NBC Burns And Allen Thanksgiving 1940-11-18

Summary

Podcast Summary – Harold's Old Time Radio

Episode: NBC Burns And Allen Thanksgiving 1940-11-18
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Date: November 2, 2025
Main Stars: George Burns, Gracie Allen, Bud Easton, Artie Shaw, The Smoothies

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Overview

This episode presents a classic installment of The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show from November 18, 1940, centering on Thanksgiving misadventures at Gracie’s chaotic family home. The trademark humor, sharp wordplay, and clever absurdities reflect the comic style that made Burns and Allen household names in the golden era of radio. The episode features fast-paced banter, Thanksgiving confusion, quirky family antics, and plenty of Spam (the food, but also the sponsored running gag).

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Broadcast Begins—Setting the Scene

(00:32–02:43)

• Introduction: Announcer Bud Easton introduces the show with musical fanfare and a plug for Spam, Hormel’s canned meat product, setting the tone for situational comedy and sponsor-driven humor.

  “What is an easy way to serve the family a swell main course for dinner that costs but a few cents? ... Just open a can of Spam S P A M and bake according to the simple directions on the label.” — Bud Easton (01:36)

2. Gracie’s Absence and Chaos at Home

(02:43–05:22)

• Gracie’s Missing: George attempts to start the show, only to find Gracie unable to attend because her “granddaddy’s very sick”—though the circumstances spiral from concern to absurdist farce.

• Wordplay & Misunderstandings: Gracie details increasingly ridiculous home scenarios (“he’s defrosting the icebox,” “temperature of 150”), leading to classic Burns and Allen confusion.

  “He’s down in the kitchen with a temperature of 150.” — Gracie Allen (03:33)
  “He has a temperature of 150?” — George Burns (03:36)
  “Well, he’s defrosting the icebox.” — Gracie Allen (03:40)

• Immediate Decision: The troupe decides to broadcast from Gracie’s house to accommodate the family emergency.

3. At Gracie’s House: Family Eccentricities Unleashed

(05:22–06:50)

• Prop Comedy: Barbed wire on the banisters (to slow granddaddy’s slides) and unidentified houseguests are part of the home’s offbeat character.

  “You've got barbed wire on the banisters?” — George Burns (06:24)
  "My granddaddy likes to slide down the banister. That doesn’t stop him, but it slows him down a bit.” — Gracie Allen (06:28–06:33)

• House of Strangers: Gracie admits strangers have been living in her house for over a year; she doesn’t know who they are and “doesn’t talk to strangers.” Spirited “It is!/It isn’t!” arguments recur throughout.

4. Explaining Thanksgiving to Gracie

(07:06–08:31)

• Comedic Education: George explains Thanksgiving, the Pilgrims, and the tradition of killing turkeys, but Gracie’s literal interpretations derail every explanation.

  “As far back as you can remember, what always happened in November?” — George Burns (07:13)
  "Rostov was elected.” — Gracie Allen (07:16)
  “They killed a turkey and called it Thanksgiving.” — George Burns (08:05)
  “Oh, what a cute name for a turkey!” — Gracie Allen (08:11)

• Turkey Necks Gag: Gracie seeks logic in the distributive anatomy of Thanksgiving turkeys (“my sister got a neck, my brother got a neck…”).

5. Musical Interlude: “Beat Me Daddy, Eight to the Bar”

(08:40–10:48)

• Performance: The Smoothies perform this upbeat staple, providing period entertainment and a rhythmic break from the narrative.

6. SPAM Running Gags & Household Absurdities

(11:04–12:32)

• Gracie’s house is both surreal and product-focused: jokes about Spam not needing refrigeration, her granddaddy sliding down a barbed-wire banister, and more.

  “Oh, Bud, we haven’t got any Spam in the Frigidaire.” — Gracie Allen (11:08)
  “No Spam in the Frigidaire on the Frigidaire.” — George Burns (11:10)

7. The Search for Granddaddy and Family Antics

(13:24–14:45)

• Granddaddy's Health: Gracie describes outlandish household medical care (“The only way he’d take his medicine was when the nurse would kiss him after every teaspoonful...”).
• Football Humor: The sound man shares a comedic football robbery anecdote.

8. Measles Mix-Up and Continued Escalation

(15:05–19:06)

• Measles Joke: Gracie exclaims that her granddaddy “gave you something—the measles!” followed by George’s increasing desperation to leave.

  “What did he give me?” — George Burns (15:42)
  “The measles.” — Gracie Allen (15:43)

• House Quarantine: Attempts to leave are foiled by a police officer who quarantines the house due to measles, and George is repeatedly stopped and sent back in.

9. Escapes and Recurring Gags

(21:25–26:41)

• George tries to leave via the window (tied to a pillow, not the bed), the roof, and the chimney—each effort comically foiled with slapstick results and Gracie’s comic logic.

  "What part of the bed did you tie it to?" — George Burns (23:15)
  "The pillow." — Gracie Allen (23:17)

• Spam Poetry: Comedic verses about Spam return as music and gags recur throughout.

10. Final Resolution and Announcements

(28:04–end)

• Granddaddy doesn’t have measles after all. George is free to pursue his date with the “little redhead,” but Gracie says granddaddy went there too.

• Closes with more promotion of Spam and Hormel Chili Con Carne.

  “Now I can go and meet my new redhead.” — George Burns (28:09)
  “Oh, yeah. Then you can say hello to my granddaddy. Because he went there, too.” — Gracie Allen (28:12)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Thanksgiving:
  "Even today, we chop the heads off turkeys."
  — George Burns (08:15)
  "How can you knock off all their heads at once?"
  — Gracie Allen (08:18)

• Household Absurdities:
  “You know this house is filled with imbeciles.”
  — George Burns (06:57)

• Wordplay:
  “When you say that, smile. Smile. Yes. S M E L L Smile. That smell.”
  — Gracie Allen and George Burns (25:06)

• Quarantine Gag:
  “Nobody leaves this house. It's quarantined.”
  — Police Officer (21:29)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | |-------------|-----------------------------------------------------| | 00:32–02:43 | Show/musical intro + Spam Promotion | | 02:43–05:22 | Gracie’s Absence and family emergencies | | 05:22–06:50 | Arrival at Gracie’s house, barbed wire banister | | 07:06–08:31 | Thanksgiving explained | | 08:40–10:48 | Musical number: "Beat Me Daddy, Eight to the Bar" | | 11:04–12:32 | Spam in the Frigidaire + granddaddy antics | | 13:24–14:45 | Football story, granddaddy's health | | 15:05–19:06 | The measles mix-up/quarantine starts | | 21:25–26:41 | George attempts escape (window, roof, chimney) | | 28:04–28:33 | Final punchlines; Spam wrap-up |

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Style and Tone

The episode is full of the literal-minded, zany logic that defined Burns and Allen’s rapport, evident in Gracie’s endearing misunderstandings and George’s exasperated straight-man responses. The wordplay, musical interludes, and embedded product poetry are hallmarks of 1940s radio comedy, delivered with warmth and quick wit.

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For Listeners Who Missed It

If you appreciate absurdist yet innocent humor, lightning-fast repartee, and witnessing cultural customs filtered through comic absurdity, this episode is a masterclass of classic radio comedy. Whether you’re a fan of old-time radio or want a window into American humor at the dawn of the 1940s, it’s a delightful and briskly paced listen—complete with musical breaks, sponsor gags, and infectious silliness.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

From Hollywood, the George Burns and Gracie Allen show for Hormel and Spam.

[C]

Crazy people Spam Rebop Boom Spam George Burns and Gracie Allen Art a show and it's orchestra the singing Glee with a smooth these three. Last but not least. And who is Bud? He?

[B]

Here's a quiz question, friends, and it will pay you to know the answer. Ready for the question? All right. What is an easy way to serve the family a swell main course for dinner that costs but a few cents. There's no magic about it. Just open a can of Spam S P A M and bake according to the simple directions on the label. Takes only a jiffy and you'll set before the family a delicious taste surprise that satisfies even the huskiest appetite. That's because Spam is grand tasting Meat and baked, it certainly makes a hit. The perfect combination of juicy pork shoulder and ham meat originated by Hormel gives Spam extra flavor, extra goodness. Try a Spam bake for dinner tomorrow. Just be sure you ask your food dealer for Spam. Spam. And here they are, the stars of our big Happy's family, George and Gracie.

[D]

Thank you very, very much tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

[B]

George, where's Gracie?

[D]

She's not here tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

[B]

George, can you do a show without Gracie?

[D]

Certainly I can do a show without her. Do you think I need Gracie? Certainly, Bud. He needs Gracie about as much as Dorothy Lamour needs a sarong.

[E]

Oh, yeah?

[D]

Well, listen, I happen to have a lot of trouble. Well, I'll answer you later.

[E]

Hello, this is Span's Me time. Gracie. I'm seeking Gracie.

[D]

Where are you? We're doing a broadcast and you're supposed to be here.

[E]

I couldn't get down on account of my granddaddy's very sick. He was on the floor all last night and we're awfully worried.

[D]

He was on the floor?

[E]

Yes.

[D]

What about the bed?

[E]

Well, we couldn't use that. We had a party here last night. Where could we put the hats and coats?

[D]

Well, Gracie, where's your granddaddy now?

[E]

He's down in the kitchen with a temperature of 150.

[D]

He has a temperature of 105?

[E]

Yes, and we're.

[D]

Well, why have you got him in the kitchen?

[E]

Well, he's defrosting the icebox.

[C]

Your.

[D]

Your granddaddy's in the Frigidaire for seven hours. Well, aren't you afraid he'll. Please.

[E]

Oh, that's impossible. Every hour we open the Frigidaire and ask him if he's cold. He doesn't ask us.

[D]

Look, Gracie, we're doing the broadcast.

[E]

Really? Vexation. I must listen in.

[D]

Well, never mind. There's a smart idea, putting a man with a temperature in a Frigidaire. I suppose to cure him, they'll put an ice pack on his head and a hot water bottle on his feet.

[B]

Oh, George, all they need to use is a can of Spam.

[D]

Can of Spam? Sure.

[B]

Cold or hot, it hits the spot.

[D]

Oh, yes, but you're a regular Dr. Kill. There. Look, everybody, not that I need Gracie, but I think we ought to go over to Gracie's house and do the broadcast. Might make an old man happy. Well, if it's going to make you happy, George, let's go. Oh, quiet. Yes, I know. What is it, Senoli? Why don't you drive down in my car? I just got a brand new rooster. A rooster? A car made by General Mothers. It's not General Mothers, it's General Motors. Oh, a mother is. Well, for example, when you were a baby, who combed your hair?

[B]

That's what I'd like to know.

[D]

The part isn't straight. Well, quiet. Come on, everybody. We gotta get to Gracie's house. Oh, well, here we are at Gracie's house. I'll ring the doorbell.

[E]

George, you better knock on the door. The bell doesn't work.

[D]

Well, this is the house. All right.

[E]

Oh, hello, George. When did you get here?

[D]

I give up.

[E]

Hello, everybody.

[D]

Gracie, do you know that you're not all there?

[E]

I know. I just had my tonsils removed.

[D]

Tonsils removed? That annoys me. That's. That's all I've got.

[B]

Say, Gracie, what's the matter with your granddaddy?

[E]

Oh, he doesn't take care of himself. He inhales cigars.

[D]

Well, what's wrong with him?

[E]

Well, most people just inhale with smoke.

[D]

Look, Gracie, you'll have to excuse me if I run away just before the broadcast is over. You see, I've got a date with little Redhead and she won't wait.

[B]

Where a Redhead. Say, Poopsie, how do you get all these gals?

[D]

Well, why shouldn't he? George is a good dancer. He's a swell dresser. He's romantic, spends lots of money. Continue our next page. Artie, don't read that part.

[E]

Well, come on, everybody, write through this long.

[D]

Tracy, what is this? You've got barbed wire on the banisters?

[E]

Well, you know, my granddaddy likes to slide down the banister.

[D]

Oh, I see. And that stops him?

[E]

No, it doesn't stop him, but it slows him down a bit.

[D]

I think I know what you mean.

[C]

It is.

[B]

It isn't.

[E]

It is.

[B]

It isn't.

[E]

It is.

[B]

No, it isn't.

[E]

Who.

[D]

Who are they?

[E]

Oh, they've been living here for over a year.

[D]

Well, who are they?

[E]

I don't know.

[D]

Gracie. You know this house is filled with imbeciles.

[E]

Well, I better tell Granddaddy you're all here.

[D]

Well, never mind that. We better start the broadcast.

[E]

What's tonight's program about? George?

[D]

It's about Thanksgiving.

[E]

What's that?

[D]

What's that? Look, Gracie, as far back as you can remember, what always happened in.

[C]

In.

[E]

In November, Rostov was elected.

[D]

Well, I'll try to explain it to you.

[E]

All right.

[D]

You see, in 1620, the first Americans arrived in a new land. To make a fresh start, they decided to build homes. And do you know one of the first things they did?

[E]

They applied for FHA loans.

[D]

FHA loans didn't come until 300 years later.

[E]

Well, you've got to go through a lot of red tape before you get the money.

[D]

Anyway, these people. These people were called Puritans.

[E]

What's that?

[D]

What's that? Did you ever read of those people who suffered and were punished in stocks?

[E]

Oh, in 1929, some of my best friends were Puritans.

[D]

Well, anyway, these people were so grateful for finding a freedom in a new country that they killed a turkey and called it Thanksgiving.

[E]

Oh, what a cute name for a turkey.

[D]

And the custom still remains. Even today, we chop the heads off turkeys.

[E]

How can you knock off all their heads at once?

[D]

A turkey only has one head.

[E]

Then where do all the necks come from? Last year, my sister got a neck, My brother got a neck. My uncle got a neck.

[D]

Ah, well, this is the end.

[E]

That's the part. My daddy got.

[D]

Smoothies Bad Charlie and little. Will you sing a song while I try to explain to Gracie what Thanksgiving is? Please.

[C]

In a dinky honky donkey village in Texas There's a guy who plays the best piano by far he can play Piano anywhere that he like it but the style he likes the best in the bar when he plays just a ball he's the daddy of them all the people gather around Sonny gets on the stand and when he plays he gets a hand the rhythm he beats puts the cats in a trance Nobody there Wow. If you dance or any dance with the bas holler be daddy catches a bar clink plank, plink plank, plink plank Rocking on the key riff, riff, riff, riff, riff, riff Riffing out with Eve Polarity Dancer is amazing guitar they holler beat me, daddy into the bars Just beat me, please beat me oh, beat.

[B]

Me.

[C]

Just switch to the beat they're playing eight to the bar who give up keep buck is gonna dance the hunky tucky style Roll out of said you piano man now beat it, beat it, daddy ain't you the bar? Oh, rocking it rhythm well, I'll ride and the john's rocking rhythm well, I'll ride TV sailing to the bar Boy, I want an off big kick I.

[E]

Got the boogie woogie style and I'm swinging on a gate.

[C]

Got the salad.

[E]

Rhythm in me and I got to sink a pe.

[C]

All right now that everybody's happy there's nothing left to do so misapp we're going to leave it to you we're all right Beat me, daddy, daddy beat me hey, to the bar.

[D]

Gry I've never seen a house like this. People walking around and nobody knowing them. And this furniture. What kind of furniture is this?

[E]

Well, it comes from the Hollywood Furniture Company.

[D]

Yeah, but what about the period?

[E]

Oh, pardon me. It comes from the Hollywood Furniture Company. Period.

[D]

Yeah, that's what I meant.

[B]

Oh. Say, Gracie, where's your kitchen? I want to get a Spam.

[E]

Oh, Bud, we haven't got any Spam in the Frigidaire.

[D]

No Spam in the Frigidaire on the Frigidaire.

[E]

Spam doesn't need any refrigeration.

[B]

Oh, shucks, I forgot. I'll hate myself in the morning.

[D]

Oh.

[E]

Oh, no.

[D]

Oh.

[E]

What?

[D]

What's that?

[E]

That's my granddaddy. He's lying down the banister.

[D]

He's sliding down a barbed wire banister.

[E]

Oh, he does it 20 times a day. And the doctor told him to stop.

[D]

Well, I imagine he would.

[E]

Sure bad for his heart.

[D]

Well, I hope the kid makes a three point landing. It is.

[B]

It isn't.

[C]

It is.

[B]

It isn't.

[E]

It is.

[B]

It isn't.

[D]

Gracie, these fellows have been living in your house for over a year and you don't know who they are?

[E]

That's right.

[D]

Well, why don't you ask them?

[E]

I don't talk to strangers.

[D]

Well, this is some house.

[E]

George, I better go and find Granddaddy and give him his medicine. You see, he hasn't got a nurse anymore.

[D]

Oh, he had a nurse.

[E]

Yes, and the only way he'd take his medicine was when the nurse would kiss him after every teaspoonful. It was awful stuff.

[D]

Bitter, huh?

[E]

No, he has many teeth.

[D]

Well, let's get this over with. All right, let's find your granddaddy and give him this medicine. Boy, what a house I've never seen. Hey, sound man. Four years in Harvard. Why are you sitting out in the hall all by yourself sulking?

[B]

A big Harvard Yale game this year and I won't be there.

[D]

Why don't you go?

[B]

Not after the sad experience I had last year. There I was at the stadium. It was the last quarter. The score was nothing to nothing. Just as Yale was making a touchdown, somebody stuck a gun in my back and held me up.

[D]

Well, there were millions of people there. Why didn't you yell?

[B]

What, and have them think I was rooting for Yale?

[D]

Oh, come on, Gracie. Hey, George. George, when you meet this little red headed girl tonight, why don't you take her to the Follies Bergere? It's a swell show. Ah, those girly shows are all the same, Auntie. Take away their feathers and their little umbrellas and what have you got? High blood pressure. Oh, quiet.

[E]

Well, here's Granddaddy's room.

[D]

Well, look, Gracie, before we all go in, what's the matter with your granddaddy?

[E]

We really don't know. In the middle of the night we heard strange noises and we ran into Granddaddy's room and there he was, shaking all over.

[D]

He was shaking all over?

[E]

Yes.

[D]

Well, what did you do? What did we do?

[E]

We sent for a doctor.

[D]

Well, what did the doctor do?

[E]

Well, he took the Madame Lazanga record off the patrol and we all went back to sleep again.

[D]

Kid has probably got lump rheumatism.

[E]

Hiya, Grace. Hiya, Grandpa.

[D]

Well, what's the matter, Grandpa? Don't you feel well?

[C]

No, Georgie boy.

[D]

Say, hand me that picture of Hedy Lamar on a sleeping tablet. Well, I can't find Hetty Lamar's picture. Do you want this one of Ann Sherton? No, I'm saving her until I feel better.

[C]

Yahoo.

[D]

Well, wait, Grandpa. Look in this closet. It is.

[B]

It isn't.

[E]

It is.

[C]

It isn't.

[D]

I can't say this, Gracie. Can't somebody else in your family. Give them the medicine. I've got a date. With that little redhead?

[E]

Well, my mother's at her sewing crop and my daddy went downtown to vote. And my brother.

[D]

Your daddy went downtown to vote?

[E]

Yes, and my brother.

[D]

The election was over two weeks ago.

[E]

I know, but my daddy's a Republican and he never gives up.

[D]

She tried on the standards. I've got a date with a girl. I can't stand this. Look out. Don't get excited. You'll break a blood weasel. Don't worry about me. And besides, you said that wrong. Put it on to me. Don't get excited. You'll break a blood weasel. Well, that's much better.

[C]

Hey, buddy boy.

[D]

What is it?

[B]

Grand Abby.

[C]

Buddy boy, would you mind reaching into that coat pocket and getting me a cigar?

[B]

Oh, what coat, Grandpa?

[C]

The one George is wearing.

[D]

There aren't any cigars in my pocket. You mean you didn't get anything with that suit?

[C]

That was a pretty good one, Carney.

[D]

Oh, quiet. Even if I did have a cigar, if I did get a cigar with it, why should I give it to you? You're the tightest old man I ever met. You never gave anybody anything.

[E]

Oh, Judge, you shouldn't say that to my granddaddy when he's so sick. He gave you something.

[D]

When did he ever give me something?

[E]

Tonight.

[D]

What did he give me?

[E]

The measles.

[C]

The measles?

[B]

Now, Art, he saw his clarinet and his will give us sugar.

[D]

I know that. I know that, Gracie. But if your granddaddy had the measles, he. He shouldn't have kept it a secret.

[E]

He didn't. He's been spreading it all around.

[D]

Why do they ever go into this craz house? Gracie, What's. What's that?

[E]

She's practicing up in the attic. Who's practice? My grandmother.

[D]

Your grandmother? Gracie, will you tell your grandmother to stop? We can't continue talking if she's going to make all that noise upstairs. But this is the craziest house. Listen to that beat. Beat, beat, beat, beat. Beat me. Eat. Eat meat.

[B]

I say there, lady, when a shopping you go. Here's some news that you should know. Help me out, George. I've gone this far.

[D]

I'll beat it up, Bud. A two at the bar. Spam is the meat that you should buy. Spam is different. And here is why.

[B]

We use pork shoulder to make Spam sweet. And the ham it takes for extra good meat.

[D]

The extra good flavor that you get in Spam got there, folks. Cause we added ham.

[E]

Hamish started this new kind of meat seasoned it better, made it grand to eat.

[D]

I say, Senor Burn serves Pam for lunch. This delicious meat is good to crunch. Look, Senor Lee, it's crunch, not crunch.

[E]

Crunch, clench, crunch, crunch. You buy it all the time. If you try it lunch to get.

[B]

The real thing to put on your table. Look for this sentence on the Spam.

[E]

Can label pork shoulder meat with hand meat added fruit. That Sam is really different. My, my, my. That doesn't fit.

[D]

Yeah, that's right, Gracie. That's the worst one yet.

[E]

Nothing is just like Spam, my friend.

[B]

And so with this, our poem ends. When shopping you'd go tomorrow, ma', am, ask for Spam.

[D]

Spam.

[C]

Slice it, dice it, fry it, take it. It not cold or hot Scot.

[D]

Look, George, if there's a possibility of your having the measles, I wouldn't keep that date with that redhead. Well, don't worry about me, Ay. I'm going out right now and get myself inoculated.

[E]

Well, why do it tonight? Why don't you wait until New Year's Eve?

[D]

Look, Gracie, inoculation prevents sickness. You see, millions of germs can live on the head of a pin.

[E]

How can they eat that stuff?

[D]

They use a knife and fork.

[E]

Ah.

[D]

Well, I'm going to get out of this house before it's too late.

[B]

Hold on there, mister. Where do you think you're going?

[D]

I'm going out, officer.

[B]

Why? Oh, no, you're not. Nobody leaves this house. It's quarantined.

[D]

But I'm George Burns. I haven't got anything.

[B]

I've heard you on the air, brother.

[D]

And you ain't kidding. Let me tell you something.

[C]

Get back in there.

[D]

Well, this is a fine thing. And I've got my.

[E]

Oh, look who's here. Hello, George. Are you back from your date already? Did you meet that girl? Did you kiss her?

[D]

Gracie, I was stopped by a cop.

[E]

Oh, that's what always happens in those park cars.

[D]

I knew you'd understand me once.

[E]

I was in the park car with the freshest fella. And you know what he said to me?

[D]

Will you be reasonable?

[E]

That's what he said to me.

[D]

Oh, stop.

[E]

That's what I said to him.

[D]

Gracie, I didn't even get out of the door. There's a cop outside. He says your house is quarantined.

[E]

He's crazy. It's Ducko.

[D]

Well, never mind. I'll see you later. I've got to keep this date. Wonder where this door leads to. Oh, wrong door. Isn't that silly? The Room closet.

[E]

Oh, look who said hello. George, when did you get back? Did you have a nice time with little redhead Gracie?

[D]

I was in the broom closet.

[E]

Oh, her husband came home, huh?

[D]

Look, I'm trying to get out of this house of yours.

[E]

Well, I've got an idea. Let's do what they do in the movies. Now, I'll tie this bed sheet around you and let you out of the window.

[D]

That's not a bad idea. Here, put it on me like that.

[E]

Oh. Then I'll tie this end to the bed. All right. All righty, Judge. Climb out of the window. Well, here I go.

[D]

Ouch.

[E]

Gracie. Gracie.

[B]

What?

[D]

What part of the bed did you tie it to?

[E]

The pillow.

[C]

The pillow. Hey, you worms.

[D]

I told you the place was quarantined.

[B]

Now get back in that house.

[E]

Well, look who did. Hello, John. Are you back from the day, doll? Did you have a nice time for the redhead?

[D]

See, I was. I almost killed myself. I just went through that window.

[E]

Oh, her husband came home again, huh?

[D]

You know, you could use another ounce of brain.

[E]

Uh, not me. I'm overweight.

[D]

Now, no matter where I go, that copper's there. I wish he'd stick to his beat.

[B]

Stick to his what?

[D]

Beat. Beat.

[B]

Meat. Meat. Spam is the meat that you should eat.

[D]

I know that. You should try. I know that, but we've done it before. This poetry is going from bad to verse. Oh, it's just a little slip. Look at me. I'm filthy. How can I get washed up? Just keep on telling those jokes, brother. Gracie, where's the washroom?

[E]

Right down the hall. You can't miss it. It's the one with the gasoline pump in front of it.

[D]

Gasoline pump?

[E]

Sure. My grandmother's a tourist, and we like to make her feel at home.

[D]

Well, I'll go in there and get cleaned up. It is.

[B]

It isn't.

[E]

It is.

[C]

It isn't. It is.

[D]

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. All you guys have been doing is arguing. What are you arguing about? I claim this Thursday is the real Thanksgiving, and Joe says it isn't.

[B]

Well, it is.

[C]

It is.

[D]

It is.

[C]

Oh, thanks, Stealth.

[D]

Gracie, I've got to get out of here.

[E]

Well, George, why. Why don't you go up on the roof and slide down the drain peep? And then when you get to the.

[D]

Yard, the drain peep.

[E]

Yeah. When you get to the yard, the drain peep. Oh. Oh, pardon me. I was out of Senor Le last night.

[D]

Keep on going out with him and you won't be able to speak English. Senor Burns when you say that, smile. Smile. Yes. S M E L L Smile. That smell.

[B]

You're perfect.

[D]

Oh, please. Everything happens to me here. I've got a date with a girl. I'm all messed up. I scrape my nose. Huh, What a pickle.

[B]

Looks more like a banana.

[D]

Oh, yeah? Well, my face happens to be all right. Doesn't bother me.

[E]

Maybe that's an account of your standing behind it.

[D]

Yeah, maybe. Well, I've just got to get out of here. Mr. Burn, what does that sound like?

[B]

Just look at this goldfish bowl. It's a rhapsody in glass. It's made of pure quartz.

[D]

Silicate time. Like this? You got to impress me with his education. There must be some way out.

[E]

Hey, Salman, what happened to the goldfish that were in that bowl? Ask me. What did you do with those goldfish?

[B]

Forgive me, Ms. Ellen, I couldn't help it. Once a Harvard man, always a Harvard man.

[D]

Well, there must be some way out of here.

[E]

See, I don't mind your eating the goldfish, but Tom Harmon is going to get pretty angry.

[B]

Why, Tom Harmon is that great Michigan football player.

[E]

Well, it's also the name of our cat.

[D]

You call your cat Tom Harmon?

[E]

Well, yeah. That's an account of every time he gets loose, he makes 10 yards.

[D]

Hey, wait a minute. Why didn't I think of this before? Gracie, where's the chimney?

[E]

Right there.

[D]

Well, goodbye everybody. I'm going up the chimney. Do for a woman. Well, here it is.

[E]

I'm out.

[D]

There's the blue sky. Blue sky, nothing.

[B]

That's my uniform.

[D]

You see?

[C]

Get back in there. Oh, look who's here.

[E]

Hello, George. You back?

[C]

Quiet, quiet, quiet.

[B]

Will someone person in every family listening tonight do us just one more small favor? All we want to ask is that you remind mother to get a can of Spam when she goes shopping tomorrow. You'll be doing a bigger favor for yourself because Spam is absolutely the most popular new meat item in a generation. Once you taste Spam's tempting flavor, its tender meaty goodness. You want to serve Spam often?

[D]

Spam is so easy to prepare.

[B]

Try it tomorrow. Use the simple recipes on the label. Ask your food dealer for S P A M Spam. Join the thousands who say whenever the occasion calls for delicious meat. At our house we serve Spam.

[D]

Well, but I'm certainly in a fine mess.

[E]

Oh, George, I just found out my granddaddy hasn't got the measles.

[C]

Well, good.

[D]

Now I can go and meet my new redhead.

[E]

Oh, yeah. Then you can say hello to my granddaddy. Because he went there, too.

[C]

Good night, all.

[B]

Join us again next week, same time, same station, for another Burns and Allen show with Artie Shaw and his orchestra and the smoothies. Until then, this is Bud Easton reminding you to remember that cold or hot Spam hits the spot. Have you tried Hormel chili con carne? Even those who think they don't like chili do like chili con carne the way Hormel makes it. Because it's different and everybody likes it. Double your money back if you don't like it. Try Hormel chili con carne tomorrow. This is the National Broadcasting Company.