Raymond Knight Cuckoo Program 1937-02-14 Income Taxes

Summary

Harold's Old Time Radio

Episode: Raymond Knight Cuckoo Program 1937-02-14 Income Taxes
Release Date: September 13, 2025

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Episode Overview

This episode from Harold’s Old Time Radio features the 1937 "Cuckoo Program" starring Raymond Knight, well-known for his quick wit and playful absurdity. The central theme of the show is the annual struggle with income taxes—a timely topic in February—delivered with tongue-in-cheek commentary, wacky wordplay, and sketch comedy. The episode highlights the comedic anxiety around tax season, pokes fun at government bureaucracy, and blends zany characters with satirical takes on everyday frustrations.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Opening Skit: The Trouble With Income Taxes

• [03:11] The show begins with Raymond Knight as himself, prepping for income tax season.

• Knight jokes about manipulating his tax return and working with a new lawyer—who is actually from the Internal Revenue Department.

  • Raymond Knight:
    "Boy, have I got it sewed up this year… The government will owe ME money!"
    [03:43]

• He delivers a rapid-fire bit about dependents—listing fake relatives like his “invalid uncle,” “twin sons,” and “married sister”—each played by his cohorts in slapstick fashion.

  • Banter on Dependents:
    "These are my twin sons, Mortimer and Murgatroyd."
    "I only see one."
    "Tell them, Papa. You die."
    [05:16]
  • He reveals the scam: only seeing one son, then calling him back in with a different hat to double his exemptions.

• Notable Quote

  • Raymond Knight:
    "If you were I, you'd pay an income tax. Wait till I get through with this one: the government will owe me money."
    [03:43]

The Big Reveal: The "Lawyer" is from Internal Revenue

• [07:23] The twist: the "lawyer" reveals he’s actually with the Internal Revenue Department.
• Knight feigns ignorance, tries to backpedal:
  • Raymond Knight:
    "The Internal Revenue? Must be something I ate. Well, I hope you enjoyed my little joke. I’m a worse kidder than Elmer here. Boy, am I funny."
    [07:34]

2. Comedy Interlude: Mystic Prediction

• [08:13] Introduction of "Danelle Bangi Koko,” a faux mystic, who pretends to read a crystal ball and predicts happier times ahead, cheekily referencing the popularity of prosperity-themed products and music.
  • Mystic:
    "I see in the latest crystal ball millions of people with something that will make them very happy… 17 million people. It is a magic ward. It is coming clearer. It is—phenomen."
    [08:27]

3. Recurring Bit: The Firing Squad

• [12:00] Ray Knight’s parody segment “the firing squad” nominates someone for a pretend “execution”—this week, the "wife who won't let her husband read."
• Staged Skit: Mr. and Mrs. Whatchamacallit bicker as he attempts to read the newspaper, using yacht analogies to poke fun at his wife’s new dress (full of double entendres).
  • Mrs. Whatchamacallit:
    "You hadn't said anything about my new dress."
    [13:45]
  • Knight (as Ernest):
    "184 feet from stem to stern."
    [14:34]
  • Ends with mock “firing squad”—audience equipped with paper pop guns joins in.

4. Musical Number: “It’s Delightful, It’s Delicious, It’s Delovely”

• [16:11] A mock “lovers’ chorus” delivers a playful take on the classic Cole Porter tune.
• The ensemble riffs on the mechanics of romantic songs with intentionally awkward rhymes and comedic asides.

5. One-Minute Play: "Pocahontas gives a scalp treatment (or the next-to-last of the Mohegans)"

• [19:40] The Super Trooper Stock Company condenses the Pocahontas legend—complete with nine rapid-fire acts—into a minute, highlighting absurd brevity and meta-commentary on historical dramatizations.
  • “Act one finds Pocahontas and her brother Minnetonka in the forest. Pocahontas is a nut brown maiden and Minnetonka is half nut.”
    [19:56]
  • The play rushes through courtship, wedding, family, and divorce all in seconds.
• Memorable Meta-Moment:
  • Ray Knight:
    "Ray Knight presents his weekly full length play, cut down to one minute."
    [19:40]
• Ends with references to contemporary musical themes and closing thanks.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Raymond Knight on Tax Tricks:
  "Boy, did I commit perjury in seven different languages."
  [04:12]

• Lawyer/Revenue Agent:
  "Now, first we have dependents. Wait till you see my dependents—they’ll kill you."
  [04:55]

• Elmer (on voter fraud):
  "I voted six times at the last election."
  [06:24]

  • Raymond Knight:
    "Don't brag. Sometime you might say that before the wrong person."
    [06:29]

• Ray Knight's signoff:
  "This is Ray Knight saying good night."
  [24:18]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 03:11 – Raymond Knight prepares his income tax with the “lawyer.”
• 05:06 – Comedic rundown of fake dependents.
• 07:23 – The “lawyer” reveals he’s from Internal Revenue.
• 08:13 – Mystic fortune-telling parody.
• 12:00 – “Firing squad” segment; skit about the wife who won’t let her husband read.
• 16:11 – Comedic musical interlude.
• 19:40 – "One minute play": Pocahontas parody.

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Overall Tone & Style

The episode is fast-paced, full of wordplay, puns, and self-referential skits. Knight and his cast blend slapstick, absurdist humor, and gentle social satire, all typical of 1930s radio vaudeville. The language is lighthearted, quick-witted, and often borders on the surreal, poking fun at both personal and institutional foibles.

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Summary

Raymond Knight’s "Cuckoo Program" takes the stress and absurdity of income taxes as its jumping-off point, using it to launch into a barrage of comic sketches, character bits, and musical parodies. Through exaggerated tax-dodging schemes and ludicrous bureaucratic run-arounds, the show delivers laughter and levity wrapped in the charm of vintage radio comedy.

This episode is a showcase of Knight’s inventive banter and musical interludes, making even the dreaded tax season a source of nostalgia and fun for Golden Age radio fans.

Transcript

[A]

Lowes knows how to help make your.

[B]

Home holiday ready for less. Get select Style Selections vinyl flooring for just $1.99 per square foot and have it installed before the festivities begin. Our team can help you every step of the way. See a Lowe's red vest associate or visit lowe's.comholidayinstall to get started. Lowe's we help you save basic Install only. Date restrictions apply. Subject to availability. Installed by independent contractor. See associate for details. Contiguous US only. 6 o' clock Sunday at the New Amsterdam Roof Theatre in Times Square and Fineman broadcasting coast to coast. And they're proud to play host to about 700 of our druggist friends. The audience waits for the music of Arnold Johnson and the cuckoo comedy of Raymond Knight. On stage, Arnold awaits the word. And there goes the curtain. Take it away, Arnold.

[A]

Sam, in spite of the worry and money, we bring a little Dibel. A lot of things, but outside of that, I know you.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

It's the root of all evil. I'm sick.

[B]

Mommy.

[A]

And you. Sabbath for your bewildered eyes and ears.

[B]

The one and only cuckoo Raymond Knight. Hello, Joe. Hello, Arnold. Hello, everyone. I'm sorry I can't stay long. Oh, why, what are you doing, Ray? Have to make out my income tax. Oh, that's too bad. It is for the government. Boy, have I got it sewed up this year. Wait a minute. Listen, Joe, I'll. I'll be right back. I've got a new lawyer coming, see, to help me make out my tax. I haven't met him yet, but they tell me he's a good lawyer. Ask him to wait for me. Will you be well, man? Excuse me. It's rain night around here. Oh, yes, yes. He's expecting you. He'll be right back. Thanks. I'm from the Internal Revenue Department. I want to see him about his last year's tax report. Internal Revenue? Oh, I see. I bet. Oh, I see. You've come over about my tax, eh? That's right. My name is. I'm glad to meet you. Very glad to meet you. Boy, are we gonna rook the government. Great, great, great. Okay, Joe. I've got it all worked out, Joe. Well, shall we start the dirty work? Great. If I were you, I would. If you were I, you'd pay an income tax. Wait till I get through with this one. The government will owe me money. Listen, would you like to hear what I did with my 1934 report? I'd be very much interested. Boy, did I commit perjury in seven different languages. Well, goodbye, Ray, it's nice to have known you. Yeah. Well, I see you, Joe. Atlanta, probably. Atlanta. Always kidding. He knows I never go south. Well, now, I suppose you know how these things are juggled. No, but I hope to find out. Well, I'll teach you. But remember, after you see what I did with my 34 tack, I expect you to do something unusual for me on my 1936 report. Don't worry, I will. That's fine. Now, first we have dependents. Wait till you see my dependents. They'll kill you. The hittable.

[A]

Did you call me miss tonight?

[B]

Exhibit one. This is my wife. Oh, so you're married, eh? Only on my income tax. She's the landlady's daughter. I give her 75 cents a year to be my wife in the report. Well, I think you got a quarter change coming to you. Wait. Wait till you see the next one. Oh, Mortimer. Come here, Mortimer. Oh, boy, some fun. The strangers in the house. These are my twin sons, Mortimer and Murgatroyd. Twin sons? Yep. I only see one. Tell them, Papa. You die. You know, really, it's terrific when the internal Revenue man comes, I call Mortimer and he comes in. Then he goes out and I call Murgatroyd, and Mortimer comes back with a different hat on. I see. That gives you two more dependents. Yes, we're both tomboys. Now, wait a minute. Here's my cousin Elmer. Elmer is a great big help. Hi, adult. I mean, folks. Hey, what does Elmer do? Oh, Elmer's an amateur actor. He's very helpful. Now, first, get this. He's my invalid uncle. You should see me in my wheelchair with a nurse. And nurse to you. And then next, he's my grandfather. I want to go to sleep. Grandson, come and put my whiskers under the bed clothes. Isn't that terrific? And look, here's my married sister, Ophelia. But she goes in on her husband's report. I know, but she works for me, too. When the inspector comes, she goes in the next room and listen to what she does. Next gen. You see, I put her down as a baby, and that gives me six dependents. You get it? I get it. You want to hear any more? Do I? I'm all ears. Yeah, I'll say you are. Do you go through doors sideways? Oh, yeah. You know, that's Elmer, always kidding. You should hear him fool the Internal Revenue man. Does he do anything else? I voted six times with the last election. Uh. Oh, wait a minute, Alma. Don't brag. Sometime you might say that before the wrong Person. I think you put your finger on something, Mr. Knight. Well, I'll take it off. You know who I am?

[A]

Sure.

[B]

You're my new lawyer. No, no. Here's my card. I'm from the internal Revenue Department. The Internal Revenue? Must be something I ate. Well, I hope you enjoyed my little joke. I'm a worse kid of an Elmer here. Boy, am I funny. Ye. Well, I suppose you want to get that information on the $15,000 income I reported in 1934. 1934. Now, I'm here about the 1935. 35? Well, the joke's on you then. I made 20,035, but you can't touch me. Why not? Because I didn't file a report.

[A]

What? Come on. Wait a minute.

[B]

A Draco.

[A]

Lad.

[B]

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing one of the world's greatest mystics from far off India, Danielle Bangi Koko, who hears all and sees all and knows all. I see in the latest crystal ball millions of people with something that will make them very happy, much better in 1937. Something which will make them feel like $1 million. How many million people do you see in the crystal ball, Ben Ali? 17 million people. Well, what is it that will make them feel so much happier and better? Ah, it is a magic ward. It is coming clearer. It is phenomen. My sincere congratulations to my old friend Irving Garland for again turning out a masterful back to the songs in his new picture on the Avenue. From this beautiful score we play, I've got my love to keep me warm. And now we give you the greatest boon to humanity since Newton discovered the law of gravitation by finding out that a falling apple would make apple star. We give you Ray Knight, firing squad. Thanks, Joe. My friends, the firing squad was designed to do away with pets. People who annoy us, people who get in our hair. Listen, Ray, if you're going to keep touching your head every time you say that, you better get a toupee. Thank you, Joe. As I was saying, send in your nominations and we'll put these tests on the spot. Tonight's candidate was suggested by Mr. John F. Auster of Cleveland, Ohio. Mr. Rosser writes. Dear Ray, I nominate for the firing squad the wife who won't let her husband read. I'll show you just what he means. Firing squad. 10 third. 10. Firing squad. Oh, one, two. Sounds like a centipede with a wooden leg. Incidentally, ladies and gentlemen, we have 1500 people in our firing squad. As everybody in the audience here at the theater has a paper pop gun. They're Going to shoot. So get ready to assist in the execution, my friends. Joe Bolton will now set the stage. Thank you. The scene is the living room of the Ernest J. Watchamacault. Dinner is over and Ernest is just settling down for a session with the evening news. Mr. Watchema Collet is played by Ray Knight. Mrs. Watchmaket is played by special dispensation Curt. Sir. Now for a nice evening at home.

[A]

Wouldn't you like a nice evening at home, Ernest?

[B]

That's just what I said.

[A]

No, I just said it.

[B]

Okay, let me go with that.

[A]

Except this.

[B]

Never mind.

[A]

What are you doing? Reading the papers?

[B]

No, darling. I'm watching a man turn flapjacks in a restaurant window.

[A]

I can still.

[B]

Am I?

[A]

Yes. The nearest lesson is five blocks away.

[B]

Wrong again. Say, this new cup defender is some yacht.

[A]

I think you're mean. You hadn't said anything about my new dress.

[B]

Boy, look at those lines.

[A]

Oh, you did notice it.

[B]

That's a pretty big boom, though.

[A]

What?

[B]

It's a little too wide a midship.

[A]

I think. You're horrible.

[B]

It probably handles well in the window.

[A]

Ernest, are you looking at my dress?

[B]

Yeah. Yes, of course. You're very nice. I like the wheelhouse especially.

[A]

I'm glad you like it. Of course, the back is cut a little low.

[B]

There's an awful lot exposed on deck.

[A]

Do you think it needs something around.

[B]

Her throat that can be taken care of with a little rope?

[A]

What? Ernest, tell me honestly, how tall does this dress make me look?

[B]

184Ft from stem to stern.

[A]

Ernest whatchamacallit.

[B]

Yes, dear?

[A]

If you're going to read the paper, then I can too.

[B]

Hey, give that paper back to me.

[A]

I won't. You're very rude.

[B]

That's my paper.

[A]

You read the part. You have the part.

[B]

I. Whereupon, kiddies, little Peter Skunk ran home lickety split.

[A]

Oh, Ernest, listen to this report.

[B]

No, sweetheart. You listen to this report. Ready, aim, fire.

[A]

Sam.

[B]

Well, here once again we have the eight lovely girls. It's pretty nice to have you back again, girls. And what are you going to tell us now?

[A]

It's Deluvele Arnold.

[B]

You're right. Unless my eyes are fooling me. You girls surely aren't the lovers.

[A]

We feel a thundercand of ditty that invokes the spring so control your desire to curse While we crucify the birds this song we started sings to me the tin panic of melody so to spare you all the pain we'll skip the darn thing and sing the refrain sun, night is gone in Skies are dear. And if you want to go walking, dear. It's delightful, it's delicious, it's Deloitte. Understand the reason why you're sentimental cuz so am I. It's delightful, it's delicious, it belongs here. Tell that event. What a well night is it for romance. Used to be dear Marc in nature murmuring mo the heads of gold. Deep between my dignity and when I kiss you, just say to me it's my only relationship intellectual in lovely. That's what she said. It could have been worse. Hey, maybe we should have sang the verse. That verse first course was easily done. Let's take a chance on another one. The night is young, the skies are clear. And if you want to go walking, dear. It's so delightful, so, so delicious. You're lovely, you're lovely. I understand the reason why. Jo, send a metaphor. So I want it's life. Oh, it's delicious, it's lonely. You can tell an advance that it does well. Night for romance. You know the nature murmuring. No, just relax. And it's Sam.

[B]

And now Ray Knight presents his weekly full length play, Cut down to one minute. What play are you doing tonight, Ray? We're doing an old Indian legend entitled Pocahontas gives a scalp treatment or the next to the last of the Mohegans. You know, that's a pretty long title for a one minute drama, Ray. Oh, we cut the title too. Oh, what do you call it? A red skin you love to touch. Oh, well, that's too long. A red skin you love to touch, that's much too long. The Ray Night Super Trooper Stock company presents a condensed version in nine acts of Redskin. Just call it perfect. All right. Act one finds Pocahontas and her brother Minnetonka in the forest. Pocahontas is a nut brown maiden and Minnetonka is half nut. Curtain.

[A]

See anything coming, Minnie?

[B]

Nope, not a spinning pokey at the end of Act 1. You see, they don't see anything through the whole act anyway because they've got their eyes closed. Act two, another part of the forest. Enter Captain John Smith. Don't be silly. Don't knock. Go right in. Gracious, how warm it is in the forest. How hot I am becoming from over exertion. That feet is too long. Cut. Hey, you. That gets the idea. I am alone in the poorest primeval mine from civilization. Hey, will you leave. Leave those sound effects alone, will you? Go ahead, Jack.

[A]

I wonder what time it is.

[B]

I will make a little calculation at the sun and Determine the hour. No, no, you haven't got time to do that. Cut.

[A]

Ah, six o'. Clock.

[B]

Time to eat. Now I shall dress for dinner. These English, you don't dress for dinner in the forest. You undress. Very well, old chap.

[A]

Here goes. First my coat, then my vet, then my monkey.

[B]

Hey, Pokey, why don't you knock before you come in? Then you'll protect her modestly. All right. As long as you're in here, we'll save time. Act three.

[A]

Who are you, white man?

[B]

I am Captain John Smith, ambassador of her Majesty the Queen. Who are you?

[A]

I am Pocahontas, Princess of the Honky Tonk Indians.

[B]

Uh oh. Both speeches are too long. Do that again. And cut. Hi, Pokey.

[A]

Hiya, Jeff.

[B]

Great. Act four. John Smith is captured by Pokey's father, Chief Laughing Water. Hey, hey, hey. Laughing Water. Cut that. That's enough. Rack four. Rack five. John Smith is at the safe.

[A]

I say, old thing, pass the wish.

[B]

To sauce, wouldn't you? No, not that kind of a safe. All right. Start to burn him at the safe. How will you have them? Well done.

[A]

No, no, no. You shall not burn him. Papa, I asked a boom. I asked it. Mike.

[B]

Oh. Cut.

[A]

Papa Jimmy.

[B]

Better. All right, Chief. Say yes in Indian, huh? Cut. Hey, Ray, time's almost up. 10 seconds left. Hurry up. Four more racks in 10 seconds. Act six, the courtship. Going to a twin shoe two.

[A]

Okay, Jack.

[B]

Great. Act seven, the wedding. Don. I do. Okay, I do. Act eight, the family. Act nine, the divorce. 50 bucks a week. Alimony. The end. Play, Arnold. We made it. Sure. I'm an architecture. It's the custom to borrow from the old masters for our inspiration. And I think there's every reason why we should go back to past masters for our musical themes. I've always felt that way, Joe. It's the most natural thing in the world for a musician to look through the great musicians of the past with a day's inspiration and to interpret their themes in modern tempo. So tonight we are going to present one of the masterpieces of their immortal Russian, Lemsky Korsakoff. His hint of the sun in fame. See you next week. Everybody, this is Ray Night saying good night.

[A]

Sam with plenty of money and you in spite of the world. Filthy Looper buys a lot of things.

[B]

I.

[A]

Might have been. I'm a year older in the root of all evil A frighten of evil But I couldn't Honey, that life would be stunning with plenty of money and you.

[B]

Joseph Arbols. And speaking it's the lovely and riding high heard on this program were from Red Hot and Blue. This program originated in the WO Mutual Radio Playhouse atop the New Amsterdam Roof Theater in New York.