Old Gold Comedy Theater 44-11-26 05 Clarence

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio

Episode: Old Gold Comedy Theater 44-11-26 05 Clarence

Date: October 1, 2025
Host: Harold’s Old Time Radio
Featured Play: Booth Tarkington’s "Clarence" – Starring Joseph Cotton

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Episode Overview

This episode transports listeners back to the Golden Age of Radio with an adaptation of Booth Tarkington’s witty comedy, "Clarence." The play skews family melodrama with a healthy dose of absurdity, eccentric characters, and comedic misunderstandings, all revolving around the mysterious Clarence—a down-on-his-luck ex-soldier (Joseph Cotton) who upends the chaos of the Wheeler household. The episode revels in snappy repartee, misunderstandings, and turn-of-the-century Americana, with a charmingly dry and farcical tone.

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Key Discussion Points & Storyline Breakdown

1. Introduction of the Wheeler Family & Setup

[00:17 – 02:22]

• Host Harold Lloyd sets the absurd stage, describing the Wheelers as a family with “wackiness thrust upon them.”
• Mr. Wheeler is rich yet perennially unhappy.
• Mrs. Wheeler feels insecure about her position, particularly regarding the beautiful governess, Violet Pinney.
• Cora Wheeler, the teenage daughter, is lovesick over Hubert Stemm, a dubious suitor.
• Bobby Wheeler, expelled from school, is a mischievous but hapless young man with a penchant for trouble... and Violet.
• Into this mix enters Clarence, an unassuming, awkward ex-soldier looking for a job.

Notable Quote:

“Some families are born wacky, some achieve wackiness, and others have wackiness thrust upon them. The Wheeler family comes under all three headings.”
— Harold Lloyd, [00:59]

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2. Clarence’s Odd Introduction to the Household

[02:22 – 09:22]

• Clarence, comically polite and out of place, struggles to secure a meeting with Mr. Wheeler:
  • Awkward interactions in the office, politely repeating his assigned meeting slot:

    “Next week, Friday at 10:30.” — Clarence, [02:52], repeated for comic effect.

• Brief, humorous exchanges with Cora and Bobby highlight Clarence’s simple honesty and sense of duty.
  • Jokes about his military background (driven a mule, injured in the liver, brought up by “cannibals”).
• Clarence is hired—on the spot—when it emerges he drove mules in the army; a perfect fit for wrangling the unruly Wheeler family.

Memorable Moments & Quotes:

“You drove a mule?”
“Somebody had to.”
— Bobby & Clarence, [06:41 – 06:45]

“Wasn’t a bullet, a bomb... a mule’s hoof.”
— Clarence on his war wound, [07:07]

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3. Clarence as Reluctant Family Confidante

[11:31 – 13:18]

• Clarence quickly becomes the unofficial therapist and fixer.
• Cora confides her dramatic heartbreak.
• Bobby laments his scandals.
• Della the maid threatens a breach of promise suit, and Mrs. Wheeler is jealous and conspiratorial.
• All seek Clarence’s passive sympathy and presence, except Violet, who keeps her distance.

“No one exactly understands Clarence’s capacity in the house, but they do understand his capacity for silent sympathy.”
— Narrator, [13:18]

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4. Violet & Clarence’s Growing Connection

[13:18 – 18:18]

• Clarence’s attempts to tune the piano (with little skill) amuse Violet and highlight his absurd versatility.
  • Violet: “You drove a mule in the army and you tuned pianos, too.” — [13:44]
  • Clarence: “I know as much about piano tuning as I do about driving mules.” — [13:47]
• Hubert Stemm, Cora’s suitor, is revealed to have been using Cora to make advances on Violet. Clarence and Violet join forces to shoo him away.
• A subtle undercurrent of affection grows between Violet and Clarence, as Violet calls him the “strangest person I’ve ever met” [17:30].

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5. Farce Peaks: Transformations and Revelations

[18:19 – 21:19]

• Clarence’s new clothes and the removal of his tinted glasses transform him from awkward veteran to heartthrob, dazzling the household.
  • Cora exclaims, “He looks just like Joseph Cotton!” [21:17]

Notable Comic Exchange:

“The soldier takes off his uniform and his glasses, puts on a suit of clothes, and everybody starts mooning around like a barn full of lovesick calves.”
— Mr. Wheeler, [21:10]

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6. The Clarence Mystery & Happy Ending

[23:23 – 27:39]

• The household falls under Clarence’s spell, even as confusion remains about his last name and background.
• Clarence prepares to leave as Violet’s job is finished.
• With gentle prodding, Clarence confesses his real background—he’s a prominent entomologist, expert on potato bugs.
  • His colorful past is finally revealed via a Who’s Who entry: born in the Congo, studied in England and Paris, and is a Doctor of Science.
• He and Violet profess their love, plan to leave for Montana, and romance blooms.

Final Touches:

“You see, well, aside from potato bugs, you’re the only person I’ve ever loved.”
— Clarence to Violet, [25:54]

“No potato bug ever looked like Joseph Cotton.”
— Cora, upon realizing Clarence is taken, [27:49]

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Notable Quotes & Comic Highlights (with Timestamps)

• "Some families are born wacky...The Wheeler family comes under all three headings." — Harold Lloyd, [00:59]
• "I have $10 million and I'm not happy." — Mr. Wheeler, [01:13]
• "I'm afraid I don't have any business. Exactly." — Clarence, [02:58]
• "I was brought up by some cannibals." — Clarence, [07:25]
• "He looks just like Joseph Cotton!" — Cora, [21:17]
• "Aside from potato bugs, you’re the only person I’ve ever loved." — Clarence, [25:54]
• "No potato bug ever looked like Joseph Cotton." — Cora, [27:49]

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Important Segment Timestamps

• 00:59 — Introduction to the eccentric Wheeler family
• 02:22 — Clarence’s comic interview and hire
• 11:31 — Clarence installed as confidante/mediator in the household
• 13:39 — Piano-tuning scene; Violet and Clarence’s rapport develops
• 16:15 — Hubert’s comically thwarted romantic pursuit
• 21:17 — Clarence’s transformation and Joseph Cotton reveal
• 25:54 — Clarence confesses his love and true profession
• 27:49 — Comic wrap-up; Clarence and Violet’s future

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Tone & Atmosphere

The performance is fast-paced, full of comic misunderstanding, innocent farce, and tongue-in-cheek banter. Clarence embodies patient, guileless wisdom amid the melodrama, and the writing leans into 1940s wit, with exaggerated romantic woes and satirical family dynamics. The episode maintains a light-hearted, self-aware charm throughout.

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Takeaways

• Classic comedic tropes—the mysterious visitor, the dysfunctional family, mistaken identities—are played for maximum amusement.
• Clarence is the unlikeliest of heroes: a misfit whose calm and oddity stabilizes the entire household.
• Happy Endings abound: old crushes are forgotten, new love is found, and Clarence’s true identity (and romantic fate) is revealed with all misunderstandings sweetly resolved.

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Listen to this episode for a rich sample of period radio comedy, full of charm, clever wordplay, and the enduring appeal of gentle, old-fashioned farce.

Transcript

[A]

From Hollywood, California, the makers of Old Gold cigarettes present the Comedy Theater, the only radio program that brings you every week the greatest stars in the greatest comedies. Tonight's play, Booth Tarkington's Clarence, starring Joseph Cotton. And here is the director of the Old gold comedy theater, Mr. Harold Lloyd.

[B]

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. May I begin with this paraphrase? Some families are born wacky, some achieve wackiness, and others have wackiness thrust upon them. The Wheeler family comes under all three headings because there's Mr. Wheeler.

[C]

I have $10 million and I'm not happy. I have a beautiful wife, my second, and I'm not happy. I have a son and a daughter by my first wife, and they're. Well, I'm just not happy.

[B]

And there's Mrs. Wheeler.

[D]

I have a wonderful husband and everything that money can buy. I suppose I should be happy, but my stepdaughter has a very beautiful governess, Violet Pinney. She lives with us and the children confide in her. So does my husband. How can I be happy?

[B]

And there's the daughter, Cora wheeler.

[D]

When you're 16, you're ripe for love. You're ready for the arms of Hubert Stemm. But just because he's a grass widower, no one understands this, not even Violet Pinney. Only a man of the world like Hubert can harness the raging torrents of my love. But they blind fools will not hear this. Happiness salt wilt never be mine.

[B]

And there's the son, Bobby Wheeler.

[E]

Look, just because a chap does a little crap shooting, should his prep school kick him out three times. Listen, if a young buck comes home and finds a good looking parlour maid, he kisses her, doesn't he? Then why should she threaten to sue me for breaches of promise when? Look, I just found out. I adore Violet Pinney. I worship the ground she walks over me on.

[F]

Happy?

[E]

Me nuts.

[B]

Yes, those are the Wheelers, with whom no one would wish to become involved, except maybe Clarence. Because fools rice in wear angels fear to trend. However, Clarence doesn't rush him. He enters the reception room of Mr. Wheeler's office, slowly sagging a bit in the middle, wearing thick tinted glasses and an army private's uniform badly in need of pressing, he says to Mr. Wheeler's secretary, Good morning.

[G]

Oh, you're the soldier who's been waiting to see Mr. Wheeler.

[F]

Yes, ma'. Am.

[G]

Well, Mr. Wheeler is very busy. Perhaps some other members of the firm could assist you.

[F]

No, ma', am, I don't think so. Mr. Wheeler, please.

[G]

I'm his secretary. Perhaps if you'd tell me your business.

[F]

I'm afraid I don't have any business. Exactly.

[G]

Or what you wanted to see him about.

[F]

It's. Well, it's personal.

[G]

I see. The very earliest you could speak to Mr. Wheeler would be Friday of next week at 10:30. What is your name?

[F]

It's Clarence, ma'. Am. Clarence.

[D]

Is Mr. Wheeler in his office, Grace?

[G]

Why, yes, Mrs. Wheeler. But I don't believe he was expecting you down this morning. I'll call him.

[D]

Oh, no, no, don't bother him. It's just that. Did they come in here this morning?

[G]

They?

[D]

Corin. Her governess. Violet Pinney.

[G]

No, Mrs. Wheeler.

[D]

Well, they will imagine as though I can't handle my own stepdaughter. So she needs a governess, but does she need a pretty one? Using every opportunity to confer with Mr. Wheeler.

[G]

You mean about Cora?

[D]

That's what she'd like me to believe, but I have other ideas.

[G]

Well, I'll be glad to tell Mr. Wheeler you're here.

[D]

I wouldn't bother him with my troubles. I'll just run downstairs for a few minutes. There's a diamond clip I saw that should look well on my new evening gown.

[F]

Next week, Friday at 10:30.

[G]

Oh, I had forgotten you were here.

[F]

Yes, ma'. Am. Next week. Friday at 10:30.

[G]

Pardon me. Hello? Yes, the son and heir's on his way in. Tried to stop him out here, but he's all steamed up about something. Thank you.

[E]

Look, I just saw mother going out. Listen, was she talking to father about me?

[G]

No, Bobby, she wasn't. And what are you doing home from school?

[E]

They sacked me again. Look, it's a high class school. They have to throw out somebody every month to give up their reputation. And I bounce easier than anybody else.

[G]

Are you going to worry your father with that?

[E]

No. Listen, I've got something else to worry him with. I'm in real trouble this time.

[G]

Well, your father is busy and he won't be able to.

[E]

Look, there's no hurry. I'll wait in one of the other offices. I want to call up a good lawyer anyway.

[F]

Next week, Friday at 10:30.

[G]

Yes. I'm sorry to have kept you waiting like this.

[F]

That's all right. It gave me a chance to look over the back numbers of esquire.

[D]

Really?

[G]

You don't look like the type who would read a squire.

[F]

You don't have to read it, ma'. Am.

[D]

His father in grace, Violet and I have an appointment to see him this morning. Isn't it exciting, being the subject of so many Conferences.

[G]

Your father said you'd be shown right in, Cora.

[D]

Oh.

[G]

How are you this morning, Ms. Pinney? Quite well, thank you. But I believe I should see Mr. Wheeler first, if you don't mind, Cora. Oh, not at all.

[D]

Go right ahead. When you've got everything ready for the slaughter, I'll come in like a little lamb.

[G]

Very well. I'll take you in now, miss Penny. Thank you.

[D]

Oh. Oh. Hello.

[F]

Hello.

[D]

What are you doing here?

[F]

I'm just leaving.

[D]

You're a soldier, aren't you? Were you in the war?

[F]

Well, I was in the army.

[D]

And you came to see father about a job? I think we should take care of all the soldiers and the sailors and the marines.

[F]

That's a lot to take care of.

[D]

Father has a big business. He's a cocoon on Wall Street.

[F]

Tycoon.

[D]

Was that it? Well, he'll see you and give you a good job anyway.

[F]

I hope so. Next week. Friday at 10:30.

[D]

Is that what Grace told you? Nonsense. You can go in and see him when it's my turn.

[F]

I wouldn't want to take your turn.

[D]

Phooey. All he wants to do is give me fits. Besides, I'm a woman in love, and my capacity to understand and help others is. Is infantile.

[F]

Infinite.

[D]

Was that it? Oh. What's your name?

[F]

It's Clarence.

[E]

Look, why should one of those lawyers want. Where's Grace? Cora, what are you doing here? And listen, who's that you're talking to?

[D]

Why, this is Clarence. Grace is in with Violet, talking with father about me. You and your puny affairs. They're discussing me.

[A]

You.

[E]

Look, you don't know what an affair is. Listen, I just called a lawyer.

[D]

Are you in some other trouble? Just since you've been expelled.

[E]

Never mind me and my puny affairs. Say, you're a soldier, aren't you?

[F]

Guess I still am. I've just been discharged.

[D]

What did you do in the army?

[F]

I drove a mule.

[E]

Look. You drove a mule?

[D]

Why did you do that?

[F]

Somebody had to.

[D]

But what for?

[F]

They won't go where you want them to unless you drive them.

[D]

But. But I didn't think they had mules in the army anymore.

[A]

Look.

[E]

Now, isn't that just like a woman? They always have to have a mule when they play the navy, don't they?

[D]

Were you wounded, Clarence?

[F]

Well, I was injured.

[D]

How dramatic. Where?

[F]

My liver.

[D]

I mean, where were you when the bullet struck?

[F]

Wasn't a bullet a bomb? A mule's hoof?

[E]

Look, do you have to ask all those personal questions?

[D]

Did you ever meet General Eisenhower? Clarence?

[F]

No.

[D]

Or General MacArthur?

[F]

No.

[D]

Where do you live when you're home?

[F]

Well, nowhere precisely.

[E]

Where was your home before the war?

[F]

Wherever I happened to be boarding.

[D]

Where did your mother and father bring you up?

[F]

I was brought up by some cannibals.

[D]

Oh, my goodness. When you were little?

[F]

Yes. Oh, that is, my nurse was a cannibal.

[E]

My God. Gosh.

[D]

Didn't your nurse ever try to eat you?

[F]

No, not me.

[D]

But didn't they ever try to eat your family?

[F]

Oh, not my family.

[D]

Well, who did they try to eat?

[C]

Cora, Ms. Penney has told me about your affair with this Hubert Stem, our grass widow. At 10 years older than you are. I forbid you to see him again.

[D]

Father, I love him. And when a woman loves a man with all the soul of her maturity.

[C]

If he comes to the house again, I'll throw him out on his maturity. And you. You, Bobby. So you've been expelled again.

[E]

Look, would you want your son to be where he's suffering all the time?

[C]

I'm afraid you're on the road there already, but I'll see what I can do about getting you into another school. Miss Penny, if you'd be kind enough to suggest another prep school where my.

[D]

Son'S reputation hasn't been the boy's stepmother. But does Miss Penny have to suggest everything?

[C]

Fanny, where did you come from?

[D]

Oh, is it possible that I've interrupted another tay to Tate?

[C]

Now, don't talk nonsense, Mother.

[D]

They won't Let me see Mr. St. Oh, my poor darling. Well, at least you come to me when your heart is troubled. Your father and Miss Pinny are probably too preoccupied to guide you.

[G]

Mr. Wheeler, I don't think I can stand any more of these insinuations.

[C]

Well, I'm depending on you, at least to keep your head. Now, take Cara home.

[D]

I'll take Cara home.

[C]

Well, I don't care who takes her home, just so long as she go.

[F]

Who are you? I'm Clarence.

[G]

Well, he's the soldier who's been waiting to see you, Mr. Wheeler.

[C]

You mean. You mean you've been here all the time? And you've heard all this?

[F]

Yes, sir. Everybody talks so loud.

[D]

Clarence was brought up by cannibals, but.

[E]

They didn't eat him.

[D]

He wants a job.

[E]

Look, he's been in the army and.

[D]

Everything, and a mule kicked his liver.

[C]

Is that why you sagged to the right, young man?

[F]

Yes, sir. I guess so.

[C]

Well, of course I'd like to do everything I can, but you know how it is just at present.

[D]

He used to drive mules you used.

[C]

To drive mules in the army?

[F]

Yes, sir.

[C]

Clarence, I've got some news for you. You're hired.

[F]

Thank you. Shall I report for work here or at your home?

[C]

You said you used to drive mules. What do you think?

[B]

Nice little setup Clarence has between Bobby and Cora and Violet and Mr. And Mrs. Wheeler. I think Clarence is going to long for the peace and quiet of a foxhole.

[A]

Oh, I don't know, Harold. If I were in Clarence's shoes, I wouldn't be perturbed.

[F]

Hmm.

[B]

Bob Williams, 140 pounds of steel and ice.

[A]

It's not that I'm just flesh and blood. No, Superman. It's just that I've discovered how to brush off little annoyances. When I get annoyed, I don't reach for a hatchet or even a bad egg. Why, I don't even count to 10.

[B]

What do you do? Say a magic word, like abracadabra.

[A]

I don't say abracadabra. But I do have a set of magic words. Very simple ones, too. I just say, why be irritated? Light an old gold.

[B]

Why be irritated? Light an old gold. Say, I feel better too.

[A]

Yes, smokers, when you want to keep your poise, there's nothing like the comfort and pleasure of a fine cigarette. But you can't get that pleasure if your cigarette is dry and harsh. So remember this important point.

[F]

To help prevent cigarette dryness, Old Gold's fine tobaccos are conditioned with apple honey. This special conditioning process helps hold in the natural moisture, helps guard your smoking enjoyment.

[A]

And here's another point.

[F]

For extra flavor, Old Gold has added a touch of rare imported Latakia tobacco to its magnificent blend of many choice tobaccos.

[A]

Yes, the extras are there for you in Old Gold Extra flavor, plus the extra special protection of of apple honey that helps guard against cigarette dryness. So don't forget this. When little annoyances come your way, why be irritated? Light an old gold and see for yourself why they've tripled in popularity.

[B]

And so it is that Clarence has come into the Wheeler home. Did I say home? I used the word lightly. Of course, most homes are divided into rooms, but the Wheeler domicile is divided into rounds, and Clarence has to referee every one of them. Every temper is automatic, every altercation is equipped with a self starter, and every misunderstanding grows like a baby full of vitamins. Either Bobby Wheeler is saying, look, just.

[E]

Because I kissed Della the maid, See, she once breaches a promise because the butler saw us and now he won't marry her. Listen, what would you do if I.

[F]

Were the Butler or the maid? No. Me, I don't know.

[B]

Or else, Corla. Or else Carla Wheeler is claiming.

[D]

They can't stop me, Clarence. They just can't. Why, if Hubert went to the end of the world, I'd follow him. Where is the end of the world, Clarence?

[F]

Somewhere in the distant future, I guess.

[D]

You don't know what it is to be in love with a man, do you?

[F]

No, I've never been in love with a man.

[B]

Ordella, the maid is insisting.

[D]

Phaethon has ruined my chances, that's what he has. The young master's played fast and loose with my character. And where else can a poor girl turn but to a lawyer?

[F]

Maybe the butler will take you back if you beg him.

[D]

Beg? One of my blood? Sure. And I'm sprung from Irish kings. Would you beg in my place?

[F]

Well, I don't know. You see, I never sprang from an Irish king.

[B]

Or Mrs. Wheeler was complaining.

[D]

And what am I in my own house? A stooge to a governess? This Violet Pinny, does she think she can replace me? Does she think she can steal the love of my stepchildren, of my husband? Does she think I'm blind? Well, does she?

[F]

I don't know. I haven't asked her.

[B]

And so it has gone on for three full weeks. No one exactly understands Clarence's capacity in the house, but they do understand his capacity for silent sympathy. And they all help themselves in generous measure. All except Violet, Penny Cor's governess. This morning, Clarence is tuning the piano, and Violet comes into the conservatory.

[G]

If you run across a melody, would you mind playing it?

[F]

I'm tuning the piano.

[G]

You drove a mule in the army and you tuned pianos, too.

[F]

Well, I know as much about piano tuning as I do about driving mules.

[G]

It seems you know something about buying clothes, too. Quite a wardrobe arrived for you this morning. I had the butler take them to your room.

[F]

Thank you. I'm anxious to get back into civilian clothes again.

[G]

I can imagine.

[F]

You mean anything would be an improvement over the way I wear this uniform?

[G]

I didn't say that.

[F]

I know. Every morning at inspection, my sergeant used to tear his hair. When he saw me, he said he just couldn't stand it any longer.

[G]

What happened to him?

[F]

He became bald.

[B]

Mr. Hubert stemmed to see you, Ms. Pinney.

[G]

Thank you. Dinwiddie, will you show him in here, please?

[F]

Thank you. I'll gather up my tools and go someplace else.

[G]

Oh, please don't. I wish you'd stay right here and.

[E]

Continue your piano tuning, Mr. Stemm.

[F]

Isn't he the one who I think.

[G]

She'S in love with? Yes, but I assure you that your being here will make no difference.

[F]

Well, whatever you say.

[C]

There you are. My dear Violet, you got my note.

[G]

That's why I'm seeing you.

[C]

I say, perhaps we could go someplace else.

[G]

I'm afraid not. What I have to say is brief. Mr. Wheeler asked me to inform you that if you called on Cora again or bothered her, he would personally throw you from this house.

[C]

It's just as well I have never been interested in Cora.

[G]

No.

[D]

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[C]

No, it's you I've wanted to see. I've been using her as an excuse.

[D]

Oh, Mr. Stemm, you've kept yourself aloof from me.

[C]

I had to resort to some means to see you.

[G]

I fail to see the necessity for that.

[C]

Then let me tell you, darling, that from the very first moment I laid my eyes on you.

[F]

Hup.

[C]

Pardon me a moment. Violet. I say, it's nice to have you back from the army and all that, my good man, but can't you tune that confounded piano some other day?

[F]

I'm afraid not.

[C]

Then take this $20 bill and have yourself a good time somewhere. I don't imagine you had much fun in the army.

[F]

Not as much as I'm having now.

[C]

Then suppose you run along, eh?

[F]

I can't. You see, I live here.

[C]

You were. You live here?

[G]

Clarence is one of Mr. Wheeler's secretaries.

[C]

This is preposterous. Violet, can't you take a walk with me?

[G]

Sorry.

[C]

Then how about you? Taking a walk with you?

[F]

I don't think I would.

[C]

Look, you could go first and I'd follow. There are some beautiful formal gardens a short distance away.

[F]

I don't know anything about gardens.

[G]

Just go on with your work, Clarence.

[C]

This is the end. I'll not stay around here to be insulted. A piano tuning secretary? I never heard of such a thing. I suppose the cook is also a plumber and the butler weaves Indian blankets on the side. I've had enough. Goodbye.

[G]

I think that takes care of Mr. Stemm.

[F]

You didn't seem to like him.

[G]

How could I? Pretending to be in love with Cora just to get to see me.

[F]

I'm glad.

[G]

Why should you be glad?

[F]

Well, so many people want you to think of them. The chap who just left. Bobby. Cora.

[G]

Mr. Wheeler, that last was uncalled for. You know my position in this house. I'm only staying until Cora's safely past this violent, level affair of hers.

[F]

Why don't you tell her what he just said to you?

[G]

And make her hate me and throw herself into his arms?

[F]

Is that what a woman would do?

[G]

You don't know much about women, do you?

[F]

I guess not.

[G]

Were you, by any chance a college professor before you entered the army?

[F]

No, no, not a professor.

[G]

A student.

[F]

Not exactly a student either.

[G]

You're the strangest person I've ever met.

[F]

That's what my grandfather used to say. He called me an interesting specimen.

[G]

Well, you are that.

[F]

Maybe instead of thinking of all the others, maybe you could think of me.

[G]

And why should I think of you?

[F]

Might be safer.

[D]

Clarence. Oh, Clarence. Oh, well, there you are. Dinwiddie said you bought yourself some new clothes. I wonder how you will look out of uniform. Funnier than ever, I expect. Don't you?

[F]

No, I think it'll be an improvement.

[D]

And those thick colored glasses. Will you always need them?

[F]

Maybe not. They said I could take them off when my eyes felt stronger.

[D]

Well, do put on your new clothes, won't you? We're all anxious to see you.

[F]

I was just going to.

[D]

You know, Clarence, you always did seem an awfully peculiar kind of soldier.

[F]

That's what the officers kept telling me. I'll be back after I change.

[D]

He's such an unusual person, isn't he? He's been living with us for three weeks and we really don't know anything about him.

[G]

Yes, he is unusual.

[D]

What's the matter with you? Oh.

[G]

Oh, me? Nothing. Why?

[D]

You sounded so funny. Oh, by the way, who was just here?

[G]

Someone to see me?

[D]

Who was it?

[G]

Really, Cora, you shouldn't ask.

[D]

It was Hubert Stem, wasn't he?

[G]

Yes, it was.

[D]

And you drove him away. Didn't.

[G]

Well, Clarence had more to do with it than I did.

[D]

Clarence, that idiot. What right had he?

[G]

Now, please, Cora, calm yourself. It was your father's wish.

[D]

I don't care whose wish it was. They can't live my life for me, and neither can you. I won't stand for it. I hate Clarence. I hate Father, I hate you. I'm going to Hubert.

[G]

Until I come.

[E]

How many times have I told you? You can't talk that way to Violet. Listen, she's on a high spiritual plane. And you and this Hubert. Look, I'll bust him in the snoop.

[D]

Will you shut up? I'll live my own life. You and your high spiritual plane. Please, Cora.

[E]

Bobby, look, even though she is my sister, she should keep the fingers of her sordid affairs away from you. Listen, Violet, ever since I first saw you, something came over me.

[D]

Something came over you when you kissed Della, too?

[E]

Look, that's a lie. It didn't mean a thing. And if you say that again. Listen, I'll give you the whipping you deserve.

[D]

You dare to lay a hand on.

[C]

Me and I. Oh, for heaven's sake. Can't I ever find this place peaceful and quiet when I come home from the office? Cora, stop that.

[G]

Look.

[D]

Then who?

[E]

Hubert Stem was here and she wants to rush away with him.

[D]

Bobby's in love with Violet, and he kissed Della, and he's in trouble. And I will run away with Hubert. And I hate Clarence and everybody.

[C]

Penny, I relied on you around here. Isn't there some way you can stop this?

[G]

Well, really, Mr. Wheeler, I don't think.

[D]

Perhaps that's just the trouble. Perhaps you've relied too much on Ms. Pinney, not enough on me.

[C]

Oh, for Pete's sake, Fanny. Are you going to start, too?

[D]

I think it's high time that I do. I've allowed too much to go on in this house under my very nose.

[G]

I don't feel that I have to.

[D]

Stand for any more of these insinuations.

[C]

Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I'm depending on you, Miss Penny. If you leave, then I'm such brazenness.

[D]

Well, if you two want to run away together, hang it.

[C]

Who said anything about running away with anyone? I'm going alone. And stop that sniveling.

[D]

Don't you dare touch that child.

[C]

I wasn't going to touch her, but so help me.

[D]

Look.

[E]

She needs a good fanning.

[D]

Bobby, to your own sister. Really, Mr. Wheeler.

[C]

Really nothing. I've stood out of this. I can't you hear? I can't take anymore.

[D]

This is the last.

[C]

I positively going to.

[F]

These are my new clothes. How do you like them?

[D]

Clarence. Clarence, Look. Clarence.

[C]

Clarence, what became of your glasses?

[F]

Guess I don't need them anymore. I can see all right.

[E]

Listen, that's a pretty snappy outfit you're wearing.

[G]

It really does make a difference.

[D]

Oh, Clarence. Clarence, I never thought Come over here and let's sit down and. Yes, Clarence, over here.

[C]

Say, what goes on here? The soldier takes off his uniform and his glasses, puts on a suit of clothes and everybody starts mooning around like a barn full of lovesick calves.

[D]

But don't you see, dear? Are you blind?

[C]

Blind? What am I supposed to see?

[D]

Who he looks like.

[C]

Well, who does he look like?

[D]

Oh, Father, don't be an icky. He looks just like Joseph Cotton.

[A]

So Clarence looks like Joseph Cotton.

[B]

What's that, Bob? You sound annoyed.

[A]

Well, I am. I'd like to look like Joseph Cotton too. Instead, I look like Clarence. I took my glasses off, thought it'd make me look more handsome. Do you know what happened?

[B]

What?

[A]

I walked into three doors.

[B]

Well, that is annoying. Did you get angry?

[A]

Well, I started to, and then I remembered. You know, those famous words of mine.

[B]

You mean, why be irritated? Light an Old Gold.

[A]

That's right. And I say the same thing to you smokers listening in. If the pixies start to plague you, get on the right side of things with an Old Gold cigarette. Enjoy its extra flavor plus its extra special protection from cigarette dryness. Or as so many smokers know, Old.

[F]

Gold's distinctive blend of many fine tobaccos, including a touch of costly, extra flavorful Latakia tobacco, is conditioned with apple honey. This special conditioning process helps hold in the natural moisture, helps guard against cigarette dryness.

[A]

So look to Old Gold and Light and Old Gold for more smoking pleasure. And when you do, please keep this in mind. Old Gold has tripled in popularity and billions of them are going to our men and women overseas. So if your dealer is out of Old Gold today, we're sorry and we're doing our very best to keep up. But won't you please ask again for Old Golds? Your pleasure will be that much greater when you do get a pack. When you do smoke the cigarette conditioned with apple honey to help prevent cigarette dryness. That's Old Gold.

[B]

And the Wheeler home becomes headquarters for sweetness and light. Just because Clarence looks like Joseph Cotton. Would that there could be one in every home. Mrs. Wheeler falls in love with her husband again. Shall we say indirectly. Cora forgets Hubert Stamm directly. Della, the maid, forgets all about Bobby because her eyes are full of moonbeams. But Clarence still remains a mystery. They aren't even sure of his last name. Wheeler insists that his last name is Smam because his secretary wrote it that way. Violet holds out for Clarence Moon because she has heard it that way. And Clarence insists they should have looked him up in who's who because he is listed there. And when they look him up, neither Smam or Moon can they find. So the mystery deepens, as does his spell over all but Violet. And then one morning he says to.

[F]

Her, I hear you're leaving today.

[G]

Yes. Cora's entering a school tomorrow, and Bobby's been taken back again by his principal. There's no longer any need for me.

[F]

Well, where will you go?

[G]

Oh, I don't know, but I'll find something.

[F]

I thought maybe we could go together. I'm leaving, too.

[G]

You're assuming quite a bit, aren't you? We looked you up in who's who last night and you weren't even mentioned.

[F]

You mean they dropped me so soon? I didn't expect that. Then maybe my work isn't so important since the war.

[G]

Your work?

[F]

I was on potato bugs.

[G]

Potato bugs?

[F]

Yes, out in Montana. Millions of potato bugs. Out there you find bugs that hate potato bugs and put them together. And then you save the potatoes.

[G]

Why? Why, that's an entomologist.

[F]

Sure, but why were you.

[G]

Why did you come here?

[F]

Well, I had a very good assistant when I left. In fact, he was a better bug man than I was. Specialist on potato bugs. Whereas I just played the field. I didn't want to come back and take his job after he took over for me. But there's a letter coming this morning that'll make everything right.

[G]

What letter?

[F]

I read that my former assistant had been offered a position with the Department of Agriculture and had accepted. So I wrote to the university telling them that I would be available again. If they still think as much of me as I think they do, I'll go back to my bugs. It's not a bad life, isn't it? We wouldn't be talking about bugs always. We'd talk about other things.

[G]

We. We would?

[F]

Yes. You see, well, aside from potato bugs, you're the only person I've ever loved.

[G]

Oh, Clarence.

[C]

Morning mail just arrived. There's a letter here for C.L. smith in Karami. Any idea who he might be?

[F]

Of course. I'm C.L. smith.

[C]

Smith? Well, I thought your name was Smam.

[F]

Nobody's name was ever Smam.

[D]

Clarence Smith. Oh, Mother. Let's see if that's in who's who.

[F]

I've been waiting for that letter, Mr. Wheeler. May. May I have it?

[C]

Well, I certainly, certainly hear.

[D]

Oh, here it is. Clarence Smith, born 7-13-13, 1914, at Tsubesi Mission Station, Congo River, Africa. Well, I should say he did have cannibals. Son of Gabriel C. Medical missionary and Martha S. Graduate, College of Physical Science, Newcastle, England. Postgraduate Polytechnique, Paris, France. Doctor of science.

[G]

Doctor of science.

[D]

Chief entomologist, Sturtevant Biological Laboratory.

[G]

Chief entomologist.

[F]

This is it. Listen, this is the news I've been waiting for. I can have my position back starting today. What do you say, Violet?

[G]

What do I say? I hardly know you. Doctor of science, chief entomologist.

[F]

Why not forget the titles? How's about kissing? Just Clarence.

[G]

Clarence?

[D]

She kissed him. She kissed him. Why, certainly, dear. Didn't you know? They're going to be married? Married? Oh, Clarence.

[E]

Look, this is quite a shock. Violet, listen, when am I going to see you again?

[G]

Anytime, Bobby. You can come out to Montana on your vacation.

[D]

Montana?

[F]

That's right. We'll be working with the potato bugs.

[D]

Potato bugs?

[C]

Oh, Cora, for heaven's sake. What's the matter now?

[D]

I've lost Clarence, and what's the use of going out to Montana?

[C]

Why not, I'd like to know.

[D]

Because no potato bug ever looked like me. Joseph Cotton.

[B]

This is Harold Lloyd and this is Joseph Cotton saying good night to you for Old Gold. And I hope you'll be with us again next Sunday when the Old Gold Comedy Theater presents John Hodiak and Susan Hayward in Take A Letter, Darling. See you then.

[A]

Joseph Cotton appeared on the Old Gold Comedy Theater by arrangement with David O. Selznick, producer of I'll Be Seeing you, in which Mr. Cotton will soon be seen. Clarence was presented by arrangement with Samuel French. Now, don't let little annoyances get you down. Why be irritated? Light an Old Gold. It's conditioned with apple honey to help guard against cigarette dryness and gives you more smoking pleasure. And listen to Old Gold's other great new show, which is which? With Ken Murray as MC Richard Himber's orchestra and famous stars of stage, screen and radio or their reasonable facsimiles, tune in Wednesday night on another network. Consult your newspaper for time and station. The makers of Old Gold cigarettes would like to remind our listeners that now, during the 6th. 6th War Loan Drive is the time for each of us to buy a share in speedy and complete victory over Germany and Japan. Now is the time to buy an extra bond in addition to your regular monthly quota. As the tempo of the battle increases, as victory comes ever closer, more and more supplies are needed to guarantee that victory. That is why your extra bonds are needed now so urgently. Your purchase of an extra bond is your pledge to the men and women overseas. This is Bob Williams saying good night for Old Gold. This is the National Broadcasting Company.