Mirth And Madness 19xx.xx.xx Lil Wants To Go

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio – Mirth And Madness 19xx.xx.xx: Lil Wants To Go

Episode Release Date: April 5, 2025
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Description: Dive into the charming chaos of the Kirkwood family in this episode of Mirth And Madness. Set against the backdrop of a typical Hollywood street, the story explores the everyday trials and tribulations of Jack and Lil Kirkwood, their interactions with Uncle Elmo, and a memorable night at the movies.

---

1. A Quiet Evening on Quincy Street

The episode opens with a serene depiction of Quincy Street in residential Hollywood, highlighting the ordinary lives of the Kirkwood family at number 44. Lil Kirkwood is comfortably settled on the porch swing, knitting and calling out to her husband, Jack, encouraging him to join her outside.

Key Interaction:

• Lillian Kirkwood: “You can rest out here just as well and keep me company.” (00:05)
• Jack Kirkwood: “All right, I'm here.” (01:51)

This exchange sets the stage for the couple's dynamic—Lil as the attentive wife and Jack as the somewhat disengaged husband.

2. The Bean Shooter Incident

Jack discovers a bean shooter left by a neighbor's child, sparking a nostalgic conversation about his childhood and revealing underlying tensions in his marriage.

Notable Quote:

• Lillian Kirkwood: “Why don't you write and tell her the truth?” (03:20)
• Jack Kirkwood: “I've lived here for 20 years. I've never even seen a movie star yet.” (03:32)

Lil expresses frustration over their monotonous routine, longing for more engaging activities and meaningful interactions.

3. Uncle Elmo's Uninvited Visit

Uncle Elmo arrives unexpectedly, bringing a burst of energy and disrupting the already strained evening. His playful yet intrusive behavior adds to Jack's irritation, highlighting familial obligations and personal boundaries.

Key Dialogue:

• Uncle Elmo: “Bingo, did you bring the clipping?” (12:21)
• Jack Kirkwood: “If he drags out those baby pictures, I'll scream.” (18:58)

Uncle Elmo's presence serves as both comic relief and a catalyst for Jack's growing frustration.

4. The Plan to Attend a Movie Show

Determined to break their stale routine, Lil persuades Jack to accompany her to a movie show. This decision leads to a series of comedic mishaps, reflecting the couple's struggle to reconnect amidst chaos.

Notable Exchange:

• Lillian Kirkwood: “Now, sit still and relax, will you, Jack, let's enjoy this picture.” (21:52)
• Jack Kirkwood: “I can't stand waiting in this line. They're shuffling along.” (25:27)

Their journey to the movie theater is fraught with obstacles, from crowded lines to uncomfortable seating, emphasizing the challenges of maintaining romance in everyday life.

5. Chaos at the Movie Theater

Once inside the theater, Jack's impatience and Lil's attempts to enjoy the film create a comical scenario. Jack's struggles to find his seat and subsequent antics disrupt the viewing experience, culminating in a humorous but tense situation.

Highlighted Moments:

• Jack Kirkwood: “I'm stuck. I can't get back up.” (23:48)
• Lillian Kirkwood: “Oh, goodness, if you weren't so fat.” (23:52)

Their antics draw attention and annoyance from other patrons, showcasing the couple's inability to smoothly navigate social settings.

6. Resolution and Reflection

After the chaotic movie experience, the Kirkwoods return home, reflecting on their day. Lil reminds Jack of their enduring love despite the day's frustrations, bringing a heartfelt closure to the episode.

Emotional Highlights:

• Lillian Kirkwood: “You just don't appreciate me, that's all.” (31:15)
• Jack Kirkwood: “Oh, that's nice.” (31:44)
• Lillian Kirkwood: “Good night, you silly old fool.” (31:47)

This exchange underscores the couple's deep-seated affection, highlighting the episode's central theme of finding humor and love amidst life's madness.

7. Narrator’s Closing Remarks

The episode concludes with the Narrator summarizing another day in the life of the Kirkwoods, leaving listeners with a warm sense of familiarity and anticipation for future adventures.

Final Lines:

• Narrator: “So another day draws to a close for the Kirkwoods. The breeze still rustles in the pepper trees on Quincy Street...” (27:54)

---

Conclusion:

Mirth And Madness 19xx.xx.xx: Lil Wants To Go offers a delightful glimpse into the everyday life of the Kirkwoods, blending humor with relatable marital dynamics. Through witty dialogues and engaging scenarios, Harold's Old Time Radio captures the essence of familial bonds and the pursuit of happiness amidst routine challenges.

Notable Quotes Overview:

• Lillian Kirkwood: “Are you or are you not going to take me to a show tonight?” (07:39)
• Uncle Elmo: “What's wrong with me dating the young widow?” (11:54)
• Jack Kirkwood: “I wish he'd leave.” (20:11)
• Lillian Kirkwood: “Good night, you silly old fool.” (31:47)

Listeners unfamiliar with the episode will find this summary both comprehensive and engaging, encapsulating the humor and heartwarming moments of the Kirkwood family's latest escapade.

Transcript

[Nicole Byer]

We interrupt this program to bring you an important Wayfair message. Wayfair's got style tips for every home. This is Nicole Byer helping you make those rooms Flyer today's style tip. When it comes to making a statement, treat bold patterns like neutrals. Go wild like an untamed animal. Print area rug under a rustic farmhouse table. From wayfair.com. ooh, ears. This has been your Wayfarer style tip to keep those interiors superior.

[Narrator]

Wayfair Every style, Every home at home with the Kirkwood. This is the story of the Kirkwoods, an average American family, and the things that happen to them might happen to you and me. It's early evening. A warm breeze rustles through the tall pepper trees that line Quincy street, one of the small, unglamorous back streets of residential Hollywood. Men in shirt sleeves water their lawns in front of white stucco bungalows and in the backyards, their wives gossip over picket fences. At number 44 Quincy street, the dinner house is settled comfortably in the porch swing, a pair of knitting needles in her lap. From time to time, she leans forward and glances into the house. Finally, she calls Jack.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Jack. Jack.

[Jack Kirkwood]

What?

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Aren't you coming out on the porch?

[Jack Kirkwood]

I'm comfortable in here.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

You'll fall asleep again. Come on out on the porch.

[Jack Kirkwood]

I'm just resting.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

You can rest out here just as well and keep me company.

[Jack Kirkwood]

All right, I'm here.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Well, just don't stand there with your hands in your pockets.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Why? What do you want to do, play catch?

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Sit down here.

[Jack Kirkwood]

All right.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

What's the matter?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Where did this come from?

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Oh, don't get so excited. It's just a bean shooter. The little boy next door must have forgotten it.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Bag of beans here, too. You know, I haven't seen one of these bean shooters since I was a kid.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

What were you looking for in the cupboard?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Me?

[Lillian Kirkwood]

I heard you. Your brother drank it all the last time he was here.

[Jack Kirkwood]

I wasn't looking for that.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

What were you looking for then? What was that?

[Jack Kirkwood]

I just shot a beam. I hit the mailbox. Look.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Oh, for heaven's sakes, put that bean shooter away. Now, where did I put that? Oh, here it is.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Here what is?

[Lillian Kirkwood]

The letter we got today from Aunt Agnes.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh. And what does Aunt Aggie have to say for us?

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Oh, nothing much, really. They're all well and happy. And of course, she wants to know what movie stars we've lately.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, Lil, why don't you write and tell her the truth?

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Oh, Jack, you know how they are back home. They think just because we Live in Hollywood, we rub elbows with movie stars every time we step out of the house.

[Jack Kirkwood]

I've lived here for 20 years. I've never even seen a movie star yet.

[Benita]

I. I beg your pardon, old man.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Yeah, what is it?

[Jerry]

I must apologize for walking up from.

[Jack Kirkwood]

The street this way, old boy, but.

[Benita]

I wonder if I might trouble you for a match.

[Jerry]

I seem to have come out without any.

[Jack Kirkwood]

No trouble at all. There you are. That's all right, old man. Keep them. I say, that's awfully decent of you, old chap.

[Benita]

It's all right, Benita.

[Jack Kirkwood]

I've found some.

[Jerry]

Oh, thank you so much for your kindness. There's a far, far better thing you do than I have ever done.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Well, Jerry Ho so on.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

My, he was a nice, polite man.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Yeah. His face sure looked familiar, too. I think I met him someplace before. Oh, well.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Dear, can't you think of anything better to do than shoot beans at the mailbox?

[Jack Kirkwood]

What's the matter with that?

[Lillian Kirkwood]

I never get to talk to you anymore. In the morning, you bury your nose in the paper, woof down your breakfast and rush off to work. At night, you come home, wolf down your dinner, read the evening paper and fall asleep on the couch.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Double barrel.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

And we never go anywhere or do anything. Now, you take Mr. And Mrs. Fosquit across the street.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, yatta da, yatta ta ya da. Never go anywhere. Never do.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

They're always doing something. Even when they spend an evening at home. They listen to classical music or discuss plays and books or work on their stamp collection. What do we do?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Hey, look, Lil, no hands. That takes control.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

I think it would be nice if we took up a hobby. Haven't you ever wanted a hobby?

[Jack Kirkwood]

I had a hobby once.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Collecting carts is not my idea of a hobby.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Move your feet a little. I want to draw a beat on the milk bottles.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

No, now, really.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, wait a minute. I didn't allow for the wind. Oh, nuts. Don't tell me that half wit next door is going to start practicing again.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

No, don't be so grouchy. He isn't bothering.

[Jack Kirkwood]

What business does he have playing a flute?

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Why not? He's from a very musical family.

[Jack Kirkwood]

His old man got punched in the nose by Tommy Dorsey once. So he comes from a musical family.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Oh, never mind. Look, I've been thinking.

[Jack Kirkwood]

What with? What about?

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Why don't we go to a show? It's still early.

[Jack Kirkwood]

A show? Tonight? Oh, Lil, I'm tired. Besides, I ate too much.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Oh, you always say that whenever I try to get you out of the house.

[Jack Kirkwood]

I thought I'd have to shave and change clothes.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Too much to ask.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, I wish that food player would drop dead. All he does is play up the scale.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

You see, he can go down the scale too.

[Jack Kirkwood]

He probably heard me. I wish he'd go sideways.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Oh, come on, Jack. Let's go to a show.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, do we have to go tonight?

[Lillian Kirkwood]

You say that every night.

[Jack Kirkwood]

The way you talk, you think we never went to a show. We went only last week.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

We did not.

[Jack Kirkwood]

We did so.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

We did not.

[Jack Kirkwood]

We did two go to a show last week.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

We did not go to a show last week.

[Jack Kirkwood]

We did two go to a show last week.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

We did not go to a show last week.

[Jack Kirkwood]

We did not go to a show last week.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

We did not go to a show.

[Jack Kirkwood]

We did not go to a show last week. We did not go to a show. We did go to a show last week.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

For goodness sake, not so fast.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Ah, shut up. I ought to go over and poke that guy right in the nose. Got him.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Are you or are you not going to take me to a show tonight?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, all right. I'll go upstairs and get dressed. Might as well put on my new suit. Uh oh.

[Narrator]

Company.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Who? I don't see anyone.

[Uncle Elmo]

Boo. Surprised you, didn't I? I got on my new sneakers.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Well, Uncle Elmo, what brings you out tonight?

[Uncle Elmo]

Nothing much. Lily. Hi, Jackie.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Hello, Uncle.

[Uncle Elmo]

Just thought I'd drop by on my way home. Can't stay but a minute. Got my scooter bike parked in front of the fire hydrant. I say, Jackie. Speak up, sonny. Don't mumble. Can't hear a word you say.

[Jack Kirkwood]

I didn't say anything.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Uncle Ryan Seacrest here. When you have a busy schedule, it's important to maximize your downtime. One of the best ways to do that is by going to chumbaccasino.com. chumba Casino has all your free favorite social casino games like spin slots, bingo and solitaire that you can play for free for a chance to redeem some serious prizes. So hop on to chumbacasino.com now and live the Chumba life. Sponsored by Chumba Casino.

[Jack Kirkwood]

No purchase necessary. VGW Group void. We're prohibited by law 21 + terms and conditions apply.

[Uncle Elmo]

Oh, well, good for you, Shirley. Yes, I've been shopping all afternoon. Lily, move over. Let your uncle sit down.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

So you went shopping, huh?

[Uncle Elmo]

So did I. Bought me one of those hand painted neckties. Real fancy, you know, Got a picture of a lady on it. And between you and me, sis, she ain't got much clothes on. What say, Jackie?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Nothing.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

So you came over to show us your brand new hand painted necktie. Aw, that was nice, Uncle Elmo.

[Uncle Elmo]

Well, if you insist. But don't put any ice in mine, eh, Jackie?

[Lillian Kirkwood]

No, Uncle Elmo. I sand paint.

[Uncle Elmo]

Hey, Jackie, when I come over for, I wonder if you could let me borrow your dicky. I got a heavy date tomorrow night. You know, formal and everything. Got to have a dicky. Uncle Ben stole mine. You remember Uncle Ben, Lily? Why, my brother.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Yeah, yes, of course.

[Uncle Elmo]

Oh, now, sure you do. Think back, Lily. He's your uncle too. My brother Ben. Ben.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Yes, I know.

[Uncle Elmo]

Oh, it was a sneaky type. You remember Uncle Ben, my brother, don't you, Jackie?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.

[Uncle Elmo]

Yeah, that's right.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Yeah.

[Uncle Elmo]

And see, Lily, Jack remembers Uncle Bill. Now, what about the dickey?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Well, I'll be glad to let you have it, Uncle Elmo.

[Uncle Elmo]

No, I don't need anything else. Thanks just the same. Oh, I would appreciate a few pieces of Kleenex.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Yeah.

[Uncle Elmo]

Promised my dad I'd do a comb solo for her. You know what happened? What? Generally.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Oh, so you're going out tomorrow night, are you?

[Jack Kirkwood]

You are?

[Uncle Elmo]

Well, so am I. Going to the dance with Widow Griswold. You know the Widow Griswold? Real sweet number. Has a she. Sure. I never saw what is. Fetch me that dicky with it, sonny.

[Jack Kirkwood]

The widow's very young, isn't she?

[Uncle Elmo]

She has don't show a bit. Least wise. I never noticed it.

[Jack Kirkwood]

No, no, I say she's very young.

[Uncle Elmo]

Oh, 28. Oh, Tommy. So herself last night while we were spending a musical evening at a trailer, she plays a real nice sweet potato, you know?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Sweet potato?

[Uncle Elmo]

Yeah, I brought my fiddle.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Sounds like a large evening.

[Uncle Elmo]

No, had a mighty nice time. Yeah, she'd tweet a while and then I'd fiddle. What with tweeting and fiddle? We had a fine evening. Little man skull, that Eloise. Oh, like the spirit. Like it with a lot of spirit. Got that gleam in her eye too, you know. Told her that look in her eye reminded me of a pan to Chasing a Flock of Sheep.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

And what did she say, Uncle Elmo?

[Uncle Elmo]

Nothing. She just pinched my cheek and snapped my bow tie. Almost knocked me to my knees.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Wish it had.

[Uncle Elmo]

Yes, I got a lot of snap left in my bow tie. A lot of snap.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, brother.

[Uncle Elmo]

What say, Jackie?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Nothing.

[Uncle Elmo]

What's wrong with me dating the young widow?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Aren't you swinging after the ball's gone past?

[Uncle Elmo]

Remember the old saying, sonny? Just course there's snow on the Roof. There ain't no sign the fire's gone out inside.

[Jack Kirkwood]

All right, I'll get the dicky thing.

[Uncle Elmo]

I say, just because.

[Jack Kirkwood]

I know. I know. I heard you. Back in a few minutes.

[Uncle Elmo]

You know him, Billy?

[Lillian Kirkwood]

What's that? Uncle Elmo?

[Uncle Elmo]

You ought to get one of them hearing aids for Jackie. I think the boy's gone deep on us.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Come in.

[Benita]

Yeah?

[Uncle Elmo]

Oh, hi.

[Benita]

I'm Yuki.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Have you tried penicillin?

[Benita]

That's my name, Yuki. See, I'm your new next door neighbor.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, I see. That's an odd name you've got.

[Benita]

Well, you see, I can explain. See, when I was a kid, I played the ukulele, so they called me Yuki.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh. When I was a kid, I played the clarinet.

[Benita]

Oh, how are you, Clara?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Good. Well, look, I'm a little busy right now.

[Benita]

You know what? I thought that maybe you can tell me how to get a bit part in pictures. You know, just for a start.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, well, I can do better than that.

[Benita]

You mean more than a bit to start?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Yeah. Here's two bits. Get started.

[Benita]

I can see it now. MGM's new star is Yuki.

[Uncle Elmo]

Yuki.

[Benita]

Rhymes with no.

[Jack Kirkwood]

I can't say it. Like shooting a sitter.

[Benita]

Well, get around to me doing grammar. This is real good grammar.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Good.

[Benita]

I didn't do it, I tell you. I didn't do it. You can't make me burn. I'm not guilty. Do you understand?

[Uncle Elmo]

Not guilty.

[Benita]

How's that?

[Jack Kirkwood]

I hope you got some relatives on the jury.

[Benita]

You know, I'm not very easily discouraged. I'm a guy with a lot of get up and go.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Can you get up? Yeah. Then go. Yes.

[Jerry]

Thanks.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Lil. Well, here I am.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

I was in the kitchen getting Uncle Elmo something to eat.

[Jack Kirkwood]

I thought he had to go right home. Well, how do I look?

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Not bad. Not bad at all. You know, there are times when I realized why I married you.

[Jack Kirkwood]

How do you like that? A double breasted pinstripe and she falls at my feet.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

But what's that bump in your. Jack, you cannot take that bean shooter to the movies.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, darling. Hey, hey, hey. What's that, dear?

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Uncle Elmo said he was hungry for hard boiled eggs.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, well, we got plenty of eggs. Let him have his fun.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Jack. Help me with my coat, honey.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Okay. So long, Unc. I'll leave the dicky here on the dining room table.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Good night, Uncle Elmo. Don't forget to lock the door when you go out.

[Uncle Elmo]

Okay, Lily, I'll put the cat out.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Yeah. Good night, Uncle. Well, at least he won't find anything in the cupboard.

[Uncle Elmo]

I know. Your brother drank it all up.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Well, let's get going. Say, you know, I'm kind of glad you talked me into this now that I'm shaved and dressed. Oh, oh, oh, oh. A car stopped out in front. It sounds like that. Traskill, quick. Close the door. Turn out the lights. Maybe they'll go away.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Oh, it's too late now, Jack. We'll have to let them in.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, we'll never get to that dog gone show. They'll stay for hours. I can't stand that Bingo Truscan.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Oh, Bingo's not bad.

[Jack Kirkwood]

All that half wit ever does is talk about that egghead kid of theirs with snapshots yet. And Naomi, all she ever talks about is her operation and how lousy she feels.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Jack, be quiet. They'll hear you.

[Jack Kirkwood]

I don't care. Let them.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Oh, be still. Well, well, well. Look, Jack, it's the trouble.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Well, I was out of. Boy, this is a surprise.

[Benita]

Well, hi you, Jackie boy.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Hello, Lil Jack. How are you?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, Jim, great kid. Yes, sir. We were just talking about you. Come on right in. Whoops. Careful there, Bingo. That hall runs pretty slippery.

[Benita]

It sure is, Jackie.

[Jack Kirkwood]

I should have kept my mouth shut. He might have fractured his skull.

[Benita]

Well, sir, we were just passing by.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Why didn't you? Yeah, yeah. Well, glad you came over. Bingo.

[Naomi]

Naomi, I was just selling bingo. Maybe you folks were going out or something.

[Benita]

Nah, I told you they weren't. Sweetheart, look, Jack's got his old clothes on.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Yeah, old clothes. He knows. I just bought this suit a month ago.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest. Life comes at you fast, which is why it's important to find some time to relax a little you time. Enter Chumba Casino with no download required. You can jump on anytime, anywhere for the chance to redeem some serious prizes. So treat yourself with Chumba Casino and play over 100 online casino style games, all for free. Go to Chumbacasino.com to collect your free welcome bonus. Sponsored by Chumba Casino.

[Jack Kirkwood]

No purchase necessary. VGW Group void where prohibited by law 21/ Terms and Conditions apply.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Sit down, Naomi. Sit down.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Yeah, sit down, folks. Sit down. That halfway tries to grab my easy chair. I'll trip him.

[Benita]

Well, I'll sit over here, Jackie. Didn't mean to step on your foot, old man.

[Jack Kirkwood]

No, that's all right, baby. He did that on purpose. He knew I was trying to trip him.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Well, Naomi, how have you been?

[Naomi]

Lillian, I haven't been well. I haven't been well at all ever since my operation. You Know I told you about it.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, yes.

[Naomi]

Imagine, two and a half hours on the operating table. Mingo, don't flip your ashes on the rug. There's a tray over there. Two and a half hours, Lillian.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

The doctor says it was one of.

[Naomi]

The most difficult operations. Well, two and a half hours, you can imagine. There was an article about my operations in the medical journal. A full page, mind you. Bingo, did you bring the clipping? Really, Lillian, ever since my operation, I just haven't been the same. Even the doctors can't do. Bingo, did you bring the clipping?

[Benita]

I'm looking for it, sweetheart. It must be here in my coat pocket.

[Naomi]

It wasn't so much the operation itself, Lily. Oh, pardon me, Jack, Were you going to say something? It was the after effect, really. Honestly, I don't know how I pulled through. I suffered, Lillian. I suffered.

[Jack Kirkwood]

I'm suffering now.

[Naomi]

Bingo can tell you. Bingo, tell them how I suffered.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Well, I.

[Naomi]

Well, if it hadn't been. Well, my aunt Imagine had a major operation several years ago. You remember, Lil?

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Of course.

[Naomi]

Her operation was nothing compared to mine.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Colonel once had my.

[Naomi]

Bingo, you have the Cliffy?

[Benita]

I'm looking. Sweet. Can't seem to find it. I must have left it at. Oh, wait a minute. Here's something the folks might be interested in.

[Jack Kirkwood]

If he drags out those baby pictures, I'll scream.

[Benita]

You folks care to see some snapshots of our junior? What's the matter, Jack?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, nothing. Bingo. Just got a cramp in my leg, that's all. Oh, yes. You sure? We'd love to look at the snapshot, Bingo. Wouldn't we, Lil?

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Well, it sure was nice a few folks to drop over.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Yes, sir. Hate to see you rush off so soon. I'll open the door, Bingo. Yeah.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Stop pushing, Bingo.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Pushing? I'm holding him over the hall rug. Slippery, you know.

[Benita]

It sure is.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Well, folks, good night, Bingo.

[Naomi]

Neo man, you call me during the week. Now won't you leave?

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Oh, of course. Good night, folks.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Good night.

[Naomi]

Maybe I better call you, Lil.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Oh, all right. You do that. Good night.

[Naomi]

You know, I'm sure that would be better.

[Jack Kirkwood]

See, I. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good night, fool. Good night. Didn't see your foot in the door, Bingo. Sorry, old man.

[Benita]

That's all right, Jackie. Well, are you ready, dear?

[Naomi]

Of course I'm ready. I've been waiting for you, sweetheart. Honestly, Lillian, I can never let Bingo say good night. He never says good night. He's always the last one to leave.

[Jack Kirkwood]

I wish he'd leave.

[Naomi]

Chatter, chatter, chatter. I never saw such a man come On Bingo. Good night.

[Benita]

Well, good night, folks.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Good night. Oh, me?

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm going to that movie if it's the last thing I ever do.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Okay, dear, okay. Would you mind waiting just one minute?

[Lillian Kirkwood]

I told you, your brother drank it all.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, well, come on. We could just about make the last show. Oh, just look at that line of people. Just once I'd like to go someplace and not have to stand in line.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Oh, hush, dear.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Waiting for all seats. Waiting on the inside for all seats. Standing room only. I wonder if we can get two together. I can't stand waiting in this line. They're shuffling along. Watch them shuffle along. See that shuffle and try one. Oh, excuse me, sonny boy.

[Uncle Elmo]

It's a Jolson story playing here.

[Jack Kirkwood]

No. Get up off your knees, will you?

[Lillian Kirkwood]

I think it's playing down the street at the California.

[Uncle Elmo]

California, Here I come.

[Jack Kirkwood]

From the strangest people around.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Hurry, Jack, hurry. The line is going in.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Now, sit still and relax, will you, Jack, let's enjoy this picture. Oh, I hope it's educational.

[Jack Kirkwood]

It must be. Look at the title. Mother Wore Tights.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Can you see all right?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Why do we always have to get seats way over on the side like this? We wait a stinking hour to get in. And you know I always get a headache when I have to look at the screen from this angle.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Oh, it's the best. Yes, you could do, dear.

[Jack Kirkwood]

The best, my eye. I paid good money to see this picture. Who did that? Had a guy even talk to.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Oh, Jack, please be quiet. Now help me off with my.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, dear, what's the matter?

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Don't talk so loud.

[Jack Kirkwood]

What's the matter?

[Lillian Kirkwood]

I must have dropped my gloves.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, for the love of Mike, look.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

On the floor, will you, dear? They might have slipped under my seat.

[Jack Kirkwood]

All right, all right. Get up.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Heavens, I can't stand up here. Can't you slide down under your own seat?

[Jack Kirkwood]

What am I, a contortionist? How can I scre. Ah, quiet you.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Jack, hush for goodness sake.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Here, hold my head. I gotta light a match.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Weller, hurry.

[Jack Kirkwood]

I don't see anything down here. Are you sure?

[Lillian Kirkwood]

What did you do?

[Jack Kirkwood]

I hit my head on this dog. I hit my head.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Can't you be more careful?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Well, it's dark down here.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Well, hurry up. You're disturbing everyone around me.

[Jack Kirkwood]

I'll have to light another match. Say, what are you doing down there, bud? Having a weenie roan. Oh, fine, fine.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Jack, for goodness sake, forget the gloves. Get back up in your seat.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Okay.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

What's the matter?

[Jack Kirkwood]

That's fine.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

What's the matter?

[Jack Kirkwood]

I'm stuck. I can't get back up.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Oh, goodness, if you weren't so fat.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Yeah, you hadn't upped your doggone glove down ya today.

[Benita]

Ya de, ya, ya.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Oh, Jack, you get right up this instant.

[Jack Kirkwood]

I told you I'm stuck.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

But he can't stay down there all night.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Why not? The picture's probably a stinker anyway.

[Benita]

Pardon me.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

I get through here. Yes, but be careful where you step. My husband's down there.

[Benita]

Oh, oh, oh.

[Jerry]

One of those eccentric guys, huh?

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Will you help me pull him out? Just grab hold of his coat. That's it. Ready, Jack?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Yeah.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

One, two, three.

[Jack Kirkwood]

What was that? It's your sleeve, bub. Does that answer your question? Oh, look at that. My brand new coat. Ah, keep quiet, Jack.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Please sit down.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, ho ho, Lil, Come on, come on. A couple just came up the center aisle. There must be some good seats over there.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Oh, good. Let's hurry before someone else gets.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Yeah, yeah. Pardon us, please. Excuse me. Excuse me. Oops. Pardon me, madam. Ah. Ah, here we are. Hey, these look like goodsies.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Oh, this is fine. Right on the aisle.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Get in, Lil. And now maybe we can relax and enjoy the. Lil, have you got my hat?

[Lillian Kirkwood]

No, I thought you had it.

[Uncle Elmo]

I gave it to.

[Jack Kirkwood]

I gave it to you when I got out of this.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Oh, I must have left it back there. I don't. Where are you going?

[Jack Kirkwood]

I want to get my hat.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Oh, please, dear. If you go back and disturb those people again, you'll start a riot.

[Jack Kirkwood]

I don't care. That hat cost me ten bucks.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Oh, all right, all right, but hurry up.

[Jack Kirkwood]

I'll be right back. Will. Let's see. We were sitting right about. Let me see. Doggone, it's dark in here. Can't even find the roll murder. I better go back and see if Lil remembers where I, uh. Oh, where to leave, Lil. First I lose my hat and now my wife. See, I couldn't have walked more than 10 or 15 steps. I wish it wasn't so dark.

[Jerry]

Lil, is that you? Is that you, dear?

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Young man, if you don't go away.

[Naomi]

I'll call an usher.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Pardon me, lady. Excuse me. Oh, go. Where is she? Liz. Liz. I'm sure she must be around here somewhere. Oh, is this you, dear? No, sweetheart. And how would you like to get a good swift kick in the teeth? Excuse me, bud. I was looking for my wife. Lil. Oh, I'll never find her. It's so dark in here, my man. Officer, I think he's drunk. All right, all right.

[Uncle Elmo]

Come along now.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Take your hands off me, you. You Kac. He's drunk. Drunk nothing. My brother drank it all. He's been raising a rough house ever since he come in. Now, wait a. Fellas, I can explain. You see, wait a minute. I lost my wife. Then I lost my hat back to find my.

[Narrator]

So another day draws to a close for the Kirkwoods. The breeze still rustles in the pepper trees on Quincy street. But the trim little bungalows are dark and quiet. And at number 44. At number 44. Sorry, folks. I just noticed the bedroom lights still burning. You'd better listen to this for yourselves.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

It's a good thing for you that I came out when I did and talked to that theater manager or you'd be in. In jail for disturbing the peace.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, that squirt. I should have poked him right in the nose. What's so funny?

[Lillian Kirkwood]

If all the men you threatened to poke in the nose should have poked in the nose. Almost poked in the nose. Were laid end to end. Tell me, did you ever really hit anybody?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Did I ever hit anybody? Did he ever hit anybody? Did I ever hit anybody? Gee, I don't remember.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Honey?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Yeah?

[Lillian Kirkwood]

You forgot to turn off the kitchen light. I see the reflection on the Smith's garage.

[Jack Kirkwood]

All right, all right. I'll go down and turn it out. Well, Uncle Elmo. Hey, uncle, wake up.

[Uncle Elmo]

Stop that. Eloise, let go of my bow tie, can you?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Uncle Elmo, it's me, Jack.

[Uncle Elmo]

What are you doing here this time of night, son?

[Jack Kirkwood]

What am I, uncle, you're at my house. Hey, what? For Pete's sake, you forgot to turn off the stove. Your hard boiled eggs, they've been boiling for three hours.

[Uncle Elmo]

Well, when I like them hard, I mean hard. Ain't had a real good hard boiled egg since Emmy died. Say, Jack, did I ever tell you about Emmy?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Come on, old timer, time to go home.

[Uncle Elmo]

Lord did.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Come on, out you go.

[Uncle Elmo]

Nope, I got him home. Where you been, sonny?

[Jack Kirkwood]

I've been to the movies. I had quite a tussle.

[Uncle Elmo]

I'll swap it for the widow Griswold anytime.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Swap who?

[Uncle Elmo]

Jane Russell.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, yeah.

[Uncle Elmo]

Saturday night, Jackie. Sleep tired?

[Jack Kirkwood]

I would, but my brother drank it all. Good night, Uncle. Oh, gosh, what a night.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Oh, honey, remind me to answer Aunt Aggie's letter in the morning. Yeah, I'll just have to lie to her again about seeing movie stars. Who shall I say this time?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, tell her the truth. We'll never meet any movie star. Do we live here 50 years?

[Lillian Kirkwood]

That's the doorbell. Who could it be at this time of night?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, I'm coming. I'm coming. Yeah, yeah, what is it, buddy?

[Jerry]

I'm very sorry to bother, but I'm interested in that house across the street. Is it for sale?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, that old boarded up place is supposed to be haunted.

[Jerry]

Oh, charming. Charming. It sounds even better than I thought. I don't suppose I could get a.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Key anywhere right now.

[Jerry]

Yes, yes, you see, I. I'd like to look at the place at the most advantageous time, but I can see it at its very best.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Well, Smith next door has the key, but he's probably asleep. You wouldn't want to disturb him now.

[Jerry]

Oh, I don't mind. You can trust me, mister. I won't wake him. Well, good night, mister, and thank you very much. This is John Kyloff will be mad because I beat him for this one.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

What was that, dear?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, darn if I know. Some creepy looking little guy. Oh, honey, I guess I probably acted kind of crabby today.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Today?

[Jack Kirkwood]

Now, don't start anything. Oh, God, there are worse husbands than me, I think. How'd you like to be married to that bingo?

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Oh, I'm sorry, dear. You're perfectly right. There are lots of worse husbands than you here.

[Jack Kirkwood]

You just don't appreciate me, that's all.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Oh, but I do, dear.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Oh, that's nice.

[Lillian Kirkwood]

Good night, Jack. Good night, you silly old fool.

[Jack Kirkwood]

Am I, Tony?

[Narrator]

Well, that's the end of another day at number 44 Quincy street for your friends, the Kirkwoods. Drop in again next week, same time, same station for another visit, won't you? The Kirkwoods are played, strangely enough, by Jack and Lil Kirkwood. The music was composed and conducted by Irving Miller and Ray Buffum produced and directed. And now this is Jim Doyle saying good night from all of us to all of you. See you next week at home with the Kirkwood.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Ryan Seacrest here. When you have a busy schedule, it's important to maximize your downtime. One of the best ways to do that is by going to chumbacasino.com. chumba Casino has all your favorite social casino games like spin slots, bingo and solitaire that you can play for free for a chance to redeem some serious prizes. So hop on to chumbacasino.com now and live the Chumba life. Sponsored by Chumba Casino.

[Jack Kirkwood]

No purchase necessary VGW Group void where prohibited by law. 21/ Terms and Conditions apply.