Red Skelton Show 41-11-04 (005) Medical Profession

Summary

Podcast Summary: Red Skelton Show 41-11-04 (005) Medical Profession

Podcast Information:

• Title: Harold's Old Time Radio
• Episode: Red Skelton Show 41-11-04 (005) Medical Profession
• Release Date: March 30, 2025
• Host/Author: Harolds Old Time Radio
• Description: This episode features radio shows from the Golden Age of Radio, showcasing the camaraderie of family and friends gathered around to enjoy classic radio entertainment featuring beloved shows like The Shadow, Abbott & Costello, Amos & Andy, Dragnet, and more.

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Introduction

The episode centers around a comedic portrayal of the medical profession, featuring the iconic comedian Red Skelton alongside co-stars Harriet Hilliard and Ozzie Nelson. Set against the backdrop of a lively house party, the show seamlessly blends humor with satirical takes on medical scenarios, delivering timeless entertainment reminiscent of the Golden Age of Radio.

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Main Segments

1. Opening Dialogue and Party Banter (00:00 - 06:28)

The episode kicks off with Red Skelton engaging in light-hearted banter with Truman Bradley. Red humorously claims his motorcycle is insured with GEICO, leading to Truman's witty rebuttal about the impracticality of being "on cloud nine." This sets the tone for the episode's comedic style.

• Notable Quote:
  • Truman Bradley [00:07]: "Clouds are wholly unable to support the weight of an adult human."

The conversation quickly shifts to recollections of a recent party, where Harriet Hilliard mentions a spilled root beer and Red responds with his whimsical attempts to remedy the situation by squeezing the root beer back into the bottle. The exchange highlights the playful dynamics among the characters.

• Notable Quote:
  • Red Skelton [03:48]: "I managed to squeeze it all back in the bottle. We really had fun, didn't we?"

Ozzie Nelson joins the dialogue, expressing his enjoyment of the party, which organically leads to discussions about the party's guests, including a bowlegged drummer girl. The characters' interactions are filled with humorous misunderstandings and playful teasing.

2. Introduction of Musical Interlude and Commercial Break (06:28 - 09:31)

Harriet Hilliard introduces Red Skelton, praising him as a young comedian and segueing into a comedic performance titled "Beat it out." This musical number serves as both entertainment and a satirical take on medical themes.

• Notable Quote:
  • Red Skelton [09:17]: "That was 'Beat it out,' which Ozzy and Harriet introduced in the new Columbia picture, 'Sweethearts on the Campus.' And it's a very good picture, too."

3. Medical Sketch: Doctor-Patient Interactions (09:31 - 26:14)

The heart of the episode revolves around a comedic sketch depicting interactions between doctors and patients. Red Skelton portrays Dr. Skelton, while Ozzie Nelson assumes the role of Dr. Nelson Dolford. Harriet Hilliard acts as the nurse, facilitating the humorous exchanges.

• Patient Reception and Ambulance Humor (09:40 - 11:54):

  The segment opens with Red and Ozzie discussing ambulance drivers, highlighting the dangers of the job with humor. An example includes Red's jest about being in an ambulance so fast that his ailment doesn't arrive until ten minutes later.

  • Notable Quote:
    • Red Skelton [10:10]: "I had to count 563 Earl Carroll girls before I could go to sleep."

• Mock Medical Consultations (11:54 - 16:00):

  The characters engage in exaggerated medical consultations, such as Red's portrayal of a patient who has swallowed coins and exhibits bizarre symptoms. The dialogue is peppered with puns and slapstick humor, exemplifying the show's comedic essence.

  • Notable Quote:
    • Red Skelton [12:20]: "Oh, a telephone. If I do, I get a whippin'I. Do it. I'll do it."

• Humorous Prescription and Treatments (16:00 - 26:14):

  A recurring gag involves the administration of dubious treatments, such as castor oil, leading to humorous resistance from the patient (Red Skelton). The sketch continues with a mock examination using exaggerated medical jargon and playful misunderstandings.

  • Notable Quote:
    • Red Skelton [16:16]: "Well, throw in some finish to kill the taste of the cat. To oil. Then throw in a strawberry to kill the taste of the finish."

4. NBC News Bulletin Integration (20:26 - 21:21)

Amidst the comedic sketches, an authentic-sounding NBC News bulletin is interjected, reporting on a mayoral election. This seamless integration blurs the lines between fiction and reality, adding depth to the episode's multilayered humor.

• Notable Quote:
  • NBC News Anchor [20:26]: "Mayor LaGuardia is leading O'Dwyer by 25,000 votes with three fourths of the precincts heard from."

5. Commercial Break and Product Promotion (21:21 - 23:00)

The show includes a cleverly disguised commercial segment promoting Raleigh Cigarettes. Red and Harriet engage in a mock commercial script, highlighting the product's features in a humorous and engaging manner.

• Notable Quote:
  • Red Skelton [21:48]: "Because they give you such beautiful premium."

6. Final Medical Sketch and Conclusion (23:00 - 29:44)

The episode culminates with another round of medical-themed comedy, focusing on Red Skelton's character dealing with an eccentric medical condition involving excess iron in his blood. Harriet and Ozzie play along with the absurdity, culminating in a humorous resolution where medical incompetence is satirized.

• Notable Quote:
  • Red Skelton [25:08]: "At a Venetian blind. This is me, Holly."

The episode wraps up with a closing speech from Red Skelton, urging listeners to support national defense through purchasing defense bonds with saving stamps. Harriet Hilliard delivers the final farewells, maintaining the show's signature charm.

• Notable Quote:
  • Red Skelton [29:20]: "Thank you very much for listening and goodbye."

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Character Dynamics

• Red Skelton as Dr. Skelton: Embodies the quintessential comedic doctor, blending genuine concern with slapstick humor. His interactions are marked by wit and exaggerated expressions, creating memorable comedic moments.

• Harriet Hilliard as the Nurse: Acts as the straight character counterpart, providing a foil to Red's antics while contributing to the humor through her responses and participation in sketches.

• Ozzie Nelson as Dr. Nelson Dolford: Complements Red's character with his own brand of humor, engaging in playful banter and participating in the exaggerated medical scenarios.

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Comedic Elements and Themes

• Satire of the Medical Profession: The show lampoons medical practices and doctor-patient relationships, using exaggeration and absurdity to highlight the humorous side of healthcare interactions.

• Slapstick and Wordplay: Physical comedy and puns are prevalent throughout the episode, enhancing the lighthearted atmosphere and engaging the audience with clever humor.

• Character-driven Humor: The chemistry among the cast members fuels much of the comedy, with each character's unique traits contributing to the overall humor.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Truman Bradley [00:07]: "Clouds are wholly unable to support the weight of an adult human."

• Red Skelton [03:48]: "I managed to squeeze it all back in the bottle. We really had fun, didn't we?"

• Red Skelton [10:10]: "I had to count 563 Earl Carroll girls before I could go to sleep."

• Red Skelton [12:20]: "Oh, a telephone. If I do, I get a whippin'I. Do it. I'll do it."

• Red Skelton [21:48]: "Because they give you such beautiful premium."

• Red Skelton [25:08]: "At a Venetian blind. This is me, Holly."

• Red Skelton [29:20]: "Thank you very much for listening and goodbye."

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Musical Performances

• "Beat it out" [05:59 - 06:28, 20:49 - 21:21]: A lively musical number introduced by Harriet and performed by Ozzie Nelson. The song serves as both entertainment and a thematic tie-in to the medical profession's depiction within the show.

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Conclusion

The "Medical Profession" episode of the Red Skelton Show masterfully combines humor, satire, and musical interludes to create an engaging and entertaining listening experience. Through its clever dialogues, memorable characters, and timeless comedic elements, the episode captures the essence of the Golden Age of Radio, making it a delightful piece for both long-time fans and new listeners alike.

Transcript

[Red Skelton]

Geico's motorcycle expertise gives me the coverage I need. Like 247 claims, I'm on cloud nine.

[Truman Bradley]

Clouds are wholly unable to support the weight of an adult human.

[Red Skelton]

What's happening?

[Truman Bradley]

Furthermore, clouds are not numbered. Even if you procured a jetpack and searched, you'd find no cloud numbered nine. However, at that altitude, you'd likely befriend a flock of migrating snow geese. Geese who'd encourage you to leave your 24.7geico motorcycle claims insurance behind as they would take you in and even share their dinner of crickets and clovers with you. GEICO assumes no liability for any indigestion that may occur from a clover cricket dinner. GEICO expertise for your motorcycle.

[Harriet Hilliard]

It's. We will present Red Skelton in just a moment, but first, a short message from our sponsor smokers. Raleigh Cigarettes give you a tobacco blend that no one has been able to duplicate. It's an exclusive, golden, rich blend, and it gives Raleigh Cigarettes a distinctively outstanding taste and flavor. Raleigh's better blend is a result of painstaking care in every detail. For instance, only the golden tobaccos are good enough for Raleigh's tobaccos that any authority will tell you are choicer, more expensive. And where two or three kinds of tobaccos might be good enough for some cigarettes, Raleigh's give you a blend of 31 different types of domestic and imported tobaccos blended together with exacting care by the world's finest tobacco blenders. Yes, America's finest tobacco blend. That's what you get in Raleigh cigarettes. And remember, Raleigh's give you valuable coupons redeemable for over 70 luxury premiums. Friends, no matter how you look at it, it pays to smoke Raleighs. The pack with the coupon on the back, the cigarettes with the golden, rich tobacco blend. Raleigh cigarettes. Bowser Nelson's modern, streamlined version of an old favorite, Irving Berlin's, remember. And here is Metro, Golden Mayer's modern, streamlined young comedian, the star of our show, Red Skelton. Thank you.

[Red Skelton]

Thank you very much and good evening, ladies and gentlemen. How do you feel tonight, Truman?

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, swell. Hello, Red. Say, are you fully recovered from that big party you gave the other night?

[Red Skelton]

Yeah. Wasn't that some party, huh?

[Harriet Hilliard]

It sure was. Boy, oh, boy. Say, I hope you didn't mind when I spilled that root beer all over the rug.

[Red Skelton]

No, I didn't care. I managed to squeeze it all back in the bott. We really had fun, didn't we?

[Harriet Hilliard]

Yeah, you sure did. I know that. But you looked awfully tired when the party broke up.

[Red Skelton]

Ran Yeah, I was kind of tired, you know, when I went to bed, I had a terrible time.

[Harriet Hilliard]

You did?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Yeah.

[Red Skelton]

I had to count 563 Earl Carroll girls before I could go to sleep.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Hi, you, Red.

[Red Skelton]

Hello, Harriet. How you feel?

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, just fine. So, listen, I want to tell you I certainly enjoyed your party the other night.

[Red Skelton]

Oh, that's good.

[Harriet Hilliard]

It was a Halloween party, wasn't it?

[Red Skelton]

No, those were the musicians girls. Thank you. Did you see that one girl the drummer was with? Wasn't she bowlegged, huh? Of course. It was her own fault for being so bowlegged. She hitchhiked out here on oil trucks.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, fine.

[Red Skelton]

She was smart, though. Very smart girl.

[Harriet Hilliard]

She was?

[Red Skelton]

Yeah. Every once in a while she took her thumb out of her mouth and said something brilliant.

[Harriet Hilliard]

She seemed kind of old, Red. Has she been in Hollywood long?

[Red Skelton]

I think she was chased down here by the glacier. But anyway, as she arrived to the party, she acted very well bred.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Mm. She arrived well bred and went home sliced.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Hello, friends. How are all my dear, dear friends tonight?

[Red Skelton]

What are you running for.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Now, Red? You know, I sure had fun at your party. There's nothing like a good old house warming to bring people closer together.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah, I see you've never been in a bargain basement on Dollar Day. Listen, Ozzy, about that party the other night, I got a bone to pick with you.

[Ozzie Nelson]

You mean we didn't eat everything?

[Red Skelton]

No, not that. It's about your drummer. I thought he was very ill mannered at the table.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

[Red Skelton]

Well, I would. The first time I ever saw anybody siphon soup.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Yeah, that was bad. I don't know what got into my boys at your party. It certainly wasn't food.

[Red Skelton]

You mean they were still hungry after dinner?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Hungry?

[Red Skelton]

Why?

[Ozzie Nelson]

They cleaned up everything on their plates. And then they got into an argument about whether the trombone player would be better grilled or fried.

[Red Skelton]

I saw him later and he was fried. But listen, Ozzy, did you really like my party?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Oh, it was just peachy.

[Red Skelton]

You like the sandwiches?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Just peachy.

[Red Skelton]

And the drinks?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Peachy.

[Red Skelton]

Well, did you like that girl I got for you?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Well, she was a little fuzzy, too. While walking down the street, I chanced to meet a friend of mine who.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Leads a band who doesn't nowadays.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Quiet, Harriet. He seemed a bit perplexed. In fact, I'd say completely vexed. And when I tell you what was wrong, you'll understand. I said, my friend, you're looking rather on the worried side. He heaved a heavy sigh and then replied, I'm looking For a guy who plays alto and baritone. And doubles on a clarinet. And wears a size 37 suit. Of course, we'd expect him to do some arranging and perhaps a bit of copying. And double oboe and some flute. He may sing the vocals just in case we get stuck. Oh, yes, and he's the guy who shines the shoes and drives the truck. I'm looking for a guy who plays alto and baritone. And doubles on a clarinet and wears a size 37 suit. And here's Harriet to tell her side of the story. Take it away, Harriet.

[Harriet Hilliard]

It happened in Gary, Indiana. We were playing a. One night, as Ozzy tapped off number three. A gal stepped up and said to me. I'd like a good look at the members of your band. I'm looking for a certain young musician. I met him at a dance a year ago. I don't recall if he was with BG Or Tommy D. But I'll tell you all about him so you'll know. I'm looking for a guy who plays alto and baritone. And doubles on a clarinet. And wears a size 37 suit. I can't find him listed in Downbeat or Metronome, Billboard or Variety. But, oh, my goodness, was he cute. I can't remember if his hair was dark or light. Cause he didn't take his hat off when he kissed me good night. I'm looking for a guy who plays alto and baritone. And doubles on a clarinet and wears a size 37 suit.

[Red Skelton]

That was Ozzie and Harriet. Looking for a guy who plays alto and baritone. Doubles on a clarinet and wears size 37 suit. Well, the guy that wrote that song deserves a lot of credit. No kidding. I imagine it was very hard riding in a straight jacket. Say, Harriet, I want to thank you for playing that benefit the other night for all the doctors and nurses with me.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, it's all right. I enjoyed it. Red. Say, how about us doing a show for all the doctors and nurses all over the country?

[Red Skelton]

Say, that's a good idea. We can show different types of patients and the things that we think that happen in hospitals. To start off with, we'll show you the fellows who take you there. The men who have the most dangerous jobs of all. The ambulance drivers.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Hey, now, take it easy going around these curves.

[Red Skelton]

Well, if you're scared, just do what I do. Close your eyes. Every minute counts, you know.

[Ozzie Nelson]

All right, come on, let's go. Push that gas pedal right down to the floor.

[Red Skelton]

Press it down any farther, brother, we'll be walking. Hey, up. I'll turn up this Alley and take a shortcut. A one way alley.

[Ozzie Nelson]

There, that's it. That's it. That's the place. Right over there.

[Red Skelton]

Okay, come on, hurry. There's no time to lose.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Well, what do you want?

[Red Skelton]

Make it two hamburgers. And hurry, we gotta get right back. You know, I was in an ambulance once that got me to the hospital so fast that my ailment didn't get there till 10 minutes later.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Say, Rad, did you ever see one of those doctors who's always busy? I tell you what, you be the doctor and I'll be the nurse, huh?

[Red Skelton]

Okay, we'll do that. Good morning to nurse.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Good morning, doctor. What's cooking?

[Red Skelton]

The patients, they've all got fever.

[Harriet Hilliard]

By the way, how's your patient with a broken leg?

[Red Skelton]

He's doing much better. Today he was chasing the nurse all around the room.

[Harriet Hilliard]

He always did that.

[Red Skelton]

I know, but today he caught her.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Well, what are you so mad about?

[Red Skelton]

That's better than I ever did.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Say, how's the other patient? Room 607?

[Red Skelton]

Pretty bad. He just saw three pink elephants.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, that is bad.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah, there was four of them. Say, anybody waiting to see me?

[Harriet Hilliard]

Yep, quite a crowd. You better go out and get in your cage.

[Red Skelton]

Okay. Now please, nurse, Remember I am Dr. Skelton, DDS s I s s I p p I. Ah, good morning there, Dr. Jekyll. Why, you look pretty happy today.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Yes, I'm in a good mood. Today on my way over to the hospital I ate three Good Humor men.

[Red Skelton]

Really? Well, how do you feel?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Oh, just fine. By the way, Dr. Skelton, here's that case I was telling you about.

[Red Skelton]

My, this is the strangest case I've ever seen.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Yes, it's all head and no body.

[Red Skelton]

Yes.

[Ozzie Nelson]

What shall we do?

[Red Skelton]

You send that beer back the first thing in the morning. Now we come to the most tragic case of all. The expectant father. This time you be the nurse. I'll be a big politician waiting for the baby to arrive. A very excited guy. Good morning, nurse. Has Junior arrived yet?

[Harriet Hilliard]

No, Mayor Skelton. It may be some time.

[Red Skelton]

Well, I'll give him till 2 o'clock. I got a court order.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, by the way, congratulations, Mayor. You really stole that last election.

[Red Skelton]

That's a lie. I paid for every vote. Here, have a cigarette.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Well, expectant fathers usually give out cigars on this program.

[Red Skelton]

Are you kidding?

[Harriet Hilliard]

Aren't you proud to be the father of a new baby?

[Red Skelton]

Well, the way I look at it, another 21 years, another vote.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Here he is, Mayor, your new son.

[Red Skelton]

Our Republican. Then we have a lady and her little boy going to see the doctor. The little boy's one of those mean guys, you know. Harriet, you be my mother, and I'll be the little boy.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Okay, Red. Now, Richard, you stay right here in the waiting room. I'll be right back.

[Red Skelton]

What are you doing?

[Harriet Hilliard]

I'm going in to get Dr. Nelson.

[Red Skelton]

Now, you're gonna sneak in somewhere and get a beer. And I want to go with you.

[Harriet Hilliard]

I'll be right back.

[Red Skelton]

Now, you did that last night, and you went to a bingo game. And I want to go.

[Harriet Hilliard]

I'll be right back.

[Red Skelton]

I Wish I was 5 instead of 4. Then I could make my own living. I wouldn't have to stand for this stuff. Beside that, I'd be one year closer to my old age. Pencil. Ooh, a telephone. If I do, I get a whippin'I. Do it. I'll do it. Maybe for me, anyway. Hello. This is Dr. Nelson Dolford. He's having a sale in operations. Tonsil, $30 a penny, $50. Liver, 60 on a bun, $62.50. Uh.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, here he is, Doctor.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Well, my little man. What's the matter with you?

[Red Skelton]

Now, wait a minute. Let's not get.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Well, Doctor, I'll tell you. He's been swallowing things again. Yesterday he swallowed two nickels, and today he swallowed two nickels and a dime.

[Ozzie Nelson]

What's he got down there, a turnstile? Well, after all, that's nothing. Here, let me see. Why, what he has is a case of hives. Yes, hives. That's all he has. I'll give him a little castor oil.

[Red Skelton]

You ain't who el.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Here. Now take this castor oil.

[Red Skelton]

Now, wait a minute. Had it been cut?

[Ozzie Nelson]

No.

[Red Skelton]

Well, then put something in it. I can't drink it straight. But I won't drink it. Not. You picked it like a cocktail.

[Ozzie Nelson]

L. Hold his nose.

[Red Skelton]

I don't care. Go ahead. Hold my nose. Go ahead. Fix it so I can't breathe. Go ahead. I dare you. Go on, butt my eardrums. Go ahead. I'll sue you for every nickel you die.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, Richard, what can Mother do to get you to drink this?

[Red Skelton]

Well, throw in some finish to kill the taste of the cat. To oil. Then throw in a strawberry to kill the taste of the finish.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Yes, but this is November. We can't have strawberries until next May.

[Red Skelton]

Okay, then throw me a Magadine. I'll wait. Then we have the young doctor who's just out of school. This time I'll be the doctor. And wonderful. Smith, you Be my patient.

[Wonderful Smith]

I'd like a checkup.

[Red Skelton]

All right. Say, let's see your tongue now. Stick it out farther. No, farther.

[Wonderful Smith]

It's hooked on back there. What do you want me to do, to lay it on the floor?

[Red Skelton]

Let's see. Oh, that's very bad.

[Wonderful Smith]

Do I have a coat on my tongue?

[Red Skelton]

Yes, with a belt in the back. I'm sorry. There's just nothing I can do for you.

[Wonderful Smith]

You mean I'm headed for the last roundup?

[Red Skelton]

Yes.

[Wonderful Smith]

Then maybe I'd better start making my reservations. Could I use your phone?

[Red Skelton]

Pay phone, right over there.

[Wonderful Smith]

Hello, operator? I'd like to call Uncle Tom up in heaven. What you say deposit another quarter? But, operator, the Chamber of Commerce told me Heaven was inside the Los Angeles city limit.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Thanks.

[Wonderful Smith]

Hello, Uncle Tom. This is wonderful. You're wonderful, Smith. But say no. I don't feel so very good. By the way, did Grandpa make it okay? Yes, it was kind of sudden. He trumped Grandma's A's. You say you gotta hang up. Oh, you got to polish the golden stars and a few hundred stars. How come you got to do so much work? Oh, short of help up there.

[Red Skelton]

Hey, ask him if my brother made it. He's a big politician.

[Wonderful Smith]

Oh, hello. Hello, Uncle Tom. Did a politician by the name of Skelton make it? Oh, you haven't had a politician up there for the past 30 years. Well, listen, Uncle Tom, I called to see if you would make a reservation. Yeah, I would like a room with a halo and a good view of the earth. Yeah. Well, tell me, are the girls pretty up there? Oh, if you think about women, you'll lose your wing. You mean you can't even think about sweet Georgie Brown? Yes, Uncle Tom, you're right. She was pretty. Yeah, you sure had some fun with that gal. Hello? Hello, Uncle Tom. Oh, my goodness. Uncle Tom has been grounded.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Trumpet man, come do that beat do taps Trumpet man, you make my feet do taps Give three cheers for the man with a horn he might be tired but he's not forlorn Tempo Bread and rhythm born Beat it out Beat it out Beat it out yeah when his horn gets round to his lips his educated fingertips Hips Makes you want to shake your hips Beat it out Beat it out Beat it out yeah he mix hot licks he's full of tricks he really clicks Trumpet man is a bit of okay when your cares are blown away the man with the horn is the devil to pay Beat it out Beat it out Beat it out, yeah.

[NBC News Anchor]

Ladies and gentlemen, a special bulletin from the NBC Newsroom. Mayor LaGuardia is leading O'Dwyer by 25,000 votes with three fourths of the precincts heard from. LaGuardia has 781,000. O'Dwyer, 751,000. The New York Times and the New York news both say LaGuardia is the winner.

[Ozzie Nelson]

He really play trumpet. Band is a bit of okay. When your cares are blown away the man with the horn is the devil to pay Beat it out Beat it out Beat it out yeah. Trumpet man is the devil to pay Beat it out Beat it out Beat it out yeah.

[Red Skelton]

That was Beat it out, which Ozzy and Harriet introduced in the new Columbia picture. Sweethearts on the Campus. And it's a very good picture, too. Say, Truman, I got a swell idea for the introduction for the commercial tonight.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Well, you know me, Red. Commercial minded me. Let's have it.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah. All right. Well, now, look, I come up and I say, truman, why do they call Raleigh's the Oomph cigarette? See? And you say, I don't know. Then I give you a snapper. Uh.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, well, something tells me I shouldn't do this, but go ahead.

[Red Skelton]

All right. Say, Truman, do you know why they call Raleigh's the Oomph cigarette?

[Harriet Hilliard]

No, Red. Why are Raleighs called the Oomph cigarettes?

[Red Skelton]

Because they give you such beautiful premium.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Well, friends, regardless of whether you call them preemie umps or preemie ums, they're really magnificent. And There are over 70 Raleigh premiums, each one the finest of its kind, all nationally advertised merchandise. You'll find a lot of things you've probably been wanting for a long, long time. And you can get all of them. Just smoke Raleigh cigarettes and save those valuable golden coupons that come on the back of each pack. Now, we have a 60 page catalog picturing in full color every Raleigh Premium. It's free. For your copy, just drop a card to Raleigh in care of the station to which you were listening. And, friends, tonight try Raleigh cigarettes. Raleigh's exclusive golden rich tobacco blend makes them better cigarettes with a smoother, milder taste and flavor. Yes, with your very first pack, you'll find it pays to smoke Raleigh's. The pack with the coupon on the back.

[Red Skelton]

Say, that's nice plugging there, Truman.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Fred, you seem to know all about medical matters. Can you tell me about the strangest case you ever heard of?

[Red Skelton]

Well, I can't tell you about it, but I can show it to you.

[Harriet Hilliard]

All right, go ahead.

[Red Skelton]

All right. You be the nurse, I'll be the strange case.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Come in. My goodness, what have you got on your feet, slot machines?

[Red Skelton]

Nope, it's not that. I've come to see the doctor about them sounds he's gotta help me, miss. I got too much iron in my blood.

[Harriet Hilliard]

I noticed you had a high polish. Yeah, well, sit down.

[Red Skelton]

Okay. I gotta get oiled again tonight.

[Harriet Hilliard]

My, that is a strange ailment. Does it run in the family?

[Red Skelton]

Yeah. My grandfather was a railroad magnet and my grandmother had a teen ear.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, I'll bet it gets you in a lot of trouble.

[Red Skelton]

Yes, it's very embarrassing too. You know, yesterday a guy slapped me on the back and a man four blocks away yelled, run for your life. It's another earthquake.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Have you ever been examined before?

[Red Skelton]

Yes, I was examined by my draft board.

[Harriet Hilliard]

How did you make out?

[Red Skelton]

Well, they gave me a little white card and I went to each doctor and he punched a hole in whatever ailment I was tested for.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Well, that's an efficient way to do it.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah, and when I was through, I took my little card home, put it on my player piano and it played I'll be glad when you're dead, you rascal, you.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Well, that sounds pretty serious. We'd better get in and see the doctor right away. Follow me, please.

[Red Skelton]

I sound like I got dish pan hands, don't I?

[Harriet Hilliard]

Step right in, please. This is the doctor.

[Red Skelton]

How do you do, doc?

[Ozzie Nelson]

How do you do? Say, you are in need of medical attention. You're so pale and wrinkled, you're looking.

[Red Skelton]

At a Venetian blind. This is me, Holly.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Well, my little man, what seems to be the trouble?

[Red Skelton]

I got too much iron in my blood, Doc.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Well, take off your shirt and I'll look at you.

[Red Skelton]

Okay. There went another rivet.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Nurse, while I examine the patient, you prepare the X ray. X ray machine.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Yes, Doctor.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Now, I listen with the stethoscope.

[Red Skelton]

Okay, doctor.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Yes, my boy, you do have iron in your blood and la conga.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Doctor, the X ray is ready.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Yes, I'll be through in a moment. I just want to test his reflexes.

[Red Skelton]

Oh, doc, can you do that again? It tickles. Well, I don't know. That's pretty bad.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Water on the knee and iron in the blood.

[Red Skelton]

Yes, sir. Boy, with a combination like that, when I die, I'll be a real red skeleton.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Now, young man, you step in front of this X ray machine up there.

[Red Skelton]

That's it.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Now look straight ahead.

[Red Skelton]

Okay, doctor.

[Harriet Hilliard]

What do you see?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Doctor, I see a lot of little men on their knees and they look like they're praying.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, you've got the machine on too strong. What you're looking at is a crap game in the basement.

[Red Skelton]

You don't know much about medicine, do you, Doc?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Just a moment, Hugh. I'll have you know I studied four years with Dr. Neo, Ph.D. oh, yeah?

[Red Skelton]

Well, I studied two years with Dr. Kildare, MGM. Look, look, doc. You gotta help me, Doc.

[Ozzie Nelson]

How long have you had this condition?

[Red Skelton]

10 years. But you gotta help me, Doc. You gotta help me, Doc. They sound like a daytime cereal program, don't they? You gotta help me, Doc.

[Ozzie Nelson]

You say that you've had this condition for 10 years?

[Red Skelton]

Yes.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Then why the sudden hurry to get rid of it?

[Red Skelton]

Well, I just got word that because of the shortage in building material, the government's going to melt me down.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Say, Red, you did all right when you introduced my commercial a moment ago.

[Red Skelton]

Oh, why, thanks, Brad. There's no reason why I shouldn't help out a pal, is there?

[Harriet Hilliard]

None that I know of, Red. And that's the reason I want to introduce a pal of mine who speaks for our companion sponsor.

[NBC News Anchor]

You know, gentlemen, there are mighty good reasons why Sir Walter Raleigh pipe tobacco is the favorite with men everywhere who know and appreciate quality smoking. Sir Walter Raleigh gives you everything you could wish for in the perfect pipe tobacco. It has a rich flavor, a pleasing tangy taste and a fragrant aroma. And it burns extra cool, even and slow. If you paid $100 a pound for a special pipe mixture, you couldn't get finer quality tobacco than Sir Walter Raleigh. It's the quality pipe tobacco of America. And here's the best part of it. With all this high quality still, Sir Walter Raleigh costs no more than ordinary smoking tobaccos. Try Sir Walter Raleigh tonight.

[Harriet Hilliard]

This is Truman Bradley again, Remember, we'll all be back again at the same time next week. Red Skelton, Ozzie Nelson and his music, Harriet Hilliard and Wonderful Smith. And now here's Red Skelton with a final word before we say good night.

[Red Skelton]

Thank you, Truman. Ladies and gentlemen, we all know that the government of the United States expects each of us do his part toward national defense. And in my humble opinion, the best way for us all to do our share is by buying United States defense bond with saving stamps. Thank you very much for listening and goodbye. Now.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Red Skeleton appears on this program through the courtesy of Metolin mayor. This is the Red Network at the National Broadcasting Company.