Red Skelton Show 41-10-05 (001) Rehearsal for October 7, 1941

Summary

Harold's Old Time Radio: Red Skelton Show 41-10-05 (001) Rehearsal for October 7, 1941

Release Date: January 8, 2025
Host/Author: Harold's Old Time Radio
Description: Relive the Golden Age of Radio with classic shows like The Shadow, Abbott & Costello, Amos & Andy, Dragnet, and more. This episode features a rehearsal of the Red Skelton Show, offering a nostalgic glimpse into pre-television entertainment.

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Opening Banter: Red Skelton and Truman Bradley

The episode kicks off with Red Skelton engaging in playful banter with host Truman Bradley. Skelton humorously downplays his comedic skills, stating, “I don’t know, but I’m the best they could get for 36 coupons” ([02:05]). This light-hearted exchange sets the tone for the evening, highlighting Skelton's self-deprecating humor and his rapport with Bradley.

Introducing the Cast: Harriet Hilliard and Ozzie Nelson

Harriet Hilliard and Ozzie Nelson make their appearances, adding to the dynamic interaction. Hilliard introduces a novelty act where she sings "Daddy" while drinking water simultaneously. Skelton quips, “How does it yer? Well, how does it sound?” ([04:14], [04:20]), showcasing his quick wit and ability to engage with fellow performers.

Surreal Interactions and Character Humor

Red Skelton delves into a comedic exploration of police stereotypes through various skits. He portrays different types of policemen, each with exaggerated traits:

• Mounted Policeman: Skelton humorously imagines a mounted officer saying, “Pull over there” ([12:16]).
• Bashful Policeman: A shy officer attempting to handle a holdup with awkwardness ([14:43]).
• Tough Cop: An overly tough officer dealing with a driver’s ridiculous excuses for traffic violations ([16:09] - [18:55]).

Notable Quote:

“The only guy that ever got $10,000 a week for leading a band was Jesse James.” – Red Skelton ([15:28])

These sketches satirize law enforcement clichés, blending physical comedy with verbal humor.

Musical Interlude: Ozzie Nelson's Orchestra

Ozzie Nelson and his orchestra perform “Swinging on the Golden Gate” ([28:34]), providing a lively musical break. Skelton compliments the band, stating, “That was Ozzie Nelson and his orchestra playing Swinging on the Golden Gate. And very good too” ([29:20]).

Red Skelton as a Private Detective

Transitioning from comedic law enforcement sketches, Skelton adopts the persona of a private detective. Engaging in humorous dialogue with Sergeant Stinky, he recounts his "cases" with a blend of absurdity and irony:

• Case of the Masked Robber: Skelton humorously fails to identify a masked man, saying, “He was wearing a mask” ([20:16]).
• Interactions with Sergeant Stinky: Their exchanges are filled with puns and slapstick humor, such as Skelton’s lament, “I wish I were a woman. I'd have slapped his face” ([21:43]).

Notable Quote:

“I’m known as Bloodhound Skelton. The human bloodhound. That’s me.” – Red Skelton ([31:58])

These segments highlight Skelton's versatility and ability to transform into different comedic roles seamlessly.

Climactic Confrontation: The Arrest Scene

In a climactic moment, Skelton attempts to arrest Wonderful Smith, a character with an amusingly elaborate real name:

• Wonderful Smith’s Plea: “We moved out of Hollywood” ([24:55]).
• Legal Jargon and Wordplay: Skelton juggles legal terms humorously while trying to process Smith’s antics ([25:06] - [25:58]).

The scene culminates in a chaotic yet humorous interaction, emphasizing the show's blend of situational comedy and character-driven humor.

Final Thoughts and Closing Remarks

As the rehearsal concludes, Skelton reflects on his experiences, maintaining his comedic flair. Harriet Hilliard teases him about his misunderstandings of the police force, to which Skelton retorts with a mock-serious tone about his detective past ([29:26] - [30:21]).

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Key Takeaways

• Comedic Dynamics: The episode masterfully blends character-driven humor with situational comedy, showcasing Red Skelton's talent for improvisation and interaction.

• Satirical Elements: Through exaggerated portrayals of policemen and detectives, the show offers a humorous take on authority figures, resonating with audiences familiar with such stereotypes.

• Musical Integration: The inclusion of Ozzie Nelson's orchestra provides a balanced mix of humor and music, enhancing the overall entertainment value.

• Engaging Dialogue: Notable quotes and witty exchanges keep the audience engaged, demonstrating the timeless appeal of classic radio comedy.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Red Skelton on Comedy Skills:
  “I don’t know, but I’m the best they could get for 36 coupons.” ([02:05])

• On Military Humor:
  “You have a great sense of humor, too. He’d tell a joke and then I’d laugh, then I’d tell a joke, then he’d tell a joke and I’d laugh.” ([02:23])

• On Fashion and Style:
  “Still, if you’re an effeminate. Oh, well.” ([32:07])

• Detective Persona:
  “I’m known as Bloodhound Skelton. The human bloodhound. That’s me.” ([31:58])

• On Police Challenges:
  “Did you ever figure out what all police have to go through?” ([11:06])

These quotes encapsulate the essence of the show's humor and character interactions, providing memorable lines that highlight the comedic brilliance of Red Skelton.

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This detailed summary captures the vibrant humor, engaging character interactions, and musical elements that define the Red Skelton Show rehearsal from October 7, 1941. Whether you're a longtime fan or new to the Golden Age of Radio, this episode offers a delightful glimpse into classic radio entertainment.

Transcript

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[Truman Bradley]

The Raleigh Cigarette program starring Red Skelton. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This is Truman Bradley saying welcome to the Raleigh cigarette program starring Red Skelton with Ozzy Nelson and his orchestra, Harriet Hilliard and wonderful Smith. And now, Raleigh Cigarettes present Red Skeleton.

[Red Skelton]

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, and good evening and welcome to the Bundles for Skelton program. It's really, though. It's a lot of fun being here tonight. It's just like a big Hollywood opening.

[Truman Bradley]

Yeah. Did you see that crowd outside the studio, Rand?

[Red Skelton]

Did I see them? Three of them was my girl. But you know, Brad, coming through that crowd was really sort of a thrill because I didn't think anybody recognized me. All of a sudden, someone yelled, red skeletons in a crowd. And they all turned around and looked at me. Gee, I was so embarrassed, I was sorry. I yell.

[Truman Bradley]

Hey, Skelton, you know, I've never worked with you before. Are you a pretty good comedian?

[Red Skelton]

Well, I don't know, but I'm the best they could get for 36 coupons.

[Truman Bradley]

Brett, I understand that the sponsor signed you up at dinner last night at the Brown Derby.

[Red Skelton]

Yes, he had his choice of me or two vegetables.

[Truman Bradley]

Two vegetables.

[Red Skelton]

But really, our sponsors are really. He's really a fine man. Okay. And he got a great sense of humor, too. He'd tell a joke and then I'd laugh, then I'd tell a joke, then he'd tell a joke and I'd laugh.

[Truman Bradley]

Oh, I see. But it must be wonderful having a program all your own.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah, I'll say it is, Brad. Just think, I can do anything on this program I want to. I can even have my grandmother on here if I wanted it.

[Truman Bradley]

Well, why don't you have your grandmother on here?

[Red Skelton]

I think I will. Starting tomorrow, we'll build a wrestling arena here. Here. Oh, by the way, Brad, did you get the phone call that came in for you a couple of minutes ago? It was from a man from the automobile finance company.

[Truman Bradley]

Finance company?

[Red Skelton]

Yes.

[Truman Bradley]

What do you want, Red?

[Red Skelton]

I don't know. He just says, we give up. Where Is it? Gee.

[Truman Bradley]

Gee, Red, you don't think they'll take my car away, do you?

[Red Skelton]

No. Finance companies don't take your car away anymore.

[Truman Bradley]

They don't?

[Red Skelton]

No. They just go over to your garage and melt it down right there.

[Truman Bradley]

Well, I'm not gonna worry as long as nobody takes my wardrobe. Yeah, I'd hate to lose my reputation as the best dressed man in Hollywood.

[Red Skelton]

Yes, that would. You're the best dressed man in Hollywood?

[Truman Bradley]

Oh, sure.

[Red Skelton]

Well, unscrew my beret and catch a head cold you being a well dressed man of Hollywood. What do you think of this suit?

[Truman Bradley]

Just the thing for picking grapes.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah.

[Truman Bradley]

Reb, how much did you pay for that suit?

[Red Skelton]

It cost $16.50. Of course, I got 14 pair of pants and the first dance Saturday night at the pal.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Pardon me, Mr. Skelton, but I have a little novelty I'm sure would go very well on your program.

[Red Skelton]

Oh, well, that's fine. I'm. I'm looking for novelties. What do you do?

[Harriet Hilliard]

Well, I sing Daddy and drink a glass of water at the same time.

[Red Skelton]

You sing Daddy and drink a glass of water at the same time?

[Harriet Hilliard]

Yeah.

[Red Skelton]

How does it yer? Well, how does it sound?

[Harriet Hilliard]

Terrible, but it's calling.

[Red Skelton]

Well, right after the program, I'll meet you at Long Beach.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Hello, Red.

[Red Skelton]

Oh, Harriet Hilliard, ladies and gentlemen. You really look pretty tonight.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, thank you, Red. You look clean yourself.

[Red Skelton]

Say, you really look nice though.

[Harriet Hilliard]

How do you like my new open toed shoes?

[Red Skelton]

Is that what they are?

[Harriet Hilliard]

What did you think?

[Red Skelton]

Well, I didn't know whether your toes were creeping or your shoes were backing up.

[Harriet Hilliard]

I can see you don't know anything about women's clothes.

[Red Skelton]

Well, I don't, but in Hollywood you don't have to. Hey, look, maybe you could tell me something. Why do all the women wear slacks out here? My girl doesn't, you know.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Why not?

[Red Skelton]

Well, she isn't fat enough. Is that. Thanks a lot, both of you. But Harry, just tell me one thing. I'd like to tell you one thing rather. We're really happy to have you here on the program and being part of it.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, thank you, Red. And thanks too for the flowers you sent me. Oh, they're beautiful. Both of them.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah. Did you like them?

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, yes. But you didn't have to buy me flowers.

[Red Skelton]

Well, I didn't exactly buy them. I picked them out of your front yard.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Say, where were you before? I was looking all over for you.

[Red Skelton]

Really, Harriet? Yes. You were looking for me? Mm. Gee, they always told me I'd never know the difference? Well, look, Harriet, I've got an idea. After this show, I'll wait. Came by carrier pigeon, didn't it? Look, Harriet, I've got an idea. After the show is over, unless you and I make friends over a cup of coffee.

[Harriet Hilliard]

I don't like coffee.

[Red Skelton]

Well, then how about a nice, cold, tasty ice cream soda?

[Harriet Hilliard]

I hate sodas.

[Red Skelton]

What about a glass of water? Ugh. What do you like? Mothballs. Hello, folks. Oh, Ozzie Nelson, ladies and gentlemen. We are proud of you, Ozzy, the way you led the band. Now go back and lead it.

[Ozzie Nelson]

I'm sorry, Red, but Harriet and I have to get ready for our duet.

[Red Skelton]

Duet?

[Ozzie Nelson]

We really hate to leave you. It'll be dull and lonely without you.

[Red Skelton]

Put some expression in those lines.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Come on, Harriet.

[Red Skelton]

Look, I don't know why that's my line, if you don't mind. I don't know. But for some subtle reason, Miss and Nelson, I. I don't like you. And another thing. Why do you carry that baton around with you?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Well, because it can't walk. Come on along here.

[Red Skelton]

Wait a minute. Harriet can't go away from here. Besides, you just met her.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, that's where you're wrong, Red. I've known Ozzy for years.

[Red Skelton]

You have?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Oh, yes. We've been great friends.

[Red Skelton]

Oh. Anybody want to shoot some pool after.

[Ozzie Nelson]

One of our great American traditions is that of telling your hostess you've had a wonderful evening, whether you have or have not. We introduced two young people who've just spent a miserable evening, and here they are.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Goodbye now.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Goodbye now. We've spent a most enjoyable night.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Your husband's so cute when he's tied.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Yes, well, goodbye, goodbye. Goodbye.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Goodbye now.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Goodbye now.

[Harriet Hilliard]

We think your house is just the last word.

[Ozzie Nelson]

And your brother's joke's the funniest I've heard. Really? I thought I'd die. Well, goodbye.

[Harriet Hilliard]

We've really spent a lovely evening.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Yes, the dinner was especially fine.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, and those movies of the children. Delightful.

[Ozzie Nelson]

And wherever did you find that delicious wine?

[Harriet Hilliard]

Goodbye now, Goodbye now. We hate to leave our hostess and host. But as they say in France, adios.

[Ozzie Nelson]

And so goodbye, goodbye now. That's what they really did say. But here's what they would have said if they'd only told the truth.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Goodbye now, Goodbye now. And though I know this is impolite. I spent a most unhappy night.

[Ozzie Nelson]

So did I. Goodbye, goodbye now. Goodbye now.

[Harriet Hilliard]

We'd like to file Alaska Complain.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Yeah. Don't think this ain't been charming. Cause it ain't. Well, goodbye, goodbye Goodbye.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Your Uncle Charlie's corny card tricks we didn't find amusing a bit We've spent a most delightful evening but we'll have to admit that this wasn't it Bye, now.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Goodbye, now and though we never forget a face we'll make exceptions in your case and so goodbye Goodbye now.

[Red Skelton]

That was on Ozzie Nelson and Harriet Hilliard singing Goodbye Now. Oh, Harriet, don't go away. I wanted to ask you something.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Sure, Red.

[Wonderful Smith]

What?

[Officer]

Audio.

[Harriet Hilliard]

What do you want?

[Red Skelton]

Well, what do you want? This is not the American Tobacco program. Too bad we can't leave that in. Look, I saw you talking to one of the studio police a few minutes ago. Now, not that I mind, but I'd like to know how. Where I stand. Is he one of your boyfriends too?

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, no, he's just an old friend of the family. And I was so glad to see him that I just walked up to him and gave him a great big hug and.

[Red Skelton]

Law in your own hands, huh?

[Harriet Hilliard]

No, Reg, you don't understand. He's married and has a big family. He has a beautiful home and two of the finest Saint Bernards I've ever seen.

[Red Skelton]

Oh, just another cop with two big dogs. I'm just kidding. You know, really, do you ever stop to figure that everybody makes fun of the police? I mean, they've always pulled jokes about them and everything, but did you ever figure out what all police have to go through?

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, they really have a tough job.

[Red Skelton]

They really do. I'd like to try and show the different type of police that we really have and what they have to go through. Now, to start off, a lot of times when you mention the word police, right away you get the mental picture of an officer like this.

[Officer]

All right, bud, get moving.

[Wonderful Smith]

You can't park here.

[Officer]

Get out of there before I give you a ticket.

[Red Skelton]

Now, you know when he yells like he doesn't mean he's not really that type of a guy at all. What he really means is this.

[Officer]

All right, bud, get moving. You can't park here. Get out of there before I give you a ticket.

[Red Skelton]

Now, let's get into the lives of the police. First, we'll start off with a mounted policeman. Of course, you know what a mounted policeman is? That's a guy that can look in five directions, cut in front of two women driver and give out a ticket while in midair. They're usually officers like this. Hey, pull over there.

[Truman Bradley]

What's that?

[Red Skelton]

I said, pull over there.

[Truman Bradley]

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you said, good morning, governor.

[Red Skelton]

No, I didn't say, good morning, Governor. I. Oh, governor. Oh, Governor. Well, nice day for a veto, isn't it? I Sorry if I've slowed you up a little, Governor. Wait a minute. If you're the governor, what are you doing with a California state seal on your car?

[Truman Bradley]

Why, this is California.

[Red Skelton]

It is? How'd I get over here? I'm an Arizona cop. Then we have the mounted policeman. I once knew a mounted policeman. Oh, there was really a terrific horseman. He used to ride his horse backwards. He said it made the horse nervous to have anybody look over his shoulder. Well, a mounted policeman are usually like this. I'll play the part of the mounted policeman.

[Officer]

Whoa.

[Red Skelton]

Horse must have on rubber shoes. Say, pull over there, fella. What's the idea weaving down the middle of the road like that? Why don't you stay on the your line, huh?

[Officer]

Excuse it, please, officer. I'm not wanting to dirty the white lines.

[Red Skelton]

Well, I'm sorry, bud. I'll have to write you out a ticket. What's your name?

[Officer]

Stanislaus Bologna.

[Red Skelton]

Pass, friend. No kidding. With a name like that, he'd be better off with a number. If I know this country, he's got one. Then we have a bashful policeman. Did you ever see a policeman with an inferiority complex? They usually patrol the Lovers Lane out in the suburb. Suburb? That's Latin for long bus ride. Now, this officer has just received a call to check up on a holdup out in Lovers Lane. And every time he gets around parked cars, he gets very shy, very bashful. One of these type of guys. Well, there's the car.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Isn't it a beautiful night?

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, yes.

[Red Skelton]

Oh, pardon me, fella.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Your lips are like petals.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah. Bicycle pedal. Hey, fella.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, someday you'll be the greatest bandleader.

[Ozzie Nelson]

In the world and make $10,000 a week. Then we can get married.

[Red Skelton]

$10,000 a week. Ah, that's you. Here they are willing to sacrifice everything and just struggle along. $10,000 a week. The only guy to ever. 10. The only guy that ever got $10,000 a week for leading a band was Jesse James. Pardon me for you Always love me. Yes, I will.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Will you call me your Harriet?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Will you call me your Aussie?

[Red Skelton]

Will somebody call me when this is over? Say, Ozzy, don't you see me standing here?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Yeah, don't you?

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, where can we go to be alone?

[Red Skelton]

I don't know. Why don't you get yourself a couple of parachutes and try Devil's Tower.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Now? So why don't you do your duty and then go Back to sleep.

[Red Skelton]

Okay. Now look, I don't want to be an old budinski, but have you heard anything around here about a holdup?

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, yes, a fellow just held us up.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah, well, I'll have to make out a report. What did you lose?

[Ozzie Nelson]

About 10 minutes.

[Red Skelton]

Then we have the tough cops. You know, I. I once knew an officer who was so tough that he used to eat raw meat and then sit in boiling water to cook it. But he was really, he was really the sweetest guy in the world, even when he was giving out tickets. Until one of those companion drivers would butt in the conversation. You know what a companion driver is? This time I'll play the part of a companion driver.

[Officer]

Come on, pull over to the curb.

[Red Skelton]

Why ain't we drunk enough to drive?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Hey, pipe down, Joe. This cop looks tough.

[Officer]

Yeah, you just ran through a light. We're going to a fire.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah, we're going to start one.

[Officer]

Oh, awesomeness, huh?

[Red Skelton]

Yeah, and we'll vote for him the next. I'm.

[Officer]

Let's see your license.

[Red Skelton]

No, Officer, he hasn't got a license. He's my buddy. I'm teaching him to drive.

[Officer]

Well, well, in that case, let me see your license.

[Red Skelton]

Now wait a minute. Let's not get nosy.

[Officer]

Come on, come on. Somebody's gotta have a license.

[Ozzie Nelson]

I'm very sorry, but I haven't got a license.

[Red Skelton]

No, he couldn't get a license because he's near sire. Poor boy, he could only see about 3ft in front of him.

[Officer]

Well, then how in the world does he drive a car?

[Red Skelton]

He just follows the radiator cap.

[Officer]

I'm feeling pretty good tonight. I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll let you off this time, but I want you to get a license, see?

[Red Skelton]

Thanks, Officer.

[Ozzie Nelson]

I'll get one the first thing in the morning.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah, that's darn nice of you, officer. Here, have a drink.

[Officer]

Oh, no, I never drink.

[Red Skelton]

Oh, come on, have a. It's good stuff. If you don't believe me, smell his bread.

[Officer]

Oh, drunk driving, huh? Do you realize you can get a year in jail for taking just one?

[Red Skelton]

A year in jail for just one drink?

[Officer]

That's right. How many drinks has your friend had?

[Red Skelton]

I don't know, but I think you better give him a rate.

[Officer]

Well, let me tell you, you can get thrown in jail for drinking in your car.

[Red Skelton]

Oh, well then that's different.

[Officer]

What do you mean?

[Red Skelton]

Well, this isn't his car.

[Officer]

Oh. Oh, no. Well then whose is it then?

[Red Skelton]

Oh, just some guy that stepped into a drugstore With a motor run for a short coke.

[Officer]

Oh, a stolen coke car.

[Red Skelton]

Oh, don't worry, officer. He didn't steal it in this state.

[Wonderful Smith]

Did you drive it?

[Officer]

Did you drive it over the state line?

[Red Skelton]

We didn't fly it in.

[Officer]

Well, then that's a federal case.

[Red Skelton]

Is that better?

[Wonderful Smith]

Oh, come on, come on, come on.

[Officer]

I got to take you guys down to the police station.

[Red Skelton]

Oh, no, you don't. Bub. Bub. Call a wagon. You ain't riding in this car.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Wait a minute. Now, take it easy.

[Red Skelton]

Come on. Come on.

[Officer]

Move over.

[Red Skelton]

Now, wait a minute. Bub.

[Officer]

Bub.

[Red Skelton]

We're taxpayers. Bub.

[Officer]

Bub.

[Red Skelton]

Call a wagon and make it wagon number two. The springs are by there.

[Officer]

Listen, for two cents, I'd punch you right in the nose.

[Red Skelton]

All right, here's two cents, and I like to see you do it. Well, do I get a receipt? The policeman that has really the toughest life of all is the rookie. No matter what they do, they're always. It's always wrong. This time we go to the desk sergeant where one of the boys has just been called on the carpet. Did you send for me, Sergeant?

[Sergeant Stinky]

Officer Skelton, were you at the filling station last night when it was held up?

[Red Skelton]

Yes, sir.

[Sergeant Stinky]

Didn't you see the man holding it up?

[Red Skelton]

Yes, sir.

[Sergeant Stinky]

And didn't he look suspicious?

[Red Skelton]

Well, I couldn't tell. He was wearing a mask.

[Sergeant Stinky]

Skelton, I'm afraid you'll never make a police officer. I've been reading your reports here, see, it says last Wednesday you were told to break up a gang of high school kids who were hanging around the pool room.

[Red Skelton]

I tried, but those kids were tough. Gee, some of them were 10 or 11 years old and full of vitamin B1.

[Sergeant Stinky]

Oh, they couldn't have been that tough.

[Red Skelton]

Oh, no? Look at this letter I got from one of them. It says, dear Officer Red, if you don't stay away from our hangout, we'll break both of your legs. Signed positively.

[Sergeant Stinky]

Well, I'm gonna give you one more chance. Now, you take over here at the desk. I have to go down and do some work with a lie detector.

[Red Skelton]

Oh, by the way, how is the little woman? Oh, say, and sergeant, if you're going out the front, would you move my car? I forgot and left it parked in front of a fire plug.

[Harriet Hilliard]

What?

[Sergeant Stinky]

Skelton, at times I wonder how you ever got your Junior G Man badge. By the way, how did you get it? I thought they only gave those to little kids.

[Red Skelton]

They do. And everybody thought I looked very cute in my curly temple. Wampus.

[Sergeant Stinky]

Listen, Skelton, from now on you can just call me Sergeant Stinky.

[Red Skelton]

Stinky? Won't you get mad? Why worry?

[Sergeant Stinky]

You're on two weeks notice. Now, what do you got to lose?

[Red Skelton]

I wish I were a woman. I'd have slapped his face. Oh, well, it's good to be able to sit down, though. Gosh, I wish I could take off these tight shoes. Oh, what tight shoes cops wear. Oh, I wish I could just take them off and let my toes spread out like the spokes in a wagon wheel. I thought that looked too funny. Well, I guess I better make a few calls. Calling all cars. Calling all cars. Proceed at once to Moe's Delicatessen. An actor just stole the ham. An actor just stole the ham. Bring back the one with the government seal. Officer. Officer. What is it?

[Officer]

There's a riot. We furnish a Piera's department store. 27 and Hill streets. Open from 9 to 5. Sale tomorrow. Woman's and misses dresses, all sizes, reasonably priced. Easy times come early. Thank you.

[Red Skelton]

Wait a minute. Who are you?

[Officer]

I ain't the man from the May Company.

[Red Skelton]

We. Did I hear somebody knock? Yes, I heard somebody knock. Sound man will get a ticket for poking.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Officer, I have a complaint to make. This man has been following me.

[Officer]

Yeah.

[Red Skelton]

Hey, fella, straighten up. Put your eyes back in, will you?

[Officer]

Say, a police station? How did I get here?

[Red Skelton]

You followed this woman here?

[Officer]

Gee, it's always like that. Every time I follow a pretty girl, something breaks the spell.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Well, aren't you going to arrest this man?

[Red Skelton]

No. He's just a Hollywood wolf.

[Harriet Hilliard]

This town. This town is full of them.

[Red Skelton]

Yes, I know. Down on Hollywood Boulevard when a guy see meets a girl, he says hello. Say, by the way, what do you do for a living?

[Harriet Hilliard]

I'm a model. And you know, all day long, people keep looking at me. I'm developing a complex.

[Red Skelton]

You're a model?

[Harriet Hilliard]

Yes. Maybe you could suggest something that will kill that feeling that someone is staring at me.

[Red Skelton]

Well, yes. One thing might help. Next time you go out for lunch, try slipping something on.

[Sergeant Stinky]

All right, Come on, you get in there.

[Wonderful Smith]

Let me go. Let me go. You can't do this to me. You ain't got no warrant, you ain't got no haberstar. You ain't even got a temporary disjunction.

[Red Skelton]

No, but we got you, bub. Let go of him, officer. Name, please.

[Wonderful Smith]

Smith. Wonderful Smith.

[Red Skelton]

Wonderful Smith?

[Wonderful Smith]

Yes.

[Red Skelton]

Is that your real name?

[Wonderful Smith]

Yes, sir. My name is Wonderful and my sister's name? Marvelous. I got two brothers, Colossal and Terrific. And My other sister, Stupendous. And the baby, not bad.

[Red Skelton]

What happened there?

[Wonderful Smith]

We moved out of Hollywood.

[Red Skelton]

Well, wonderful. What do you plead? Guilty or not guilty?

[Wonderful Smith]

Let me see. What else have you.

[Red Skelton]

Oh, no. I mean, are you innocent?

[Wonderful Smith]

Why, Judge, of course not. Are you?

[Red Skelton]

Well, I'm sorry, fellow. Looks like I got. Looks like I gotta lock you up. Fellas.

[Wonderful Smith]

Can I call my lawyer?

[Red Skelton]

Yeah, but don't use that phone. Use that payphone over there. You put in a slug, didn't you?

[Wonderful Smith]

Hello, operator, Give me number one five, ring three.

[Red Skelton]

Washington, D.C. oh, your lawyer's in Washington?

[Wonderful Smith]

Yes, sir. Hello, Mr. Wilton? This is Wonderful Smith. What? You don't know me? Maybe you know my cousin then. Joe Smith. He's right there in Washington. He's got a little shoe shine stand on K Street. That is, he had a shoeshine stand but he went broke. Now he ain't got no business. What's that? Oh, there's a lot of people in Washington ain't got no business there. You still don't remember me? Well, I'm the Wonderful Smith from Hollywood. Maybe you've seen me in the pictures. What's that, Mr. Wilkie? You say you ain't never gonna see another movie as long as you live? What's my trouble? Well, sir, I bought a suit for a dollar down and a dollar a week. But the weeks are rolling round faster than my do. No, sir, I didn't buy the suit of my own free will. I was just walking by on Main Street. I was looking in the clothing store window and I said to a man standing there, look at that beautiful red plaid suit. And the next thing I knew, I was yelling, put me down. Yes, sir. And when he put me down, I ran out of the store. But I had on the red suit. Now I'm having trouble with the finance company. I was paying interest on the interest. What'd you say? Security? Yes, sir, I left security. But what I want to know is how long do I have to pay before I get my right arm back? What's that, Mr. Wilkie? I shouldn't worry cause you'll come and get me out just as soon as you figure out a way to balance the budget. Oh, Mr. Wilkie. Then you mean I's in jail for life.

[Harriet Hilliard]

It.

[Red Skelton]

Thank you very much. That was Ozzie Nelson and his orchestra playing Swinging on the Golden Gate. And very good too.

[Harriet Hilliard]

A red. I didn't know you were so well misinformed about the police force.

[Red Skelton]

Oh, sure. Oh, you don't think I know anything about the police forces, huh? Well, I'll have you to know that I used to be a private detective.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, really?

[Red Skelton]

Yes, that's right. I'll never forget my first case.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Your first case?

[Red Skelton]

What happened after the third bottle? We played what's My Name and nobody knew.

[Harriet Hilliard]

You're a card. But tell me more anyway. Tell me about your experiences as a private detective.

[Red Skelton]

Well, one day I was in my office and the telephone started to ring. Hello, Skelton Detective Agency?

[Sergeant Stinky]

Say, I'd like to have some protection. I have a feeling I'm gonna be shot.

[Red Skelton]

Well, what makes you think so?

[Sergeant Stinky]

Well, my wife is standing in front of me with a dirty look and a gun.

[Red Skelton]

Well, I'll be right over. Where do you live?

[Sergeant Stinky]

On Sepulveda Boulevard.

[Red Skelton]

Sepulveda Boulevard. How do you spell? What spell?

[Sergeant Stinky]

Suppose it's S, S, E, E, P, U, U, L.

[Red Skelton]

Too bad. If he lived on vine street, we could. Oh, hello there, Detective Bradley. Hello, chief.

[Truman Bradley]

Sorry I'm late. I've been out with my girl.

[Red Skelton]

Say, are you still going with Big Nose Annie?

[Truman Bradley]

Ah, chief. Chief, her nose ain't so big.

[Red Skelton]

Oh, no? Then why does she keep it in a holster?

[Truman Bradley]

Well, chief, you know how she freckles.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah, that's me. I was sure glad to hear that.

[Truman Bradley]

You saw the Eagle Odell case, chief?

[Red Skelton]

Yeah, I caught the guy just as he was leaving the hotel room.

[Truman Bradley]

Tell me, did he have the towels in his suitcase?

[Red Skelton]

No, but he had the chamber made in his grip. Boy, what a joke. Listen to it fizz.

[Truman Bradley]

There, there, take it easy now, Chiefy. The sandman will be along pretty soon. Oh, by the way, chief, I saw you shadowing that blonde. Did you hang anything on her?

[Red Skelton]

No. Vice versa.

[Truman Bradley]

Well, you certainly got a great system around this office. Everything's neat, everything right in its place.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah, that's right. Say, while I'm thinking of it, go over to the File Mar Confidential and get me a ham sandwich, will you? Quite a blotting paper will do.

[Truman Bradley]

You know, Skelton, you're really a great detective.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah, I'm known as Bloodhound Skelton. The human bloodhound. That's me. The human bloodhound.

[Truman Bradley]

Well, don't stand there wagging your T, Mr. Bratton. Well, anyway, I admire you, chief. You're fearless. Absolutely fearless.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah, I think nothing of walking into a Hollywood nightclub with just a bayonet.

[Truman Bradley]

Well, I carry a fork myself.

[Red Skelton]

Well, well, if you're effeminate.

[Truman Bradley]

Oh, well. Say, Red, do we have to go out on any cases today?

[Red Skelton]

Yes. Did you hear about the trunk murder?

[Truman Bradley]

Trunk murder?

[Red Skelton]

Well, it wasn't exactly a trunk murder. They found a dead midget in a zipper bag.

[Truman Bradley]

Who do you think did it?

[Red Skelton]

Huh?

[Truman Bradley]

Who do you think did it?

[Red Skelton]

His wife, But I think she's got an alibi.

[Officer]

Yeah?

[Red Skelton]

Yeah. She said she met him at a bread counter and he came already. Sly, I'm beginning to read the blotches on the paper now. Oh, hello, madam. What can I do for you? I'm Detective Skelton.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Well, do you follow women?

[Red Skelton]

Well, yes, if it's business. Oh, what happened? I just went out of business. Well, that's life. What's the next case?

[Truman Bradley]

Well, say, why don't we go down to burlesque show and arrest that girl who does a strip tease with marshmallows, huh? Yeah. I said, let's go down to the burlesque show and arrest that girl who does a striptease of marshmallow.

[Red Skelton]

What did you say? Skip it. Skip it. Hello, Skeleton. Detective Agents. Jeepers, peepers.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Sorry to disturb you, but could you come right over?

[Red Skelton]

Why, sure. Something happened. Yes, What?

[Wonderful Smith]

Murder. Murder?

[Red Skelton]

I'll be over there before you can say Jack Robinson. Did anybody say it?

[Truman Bradley]

Well, this looks like the house. Red. Shall I push the doorbell?

[Red Skelton]

Nah, let us.