My Favorite Husband 48-09-17 (009) Liz and the General

Summary

Podcast Summary: "My Favorite Husband 48-09-17 (009) Liz and the General"

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Introduction

In the captivating episode titled "Liz and the General" from "My Favorite Husband", hosted by Harold's Old Time Radio, listeners are transported back to the Golden Age of Radio. This episode, released on May 7, 2025, showcases the charming and humorous dynamics between Liz and George Cougat, a married couple navigating everyday life, and their eccentric neighbor, General Timberlake. The story is brilliantly brought to life by Lucille Ball as Liz and Richard Denning as George.

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The Morning Routine

The episode opens with the familiar setting of the Cougat household. Liz and George are having breakfast, highlighting their established routines and the subtle tensions that arise from their interactions.

[00:04] Narrator: "This is the story of Mr. And Mrs. The record of a happy marriage."

Liz attempts to engage George during breakfast, but George is engrossed in the morning paper, leading to a playful exchange about Liz's "slow burn" at George's preoccupation.

Liz Cougat [00:58]: "George, pay some attention to me."

George Cougat [01:01]: "All right. Liz? Hmm? Your hair is thinning out."

This exchange sets the tone for their relationship—filled with light-hearted banter and underlying affection.

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Introducing General Timberlake

The episode takes a comedic turn with the introduction of General Timberlake, an old military man who lives next door. George and Liz reminisce about past mishaps involving the General, establishing his quirky and overbearing personality.

General Timberlake [01:49]: "Do you still remember that?"

Liz Cougat [01:50]: "Yes. Every time I climbed through the window."

Their history with the General includes amusing incidents like the failed attempt to fix the house lock and accidental rewiring that caused lights to flicker.

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Liz’s Attempt to Befriend the General

Concerned about the General's recent reclusiveness, Liz decides to visit him, hoping to cheer him up and rekindle his social interactions. This leads to a series of humorous reenactments of historical battles, orchestrated by the General's military fervor.

Liz Cougat [03:38]: "I think I'll go over and visit him."

Upon arrival, Liz engages the General, who initially responds with military jargon and exaggerated tales of battles he supposedly fought in, including the "Battle of Bull Run."

General Timberlake [06:06]: "Yeah, Ain't felt so good since the Battle of Bull Run."

However, Liz quickly corrects the General's historical inaccuracies, revealing his tendency to mix fiction with reality.

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A Day with the General: Reenacting Battles

Determined to lift the General's spirits, Liz agrees to spend the afternoon with him. What follows is a comical series of attempted historical reenactments in their living room, complete with improvised costumes and strategies.

General Timberlake [11:16]: "We'll recreate some of the big battles of the past."

The General's enthusiasm leads to chaotic yet entertaining scenarios, such as charging San Juan Hill and attempting the Ride of Paul Revere, all while Liz and George struggle to keep up.

Liz Cougat [13:03]: "So long, Bunker Hill."

General Timberlake [12:39]: "We're just beginning to."

These antics showcase the Generals' over-the-top dedication to his military past and Liz's patience and good-natured participation.

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Dinner with Winifred Higgins

In an effort to mediate between the General and the librarian, Winifred Higgins, Liz organizes a dinner party. Her goal is to foster camaraderie and resolve lingering tensions between them.

Liz Cougat [19:06]: "We'll have them both over for dinner."

However, the dinner does not go as planned. The Generals' military stories clash with Winifred's dedication to the library, leading to a humorous confrontation over books stained with food.

Winifred Higgins [22:28]: "Mrs. Cougar, it's very sweet of you trying to patch things up with a certain party who mutilate books in the public library."

General Timberlake [22:16]: "I like to eat whilst I'm reading."

This segment highlights the contrasting personalities and hobbies of the guests, adding depth to the comedic tension.

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The Climax: General's Confession and Resolution

The evening reaches its peak when the General admits he was using Liz to make Winifred jealous, revealing a softer side beneath his military exterior.

General Timberlake [25:02]: "I was just trying to make Ms. Higgins jealous."

Liz expresses her frustration with the day's events, feeling overwhelmed by the Generals' unpredictable behavior.

Liz Cougat [24:12]: "When it comes to messing things up, I can out mess anybody in the whole world."

Eventually, the General reconciles with Winifred Higgins, and peace is restored between all parties.

General Timberlake [25:55]: "I don't mind, Ms. Kat? I really was."

Liz Cougat [25:56]: "I never want to live through two days like this again."

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Conclusion: A Peaceful Evening

As the episode draws to a close, Liz and George reflect on the day’s chaotic events. The General bids farewell, and the couple shares a heartfelt moment, highlighting the strength of their relationship amidst the chaos.

Liz Cougat [28:37]: "I'm lucky to be married to you."

George Cougat [28:06]: "Why? Because if I weren't, I'd get in a lot of trouble sneaking over here every night for a kiss good night."

The episode ends on a warm note, emphasizing themes of friendship, patience, and the enduring bond between Liz and George.

George Cougat [25:17]: "The end of a perfect day."

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Notable Quotes

• Liz Cougat: "George, pay some attention to me." [00:58]

• General Timberlake: "Do you still remember that?" [01:49]

• Liz Cougat: "If you don't kiss me right now, I'll come to breakfast tomorrow morning. And curlers in a mud pack." [02:33]

• General Timberlake: "And then we knocked over Bunker Hill and spent an hour together in the dark." [21:43]

• Liz Cougat: "The General's unpredictable. He probably won't visit us again for days." [24:29]

• George Cougat: "Why? Because if I weren't, I'd get in a lot of trouble sneaking over here every night for a kiss good night." [28:06]

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Final Thoughts

"Liz and the General" masterfully blends humor with heartfelt moments, showcasing the complexities of neighborly relationships and marital bonds. Through witty dialogue and engaging scenarios, this episode offers both laughter and warmth, making it a delightful listen for fans of classic radio shows and newcomers alike.

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For Listeners Unfamiliar with the Episode

This episode is a quintessential example of the charm and wit found in "My Favorite Husband." It highlights the comedic talents of Lucille Ball and Richard Denning, delivering a story that balances humor with relatable domestic scenarios. Whether you're revisiting the Golden Age of Radio or discovering it for the first time, "Liz and the General" promises an entertaining and endearing experience.

Transcript

[Narrator]

We present My Favorite Husband, a new series based on Isabel Scott roerich's gay, sophisticated Mr. And Mrs. Cugat. Starring Lucille Ball. With Richard Denning. This is the story of Mr. And Mrs. The record of a happy marriage. Well, as we look in on the cougats this morning, the scene is familiar. Breakfast is being served in its usual manner. Liz and George are seated in their usual places, and the only sounds to be heard are the tick of the automatic toaster and the soft, cozy snap of George's cereal. But wait a minute. Can't you smell something burning? Is it the toast or the bacon or. Oh, I see. It's Liz doing a slow burn at George because, as usual, he has his nose buried in the morning paper.

[Liz Cougat]

George, pay some attention to me.

[George Cougat]

All right. Liz? Hmm? Your hair is thinning out.

[Liz Cougat]

Put down that paper.

[George Cougat]

Why?

[Liz Cougat]

That's not my head you're patting. It's a cantaloupe.

[George Cougat]

Oh.

[Liz Cougat]

You'Re always so businesslike in the morning. Why don't we ever have the kind of breakfast we had when we were first married? Remember those?

[George Cougat]

I certainly do.

[Liz Cougat]

What do you remember most?

[George Cougat]

The burned toast and the lumpy cereal.

[Liz Cougat]

Now, George, I tried to be a good cook.

[George Cougat]

Yes, you did. You tried everything. You know, it was very smart of you to butter the toast with Unguentine so it wouldn't burn.

[Liz Cougat]

All right, maybe when we were first married, I couldn't cook. But you weren't handy around the house either. You couldn't even fix the lock on the bathroom door.

[George Cougat]

Oh, Liz, that was 10 years ago.

[General Timberlake]

Do you.

[George Cougat]

Do you still remember that?

[Liz Cougat]

Yes. Every time I climbed through the window.

[George Cougat]

I'm ready to call a truce.

[Liz Cougat]

And how about the time you rewired the house?

[George Cougat]

Oh, now, don't bring that up.

[Liz Cougat]

For two weeks, when you pushed the doorbell, the lights went on in the attic. Now, Liz, I ran upstairs so many times I felt like a lighthouse keeper.

[George Cougat]

I said truce. Now, how about a big, early morning kiss?

[Liz Cougat]

There's nothing I'd rather do.

[George Cougat]

Well, come close to me.

[Liz Cougat]

Close enough?

[George Cougat]

No, real close.

[Liz Cougat]

How's this?

[George Cougat]

Swell. Now put your arms around me.

[Liz Cougat]

Oh, George.

[George Cougat]

Now scratch my back.

[Liz Cougat]

George Coolgot. If you don't kiss me right now, I'll come to breakfast tomorrow morning. And curlers in a mud pack. I thought that would do it.

[George Cougat]

Don't be silly. I'd kiss you anytime, anywhere, anyplace. What are you giggling about?

[Liz Cougat]

How about 3 o' clock in the YWCA steam room?

[George Cougat]

It's a date.

[Liz Cougat]

George, you know, maybe you shouldn't kiss Me? In front of the windows? The neighbors might see us.

[George Cougat]

Who? The Chamberlains aren't home, and old General Timberlake is too near sighted to see anything this far away.

[Liz Cougat]

Not when he uses binoculars.

[George Cougat]

General Timberlake? What a character.

[Liz Cougat]

Georgia General's just except eccentric. He's a dear old man.

[George Cougat]

Yeah. You didn't call him a dear old man the day you were having a garden party and he turned on the sprinklers.

[Liz Cougat]

I don't care. I think he's sweet.

[George Cougat]

I suppose he was sweet the day Katie was airing my raccoon coat and he shot it full of holes because he thought it was a bear.

[Liz Cougat]

Well, he explained he didn't have on his glasses.

[George Cougat]

Well, even without his glasses, how could he think a bear would have a Yale pennant in his pocket?

[Liz Cougat]

Oh, now, dear, don't be so hard on him. You know, I've been worried about the General lately. He used to take long walks every day, and he hasn't been out of the house all week. I think I'll go over and visit him.

[George Cougat]

You're really asking for it. He'll bore you to death with those stories of battles he claims he was in.

[Liz Cougat]

Well, how do you know? Some of them may be true. Anyway, I think I'll go see if anything's wrong.

[George Cougat]

Oh, that sounds like Cory Cartwright's horn. I guess it's time to leave for the bank.

[Liz Cougat]

George, every time Cory drives you to the bank in that car, I worry.

[George Cougat]

Why?

[Liz Cougat]

Because that car is built for parking, not driving. Reclining seats, indirect lighting, hot and cold running chorus girl. That isn't a car, it's a nightclub.

[George Cougat]

Well, Cory does a lot of his entertaining there.

[Liz Cougat]

He thinks he's such a Casanova.

[George Cougat]

Cory's a lot of fun. Good morning, George. Liz.

[Liz Cougat]

Morning.

[Narrator]

Care for a lollipop, anybody?

[George Cougat]

Where did you get a lollipop? I had a friend out for a date last night, and she left it in the car.

[Liz Cougat]

Cory, it's about time you went out with older girls.

[George Cougat]

Oh, I do, Liz. I finally met the girl I'm really in love. Her name is Daphne McCormick. Here's a picture of her. Hmm, not bad.

[Liz Cougat]

George, I told you not to read at breakfast.

[George Cougat]

Isn't she a ravishing creature, though? Look at those lines, that color that. The modern design. And all those extras, too. Terrific. Terrific. She's the reason Good Sam turned bad. Hey, it's time we left for the bank. Oh, honey, were you serious about going to see General Timberlake?

[Liz Cougat]

Yes. I feel sorry for him, all right.

[George Cougat]

But I hope you don't regret it. Remember the last time you went over, you forgot to salute and he threw you in the guardhouse.

[Liz Cougat]

Well, if I'm not back in two days, send me a cake with a file in it.

[George Cougat]

You.

[Liz Cougat]

General, where are you?

[General Timberlake]

Oh, I'm over here by the hydrangea bush.

[Liz Cougat]

Oh, hello. How are you today, General? Oh, sorry, forgot the salute.

[General Timberlake]

Eddie, pull up a knapsack and take a load off your caisson.

[Liz Cougat]

Thank you, General. How have you been feeling?

[General Timberlake]

Oh, fine, thank you, Mr. Cooker.

[George Cougat]

Fine.

[General Timberlake]

Yeah, Ain't felt so good since the Battle of Bull Run. Now there was the freakers. You know I was the youngest officer there, huh?

[Liz Cougat]

General, you were in the Battle of Bull run. That was 80 years ago. You were only a baby.

[General Timberlake]

Yes, I was the youngest officer there.

[Liz Cougat]

General, are those some new medals you're wearing? I don't believe I've ever seen that. Big golden, with a red, white and blue lettering.

[General Timberlake]

Oh, that one. Well, that's a special medal commemorating one of the greatest events in our country's history.

[Liz Cougat]

Let me read the inscription. Well, jubilee sale, Sears and Roebuck.

[General Timberlake]

There was a breakers.

[Liz Cougat]

We've been worried about you, General. You haven't been taking your daily walks. Your leg isn't bothering you again, is it?

[General Timberlake]

Oh, no, no, Ms. Cook. It only bothers me on the anniversary of the day I was wounded. You know, I was surrounded by a howling mob enemy. They charged me from every side, but I stood them all off single handed.

[Liz Cougat]

What battle was that?

[General Timberlake]

Jubilee sail at Sears and Rob.

[Liz Cougat]

Oh, General, you know, I've really been concerned. I haven't seen you around for a couple of days. Is anything wrong?

[General Timberlake]

Oh, well, now that you mention it, there is Ms. Kogat. I've been sort of keeping company, you know, with Winifred Higgins, the librarian. And, well, now we had a quarrel because, well, I did a terrible thing. Ms. Higgins Never forgive me.

[Liz Cougat]

Well, what did you do?

[General Timberlake]

I kept a 14 day book. 15 days.

[Liz Cougat]

Oh, that's too bad. You used to go to the library every night to study history, didn't you?

[General Timberlake]

Well, now, frankly, Ms. Cougat, I wasn't studying history so much as I was studying Higgins.

[Liz Cougat]

I know Ms. Higgins. She's that gray haired librarian, isn't she?

[General Timberlake]

Yeah. Don't let that gray hair fool you though. She may be an old edition, but she's still got a beautiful table of contents.

[Liz Cougat]

Libraries are such romantic places.

[General Timberlake]

Yeah, yeah. Well, that's all over for me now.

[Liz Cougat]

Oh, now, General, Ms. Higgins won't stay mad if you go to her and apologize.

[General Timberlake]

No, no, I tried that, but didn't work. I'm a lonesome man, Ms. Crogat. I ain't got nobody to talk to, nobody to talk to about my battles.

[Liz Cougat]

You know.

[General Timberlake]

Reckon how? I'm just an old soldier, just been left behind.

[Liz Cougat]

General, you can talk to me if you like.

[General Timberlake]

I can?

[Liz Cougat]

Anytime at all.

[General Timberlake]

How about this afternoon?

[Liz Cougat]

Oh, well, that's fine.

[General Timberlake]

Well, sound the trumpets. Sound the trumpets. I'll be right over after chow.

[Liz Cougat]

All right. See you later, General.

[General Timberlake]

And Ms. Cougar.

[Liz Cougat]

Yes, General?

[General Timberlake]

You may go to your quarters.

[Liz Cougat]

Oh, aye, aye, sir. Now, you better practice your salute, Katie. The general's coming over.

[Katie]

Oh, it won't matter if I salute him or not, Mrs. Cougat. He never remembers who I am anyway. The other day, I was sitting in the upstairs window mending Mr. Cougat's striped pajamas, and he hollered, well, Barbara, Fritchie.

[Liz Cougat]

What did you say?

[Katie]

I hollered back, shoot if you must, this old gray head, but spring Mr. Cugat's pajama bottoms.

[Liz Cougat]

Next time I'll buy George's pajamas with 13 stars in the seat.

[Katie]

Oh, the general's kind of cute. He reminds me of my first husband. Clarence was a fighter. He took part in hundreds of battles.

[Liz Cougat]

Oh, with Pershing?

[Katie]

No, with me.

[Liz Cougat]

Now, Katie, was he really a military man?

[Katie]

Well, he was wounded in combat. The enemy caught him sneaking through the lines late one night and ambushed him from behind.

[Liz Cougat]

What happened?

[Katie]

The enemy hit him with a rolling pin.

[Liz Cougat]

I'll get it, Katie. Probably the general. Oh, hello, General. Come in, won't you, General? Yes, sir. Salute him, Katie, or he won't come in.

[Katie]

Oh, yes, ma' am.

[General Timberlake]

Annie's. Annie. Annie.

[Katie]

I'll be out in the kitchen doing kp.

[Liz Cougat]

You care for some tea, General?

[General Timberlake]

Tea? Oh, no, thank you, ma' am. Never drink tea. Always reminds me of the Boston Tea Party. Now, there was a fracas. The whole bay was filled with tea. British sailors was firing over our heads. The guns was blazing. The air was black with smoke. Well, just with my trusty Bowie knife, I slipped over the side of an old four rigged.

[Liz Cougat]

General. General, just now. The Boston Tea Party was 175 years ago. Now, don't tell me you were there.

[General Timberlake]

No, no. But it sure makes a colorful story, don't it?

[Liz Cougat]

What would you like to do this afternoon?

[General Timberlake]

Well, no, I thought we'd relive some of our American history. We'll recreate some of the big battles of the past. Now, the sofa there can be the fort.

[Liz Cougat]

General, couldn't we do something else? A little quiet, quieter?

[General Timberlake]

Oh, well, all right, Miss Cogan.

[Liz Cougat]

All right.

[General Timberlake]

I guess we could play checkers or something.

[Liz Cougat]

Well, that's all right, General. I promise. This is your afternoon. We'll do whatever you want.

[George Cougat]

Good.

[General Timberlake]

Good. Then let's begin by charging san Juan Hill.

[George Cougat]

Mrs.

[General Timberlake]

Cool. Guys, get yourself a big stick and glue on the mustache. You're going to be Daniel Rosemount. Now, Ms. Cr. This chair is General Lee, and I'm General Sherman.

[Liz Cougat]

What am I gonna be?

[General Timberlake]

You're the outskirts of Atlanta.

[Liz Cougat]

This ought to be fun. What do you do? Get a match and set me on fire?

[General Timberlake]

No, no, Miss Crugat. You see, I use this umbrella here as my saber, and I charge past you like this Char. What was that?

[Liz Cougat]

You caught your saber in the outskirts. And now there's a big hole in the south side of Atlanta. Oh, General, don't you think we fought enough battles today?

[General Timberlake]

Why, Miss Crooked, we're just beginning to.

[Liz Cougat]

Take Bunker Hill, but my troop is starting to droop.

[General Timberlake]

Well, we can't lag back now. You're in command on the north side, I'm in command on the south side. And the lamp is Bunker Hill. And I'm going to make a frontal attack. Oh, well, I'm sorry, Miss Cougar, but what happened?

[Liz Cougat]

Mrs. Cougar?

[General Timberlake]

Why are you just standing there staring at the lamb?

[Katie]

Mrs. Cougar, say something.

[Liz Cougat]

So long, Bunker Hill.

[General Timberlake]

You having a lot of fun, Miss Cougar?

[Liz Cougat]

Oh, yes. I haven't had so much fun since I got caught in a folding bed.

[General Timberlake]

What battle should we do now?

[Liz Cougat]

Say, General, I just had a good idea. Why don't we do the Ride of Paul Revere?

[General Timberlake]

Ride of Paul Revere?

[Liz Cougat]

Yes. Now, there was a fracas. General, you'll be Paul Revere.

[General Timberlake]

All right, I will.

[Liz Cougat]

Katie.

[Katie]

No, I didn't mind when he tied a message around my leg and made me a carrier pigeon, but I'm not going to get down on all fours.

[Liz Cougat]

And be Paul Revere's horse. No, you're the Old North Church. But before you give the signal, open the front door. Paul's going to take a long ride.

[Katie]

Yes, ma' am, I get it.

[Liz Cougat]

Go ahead, North Church. Give the signal. Paul, the British are coming. Yeah, the Redcoats are coming.

[Katie]

War in the countryside.

[Liz Cougat]

Start riding, Paul. The British are coming.

[General Timberlake]

Well, here we go, Charms. The Redcoats are coming.

[George Cougat]

Char.

[Liz Cougat]

General, that's a hall closet.

[George Cougat]

Sorry.

[General Timberlake]

Wake up.

[Liz Cougat]

Please come and die. Wake up. He's gone. I can't help it, Katie. He was wearing me out. If he comes back, tell him Molly pictured Deserted.

[George Cougat]

Anybody home?

[General Timberlake]

Liz.

[Liz Cougat]

Oh, good evening, George.

[George Cougat]

Honey, what's the matter?

[Liz Cougat]

The general was here all afternoon. I've been fighting battles all day and I'm so tired I can barely move my rear echelon.

[George Cougat]

Oh, what did he do, draft you?

[Liz Cougat]

I tried to get rid of him once but all he did was ride around the block and bivouac in the cellar.

[George Cougat]

Liz, you're exaggerating. Now, where's Katie?

[Liz Cougat]

Oh, you mean Pocahontas. She's upstairs lying down.

[George Cougat]

What happened to her?

[Liz Cougat]

General Timberlake insisted she smoke a peace pipe with him. And now Pocahontas heaps sick Indians.

[George Cougat]

Well, I warned you about him.

[Liz Cougat]

I know it was a rugged day, but I'm still glad I did it. It cheered him up. He was lonesome because he'd had a fight with his girlfriend. Ms. Higgins.

[George Cougat]

My poor little tired papoose.

[Liz Cougat]

George, how about giving the city of Atlanta a kiss?

[George Cougat]

All right.

[Liz Cougat]

Gee, that was more like the whole state of Georgia. Kiss me again. Let's make this Alabama, Tennessee and Virginia.

[George Cougat]

Okay.

[Liz Cougat]

Wow, the solid South.

[George Cougat]

Come on, sit on my lap, Scarlett o' Hara.

[Liz Cougat]

All right. Hey, how do you happen to kiss so good?

[George Cougat]

Oh, it's your inspiration. You're enough to make Mason throw away his Dixon.

[Liz Cougat]

Hold me tight, George.

[George Cougat]

How's this?

[Liz Cougat]

Tighter. Tighter.

[George Cougat]

Oh, but, Liz.

[Liz Cougat]

Go ahead, George. Pretend I'm a sack of walnuts and crack my shell.

[George Cougat]

Look, nutty, move over a minute. You're crushing my carnation.

[Liz Cougat]

George, you know, sometimes when I'm with you I get the strangest ringing in my ears. There it is again.

[George Cougat]

No, honey, that's the phone.

[Liz Cougat]

Oh, hello? Oh, yes, general, yes. Oh, no, no, I couldn't possibly. You see, I. But we. Well, general, it's just that. Well, if you put it that way, general. All right. Goodbye. Well, Liz, that was my commanding officer. We march at dawn.

[George Cougat]

What do you mean?

[Liz Cougat]

We're going to spend tomorrow at the museum and we're taking somebody along with us.

[George Cougat]

I pity the poor devil. Who's going with you?

[Liz Cougat]

So do I. It's you.

[George Cougat]

No, no. Now, I'm not going, and that's final.

[Liz Cougat]

But, George, he wants you to go so much. And I promised you would.

[George Cougat]

I'm sorry, Liz. I'm not going.

[Liz Cougat]

George, he gave us a choice. If we don't go to the museum, he's coming over to reenact the burning of Rome and he wants you to be Nero.

[George Cougat]

I surrender. What time does the museum open?

[Narrator]

You are listening to My Favorite Husband starring Lucille Ball with Richard Denning. This is the story of Mr. And Mrs. Cougat, of Liz and George, and especially Liz, who made a gesture of friendship to their next door neighbor, the General. A gesture that was the signal for a full scale invasion. Well, the General is not only anxious to be friends, he seems to want to form a permanent military alliance. Saturday morning, the General, Captain George and Lieutenant Liz made an inspection tour of the museum. Saturday afternoon, they all had target practice in the backyard. And now the Captain and his first lieutenant are back in their own camp discussing strategy.

[George Cougat]

Where's the General now, Liz?

[Liz Cougat]

Who went home to get cleaned up. But he's coming back in half an hour, so you better fill the bathtub with ice cubes.

[George Cougat]

Fill the bathtub with ice cubes?

[Liz Cougat]

Why, he's going to demonstrate how Washington crossed the Delaware.

[George Cougat]

Liz, I can't stand much more of this army life.

[Liz Cougat]

Neither can I. On the last march around the museum, my feet felt like two blisters with shoes.

[George Cougat]

Well, I've had enough. He's a nice old guy, but when he asked me to climb inside the barrel of that cannon, that was the last straw.

[Liz Cougat]

He just wanted you to see if the powder was dry.

[George Cougat]

Yeah, well, if it had been when he lit that fuse, I'd have been real gone.

[Liz Cougat]

George, I've got an idea. There's only one way to get rid of the General. We'll patch things up with Winifred Higgins.

[George Cougat]

How?

[Liz Cougat]

Well, they say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. We'll have them both over for dinner.

[George Cougat]

Yeah, I think you've got something there. Give them one ear of corn between them and they're bound to get together.

[Liz Cougat]

George. George, this is a terrible flop. The General, Ms. Higgins, aren't even speaking to each other. What do we do?

[George Cougat]

Well, keep trying, honey. Maybe they'll break down.

[Liz Cougat]

All right, but help me, will you?

[George Cougat]

Okay. Oh, that was a delicious dinner, dear.

[Liz Cougat]

Thank you, George.

[Winifred Higgins]

Yes, that was a wonderful dinner, Mrs. Cougat.

[Liz Cougat]

Thank you, Ms. Higgins.

[General Timberlake]

Yes, sir. That was a real good mess, Sergeant.

[Liz Cougat]

Well, this is nice, all of us being here together, isn't it?

[Winifred Higgins]

Yes, yes, yes.

[General Timberlake]

History.

[Liz Cougat]

Well, that was fun, wasn't it, Ms. Higgins?

[Katie]

Yes.

[Liz Cougat]

How's everything at the library?

[George Cougat]

Yes, Ms. Higgins. How is everything at the library?

[Winifred Higgins]

Oh, fine.

[Liz Cougat]

That's nice. People still reading as much as ever, I suppose. Yes, yes, they are. That's nice. Help me, George.

[George Cougat]

All right. Ms. Higgins.

[Winifred Higgins]

Yes, Mr. Coogan.

[George Cougat]

Read any good books lately?

[General Timberlake]

Say, Ms. Coogan, did I ever tell you about the War of 1812?

[Liz Cougat]

Yes, you did.

[General Timberlake]

Oh, say, Mr. Cooker, did I tell you about the War of 1812?

[George Cougat]

Yes, YOU did.

[Winifred Higgins]

Yes, you did.

[Liz Cougat]

General, there's a moon out tonight and there's a swing on the porch. Isn't there somebody you'd like to take out there?

[General Timberlake]

Well, no. Yes, there is.

[Liz Cougat]

Well, then.

[General Timberlake]

But what'll Mr. Cougat and Ms. Higgins do whilst we're gone?

[Liz Cougat]

General, I meant Ms. Higgins.

[General Timberlake]

Oh, no, no, Ms. Cougat, I'd much rather talk to you.

[Liz Cougat]

Oh, please, General.

[General Timberlake]

You remember the fun we had yesterday when I charged and ripped your skirt?

[Liz Cougat]

Please, General.

[General Timberlake]

And then we knocked over Bunker Hill and spent an hour together in the dark.

[George Cougat]

Where?

[Liz Cougat]

General, the next thing you'll be telling them how we took Fort Sumter and got locked in the closet. Where?

[Narrator]

Where?

[Liz Cougat]

Now, wait a minute. Please. George, say something.

[George Cougat]

Hi, Liz.

[Winifred Higgins]

Mrs. Cougar, it's very sweet of you trying to patch things up with a certain party who mutilate books in the public library. But I just don't want to patch things up with a certain party who always have to eat and read at the same time.

[General Timberlake]

Well, I like to eat whilst I'm reading.

[Winifred Higgins]

Yes, but how does it look when you open a history book and find a pilgrim setting foot on a piece of salami?

[General Timberlake]

Now, Ms. Higgins.

[Winifred Higgins]

And the other day a little boy wanted to know why the Constitution was written on a fried egg. Imagine leaving food in a book.

[George Cougat]

Leave it.

[General Timberlake]

I put it there. Them was bookmarks.

[Winifred Higgins]

Burn yourself.

[Liz Cougat]

George, you'd better say something.

[George Cougat]

Read any good salami lately?

[Liz Cougat]

General, you know perfectly well. You want to be friends with Ms. Higgins again.

[General Timberlake]

No, I don't.

[George Cougat]

No, I don't.

[General Timberlake]

I don't need Ms. Higgins now that I found you. You're my new aide de camp. You can bring your duffel bag to my headquarters any day.

[Liz Cougat]

General, please, you don't understand. My duffel belongs to George.

[General Timberlake]

I don't care, Ms.

[George Cougat]

Brunette.

[General Timberlake]

I don't care. You may be sign to another battalion, but I can get you transferred for active duty.

[Winifred Higgins]

This is true guest. If you don't mind, I think I'll go home. Thank you for the dinner. Thanks for everything.

[Liz Cougat]

Oh, I've had a wonderful time. Now, General, aren't you ashamed of yourself? You've made her cry.

[General Timberlake]

Well, didn't expect her to do that.

[Liz Cougat]

I tried to get you two together and what do you do? You ruin it.

[George Cougat]

Now, Liz, it isn't all the General's fault. Don't forget it was your idea.

[Liz Cougat]

Worse, I might have known this would happen. Just when the battle's going against me. My own captain looks Me in the face and shoots me in the back.

[George Cougat]

Liz, you can smile now. The General's gone.

[Liz Cougat]

Oh, George, when it comes to messing things up, I can out mess anybody in the whole world.

[George Cougat]

Well, you only get in these messes because you're so generous and try to help people out.

[Liz Cougat]

George, now the General wants me for his aide de camp.

[George Cougat]

Honey, the General's unpredictable. He probably won't visit us again for days.

[Liz Cougat]

You think so?

[George Cougat]

I know so.

[Liz Cougat]

George, salute with both hands. I can't get up.

[General Timberlake]

As you were. As you were. Just came over to thank you for your courageous and unselfish service to a comrade in arms.

[Liz Cougat]

General, the only comrade in my arms is going to be George Cougat.

[George Cougat]

It's in our contract.

[General Timberlake]

Well, now, Ms. Cougat, don't you worry about me. Ms. Higgins and I finally made up. We're as close as Kaiser and Fraser.

[George Cougat]

Miss. Miss Higgins isn't mad at you anymore?

[General Timberlake]

No, no. She was waiting for me by the hydrangea bush. And she said I could take books out just so long. I kept mustard off my bookmarks.

[Liz Cougat]

Oh, that's wonderful.

[George Cougat]

The end of a perfect day.

[General Timberlake]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Now, there's just one thing that kind of worries me. What's that, Ms. Cougat? I was using my charms on you for selfish reasons. And if it turns your head, I'm. Well, I'm sorry. I was just trying to make Ms. Higgins jealous.

[Liz Cougat]

Why, General.

[George Cougat]

General, you're kind of a wolf with my hair.

[General Timberlake]

I'm more of a silver fox, don't you think? Guess I better be getting back to the library. But, say, before I go, I would tell you about the Spanish American War.

[Liz Cougat]

The.

[General Timberlake]

Now, there was a fracas. We was down the Philippines, see, And was hard.

[Liz Cougat]

General. Now, come on, confess. You weren't really in the Spanish American War, were you?

[General Timberlake]

Well, you know something, Ms. Kat? I really was.

[Liz Cougat]

I never want to live through two days like this again.

[George Cougat]

It was kind of hectic, wasn't it?

[Liz Cougat]

It reminds me of our honeymoon.

[George Cougat]

Our honeymoon. Now, there was a frak.

[Liz Cougat]

Asleep, George?

[George Cougat]

No.

[Liz Cougat]

Thinking of something?

[George Cougat]

Yes.

[Liz Cougat]

What?

[George Cougat]

Sleeping.

[Liz Cougat]

George, it's stuffy in here. One of us forgot to open the window.

[George Cougat]

Yeah, one of us forgot to open the window.

[Liz Cougat]

One of us ought to get up and do it.

[George Cougat]

Yeah, one of us ought to get up and do it.

[Liz Cougat]

Well, somebody's got to do it.

[George Cougat]

What are you waiting for, a burglar?

[Liz Cougat]

Oh, George, please.

[George Cougat]

All right. Now the wind is stuck. I can't raise it.

[Liz Cougat]

That's funny.

[George Cougat]

There is a burglar he's looking in the window when he's wearing striped pajamas.

[Liz Cougat]

George, you're trying to raise the mirror.

[George Cougat]

I thought he was a pretty good looking burglar.

[Liz Cougat]

Oh, come back over here and kiss me.

[George Cougat]

Okay, but I kissed you last night and got my ear caught in a curler.

[Liz Cougat]

I'm not wearing curlers tonight.

[George Cougat]

What are you wearing?

[Liz Cougat]

Pajamas. They're warmer.

[George Cougat]

Here's your goodnight kiss.

[Liz Cougat]

Oh, George, I'm lucky to be married to you.

[George Cougat]

Why?

[Liz Cougat]

Because if I weren't, I'd get in a lot of trouble sneaking over here every night for a kiss good night. George.

[George Cougat]

My favorite Husband has been presented through the worldwide facilities of the United States Armed Forces Radio and Television Service.

[Liz Cougat]

Sa.