
Red Skelton Show 41-12-02 (009) Waking Up
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Stiles Mackenzie
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Red Skelton
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Ozzie Nelson
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Red Skelton
And just a suggestion, why not drop a pack or two of Raleigh's for smokes? For Yanks.
Ozzie Nelson
That was Lousy Nelson's version of Dark Eyes. And now here is Metro Golden Mayer's bright young comedian, the star of our show, Red Skelton.
Red Skelton
Thank you very much and good evening. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Ozzie Nelson
Say, Red.
Red Skelton
Yes?
Ozzie Nelson
Did you see your picture in Movie and Radio Guide magazine?
Red Skelton
Say, I certainly did. Oh, that reminds me too. Movie and Radio Guide. Movie and Radio Guide. Movie and Radio Guide.
Ozzie Nelson
Hey, stop yelling that.
Red Skelton
I can't. After all, a bargain's a bargain.
Harriet Hilliard
I had my picture in a magazine once.
Red Skelton
The Maltese Falcon. Yeah. Well, gee, that's really something.
Harriet Hilliard
Well, I tell you about my picture in the magazine.
Ozzie Nelson
You're doing right for yourself, Skelton, aren't you? I saw you on Hollywood Boulevard last night, riding with Santa Claus.
Red Skelton
Yeah, I rode with Santa Claus. And I had a nice, warm, comfortable place, too. But those kids kept trying to pull me out of the bag.
Ozzie Nelson
Sir. Red didn't you get cold riding with Santa Claus?
Red Skelton
No, I was wearing my long winter underwear. It's all wool, you know.
Ozzie Nelson
Well, you didn't pay very much for that long underwear. So how do you know it's all wool?
Red Skelton
Well, every time I bend over, I hear a lonely shepherd playing.
Ozzie Nelson
Boy, oh, boy. Certainly was raining hard when you were in that Santa Claus parade.
Red Skelton
Yeah, but you know, Santa Claus has special reindeers for the California weather. Yeah, yeah.
Ozzie Nelson
What are their names?
Red Skelton
Dancer, Prancer, Donna Blitzen and Weissmiller.
Ozzie Nelson
You know, Red, I noticed that once or twice Santa whispered to you.
Red Skelton
Yeah, he was giving me a tip on a reindeer.
Harriet Hilliard
I had my picture in a magazine once. I'll never forget.
Ozzie Nelson
Say, tell me, Red, does Santa Claus still have all those helpers making those toys up at the North Pole?
Red Skelton
No, Santa Claus is a little short of help this year. You see, half of his boys were drafted and the other half are working at Lockheed.
Junior
Hi, Red.
Red Skelton
Oh, hello, Harriet.
Junior
Say, Red, in that Christmas parade, were you riding a horse?
Red Skelton
No, I just walked Funny. Say, Hollywood Boulevard really is pretty at this time of the year, isn't it? Did you see all the Christmas trees they have?
Junior
Yeah. And do you know every one of those Christmas trees is made out of aluminum?
Red Skelton
They are? Well, no wonder. That guy from the priorities board was running up and down the street yelling, timber. Say, you know, I like the way they have those big Christmas trees in the middle of the boulevard.
Junior
Oh, so do I. You drive along, your car skids and suddenly you're part of the decoration.
Red Skelton
Yeah. Well, anyhow, it's a very pretty picture, you know.
Harriet Hilliard
Oh, speaking of pictures, mine was in a magazine once.
Red Skelton
It was Ozzy. Look. Was it an advertisement?
Harriet Hilliard
Yes, it was.
Red Skelton
Well, look. What did it say over the picture?
Harriet Hilliard
It said, send this boy to camp, but quick.
Junior
There certainly was a lot of entertainment in that parade.
Red Skelton
Yeah.
Harriet Hilliard
Did you see that fellow with the two trained monkeys? He threw a banana up in the Christmas tree. And you should have seen those monkeys go after it.
Red Skelton
Yeah, but they couldn't get him away from me.
Junior
Ozzy. Ozzy.
Red Skelton
Ozzy.
Harriet Hilliard
Ozzy, I want to sleep.
Junior
Come on, get up. Please, honey, dear, it's awfully late. Come on, get up. You said last night you had a date. Remember, dear? You had to meet that real big shot. Oh, please don't wait. It's after 8. Come on, get up. Your water's ready in the tub. You'll be okay. Just give your head a real good rub. Your coffee's about to brew, and I fixed your breakfast. Now, there's nothing more for me to do. Come on, get up. Oh, I know my honey lamb is awfully tired. I'm tired too. But if you lose this deal, you may be fired. Then what's to do about it when the rent comes due? Come on, get up. Oh, dear. Now, what was that you said? Honey, please. You know you can't stay there in bed. Just make this deal okay? And then we'll throw the clock away and sleep forever and a day. Come on, get up. Come on, get up.
Harriet Hilliard
Oh, honey, please leave me alone.
Junior
Come on, get up. Oh, dear, you're wanted on the phone.
Harriet Hilliard
Well, tell them I'm not in. To phone this early is a sin. I'm getting cross.
Ozzie Nelson
Shh.
Junior
It's the boss. Come on, get up. Sweetheart, it's such a lovely day.
Harriet Hilliard
Pull down the shade. I'd rather stay here in the hay.
Junior
Oh, now, you know you slept all night.
Harriet Hilliard
Oh, I didn't sleep so tight. Do you know you kicked me most of the night?
Junior
Come on, get up.
Harriet Hilliard
Oh, have you got my shirt and tie already?
Junior
Yes, dear. And here's your toothbrush and the paste.
Harriet Hilliard
You know, I think I'll do some exercises starting tomorrow. Seems I'm getting a little stout around the waist.
Junior
Come on, get up.
Harriet Hilliard
All right, but first give me a kiss.
Junior
Oh, dear me. Somehow I've been expecting this. Now, Ozzy, for my sake.
Harriet Hilliard
All right, I'm up. I'm wide awake. I wish you'd give a guy a break.
Junior
Come on, get.
Red Skelton
That was Harry Hilliard and Austin Nelson saying, come on, get up. Say, did you ever notice the trouble that different people have trying to wake up and starting the day off right? Especially in the Skelton family.
Junior
Yeah, I've heard about your family getting up in the morning. In fact, I saw an advance copy of the article you wrote for tomorrow's Liberty magazine.
Red Skelton
Oh, yeah, that's out tomorrow. That's right. Harry, look. Say, you know that's nothing but what happens to my brother. See, he's a farmer back in Vincennes, Indiana. And you should see how he gets up at the crack of dawn.
Junior
Clam, get up. It's 4am what are you gonna do, sleep all day? Clam, get up. I know what I'll do. Hand me that bucket of ice water.
Red Skelton
Don't throw it. I'm up. How come you always throw ice water on me when I'm in bed?
Junior
What's the matter? It won't hurt you.
Red Skelton
I know, but you might drown my turtle.
Junior
You got that turtle in bed with you again?
Red Skelton
Yep. It keeps the mice down somewhat. Kiddick?
Junior
Now, come on, get up. It's time to milk the cows.
Red Skelton
Yeah, I know it is. But I ain't gonna milk em today.
Junior
Why not?
Red Skelton
I'm gonna wait till the price goes up again. What time is it anyhow?
Junior
It's 4am it's awful dark.
Red Skelton
Can't see my hands in front of my face.
Junior
You can't?
Red Skelton
Nope. But they'll probably turn up after I wash them. Oh, I'm sleepy.
Junior
Come on, wake up.
Red Skelton
I'm awake.
Junior
Then open your eyes.
Red Skelton
They're open. I just got long eyelids.
Junior
And another thing. If you snore like you did last night, I'll make you sleep in the stables tonight.
Red Skelton
Oh, no, you won't. I remember the last time you made me sleep in that stable. Somebody came in the next morning and threw a harness over me. Before I knew it, I plowed up 14 acres. Oh, to think there was a time when I could have changed the whole course of my life.
Junior
When was that?
Red Skelton
When I met the salesman's daughter.
Junior
Now come on, Clem, get up. You gotta drive into town and get a haircut today. And you sure need a haircut.
Red Skelton
I do? What do you mean? I got one yesterday. Don't you remember?
Junior
Well, then quit wearing that raccoon cap to bed.
Red Skelton
My head is a little sway back, isn't it? I could sleep another day.
Junior
Oh, sure. You can't be that sleepy. You go to bed with the chickens.
Red Skelton
Well, that's the trouble. We gotta get twin beds.
Junior
Listen here. Them chickens has got as much right in here as you have.
Red Skelton
Oh, I don't know. I'm about two dozen ahead on my quota.
Junior
Say, what was all that noise in here last night?
Red Skelton
I was dreaming I was chasing Lana Turner.
Junior
I don't think you love me anymore. You're always dreaming about movie stars.
Red Skelton
Oh, don't be silly. I love you. I love your golden hair. It's so long and silky. By the way, where is it.
Junior
You love your cows better than you do me?
Red Skelton
Well, come to think of it, they do look a little better in slacks.
Junior
Wait a minute. Where did you learn about slacks?
Red Skelton
Oh, wouldn't you like to know?
Junior
Now, listen, get up off that bed before you go back to sleep.
Red Skelton
All right. Ooh, I feel terrible today. Where's my boots?
Junior
Well, you must have thought you were gonna die last night. You slept in them.
Red Skelton
Hey, and another thing. You know, I almost froze to death last night. That insurance fella lied to me.
Junior
What do you mean?
Red Skelton
Them blanket policies didn't even come up to My knees. Give me those buckets and that pitchfork. I'll go out and get the work. Oh, boy.
Junior
Careful. It's a little slippery on them stairs.
Red Skelton
Don't tell me how to walk. Well, get dressed. I think we're going to town. I'm gonna get my pilot's license. I just made a three point landing.
Junior
What do you mean, a three point landing?
Red Skelton
I'm sitting on the pitch, Ford. Then we have Junior, the mean little kid. It's Sunday morning and everybody's asleep, but not Junior. He's the first one up, and especially on Sunday. So I'll play the part of the little boy. And I'm in my little crib. Oh, yum, yum, yum, yum. He. I ain't getting bored laying here. Getting awful tired putting my toad in my mouth too. I wonder if it'd taste better if I took my chew door. I wonder if I could wake up a family now. I got a good way to wake them up, too. I guess I better not do it, though. Might burn down the red.
Stiles Mackenzie
We interrupt this program to bring you an important Wayfair message. Wayfair's got style tips for every home. This is Stiles Mackenzie helping you make those rooms sing. Today's style tip. When it comes to making a statement, treat bold patterns like neutrals. Go wild like an untamed animal. Print area rug under a rustic farmhouse table. From wayfair.com fierce this has been your Wayfair style tip to keep those interiors superior.
Junior
Wayfair every style, every home.
Red Skelton
The neighborhood, too. I think I will see if I can wake Mommy up. Mommy. Mommy, you awake? Mommy.
Junior
Quiet. Junior, get back in your crib and close the lid.
Red Skelton
Mommy. Mommy, open your eyes. Mommy.
Junior
Junior, stop opening my eye with your index finger and your thumb.
Red Skelton
Mommy, will you get me a glass of water?
Junior
No. What do you want water for?
Red Skelton
Well, I can't swallow this wookie button without it.
Junior
You stop putting things in your mouth and go to sleep.
Red Skelton
Oh, day, Mommy.
Junior
Oh, what is it?
Red Skelton
Guess what I got behind my back.
Junior
I don't want to guess what you've got behind you. What is it?
Red Skelton
It's my turn. Look, I will let go of it. Gee, it snap back like a yo yo.
Junior
Go to sleep, Junior.
Red Skelton
I'm not sleepy. I think I'll pull the cork out of this bottle.
Junior
Junior, what do you want to do? Wake your f.
Red Skelton
Oh, look, Mommy. I think he's getting awake now. Look. He always feels a lot nappy dialogue, huh, Mom? Hey, Mom, I think Papa talking in his sleep ain't he.
Junior
Yes. Let's listen.
Red Skelton
Yeah, this ought to be good. Sarah, that you ain't a mummy. Shh.
Junior
Quiet, Junior.
Harriet Hilliard
Look, Sarah. There's Robert Taylor.
Junior
Hello, Bob.
Harriet Hilliard
There's Clark Able. Hello, Clark. There's Eleanor Powell. Goodbye, Sarah.
Junior
Junior, please. Now go back to bed, okay?
Red Skelton
I would just run around the room a few times. Mommy, I found my wallet gate.
Junior
Well, I may as well get up. You're not going to let me.
Red Skelton
Yes, I will. I will let you sleep. Mommy. I'm sorry. I was a bad boy. I will be doing. Oh, look, the piano. I will make them proud of me. I will learn to play. Now, let's see. What will I play? Let me see. I think I will play Tchakovsky's Freddie Martin. Needs tuning, Junior. All right. I ain't piping down. Oh, look, the Wadeo. If I do, I get a weapon. I do it. Maybe that guy Donut read the funny paper. Morning, all you early birds. This is your old Uncle Jim and his breakfast buddies. And what are you having for breakfast buddies? Now, wait a minute. Let's not get naughty, bug.
Harriet Hilliard
Junior, turn that clock off.
Red Skelton
Don't you do it, kid, until I finish my commercial.
Harriet Hilliard
Listen, Junior, you get out of here and don't come back before noon.
Red Skelton
Okay? If that's the way you feel about it, I will go. I will go down to the welfare board and tell them that you keep me and I'll go for a trap.
Harriet Hilliard
You think that's a bad idea and I'll beat it.
Red Skelton
Okay, I'm gone now. Never come back either. You be tired for what you done. I ain't going away. Okay, I'm done. Goodbye. I going to go far away. But you're losing the best draft exemption you ever had.
Ozzie Nelson
Sam.
Red Skelton
SA.
Junior
Sam.
Ozzie Nelson
Sa.
Red Skelton
Ozzie Nelson and his band playing Let me off uptown. Say, Truman, I was just thinking.
Ozzie Nelson
Well, congratulations, Red.
Red Skelton
Yeah, I will make the joke a ruse on this program. Say, you know, I was just wondering about a certain thing. Is photography here to stay?
Ozzie Nelson
Why, of course, Red.
Red Skelton
Why? Well, these photographers like Leonard Smith that go around and shoot off lights in your face. Well, isn't that just a flash in the pan? You get it?
Ozzie Nelson
Yeah, but it's pretty bad, Ray.
Red Skelton
Yeah, well, you know, good gags are really a premium, Truman. Raleigh at a premium, you know.
Ozzie Nelson
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Junior
Say, Red, you've done different people getting up in the morning, but you haven't mentioned the people who live in the boarding houses.
Red Skelton
Well, I was coming to that. Harriet, the couple that we're going to do now lives in a boarding house, and they've lived there for a long time, but they still have trouble getting up in the morning after the night before. Listen.
Junior
Well, get up, John.
Red Skelton
Well, maybe I will.
Junior
Say, what are you, a lazy bum?
Red Skelton
Hmm?
Junior
I said, what are you, a lazy bum?
Red Skelton
Find time to start playing what's my Name?
Junior
Oh, John, you're terrible. John. Get up, John. Stop stretching. I don't know why I ever married you. Oh, John.
Red Skelton
Wait a minute. I'm not John. My name's George.
Junior
Oh, there goes the alarm clock.
Red Skelton
Yeah.
Junior
Come on. It's your turn to get up and turn it off.
Red Skelton
Okay. Oh, I stubbed my toes. Oh, I stubbed it right down to the bone. Oh, darn that alarm clock. I'll fix it. I'll throw it out the window. I'll bet he ain't in a good humor now. Boy, what a boarding house. Is breakfast ready yet?
Junior
Mm, they're cremating the toast now.
Red Skelton
Boy, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.
Junior
Oh, please, dear. Let's forget that Thanksgiving dinner they serve.
Red Skelton
Okay. Uh. Oh, I bet that's a landlord. What do we do?
Junior
Does he want the rent?
Red Skelton
Yeah. Every time he sees me, he holds up that one bill I paid and he starts singing. Why don't we do this more often?
Junior
Well, he charges an awful lot of Money for a room like this?
Red Skelton
Yeah, in the living room. You can't even pull up the shade.
Junior
What do you care? There's no window in back of it.
Red Skelton
Come in. Oh, it's wonderful. Smith, the janitor. How do you feel? Wonderful.
Truman Bradley
Man, I'm tired.
Red Skelton
You slept eight hours, didn't you?
Truman Bradley
No, sir. I didn't sleep a wink. I just rolled and lost all night. I'm really in bad shape, Mr. Red. But look at those white circles under my eyes.
Red Skelton
Little tattletale gray, aren't they? Say, you know, you ought to be ashamed of yourself sleeping so much. You know, after all, men like Napoleon and Edison only had three hours. They only slept three. Three hours.
Truman Bradley
They only slept three hours?
Red Skelton
Yep.
Truman Bradley
Through what program?
Junior
Thanks for bringing Mr. Red home last night. Wonderful.
Truman Bradley
Yes, ma' am. Man, when you out on a party, you is rarely out.
Red Skelton
Yeah. Why was. What was I doing?
Truman Bradley
Well, sir, when I first saw you, you were in a mailbox yelling, gangway, I'm a tank.
Red Skelton
What else did I do?
Truman Bradley
Well, sir, you ran into a cocktail lounge and yelled, stand back, everybody. I'm four roses and I'm about to bloom. Mr. Red, hide your arm.
Red Skelton
What arm? Good heavens. How did I do that?
Truman Bradley
Well, you stepped in front of a bus and said you was gonna stop it with one hand.
Red Skelton
Did I stop it?
Truman Bradley
Nope. But for a while, you headed?
Ozzie Nelson
Corner.
Truman Bradley
Well, you want anything done today?
Red Skelton
Yeah. I want you to change those sheets on my bed.
Truman Bradley
Oh, we change them every day. Yeah, from one bed to the other. Well, if you need anything, just call.
Red Skelton
Okay, I will.
Junior
You'd better shave, dear. Here's your electric razor.
Red Skelton
Yeah. Okay, I'll plug it in.
Junior
Ready?
Red Skelton
Oh, wrong in. Wrong in. Yep. Contact.
Junior
My. You shave fast.
Red Skelton
Yeah. Bleeding time, 2 minutes and 6 seconds. Well, I guess I'll go down the hole and take a bath.
Junior
All right. You go take your bath.
Red Skelton
Yeah, I will. No soap.
Ozzie Nelson
Say, Red, do you think you could spare a moment to hear a word from a pal of mine?
Red Skelton
You mean your pal who speaks for our companion sponsor? Why, you sure could.
Ozzie Nelson
Okay, pal, speak right up.
Unnamed Sponsor
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Ozzie Nelson
Red Skelton with Ozzy Nelson, Harriet Hilliard, Wonderful Smith, and your announcer, Truman Bradley, will be back at the same time next Tuesday. We hope you'll all be waiting for us. Until then.
Red Skelton
This is Red Skelton saying goodbye now. Thanks for listening.
Ozzie Nelson
Red Skelton is heard on this program through the courtesy of the Metro Golden Mayor Studios. This is the Red Network of the National Broadcasting.
Podcast Summary: "Red Skelton Show 41-12-02 (009) Waking Up"
Podcast Information:
In this delightful episode of Red Skelton Show titled "Waking Up," listeners are immersed in the humorous tribulations of starting the day. Red Skelton, alongside co-stars Ozzie Nelson and Harriet Hilliard, brings to life the chaotic morning routines that many can relate to, all delivered with Skelton's signature comedic flair.
The episode kicks off with Red Skelton addressing the challenges of waking up. Ozzie Nelson initiates the conversation by referencing Red's appearance in Movie and Radio Guide magazine, setting a light-hearted tone.
This playful banter segues into Red's recounting of riding with Santa Claus, highlighting his humorous take on enduring cold weather with "long winter underwear."
Harriet Hilliard portrays Junior, Red's persistent spouse, who relentlessly tries to wake him up. Their back-and-forth showcases the comedic tension between wanting to stay in bed and facing daily responsibilities.
Red employs physical comedy and witty remarks to illustrate his reluctance to rise, such as pretending a turtle is in bed or exaggerating the effort needed to wake up.
Transitioning to a new sketch, Red Skelton introduces a boarding house scenario where the tenant, portrayed humorously, struggles with waking up and dealing with an overbearing landlord.
Key Moments:
Quote:
Furthering the theme, Red engages in slapstick humor while trying to use an electric razor incorrectly, emphasizing his continuous struggle with waking up.
"Waking Up" masterfully captures the universal struggle of morning routines through humor and relatable scenarios. Red Skelton's interactions with co-stars and characters like Junior highlight the comedic tensions within familial settings, making the episode both entertaining and endearing.
The recurring theme of resisting the urge to stay in bed resonates with many listeners, while the exaggerated situations and witty dialogue provide ample laughs. Additionally, the incorporation of physical comedy and situational irony underscores Skelton's versatility as a comedian.
The "Waking Up" episode of the Red Skelton Show exemplifies the timeless humor of the Golden Age of Radio. Through a series of comedic sketches and playful dialogues, Red Skelton and his co-stars deliver a memorable portrayal of the morning's challenges. This episode not only entertains but also connects with listeners by reflecting everyday experiences with a humorous twist. It's a testament to Red Skelton's enduring legacy in radio comedy, making it a cherished piece for both long-time fans and new audiences alike.