Rays A Laugh 1949-12-06 The Forgotten Man - Tailcut

Summary

Summary: "Rays A Laugh 1949-12-06 The Forgotten Man – Tailcut"

Podcast: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode Date: November 7, 2025 (original airdate December 6, 1949)
Featured Show: "Rays A Laugh"
Cast: Ted Ray, Kitty (Ted's wife), Tommy Rumble, Stanley Black's Orchestra

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Episode Overview

This episode of "Rays A Laugh" delivers a comedic slice of 1940s British domestic life, starring Ted Ray and his wife, Kitty. The radio comedy blends zany one-liners, playful marital banter, musical interludes, and slapstick misunderstandings, all emblematic of post-war radio entertainment. The main theme is marital trust—and the comic pitfalls of suspicion—woven through sketches and lively dialogue.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Musical Families and Orchestra Jokes

(01:07 – 03:11)

• Ted Ray launches into the show with jokes about "forgotten men," referring to Stanley Black's orchestra. He shares gags about the bass player and pokes fun at musicians’ quirks.
• Quote:

  "The most conscientious man of the lot is the bass player. There he is. How he loves that bass. Well, it's his home. He lives in the back, you know." — Ted Ray (01:19)

• More musician humor as Ted describes his father playing violin with a hair from his own head, culminating in a wry line about "playing his own hair on a G string."

2. Photographer Skit and Double Entendres

(02:02 – 03:11)

• Ted’s passport photo experience spirals into classic British wordplay about marble stools and hot water bottles.
• Quote:

  "When you're going to Dublin nowadays, they don't photograph your face, they take a profile of your stomach." — Ted Ray (02:23)

3. Domestic Song & Interlude

(03:34 – 05:32)

• The ensemble sings "In the Good Old Summertime," adding nostalgic charm and further rooting the show in its era.

4. The Marital Comedy of Errors

(05:32 – 13:58)

• Central plot: Ted comes home late, triggering Kitty’s suspicions. A barrage of banter ensues, touching on dinner plans, ruined meals, trust, and playful accusations. Ted and Kitty spar about each other's trustworthiness, age, and appeal to others.
• Memorable exchanges:
  • Kitty:

    "You can't go. I've done the housework, made the beds, stood in queues, argued with tradesmen, and now you tell me you can't go to the pictures." (06:27)

  • Ted:

    "I suppose you think we have orgies at the office, eh? Paper caps and cups of cocoa. Chase me around the waste paper basket and hunt the paperclip? No." (06:40)

• Light-hearted jealousies flare over Ted’s new secretary, with Kitty refusing to leave and plotting to keep a close eye on him.

5. Neighbourly Mischief and Social Satire

(07:07 – 08:07)

• The couple jokes about nosy neighbors, stolen wash leathers, and the small-town antics of their friend Mrs. Higgins.
• Quote:

  "I love Mrs. Higgins. I could sit and thumb my nose at her all day." — Ted Ray (08:07)

6. Escalation of the Secretary Mix-up

(09:18 – 14:51)

• Kitty refuses to leave as Ted’s "secretary," Frances, is due. The farce builds: Kitty dresses up, ready to wage "war" on this supposed femme fatale—only to discover Frances is a man!
• Quotable twist:

  "Meet my new secretary there, Mr. Francis Clark, the fastest male typist in the business. How are ya?" — Ted Ray (14:39)

• The mistaken-identity gag draws the comedy to a close, poking fun at expectations and marital jealousy.

7. Notable One-Liners & Marital Jabs

• "Your mother? The Gestapo in bloomers." — Ted Ray (06:54)
• "The early bloom may have gone, but the fruit is still ripe." — Kitty (09:29)
• "Now, Kitty, you're jumping to conclusions." — Ted Ray (11:48)
• "I bet you've even noticed her legs, too." — Kitty (12:03)
• "Yes, yes, I have. Two legs. Yes, two legs." — Ted Ray (12:05)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |-----------|---------|-------| | 01:19 | Ted Ray | "The most conscientious man of the lot is the bass player. There he is. How he loves that bass. Well, it's his home. He lives in the back, you know." | | 06:40 | Ted Ray | "I suppose you think we have orgies at the office, eh? Paper caps and cups of cocoa. Chase me around the waste paper basket and hunt the paperclip? No." | | 09:29 | Kitty | "The early bloom may have gone, but the fruit is still ripe." | | 12:05 | Ted Ray | "Yes, yes, I have. Two legs." | | 14:39 | Ted Ray | "Meet my new secretary there, Mr. Francis Clark, the fastest male typist in the business. How are ya?" |

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [01:07] – Ted Ray’s opening monologue and orchestra jokes
• [03:34] – "In the Good Old Summertime" musical number
• [05:32] – Introduction of the episode’s domestic plot: Ted home late, argument begins
• [09:40] – The "new secretary" subplot develops
• [14:39] – The big reveal: Frances is a man

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Tone and Style

The humor is warm, quick-witted, playfully sardonic, and filled with jokes that gently lampoon domestic life. Ted Ray and Kitty's bickering is filled with affection, British understatement, and clever reversals, capturing the comedic essence of postwar radio.

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Concluding Notes

For listeners who love classic domestic comedy and sharp, affectionate banter, this "Rays A Laugh" episode is a brilliant period piece. The musical numbers, social commentary, and plot twist about the secretary sustain both energy and amusement throughout, making it a timeless example of British radio fun.

Transcript

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[Singer/Narrator]

Raise a laugh Raise a laugh when you're feeling sad or blue Just raise a laugh and soon you'll find you're losing that bound A smile will spread all over the town don't give in try and play Go be like a passport photograph Come on and meet Ted Rain he'll chase your troubles away and.

[Ted Ray]

Raise a laugh Ted Rain Tonight, folks, tonight I'd just like to say a few words about the forgotten men. Stanley Black's orchestra. Yes, there are a grand bunch of musicians. And just before the show started, they were all in a small back room rehearsing. Rehearsing. The way they played was amazing. The drummer went nap on an ace in four deuces. The most conscientious man of the lot is the bass player. There he is. How he loves that bass. Well, it's his home. He lives in the back, you know. You know, I saw him once with a double bass across his knees, playing it like a zither.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

I said, hey.

[Ted Ray]

I said, hey, Charlie, that's not the proper position to play the double bass.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

He said, I know that, but when I put it under my chin, the spice sticks in me ear.

[Ted Ray]

I come from a musical family, of course. My father, what a fiddler. He could play the violin, too. One day he gave an organ recital in the Wiggins Slaughterhouse. He was selling offal to the butchers. She looks as though his greatest triumph was on the violin. He was giving a concert when suddenly his bow broke in half, right in the middle of his arpeggio. Was he worried? No, he just plucked a long hair from his head and played on with that. That's how my dad became the first man to play his own hair on a G string. I'm thinking of going over to Ireland again soon. I went to the photographer for my passport. Funny thing, when you're going to Dublin nowadays, they don't photograph your face, they take a profile of your stomach. These photographers are doing pretty well these days, you know, instead of the usual, this chap had lovely marble stools. Well, just before I came out he went round and put a hot water bottle on each stool. So I said, what's the idea? You've got all those nice marble stools, and yet you're putting hot water bottles on each one.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

He said, well, I'm just taking the.

[Ted Ray]

Chill off, old man. They've got half a dozen girls coming in from the windmill. You had me worried for a minute there. Oh, well, no. Nudes is good nudes. See you later, folks. Thank you.

[Singer/Narrator]

In the good old summertime. In the good old summertime. Strolling through the shady lanes with your baby M. You hold her hand and she holds yours. And that's a very good sign that she sure tootsie would see. In the good old summertime. There's a time in each year that we always hold dear. Good old summertime.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

The birds and the trees and sweet scented breezes.

[Singer/Narrator]

Good old summertime. When your day's work is over Then you are in clover. And life is one beautiful ride. No trouble annoying Each one is enjoying the good old summertime. In the good old summertime. In the good old summertime. Strolling down the lane without a sign of rain. Upon a sunny afternoon. Monday and June are waiting for the sun to sink behind the hill. So we can spoon beneath the moon. You hold her hand and she holds yours. And that's a very good time. That she's your one and only. And you won't be lonely with your tootsie wootsy woo. In the good old summertime. Yes, she's your tootsie wootsy. In the good old summer time.

[Ted Ray]

Thank you. Thank you, boys and bells. Next week, the boys and girls will sing a little song entitled, A Flea Got Loose in the Harem. And that's why the favorite was scratched. We're all strange creatures, really. You know, we all like to create a good impression. A man just to impress his boss will take a bit of work home from the office. While his boss takes a bit of homework out from the office. I had a lot of work the other evening, and I must confess, I was a little late getting home. Oh, hello, darling. I'm sorry I've kept you waiting. I've been working late.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Working late, huh? Let me smell your breath.

[Ted Ray]

Kitty, please. You don't mean to say you don't believe me?

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Well, I believe you, darling, but we were going to the pictures tonight.

[Ted Ray]

Oh, yes, I know, dear.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Well, I made your favorite dinner, and it's ruined. But never mind. Eat what you can, and we'll just be in time for the big film.

[Ted Ray]

Kitty, darling, I. I Can't go tonight.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

You can't go. I've done the housework, made the beds, stood in queues, argued with tradesmen, and now you tell me you can't go to the pictures.

[Ted Ray]

But, darling, it isn't my fault.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

My mother was right. All men are selfish.

[Ted Ray]

Selfish, selfish. I like that. I suppose you think we have orgies at the office, eh? Paper caps and cups of cocoa. Chase me around the waste paper basket and hunt the paperclip? No.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

You and your stuffy old office. My mother was right.

[Ted Ray]

Your mother? The Gestapo in bloomers.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Why can't you go? You're home now.

[Ted Ray]

I know I'm home. I know I'm home.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Go ahead, let the neighbors know.

[Ted Ray]

Not a bad idea. I will. Neighbors, we're having a row. Sarah Higgins, I can see you behind that curtain. There. Again, the female Molotov.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Ted, will you please come inside?

[Ted Ray]

That'll keep him busy for a week.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Ted. Ray, will you ever grow up?

[Ted Ray]

Did you see her face?

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

No, but I'd like to have seen her face this afternoon.

[Singer/Narrator]

Why?

[Ted Ray]

Had she washed it?

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

No, dear. You see, she was cleaning the windows and she went in for a minute. So while she was away, I went and took the wash leather. You know, the one she borrowed off of six months ago.

[Ted Ray]

Oh, you didn't.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Oh, yes, I did.

[Ted Ray]

And then she spent the rest of the afternoon looking for it.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Well, I hope so.

[Ted Ray]

Oh, it's lovely. You mean you got our wash leather back? Mrs. Higgins doesn't know. You're not going to tell her? I'm going to ask Sammy Higgins for it on Saturday, and they'll have to buy us another one.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

That's right.

[Ted Ray]

That's a clever girl.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Well, thank you. There.

[Ted Ray]

Ah, I'm in a good mood again. I love Mrs. Higgins. I could sit and thumb my nose at her all day.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Ted, darling, you know I am very disappointed about the pictures.

[Ted Ray]

Oh, yes, so am I, dear. But never mind. Look, you go on your own. I've got some accounts to do.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

You mean to say you don't mind me going to the pictures all on my own?

[Ted Ray]

Of course not, darling. I love you, I love you, I love you. Come on, give me the kiss.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Now stop it, Ted. Now stop it.

[Ted Ray]

Come on, give it a kiss.

[Tommy Rumble]

No, no.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

The big picture will be on soon and I want to see Humphrey Bogart.

[Ted Ray]

Oh, Bogart can't kiss compare with me like a boy scout. Give us a kiss. Okay.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Give me a cow, darling, please. Well, all right. There.

[Ted Ray]

Ma, Ma, Ma, Ma, Ma, Ma, Ma.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Will you stop being silly?

[Ted Ray]

Oh, I'M bleeding.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

No, that's lipstick.

[Ted Ray]

Oh, good.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Oh, well, I'd better go now, Ted, are you sure you don't mind me going alone, darling?

[Ted Ray]

Of course not, darling. Why should I mind? I trust you.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

But suppose I went into the pictures and a man sat next to me?

[Ted Ray]

That's all right, dear. When the lights went up, he'd move.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Why should he want to move?

[Ted Ray]

Well, darling, you're not 17 anymore, you know.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

What?

[Ted Ray]

After all, you know, you can't help it. The early bloom has gone.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

The early bloom may have gone, but the fruit is still ripe.

[Ted Ray]

It's very good. That's very good, dear. Very good. Yes. Well, now off you go, darling, and I'll do my counts, eh?

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

You listen to me, Ted. Ray, I could get off with lots of men. Mm.

[Ted Ray]

Well, why don't you, dear, eh? Here we are.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Early bloom Indeed.

[Ted Ray]

The number one account. McIntyre versus McIntyre.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Not 17 again.

[Ted Ray]

Whereas the party of the first part.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

A party, tried to get off with me last week.

[Ted Ray]

That was kind of him, dear. Now, where are we? Oh, yes, the franchise is granted.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Pardon?

[Ted Ray]

Granted.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

He was. He was sort of walking behind me. And do you know what he said.

[Ted Ray]

I looked like 24 square yards.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

You know, you were just not listening. You're very lucky to have an understanding wife like me. You could have married someone else.

[Ted Ray]

I know, dear. Betty Hutton.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Betty Hutton. You wouldn't last five minutes with Betty Hutton.

[Ted Ray]

I know, dear, but think of those five minutes.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

So now you regret marrying me.

[Ted Ray]

I do not, Kitty. Now, who started this?

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

I did, because I trusted you so.

[Ted Ray]

Well, that's very nice of you, dear. Now run along, please.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

And remember, I didn't accept you the first time you proposed.

[Ted Ray]

I know you weren't there. Now on along to you, keeping Humphrey Bogart waiting.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Tell. Are you trying to get rid of me?

[Ted Ray]

No, of course I'm not. I just want you to go to the pictures just to show I trust you.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Oh, well, thank you, dear. I trust you too.

[Ted Ray]

Thank you, dear.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Trust is a wonderful thing, Ted. You know, we trust each other like. Well, like Truman and Stalin. Well, bye bye, darling.

[Ted Ray]

Bye bye, darling. Have a good time. McIntyre versus. Oh, Kitty.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Yes, Ted?

[Ted Ray]

Before you go, darling, where's the sherry?

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Sherry? Don't tell me you're going to sit home drinking sherry.

[Ted Ray]

Oh, no, of course not now. But you see, my new secretary, Francis, is coming round to help me.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Oh, so that's why you wanted to get rid of me.

[Ted Ray]

Now wait a minute, Kitty. This is strictly business.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Why, you Bluebeard. I get it. You get me to Go to the picture so that you can be alone with your secretary.

[Ted Ray]

Now, Kitty, don't go off like that.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

I'm not going off like anything. I'm staying here. To think that I trusted you.

[Ted Ray]

Kitty, you're jumping to conclusions.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Oh, am I? Well, I'll just wait till this hussy arrives. I'll bet she's a redhead.

[Ted Ray]

No, no, as a matter of fact, Frances has fair hair.

[Singer/Narrator]

Really?

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

When she gets here, I'll pull it out by its dark roots. I bet you've even noticed her legs, too.

[Ted Ray]

Yes, yes, I have. Two legs. Yes, two legs. Where do you think she comes from.

[Singer/Narrator]

The Isle of Man?

[Ted Ray]

I'm very accomplished, dear. Very, very accomplished types. With both hands.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Yes, well, just don't bother to arrange the cushions on the settee because that's where I'll be sitting.

[Ted Ray]

Now, look, Kitty, you're too late.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

You've just been found out.

[Ted Ray]

Oh, please, go to the pictures, dear. Lose yourself with Humphrey.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Pictures? I'm going upstairs.

[Ted Ray]

Women. Women. My dad was right. Oh, yes, he was. What did he say? Oh, woman, the enigma. When you understand the woman. When. Oh, dad knew what he was talking about.

[Tommy Rumble]

Hello, Teddy boy. Been having a row, eh?

[Ted Ray]

Another one like that Nelson, I'll knock you right back amongst your pigeons.

[Tommy Rumble]

Kitty looks upset. She called you Bluebeard. I was at the keyhole.

[Ted Ray]

I can see that. You've still got the key in your ear.

[Tommy Rumble]

When are you going to open a sherry?

[Ted Ray]

Now listen, Rumble. Tommy, don't you ever think about anything but your stomach?

[Tommy Rumble]

Why should I? It's my best friend. Doctor said I must take care of it.

[Ted Ray]

Take care of it? You couldn't miss it. And another thing, go and get a haircut.

[Tommy Rumble]

I had a cut the other week.

[Ted Ray]

Go to the hairdresser.

[Tommy Rumble]

But Daddy.

[Ted Ray]

Harper, Nelson barber. Oh, all right, keep your hair on. Good luck, Nelson. Good luck. What a life. What with Nelson and a jealous wife. Now then, McIntyre. Oh, I'm tired of McIntyre. Kitty.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Well, you look wonderful, dear.

[Ted Ray]

Evening dress, jewelry. Why, you've even got those false eyelashes on that you flapp at the butcher.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

You didn't know you had a pretty wife, did you?

[Ted Ray]

But what's it all for, dear?

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Your secretary? This is war, darling, war. She sits on that end of the sepi and I sit on the other side and we'll soon see what's what.

[Ted Ray]

All right, darling, all right. Sit down and make yourself comfortable.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Well, aren't you just a little bit worried?

[Singer/Narrator]

Worried?

[Ted Ray]

Why should I be worried?

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Well, if I was in your shoes, I would be.

[Ted Ray]

I know, dear. I take eight and you take five.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Well, go on. There she is. Now answer the door.

[Ted Ray]

All in good time, dear, all in good time. Now, first let me straighten my tie. Now, darling, how do I look? Revolting. Good evening, Mr. Ray. Sorry I'm late.

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Ted?

[Ted Ray]

Yes, dear?

[Kitty (Ted's Wife)]

Would you mind explaining what this is all about?

[Ted Ray]

Not at all. Meet my new secretary there, Mr. Francis Clark, the fastest male typist in the business. How are ya?

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[Singer/Narrator]

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[Ted Ray]

Limu is that guy with the binoculars watching us.

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Cut the camera.

[Singer/Narrator]

They see us.

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[Ted Ray]

Liberty Liberty. Liberty. Liberty Savings.

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