland, Crenshaw, Adams, Fairfax, Wilshire and Losienega."

Negotiations and Disputes

The negotiation between Crosby and Geissler becomes increasingly humorous as Crosby attempts to downplay the situation, claiming to have mistaken identities and questioning the legitimacy of the lawsuit.

Notable Quote:

Crosby [01:01]: "You haven't got it on you. I have the wrong Crosby. And I understand there is a wrong Crosby."

Geissler counters by challenging Crosby's credibility, leading to a back-and-forth filled with wordplay and comedic misunderstandings.

Notable Quote:

Geissler [01:24]: "You want to shorten it down and try a different way."

Character Antics and Humor

As the case progresses, Crosby reveals more eccentricities, such as having a motorman for a secretary and wearing unusual attire, further fueling the comedy.

Notable Quote:

Crosby [02:24]: "I don't know any sponsor. And if I did, I'd have a show of my own. Phil Harris has two shows. What have I got? An office on a streetcar and a bucket full of mud."

Geissler attempts to maintain professionalism amidst the chaos, but Crosby's antics make it clear that this is no ordinary courtroom drama.

Notable Quote:

Geissler [02:48]: "This entire case is a fraud. If I were wearing a frock coat and spats on Vine Street, I'd have them on now, wouldn't I?"

The Plaintiff's Testimony

Lana, the plaintiff, is called to testify. Her portrayal adds another layer of humor as both attorneys vie for her favor, each presenting her in exaggerated lights to support their respective cases.

Notable Quote:

Lana [03:06]: "The name. The name is war crunch. On, Mr. Geesler."

Crosby’s attempts to downplay his involvement and Geissler’s insistence on the facts create a delightful tug-of-war.

Climactic Exchanges

The tension escalates as Crosby introduces dramatic claims about Lana's long-awaited marriage to Lionel, painting himself as the villain who thwarted her plans.

Notable Quote:

Crosby [05:02]: "Between you and Mother Nature, you've ruined this young girl's life. And this girl is an Ingrid Bergman by a long shot."

Geissler counters with promises to rectify the situation, offering to dismiss the case in exchange for monetary compensation.

Notable Quote:

Geissler [05:08]: "If you'll dismiss the whole thing, I'll be glad to buy a new dress for this charming young lady."

Resolution and Conclusion

The episode culminates in a comedic standoff where both attorneys attempt to one-up each other, culminating in Crosby's humorous demand for repayment for the mud incident.

Notable Quote:

Crosby [06:43]: "And that's just what I'm gonna take."

Lana [06:44]: "Oh, no, you won't. You said we'd hook Crosby for plenty."

As Crosby exits the courtroom, the absurdity of the entire proceedings is underscored, leaving listeners both amused and entertained.

Final Remarks

The episode wraps up with another advertisement, maintaining the classic radio structure while ensuring the focus remains on the engaging courtroom drama.

Notable Quote:

Expedia Advertiser [07:06]: "We hope that you've enjoyed this recording. And for more happy listening, please visit otrcat.com packages by Expedia. You were made to be rechargeable. We were made to package flights, hotels and hammocks for less. Expedia. Made to travel."

Key Takeaways

• Humorous Legal Battle: The interplay between Crosby and Geissler showcases the timeless appeal of witty banter and comedic conflict.
• Character Dynamics: The exaggerated personalities of the characters amplify the humor, making the episode a delightful homage to classic radio plays.
• Engaging Storyline: Despite its comedic nature, the episode maintains a coherent narrative that keeps listeners engaged from start to finish.

This episode of Harold's Old Time Radio perfectly encapsulates the charm and humor of the Golden Age of Radio, offering both nostalgia for longtime fans and entertainment for new listeners.

Transcript

[Expedia Advertiser]

Trip Planner by Expedia. You were made to have strong opinions about sand. We were made to help you and your friends find a place on the beach with a pool and a marina and a waterfall and a soaking tub. Expedia. Made to travel.

[Crosby]

No applause, please. I'm not here as an actor. I'm here as a barrister. My card, Crosby. Read it and give it back. I don't want to spoil the day.

[Geissler]

Hey, quite a law firm you have here. Mulholland, Crenshaw, Adams, Fairfax, Wilshire and Losienega.

[Crosby]

Where do you come in between Melrose and Franklin? On the streetcar.

[Geissler]

Where's your office?

[Crosby]

On the streetcar I came up here on. And if you think having a motorman for a secretary is any fun, you just try it sometime. Couldn't even get him to take off his gloves. Now, let's get down to business. Crosby, my client, Ms. Wardcrunchal, is suing you for $50,000.

[Geissler]

Now, wait a minute.

[Crosby]

All right, we'll settle for 40.

[Geissler]

$40,000.

[Crosby]

You haven't got it on you. I have the wrong Crosby. And I understand there is a wrong Crosby.

[Geissler]

104% right. You must mean Brother Everett.

[Crosby]

But I mean Gummo.

[Geissler]

Before I part with this kind of tin, don't you think it would be all right? Or would you consider me impertinent? Would you? This is quite a word here. Impertinent.

[Crosby]

You want to shorten it down and try a different way.

[Geissler]

I'm doing a small durante on this word. Would I be impertinent if I asked you why?

[Crosby]

Well, but only one question to a defendant. That took care of my answer. Now answer this. Now answer this question. Did you or did you not drive recklessly down Hollywood Boulevard on your way to the studio this afternoon?

[Geissler]

No, I drove very cautiously down Sunset.

[Crosby]

42 paid witnesses can't be wrong. You came down Hollywood Boulevard and when you turn on the vine street, you splash mud all over my client.

[Geissler]

Mud? Where would you get mud on Vine Street?

[Crosby]

I get it from a fellow who's got a datey mind. Have a mind where I get my mud. And you were driving recklessly.

[Geissler]

What was I driving?

[Crosby]

It was either a Cadillac convertible or a Filco console. But that's not important.

[Geissler]

You don't know my sponsor.

[Crosby]

I don't know any sponsor. And if I did, I'd have a show of my own. Phil Harris has two shows. What have I got? An office on a streetcar and a bucket full of mud.

[Geissler]

I don't want to get entangled at any litigation here. So produce Your client. If she can identify me, I'll be glad to make reparations. But frankly, I don't think she has a leg to stand on.

[Crosby]

Frankly, I don't know. I've never seen her in a short dress. Oh, Ms. Crunch Waddle.

[Lana]

The name. The name is war crunch. On, Mr. Geesler.

[Geissler]

Did you tell her you were Jerry Geissler?

[Lana]

Shh.

[Crosby]

I get a much bigger fee that way. And if you keep your mouth shut and pay off, I'll split it with you.

[Geissler]

Crosby.

[Crosby]

Now, Ms. Ward Crunchle, what's your first name?

[Lana]

Lana.

[Crosby]

Lana. Lana. What hollow mockery. Is Crosby here the man who splashed you?

[Lana]

Yes, that's the man. He was wearing a gray homburg hat, a frock coat, an ascot tie, striped trousers and spats.

[Geissler]

Boy, have you got the wrong man.

[Crosby]

Don't be too sure. Now, Lana, when this man passed you in his car, was he also wearing a diamond stick pin?

[Lana]

I'm not sure. About that time, if you remember, you hit me in the face with the mud.

[Geissler]

This entire case is a fraud. If I were wearing a frock coat and spats on Vine Street, I'd have them on now, wouldn't I?

[Crosby]

Not necessarily. I was wearing a nightgown last night, but I haven't got it on now.

[Geissler]

It's a matter of opinion.

[Crosby]

You threw your suit away so you couldn't be identified.

[Geissler]

I did not.

[Crosby]

Then why are you standing there in your underwear?

[Geissler]

It's not my underwear. I bought it from Ma Perkins.

[Crosby]

Must be mighty breezy right now around the old gal, huh?

[Geissler]

Wait a minute. You can't even prove that this girl was standing on the corner.

[Crosby]

Not only can I prove that she was standing there, but I'll prove that she was stamping her feet.

[Geissler]

What is she stamping her feet for?

[Crosby]

She was sending them to Sears Roebuck to get a new pair of shoes. How we fought over that joke, huh?

[Geissler]

Wish that a one. If you'll dismiss the whole thing, I'll be glad to buy a new dress for this charming young lady.

[Crosby]

Charming young lady? I'll lay you eight to five she's none of the three.

[Lana]

What about my damages?

[Crosby]

You've got enough damages. What you need is repairs.

[Geissler]

All right, then, shall we. Shall we say $45, Groucho?

[Crosby]

$45? That won't even keep me in saddle soap for my briefcase. Between you and Mother Nature, you've ruined this young girl's life. And this girl is an Ingrid Bergman by a long shot. And speaking of long shots, Lana, I'm afraid you'll never make the bridal pair.

[Lana]

Well, what about Lionel?

[Geissler]

Lionel? Who's he?

[Crosby]

The man she was betrothed to. She was going to marry this afternoon.

[Geissler]

Ah, the plot thickens.

[Crosby]

She was on her way downtown to get married. As a matter of fact, she was waiting for my office to come by.

[Lana]

For 20 years I've been trying to trap Lionel.

[Crosby]

Think of how this will sound in front of a jury, Crosby. If they're still awake. 20 years she waits to snag a man, and when she finally gets him cornered, you splash mud on her and he jilts her.

[Geissler]

Oh, I'm a beast.

[Crosby]

Speaking of beast, let's get back to my client. 20 long years she waited for Lionel.

[Geissler]

Well, where was he all that time?

[Crosby]

He was in bed with a very bad haircut. He got mixed up in a clip joint. And now, because of you, this girl will have to spend the rest of her life sitting at home twiddling her thumbs up. And there's nothing more disgusting than a pair of twiddle thumbs.

[Geissler]

Now, hold on.

[Crosby]

I'd like to see Skitch Henderson play the piano with twiddle thumbs. I'd like to see a tabby play that way. Come to think of it, I'd like to see a tabby. He owes me 20 smackers.

[Geissler]

20 smackers? Well, now, that's a nice round figure. And that's just what I'm gonna give you.

[Crosby]

And that's just what I'm gonna take.

[Lana]

Oh, no, you won't. You said we'd hook Crosby for plenty.

[Crosby]

That's the trouble with you girls around Hollywood. Framing celebrities, splashing mud on your dress, hiring a cheap shyster lawyer. Now go before I set the dogs on you. But before you go, I want to say one thing to you. You owe me 85 cents for the mud.

[Expedia Advertiser]

We hope that you've enjoyed this recording. And for more happy listening, please visit otrcat.com packages by Expedia. You were made to be rechargeable. We were made to package flights, hotels and hammocks for less. Expedia. Made to travel.