Red Skelton Show 41-11-04 (005) Medical Profession

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio
Episode: Red Skelton Show 41-11-04 (005) Medical Profession
Release Date: May 26, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode of Harold's Old Time Radio, listeners are treated to an entertaining and comedic rendition of the Red Skelton Show centered around the Medical Profession. Hosted by Red Skelton, alongside co-stars Ozzie Nelson, Harriet Hilliard, and Wonderful Smith, the show blends humor with light-hearted sketches, offering a nostalgic glimpse into the Golden Age of Radio.

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Opening Banter and Character Interactions ([03:04] - [09:15])

The episode kicks off with Red Skelton engaging in playful conversation with Truman Bradley. They reminisce about a recent party, setting a jovial tone for the show.

• Red Skelton ([03:25]): “I had to count 563 Earl Carroll girls before I could go to sleep.”

• Harriet Hilliard ([04:07]): “It was a Halloween party, wasn't it?”

The interplay between the characters introduces the audience to the dynamic relationships and sets the stage for upcoming sketches.

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Guest Appearance: Ozzie Nelson and Harriet Hilliard ([04:32] - [09:15])

Ozzie Nelson joins the conversation, bringing his signature charm. The dialogue touches upon the antics of Ozzie's drummer at the party, showcasing the comedic talents of the cast.

• Red Skelton ([05:03]): “The first time I ever saw anybody siphon soup.”

• Ozzie Nelson ([05:37]): “Oh, it was just peachy.”

The conversation seamlessly transitions into a humorous search for a multi-talented musician, leading to a collaborative sketch between Ozzie and Harriet.

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Musical Interlude: "Beat It Out" ([19:01] - [19:56])

A lively musical number titled "Beat It Out" is performed, featuring Ozzie Nelson. The song celebrates the trumpet man, blending rhythm and humor.

• Lyrics Highlight: “When his horn gets round to his lips his educated fingertips Hips Makes you want to shake your hips Beat it out Beat it out Beat it out, yeah.”

This segment adds a spirited musical break, showcasing the era's popular tunes and the performers' versatility.

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Medical Profession Sketches ([09:15] - [26:54])

The heart of the episode revolves around a series of comedic sketches depicting various aspects of the medical profession.

1. Ambulance Drivers ([09:31] - [10:17])

   Red Skelton and Ozzie Nelson portray ambulance drivers navigating through humorous obstacles.

   • Red Skelton ([09:43]): “Every minute counts, you know.”

   • Ozzie Nelson ([10:09]): “Make it two hamburgers and hurry.”

2. Doctor and Nurse Dynamics ([10:36] - [13:54])

   This sketch features Harriet Hilliard as a nurse and Red Skelton as Dr. Skelton, exploring the humorous side of patient-doctor interactions.

   • Red Skelton ([12:10]): “I'll give him till 2 o' clock. I got a court order.”

   • Harriet Hilliard ([12:53]): “Aren't you proud to be the father of a new baby?”

3. Young Doctor Examination ([22:30] - [26:54])

   Red Skelton portrays a patient with a peculiar condition, while Wonderful Smith acts as an inexperienced doctor. The interplay highlights medical misunderstandings with comedic flair.

   • Red Skelton ([25:35]): “With a combination like that, when I die, I'll be a real red skeleton.”

   • Wonderful Smith ([26:18]): “Yeah, but when I was through, I took my little card home, put it on my player piano and it played I'll be glad when you're dead, you rascal, you.”

These sketches effectively blend humor with medical scenarios, providing both laughs and a satirical look at the profession.

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Sponsored Segments and Commercials Skipped

As per the show's format, advertisements and sponsored messages, such as those promoting Raleigh Cigarettes and Sir Walter Raleigh pipe tobacco, are present in the transcript but are omitted from this summary to focus on the core content.

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Closing Remarks and Final Word ([28:38] - [29:14])

The episode concludes with Red Skelton and Truman Bradley wrapping up the show.

• Red Skelton ([28:50]): “Thank you, Truman. Ladies and gentlemen, we all know that the government of the United States expects each of us to do his part toward national defense. And in my humble opinion, the best way for us all to do our share is by buying United States defense bonds and saving stamps. Thank you very much for listening and goodbye. Now.”

This final segment emphasizes a patriotic message, typical of radio shows from that era, encouraging listeners to contribute to national efforts.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Red Skelton ([03:25]): “I had to count 563 Earl Carroll girls before I could go to sleep.”

• Ozzie Nelson ([10:17]): “There's nothing like a good old house warming to bring people closer together.”

• Red Skelton ([12:53]): “Aren't you proud to be the father of a new baby?”

• Wonderful Smith ([25:35]): “With a combination like that, when I die, I'll be a real red skeleton.”

• Red Skelton ([28:50]): “Thank you very much for listening and goodbye. Now.”

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Conclusion

This episode of Harold's Old Time Radio masterfully captures the essence of classic radio entertainment through engaging dialogues, humorous sketches, and memorable musical performances. Red Skelton and his co-stars deliver a delightful portrayal of the medical profession, infused with wit and charm. Whether reminiscing about past parties or navigating comedic medical scenarios, the show offers listeners a hearty dose of laughter and nostalgia.

Transcript

[Truman Bradley]

Sam, we will present Red Skeleton in just a moment. But first, a short message from our sponsor smokers. Raleigh Cigarettes give you a tobacco blend that no one has been able to duplicate. It's an exclusive golden rich blender, and it gives Raleigh Cigarettes a distinctively outstanding taste and flavor. Raleigh's better blend is a result of painstaking care in every detail. For instance, only the golden tobaccos are good enough for Raleigh's tobaccos that any authority will tell you are choicer, more expensive, and where two or three kinds of tobaccos might be good enough for some cigarettes. Raleigh's give you a blend of 31 different types of domestic and imported tobaccos blended together with exacting care by the world's finest tobacco blenders. Yes, America's finest tobacco blend. That's what you get in Raleigh cigarettes. And remember, Raleighs give you valuable coupons redeemable for over 70 luxury premiums. Friends, no matter how you look at it, it pays to smoke Raleigh's. The pack with the coupon on the back. The cigarettes with the golden rich tobacco blend. Raleigh Cigarettes, modern streamlined version of an old favorite, Irving Berlin's, remember. And here is Metro Golden Mayor's modern streamlined young comedian, the star of our show, Red Skelton. Thank you.

[Red Skelton]

Thank you very much and good evening, ladies and gentlemen. How do you feel tonight, Truman?

[Truman Bradley]

Oh, swell. Hello, Red. Say, are you fully recovered from that big party you gave the other night?

[Red Skelton]

Yeah, wasn't that some party, huh?

[Truman Bradley]

It sure was. Boy, oh, boy. Say, I hope you didn't mind when I spill that root beer all over the rug.

[Red Skelton]

No, I didn't care. I managed to squeeze it all back in the bottle. But we really had fun, didn't we?

[Truman Bradley]

Yeah, you sure did. I know that. But you looked awfully tired when the party broke up, Red.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah, I was kind of tired. You know, when I went to bed, I had a terrible time.

[Truman Bradley]

You did?

[Red Skelton]

Yeah. I had to count 563 Earl Carroll girls before I could go to sleep.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Hiya, Red.

[Red Skelton]

Hello, Harriet. How you feel?

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, just fine. So listen, I want to tell you I certainly enjoyed your party the other night.

[Red Skelton]

Oh, that's good.

[Harriet Hilliard]

It was a Halloween party, wasn't it?

[Red Skelton]

No, those were the musicians girls. Did you see that one girl the drummer was with? Wasn't she Bowlegged, huh? Of course, it was her own fault for being so bowlegged. She hitchhiked out here on oil trucks.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, fine.

[Red Skelton]

She was smart, though. Very smart girl.

[Harriet Hilliard]

She was?

[Red Skelton]

Yeah. Every once in a while she took her thumb out of her mouth and Said something brilliant.

[Harriet Hilliard]

She seemed kind of all red. Has she been in Hollywood long?

[Red Skelton]

Yeah, I think she was chased down here by the glacier. But anyway, as she arrived to the party, she acted very well bred.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Mm. She arrived well bred and went home sliced.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Hello, friends. How are all my dear, dear friends tonight?

[Red Skelton]

What are you running for.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Red? You know, I sure had fun at your party. There's nothing like a good old house warming to bring people closer together.

[Red Skelton]

I see you've never been in a bargain basement on Dollar Day. Listen, Ozzy, about that party the other night, I got a bone to pick with you.

[Ozzie Nelson]

You mean we didn't eat everything?

[Red Skelton]

No, not that. It's about your drummer. I thought he was very ill mannered at the table.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

[Red Skelton]

Well, I would. The first time I ever saw anybody siphon soup.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Yeah, that was bad. I don't know what got into my boys at your party. It certainly wasn't food.

[Red Skelton]

You mean they were still hungry after dinner?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Hungry? Why, they cleaned up everything on their plates. And then they got into an argument about whether the trombone player would be better grilled or fried.

[Red Skelton]

Well, I saw him later and he was fried. But listen, Ozzy, did you really like my party?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Oh, it was just peachy.

[Red Skelton]

You like the sandwiches?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Just peachy.

[Red Skelton]

And the drinks?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Peachy.

[Red Skelton]

Well, did you like that girl I got for you?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Well, she was a little fuzzy too. While walking down the street, I chanced to meet a friend of mine who leads a.

[Harriet Hilliard]

A band who doesn't nowadays.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Quiet, Harriet. He seemed a bit perplexed. In fact, I'd say completely vexed. And when I tell you what was wrong, you'll understand. I said, my friend, you're looking rather on the worried side. He heaved a heavy sigh and then replied, I'm looking for a guy who plays alto and baritone and doubles on a clarinet and wears a size 37 suit. Of course, we'd expect him to do some arranging and perhaps a bit of copying and double oboe and some flute. He may sing the vocals just in case we get stuck. Oh, yes, and he's the guy who shines the shoes and drives the truck. I'm looking for a guy who plays alto and baritone and doubles on a clarinet and wears a size 37 suit. And here's Harriet to tell her side of the story. Take it away, Harriet.

[Harriet Hilliard]

It happened in Gary, Indiana. We were playing a One Night Stone. As Ozzy tapped off number three. A gal stepped up and said to me, I'd like a good look at the members of your band. I'm looking for a certain young musician. I met him at a dance a year ago. I don't recall if he was with BG or Tommy D. But I'll tell you all about him so you'll know. I'm looking for a guy who plays alto and baritone and doubles on a clarinet and wears a size 37 suit. I can't find him listed in Downbeat or Metronome, Billboard or Variety. But oh, my goodness, was he cute. I can't remember if his hair was dark or light. Cause he didn't take his hat off when he kissed me good night. I'm looking for a guy who plays alto and baritone and doubles on a clarinet and wears a size 37 suit.

[Red Skelton]

That was Ozzie and Harriet. Looking for a guy who plays alto and baritone, doubles on a clarinet and wears size 37 suit. The guy that wrote that song deserves a lot of credit. No kidding. I imagine it was very hard riding in a straight jacket. Say, Harriet, I want to thank you for playing that benefit the other night for all the doctors and nurses with me.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, it's all right. I enjoyed it, Red. Say, how about us doing a show for all the doctors and nurses all over the country?

[Red Skelton]

Say, that's a good idea. We can show different types of patients and the things that we think that happen in hospitals. To start off with, we'll show you the fellows who take you there, the men who have the most dangerous jobs of all. The ambulance drivers.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Hey, now, take it easy going around these curves.

[Red Skelton]

Well, if you're scared, just do what I do. Close your eyes. Every minute counts, you know.

[Ozzie Nelson]

All right, come on, let's go. Push that gas pedal right down to the floor.

[Red Skelton]

Press it down any farther, brother, we'll be walking. Hey, up. I'll turn up this alley and take a shortcut. A one way alley.

[Ozzie Nelson]

There, that's it. That's it. That's the place. Right over there.

[Red Skelton]

Okay, come on, hurry. There's no time to lose.

[Wonderful Smith]

Well, what do you want?

[Red Skelton]

Make it two hamburgers and hurry. We gotta get right back. You know, I was in an ambulance once that got me to the hospital so fast that my ailment didn't get there till 10 minutes later.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Say, Red, did you ever see one of those doctors who's always busy? I'll tell you what. You'll be the doctor and I'll be the nurse, huh?

[Red Skelton]

Okay, we'll do that one. Good morning, Dennis.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Good morning, Doctor. What's cooking?

[Red Skelton]

The patients, they've all got fever.

[Harriet Hilliard]

By the way, how's Your patient with a broken leg.

[Red Skelton]

He's doing much better. Today he was chasing the nurse all around the room.

[Harriet Hilliard]

He always did that.

[Red Skelton]

I know, but today he caught her.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Well, what are you so mad about?

[Red Skelton]

That's better than I ever did.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Say, how's the other patient? Room 607?

[Red Skelton]

Pretty bad. He just saw three pink elephants.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, that is bad.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah, there was four of them. Say, anybody waiting to see me?

[Harriet Hilliard]

Yep, quite a crowd. You better go out and get in your cage.

[Red Skelton]

Okay. Now, please, nurse, Remember, I am Dr. Skelton, D.D.S. s I, S, S I P, P I. Ah, good morning there, Dr. Jekyll. My, you look pretty happy today.

[Wonderful Smith]

Yes, I'm in a good mood. Today, on my way over to the hospital, I ate three Good Humor Men.

[Red Skelton]

Really? How do you feel?

[Wonderful Smith]

Oh, just fine. By the way, Dr. Skelton, here's that case I was telling you about.

[Red Skelton]

My, this is the strangest case I've ever seen.

[Wonderful Smith]

Yes, it's all head and no body.

[Red Skelton]

Yes.

[Wonderful Smith]

What shall we do?

[Red Skelton]

You send that beer back the first thing in the morning. Now we come to the most tragic case of all. The expectant father. This time you be the nurse. I'll be a big politician waiting for the baby to arrive. A very excited guy. Good morning, nurse. Has Junior arrived yet?

[Harriet Hilliard]

No, Mayor Skelton, it may be some time.

[Red Skelton]

Well, I'll give him till 2 o' clock. I got a court order.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, by the way, congratulations, Mayor. You really stole that last election.

[Red Skelton]

That's a lie. I paid for every vote. Here, have a cigarette.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Well, expectant fathers usually give out cigars on this program.

[Red Skelton]

Are you kidding?

[Harriet Hilliard]

Aren't you proud to be the father of a new baby?

[Red Skelton]

Well, the way I look at it, another 21 years, another vote.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Here he is, Mayor, your new son.

[Red Skelton]

Our Republican. Then we have a lady and her little boy going to see the doctor. The little boy's one of those mean guys, you know. Harriet, you be my mother and I'll be the little boy.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Okay, Red. Now, Richard, you stay right here in the waiting room. I'll be right back.

[Red Skelton]

What are you doing?

[Harriet Hilliard]

I'm going in to get Dr. Nelson.

[Red Skelton]

Now, you're gonna sneak in somewhere and get a beer. And I wanna go with.

[Harriet Hilliard]

I'll be right back.

[Red Skelton]

Now, you said that last night and you went to a bingo game. And I wanna go.

[Harriet Hilliard]

I'll be right back.

[Red Skelton]

I Wish I was 5 instead of 4. Then I could make my own living. I wouldn't have to stand for this stuff. Beside that, I'd be one Year closer to my old age benches. Ooh, a telephone. If I do, I get a whippin.

[Ozzie Nelson]

I do it, I'll do it.

[Red Skelton]

Maybe for me, anyway. Hello, this is Dr. Nelson Dorfit. He's having a sale in operations. Tonsil, $30. Appendix, $50. Liver, 60. On a bun, 6,000, 250. Uh.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, here he is, Doctor.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Well, my little man. What's the matter with you?

[Red Skelton]

Now, wait a minute. Let's not get no.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Well, Doctor, I'll tell you. He's been swallowing things again. Yesterday he swallowed two nickels, and today he swallowed two nickels and a dime.

[Ozzie Nelson]

What's he got down there, a turnstile? Well, after all, that's nothing. Here, let me see. Why, what he has is a case of hives. Yes, hives. That's all he has. I'll give him a little castor oil.

[Red Skelton]

You ain't. Who else?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Here, now, take this. Castor oil.

[Red Skelton]

Now, wait a minute. Had it been cut? No. Well, then put something in it. I can't. Drink it straight, buddy. I won't drink it. Not. You picked it like a cocktail.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Lyle, hold his nose.

[Red Skelton]

I don't care. Go ahead. Hold my nose. Go ahead. Fix it so I can't breathe. Go ahead. I dare you. Go on, butt my eardrums. Go ahead. I'll sue you for every nickel you die.

[Harriet Hilliard]

All right, Richard, what can Mother do to get you to drink this?

[Red Skelton]

Well, throw in some finish to kill the taste of the cat. To oil. Then throw in a strawberry to kill the taste of the finish.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Yes, but this is November. We can't have strawberries until next May.

[Red Skelton]

Okay, then throw me a Magadine. I'll wait. Then we have the young doctor who's just out of school. This time I'll be the doctor. And, wonderful, Smith, you be my patient.

[Unnamed Patient]

I'd like a checkup.

[Red Skelton]

All right. Say, let's see your tongue. No, stick it out farther. No, farther.

[Unnamed Patient]

It's hooked on back there. What do you want me to do, to lay it on the floor?

[Red Skelton]

Let's see. Oh, that's very bad.

[Unnamed Patient]

Do I have a coat on my tongue?

[Red Skelton]

Yes, with a belt in the back. I'm sorry. There's just nothing I can do for you.

[Unnamed Patient]

You mean I'm headed for the last roundup?

[Red Skelton]

Yes.

[Unnamed Patient]

Then maybe I'd better start making my reservations. Could I use your phone?

[Red Skelton]

Pay phone. Right over there.

[Unnamed Patient]

Hello, operator. I'd like to call Uncle Tom up in heaven. What you say deposit another quarter? But, operator, the chamber of commerce told me heaven was inside the Los Angeles City limit. Thanks. Hello, Uncle Tom. This is wonderful. You're wonderful, Smith. But sad. No, I don't feel so very good. By the way, did Grandpa make it okay? Yes, it was kind of sudden. He trumped Grandma's A's. You say you gotta hang up? Oh, you got to polish the golden stars and a few hundred stars. How come you got to do so much work? Oh, short of help up there.

[Red Skelton]

Hey, ask him if my brother made it. He's a big politician.

[Unnamed Patient]

Oh.

[Red Skelton]

Hello.

[Unnamed Patient]

Hello, Uncle Tom. Did a politician by the name of Skelton make it? Oh, you haven't had a politician up there for the past 30 years. Well, listen, Uncle Tom, I called to see if you would make a reservation. Yeah, I would like a room with a halo and a good view of the earth. Yeah. Well, tell me, are the girls pretty up there? Oh, if you think about women, you'll lose your wing. You mean you can't even think about sweet Georgie Brown? Yes, Uncle Tom, you're right.

[Red Skelton]

She was pretty.

[Unnamed Patient]

Yeah, you sure had some fun with that gal.

[Red Skelton]

Hello?

[Unnamed Patient]

Hello, Uncle Tom. Oh, my goodness. Uncle Tom has been grounded.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Trumpet man come do that beat do taps Trumpet man, you make my feet.

[Red Skelton]

Do taps.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Give three cheers for the man with a horn he might be tired but he's not forlorn Tempo Bread and rhythm born Beat it out Beat it out Beat it out, yeah when his horn gets round to his lips his educated fingertips Hips Makes you want to shake your hips Beat it out Beat it out Beat it out, yeah he mix hot licks he's full of tricks he really clicks Trumpet man is a bit of okay when your cares are blown away the man with the horn is the devil to pay Beat it out Beat it out Beat it out, yeah.

[Unnamed Sponsor]

Ladies and gentlemen, a special.

[Truman Bradley]

Bulletin from the NBC Newsroom.

[Unnamed Sponsor]

Mayor LaGuardia is leading O'Dwyer by 25,000 votes with three fourths of the precincts heard from. LaGuardia has 781,000. O'Dwyer, 751,000. The New York Times and the New York news both say LaGuardia is the winner.

[Ozzie Nelson]

He really clicks. Trumpet band is a bit of okay. When your cares are blown away the man with the horn is the devil to pay Beat it out, Beat it out Feed it out, yeah Trumpet man is the devil to pay Beat it out, Beat it out Beat it out yeah.

[Red Skelton]

That's Beat it out, which Ozzie and Harriet introduced in the new Columbia picture, Sweethearts on the Campus. And it's a very good picture, too. Say, Truman, I got a swell Idea for the introduction for the commercial tonight.

[Truman Bradley]

Well, you know me, Red. Commercial minded me. Let's have it.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah. All right. Well, now, look, I come up and I say, truman, why do they call Raleigh's the Oomph cigarette? See? And you say, I don't know. Then I give you a snapper. Uh.

[Truman Bradley]

Oh, well, something tells me I shouldn't do this, but go ahead.

[Red Skelton]

All right. Say, Truman, do you know why they call Raleigh's the Oomph cigarette?

[Truman Bradley]

No, Red. Why are Raleighs called the Oomph cigarettes?

[Red Skelton]

Because they give you such beautiful premium.

[Truman Bradley]

Well, friends, regardless of whether you call them preemie umps or preemie ums, they're really magnificent. And There are over 70 Raleigh premiums, each one the finest of its kind, all nationally advertised merchandise. You'll find a lot of things you've probably been wanting for a long, long time. And you can get all of them. Just smoke Raleigh cigarettes and save those valuable golden coupons that come on the back of each pack. Now we have a 60 page catalog picturing in full color every Raleigh premium. It's free. For your copy, just drop a card to Raleigh in care of the station to which you were listening. And friends, tonight try Raleigh cigarettes. Raleigh's exclusive golden rich tobacco blend makes them better cigarettes with a smoother, milder taste and flavor. Yes, with your very first pack, you'll find it pays to smoke Raleigh's the pack with the coupon on the back.

[Red Skelton]

Say, that's nice plugging there, Truman.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Fred, you seem to know all about medical matters. Can you tell me about the strangest case you ever heard of?

[Red Skelton]

Well, I can't tell you about it, but I can show it to you.

[Harriet Hilliard]

All right, go ahead.

[Red Skelton]

All right. You be the nurse, I'll be the strange case.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Come in. My goodness, what have you got on your feet, slot machines?

[Red Skelton]

Nope, it's not that. I've come to see the doctor about them. Sounds he's gotta help me, miss. I got too much iron in my blood.

[Harriet Hilliard]

I noticed you had a high polish. Yes, well, sit down.

[Red Skelton]

Okay. I gotta get oiled again tonight.

[Harriet Hilliard]

My, that is a strange ailment. Does it run in the family?

[Red Skelton]

Yeah. My grandfather was a railroad magnet and my grandmother had a teen ear.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, I'll bet it gets you in a lot of trouble.

[Red Skelton]

Yes, it's very embarrassing too. You know, yesterday a guy slapped me on the back and a man four blocks away yelled, run for your life. It's another earthquake.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Have you ever been examined before?

[Red Skelton]

Yes, I was examined by my draft board.

[Harriet Hilliard]

How did you make out?

[Red Skelton]

Well, they gave me a little white card and I went to each doctor and he punched a hole in whatever ailment I was tested for.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Well, that's an efficient way to do it.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah. And when I was through, I took my little card home, put it on my player piano and it played I'll be glad when you're dead, you rascal, you.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Well, that sounds pretty serious. We'd better get in and see the doctor right away. Follow me, please.

[Red Skelton]

I sound like I got dish pan hands, don't I?

[Harriet Hilliard]

Step right in, please. This is the doctor.

[Red Skelton]

How do you do, doc?

[Wonderful Smith]

How do you do? Say, you are in need of medical attention. You're so pale and wrinkled, you're looking.

[Red Skelton]

At a Venetian blind. This is me.

[Truman Bradley]

Sorry.

[Wonderful Smith]

Well, my little man, what seems to be the trouble?

[Red Skelton]

I got too much iron in my blood, Doc.

[Wonderful Smith]

Well, take off your shirt and I'll look at you.

[Truman Bradley]

Okay.

[Red Skelton]

There went another rivet.

[Wonderful Smith]

Nurse, while I examine the patient, you prepare the X ra X ray machine.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Yes, Doctor.

[Wonderful Smith]

Now, I listen with the stethoscope.

[Red Skelton]

Okay, Doc.

[Wonderful Smith]

Yes, my boy, you do have iron in your blood. And la conga.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Doctor, the X ray is ready.

[Wonderful Smith]

Yes, I'll be through in a moment. I just want to test his reflexes.

[Red Skelton]

Oh, Doc, do that again. It tickles.

[Truman Bradley]

Well, I don't know.

[Red Skelton]

That's pretty bad.

[Wonderful Smith]

Water on the knee and iron in the blood.

[Red Skelton]

Yes, sir. Boy, with a combination like that, when I die, I'll be a real red skeleton.

[Wonderful Smith]

Now, young man, you step in front of this X ray machine.

[Red Skelton]

Okay, Doc. That's it.

[Wonderful Smith]

Now look straight ahead.

[Red Skelton]

Okay, Doc.

[Harriet Hilliard]

What do you see, doctor?

[Wonderful Smith]

Why, I see a lot of little men on their knees and they look like they're praying.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, you've got the machine on too strong. What you're looking at is a crap game in the basement.

[Red Skelton]

You don't know much about medicine, do you, Doc?

[Wonderful Smith]

Just a moment, Hugh. I'll have you know I studied four years with Dr. Neo, Ph.D. oh, yeah?

[Red Skelton]

Well, I studied two years with Dr. Kildare, MGM. Look, look, Doc, you gotta help me.

[Wonderful Smith]

Doc, how long have you had this condition?

[Red Skelton]

10 years. But you gotta help me, Doc. You gotta help me, Doc. They sound like a daytime cereal program, don't they? You gotta help me, Doc.

[Wonderful Smith]

You say that you've had this condition for 10 years?

[Red Skelton]

Yes.

[Wonderful Smith]

Then why the sudden hurry to get rid of it?

[Red Skelton]

Well, I just got word that because of the shortage in building material, the government's going to melt me down.

[Truman Bradley]

Say, Red, you did all right when you introduced My commercial a moment ago.

[Red Skelton]

Oh, why, thanks, Brad. There's no reason why I shouldn't help out a pal, is there?

[Truman Bradley]

None that I know of, Red. And that's the reason I want to introduce a pal of mine who speaks for our companion sponsor.

[Unnamed Sponsor]

You know, gentlemen, there are mighty good reasons why Sir Walter Raleigh pipe tobacco is the favorite with men everywhere who know and appreciate quality smoking. Sir Walter Raleigh gives you everything you could wish for in the perfect pipe tobacco. It has a rich flavor, a pleasing tangy taste and a fragrant aroma. And it burns extra cool, even and slow. If you paid $100 a pound for a special pipe mixture, you couldn't get finer quality tobacco than Sir Walter Raleigh. It's the quality pipe tobacco of America. And here's the best part of it. With all this high quality. Still, Sir Walter Raleigh costs no more than ordinary smoking tobaccos. Try Sir Walter Raleigh tonight.

[Truman Bradley]

This is Truman Bradley again. Remember, we'll all be back again at the same time next week. Red Skelton, Ozzie Nelson and his music. Harriet Hilliard and Wonderful Smith. And now here's Red Skelton with a final word before we say good night.

[Red Skelton]

Thank you, Truman. Ladies and gentlemen, we all know that the government of the United States expects each of us to do his part toward national defense. And in my humble opinion, the best way for us all to do our share is by buying United States defense bonds and saving stamps. Thank you very much for listening and goodbye. Now.

[Truman Bradley]

Red Skeleton appears on this program through the courtesy of Metro Golden Mayor. This is the Red Network of the National Broadcasting Company.