Only If Its Fatal 19xx.xx.xx So Funny You'll Die Laughing

Summary

Harold's Old Time Radio - Episode Summary: "Only If It's Fatal 19xx.xx.xx So Funny You'll Die Laughing"

Release Date: February 17, 2025
Host/Author: Harold's Old Time Radio
Description: Dive into the thrilling narratives of the Golden Age of Radio, where families gathered to immerse themselves in captivating stories before the advent of television. This episode, titled "Only If It's Fatal," delivers intense drama and sharp dialogue reminiscent of classic radio shows like The Shadow, Dragnet, and Abbott & Costello.

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1. Setting the Scene

The episode opens with a high-stakes confrontation unfolding in a chaotic urban environment. Protagonists Johnny and Sam find themselves amidst gunfire and turmoil, responding to a critical situation involving their associates.

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2. The Initial Conflict

[00:01:05] Johnny: "They're coming on first."
[00:01:06] Sam: "Johnny, can you see the two new boys?"

As gunfire erupts, Johnny and Sam navigate the dangers outside, witnessing the unfolding chaos. The introduction of characters Rico and Vinny adds to the tension, highlighting the perilous nature of their mission.

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3. Rallying the Troops

[00:02:19] Johnny: "All of them. We got them all."
[00:03:17] Sam: "No casualties. No casualties. Except for you."

Despite the intense situation, Johnny and Sam manage to fend off their adversaries with minimal casualties. Their quick actions ensure that their team remains largely unharmed, showcasing their competence and teamwork under pressure.

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4. Aiding the Injured

[00:02:40] Sam: "Mason, can you hear me? Yeah. You are just fine, old man."
[00:07:37] Sam: "Well, he'll make it. Lots of blood, more than anything else."

The duo attends to Mason, who is critically injured. Sam's reassuring words and determination to stabilize Mason emphasize the depth of their camaraderie and the high stakes of their operation.

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5. Unraveling Trust and Deception

[00:07:15] Johnny: "You park the car outside the hotel. All of you go up to the party."
[00:12:14] Sam: "Just. Just a ring of mine. A diamond."

As the episode progresses, suspicions arise regarding the integrity of their team. Sam and Johnny discuss inconsistencies in actions and the mysterious disappearance of key members like Linda Rapalo, hinting at deeper layers of betrayal and hidden motives.

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6. The Break-In Investigation

[00:09:52] Johnny: "I don't see any powder around the biscuit."
[00:11:12] Johnny: "It's just. Just a ring of mine. A diamond."

Johnny discovers subtle signs of a break-in, such as a faint powder line near a briefcase that was seemingly undisturbed. This leads to a deeper investigation into what was taken—or perhaps deliberately left untouched—raising questions about the true value of the contents and the intentions behind the intrusion.

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7. Unveiling Hidden Agendas

[00:09:01] Johnny: "Don't tell me you're starting to have second opinions about him."
[00:09:18] Sam: "I think he feels something more than a passing interest in an hour."

The relationship dynamics between Sam, Johnny, Linda, and Mason come to the forefront. Sam grapples with his feelings towards Mason, blurring the lines between professional duty and personal affinity, which adds emotional complexity to the narrative.

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8. Climax and Resolution

[00:10:21] Sam: "Careful worker though. The lock on the briefcase has been wiped clean."
[00:10:27] Johnny: "So somebody's moved the briefcase, Johnny."

The investigation culminates in the revelation that the break-in was orchestrated with precision, indicating a sophisticated adversary. Sam and Johnny must reconcile the breach's implications with their mission, setting the stage for future confrontations and deeper storylines.

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9. Closing Thoughts

The episode wraps up with reflections on the events that transpired, highlighting the fragile balance between trust and suspicion within the team. The intricate plot and dynamic character interactions leave listeners eagerly anticipating the next installment.

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Notable Quotes

• Johnny on the chaos: "Holy cow. What's going on out there?" [00:01:08]
• Sam on the aftermath: "No casualties. Except for you." [00:03:17]
• Sam on Mason's condition: "Well, he'll make it. Lots of blood, more than anything else." [00:07:37]
• Johnny on trust issues: "I had an idea her infatuation for Richard was barely skinned deep. Looked like I was wrong." [00:07:54]
• Sam on Mason's complexity: "I think he feels something more than a passing interest in an hour." [00:08:30]
• Johnny on the break-in: "They're talking in marbles, John. What in earth if I got in there it's so valuable." [00:12:06]

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Conclusion:
"Only If It's Fatal" masterfully blends suspense, action, and emotional depth, staying true to the essence of classic radio dramas. Through its compelling dialogue and intricate plot, the episode captivates listeners, offering a memorable experience that echoes the timeless allure of the Golden Age of Radio.

Transcript

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[Johnny]

They're coming on first.

[Sam]

Johnny, can you see the two new boys?

[Johnny]

Where are they?

[Sam]

Holy cow. What's going on out there? The makers of Cold Water Omo with Power Foam plus presents only if it's fatal. Oh, Bunny, you'll die. La. Hey, that's them. Somebody's shooting at them.

[Johnny]

Johnny, it's Rico and Vinny. They're right about running fine too.

[Sam]

Come on, let's lend a hand when I'm mopping up what's up?

[Johnny]

Johnny, behind that car.

[Sam]

Sorry, John, not tonight.

[Johnny]

You got him.

[Sam]

Hold your fire. Rico, hold your fire. Rico. Many were coming out.

[Johnny]

Hey there.

[Sam]

Give it a couple of seconds. Make sure it's not a little quick. Try something.

[Johnny]

Johnny. Johnny, what's going on?

[Sam]

It's okay. The cavalry arrived. Rico and Benny got here just in time. Is Mason okay?

[Johnny]

No. You better come over here.

[Sam]

Come on, Sam. Let's see what we can do.

[Johnny]

Johnny. I don't know what's wrong. He seems to be on the verge of collapsing every couple of seconds.

[Sam]

Mason, can you hear me? Yeah. You are just fine, old man. Don't worry. I'll hold up my end. Keep the flank covered. It's okay. The battle. Belda, you can relax now. We. We held them off. Sure. You did just fine. We. We All. All right. No. No casualties. No casualties. Except for you. Hold on, Mason. We'll have you in hospital in no time at all. Oh, just keep fighting. And then how many of them?

[Johnny]

All of them. We got them all.

[Sam]

Splinter. Clean sweep. Of the loft.

[Johnny]

Don't try to move. Just. Just take it easy, honey.

[Sam]

It's nothing.

[Johnny]

It's just a little nick in the jolly old shoulder.

[Sam]

Nothing to worry about, my love. How's it look, Sam?

[Johnny]

Not too good.

[Sam]

Put a lot of bleeding, all this bony. Good bleeder.

[Johnny]

This is no time to make with the jokes. Now, you just beat me back against this wall, honey.

[Sam]

That's it.

[Johnny]

Keep your head up. But how could you? Johnny Joke dealer's bleeding. He's a doctor. Probably transfusion. And he needs him first.

[Sam]

Linda, that house behind us with us people peering from behind the curtains.

[Johnny]

Yeah.

[Sam]

Get in there and call an ambulance. Phone is a matter of life and death. I'm hurry.

[Johnny]

Sure, John. Right away. I'll take care of him. Will you? Take good care of you. There's people who get out of their mind.

[Sam]

You blame them. A pitch gun battle right in the street in front of them. Grenade bursting, cars pranging. They must have wrong with World War three.

[Johnny]

A lot of people staring out of windows now all over the show. Nobody coming near Johnny. They're all keeping their distance.

[Sam]

Yeah. In a couple of minutes, though, this place will look like Grand Central and rush hour. Right now, they're still not sure the shooting's over and are in no hurry to stick their necks out, just in case.

[Johnny]

Here comes Chico, looking as cool and disinterested as ever. Anyone would think he just stepped out from under a cold shower. Doesn't anything ruffle him?

[Sam]

Sure, the streak of dust in his nice white linen suit. A hair out of place maybe, but certainly nothing as trivial as a gunfight. Sam, Everything okay?

[Johnny]

Just a bar tricker. Richard's been hurt, though.

[Sam]

He hurt bad. We sent for an ambulance. He's gonna need it. What kept you, baby? If you'd been on the scene now, this would have happened. Try answering my question. You park the car outside the hotel. All of you go up to the party. Now or later, this creep comes out and drives away. No sign of you, Linda, or this doll. Me and Benny were waiting outside for you to show. Only you don't. So what do you expect from us? Mind we. We had to get away from that hotel before the trouble started. The only thing was we seemed to take it with us. These babies were more in the bowl than we gave them credit for. They got on our tail again with both cars. Yeah, we saw one of them leave in a hurry after this guy. It's Mason. And 50 minutes later, the second car takes off in a hurry. I've left us right in the Middle field. We stick around outside waiting for you to show. Or is there trouble someplace else? And we follow the tracking car. So you decided to follow the car? Yeah. What's the matter? Couldn't that fancy hot rod of yours catch up? Not in the time. We had a guide on his tail and he had a good couple of blocks lead on us. And we got hemmed in by a couple of vessels. And by the time we were in the clear again, the road in front of us is empty. We shoot past the street and we're a couple of blocks in the wrong direction and we hear that bomb blast. So we hightail it back and we get here before there's too much damage. Except to draft. What's the score out there? How many of them are alive? Are you kidding? Alive and none. There. Not one. But Mason here only wounded one of them. What happened to him? Must have been the guy going for a gun on the ground. Penny took him before he could reach it. There's three more of them out there. Likewise. He's not with us anymore. Hey. Hey, Peter. I don't see Linda Rapalo around. Where is she?

[Johnny]

It's all right. She's not hurt.

[Sam]

Huh?

[Johnny]

She's in there phoning for an ambulance.

[Sam]

That's good. Anything would have happened to her. Rapalo. He would have had my head on a plate. But I tell you something, faithful before he gets to me. You would already have been dead. That's interesting. Oh, well, it's easy, man. I would have killed you.

[Johnny]

Come in, Johnny. Oh, I should imagine you could use a drink right now.

[Sam]

An iced beer if you've got one.

[Johnny]

Sure, plenty in the fridge in the cocktail cabinet. Sit down. I'll open one for you.

[Sam]

Thanks. You know, I feel pretty bushed at that.

[Johnny]

You think Nathan's going to be all right, Johnny? He looked pretty bad just before they wheeled him into the operating theater.

[Sam]

Well, he'll make it. Lots of blood, more than anything else. And with little Linda in there cheering for him, he'll pull through.

[Johnny]

You think it was wise to leave her at the hospital?

[Sam]

How would you suggest I got her out of there? Dragging her kicking and screaming into the night. That's about the only way she would have come.

[Johnny]

I had an idea her infatuation for Richard was barely skinned deep. Looked like I was wrong.

[Sam]

Whatever gave you an idea like that?

[Johnny]

Oh, I rather thought it was a cover up. She was doing it just to get at you.

[Sam]

You were right. That's the way it started. But then things got out of hand. She found herself really liking Him? I don't think she really realized it until she saw him lying, bleeding. Then she flipped.

[Johnny]

All's well, it ends well, as they say in the classics. Yeah, that.

[Sam]

All right? Nothing. But I mean, nothing could be more perfect. Thanks. Cheers.

[Johnny]

Cheers.

[Sam]

That went down the right way. I feel better already. You know something funny? I think Mason has found himself in deeper than he figured, Sami. I think he started getting friendly with Linda just to get within striking distance of the Stones of Death. But somehow they both bit off more than they could chew. I think he feels something more than a passing interest in an hour. Otherwise there would have been no call for him to get himself involved in all this mess. And let's face it, there's. He just about laid down his life on the line for her.

[Johnny]

Don't tell me you're starting to have second opinions about him.

[Sam]

There's something pretty likable about the guy. No matter how hard I try to keep in mind that he's nothing more than a jewel thief, you wouldn't notice it.

[Johnny]

You're being fond of anything about him. It's in the way you snapped at him all the time.

[Sam]

Well, I have a job to do, which is to make sure Mason doesn't get his paws on the stones. I still don't know which way he'll jump if he has a choice. Linda, the necklace. So I've got to keep him in perspective. If I find myself getting chummy with the guy, he could jump on me. So I don't get too chummy.

[Johnny]

Well, I suppose it sounds sensible. I know what you mean about him being likable, though he has an incredible charm.

[Sam]

Yeah, So I wear my blinkers whenever I'm around him. What's the matter, Sam? Where the frown.

[Johnny]

Oh, probably nothing, Johnny.

[Sam]

Come on. What are you staring at like that?

[Johnny]

My briefcase. Come and look, Johnny, from over here. Just look down on the carpet there where it's standing. You remember just before I left, I put some powder on my nose?

[Sam]

Yeah, you're pretty big on gilding the lily. What about it?

[Johnny]

Well, as I slipped over my contacts, some of the powder.

[Sam]

Slipped?

[Johnny]

It fell down next to the briefcase. Not a lot of it, hardly more than a thumbnail full, but it's pretty fine stuff. Split by facing me. Look down there.

[Sam]

I'm not with you, Sam. What am I supposed to be looking at? I don't see any powder around the biscuit.

[Johnny]

That's the whole point. There isn't any. But over there, Johnny, you can just make out a very faint line of powder on the Carpet. I'll cock your head this way a little. Maybe it's the knife that shows it up.

[Sam]

Yeah, I see it. You're right. But. But the line is about 2 inches away from the briefcase.

[Johnny]

Sure, but it wasn't that way when we left. Somebody's moved the briefcase, Johnny. And we placed it just slightly out of position. That powder line's a dead giveaway.

[Sam]

Yeah, you're on the ball, Sam. Somebody's been in here. No doubt about it. Careful worker though. The lock on the briefcase has been wiped clean. Not so much as a smudge of a fingerprint on it. Is there anything valuable in there?

[Johnny]

Just. Just a ring of mine. A diamond. Oh, it's not really worth very much. Oh, and some travelers checks.

[Sam]

Got the keys?

[Johnny]

Yes, yes, of course. I carry my dad here. That's no effect.

[Sam]

No thanks. Whoever will take this locked it again afterwards. A professional. Take a look here in an English I know.

[Johnny]

Here's the ring, Johnny.

[Sam]

And here are the chicks.

[Johnny]

There's nothing else worth taking either.

[Sam]

So somebody took the trouble of burglizing your room and didn't even swipe anything. That's interesting, honey. Very interesting.

[Johnny]

I don't get it, Johnny. I mean you just have to take a look at me to know I'm not a new millionaire cloth. So why don't you the profit of breaking in here?

[Sam]

You said you had nothing valuable in that briefcase. You're wrong. You do have something valuable. And the guy that broke in here knew it.

[Johnny]

They're talking in marbles, John. What in earth if I got in there it's so valuable.

[Sam]

Let's paper's information. That diary of yours for instance. In it you've got details of where we're going to be, when and for how long. To the right kind of people, honey, that sort of information's like 24 karat gold. The makers of Cold Water Omo with Power Foam plus invite you to listen every weekday night. Monday to Friday at 7:15 to only if it's fatal. And don't forget your standing date tonight at 8 with pick a box.

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[Sam]

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