Red Skelton Show 41-11-25 (008) Red's Latest Picture

Summary

Podcast Summary: Harold's Old Time Radio - "Red Skelton Show 41-11-25 (008) Red's Latest Picture"

Release Date: June 28, 2025
Host: Red Skelton
Guests: Harriet Hilliard, Ozzie Nelson, Wonderful Smith
Run Time: Approximately 30 minutes

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Overview

In this episode of Harold's Old Time Radio, listeners are treated to an engaging and humorous performance featuring the iconic Red Skelton alongside beloved co-stars Harriet Hilliard, Ozzie Nelson, and Wonderful Smith. The episode centers around Red Skelton's latest endeavors in the film industry, interactions between the cast members, comedic sketches, and a delightful musical interlude. The chemistry among the cast ensures a lively and entertaining experience reminiscent of the Golden Age of Radio.

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Red Skelton Discusses His New Picture [02:57 – 05:59]

The episode opens with Red Skelton engaging in a light-hearted conversation with host Truman Bradley about his new movie at MGM.

• Red Skelton introduces his film:
  "Say, Truman. Thought I'd never make it here tonight. I had a little trouble with my car." ([02:57])

• Truman Bradley inquires about the star of the movie:
  "Isn't Eleanor Powell the star in it?" ([03:16])

• Red Skelton shares a humorous anecdote about teaching dance moves:
  "Yeah, we have a lot of fun on the set too. She's teaching me how to jitterbug." ([03:18])

The dialogue continues with Red humorously describing interactions with co-stars and behind-the-scenes antics, highlighting his playful personality and the camaraderie among the cast.

Notable Quote:

• Red Skelton on his driving troubles:
  "Well, it started to choke, so I patted it on the back and it coughed up a pedestrian." ([03:04])

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Musical Interlude: "Dear Arabella" [06:16 – 08:50]

A charming musical segment features Harriet Hilliard and Ozzie Nelson performing the song "Dear Arabella." The duet is filled with affectionate lyrics and showcases the harmonious chemistry between the performers.

• Ozzie Nelson begins the song expressing longing:
  "Dear Arabella this army life's okay But, Arabella, I miss you more each day..." ([06:16])

• Harriet Hilliard responds with heartfelt verses:
  "Dear Private Johnny, don't worry over me. Cause, Private Johnny, I'm faithful as can be..." ([07:05])

The song beautifully encapsulates the themes of love and separation, adding a sentimental touch to the episode.

Notable Quotes:

• Ozzie Nelson:
  "Dear Arabella, Ain't I one bright fella? Are you mine, all mine." ([07:43])

• Harriet Hilliard:
  "Cause she's your all yours." ([08:50])

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Comedic Sketch: Driving Woes [09:08 – 15:58]

The cast delves into a humorous sketch centered around the perils and absurdities of driving. Red Skelton and Harriet Hilliard portray characters navigating the chaotic world of automobile travel.

• Red Skelton sets the scene:
  "Tonight, I'm going to show you the different types of drivers that we have in America and the things that the car owners have to put up with." ([09:33])

• Harriet Hilliard interacts with Red's exaggerated driving habits:
  "She's in a black evening gown, and she tries to get a secret out of me. And she hugs me and she kisses me..." ([05:46])

The sketch includes a series of comedic interactions, such as Red attempting to impress a woman behind the wheel, dealing with car troubles, and exaggerated driving maneuvers that lead to humorous situations.

Notable Quotes:

• Red Skelton:
  "She's in a black evening gown, and she tries to get a secret out of me. And she hugs me and she kisses me." ([05:46])

• Harriet Hilliard:
  "Take your hands off of me or I'll call a midget." ([10:22])

• Red Skelton on driving multiple cars:
  "When you drive a car nowadays, you have to drive for five people... She pulls out in front of you any minute." ([09:14])

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License Test Comedy Sketch [22:43 – 27:04]

In another segment, Red Skelton humorously navigates the process of obtaining a driver's license, interacting with Wonderful Smith who plays the licensing officer.

• Red Skelton introduces himself with a pun:
  "Oh, name. Name. Oh, Paul Understuff, but for short, my friends call me Pu." ([23:26])

• Wonderful Smith questions Red's driving knowledge:
  "What do your enemies call you?" ([23:37])

Red's comedic misunderstandings and playful responses highlight his signature slapstick humor.

Notable Quotes:

• Red Skelton:
  "I knock him right back in before he gets hurt." ([24:13])

• Wonderful Smith:
  "What does it spell?" ([25:12])

• Red Skelton:
  "You got me in this mess. Now you get me out of it." ([25:32])

The sketch culminates in a humorous scene where Red inadvertently causes chaos during the driving test, emphasizing the comedy of errors.

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Closing Remarks and Farewell [28:46 – 30:03]

The episode wraps up with a brief interaction where Truman Bradley commends Red Skelton for hosting a delightful Thanksgiving dinner, followed by Red's heartfelt goodbye to the audience.

• Truman Bradley:
  "You certainly live the life of Riley." ([21:27])

• Red Skelton:
  "This is Red Skelton saying goodbye now and thanks for listening." ([29:56])

The closing reinforces the friendly and appreciative atmosphere among the cast and listeners.

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Conclusion

This episode of Harold's Old Time Radio effectively captures the essence of classic radio entertainment through witty dialogues, engaging sketches, and melodic interludes. Red Skelton and his co-stars deliver performances that are both humorous and heartwarming, making it a memorable listen for fans and newcomers alike. The seamless flow of conversations and comedic timing ensures that the audience remains entertained from start to finish.

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Notable Quotes Reference

• "Well, it started to choke, so I patted it on the back and it coughed up a pedestrian." — Red Skelton ([03:04])
• "She's in a black evening gown, and she tries to get a secret out of me. And she hugs me and she kisses me." — Red Skelton ([05:46])
• "You got me in this mess. Now you get me out of it." — Red Skelton ([25:32])
• "This is Red Skelton saying goodbye now and thanks for listening." — Red Skelton ([29:56])

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Disclaimer: Advertisements, intros, outros, and non-content sections have been excluded to focus solely on the main content of the episode.

Transcript

[Truman Bradley]

From Hollywood, the Raleigh Cigarette program starring Red Skelton. With Ozzie Nelson and his music, Harriet Hilliard and wonderful sm. Ladies and gentlemen, remember this about cigarettes. All your smoking enjoyment depends on the tobacco blend. That's what makes the big difference. And that's where Raleigh's are distinctively outstanding. Raleigh's give you an exclusive golden rich blender superior from every standpoint. For instance, only the lighter golden tobaccos are used tobaccos that any expert will tell you are choicer, more expensive. And where two or three kinds of tobaccos might be good enough for some cigarettes. Raleighs have no less than 31 different types of choice domestic and imported tobaccos, each adding immeasurably in making Raleighs richer in taste, fuller in flavor. Yes, Raleigh's Excel where it counts most in the tobacco blend. And don't forget, Raleigh's give you an extra valuable coupons redeemable for over 70 luxury premiums. Friends, it pays to get the pack with a coupon on the back. Raleigh cigarettes.

[Red Skelton]

Sam.

[Truman Bradley]

That was Ozzy Nelson's version of the old favorite Camptown Races. And now we bring you Metro, Golden Mayer's brand new comedy Find the star of our show, Red Skelton.

[Red Skelton]

Thank you very much and good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Say, Truman. Thought I'd never make it here tonight. I had a little trouble with my car.

[Truman Bradley]

Really? Well, what happened to your car?

[Red Skelton]

Well, it started to choke, so I patted it on the back and it coughed up a pedestrian.

[Truman Bradley]

Z. Red, I hear you've just started another picture out of mgm.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah.

[Truman Bradley]

Isn't Eleanor Powell the star in it?

[Red Skelton]

Yeah, we have a lot of fun on the set too. She's teaching me how to jitterbug.

[Truman Bradley]

Oh, is that what you were doing at the Palladium the other night?

[Red Skelton]

I guess.

[Truman Bradley]

Well, from the way you threw your partner around, I thought sure, you were gonna kill her.

[Red Skelton]

Partner? I thought she was my opponent. Oh, how are you, Harriet?

[Harriet Hilliard]

Hello, Red.

[Red Skelton]

Say, we were just talking about my new picture. I'll take Manila.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh. Say, do you get to kiss Eleanor Powell in the picture?

[Red Skelton]

I hope so. I'm still puckered up from Lady B. Goode. I'll kiss you, though.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, no, you won't. I'm here to say funny things, not kiss them.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Hello, folks.

[Red Skelton]

Oh, how are you, Ozzie?

[Ozzie Nelson]

See, I heard you folks talking about pictures. You know, I made a picture myself.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Say, Red, your picture takes place on a boat, doesn't it?

[Red Skelton]

Yeah.

[Harriet Hilliard]

I thought you were allergic to boats.

[Red Skelton]

I am. Gee, I'll never forget the last time I Went to Catalina.

[Harriet Hilliard]

What happened? Were you ill?

[Red Skelton]

No, I felt pretty good until some wise guy start singing Shortening bread.

[Ozzie Nelson]

You know, I'll never forget the picture I made.

[Harriet Hilliard]

You know, Red, it must be nice working at mgm. Have you got your own dressing room?

[Red Skelton]

No, I dress on the way to the studio in the Culver City bus.

[Truman Bradley]

Now, wait a minute, Red. You dress on the bus?

[Wonderful Smith]

Mm.

[Truman Bradley]

Gosh, ain't it embarrassing?

[Red Skelton]

No, I wear dark glasses.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Say, is Veronica Lake at mgm?

[Red Skelton]

No. I've always had bulgy eyes, you know.

[Ozzie Nelson]

You know, it's funny, that picture I made.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah? Oh, well, look, we'll get to it.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Well, you say, what about it?

[Red Skelton]

What was it about, Ozzy?

[Ozzie Nelson]

Well, I don't exactly know because they didn't release it. It was a gangster picture and they paroled it, see? But I'm not worried about my picture career because the producer's crazy about me. Oh, he told me I was going places.

[Red Skelton]

He did? Yeah.

[Ozzie Nelson]

He even bought me a sun suit to wear there.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Say, Brad, why do Fenton and Folsey, the cameraman at Metro, like you so much?

[Red Skelton]

Well, I'm the only one they photographed through cheesecloth.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, well, that's not new. They photographed a lot of people clothes through cheesecloth.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah, but with me, they don't take the cheese out of the cloth. But this picture at MGM's really gonna be a biggie, Mr. Brazell. The director, told me it's a must picture.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Well, that makes two in a row. You mussed up the last one too.

[Red Skelton]

Red.

[Truman Bradley]

Who else is in the picture?

[Red Skelton]

Spies. The whole thing's full of spies.

[Harriet Hilliard]

International or finance company?

[Red Skelton]

International, of course. Oh, in one scene, there's a very beautiful blond spy, and she's in a black evening gown, and she tries to get a secret out of me. And she hugs me and she kisses me and she hugs me and kisses me. Do you think I tell her the secret?

[Unknown]

No.

[Red Skelton]

Yes, I do. I'm just a big blabber mouth.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Since he joined the army Johnny sighs and frets he thinks about his sweetie every chance he gets. He sits and sends her letters till they turn out all the lights and here's what he's concerned about and this is what he writes. Dear Arabella this army life's okay But, Arabella, I miss you more each day While I'm paradin and reducing fore and aft I hope that your love won't get caught in the draft Kindly remember wherever you may be you're at ease with no one else but me. Dear Arabella, remember I'm Your fella and you're mine.

[Red Skelton]

O mine.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Dear Private Johnny, don't worry over me. Cause, Private Johnny, I'm faithful as can be. I keep your picture by the sofa near the fire. For me and my boyfriends to sit and admire. They want my kisses but I am always true. I close my eyes and make believe it's you. So, ducky fella, depend on Arabella. Cause she's your all yours.

[Ozzie Nelson]

Dear Arabella, this army life's okay. But Arabella, here's what happened yesterday. Now our dumb top sergeant Put me in the awkward squad. And I thought that I'd done fine. I won the parade by a half a yard. Then they shouted, fixed bayonets. Ah, but they couldn't fool me. I said my bayonet isn't broken, look and see. Dear Arabella, Ain't I one bright fella? Are you mine, all mine.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Dear Private Johnny, you know my love is true. Keep good and healthy. My chief concern is you keep muffled up. You catch cold so easily, John. And when autumn winds are chilly, winter draws on. Pa says we can't get married till you can afford a family. There are six of us, including Pa and me. So, ducky fella, be true to Arabella. Cause you're mine.

[Red Skelton]

Are mine. That was Dear Arabella sung by Harriet Hilliard and Ozzie Nelson. And by the way, Harriet, count me out on that drive up to San Francisco Sunday. I'm afraid to drive in so much traffic.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Well, why? You drive carefully, don't you?

[Red Skelton]

Yeah, but when you drive a car nowadays, you have to drive for five people.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Five?

[Red Skelton]

Yeah. Your car, the car in front of you, the car in the back of you, and the car coming toward you.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Well, where's the fifth one?

[Red Skelton]

She pulls out in front of you any minute.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, now, look, Red, I think California drivers are all right.

[Red Skelton]

A tourist, eh? Look, Harriet, to make myself clear, tonight, I'm going to show you the different types of drivers that we have in America and the things that the car owners have to put up with. Now, first we have a wise guy who's always picking up girls. Well, girly, ain't this better than waiting for the Glendale bus?

[Harriet Hilliard]

I don't know yet.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah. Ah, you don't have to worry about me. I'm just a boy scout. Just a boy scout.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, I didn't know they had a skunk patrol.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Say, this is some car. Has it got a radio?

[Red Skelton]

No.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Well, supposing you want some La Conga music, what do you do?

[Red Skelton]

You just don't put oil in the motor. You know I like you, girly. Come on, let's cuddle up, huh?

[Harriet Hilliard]

No.

[Red Skelton]

Nah. Come on.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Take your hands off of me or I'll call a midget.

[Red Skelton]

Say, how do you like riding in this snappy car? Boy, just listen. That motor. Oh, I think we're out of gas. No, it's all right now. Gee, you had me worried for a minute. I thought we were gonna have to do a little siphon work. Hey, do you want to stop for a bite? I said, you want to stop for a bite?

[Harriet Hilliard]

Now, wait a minute, Dracula. Look, I'd better get out here.

[Red Skelton]

Why?

[Harriet Hilliard]

Well, I'm one of the three little pigs, and my mother told me never to trust a wolf.

[Red Skelton]

Now, I ain't that bad. Look, the girl that gets me will get a bargain.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Yeah, you do look a little cheap.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah, that settles it. Good night and get out. That settles it, brother. I'll never pick up another girl as long as I live. Never? Never as long as I live. Well, girly, ain't this better than waiting for the Glendale bus? Say, did you ever see it to fail? When you have a new car, something always happens to it. So let's look in on a lady and her little boy. A little mean kid on the block. See, the lady's just driving up with a brand new car. Harriet, you be my mother, and I'll be the old boy. Okay, Red.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Hello, Junior. How do you like our brand new car? Look at all the aluminum on it.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah. Gee, sure, it's chromey, isn't it? Oh, boy, a new car. Boy, we must be in solid with that Morse plan, huh? Or did Pop steal it? Can I get in, Mommy? Huh? Can I get in?

[Harriet Hilliard]

No. And if I catch you standing up in the seat or wiping your hands on the upholstery, I'll spank you with a hairbrush.

[Red Skelton]

You will? Yes, the hairy side.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Now, listen, you little corn pone. You know what I mean?

[Red Skelton]

Gee, ain't that a pretty tar, huh? Does it go fast? Like Buck Rogers is rocket ship.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Yes, dear.

[Red Skelton]

I bet Pop wish he had that when he was a bootlegger. Hey, can I sit in the car, Mom?

[Harriet Hilliard]

No, no.

[Red Skelton]

I want to sit in it. I want to sit in it. Oh, I want to sit in it. I want to sit in it.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, all right, get in. But sit still. I'll be right back and drive you all over the neighborhood.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah, with Pop. Raider, Trap.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, no, nothing like that, darling. Now, just be a good little boy.

[Red Skelton]

Okay, Queenie. Gee, ain't these seats off? Look at that pretty tile. I wonder if that's a radio. Looks like a radio. Maybe it is a radio. I'll turn the dial. It had the weighty O gee, look how big that steering wheel is. Beep, beep, beep, beep, burp. Darn that.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Junior, don't play with the horn.

[Red Skelton]

I won't touch the horn, Mommy.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Be careful now.

[Red Skelton]

Oh, my tattletail. Oh, look, Mommy forgot to take the key off. If I do, I get a whipping. I do it. I got calluses. Anyhow, I gotta learn to drive sometimes. So now let's see which one's a starter button. Maybe ditch it there. Where'd the top go? I'll try this one. Junior, turn that motor off again. Mommy, Mommy. I ain't scared. She look at me. Look, the sidewalk is moving. Mummy, are you all right? It all depend on what you're going to do to me. Oh dear.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Look at our pretty new car.

[Red Skelton]

Aged fast, didn't it? Say, Harriet, did you ever see a big old second hand car puffing down the road and they finally hit a filling station?

[Harriet Hilliard]

Yeah. What do you say? Let's do that one, Red.

[Red Skelton]

Okay.

[Harriet Hilliard]

This isn't a very good car, is it?

[Red Skelton]

I don't know.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Are we moving?

[Red Skelton]

Huh?

[Harriet Hilliard]

Are we moving?

[Red Skelton]

Well, wet your finger and hold it up.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Gee, this car rides smoothly. No motor noise.

[Red Skelton]

How come no motor.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Oh, oh, look at that thermometer there. Boy, the old radiator's really getting hot.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah. I say, it's getting hot.

[Harriet Hilliard]

There it goes again.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah, does it every 59 minutes. Old faithful.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Hey, you better pull into that filling station.

[Red Skelton]

Okay. Well, here we are. We finally made it.

[Unknown]

Yes, sir. Glad to see you, sir. Which one are you, Wells or Fargo?

[Red Skelton]

Now wait a minute, Bubble.

[Unknown]

Welcome to the Monte Carlo Filling Station.

[Red Skelton]

The Monte Carlo Filling Station?

[Unknown]

Yes, sir. We fill your car, then shoot you for it. Double or nothing. You folks out here for the grape picking season?

[Red Skelton]

No, we're carrot bunchers.

[Unknown]

What can I do for you?

[Red Skelton]

You can give me a little air in them pliers.

[Unknown]

Don't you need no gas?

[Red Skelton]

Nah. Come on, just give me some air.

[Unknown]

You sure there's nothing else?

[Red Skelton]

Yeah. What time is it?

[Unknown]

Time to give you a membership card. Yeah.

[Red Skelton]

Membership card, huh? Hey, what does this mean? The iww.

[Unknown]

The IWW is a fraternity of motorists who only want information. Wind and water.

[Red Skelton]

Oh, I see. I. Well, I'll tell you what I'll do. To give you a little business. Give me three cents worth of grease.

[Unknown]

What's the matter? Are your lips chapped?

[Red Skelton]

Hmm?

[Unknown]

Shall I check your Oil and the upholstering.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah, you better check the oil there, bud.

[Unknown]

Do you use the 5 cent oil or do you want something with the water pumped out of it?

[Red Skelton]

What kind of oil do you use in your car?

[Unknown]

Well, I starts off by telling them that I is lonesome and that my regular gal don't use.

[Red Skelton]

No, no, I don't mean that kind of. Maybe you better give me some gas. About $0.06 worth.6 cents worth of gas? Yeah.

[Unknown]

What'll I do with it? Put it in the tank or just massage the carburetor with it? What are you trying to do, wean this car?

[Red Skelton]

Look, I was only trying to be nice. I don't even know whether I need gas or not.

[Unknown]

Well, I'll just look in the gas tank and see.

[Red Skelton]

Hey, don't light a match and look in that gas tank. It'll blow up. Oh, no, it won't.

[Unknown]

This is a safety match.

[Red Skelton]

Oh, fine, I'll show you.

[Unknown]

Gee, it's nice flying around up here.

[Red Skelton]

How do I look with wings like the Maltese falcon? That was Johnson Rag, played by Ozzie Nelson and his band.

[Truman Bradley]

Say, Red.

[Red Skelton]

Yes?

[Truman Bradley]

I certainly enjoyed Thanksgiving dinner out at your house.

[Red Skelton]

Well, thanks a lot, Truman.

[Truman Bradley]

You certainly have a beautiful place, Red. So many nice things. Gorgeous silverware, radio in every room. And, boy, those were magnificent bridge tables you brought out when we played cards. And that handsome poker set.

[Red Skelton]

Well, gee, thanks.

[Truman Bradley]

You certainly live the life of Riley.

[Red Skelton]

Certainly. You mean I live the life of Raleigh.

[Truman Bradley]

I see, Red, they're all Raleigh premiums, eh?

[Red Skelton]

That's right.

[Truman Bradley]

Well, friends, you'd be surprised at the many luxurious things you can get with the coupons that come on the back. Of Raleigh cigarettes, there are over 70 deluxe premiums. You can get automatic toasters, bridge lamps, smart luggage, candid cameras, electric razors. And that's only a few. Each one is highest quality, nationally advertised merchandise. Now, we have a 60 page catalog which pictures in full color all the Raleigh premiums. It's free. For your copy, just send a postal card to Raleigh in care of the station to which you were listening. And tonight, switch to Raleigh cigarettes. You not only get magnificent premiums, but you get a better cigarette. A smoother, milder, more flavorful cigarette because of Raleigh's exclusive, golden, rich tobacco blend. Friends, with your very first pack, you'll realize it pays to smoke Raleigh's. The pack with the coupon on the back. Raleigh cigarettes. And now back to Red Skelton.

[Red Skelton]

Oh, thanks a lot there, Truman.

[Harriet Hilliard]

Boy, Red, there's a lot of trouble connected with driving a Car, isn't there?

[Red Skelton]

Oh, yeah. Do you like those things? Say, I'll tell you where the fun really comes in. As a guy trying to get his driver's license, what do you say we do that? This time I'll be the fellow going in for an application. Oh, say, officer, where will I find the license bureau?

[Wonderful Smith]

Well, what kind of a license? Hunting license? Fishing license? Auto license? Vendor license? Dog license? Marriage or driver's license?

[Red Skelton]

Windy old bird, isn't it? Well, I want to get some driver's license.

[Truman Bradley]

Well, that's right.

[Wonderful Smith]

Here, your name, please.

[Red Skelton]

What?

[Wonderful Smith]

Your name.

[Red Skelton]

Name? Oh, name. Name. Oh, Paul Understuff, but for short, my friends call me Pu.

[Wonderful Smith]

What do your enemies call you?

[Red Skelton]

P. U. But they mean it.

[Wonderful Smith]

Well, now, you'll have to answer a few questions.

[Red Skelton]

All right.

[Wonderful Smith]

Are you married?

[Red Skelton]

No, I've always had bulgy eyes. Back again, huh?

[Wonderful Smith]

Now, then, do you have any ailments?

[Red Skelton]

Oh, no. All of our family are American citizens. No, no.

[Wonderful Smith]

I mean, do you have any insanity in your family?

[Red Skelton]

Oh, yes. We all drive cars, you know.

[Wonderful Smith]

All right. Now, what do you do when you're driving and a man steps out of the safety zone?

[Red Skelton]

I knock him right back in before he gets hurt.

[Wonderful Smith]

You know, that's very good. I never looked at it that way. All right. No. What does it mean when the light is green and then it turns orange?

[Red Skelton]

It means that there's a cop on the corner laying odds that you don't make it before it turns red.

[Wonderful Smith]

Okay. Now, I've got to give you an intelligence test.

[Red Skelton]

Won't hurt, will it? No, no.

[Wonderful Smith]

All you have to do now cover one eye with your hand.

[Red Skelton]

Okay? Oh, yeah.

[Wonderful Smith]

Just take it easy. You've covered your eye with one hand?

[Red Skelton]

Yeah.

[Wonderful Smith]

Now read that top line over there, huh? Yeah, right on the wall there.

[Red Skelton]

Oh, P, O, L, I, C, E. That's right.

[Wonderful Smith]

Now, what does it spell?

[Red Skelton]

Oh, wouldn't you like to know?

[Wonderful Smith]

Did you ever have an accident?

[Red Skelton]

No. When I drive down the street, all the other cars climb up on the sidewalk. Get out of my way.

[Wonderful Smith]

All right, now, just one more question. Look, there's a car in the front of you.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah.

[Wonderful Smith]

There's one in the back of you.

[Red Skelton]

No kidding.

[Wonderful Smith]

You hear a siren?

[Red Skelton]

Yeah.

[Wonderful Smith]

No. Do you go faster, stop or help clear the traffic?

[Red Skelton]

You got me in this mess. Now you get me out of it.

[Wonderful Smith]

All right. Now I'll give you the driving test. You have your car here?

[Red Skelton]

Yep. It's right here, fella. Come on, now, get in. You'll have to step kind of high that door don't open.

[Wonderful Smith]

Has this said. Has this here car got brakes?

[Red Skelton]

No. When you want to stop, you just press down on the front fender. Well, you may have to crank it. I don't know.

[Wonderful Smith]

Well, what happened to the starter button?

[Red Skelton]

I don't know. I sent the car to the auto laundry and it came back with the buttons missing.

[Wonderful Smith]

Pull over there.

[Red Skelton]

Pull over.

[Wonderful Smith]

Why, you're driving down the left side of the road.

[Red Skelton]

Well, that's all right. I got my hand out.

[Wonderful Smith]

On second thought, where is your permit to drive without a license? Come on, where's your permit to drive without a license?

[Red Skelton]

No, wait a minute. Let's not get nosy, bub.

[Wonderful Smith]

Turn up the street.

[Red Skelton]

Okay, I'll show you. I know all the signals. I hold my hand straight out and then I turn to the right. Well, look at that. A Good Humor man with four arms.

[Wonderful Smith]

Why, you dope, that's a railroad crossing. Hey, look out now. Hey, stop. There's a train and we're both heading for the same traffic.

[Red Skelton]

Yeah, and my eyes are the same way. Wait a minute. Stop this legal. Stop it. Well, don't stand there. Help me put the train back on the track. Sam.

[Truman Bradley]

This is Truman Bradley again. Presenting the gentleman who speaks. Thanks for our companion sponsor.

[Unknown]

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[Truman Bradley]

Red Skelton with Ozzy Nelson, Harriet Hilliard, Wonderful Smith and your announcer, Truman Bradley. We'll be back at the same time next Tuesday. We hope you'll all be waiting for us until then.

[Red Skelton]

This is Red Skelton saying goodbye now and thanks for listening.

[Truman Bradley]

Red Skelton is heard on this program through the courtesy of the Metro Golden Mayer Studios. This is the Red Network of the National Broadcasting Company SA.