Mr Ace and Jane 48-04-03 Cigarettes

Summary

Podcast Title: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode: Mr. Ace and Jane 48-04-03 Cigarettes
Release Date: August 13, 2025

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Introduction

In the bustling world of Golden Age Radio, "Mr. Ace and Jane" shines as a captivating comedy series that portrays the humorous dynamics of a classic radio couple. This episode, titled "Cigarettes", delves into the world of advertising, family obligations, and matrimonial aspirations, all wrapped in the witty banter that fans have come to love.

Characters and Setting

• Mr. Ace: A creative mind working at an advertising agency, often finding himself embroiled in comical predicaments.
• Jane: Mr. Ace's pragmatic and spirited wife, determined to improve her brother Paul's fortunes.
• Paul: Jane's brother, a man unemployed for 15 years, and the catalyst for much of the episode's humor.
• Mr. Norris: Mr. Ace's boss at the advertising agency, portrayed as a figure of authority and expectation.
• Ken Roberts: A neighbor and radio announcer who interacts with the main characters.
• Gordon: An advertising manager at Crown Cigarettes, pivotal in the plot's progression.

Setting Up the Conflict

The episode kicks off with Mr. Ace boasting about his role in an advertising agency:

Mr. Ace [00:08]: "The four names I work for are Sutton, Dutton, Mutton and Norris. In my office, I'm known as the idea man."

His humorous take on the complexities of advertising jargon sets the stage for the ensuing antics. Jane, observing Mr. Ace's dedication, introduces the central conflict:

Jane [03:33]: "And Dear, what do you think? She and her husband just got back from Florida. Only been gone three weeks. And honestly, she talks with a Southern drool."

Jane reveals her frustration with her brother Paul:

Jane [05:48]: "Dear, if you had to make up a list of all my relatives and list them according to how much you like them, where would you put my brother Paul?"

Mr. Ace's Advertising Idea

Mr. Ace unveils his latest advertising campaign for Crown Cigarettes:

Mr. Ace [04:26]: "This cigarette campaign I'm working on. I just got the most marvelous idea. You know the signs they have in subways and theaters that say no smoking. Now, Jane, don't tell this idea to anybody."

His innovative yet humorous slogan aims to replace existing "No Smoking" signs with:

Mr. Ace [05:00]: "No smoking. And on the line underneath it'll say, not even Crown cigarettes."

Jane's skepticism leads to further comedic exchanges:

Jane [05:29]: "All my relatives, which is your favorite?"
Mr. Ace [05:36]: "Your husband."

Jane's Plan for Paul

Determined to see her brother employed, Jane devises a strategic plan:

Jane [06:31]: "The answer is the boss's daughter. I figured out the only way for Paul to get ahead is to someday marry the boss's daughter."

Jane tasks Mr. Ace with writing a letter of recommendation for Paul, aiming to secure him a position that could lead to matrimony with the boss's daughter.

Paul's Pitch to the Advertising Agency

Paul, eager to change his stagnant career path, attempts to pitch Mr. Ace's idea directly to Mr. Norris:

Mr. Ace [10:03]: "Cigarette? I might be. What would it be worth to you?"

Paul humorously exploits the advertising industry's penchant for securing sensational ideas, attempting to negotiate:

Paul [10:08]: "Mr. Norris, I'm going to take a chance on you and tell you this idea."

This leads to a series of miscommunications and comedic tension between Mr. Ace and Paul, both vying for recognition and success within the agency.

Negotiations and Misunderstandings

As Mr. Ace grapples with his career and Paul's interference, Jane intervenes to smooth over tensions:

Jane [19:03]: "Well, I'm going to start a new business. I'm going to rent out hats. It's so much a day."

Her unexpected business venture adds another layer of humor, showcasing the chaotic yet endearing attempts to resolve family and professional dilemmas.

Furthermore, the interaction between Mr. Ace and Gordon highlights the challenges of the advertising world:

Mr. Ace [22:53]: "No smoking. Not even Crown cigarettes. Subway, department stores, theaters."

This slogan becomes the linchpin for the episode's resolution, emphasizing the campaign's success despite the internal conflicts.

Resolution and Conclusion

The episode concludes on a high note as Mr. Ace's campaign gains traction:

Mr. Ace [27:35]: "Well, we finally got the account. Everybody was happy. Mr. Norris was happy, Mr. Gordon was happy. Even my ulcers were happy."

Jane celebrates Mr. Ace's success, albeit with her own entrepreneurial twist:

Jane [28:38]: "Oh, but I've got the most marvelous idea, dear. I'm going to start a new business. I'm going to rent out hats. It's so much a day."

The harmonious blend of professional triumph and personal endeavors encapsulates the essence of the show's charm, leaving listeners with a delightful mix of laughter and warmth.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Mr. Ace [00:08]: "The four names I work for are Sutton, Dutton, Mutton and Norris. In my office, I'm known as the idea man."
• Jane [05:48]: "Dear, if you had to make up a list of all my relatives and list them according to how much you like them, where would you put my brother Paul?"
• Mr. Ace [05:00]: "No smoking. And on the line underneath it'll say, not even Crown cigarettes."
• Jane [06:31]: "The answer is the boss's daughter. I figured out the only way for Paul to get ahead is to someday marry the boss's daughter."
• Mr. Ace [19:03]: "What's the rest of it? Please, you've got to tell me the rest of it."
• Mr. Ace [22:53]: "No smoking. Not even Crown cigarettes. Subway, department stores, theaters."
• Jane [28:38]: "Oh, but I've got the most marvelous idea, dear. I'm going to start a new business. I'm going to rent out hats. It's so much a day."

Final Thoughts

"Mr. Ace and Jane" masterfully intertwines the trials of the advertising world with familial obligations, all while maintaining a comedic undertone that keeps listeners engaged. This episode not only entertains but also subtly comments on the intricacies of career ambitions and personal relationships, making it a memorable addition to Harold's Old Time Radio collection.

Transcript

[Mr. Ace]

From New York City, the Columbia Broadcasting System in cooperation with the United States army and the United States Air Force Recruiting Service presents the new Mr. Ace and Jane program, a weekly half hour comedy series starring radio's original comedy couple, the Aces. Once again, the strains of Manhattan serenade introduce the story of Mr. Ace and his wife Jane. Tonight, chapter eight, entitled Mr. Ace Decides that Jane's brother Paul, who Hasn't worked in 15 years, must get a job and make some money. And Jane decides Paul should get a job where he can marry the boss's daughter and make a lot of money combining romance with finance. Or as Mr. H puts it, the guy won't work for love or money. I'll tell you all about this fantastic character in just a moment. Before Mr. Ace tells us his story, I want to get in my story about the United States army and the United States Air Force. Today, more and more of America's finest young men are finding that an army or an Air Force career offers greater opportunity than almost any civilian career. Why? Well, where else can a young man find security, education, travel, adventure, housing, medical care, clothes, all those things plus good pay. The answer is proven by the fact that every day a thousand young men volunteer for our army and our Air Force. And these men are physically and mentally the highest type men ever to be in service. Isn't that proof enough that the army or the Air Force could be a mighty good bet for you? And now, Mr. A. What was that about your brother in law? Well, first I want to tell you I work for an advertising agency. You know what that is? An advertising agency is four names always referred to by their initials. For instance, Lewis, Smith, Mansfield and Finnegan are known as lsmf. Nice opening there for a man named Thompson. One of the big advertising agencies which did such wonderful work on bill posters during the war asking America to go all out, you know, is a firm of Fitzmaurice, Fitzmaurice, Fitzmaurice and Fitzmaurice. Known to the trade as 4F. Well, did you ever try to contact somebody at an advertising agency? It goes something like this. Yes, this is Fitzmaurice, Fitzmaurice, Fitzmaurice and Fitzmaurice. Let me speak to Mr. Fitzmaurice. He's in Walter Reed Hospital. Well, let me talk to Mr. Fitzmaurice then. He's at the Mayo Clinic. Well, then I'll talk to Mr. Fitzmaurice. He's in Bellevue. Okay, then can I talk to Mr. Fitzmaurice? Speaking. The four names I work for are Sutton, Dutton, Mutton and Norris. In my office, I'm known as the idea man. That is, every time Mr. Norris catches me lounging around, he says, what's the idea? He. He doesn't know. I do my important thinking when I'm lounging, so I have to do my thinking at home after dinner. It's very peaceful and quiet at my home after dinner with only Jane and me there.

[Jane]

And. Dear, what do you think? She and her husband just got back from Florida. Only been gone three weeks. And honestly, she talks with a Southern drool.

[Mr. Ace]

It's so easy to concentrate at my home.

[Jane]

And you should have seen the way he was dressed. Honestly, he looked like a page out of escrow.

[Mr. Ace]

It's. It's so restful.

[Jane]

And here's the best part. Her hair has a dark blue rim. Honestly, she blew her top.

[Mr. Ace]

But. But this night, when I was trying to think of an original advertising idea for a new cigarette, Jane had something else on her mind.

[Jane]

Dear, of all my relatives, which is your favorite?

[Mr. Ace]

Yes, Jane, that's right, dear.

[Jane]

You're not listening to me. Stop writing a minute.

[Mr. Ace]

Wait a minute. Jane, this is very important. And. And I've got it. Eureka.

[Jane]

I do.

[Mr. Ace]

No, no, I say I've got it.

[Jane]

Yes, what is it? What have you got?

[Mr. Ace]

This cigarette campaign I'm working on. I just got the most marvelous idea. You know the signs they have in subways and theaters that say no smoking. Now, Jane, don't tell this idea to anybody.

[Jane]

Oh, cross my eyes.

[Mr. Ace]

I won't tell because I'm not even. I'm not even going to tell Mr. Norris about this one. I'm going sell this client single handed.

[Jane]

Well, what is it, dear?

[Mr. Ace]

Well, this is for a new cigarette that's just come out. Crown Cigarettes. Now, every place where they have those no smoking signs, we're going to replace those signs with this new one that I just made up. It says no smoking. And on the line underneath it'll say, not even Crown cigarettes. How's that, Jane? Huh?

[Jane]

Is that what you've been sitting here thinking about all evening?

[Mr. Ace]

Oh, Jane, you'd kill me.

[Jane]

All right.

[Mr. Ace]

Oh.

[Jane]

Do you get extra money for this idea?

[Mr. Ace]

Oh, no, I don't get any extra money. Job to think up ideas. That's what makes me an important cog in the machinery down there. Don't you get the point of this wonderful idea, Jane? When you see a no smoking sign, that's when you want a cigarette more than ever. And our signs will remind them of Crown cigarettes. It's psychological, you see, Jane, Dear, of.

[Jane]

All my relatives, which is your favorite?

[Mr. Ace]

We're back to that again.

[Jane]

Well, which is your favorite of all my relatives?

[Mr. Ace]

Your husband.

[Jane]

Oh, him.

[Mr. Ace]

Yes.

[Jane]

Oh, him. Oh, dear, you're soft.

[Mr. Ace]

Yes, I know.

[Jane]

Well, so much for joking.

[Mr. Ace]

Yeah, so much.

[Jane]

Dear, if you had to make up a list of all my relatives and list them according to how much you like them, where would you put my brother Paul?

[Mr. Ace]

Your brother Paul?

[Jane]

Yes.

[Mr. Ace]

Oh, I'd put him way down there. Somewhere between your mother and the St. Louis Browns.

[Jane]

Dear, you never did like Paul and you always will.

[Mr. Ace]

Well, the guy won't go to work.

[Jane]

Oh, but he will. That's just it. We had a long talk today and he decided he's going to get a job. I told him.

[Mr. Ace]

Oh, you told him.

[Jane]

All I want you to do now is give him a letter of recommendation so he can get a job with a concern.

[Mr. Ace]

For that, I'll even perjure myself.

[Jane]

It's about time you did something for Paul.

[Mr. Ace]

Yeah. How do you suddenly decide to go to work after 15 years?

[Jane]

A very good question.

[Mr. Ace]

It is.

[Jane]

And the answer is the boss's daughter.

[Mr. Ace]

What?

[Jane]

I figured out the only way for Paul to get ahead is to someday marry the boss's daughter. But he has to get a job to get a boss to get his daughter. See how it worked out?

[Mr. Ace]

Jane, you amaze me.

[Jane]

Later.

[Mr. Ace]

What?

[Jane]

All I want you to do now is write the letter to this concern.

[Mr. Ace]

All right. If he's really going to work, I'll write a letter of recommendation. But to what concern?

[Jane]

To whom? It may.

[Mr. Ace]

Oh, that concern. So after 15 years of sponging off of me, Paul was going to work? Yes. It was 15 years ago when Paul, as best man, accompanied Jane down the aisle. And I heard a voice say to me, do you take this man to be your lawful wedded brother in law? Paul is a building under construction. Through a peephole critic. A sort of George G. Not. When. When he saw the Empire State Building go up, he said, too tall. When he saw the Chrysler Building go up, he said, too pointy. When he saw the Paramount Theater building go up, he said, two in the balcony. The. The morning after I. The morning after I wrote that letter of recommendation. They were having labor trouble at one of Paul's construction jobs. And Paul would never cross a picket line to get to his people. So he stopped at the house to see Jane.

[Jane]

Well, Paul, here it is. Here's the letter of recommendation.

[Mr. Ace]

So he finally condescended to write me one, did he?

[Jane]

Uh huh.

[Mr. Ace]

Got in the hot coffee. James.

[Jane]

Oh, sure, help yourself. Paul, I haven't cleared away breakfast yet. Shall I read you what he wrote?

[Mr. Ace]

Yes, go ahead. Oh, biscuits. Fine.

[Jane]

Here's what it says. To whom it may concern. I have known Paul Sherwood for 15 years and I have always found him to be 5ft 8 inches tall and sound of appetite. He has integrity, ambition, loyalty, honesty, devotion and my camel's hair overcoat.

[Mr. Ace]

Oh, a wise guy, huh?

[Jane]

I added a PS myself. P S. He goes to church religiously.

[Mr. Ace]

Look, Jane, I don't need his letter. I got myself a job.

[Jane]

You are? Where?

[Mr. Ace]

At the post office. I signed up this morning.

[Jane]

Post office? But how about a job where you marry the boss's daughter?

[Mr. Ace]

How do you like that guy? Still griping about that camel's hair overcoat he gave me two years ago. Maybe he wants it back. What's the matter? The advertising business bad?

[Jane]

Oh, to be contrary, it's very good. Last night he thought up the most marvelous idea for Crown cigarettes. You know where they have signs that say no smoking. And subways and theaters and department stores. Well, he's got a new idea for those signs. They're going to say no smoking. Not even Crown cigarettes.

[Mr. Ace]

Not even Crown cigarettes.

[Jane]

Hey.

[Mr. Ace]

Yeah, it's pretty good. He ought to get a good hunk of money for an idea like that.

[Jane]

Oh, he doesn't get an extra money. It's his job to think up ideas. That's what makes him a big clog in the machinery.

[Mr. Ace]

No extra money. How do you like that? I'll bet if an outsider like me brought that idea into an advertising company, I could get a thousand dollars for it. Or maybe a couple of thousands too. Cheese. Why didn't he give me the idea? I'd take it in to his boss and sell it for him and get some real dough for it.

[Jane]

Oh, he didn't even tell it to Mr. Norris yet. He wants to put over this deal single headed.

[Mr. Ace]

Didn't tell Mr. North, huh?

[Jane]

No, he didn't.

[Mr. Ace]

Well, sis, maybe I'm not too late. I'll go right over there and sell this idea for him myself right now.

[Jane]

But Paul, how about your job at the post office? Don't you have to go to work?

[Mr. Ace]

I got plenty of time. I don't start there till the Christmas rush. Let me see. If you murder somebody, that's homicide, isn't it? If you murder your brother, that's fratricide. If I murdered my brother in law, that would be insecticide, wouldn't it? Get a load of this next scene. Paul doesn't even bother with secretaries. He just walks right in. Excuse me, I'm looking for Mr. Dutton. Mr. Dutton is in Walter Reed Hospital. Ah, Let me see Mr. Sutton. He's at the Mayo Clinic. Well, then I'll talk to Mr. Mutton. He's in Bellevue. Okay, then can I talk to Mr. Norris?

[Jane]

Speaking.

[Mr. Ace]

Ah, Mr. Norris, my name is Paul Sherwood. Does that name mean anything to you? Nothing at all. Oh, that's good. But it's going to mean something to you, and I'm through here. Are you interested in a sensational idea for a cigarette campaign? Cigarette? I might be. What would it be worth to you? For the right idea, we'd pay handsomely. How much is handsomely? Handsome is as handsome does, I always say. Well, could you get as handsome as $5,000? Well, I don't know. What is this sensational idea? Mr. Norris, I'm going to take a chance on you and tell you this idea. You seem like a man of integrity, ambition, loyalty, honesty, devotion and a camel's hair overcoat. Yes, I'm going to tell you this idea. There's a new cigarette on the market called Crown. Yes, I happen to be very familiar with that cigarette. Well, then, this is just what you want. You know those signs that read no smoking? No smoking. You mean like in the subways? That's the idea. Well, right under that no smoking, we add some words. Now, the sign reads no smoking. Not even Crown cigarettes. Well, Mr. Norris, that is a sensational idea. Sensational. If we don't get that account with. Just a minute. I want to get our man in here to hear this. Ms. Philpott, ask Mr. Ace to step in here immediately. Have a chair, Mr. Sherwood. Is that the name? That's right, yes. Well, sit down, sit down. Now, how about that handsome reward, Mr. Norris? I'll do even better than that. If we sell this account, besides giving you a bonus, I can place you on our staff if you can come up with ideas like this one. Oh, don't worry. There's plenty of ideas where that one came from. Good, good. I could place you in our idea department with Mr. Ace. He's been a little sluggish lately, and you'll be just the spark plug he needs. Two heads are better than one, I always say. Yes, Mr. Norris, you stand for. You stand for. Come right in, Mr. Ace. Mr. Ace, I want you to meet Mr. Sherwood. I'm glad to meet you, Mr. Ace. I'm glad. What. What brings you here? This building has been finished for years. Mr. Mr. Sherwood is here with a sensational idea for that cigarette. Campaign, Mr. Sherwood. A cigarette idea. What? What is it? You know those no smoking signs in subways? Well, we're adding a line. No smoking. Not even Crown cigarettes. He, he. He thought of this, Mr. Sherwood, is just what you need, Mr. Ace. Solve your whole problem as head of your department. Right. Yes. Neat. A hole in the head. Yes. Well, gentlemen, let's get going. Now, supposing you two hop right down to that cigarette company and spring the idea on them. I'm ready. Coming, Mr. Ace. Well, that is, Mr. H. Come on, snap into it. This young fellow here is anxious to get going. That's what I'd like to see around this organization. Young blood. Young blood. You would? That's an idea. Come on, Mr. Sherwood, let's step outside. See you later, Mr. Norris. Good luck, gentlemen. Young blood. No, no, no. Wait a minute, brother. Take it easy. He wants to see young blood. Come to my office. Paul, I'm doing this for your. For your own good. I'm going to get you some real money for this idea. Blood. I wonder if he's got any. I'll know in a minute. He promised me 5,000 bucks for this idea. Sure, it's insecticide, but it's justifiable. Here we are, Paul. Step into my office, will you, Paul? I'll open the door. No, no, no, no. Now wait a minute. Stop kidding around. Put down that letter opener. Not only are we gonna make all this money, but I'm gonna work here. Work? You work here? Yeah. Norris promised me a job. For 15 years you've been hollering for me to get a job, and now that I've got one, you want to spoil the whole thing. Wait till I tell Jane on you. All right, Paul, we'll go over to that cigarette company. But if you do anything to spoil this deal, I'm. Honestly. Paul, for what you did today, you ought to be hung. The word is hanged. Hanging's too good for you. Come on, let's go. You know, someday I'm going to write a book called Inside the Advertising Business. I use the word inside advisedly because it's going to be all about ulcers. In the. In the advertising business, the ulcer is a badge of merit. A man's prominence in the profession is judged by the number of ulcers he keeps. I'm almost ashamed to tell you this, but I'm only a two ulcer man myself. My oldest will be five next month. Lester, we call him the little one, is just two. Oh, many's a night I've walked the floor with him, Hubble is his name. When things begin to tighten up, I get communiques from the boys. In fact, right after this scene with Paul, one of my ulcers said to.

[Jane]

The other, hey, Lester, what's going on up there?

[Mr. Ace]

He just had an argument with his brother in law. Oh, Paul, his sister in law? Yeah, that's the one. Good old Paul. He's really a lousy name. Hey, don't you say that about Paul. It's guys like him that keep us going. If you think that's something, wait till.

[Jane]

He finds out what Jane's doing.

[Mr. Ace]

Gonna be a hot time in the old town tonight. And. And they were so right. To the confusion of this cigarette campaign, something new has been added. Ken Roberts, our next door neighbor, he's the radio announcer. Always feeling off commercials like. Like ladies. Be sure to try Tepzic. You'll know it's full of natural goodness. You'll know it's full of rich vitamins. And you will say, as others have said, I know what tepsic is full of. As if I didn't have enough aggravation being introduced to my own brother in law down at my office. Ken was introducing a new idea to Jane out of my home when something like this. Jane, that's a wonderful advertising stunt for the Crown Cigarette Company.

[Jane]

You do, Camp?

[Mr. Ace]

Yeah, and I can help Paul sell it because the advertising manager there happens to be a very good friend of mine.

[Jane]

You are, Camp?

[Mr. Ace]

Oh, sure. Jane, when's your brother going over there?

[Jane]

Well, I don't know. I don't know where he went. He walked out of here and said he was going to get rich. But I don't think he knows where to go.

[Mr. Ace]

Well, Jane, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll take you over and introduce you to this man and you can sell him the idea.

[Jane]

Me? Uh huh. Yes. I'll sell him the idea and he can give Paul a job and Paul can marry the boss's daughter and we can settle the whole thing in one swell foup.

[Mr. Ace]

Yeah. Well, when do you want to go, Jane?

[Jane]

No sooner said the better. I'll only be a minute. I'll put on my new suit with my sincere blouse. Wait for me, Ken. Don't go away.

[Mr. Ace]

Okay. Jane, I want to read over this commercial I'm doing on a show tonight. I'll read it out loud so you can hear me in there.

[Jane]

What did you say?

[Mr. Ace]

Ken, listen to this. Make a note of this state, America. Next Tuesday, April 6th, Army Day. On that day, the Army National Guard and organized Reserve Corps will be your hosts at local army posts and armories throughout the nation. Watch your local newspapers for the time and place and plan now to visit Army Day exhibits in your community. When you get to know today's new regular army, you'll realize how much it is contributing to our better living and better health through constant scientific research. You realize, too, that the army benefits all America by educating, training and upgrading our young men. Yes, thousands of our finest young men are today continuing their education on high school and college levels while serving in the Army. So next Tuesday, meet these men who make up our Army. Support what they're doing by urging other young men to investigate the many advantages of an army career or to join the National Guard, the organized Reserve Corps or ROTC unit. Try talking with any recruiting office and you'll discover how many enlistment choices are now offered. And remember, it is true today that an army career can be one of the finest careers any young man can choose. It's also true, more than ever before that only a strong America can be a peaceful America.

[Jane]

Okay, Ken, I'm ready. Not many girls can get dressed in one commercial, can they?

[Mr. Ace]

Well, for now, I'm really sitting pretty. How can I miss? I'm a cinch. I've got my brother in law helping me out at the office and my wife going direct to the cigarette company and getting there ahead of me yet. And Ken leading her there alone with this guy Gordon.

[Jane]

I Love your office, Mr. Gordon. Those lovely drapes and that indiscreet lighting.

[Mr. Ace]

Yes, yes, but I. I gotta get a slogan. New cigarette campaign. Gotta have something new. Been at it two weeks now. Yes, new slogan. They're roasted. They're toasted. No, no, that's been used. Everything I think of has been used. Mustn't get excited. Gotta keep cool. Gotta keep cool. No, no. Right for. You haven't slept in two weeks.

[Jane]

My goodness, Mr. Gordon, you're bringing the camel at both ends. Yes, yes.

[Mr. Ace]

I'd walk a mile. No, no, that's being used. Excuse me. Men's a dream, Mrs. H?

[Jane]

No, thanks. I had a sandwich on the way. Ken treated me.

[Mr. Ace]

Ken? Yes, Ken said you've got an idea. Got a slogan. Pay anything for it. Anything at all. Name your price. Got a slogan?

[Jane]

Well, yes, I have, but there's something else beside money I have to talk about first.

[Mr. Ace]

Something beside money? Is there something beside money?

[Jane]

Well, yes. There's my brother Paul, you see. Well, I guess I better begin at the beguine.

[Mr. Ace]

Yes, let's begin at the Beguine. Shall we dance? No. What is it? What's the slope? Come on, come on.

[Jane]

Make it smack, please. Not so fast, Mr. Gordon. You're going to smirk, Andrew. You haven't even simulated a price.

[Mr. Ace]

Any price. I gotta get out of here. I haven't seen my wife and daughter in two weeks.

[Jane]

Oh, your wife and daughter. Now we're getting down to breath. Can I ask you a question, Mr. Gordon? Are they married?

[Mr. Ace]

No. That is, my wife is.

[Jane]

Yes, she's married.

[Mr. Ace]

So am I. What's that got to do with it? You got a slogan? If I like it, I'll give you a check for $1,000. What's the slogan? Thousand dollars.

[Jane]

Oh, no, that's only half of it. The other half is my brother Paul. What do you mean, half?

[Mr. Ace]

Isn't $1,000 enough?

[Jane]

Oh, the thousand dollars. Only half of the deal. I'll give you half of the slogan for it. No smoking. That's all I'll tell you.

[Mr. Ace]

No smoking. No smoking. Nobody's using that. Nobody would use it.

[Jane]

But that's only half of it. The rest of it is what counts.

[Mr. Ace]

No smoking. What could it be? No smoking. What is it you gotta tell me, please.

[Jane]

Well, will you let my brother meet your daughter? Because I made plans for Paul to marry the boss's daughter.

[Mr. Ace]

Marry My daughter. Your brother, my daughter. My daughter's only three years old.

[Jane]

Oh, that's sweet. Only three. Well, I'm barking up the wrong dog. I'll be back in 15 years. Mr. Gordon, it's been nice meeting you.

[Mr. Ace]

Now, wait a minute. What about that slogan?

[Jane]

No, I'm sorry, Mr. Gordon. I'm gonna take it some place else where I can get some money and Paul can meet the boss's daughter. It's a matter of dollars and sex.

[Mr. Ace]

No, no, you can't go. Please, don't take it anyplace else. They've all got slogans. Cool. Cool. They satisfy. They're toasted. They're roasted. No smoking.

[Jane]

No smoking.

[Mr. Ace]

What's the rest of it? Please, you've got to tell me the rest of it. Let me see if I can guess.

[Jane]

Oh, you can't guess it, Mr. Gordon. It's like looking for a noodle in a haystack.

[Mr. Ace]

No smoking. No smoking.

[Jane]

I can't stand it.

[Mr. Ace]

I gotta know. Oh, excuse me for interrupting the action here, but I've been dying to tell you that while this gruesome little scene between Jane and Mr. Gordon was going on in his office, Paul and I have been waiting in the outer office not knowing what was keeping Mr. Gordon so long. The longer we waited, the lower I felt. Paul was sitting there calmly reading an old copy of Fortune magazine while I was pacing up and down. Finally, I stopped to look out of an open window of the 43rd floor office. Hey, come here and sit down. What are you looking out that window for? It's leap year. Paul, if something happens to spoil this deal. Stop talking like that. What's going on out there that you're staring at? Let me see. He's not staring at us. Hey, look. They're starting excavating down there on 39th. Oh, great. I didn't think they were gonna get started for another. Hey, look, steam shovel's in there already. He likes that. What do you say? I'd better get down there. Paul, you mean. I'm sorry, but I've been waiting for this thing for six months now. But, Paul, Mr. Norris said. I'll see you later. You explain the idea to Mr. Gordon. You mean to tell him that you were hypnotized by a steam shovel? Oh, isn't that awful? How did I ever get mixed up with him? I'm going into Gordon's office and get this thing over with. Mrs. H, please, I implore you on bended knees. I entreat you. What is the rest of it?

[Jane]

I'm sorry, Mr. Gordon.

[Mr. Ace]

What's going on? Jane?

[Jane]

Oh, hello, dear.

[Mr. Ace]

What are you doing here?

[Jane]

Just fine.

[Mr. Ace]

What's he doing down there? I'm looking for a noodle in a haystack. What? Logan. Something new.

[Jane]

Cool. Cool.

[Mr. Ace]

They're posted. That's venues. Something new for a cigarette. What is this? Who are you? I'm Mr. Ace. Mr. Ace? Yes. You're the man who wants to marry my daughter. Yes. I came over. No, no. Marry your daughter.

[Jane]

Vincent Gordon, this is my husband. He doesn't want to marry your daughter. He's being used.

[Mr. Ace]

He's. Yes. What does she mean, no smoking? Please, you gotta tell me. She's driving me besmirch. Oh, no. I offered her any price she would stimulate. Oh, brother. Please, Mr. H. Let's begin at the begin. Oh, murder.

[Jane]

Can you help me out?

[Mr. Ace]

No smoking. Do you know anything about this slogan? Well, I'm in the advertising business with Sutton, Dutton, Mutton and Norris.

[Jane]

Advertising?

[Mr. Ace]

Yeah, me too. Gordon's the name. Seven ulcer man. Oh, really? Eight. Only two. But I'm expecting Mr. Raza. I've got half a slogan.

[Jane]

Can you finish it?

[Mr. Ace]

No smoking. Finish it and I'll give you the account. Well, that's a little tough. On the spur of the moment, Mr. Gordon. But let me see. How about.

[Jane]

No, don't tell him.

[Mr. Ace]

Go home. Here you are, Mr. Gordon. How's this sound? No smoking. No. Not even Crown cigarettes. Yes. Yes. No smoking. Not even Crown cigarettes. Subway, department stores, theaters.

[Jane]

That's it.

[Mr. Ace]

That's the greatest boon to cigarette advertising since fe. Yeah, that'll make. That'll make Crown cigarettes the biggest cigarette in the cigarette world. Mr. Ace, have a cigar. Cigar. Thank you. In just a moment, Mr. Racing, is that. Tell us what happened when the no smoking signs went up. This is Ken Roberts again, and right now I want to talk directly to those young men who are thinking of joining our new regular army. When you do apply, be sure to consider enlistment in the combat arms, the real fighting heart of the army. In these combat arms, you'll find the adventure and excitement which go with fast movement, quick decisions and rear leadership. Yes, it's in the infantry, the artillery and the armored cavalry that we find the elite troops of the entire army. And it's in these forces that we find the greatest comradeship and esprit de corps, too. Talk over enlistment to the combat arms with your local recruiting office and chances are you'll find they offer you a challenging experience along with a fine future. And now, Mr. A. How did you make out with that cigarette campaign? Well, we finally got the account. Everybody was happy. Mr. Norris was happy, Mr. Gordon was happy. Even my ulcers were happy.

[Jane]

Hey, Lester, he's feeling too good. Shall I let him have it?

[Mr. Ace]

Oh, lay off him, Hubble. He's had a tough enough time. Even. Even Jane was happy.

[Jane]

Dear, I was so proud of you today. I went to a department store just to see one of your no smoking signs.

[Mr. Ace]

Oh, well, thanks, Jane.

[Jane]

Oh, it certainly is, it is. And I said to the girl in the millinery department where they had a sale on $55 hats marked down to 15 and $75 hats marked down to 20, all of them original models and the most stunning style cartwheels off the face hats, flowered turbans, big floppy marlins. The loveliest hats I've seen this season.

[Mr. Ace]

Whatever became of me in this shuffle here? You started out about my sign in the department store.

[Jane]

Oh, the sign. Well, I said to the girl in the dollar department, I said, my husband made up that sign. And she said, he did? Shall I charge these or is it cash? And I said, oh, my husband who made up that sign will pay for them.

[Mr. Ace]

And she said, wait just a minute. Pay for What?

[Jane]

I bought 25 hats.

[Mr. Ace]

25? Oh, Jane, you're letting my money go to your head, aren't you?

[Jane]

Oh, but I've got the most marvelous idea, dear. I'm going to start a new business. I'm going to rent out hats. It's so much a day.

[Mr. Ace]

Rent out hats?

[Jane]

Yeah. It's like renting out a book at a library, only I'll do it with hats. I'm going to call it land lid.

[Mr. Ace]

And. And she did, too tell you all about that one next week. Good night.

[Jane]

Me Too.

[Mr. Ace]

Is written by Goodman H. Original music conducted by Morris Durkin. This is cbs, the Columbia Broadcasting setup.