Ozzie and Harriet 45-09-30 (044) Exaggeration Troubles

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Ozzie and Harriet 45-09-30 (044) Exaggeration Troubles

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Host: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode: Ozzie and Harriet 45-09-30 (044) Exaggeration Troubles
Aired: September 17, 2025
Original Broadcast: September 30, 1945

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Episode Overview

This episode of "Ozzie and Harriet" zeroes in on a timeless theme: the trouble that exaggeration can bring to family life. Prompted by Harriet’s tendency to embellish, Ozzie attempts to “cure” her by meeting exaggeration with over-the-top tall tales of his own. What begins as playful banter about last night’s party soon snowballs into a comic misadventure involving antiques, misunderstandings, and a very costly visit from the tax assessor. The show sparkles with witty repartee and satire, offering a humorous look at household dynamics and human foibles.

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Key Discussion Points and Episode Breakdown

1. Post-Party Reflections (01:46–05:24)

• Setting: Ozzie and Harriet, sluggish after a late-night party, reflect humorously on the prior evening.
• Party Recap: Ozzie insists he played the “perfect host,” but Harriet recalls his faux-pas, from his awkward admiration for guests’ dresses to loudly advertising "free sandwiches."
• On Exaggeration: Harriet jokes about being “starved” for breakfast, segueing to Ozzie’s frustration about her habit of exaggeration—especially when she bragged at the party that Ozzie could do 50 push-ups (when he could barely do seven).
  • Quote:

    "You must exaggerate, dear. I wish you'd leave me out of it."
    — Ozzie Nelson (05:36)

2. Breakfast Table Escalation – Ozzie’s Counter-exaggeration (05:59–14:24)

• Ozzie’s Plan: Ozzie confides in son David, deciding he’ll exaggerate even more than Harriet to teach her a lesson.
• Breakfast Tactics: Ozzie begins making absurd claims about not having eaten for “two weeks” and delivers wild stories (e.g., his lodge friend eats "135 eggs, 50 quarts of milk, 6 dozen wheat cakes" for breakfast).
• Household Banter Chain: Gloria the housekeeper enters with her own tall tales about “air pressure cocktails.” The family’s banter mounts as they trade ever more ludicrous nuggets.
  • Quote:

    “One drink and you blow your top.”
    — Gloria (12:11)

  • Quote:

    “I've had your relatives over for dinner. Your Uncle Peter could eat that guy under the table and then eat the table right off of him.”
    — Harriet Nelson (13:42)

3. The "Antiques" Scheme – Ozzie’s Plan Backfires (19:39–27:29)

• The Scheme: Ozzie and Emmy Lou (neighbor) concoct a plan: when the antique dealer arrives, Ozzie will use outrageous exaggerations to show Harriet how silly it is.
• Unexpected Visitor: Instead of the antique dealer, Mr. Clark from the County Tax Assessor's office appears to value their furniture for tax purposes.
• Ozzie’s Antics: Ozzie grossly inflates the value and history of household items:
  • A table—really worth $50—is pronounced “$5,750” and purportedly a Scottish knight's footstool.
  • The old piano is “the one the finance company took back from Franz Schubert.”
  • A lamp was “used by Julius Caesar” before electricity was invented.
  • Quote:

    “You just succeeded not only in picking out one of the most valuable possessions in the house, you have picked out the most valuable. This floor lamp … was once used by Julius Caesar.”
    — Ozzie Nelson (26:09)

• Table-Turned: Mr. Clark diligently writes down all values for the tax records.
• Harriet’s Exasperation: Harriet is mortified by Ozzie’s claims and reveals to Ozzie he’s been speaking to the tax assessor, not the antique dealer.
  • Quote:

    “That was the assessor for our personal property tax. And this year, it’s going to be a honey.”
    — Harriet Nelson (27:41)

4. Resolution: Learning (or Not Learning) the Lesson (29:49–31:09)

• Tax Consequences: Harriet shows Ozzie the (humorously exaggerated) tax bill—$152,740—and jests that their living room is now "worth half a million."
• All’s Well that Ends Well: Harriet clarifies the records are accurate because she quickly corrected Ozzie’s exaggerations with Mr. Clark.
• Last Laugh: Harriet confesses she had to tell Mr. Clark Ozzie had "a brain the size of a peanut" to rectify matters.
  • Quote:

    “There you go exaggerating again.”
    — Ozzie Nelson (31:09)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Harriet’s Party Recap:

  “You admired every woman's dress. All right. In fact, you mortified that one woman completely.” (02:56)

• Ozzie’s Rationale:

  “I'm merely trying to show you how foolish it is to exaggerate things.” (14:14)

• Emmy Lou’s Philosophy:

  “Women don’t exaggerate, Mr. Nelson. It’s just that after they get done telling the truth, they keep on talking.” (20:12)

• Emmy Lou’s Exaggeration Logic:

  “If I met a goon, of course I tell my girlfriends he’s the most divine man—utterly handsome, simply super dreamboat. … Then they know he’s a goon, or I wouldn’t have said all that.” (20:26–20:47)

• Harriet’s Zinger:

  “I told him you had a brain the size of a peanut.” (31:05)

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Important Segments & Timestamps

• Party Aftermath/Exaggeration Setup: 01:46–05:24
• Ozzie's Counter-Exaggeration at Breakfast: 07:07–14:24
• Gloria’s Tall Tales: 11:01–13:14
• Emmy Lou’s Exaggeration Philosophy: 19:39–20:47
• The Antiques/Tax Assessor Fiasco: 22:29–27:41
• Resolution and Final Banter: 29:49–31:09

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Summary & Takeaway

“Ozzie and Harriet: Exaggeration Troubles” deftly satirizes the everyday embellishments we indulge in, tipping over into farce when Ozzie tries to give Harriet a taste of her own medicine. The moral? Sometimes exaggeration gets you in hot water, and the best intentions can backfire hilariously. Through misunderstandings, marital banter, and over-the-top claims, the episode delivers classic comedic timing and gently pokes fun at the art of the tall tale—a relatable slice of Golden Age radio.

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Transcript

[Narrator]

What do you think makes the perfect snack?

[AM PM Spokesperson]

Hmm, it's gotta be when I'm really craving it and it's convenient.

[Harriet Nelson]

Could you be more specific?

[AM PM Spokesperson]

When it's cravenient.

[Singer (King Sisters)]

Okay.

[AM PM Spokesperson]

Like a freshly baked cookie made with real butter, available right down the street at a.m. p.m. Or a savory breakfast sandwich I can grab in just a second at a.m. p.m.

[Harriet Nelson]

I'm seeing a pattern here.

[AM PM Spokesperson]

Well, yeah, we're talking about what I.

[Harriet Nelson]

Crave, which is anything from AM PM.

[AM PM Spokesperson]

What more could you want?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Stop by AM PM where the snacks.

[AM PM Spokesperson]

And drinks are perfectly craveable and convenient. That's cravenience AM PM Too much good stuff.

[Ozzie Nelson]

See if you can guess this one.

[Harriet Nelson]

Is it a song or a slogan?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Oh, it's a slogan. A very popular slogan.

[Harriet Nelson]

Go ahead.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Da da da da da da da da da da da da da da.

[Harriet Nelson]

Da da oh, that's easy. America's finest silver plate is 1847 Rogers Brothers.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Oh, you're just too smart.

[Harriet Nelson]

Sure.

[Narrator]

From Hollywood International Silver Company, creators of 1847 Rogers Brothers Silver Plate present the Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet. Starring America's favorite young couple, Ozzie Nelson and Harriet Hilliard. Well, folks, let's look in on the Nel at 1847 Rogers Road. It's late morning, but Ozzie and Harriet haven't even eaten breakfast yet. They were up quite late last night. And as we join them in the living room, they're discussing the events of the night before.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Gee, that was a wonderful party last night, wasn't it, Harriet?

[Harriet Nelson]

Yeah, it certainly was. And it's amazing what happens to you after one glass of beer.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Now, just what is that supposed to mean? You trying to imply that one glass of beer made me, shall we say, a little hazy?

[Harriet Nelson]

We shall say it.

[Ozzie Nelson]

It's ridiculous. After the party, I drove us home. All right, didn't I?

[Harriet Nelson]

See what I mean? We're the ones that gave the party.

[Ozzie Nelson]

I was just going along with the gag, smarty. There's a very lovely party and you know it. Have you called the insurance company yet?

[Harriet Nelson]

No, I haven't really checked to see if there's any damage. See? We certainly had a lot of interesting people here last night, didn't we?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Yeah. I wonder who they were. A lot of them were complete strangers to me. Of course, I was busy most of the evening being the perfect host.

[Harriet Nelson]

Oh, yeah, you were the perfect host.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Well, now, why do you say it that way? I thought I was very attentive and very charming. I hope you noticed that I admired each and every woman's dress as she walked into the room.

[Harriet Nelson]

You admired every woman's dress. All right. In fact, you mortified that one woman completely.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Well, how should I know? She wasn't wearing a bustle.

[Harriet Nelson]

Oh, and speaking of being a perfect host, how about the time you helped serve the sandwiches?

[Ozzie Nelson]

I thought I served the sandwiches very well.

[Harriet Nelson]

Well, honey, there are certain things that guests take for granted. You didn't have to keep saying, they're free, they're free.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Don't be silly. Everybody knew I was only kidd. Oh, and by the way, dear, if we ever give another party, let's not invite that Charlie, huh?

[Harriet Nelson]

Charlie who?

[Ozzie Nelson]

You know, that Charlie whatchamacallit.

[Harriet Nelson]

Oh, him. I thought you liked him.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Oh, I guess he's all right. But he's such a ham. Always trying to hog the spotlight and be the life of the party.

[Harriet Nelson]

Well, I didn't notice. When was that?

[Ozzie Nelson]

When? Why, every time I began my impersonation of Edward G. Robinson. You know, the one where I put the cigar in my mouth and I say, oh, so you guys are okay?

[Harriet Nelson]

Darryl, okay. I've heard it so many, many times.

[Ozzie Nelson]

And another thing, how Charlie can tell those corny old jokes.

[Harriet Nelson]

Oh, hey, did you notice how all the women left the room every time somebody started telling a risque joke?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Yes, that always annoys me. Why can't they let the men hear it too?

[Harriet Nelson]

It was a swell party, though. I really had a wonderful evening. Wasn't it fun dancing for a change?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Yeah, it sure was. Hey, how about that big fat friend of yours doing the Roomba?

[Harriet Nelson]

Yeah, she was quite a sight.

[Ozzie Nelson]

I'll say. Every time she danced around the room once, she rearranged the furniture twice.

[Harriet Nelson]

I wonder if Gloria has breakfast ready yet. I'm absolutely starved.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Starved?

[Harriet Nelson]

Well, not exactly. But you know how us women like to exaggerate a little.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Oh, yes. Which brings up a little matter I've been wanting to talk to you about.

[Harriet Nelson]

What's that, dear?

[Ozzie Nelson]

That exaggeration of yours at the party last night. The one that involved me.

[Harriet Nelson]

Well, I was. I've been wondering when you're gonna bring that up.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Why did you announce to everybody that I could do 50 push ups?

[Harriet Nelson]

Well, I'm proud of you, dear.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Are you proud of me when I could only do seven and nearly burst a blood vessel?

[Harriet Nelson]

You certainly let me down.

[Ozzie Nelson]

That's just the point I'm trying to make. I didn't let you down. You just built me up too high.

[Harriet Nelson]

Well, how would it have sounded if said my husband can do five push ups? That'd be pretty small potatoes. So I simply said 50. You noticed that Everybody was very much impressed.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Yeah, until I couldn't get up after the seventh one. You must exaggerate, dear. I wish you'd leave me out of it. Oh, here's David. Good morning, son.

[Harriet Nelson]

Morning, Pop.

[Emmy Lou]

Morning, Mom.

[Harriet Nelson]

Good morning, David. When are we gonna have breakfast, Mom? Well, maybe I'd better go out in the kitchen, see how Gloria's coming along. Party kept her sort of busy last night, and she cleaned up afterwards. I'll be back in a minute. How was the party last night, Pop?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Oh, it was a lot of fun. Except for one embarrassing situation your mother got me in.

[Harriet Nelson]

What happened, Pop?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Well, your mother insisted on bragging about me, and she just let herself go. Cause she's a very lovely and wonderful woman, and I wouldn't criticize her for the world, but, oh, brother, how that gal can exaggerate things.

[Harriet Nelson]

I know, Pop. When she tells other kids mothers about my grade, she always adds five points onto every subject.

[Ozzie Nelson]

I'd like to hear what she'd tell them if you made a hundred and something.

[Harriet Nelson]

Don't worry about it, Pop. There's not a chance.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Oh, why not, David?

[Harriet Nelson]

Well, nobody's perfect, you know.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Where'd you pick that line up from?

[Singer (King Sisters)]

You.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Oh, when you get older, son, you'll find out that women are the biggest problem in a man's life. They're so stubborn and obstinate, yet at the same time, they're so changeable and confusing, it's impossible for you to figure them out.

[Harriet Nelson]

Well, gee whiz, dad. Why do men marry him?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Well, I'll take that up in a different talk. Right now, it's your mother's exaggerating. I'm going to work on.

[Harriet Nelson]

How, Pop?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Well, I don't know just yet. Say, David, I got it. Why didn't I think of this before? This is wonderful.

[Harriet Nelson]

What is it, Pop?

[Ozzie Nelson]

It's the old psychology. You see, all I have to do is start exaggerating things much worse than she ever dreamed of. When she sees how silly that sounds, she'll quit exaggerating things herself. Do you understand?

[Singer (King Sisters)]

Sure.

[Harriet Nelson]

Oh, boy, that sounds good.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Now, David, don't be surprised at anything I say at breakfast. I may say some very strange things, but I think this will cure your mother.

[Harriet Nelson]

Okay, Pop. Can I help you?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Well, thanks, David, but I can handle it myself. When I really make up my mind to change something about your mother, you know what happens.

[Harriet Nelson]

I sure do, Pop, but you might.

[Emmy Lou]

As well try anyway.

[Harriet Nelson]

How's breakfast, dear?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Oh, just fine.

[Harriet Nelson]

That's good.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Gee, I'm starved. I haven't had anything to eat for two weeks.

[Harriet Nelson]

What did you say, Pop?

[Ozzie Nelson]

I said I haven't had anything to.

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[Ozzie Nelson]

Eat for two weeks.

[Harriet Nelson]

Neither have I. What's the matter, dear?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Nothing. Listen to this, David. Oh, Harriet, did I ever tell you about that fellow in my lodge?

[Harriet Nelson]

What about him?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Well, do you know what he had for breakfast every morning? 135 eggs, sunny side up. Harriet, when I say that A fellow eats 135 eggs every morning, isn't there a certain bet you'd like to make?

[Harriet Nelson]

Of course. I'll bet you he likes eggs.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Well, there's something else I forgot to mention. This fellow that eats the 135 eggs for breakfast, he also finishes off 50 quarts of milk, 10 loaves of bread and six dozen wheat cakes and a pickle.

[Harriet Nelson]

Another slice of bread, dear.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Thank you. By the way, Harriet, I saw the strangest thing in the paper this morning. It's all about a boy with two heads.

[Harriet Nelson]

Oh, is that so? Another boy with two heads. There have been several cases like that lately.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Well, this one is very unusual because one of his heads is smarter than the other. And this boy is in 4B and 4A at the same time.

[Harriet Nelson]

That's right. Half of them is in my class. Little more milk, dear?

[Ozzie Nelson]

No, thanks. I don't feel like eating anymore. I wonder what happened to Gloria.

[Harriet Nelson]

Well, I don't know, dear, but if you finish breakfast, I'll call her. Oh, Gloria. Gloria.

[Gloria]

Did you call me, Mrs. Nelson?

[Harriet Nelson]

Yes, Gloria, I did. We Finished breakfast. I imagine you must be pretty tired after the party last night, huh?

[Gloria]

Oh, I don't mind. Just that one couple did keep me awake, though.

[Harriet Nelson]

Oh, who was that?

[Gloria]

Well, after everybody else went home, there was one silly couple out on the porch, and they were mooning and cooing and talking mushy talk, and I just couldn't fall asleep.

[Ozzie Nelson]

But, Gloria, you can't hear anything on the porch from your room.

[Gloria]

You can if you lean out the window.

[Harriet Nelson]

Was there much food left over, Gloria?

[Gloria]

Well, let me see. There were 21 sandwiches.

[Harriet Nelson]

Oh, 21 sandwiches left over. And did you put them away?

[Gloria]

Well, I put away 11, but I couldn't eat another five.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Well, thanks to you, Gloria, everything at the party went smoothly, with the possible exception of those cocktails you mixed. Boy, they were really something.

[Gloria]

Oh, that's a wonderful drink, Mr. Nelson. I invented it myself. I call it the Air Pressure Cocktail.

[Ozzie Nelson]

The Air Pressure Cocktail?

[Gloria]

One drink and you blow your top.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Oh, so that's what it was.

[Gloria]

My boyfriend, Elmer, really knows how to make strong drinks. He once mixed a drink and all he took was one sip and he ran up to the wall and drew a great big picture of an automobile on it.

[Harriet Nelson]

Isn't that ridiculous?

[Singer (King Sisters)]

Yeah.

[Harriet Nelson]

And then I took a sip.

[Gloria]

Jumped in and drove home. Well, I better take pile of dishes away. Oh, before I go, I knew there was something I wanted to tell you. You know that drain in the sink that we've had so much trouble with?

[Harriet Nelson]

Yes.

[Gloria]

Well, there was something left in some of the glasses, and I poured them into the sink. It's not clogged up anymore. I'll see you later.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Harriet, did you hear that story Gloria told about the drink and the automobile? Yes.

[Harriet Nelson]

I thought it was very funny.

[Ozzie Nelson]

You didn't think it was an exaggeration?

[Harriet Nelson]

Well, what do you mean, Ozzie?

[Ozzie Nelson]

I simply mean that you've become so accustomed to exaggerations, dear, that you don't even notice them anymore. Now, take that fantastic story I told you before about a guy eating 135 eggs, 10 loaves of bread, six dozen wheat cakes and 50 quarts of milk in one meal. It didn't even surprise you?

[Harriet Nelson]

Well, why should it surprise me? I've had your relatives over for dinner. Your Uncle Peter could eat that guy under the table and then eat the table right off of him. The last time your Uncle Peter had dinner here, you could reconstruct the skeleton of a cow from the bones in his plate.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Harriet, it so happens that my Uncle Peter hasn't even got any teeth.

[Harriet Nelson]

Then I Got news for you. He gummed us out of 40 red points.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Harriet, I'm merely trying to show you how foolish it is to exaggerate things. I know you don't mean any harm, but it's little things like the price of a dress, the age of a piece of antique furniture.

[Harriet Nelson]

Oh, my goodness.

[Ozzie Nelson]

What's the matter, dear?

[Harriet Nelson]

Gee, I almost forgot. The antique man's coming this morning.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Antique man? Harriet, you're not going to do the living room over again, are you? Well, but, Harriet, I had a hard time wearing those chairs down so they'd fit me. Why, it would be like selling a part of me, a very important part, to me.

[Harriet Nelson]

Well, I'm not sure I'm going to do it, honey. And even if I do, I'll be haggling for at least a month with the antique dealers. Maybe I change my mind. Excuse me, will you, dear?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Well, Harriet, I haven't finished.

[Harriet Nelson]

Oh, you don't mind eating alone, do you?

[Ozzie Nelson]

I mean, about the exaggerating.

[Harriet Nelson]

Oh, that. I promise never to do it again as long as I live.

[Ozzie Nelson]

There's an exaggeration right there. I'm going to cure her of that exaggerating if it's the last thing I do. And there's a distinct possibility it'll be the last thing I.

[Narrator]

The silver plate of 1847 Rogers Brothers is about ready to make a trip. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, America's finest silver plate is all set to go. From Meriden, Connecticut, to the silverware dealer to you. And let me tell you, it'll make the trip in style. 1847 Rogers Brothers Silver plate will leave Meriden groomed in perfect beauty, as lovely as artistic hands can make it. And I'll wager if you could be around when it arrives at your silverware dealers, you'd see that old expert's eyes light up with welcome. It's been a long time since he's seen silver plate with the exquisite, unmistakable craftsmanship of 1847 Rogers Brothers. A long time since he's been able to say to one of you, now here's silver plate with design features formerly found only in solid silver. Well, it's a long time since you've seen 1847 Rogers Brothers silver plate yourself. But it won't be much longer. 1847 Rogers Brothers Silver plate is coming your way soon. So keep an eye out for it. Give it a welcome home. It's America's finest silver plate. Your silver plate, created by famous 1847 Rogers brothers. And here are our lovely singing stars, the Four famous King sisters I don't.

[Singer (King Sisters)]

Care Un nobles is I'm in love with you I guess I'll always be this way Nothing you do or say can ever change me I'm for you Forever yours My whole life through that's how I am and I don't care who knows it I'm in love with.

[Ozzie Nelson]

You.

[Singer (King Sisters)]

I don't care who knows it Baby, I love just you I guess I'll always be this way Nothing you ever do I say can change me Guess you're stuck with me I for you Forever yours My whole life through that's how I am and I don't care who knows it Shouting from the steeple Killing all the people Darling, I love just you.

[Narrator]

Well, Ozzie seems to have quite a problem on his hands trying to figure out a way to cure Harriet of her tendency to exaggerate things. Right now he's out on the front lawn thinking things over and hunting for devilgrass when the bobby socks department from next door calls to him.

[Harriet Nelson]

Hello, Mr. Nelson.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Oh, hello there, Emmy Lou.

[Emmy Lou]

How are you doing with that devilgrass?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Oh, pretty good. I wish that was my only problem.

[Emmy Lou]

Oh, something serious?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Well, no, not really, but it's something that might eventually prove embarrassing.

[Emmy Lou]

Could I be of any help? I've got $9 saved up out of my allowance.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Oh, well, thanks very much, but. But that's not what I meant this time. You see, I've been trying to prove something to Mrs. Nelson. So far I've been completely unsuccessful.

[Harriet Nelson]

What's it about?

[Ozzie Nelson]

It's this business of exaggeration, Emmy Lou. Why do women exaggerate anyway?

[Emmy Lou]

Women don't exaggerate, Mr. Nelson.

[Ozzie Nelson]

They don't?

[Gloria]

No.

[Emmy Lou]

It's just that after they get done telling the truth, they keep on talking.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Yes, that does sound pretty reasonable. But I still don't understand.

[Emmy Lou]

Well, I'll try to explain it to you, Mr. Nelson. Suppose I'm introduced to some boy and he's really an absolute goon. Do you imagine for one moment that I'm going to tell my girlfriends that I met a goon? Of course not. I tell them that I met the most divine man, an utterly handsome, simply super dreamboat.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Oh, and then they think he's quite a guy, huh?

[Harriet Nelson]

Oh, no.

[Emmy Lou]

Then they know he's a goon, or I wouldn't have said all that.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Emmy Lou, you're going to make some man a fine wife. You're confusing already. Let's get back to my problem. How am I going to stop Mrs. Nelson from exaggerating?

[Emmy Lou]

Well, let Me See now. Oh, I have an idea. You could. No, that wouldn't work. See, how does this sound to you? You could. No, that wouldn't work.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Say, maybe I could.

[Emmy Lou]

No, that wouldn't work either. It really is a problem, Mr. Nelson.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Maybe I was on the right track before when I was exaggerating things to show her how silly it sounded.

[Emmy Lou]

That sounds like a good idea.

[Ozzie Nelson]

I know, but it didn't work. Maybe I wasn't exaggerating the right things. Maybe I should get something she cares more about.

[Emmy Lou]

Who's that man going into your house?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Oh, it's probably the antique dealer.

[Emmy Lou]

Are you getting new furniture?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Well, Mrs. Nelson thinks so. Wouldn't be new anyway. It'd just be different old furniture. She's going to sell a few things to him, I think. Oh, as I was saying, if there were only. Hey, wait a minute. That's it. Antiques. Now, that's something that Harriet's crazy about.

[Emmy Lou]

What are you gonna do, Mr. Nelson?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Boy, have I got an idea. When he tries to buy a piece of furniture, I'll put a figure on it. That's so ridiculous, he won't buy anything. That'll show Harriet where exaggeration can get you.

[Emmy Lou]

That's a wonderful idea, Mr. Nelson.

[Harriet Nelson]

Go ahead.

[Ozzie Nelson]

No, no, no. Not yet. First, I'll wait till he's in the house and looking over something he seems to like, and I'll come in with the surprises. By the time I get through, George Washington will have slept on every antique we have in the house, including the chandelier.

[Mr. Clark (Tax Assessor)]

Mrs. Nelson?

[Harriet Nelson]

Yes? Are you Mr. Johnson from the antique shop?

[Mr. Clark (Tax Assessor)]

Oh, no, no. My name is Clark. I'm from the County Tax assessor's office. Dropped in to get an estimate on your furniture so we can figure out your tax. Won't add it all this year. We're using Novocaine.

[Harriet Nelson]

You certainly seem happy at your work.

[Mr. Clark (Tax Assessor)]

Oh, I've been at it a long time. Know it like a book. Yes, ma'. Am. When I start a session, I ain't just a guessing.

[Harriet Nelson]

If it's got to be done, it's got to be done. Here's the living room. Go ahead and assess.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Okay.

[Mr. Clark (Tax Assessor)]

I'll start with this table here. Well, it's very nice. Looks moderately priced. I'd say $50.

[Harriet Nelson]

That's about right. Oh, hello, dear.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Oh, Harriet.

[Harriet Nelson]

Ozzy, this is Mr. Clark.

[Mr. Clark (Tax Assessor)]

How do you do? I was just looking this table over, Mr. Nelson. Your wife and I figure it's worth about $50.

[Ozzie Nelson]

$50? Are you kidding? This table is worth $5,750.

[Harriet Nelson]

Aussie.

[Mr. Clark (Tax Assessor)]

Is this on the level?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Absolutely.

[Mr. Clark (Tax Assessor)]

Take your word for it. But just looks like an ordinary table to me.

[Ozzie Nelson]

As a matter of fact, it was originally a footstool used by an old Scottish knight. Eight feet tall. Of course, the knights were longer in.

[Harriet Nelson]

Ozzy, dear, Mr. Clark is.

[Ozzie Nelson]

And I suppose you think this piano here is an ordinary piano?

[Mr. Clark (Tax Assessor)]

Well, it looks like a regular piano.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Well, sir, this is one of the most valuable antiques in all America. This happens to be the very piano that the finance company took back from Franz Schubert.

[Mr. Clark (Tax Assessor)]

Amazing. Are you sure of that?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Well, why do you think he never finished the Unfinished Symphony?

[Narrator]

Oh.

[Mr. Clark (Tax Assessor)]

Oh, say, I was wondering why he hadn't written anything lately.

[Harriet Nelson]

Ozzy, why don't you let Mr. Clark judge these things himself?

[Ozzie Nelson]

My wife is very modest about it, but practically everything in this room is a rare treasure.

[Harriet Nelson]

Oh, brother.

[Mr. Clark (Tax Assessor)]

Hey, I. I'd better mark some of these things down. Do you have a pencil?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Well, here, you can borrow my pen.

[Singer (King Sisters)]

Thanks.

[Mr. Clark (Tax Assessor)]

Now, what would you say that piano and bench were worth, Ms. Nelson?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Oh, really, Mr. Clark, it's hard to say. Let me see. I tell you what, just put down any large figure. You won't be more than a few hundred thousand off.

[Mr. Clark (Tax Assessor)]

Well, if you insist, I'll just whoop. Say, one thing I know ain't a rare antique is this pen you just handed me. Look, I got ink all over my hands. And besides, it's got the initial N on it.

[Ozzie Nelson]

For Nelson, Mr. Clark, n also stands for Napoleon. You know, it just so happens that was Napoleon's favorite pen.

[Mr. Clark (Tax Assessor)]

You mean he got ink on his fingers too?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Why do you think he kept his hand inside his coat all the time?

[Mr. Clark (Tax Assessor)]

My, my, my. Say, Mrs. Nelson, you know, you haven't entered the conversation.

[Harriet Nelson]

I'm a little sorry I entered. Entered the room.

[Ozzie Nelson]

She's very modest about all this.

[Mr. Clark (Tax Assessor)]

Well, so much for the antiques. Now, let's get down to the everyday stuff like. Well, this floor lamp here.

[Harriet Nelson]

Oh, well, that's just.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Mr. Clark, you have just succeeded not only in picking out one of the most valuable possessions in the house, you have picked out the most valuable.

[Mr. Clark (Tax Assessor)]

This floor lamp.

[Ozzie Nelson]

That's right. This floor lamp, as you so casually put it, was once used by Julius Caesar.

[Mr. Clark (Tax Assessor)]

Oh, now, wait a minute. Electricity wasn't even discovered then.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Now do you see why it's so valuable?

[Mr. Clark (Tax Assessor)]

Oh, sure, sure. Well, now, tell me, Mr. Nelson, about what would you say the contents of the house are worth? Conservative.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Oh, I'd say conservatively. 450 thousand dollars.

[Harriet Nelson]

I give up.

[Mr. Clark (Tax Assessor)]

Well, thank you very much, Ms. Nelson. You've been most cooperative.

[Ozzie Nelson]

It's been a pleasure, I'm sure, Mr. Clark.

[Mr. Clark (Tax Assessor)]

Ms. Nelson, before I go, may I say just one thing?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Go right ahead. Silly sort of a fellow, isn't he? But a nice chap.

[Harriet Nelson]

Ozzie Nelson, will you please explain those ridiculous stories you were telling that man the way you were exaggerating?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Oh, was I exaggerating?

[Harriet Nelson]

Well, you know you were. And it was very embarrassing to me.

[Gloria]

Ah.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Now you begin to understand how embarrassing it is to me when you exaggerate.

[Harriet Nelson]

Darling, I hate to take that big happy smile off your face, but do you know who that nice man was?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Well, certainly. The antique man.

[Harriet Nelson]

No, dear, that was the assessor for our personal property tax. And this year it's gonna be a honey.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Oh, no.

[Harriet Nelson]

Oh, yes.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Go on, tell me I deserve it. Tell me what you think of me. I'm a dope. I'm a moron. Isn't that what you want to tell me?

[Harriet Nelson]

Of course not, darling. You meant well. I think you're the smartest, the sweetest, the cleverest, the handsomest, the most wonderful husband in the whole wide world.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Well, at least I got you out of the habit of exaggerating.

[Narrator]

Ozzy and Harriet will be back in a moment.

[Ozzie Nelson]

But first.

[Mrs. Smith]

But first, Mr. Smith, I have a bone to pick with you. Do you know what I did yesterday? I went to my silverware dealer and asked for 1847 Rogers Brothers silver plate.

[Narrator]

And he didn't have it.

[Mrs. Smith]

He said if he could have sold 1847 Rogers Brothers silver plate to all the people who've been asking for it the last three years, he could have been retired by now.

[Narrator]

I'm sorry. Really sorry. But if you recall, all I've said is that 1847 Rogers Brothers silver plate will be back at your dealers soon. And that soon is getting closer every day.

[Mrs. Smith]

Well, perhaps it's a little my fault. I'm so anxious to get 1847 Rogers Brothers silver plate. I. I run every time I hear the name. And by the way, I saw a lovely 1847 Rogers Brothers pattern in a magazine the other day, and I've been.

[Harriet Nelson]

Trying to remember the name of it.

[Narrator]

Well, what's it like?

[Mrs. Smith]

Well, it has two flower ornaments. One right where the shaft joins the bowl and the other about halfway up.

[Narrator]

Oh, that sounds like adoration.

[Mrs. Smith]

That's it. Adoration.

[Narrator]

Did you notice how richly raised those ornaments were? That's a feature, exclusive with 1847 Rogers Brothers.

[Mrs. Smith]

That's the pattern for me. I won't take anything else no matter how long I have to wait.

[Narrator]

That's a sound resolution, madam. There's no silver plate more worth waiting for than 1847 Rogers Brothers. And now back to Ozzie and Harriet.

[Ozzie Nelson]

What's that paper you've got there, dear?

[Harriet Nelson]

It's a copy of our tax report. We owe exactly $152,740. And by the way, dear, from now on, you'd better wipe your shoes before you come into the house. Our living room alone is worth half a million.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Golly. Well, I better get down to the tailor shop tonight.

[Harriet Nelson]

The tailor shop? What for?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Well, from there you can dig the shortest tunnel under the bank on the corner.

[Harriet Nelson]

Well, I guess you suffered long enough. Honey, get that prison pallor out of your face. Our tax bill's very small because Mr. Clark got the correct figures and it's all straightened out.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Well, Harriet, that's wonderful. Marvelous. How did it happen?

[Harriet Nelson]

Well, all the time you were telling Mr. Clark those ridiculous things about our furniture.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Yeah?

[Harriet Nelson]

I was standing behind you making certain widely used motions with my finger and forehead to indicate that your mental development had been arrested rather prematurely. And then later I phoned him to make sure.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Well, that's swell, I guess, but. Well, just what did you tell him?

[Harriet Nelson]

Well, you understand, dear, we were in a tough spot.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Yes, yes, I know. What did you tell him?

[Harriet Nelson]

In an emergency like this, you have to think fast. You know, I had to say something.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Harriet, what did you tell the man?

[Harriet Nelson]

I told him you had a brain the size of a peanut.

[Ozzie Nelson]

There you go exaggerating again.

[Narrator]

International Silver Company, creators of 1847 Rogers Brothers Silver Plate, invite you to listen again next Sunday to the Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet with songs by the King Sisters and music by Ozzie Nelson's orchestra.

[Harriet Nelson]

And don't forget, America's finest silver plate is 1847 Rogers Brothers.

[Ozzie Nelson]

You're right, Harriet. America's finest silver plate is 1847 Rogers Brothers.

[Narrator]

This program originates in the Hollywood studios of the Columbia Broadcasting System and is also broadcast over the Trans Canada Network of the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. This adventure of Ozzie and Harriet will be transmitted to our men and women overseas by shortwave and through the worldwide facilities of the Armed Forces Radio Service. Appearing in support of Ozzie and Harriet were B. Benedara, John Brown, Joel Davis, Louise Erickson. Original music was composed by Billy May. This is Vern Smith speaking.

[Ozzie Nelson]

This is cbs, the Columbia Broadcasting RA.