Mirth And Madness 19xx.xx.xx Lil Wants To Go

Summary

Podcast Summary: “Mirth And Madness – Lil Wants To Go”

Harold's Old Time Radio | October 15, 2025

---

Episode Overview

This episode features an installment of “At Home with the Kirkwoods,” a warm, comedic slice-of-life show from the Golden Age of Radio. The story revolves around the everyday experiences and gentle bickering of Jack and Lil Kirkwood, an average couple living on a quiet street in Hollywood, their quirky relatives, and nosy neighbors. This particular episode, “Lil Wants To Go,” centers on Lil’s desire to get out of the house for a night at the movies, and the playful, chaotic mishaps that ensue as the couple try (and nearly fail) to make it happen.

---

Key Discussion Points & Events

1. A Cozy Evening Interrupted (00:01–05:25)

• The curtain opens with a scene of suburban tranquility, as Lil invites Jack to join her on the porch. He reluctantly agrees, playfully protesting.
• The mood is interrupted by everyday distractions—Jack’s rediscovery of a childhood bean shooter and mild marital banter.
• Lil brings up a letter from Aunt Agnes, who assumes their Hollywood life is filled with glamorous celebrity encounters. Jack jokes about it:

  “I've lived here for 20 years. I've never even seen a movie star yet.” (03:32, Jack)

2. The Spark to Leave the House (05:25–07:43)

• Lil laments their uneventful life and compares them to their more "cultured" neighbors.
• She pushes Jack to go out for the evening, suggesting a movie. He resists, citing fatigue and the small annoyances of preparing for a night out.

3. Uncle Elmo’s Visit (07:43–13:39)

• Uncle Elmo bursts in, full of comic energy, eager to show off his risqué new hand-painted necktie and recount tales of his blossoming romance with Widow Griswold.
• The family dynamics are highlighted through Elmo’s reminiscences of “Uncle Ben” and quirky requests—like borrowing a "dicky" (formal shirt front) and some Kleenex for a dramatic comb-solo.
• Lil and Jack good-naturedly attend to his tales and eccentricities.
• Memorable quote:

  “Just ‘cause there’s snow on the roof, there ain’t no sign the fire’s going out inside.” (11:34, Uncle Elmo)

4. A Visit from the New Neighbor (12:15–13:39)

• “Yuki,” the new neighbor, introduces himself and humorously tries to pitch his acting skills in hopes of landing a bit part in Hollywood.
• When Jack offers him “two bits” to get started, Yuki rolls with the bit, auditioning an over-the-top dramatic scene.
• Jack ends the interaction with a pun:

  “Can you get up?” / “Yeah.” / “Then go.” (13:22, Jack & Yuki)

5. Getting Dressed and More Distractions (13:39–15:09)

• Jack finally gets ready for the date, only for more disruption as the neighbors—the boisterous Bingo Truscan and his wife Naomi—arrive, much to Jack’s dismay.
• Jack and Lil’s attempts to slip out are foiled; their escape is delayed by their guests.

6. Neighborly Aggravation: Bingo and Naomi Stay Too Long (15:09–18:52)

• Bingo and Naomi dominate the conversation with stories—Bingo’s about his son, Naomi’s about her operation.
• Jack’s internal frustration simmers with his signature sarcastic wit:

  "I’m suffering now." (17:28, Jack)

• Eventually, Lil and Jack politely usher their guests out the door—a scene played out with escalating farce.

7. Finally at the Movies – Mishaps in the Dark (18:52–25:23)

• Lil and Jack make it to the packed theater, only to endure more misadventure—bad seats, lost gloves, and Jack getting stuck under the seats while searching.
• A series of slapstick encounters with fellow moviegoers and Jack’s loud commentary disrupt the screening, earning him a confrontation with an usher.

8. Aftermath and Nightcap at Home (26:01–30:57)

• Back at home, Lil saves Jack from being thrown out of the theater, and they share affectionate banter about his “tough-guy” talk versus reality.

  “Did I ever hit anybody? Gee, I don’t remember.” (27:17, Jack)

• Uncle Elmo, having fallen asleep in the Kirkwood kitchen, delivers his final non-sequitur wisdom as Jack shoos him out.
• In a closing scene, a mysterious man inquires about the supposedly haunted house across the street, adding a small comic twist.

9. The Episode’s Closing Sentiment

• Lil reflects on the need to “lie” to Aunt Agnes about seeing movie stars yet again.
• The episode concludes with the Kirkwoods reaffirming their imperfect but loving marriage, signing off for another week.

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Domestic Realism & Gentle Wit
  • “We never go anywhere. Now you take Mr. and Mrs. Fosquit across the street…” (05:07, Lil)
  • “Hey look, Lil—no hands. That takes control.” (05:25, Jack)
• Uncle Elmo’s Colorful Wisdom
  • “Just ‘cause there’s snow on the roof, there ain’t no sign the fire’s going out inside.” (11:34)
  • “I promised my date I'd do a comb solo for her.” (09:49)
• The New Neighbor’s Hollywood Dreams
  • “MGM's new star is Yuki… rhymes with—no, I can't say it.” (12:59, Yuki)
• Frustration at the Movies
  • “Why do we always have to get seats way over on the side like this? We wait a stinking hour…” (20:59, Jack)
  • “Lil, is that you? …If you don’t go away, I’ll call an usher!” (25:23 & 25:25, Jack and unknown woman)
• Endearing Marital Ribbing
  • “Of all the men you threatened to poke in the nose… were laid end to end… did you ever really hit anybody?” (27:07, Lil)
• Charming Closure
  • “Good night, you silly old fool.” (30:48, Lil)
  • “Good night, honey.” (30:57, Jack)

---

Timestamps for Major Segments

• Porch Conversation & Distractions: 00:01–05:25
• The Discussion to Go Out: 05:25–07:43
• Uncle Elmo's Visit: 07:43–13:39
• Yuki’s Audition: 12:15–13:39
• Getting Ready & Arrival of Bingo and Naomi: 13:39–15:09
• Neighborly Visit—Bingo & Naomi: 15:09–18:52
• Theater Mayhem: 18:52–25:23
• Nighttime Wrap-up & Home Again: 26:01–30:57

---

Tone and Style

True to old-time radio, the episode is gentle, affectionate, and filled with observational humor rooted in everyday life. The comedic tone mixes verbal wit, slapstick, and knowing commentary on marriage, family, and neighborly trials.

---

In Summary

This episode beautifully illustrates the minor triumphs, foibles, and affections of mid-century American domestic life. Highly relatable (and still very funny), “Lil Wants To Go” is ultimately a celebration of family, community, and the comic inevitability that even the simplest plans rarely go off without a hitch.

Transcript

[A]

Member week is here at Lowe's. That means it's time for my Lowe's Rewards members to save big with up to 40% off hundreds of items like appliances, tools, home essentials and more. Plus, get free standard shipping. Shop these exclusive member only savings now through October 15th. Not a rewards member. Join for free today. Free Standard shipping not available in Alaska and Hawaii. Exclusions and more terms apply. Loyalty programs subject to terms and conditions. Details@lowe's.com Terms subject to change at home with the Kirkwoods. This is the story of the Kirkwoods, an average American family. And the things that happen to them might happen to you and me. It's early evening. A warm breeze rustles through the tall pepper trees that line Quincy street, one of the small, unglamorous back streets of residential Hollywood. Men in shirt sleeves water their lawns in front of white stucco bungalows and in the backyards, their wives gossip over picket fences. At number 44 Quincy street, the dinner house is settled comfortably in the porch swing, a pair of knitting needles in her lap. From time to time, she leans forward and glances into the house. Finally, she.

[B]

Jack? Jack. Jack.

[C]

What?

[B]

Aren't you coming out on the porch?

[A]

I'm comfortable in here.

[B]

You'll fall asleep again. Come on out on the porch.

[A]

I'm just resting.

[B]

You can rest out here just as well and keep me company.

[A]

All right, all right. I'm here.

[B]

Well, just don't stand there with your hands in your pockets.

[A]

What do you want to do, play catch?

[B]

Sit down here.

[A]

All right.

[B]

What's the matter?

[A]

Where did this come from?

[B]

Oh, don't get so excited. It's just a bean shooter. The little boy next door must have forgotten it.

[A]

Bag of beans here, too. You know, I haven't seen one of these bean shooters since I was a kid.

[B]

What were you looking for in the cupboard?

[A]

Me?

[B]

I heard you. Your brother drank it all the last time he was here.

[A]

I wasn't looking for that.

[B]

What were you looking for then? What was that?

[A]

I just shot a beam. I hit the mailbox. Look.

[B]

Oh, for heaven's sake, put that bean shooter away. Now, where did I put that? Oh, here it is.

[A]

Here what is?

[B]

The letter we got today from Aunt Agnes.

[A]

Oh. And what does Aunt Aggie have to say for.

[B]

Oh, nothing much, really. They're all well and happy. And of course, she wants to know what movie stars we've seen lately.

[A]

Oh, Lil, why don't you write and tell her the truth?

[B]

Oh, Jack, you know how they are back home. They think just because we live in Hollywood we rub elbows with movie stars every time we step out of the house.

[A]

I've lived here for 20 years. I've never even seen a movie star yet. I. I beg your pardon, old man. Yeah, what is it? I must apologize for walking up from the street this way, old boy, but I wonder if I might trouble you for a match. I seem to have come out without any. No trouble at all. There you are. That's all right, old man. Keep them. I say, that's awfully decent of you, old chap. It's all right, Benita. I found some. Oh, thank you so much for your kindness. There's a far, far better thing you do than I have ever done. Well, Jerry Ho, so on.

[B]

He was a nice, polite man.

[A]

Yeah. His face sure looked familiar, too. I think I met him someplace before. Oh, well.

[B]

Dear, can't you think of anything better to do than shoot beans at the mailbox?

[A]

What's the matter with that?

[B]

I never get to talk to you anymore. In the morning, you bury your nose in the paper, woof down your breakfast and rush off to work. At night, you come home, wolf down your dinner, read the evening paper and fall asleep on the couch. Double barrel. And we never go anywhere or do anything. Now, you take Mr. And Mrs. Fosquit across the street.

[A]

Oh, yes. Never go anywhere. Never do anything.

[B]

They're always doing something. Even when they spend an evening at home. They listen to classical music or discuss plays and books or work on their stamp collection. What do we do?

[A]

Hey, look, Lil, no hands. That takes control.

[B]

I think it would be nice if we took up a hobby. Haven't you ever wanted a hobby?

[A]

I had a hobby once.

[B]

Collecting carts is not my idea of a hobby.

[A]

Move your feet a little. I want to draw a beat on the milk bottles.

[B]

No, now, really.

[A]

I didn't allow for the wind. Oh, nuts. Don't tell me that half wit next door is going to start practicing again.

[C]

No.

[B]

Don't be so grouchy. He isn't bothering.

[A]

What business does he have playing a flute?

[B]

Why not? He's from a very musical family.

[A]

His old man got punched in the nose by Tommy Dorsey once. So he comes from a musical family.

[B]

Oh, never mind. Look, I've been thinking.

[A]

What with? What about?

[B]

Why don't we go to a show? It's still early.

[A]

A show? Tonight? Oh, Lil, I'm tired. Besides, I ate too much.

[B]

Oh, you always say that. Whenever I try to get you out of the house.

[A]

I'd have to shave and change clothes.

[B]

Too much to ask.

[A]

Oh, I wish that food player would drop dead. All he does is play up the scale.

[B]

You see, he can go down the scale too.

[A]

He probably heard me. I wish he'd go sideways.

[B]

Oh, come on, Jack, let's go to a show.

[A]

Oh, do we have to go tonight?

[B]

You say that every night.

[A]

The way you talk, you think we never went to a show. We went only last week.

[B]

We did not.

[A]

We did so.

[B]

We did not.

[A]

We did too go to a show last week.

[B]

We did not go to a show last week.

[A]

We did too go to a show last week.

[B]

We did not go to a show last week.

[A]

We did not go to a show last week.

[B]

We did not go to a show.

[A]

We did not go to a show last week.

[B]

We did not go to a show.

[A]

We did go to a show last week.

[B]

For goodness sake, not so fast.

[A]

Ah, shut up. I ought to go over and poke that guy right in the nose. Got him.

[B]

Are you or are you not going to take me to a show tonight?

[A]

Oh, all right. I'll go upstairs and get dressed. Might as well put on my new suit. Uh oh. Company.

[B]

Who? I don't see anyone.

[C]

Boo. Surprised you, didn't I? I got on my new sneakers.

[B]

Well, Uncle Elmo, what brings you out tonight?

[C]

Nothing much, Lily. Hiya, Jackie.

[A]

Hello, Uncle.

[C]

Just thought I'd drop by on my way home. Can't stay but a minute. Got my scooter bike parked in front of the fire hydrant. I say, Jackie. Speak up, Sonny. Don't mumble. Can't hear a word you say.

[A]

I didn't say anything, uncle.

[C]

That's all. Well, good for you, Sonny. Yes, I've been shopping all afternoon. Lily, move over, let your uncle sit down.

[B]

So you went shopping, huh?

[C]

So did I. Bought me one of those hand painted neckties. Real fancy, you know. Got a picture of a lady on it. And between you and me, sis, she ain't got much clothes on. What say, Jackie?

[A]

Nothing.

[B]

So you came over to show us your brand new hand painted necktie? Aw, that was nice, Uncle Elmo.

[C]

Well, if you insist. But don't put any ice in mine, eh, Jackie?

[B]

No, Uncle Elmo. I sand paint.

[C]

Hey Jackie, what I come over for? I want to. You can let me borrow your dicky. I got a heavy date tomorrow night. You know, formal and everything. Gotta have a dicky. Uncle Ben stole mine. You remember Uncle Ben, Lily? Why, my brother.

[B]

Yeah, yes, of course.

[C]

Oh now, sure you do. Think back, Lily. He's your uncle too. My brother Ben.

[B]

Ben. Yes, I know.

[C]

Oh, it was a sneaky type. You remember Uncle Ben, my brother. Don't you, Jackie?

[A]

Oh, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

[C]

Yeah, that's right.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Jack remembers Uncle Ben. Now, what about the dickie?

[A]

Well, I'll be glad to let you have it, Uncle Elmo.

[C]

No, I don't eat anything else. Thanks just the same. Oh, I would appreciate a few pieces of Kleenex.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Promised my date I'd do a comb solo for her. Don't have what generally. Oh.

[B]

So you're going out tomorrow night, are you?

[C]

You are? Well, so am I. Going to dance with Widow Griswold. You know the Widow Griswold? Real sweet number. Has a she. Sure. I'm never sure what is. Fetch me that dicky with us, honey.

[A]

The widow's very young, isn't she?

[C]

She has don't show a bit. Leastwise I never noticed it.

[A]

No, no, I say she's very young.

[C]

Oh, 28. Told me so herself last night while we were spending a musical evening at a trailer. She plays a real nice sweet potato, you know?

[A]

Sweet potato?

[C]

Yeah. I brought my fiddle.

[A]

Sounds like a large evening.

[C]

No, had a mighty nice time. Yeah, she'd tweet a while and then I'd fiddle. What with tweeting and fiddle? We had a fine evening. Little fine skull on Eloise. Oh, lots of spirit. Like it with a lot of spirit. Got that gleam in her eye too, you know. Told her that look in her eye reminded me of a pant that chasing a flock of sheep.

[B]

And what did she say, Uncle Elmo?

[C]

Nothing. She just pinched my cheek and snapped my bow tie. Almost knocked me to my knees.

[A]

Wish it had.

[C]

Yes, I got a lot of snap left in my bow tie. A lot of snap.

[A]

Oh, brother.

[C]

What say, Jackie?

[A]

Nothing.

[C]

What's wrong with me dating the young widow?

[A]

Aren't you swinging after the ball's gone past?

[C]

Remember the old saying, sonny? Just course there's snow on the roof. There ain't no sign the fire's going out inside.

[A]

All right, I'll get the dicky thing.

[C]

I say just because. I know, I know.

[A]

I heard you. Back in a few minutes.

[C]

You know him, Lily?

[B]

What's that, Uncle Elmo?

[C]

You ought to get one of them hearing aids for Jackie. I think the boy's going deep on us.

[A]

Come in.

[C]

Yeah?

[A]

Oh, hi. I'm Yuki. Have you tried penicillin?

[C]

That's my name, Yuki. See, I'm your new next door neighbor.

[A]

Oh, I see. That's an odd name you've got. Well, you see, I can explain. See, when I was a kid, I played the Ukulele. So they called me Yuki. Oh. When I was a kid, I played the clarinet. Oh. How are you, Clara? Good. Well, look, I'm a little busy right now. You know what? I thought that maybe you can tell me how to get a bit part and pictures, you know, just for a start. Oh, well, I can do better than that. You mean more than a bit to start? Yeah. Here's two bits. Get started. I can see it now. MGM's new star is Yuki. Yuki.

[C]

Rhymes with.

[A]

No, I can't say it. Like shooting a sitter. Well, get around to me doing drama. This is real good drama. Good.

[C]

I didn't do it, I tell you. I didn't do it.

[A]

You can't make me burn.

[C]

I'm not guilty.

[A]

Do you understand?

[C]

Not guilty.

[A]

How's that? I hope you got some relatives on the jury. You know, I'm not very easily discouraged. I'm a guy with a lot of.

[C]

Get up and go.

[A]

Can you get up?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Then go. Yes. Thanks.

[B]

Well, here I am. I was in the kitchen getting Uncle Elmo something to eat.

[A]

I thought he had to go right home. Well, how do I look?

[C]

Not bad.

[B]

Not bad at all. You know, there are times when I realized why I married you.

[A]

How do you like that? A double breasted pinstripe and she falls at my feet.

[B]

Well, what's that bump in your. Jack, you cannot take that bean shooter to the movie.

[A]

Oh, darn it. Hey, hey, hey, what's that, dear?

[B]

Uncle Elmo said he was hungry for hard boiled eggs.

[A]

Oh, well, we got plenty of eggs. Let him have his fun.

[B]

Jack. Help me with my coat, honey.

[A]

Okay. So long, Unc. I'll leave the dicky here on the dining room table.

[B]

Good night, Uncle Elmo. Don't forget to lock the door when you go out.

[C]

Okay, Lily, I'll put the cat out.

[A]

Yeah. Good night, Uncle. Well, at least he won't find anything in the cupboard.

[C]

I know. Your brother drank it all up.

[A]

Well, let's get going. Say, you know, I'm kind of glad you talked me into this. Now that I'm shaved and dressed. Oh, oh, oh, oh. A car stopped out in front. It sounds like that Truskill. Quick, close the door. Turn out the lights. Maybe they'll go away.

[B]

Oh, it's too late now, Jack. We'll have to let them in.

[A]

Oh, we'll never get to that dog gone show. They'll stay for hours. I can't stand that Bingo Truscan.

[B]

Oh, Bingo's not bad.

[A]

All that half wit ever does is talk about that Egghead kid of theirs with snapshots yet. And Naomi, all she ever talks about is her operation and how lousy she feels.

[B]

Jack, be quiet. They'll hear you.

[A]

I don't care. Let them.

[B]

Oh, be still. Well, well, well. Look, Jack, it's the trouble.

[A]

Well, I was out of a gu. This is a surprise.

[B]

Well, hi, you, Jackie boy. Hello, Lil. Jack, how are you?

[A]

Oh, Jim's great, kid. Yes, sir. We were just talking about you. Come on right in. Whoops. Careful there, Bingo. That hall rug's pretty slippery.

[B]

It sure is, Jackie.

[A]

I should have kept my mouth shut. He might have fractured his skull. Well, sir, we were just passing by. Why didn't you.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Well, glad you came over, Bingo. Naomi.

[B]

I was just selling, Bingo. Maybe you folks were going out or something.

[A]

Nah, I told you they weren't, sweetheart. Look, Jack's got his old clothes on. Yeah, old clothes. He knows. I just bought this suit a month ago.

[B]

Sit down, Naomi. Sit down.

[A]

Yeah, sit down, folks. Sit down. That half head tries to grab my easy chair, I'll trip him. Well, I'll sit over here, Jackie. Didn't mean to step on your foot, old man. Well, that's all right, baby. He did that on purpose. He knew I was trying to trip him.

[B]

Well, Naomi, how have you been? Lillian, I haven't been well. I haven't been well at all ever since my operation, you know. I told you about it.

[A]

Oh, yes.

[B]

Imagine. Two and a half hours on the operating table. Mingo, don't flip your ashes on the rug with a tray over there. Two and a half hours, Lillian. The doctor says it was one of the most difficult operations. Well, two and a half hours, you can imagine. There was an article about my operation in the medical journal. A full page, mind you. Bingo, did you bring the clipping? Really, Lillian, ever since my operation, I just haven't been the same. Even the doctors can't do. Bingo, did you bring the clipping?

[A]

I'm looking for it, sweetheart. It must be here in my coat pocket.

[B]

It wasn't so much the operation itself, Lillian. Oh, pardon me, Jack. Were you going to say something? It was the after effect, really. Honestly, I don't know how I pulled through. I suffered, Lillian. I suffered.

[A]

I'm suffering now.

[B]

Bingo can tell you. Bingo, tell them how I suffered. Well, I. Yeah, well, if it hadn't been well. My Aunt Imogene had a major operation several years ago. You remember, Lil? Of course. Her operation was nothing compared to mine.

[A]

Your colonel once had my feet.

[B]

Bingo, you have the Cliffy.

[A]

I'm Looking sweet. Can't seem to find it. I must have left it at. Oh, wait a minute. Here's something the folks might be interested in. If he drags out those baby pictures, I'll scream. You folks care to see some snapshots of our junior? What's the matter, Jack? Oh, nothing, Bingo. Just got a cramp in my leg, that's all. Oh, yes. You sure? We'd love to look at the snapshot, Bingo. Wouldn't we, Lil?

[B]

Well, it sure was nice a few folks to drop over.

[A]

Yes, sir. Hate to see you rush off so soon. I'll open the door. Bingo.

[B]

Jack, stop pushing.

[A]

Pushing, Bingo, Pushing. I'm handling him over the hall rug. Slippery, you know. It sure is. Well, folks. Yeah. Good night, Bingo.

[B]

Neo, man, you call me during the week, now, won't you, Liv? Oh, of course. Good night, folks.

[A]

Good night.

[B]

Maybe I better call you Lil. Oh, all right. You do that. Good night. No, I'm sure that would be better. See, I. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Good night, folks. Good night. Didn't see your foot in the door, Bingo. Sorry, old man. That's all right, Jackie. Well, are you ready, dear?

[B]

Of course I'm ready. I've been waiting for you, sweetheart. Honestly, Lillian, I can never let Bingo say good night. He never says good night. He's always the last one to leave.

[A]

I wish he'd leave.

[B]

Chatter, chatter, chatter. I never saw such a man. Come on, Bingo. Good night, folks.

[C]

Good night.

[A]

Good night.

[B]

Well, good night, folks.

[C]

Good night.

[A]

Oh, me older.

[B]

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm going to that movie if it's the last thing I ever do.

[A]

Okay, dear, okay. But do you mind waiting just one minute?

[B]

I told you, your brother drank it all.

[A]

Oh, well, come on. We could just about make the last show. Oh, just look at that line of people. Just once I'd like to go someplace not have to stand in line.

[B]

Oh, Hutch, dear.

[A]

For all seats, waiting on the inside. For all seats, standing room only. I wonder if we can get two together. I can't stand waiting in this line, this shuffling along.

[C]

Watch them shuffle along.

[A]

See that shuffle and trifle. Oh, excuse me, sonny boy.

[C]

It's a Jolson story playing here.

[A]

No. Get up off your knees, Will.

[B]

I think it's playing down the street at the California.

[C]

California, here I come.

[A]

The strangest people around.

[B]

Hurry, Jack, hurry. The line is going in.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Now, sit still and relax, will you, Jack? Let's enjoy this picture. Oh, I hope it's ed educational.

[A]

It must be. Look at the title Mother wore Tights.

[B]

Can you see all right?

[A]

Why do we always have to get seats way over on the side like this? We wait a stinking hour to get in. And you know, I always get a headache when I have to look at the screen from this angle.

[B]

Oh, it's the best the usher could do, Dean.

[A]

The best, my eye. I paid good money to see this picture. Who did that? Had a guy even talk to us.

[B]

Jack, please be quiet. Now help me off with my. Oh, dear.

[A]

What's the matter?

[B]

Don't talk so loud.

[A]

What's the matter?

[B]

I must have dropped my gloves.

[A]

Oh, for the love of Mike, look.

[B]

On the floor, will you, dear? They might have slipped under my seat.

[A]

All right, all right. Get up.

[B]

Heavens, I can't stand up here. Can't you slide down under your own seat?

[A]

What am I, a contortionist? How can I scream? Shh. Oh, quiet you.

[B]

Jack Hutch, for goodness sakes.

[A]

Here, hold my hat. I gotta light a match.

[B]

Weller, hurry.

[A]

I don't see anything down here. Are you sure?

[C]

What did you do?

[A]

I hit my head on this dog. I hit my head.

[B]

Can't you be more careful?

[A]

Well, it's dark down here.

[B]

Well, hurry up. You're disturbing everyone around us.

[A]

I'll have to light another match. Say, what are you doing down there, bud? Having a weenie run?

[B]

Fine. Jack, for goodness sake, forget the gloves. Get back up in your seat.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

What's the matter?

[A]

That's fine.

[B]

What's the matter?

[A]

I'm stuck. I can't get back up.

[B]

Oh, goodness, if you weren't so fat.

[C]

Yeah, you hadn't dropped your doggone glove down.

[B]

Ya, da. Ya, ya, ya. Oh, Jack, you get right up this instant.

[A]

I told you I'm.

[B]

But he can't stay down there all night.

[A]

Why not? The picture's probably a stinker anyway. Pardon me. I get through here.

[B]

Yes, but be careful where you step. My husband's down there.

[A]

Oh. Oh, one of those eccentric guys, huh?

[B]

Will you help me pull him up? Just grab hold of his coat. That's it. Ready, Jack?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

One, two, three, nine.

[A]

What was that? It's your sleeve, bub. Does that answer your question? Oh, look at that. My brand new coat.

[B]

Ah, keep quiet, Jack. Please sit down.

[A]

Oh, Lil, come on, come on. A couple just came up the center aisle. There must be some good seats over there.

[C]

Oh, good.

[B]

Let's hurry before someone else gets them.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Pardon us, please. Excuse me. Excuse me. Oops. Pardon me, madam. Ah, here we are. Hey, these look like goodsies.

[B]

Oh, this is fine. Right on the aisle.

[A]

Get in, Lil. Now maybe we can relax and enjoy the. Lil, have you got my hat?

[B]

No, I thought you had it.

[C]

I gave it to you.

[A]

I gave it to you. When I get out of this.

[B]

Oh, I must have left it back there. I don't. Where are you going?

[A]

I'm going to get my hat.

[B]

Oh, please, dear. If you go back and disturb those people again, you'll start a ride.

[A]

I don't care. That hat cost me ten bucks.

[B]

Oh, all right, all right, but hurry up.

[A]

I'll be right back. Will. Let's see, we were sitting right about. Let me see. Oh, God, it's dark in here. Can't even find the roll murder. I better go back and see if Lil remembers where I, uh. Oh, where to Leave, Lil. First I lose my hat, and now my wife. And see, I couldn't have walked more than 10 or 15 steps. I wish it wasn't so dark. Lil, is that you? Is that you, dear?

[B]

Young man, if you don't go away, I'll call an usher.

[A]

Oh, pardon me, lady. Excuse me. Oh, Golona. Where is she? Lil?

[C]

Lil.

[A]

I'm sure she must be around here somewhere. Oh, is this you, dear? No, sweetheart. And how would you like to get a good swift kick in the teeth? Excuse me, but I was looking for my wife. Lil. Oh, I'll never find her. It's so dark in here. My man. Officer, I think he's drunk. All right, all right.

[C]

Come along now.

[A]

Take your hands off me, you. You Cossack. He's drunk.

[C]

Drunk nothing.

[A]

My brother drank it all. He's been raising a rough house up since he come in. Now, wait a. Fellas, I can explain. You see, wait a minute. I lost my wife, then I lost my hat. So another day draws to a close for the Kirk. The breeze still rustles in the pepper trees on Quincy street, but the trim little bungalows are dark and quiet. And at number 44. At number 44. Sorry, folks. I just noticed the bedroom lights still burning. You'd better listen to this for yourselves.

[B]

It's a good thing for you that I came out when I did and talked to that theater manager, or you'd be in jail for disturbing the peace.

[A]

No weapons, squirt. I should have poked him right in the nose. What's so funny?

[B]

If all the men you threatened to poke in the nose should have poked in the nose. Almost poked in the nose. Were late end to end. Tell me, did you ever really hit anybody?

[A]

Did I ever hit anybody? Did he ever hit anybody? Did I Ever hit anybody? Gee, I don't remember.

[B]

Honey?

[A]

Yeah?

[B]

You forgot to turn off the kitchen light. I see the reflection on the Smith's garage.

[A]

All right, all right, I'll go down and turn it out. Well, Uncle Elmo. Hey, uncle, wake up.

[C]

Stop that. Eloise, let go my bow tie, can you?

[A]

Uncle Elmo, it's me, Jack.

[C]

What are you doing here this time of night, son?

[A]

What am I doing, uncle, you're at my house.

[C]

Hey, what?

[A]

For Pete's sake, You forgot to turn off the stove. Your hard boiled eggs, they've been boiling for three hours.

[C]

Well, when I like them hard. I mean hard. Ain't had a real good hard boiled egg since Emmy died. Say, Jack, did I ever tell you about Emmy?

[A]

Come on, old timer, time to go home.

[C]

Sure did.

[A]

Come on, out you go.

[C]

Nope, I got it for home. Where you been, sonny?

[A]

I've been to the movies. I had quite a tussle.

[C]

I'll swap it for the widow Griswold anytime.

[A]

Swap who?

[C]

Jane Russell.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Good night, Jackie. Sleep tired?

[A]

I would, but my brother drank it all. Good night, Uncle. Oh, gosh, what a night.

[B]

Oh, honey, remind me to answer Aunt Aggie's letter in the morning. Oh, yeah, I'll just have to lie to her again about seeing movie stars. Who shall I say this time?

[A]

Oh, tell her the truth. We'll never meet any movie star till we live here 50 years.

[B]

That's the doorbell. Who could it be at this time of night?

[A]

Oh, I'm coming, I'm coming. Yeah, yeah, what is it, buddy? I'm very sorry to bother, but I'm interested in that house across the street. Is it for sale? Oh, that old boarded up place is supposed to be haunted. Charming. Charming. It sounds even better than I thought. I don't suppose I could get a key anywhere right now. Yes, yes, you see, I. I'd like to look at the place at the most advantageous times, but I can see it at its very best. Well, Smith next door has the key, but he's probably asleep. You wouldn't want to disturb him now. Oh, I don't mind. You can trust me, mister. I won't wake him. Well, good night, mister, and thank you very much. This is John Kyloff will be mad because I beat him for this one.

[B]

What was that, dear?

[A]

Oh, darn if I know. Some creepy looking little guy. Oh, honey, I guess I probably acted kind of crabby today.

[B]

Today?

[A]

Now don't start anything. Oh, God, there are worse husbands than me, I think. How would you like to be married to that bingo.

[B]

Oh, I'm sorry, dear. You're perfectly right. There are lots of worse husbands than you, dear.

[A]

You just don't appreciate me, that's all.

[B]

Oh, but I do, dear.

[A]

Oh, there's nothing.

[B]

Good night, Jack. Good night, you silly old fool.

[A]

Good night, honey. Well, that's the end of another day at number 44 Quincy street for your friends, the Kirkwoods. Drop in again next week, same time, same station for another visit, won't you? The Kirkwoods are played, strangely enough, by Jack and Lil Kirkwood. The music was composed and conducted by Irving Miller, and Ray Buffum produced and directed. And now this is Jim Doyle saying good night from all of us to all of you. See you next week at home with the Kirkwood.